Tag: truth

wheres miranda when i need her (unedited)

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Sex & the City – Season 2 Episode 10

One of my absolute favorite episodes because it truly explains how women are (many times) punished for their success. I know I’ve blogged about this concept before, but in the midst of Tswift’s The Man, and just my recent experiences, I was compelled to write about another sleeve of this double standard.

I go to a local bar.. it’s my very own Cheers.. everyone knows my name. I tip well, and have made some.. acquaintances, if you will. What fascinates me though, is even though I tip rather well (20-50% depending on the day) I do not get the same respect or treatment as male regulars. And mind you, I’ve been, and still am, a regular at many places, but this place in particular, I notice the difference.

Maybe because the type of bar it is? Maybe because the the traffic that comes through? I don’t know, but what I DO know is, when it’s busy I am patient and understanding, and I don’t let the busyness deter me from tipping well or taking it personal. But I also always notice other regulars who frequent this place.. almost all of whom are male.. are still always taken care of in a timely manner.

Now, don’t get me wrong.. women are different personality-wise by nature.. but is that any reason to take advantage of those qualities? I know for a fact I make the same, if not more, than many of those men who frequent this place, but yet, my dollar is undermined by the fact that I’m a female. Even by female staff no less!

Why does society hate successful women? Why must I BE understanding if I’m served after a man? Even fellow women can’t stand successful women! *face_palm* No one questions the man who shows up every night to have a cocktail and sits at the bar for a few hours, yet I receive looks and questions of why I’m there so often. This then turns into “jokes” which in turn just shows that women aren’t allowed to “act” like men.

HOW ABOUT WE JUST ACT LIKE PEOPLE. PEOPLE WHO HAVE STRESSFUL JOBS THAT MAKE THEM WANT TO DRINK.

I understand this post is slightly 2-fold: treatment and success. But many times it comes hand-in-hand. This even more frustrates me that I am constantly judged for both.

I don’t think there’s much moral to this story due to the fact that my situation, and the situations of other successful women won’t change overnight. But I guess use this as a reminder of inequality and societal stigma that is sadly still ingrained even in this new generation of “activists” and “free thinkers”.

It costs nothing to be kind.

✌🏻

that time i was smarter than my smart phone

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

July 14th was a very special day, it was a Sunday. I actually can’t even type that with a straight face. Thinking about it makes me laugh.. and cry.. and cry some more, lol. The night of the 14th I had one of the worst anxiety attacks I’ve had in a long time. I had the worst dream, waking up at like 3am literally soaked in my own sweat. So bad, that I had to get out of bed and change.

Long story short, after some wild txt, social media insanity, work needs and an adjustment of my schedule, I turned my phone off from Tuesday, the 16th at 2pm until Sunday, the 28th at 12pm. Not only was this quite a learning experience, but also a bucket of realizations.

Some major points:

  • Time and directions
  • Honesty
  • Priorities
  • **How you feel about yourself never changes

Time and Directions. If I’m being honest, this was really the only downfall of the two weeks, haha. I never realized how much I needed a watch (totally bought myself a watch 😉 ). But really, I’d always wanted one anyway.. and this solidified a reason to purchase. Traffic more than directions was my other issue here. If you know me at all, you know that the minute I go anywhere once, I will find it again. Will I get lost in the process? Possibly, but I will still make it without directions. It really only matters when trying to find somewhere I’ve never been.. three times I had to either print or write down some google maps madness, lol. But the checking of traffic.. man, having to consider a worse-case scenario every time I travel wastes a little time, and sometimes, it still made me late.

Honesty. One of my fav servers said to me (paraphrasing): “that’s scary, it’s one thing to tell the truth, it’s another to be honest.” As we continued conversation, turns out people are afraid of honesty yet want the truth. <<insert.confused.emoji.here>>

Honesty: Expressing your feelings and opinions accurately.
Truth: Accurate representation of reality. (Facts)

Exhibit A: Truth – no I don’t remember your name

Exhibit B: Honesty – no I don’t remember your name because I wasn’t interested in remembering it

This was the hardest. Because in life, I’ll guestimate 99% of us use our phones as a barrier to people we don’t want to interact with in public – in the waiting room at the Dr office, the bus, the train, at the bar waiting for friends.. etc. I go out alone all the time, especially to my regular locations. But going to a bar alone as a woman, even in 2019, is THE.WORST. I never win. I either talk just to be polite, ruining my own time, or I use my phone as an excuse and get berated by men because of it. Without a phone, and having my anxiety higher than normal, I had no choice but to finally be honest with people. I actually told a guy I was not interested in his conversation and that he could still talk, but I didn’t care. That one actually went well. Another however, (from the exhibit above) pretty much tried to make me feel bad because I didn’t remember him from 4 months ago. FOUR MONTHS. Although I wished I was a little more honest with that one, lol, it ended with him practically yelling at me and calling me a terrible person.

Overall I didn’t hate the experience though. I appreciated having to learn how to talk to people again, and being conscious of explanation. Even though most of the experiences probably increased my anxiety, lol, in the end I felt better putting my emotions out there so I didn’t have to deal with these people again if I didn’t want to. Fakeness doesn’t look good on me.

Priorities. Just as these random people I don’t care to be friends with, or anything else for that matter, reminded me about what was important, I also learned how important I was to others. And I guess this could all be relative, this “important” idea. Because most people didn’t know my phone was off until it was “too late” if you will. It was interesting to see though, people that did freak out a little who noticed I had “disappeared” and those I never heard from. Either way, the whole point was to escape for a while. But I did tell some people, work for example, so they didn’t think I was being rude. I told my brother and sister-in-law, and my besties. Others found out as the days were going either because someone would mention it or I had to explain myself. So if there were any emergencies, everyone knew to either email me or message me on one particular social media. That was the thing too, I realized social media meant nothing to me. I will talk about that a little more as I close out this post.

But in deciding who to tell, and who “didn’t matter” was strange. Because some people I wanted to tell, not like they don’t matter, but some people are just noise. And I’m also not saying it’s all bad noise.. but noise all the same. My trainer for example, texts me all the time to see how I’m doing, and that’s fine, but the thing is, why do I feel the NEED to respond? It’s not “important”. But my anxiety always makes me feel obligated to respond to everything all the time at that moment. So I learned not to respond to messages other than those I needed, like making plans, confirming locations, letting people know I got home safe.

This also reminded me of 2 things: how sad our society is, but also how much love is out there.

The nights I went out I saw both examples. One night I went to a show at the House of Blues. A bunch of fans were there of course, but it was amazing how many people were literally just filming, or live streaming the entire freakin set with their phones. Like, get out of my way so I can jump around, sing along, and SEE the band. I don’t want to look at your phone all night, and it’s sad that this is how you experience life RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. But on the other hand, I was at the bar one night, and I had nothing to do at that point but people watch. I looked around and I felt like I was in the opening credits of Love Actually. “If you look for it, I’ve got a sneaky feeling you’ll find that love actually is all around.” -HG. Seriously, It was like slo-mo watching people NOT on their phones, talking, laughing, genuinely enjoying their time with people. You could see first dates, some hoping they were on dates, and many friends just getting together.

Priorities. Would you rather live your life in the moment, or through a screen? Do you live for experiences, or just for the IG? And again, priorities are really a relative idea, because what is important is different to all of us, but the question is, are you putting the things that give you life priority? The things, people, experiences, that make you smile. Or are you constantly putting tasks, or negative energy first? Work over family, “old” friends over good friends, or an ex over a new possibility? This was an eye opener for me because I no longer had something to distract me.

How You Feel About Yourself. One thing is for sure.. no matter phone off or on.. the way you feel about yourself will not change. Like I mentioned before, social media wasn’t my problem. We are constantly looking for a reason to why we view ourselves the way we do.. not saying that social media doesn’t play a part with all the “fake news” but no matter what you look at everyday, or read.. when you get home, alone in your room, the only thing you compare yourself to is what you were yesterday.. or 3 years ago.. At least for me, those fitness models don’t make me feel bad about about myself, a picture from 5yr ago makes me feel bad about myself.. getting (or even not getting) txt and messages from all the wrong people don’t make me sad, my insecurities make me sad. I am the only thing I can control, and I am the only person who can change me.

This was the largest epiphany of the two weeks. As much as we distract ourselves from “reality” through our phones, we forget it’s how we react to reality that causes most of our problems.

annie

Mental health and all, we still create our means to our ends. And I’m not going to tell any of you to turn your phones off for two weeks, but I will say this:

Whatever you use as a distraction, phone, Netflix, computer, social media, etc.. just remember what it is, and what it should be. Technology was created to help society, use it for that. Skyping with your favorite people who live in another state, being able to see vaca pics from your bestie while she is away, keeping up with your nieces’ and nephews’ 852493740 activities and sporting events so you can keep being a proud auntie/uncle. Try NOT to use it for distraction. Talk to people, be honest with them. In a society filled with messages of accepting others, live it, don’t just talk about it. Change happens with action not talk.

And there it is. Action. I came to a point in my mental health where I realized I needed to take action. As drastic or not as turning off a phone may be, I needed to do something for me. I needed to take care of myself, I needed to remember that you can’t fill from an empty cup. I may live with this the rest of my life, but for what I can control, I know I can “escape” and the world will still turn, and I will still have another chance tomorrow.

I mean, I’m also not going to say don’t turn your phone off for two weeks, because realizing how amazing and scary it was, definitely was eye opening. From feeling free, to being scared that I might get into a car accident and can’t call for help – like all things, there was good and bad. And learning to cope with both was helpful in realizing how much I can control myself, and my reactions.

So remember my friends, take care of yourselves, whether conventional or crazy. Do you boo. And also remember it’s people who are important, not the devices you use communicate with them.

 

❤

 

 

hit me like a hurricane

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I’m alive!

I honestly can’t believe how long it has been since my last post. For those who are still out there following me, and those who have been reading recently, a very big THANK YOU, to you!

I have been traveling A LOT, especially this year. Most for fun, one due to a family death, but all sending me across the country nonetheless. As we all know, if you have read any posts on this page, I have anxiety and depression. And with all the travel, and death, and well, life.. I hadn’t had time to see my therapist. After my last trip, an actual vacation! I finally saw my lovely Dr. and verbally vomited a lot of what was held in, the past 6 months. There were some weird dreams I had, and a lot of emotions needing to be discussed.

One thing we always work on is meditation. I’m terrible at this. I think it’s a little weird if I’m gonna be honest, but I know it helps. One thing my therapist always tells me, is that no one is perfect at meditation, it’s not supposed to be “perfected”. Because my mind is constantly running at 435948732 miles an hour, I always seem to wander off or lose track, and not that I have to be but I always feel bad, or like I’m failing. Positive note is that my therapist also always says that’s what meditation is, working on coming back to center. So the thing is, if I’m wandering and NOT coming back to center.. then there’s an issue. But the constant work of coming back to center is the work I need to be doing.

Point of this preface is that last night, I was trying to meditate. Per usual, my brain had me going in 78 directions and I’m having conversations that don’t exist with people who have no idea about the way I feel.. etc.. But in my ramblings to myself, 2 topics came to mind:

  1. I was talking something out about the “good & bad”. But then caught myself saying: but why does there always have to be “bad”? Why can’t it be “good & opportunistic”? Because in every, and I mean EVERY “bad” there is always a good. No matter how far off or morbid, or partially insane the idea may be, there is always a good. Now, I’m not discounting the pain and/or struggle we may have when things go wrong, or even when we lose a loved one.. but there is still, and always will be, a silver lining.
  2. Heartbreak. I’m sure somewhere in my internal conversations these two topics somehow merged, but heartbreak in a separate sense fascinated me for some time. Because as most of you know, I LOVE, love. Because love moves mountains, saves lives, brings people together, and in it’s purest form is nothing but contentment.

And this my friends is where my post has led me today. I was thinking about people I care about and the concept of love again.. that Love is: 1 Corinthians: 13. Not that I’m trying to make y’all read the bible, but point is that Love is pure, and all that is good.

Love is not Lust. Love is not obsession. Love is not fear. Love is not expectation. Love is not sex. Love is not attractiveness. Love is not flirting. Love is not pain. I can go on, but lastly, heartbreak has nothing to do with love.

Those items noted above are in and of themselves things, feelings, and separate entities of life that create emotion, sometimes pain, confusion, conflict, and questions.

Love, in and of itself, is the only thing that makes all those above disappear. Love itself is pure optimism, peace, and answers.

A few months back, I was talking to my best friend about love and heartbreak, and how we wouldn’t be who we are without the experiences we have had. And we talked about other people we knew some who have, and possibly have NOT had these same experiences. The conversation turned to: you can’t understand love, or life even, if you have not experienced heartbreak. Never in a million years did I think I would ever say.. FALSE.

I thought about that last night, while “trying” lol, to meditate. I have been heartbroken 4 times. You always remember those times people. They are terrible times. 3 times from the hands of men, and one time from my own. Broke my own damn heart.

And let me tell you. Heartbreak, or heartache is nothing, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING I wish upon ANYONE. I used to think: “Can’t wait till someone breaks his heart/breaks her heart.. then they will know/understand……..”

NO. I don’t care what you have done to me in this world. I wish this emotion, or life episode, on NO ONE. Just thinking about it, I fell into a small hole remembering what that felt like. And at the time people would say, “Well you loved him.” Yes. Past Tense. Because I realized, if you become heartbroken, it was not true love. It was possibly something else. Lust, sex, obsession, expectation, friendship even (that involved expectation).. but not love.

Heartbreak literally throws you under a bus. An unmoving one. It’s suffocating. It is the true definition of depression. There is a hole, an empty space in your stomach. You can literally feel it. It’s like a daily stomachache. The hole in your heart is similar, but strangely enough not as painful. Maybe because it knows it wasn’t love.

But this pit in your stomach.. not only does that hurt, your head hurts, your muscles hurt, your joints hurt. You definitely do not want to get out of bed. You sleep for days. The crying.. OH THE CRYING. I’m telling you, it is unbearably painful. Every part of your being hurts. It hurts to laugh, it hurts to think. You think you are going crazy. Not only the physical pain.. but seriously how can your emotions hurt too?! How, I tell you!?

I can literally re-feel it right now. Once it happens I don’t think that memory will ever leave, maybe because it’s a reminder to be better next time and work to NOT get to that place again. Remember, not all breakups lead to heartbreak/ache, so to be conscious of that can help alleviate any future breakup/relationship issues.

In that context, to finish this off – I was talking to a friend before I finished editing this, and he mentioned in his last few relationships that he kind of set himself up to sort of expect a breakup. Not that he didn’t hope for longevity, but understanding reality he just realized that if the relationship did end, then it was nothing “unexpected”. Me, being the over-thinker that I am, internally questioned: Was this just a typical “guy” set up into relationships? Did this take away from the validity of the relationship? Is this the new wave of not allowing yourself to be vulnerable and not fully putting yourself into the relationship? Or did this just answer my idea of working to NOT get into a place of heartbreak?

Either way, emotions have no definitive answer because they are felt, but one thing is for certain – Love that is real and pure does not create pain. Pain is a separate and individual emotion. Relationships are not black and white, but heartbreak/ache (or at least the memory of it) is forever.

Be mindful of how your relationships are, whether romantically, or friendship. Friends can break hearts too you know, and Love is meant to grow, not diminish.

Lastly, if you’ve never felt heartbreak, spread love to more people. You have a gift, and I hope you always feel that goodness.

❤

 

 

 

 

Untitled 2

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I felt compelled to write tonight.

Maybe because it’s been a while? Also maybe because ideas and emotions always flow through my brain when I’m depressed or anxious because that’s what causes the issue in the first place, amiright?! Just casually sitting here, creating unrealistic life scenarios all day and thinking the world is out to get me. #nobigs

Therapy has been tough recently. Not “tough” as in difficult per say, but tough emotionally. Don’t get me wrong, I know that’s the point. To shake up unresolved emotions and get them out. It’s a process, a daily challenge. And like 80% of this worlds population, I have issues.

  1. Control issues (where this comes from is a novel, so let’s not go there today)
  2. When I begin to “feel” not in control of life, I panic and ultimately become a very difficult person. I snap, I’m rude, I’m a super bitch, and then I ignore the world for a minute to “make a point” (<< seriously I’m a crazy person) and then when my point isn’t understood I get angry again and sort of create situations of self-sabotage in order to try and “control” something or someone.. see #1

One thing I do rather well is fight with people in order to inflict emotion. I tell myself I’m just challenging their thought process, but no, I know I’m just fighting. Because for some ungodly reason, fighting still equates emotion for me. I lived many a life where fighting = caring. Now, I KNOW this is not true. Fighting does not equal caring. But it’s still in there somewhere, and needs to release. I actually didn’t realize how bad this was until recently.

Because I realized.. the person I keep “trying” (I’m not quite succeeding more than just making myself mad and becoming disappointed in myself) to fight with, isn’t “fighting” back. And when the words (verbatim btw): “I’m just waiting for you to tell me to shut the fuck up!” came out of my mouth, it hit me, very, very, very.. VERY hard.

Why. Why must someone need to fight back? Why am I even doing this? Why do I think this will change anything? I mean, through all my therapy and self-realization I do know the answers here.. but I think my “why” is more like.. Why is that emotion still inside me?

I thought I got rid of it. I thought I had come to a point of clarity, using a LOT of practice I might add, in letting things go. Letting the hurt and painful emotions go. I keep ignoring those calls from the past.. why do they keep calling?!

The worst is that I am hardest on myself. Because just as I talked about this yesterday with a wonderful person.. the only thing I can control is myself.. what I do, and more specifically what I put or don’t put in my body. So let’s play What Year is it?! And let’s go back to 1999 and stop eating! Because I can control that. Now I understand I need to consume nutrients in order to function, so I do take care of that in a sense, so I don’t pass out. And please no one yell at me, because I also KNOW this is not healthy by any means, and I will eventually find myself in trouble. If you come at me trying to feed me, I’ll punch you in the throat. (Do we need to revisit my “fighting” issues? lol) I am just sharing a story that I’m sure many can relate to in some form or fashion. And really for me, and again, I KNOW this isn’t a great remedy, but if I “punish” myself, I can hurt no one else.

For those who know me, know I am a kind, giving, loving, positive even! person by nature. So many people are shocked when they find out I go to therapy because they have no clue the trauma I had to deal with to just get to this point.

So anyway, to not spiral too deep, I will say this: Thank you to those who are patient with me. Thank you to those who understand (or at least try to) my pain and can help talk me through things. Thank you to those for just reading this and seeing me as a person who is just trying to live their best life and not just post all that is wonderful. Although, I could totally post about Kate & Pete foreverrrrrr ❤ lol

the-people-who-are-meant-to-be-in-your-life-31911749

Thank you, and thank you to those who are going through this too because you are not alone, you are strong, and you help me too when I read your stories..

 

Everyday is a new day.

Cheers, xoxo

 

 

 

it’s not me.. it’s you.

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Here’s a little story that I dedicate to all the “Debbie Downers” out there.

Those who know even a little bit about me, know that I can be a hardcore, CAPITAL – B, bold, italic, underlined, BITCH. I cut people out of my life, I fight for what I believe is to be true << true is the key word here. But sometimes I just like to fight. I’ve made terrible decisions in my day, and have paid my dues many times over thanks to Karma. As people, we are not perfect. I have learned to accept this in others, yet it still baffles me why the majority are still hung up on this thing called perfection. You know “perfection” is a relative term right?

Anywhoo other things that people know about me is that I have anxiety and depression. It hinders many a day, and from April thru June, there were days I never even left my bed, aside from the one forceful pull out to get food because I didn’t really feel like causing my own sad death. One.meal.a.day, people.

One last fun thing to mention is that even if you’ve just had one awkward conversation with me, you’ll also know that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am loyal to a fault. And the best thing I do, is that I provide too much information too soon. I have factual evidence regarding this dating back to, at least, 2000/2001, lol. (one day I’ll write a story about that Filene’s break room conversation, thank you always, Patrick 😉 ) I just love learning about people and showing that I care. I love creating deep conversations, for the sake of learning, and to understand people better. More than anything, I never want others to feel that I am not being truthful so I try and give of myself as best I can.

Point is – with my good, there is my bad – or maybe it can be seen as, with my bad, there is my good. The funny thing about these “faults” of mine is that even through my darkest of days, my bitchiest of attitudes, I somehow have a feeling of realistic positivity. Some might say it’s a choice, I choose realistic positivity. So here’s the hilarious thing – more people can’t stand me when I’m positive (especially during “imperfect” times) vs when I’m negative. Misery really does love company. More so, I then get these people who think I have this perfect little life, see this post. Even more hilarious is when I do post some darker things, like anxiety, depression, emotional distress, and coping with loss, people then think I’m just looking for attention. I can’t win. Hence, it’s not Me, it’s YOU.

I almost always have a sense of realistic-positivity (almost, because again, I’m not perfect). But because I’m not an idiot, or I’d like to think I’m not at least, lol, I get that all positivity can’t come to fruition (realism 🙂 ), however, you can always choose to focus on the pieces that can.

Example: I am sick – I have been sick 3 times this year, and this recent one is going on about 6 weeks. I get sick because I have high stress. My stress turns into anxiety, and sometimes if I fall, it then becomes depression. I am on a bunch of meds at the moment, including an inhaler to try and get me better this time around. I was pretty down on myself Friday, and felt it even more yesterday. All I wanted to do was go to the beach and stare at the ocean before the world woke up. Little did I remember, there was a 10k race happening, roads were closed and parking was all taken. This made me even more sad. It wasn’t even 8am. 😦 I decided to just go to breakfast since I was out, that way I could also take my 7, yes SEVEN pills that I needed to take that morning.

I got home by about 9:30am. Honestly, I was frustrated. On a “bad day” I literally would have just gone back to bed and pout. But I told myself, “I can go tomorrow, I’ll get up even earlier and beat them all to the sand” (realistic-positivity). Since I was home, I decided to read a Class Action Settlement letter that I got in the mail while I was away on vacation. It was for a faulty part on my car and I realized I am part of it, and can submit a claim. I pull out all my invoices and realize that my shop did the SAME.EXACT.SERVICE in February AND recently in July. I was like: wha? I paid an extra 1k on this?! Was there a problem with the first one!? This made me upset – the day was already sad, was it getting worse? I called my shop half angry, yet half patient, to see what they would say. I was finally connected to one of the guys who I always deal with, and he found my two invoices. He apologized profusely and is refunding me the double charge. Because either way, if there was an issue, they never should have charged me twice. And I am still eligible for this claim, so in the end, I could get all my thousands back for the original replacement!

Kid you not, I hung up the phone, and started to laugh. I looked up at the cosmos and literally almost started to cry. My exact words to my sister-in-law were: “Seriously, this is such a weird emotional moment of depression and hope lol.”

But also seriously – This is what gratefulness and a little bit of positivity can get you. With every bad, dark day, we have a good day. With every terrible experience, we have an amazing one. It’s life’s balance. Because again, none of us are perfect. We make mistakes, we are mean sometimes, but we can also choose to be kind. We can choose to love, and we can choose to keep the light inside us through all our storms. Our imperfect moments may come around, but our “perfect” moments are close behind. I truly believe my small bout of hope and positivity helped with this karmic circle.

So call me crazy, call me obnoxious, call me whatever you please, but I would rather believe there is something better, a new beginning, if you will 😉 to look forward to – than to accept pain and suffering, or something as simple as assuming a whole day is ruined. All negativity does is keep us from enjoying fully the best moments we encounter because we are always waiting for the backhand.

But all you have to do is turn your head forward, and you’ll miss getting slapped. 😉

roses

Stay positive, my friends. It’s not easy, I understand, but it has a WAY better outcome than negativity. I have seen with my own eyes that what you give will always be what you receive. And with all the crap Iv’e dealt with the past few months, I’m just happy that my good energies seem to be making their way back to me.

 

❤

one wing out

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I haven’t been this happy in a while ❤

Despite my childhood trauma, or maybe because of it, I’ve always been a late bloomer. I wasn’t a typical High-Schooler, I never partied and I was engaged before I gave away my v-card. I was 21 and divorced when I finally started to do what “normal” people did my age – which then created a downfall of mistakes I fell into until I was 27. That year, I was pretty much reborn after meeting the person who I believe saved my life. I had lost years, and have been trying to catch back up ever since.

Because, for as long as I can remember, I have been placed in a box. This little space of what people assume I am or expect me to be. Assumptions or judgements of the type of person I am based on a number of factors that say little about me. My past, my grades, my occupation, my age, my eating habits, my wardrobe, my music choices, my dating history.. I can go on.. Little did/do people know about the black hole of what is actually me. The few who know me well, know I have never believed in societal expectations. Yet these expectations I allowed myself to follow, forced me into many situations and “lives” that never held my truth. Maybe that’s why I snapped at 21. I did everything I was “supposed” to do. I followed society’s rules. I tucked my past away and I excelled. I was on honor roll, I got married, went to college, and even got searched out by a few schools to play volleyball. What no one saw, however, was how much I hated myself from the ages of 13, to 27. No one saw I was living a complete and utter lie. I was living in accordance to the “rules of the road” with the idea that this would be the way for my past never to repeat itself. Except, that in itself is also a lie.

“All great changes are preceded by chaos.” -Deepak Chopra

One of my favorite quotes, and it has never been more true than as of late. So many wild things have been happening – lots of good, lots of bad.. Weeks, months even.. of thought, anxiety, depression, loss. Being part of big changes, and contemplating exciting changes of my own.

And I came to a conclusion that I’m tired of living how others believe I am, or should be for that matter. I’m tired of being complacent out of fear of my past. Truth is hard to come by these days, and the people I admire the most are not necessarily philanthropic, but they live their truth, and choose to see all aspects of life as opportunity and not obstacles.

I guess for me recently, after experiencing some very large changes, I realized that it’s time for me to live my truth. I am not my age, I am not my job, and if you want to get technical, I’m not even my name – it’s just what I am called.

I am so very tired of living based on the year I was born and what I do for a living. I am not the children I don’t have and the marriage I may never want again. I am not what I wear (although I do dress based on my mood, lol). I am not the house I don’t own or the uncertainty of my career. What I am, however, is honest. I am emotional. I give too much of myself, too soon. I love without boundaries, care too much, and give without expectation. I am a lover of the ocean, sunrises and sunsets.. flowers, and ice cream. If I could rip my brain out of my head I would, because I believe that the heart carries more truth than the mind. I am not what you see, but I am the story my eyes tell. I am not broken, just breaking free, and I finally have one wing out.

Dean_Jackson_butterfly_quote_

Don’t let outside judgements hold you back from yourself. Live your truth, my friends.

❤

can I use expletives?

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Because I would love to.

I had a conversation with a co-worker just the other day, and almost blogged at that very moment. We were talking about the many “changes” I am going through, “updates” if you will. And he asked, “Why do you care so much about what other people think?!” (It was more a stern statement, like, “Kara, WTF”) Because I have kept most a secret.. hence all my phases and reveals lol. This in turn made me think of my most favorite quote:

IMG_5513

I know I’ve posted this before, and talked about it, but it is all too relevant. Because yes, this is why I keep things to myself sometimes – People ruin beautiful things.

And by “ruin beautiful things”, our conversation continued into the terrible-ness of society and how if we walked into the mall at that very moment in our suits, we would be treated WAY differently than our weekend clothes. We are judged. All The Time. This co-worker also owns a home, and when he first moved, he received questions from his neighbors of: “Oh who owns this property? Or blatant “Are you renting?” Low and behold the shocked faces when he states he owns it. Even worse, when they ask what he does for a living and he answers.. their expressions turn into “ooohhhh ok, makes sense.” MAKES SENSE?!

I rent, and I am 8 years older than said co-worker (but look 10 years younger, lol). So my question is, why is it that a 20-something yr old can’t own a home without having to explain how, or why? Why can’t people just understand that there are 20yr olds who started saving at 16 or even 45yr olds who may never be able to afford owning property at all?! You realize there are 7.5 BILLION people in this world. Another twist! I’ll bet you right now, you find millions 30yr old divorcee’s with NO CHILDREN. And more so millions of 18-20yr olds married with kids. So why does the “average” person make assumptions and judgements based on looks/age?

Why must we always have to explain ourselves? And why are there SO MANY discriminatory ideas of age!? I understand there are laws of the land, but these societal judgements have nothing to do with laws.. but more so media. It has been engrained in our minds that life is only “good” a certain way. Even these millennial/gen Z-ers who have coined the phrase “living my best life.” Are you though? Or are you just trying to blend in with the sheep?

People are so concerned with – Status-Quo – that they forget there are souls in each and every one of us. To use myself as an example, I look about about 10+ years younger than my actual age. Judgements against me go two ways:

  1. People are fascinated by the fact I look absurdly younger than my actual age. They see this as endearing, and that I take care of myself. I am also a fountain of knowledge, so until they realize my actual age, I’m just making 20yr olds look good lol. Also, I’ve only ever dated 2 guys older than me.
  2. I’ll be adulting.. like when I was buying a car, I was being treated like the 21yr old I look like. I had to be one of those people who are like.. LISTEN. I’M XX YEARS OLD. DON’T BS ME. Then attitudes change quick. From my job, to my age, attitudes always seem to change, for better or worse.

This is why I keep things to myself, because I’m tired of society judging me. I’m doing some things that, “don’t make sense”. Well hey, wanna know what’s better than Society’s Opinion?! MINE.

Honestly though, I feel bad for people who are actually in their 20s – I work with a lot of them. Because I can at least verify myself as NOT being one of them, to provide the “perception” that I’m not an idiot? Seriously.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!

Not that any of my words will change any of you reading this, but can we just take a step back every once in a while? Can we just see people for WHO THEY ARE?

For what their eyes say?

What their hearts feel?

What dreams they have, and values they hold on to?

Their actions?

I get we are in an electronic age, but lets start opening books again based on the story and words within the pages.. not the cover.

Remember what happens when we assume..?

 

❤

 

 

 

a whole bunch of nonsense

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I feel so inclined to vent today.. It’s been one shit week let me tell ya.

But as angry, hurt, frustrated, just overly emotional as I am, today was an eye opener. I don’t really talk about what is going on with me unless people ask. I have this assumption (or should I say expectation?) that if someone wanted to know something about me, they would ask, right? Just as I ask how people are doing on a daily basis.

side note: Why do I keep thinking people are like me!?

Anyway – I was chatting with a co-worker this morning and he opened up about some personal struggles he was facing. I provided my support, and shared that it’s a very interesting time, because I have recently been experiencing some similarities with others I know. Very large personal changes happening, and none are on the side of positive at the moment.

As he continued to explain, I had a moment of gratitude.. That realization, which I try and remind myself often, is that there are worse things happening out there in the world than my own “problems”. And although this idea still causes anxiety and depression – because I think I can handle ANYTHING I tell ya! – it was still rather fascinating to me that life just never stops.

No matter what is happening – happiness, vacations, sadness, losing your job – whatever it may be, life is always just happening for others. I had this huge bout of anxiety a few weeks back because something was happening to everyone around me. New jobs, new apartments, babies, new relationships, you name it. Generally speaking, it was all good things at that time. And I wondered, “why am I stagnant?!” But I realize now, maybe it wasn’t stagnation, maybe I was just in preparation mode. Maybe it’s true,

all great changes

That’s it – for me it was internal chaos, but chaos nonetheless. And not to say I’ve got all things figured out, but I have definitely been doing things now, that I should have been doing weeks, if not, months ago.

In thinking about all that was happening with people around me, my focus shifted. I then finally realized where my anxiety stems from. People. Lol.. more so, I’m afraid to lose people. Most of you know relationships are important to me. But there always comes a time in all my relationships, especially friendships, where I start “expecting” things. And by “things” I mean behaviors. Again, I assume people are like me, or I assume the Golden Rule holds true.

The problem, as we know, is if everyone were doctors, we would have no firemen. So I don’t know why I begin to expect that people just turn into me with all my goodness and giving. They aren’t me. So what ends up happening, and hysterically enough this has happened to all my very best and closest friends, is that I feel like I’m losing them somehow. Because they aren’t “caring” about me as much as I care about them while life is happening to them.

As I was sitting here sipping my latte, I realized – In almost all my closest friendships there has come a point where I questioned the loyalty of said friend. I would get upset because they were not treating me, as I do them. And as we know, I’m a little extreme – I love without boundaries and give without cause. And in each of these friendships, I’ve pushed to the point of a sort-of exile – where I, in a sense, remove this person from my peripheral, thinking this will fix whatever underlying issue there is.

After hiding, (like with one friend, we stopped speaking almost 2 years) if all is meant to be, we usually find ourselves back, talk it out, and create an even stronger bond. And literally this has happened to all 4 of my closest friends. But why? Why did each friendship have to be “tested”?

expectation

The reality is, that things are happening all around us, to everyone around us, all the time. Change is inevitable, but that doesn’t mean your people have to, or will change. I also need to continuously remind myself that I am not like other people. I will always care more. But for some reason, I thought it was easier to shut people out than care sometimes, thinking this would ease the pain of potential “loss”. Though clearly it’s not the best route to show that you do care.. oops. I’m just glad that the handful of people I have kept, chose to keep me too. I’m worth it, I swear! 🙂

However, the one thing I need to work on are these “expectations”. I hate expectations! So I wonder why I have them with the people I care most about? This is definitely something I never came to terms with until now, which to me, is surprising. I guess better late then never.

So if I’ve ever kicked you down or become overly emotional because of my un-met needs, I apologize. I am the only person who can meet my needs, so I have to understand and trust to utilize my people for their strengths, just as they use me for mine. xoxo

#rantover

❤

..

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

**wow, I started this almost two years ago.. and it is all still so relevant – especially the emotional distress lol, every few years.. so true!

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What does it really mean to give? To love?

Love is a constant topic on my blog. Mainly because I believe 90% of the population does not understand it, or they confuse it with some other emotion. I’m not sure where in my life this issue became such a focus and frustration to me, but I’ve had this feeling for a long time.

I have currently been experiencing another downward cycle of emotional distress. I understand myself fairly well, but every so often something happens inside me and I sort of snap. I cry for days, weeks even, and can’t control emotions. I know where it fuels from.. I have demons – don’t we all? But by nature I am a happy, realistically-positive person, which allows me to manage these dark emotions, but as mentioned, like all things, nothing lasts forever.. not even happiness. Thankfully, neither does distress, so I only encounter these, what I have so graciously coined as, the “darkest of times” periodically. It seems to happen every few years.. and usually its followed by some new energy that does one of two things: gets me in trouble, or sends me into an abyss of wild happiness.. or both, I guess.

I’m not there yet, not even close. I’m still milling in my brain why I’m not just filled with pancakes vs emotions. Emotions are tough, which brings me back to my initial sentence. To give.. to love..

Why has no one figured out that yes.. love is 1 Corinthians 13. It is all of it. Love is patient. Patience. The one virtue I swear almost everyone I know, including myself has a difficult time with.

<<end.old>>

____________________________________________________________________________________________

<<begin.new>>

Not exactly sure where I was going with this, but let’s go back to that last sentence – Why has no one figured out that Love is: 1 Corinthians 13? Because it’s tough. Like I said, emotions are tough. And for someone who throws down emotions like they’re bottomless mimosas on a Sunday morning, I can vouch the toughness.

I scare people. I frustrate people. I annoy people. A wonderful co-worker said it best: “Kara, your problem is that you give your all at the beginning of everything. And not many people can handle that.” << context here was relationships, but he was even talking normal friendships and work relationships. I do, I give everything right out the gates. I mean why not? Have you ever seen those parody commercials (I want to say it was for a credit card) where they caption, “Imagine if you were completely honest on a first date”. And it goes on with the girl who says, “I’m just here for a free dinner”, and the guy “I still live at home with my mother”. (or something like that)

See?! That isn’t a what-if for me.. it’s reality. Thankfully, I DON’T NEED NO MAN TO BUY ME DINNER, lol – So that piece would never happen to me. However, this is also why sometimes I’m quiet because I can’t think of the right things to say.

So I guess there’s part of my problem.. I def don’t think before I speak.. because everything for me is emotional, and my brain isn’t invited to the party.

Anyway, this is slowly coming back to the point of this pieced-together blog: What does it mean to give? To love? It means being uncomfortable. It means being vulnerable. It means being honest. Love is being patient. And what is Patience? It’s hard, thats what it is. But it also means making other people happy. Making yourself happy. Experiencing a state of euphoria that cannot be matched with any other experience. And for me, fulfilling my purpose to be of value to others.

My biggest downfall is that I take care of others before I take care of myself. But that is love – to give without expectation. << This leads me to a tiny note: theres that saying:

love hurts

The only thing I don’t quite agree with here, is the “cover up” part, but you see where I’m going here.. Love is NOT: sex, obsession, lust, crushes, infatuation, butterflies, sweaty palms, jealousy, I can go on..

If we can just remember that to Love and to Give are verbs, action words – then it should always be a reminder that it’s the people that you give to, you love.. that may be the issue. Not the giving of Love itself. How many of us have given or loved people who have not given the same in return!? Exactly. But giving and love are not about what you get in return. What’s that other quote?

“When you give and expect something in return, that is doing business not kindness”

There are a few variations of this that state love specifically, but you get the point.

To love and to give go hand-in-hand. So don’t be afraid to love, or feel in general. Just be patient, read all of 1 Corinthians 13, and remember that love and giving is about the act, not about the people.

cheers to love,

❤

 

stop listening

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

You know that saying:

ears

Yah, yah – we need to listen more than we talk.. and this is interesting really.. because it is a valid point to this post. I was going to dive into the idea that we need to STOP listening to others so much, and more of ourselves.. but this is a great point to note that people also need to STOP talking so much too.

mouthclosed

I guess with one truly comes the other.

I learned recently during what I like to call another “episode” of the Darkest of Times, and what a friend calls a “spring-crisis”, (or whatever season this seems to happen on) that for as much as I preach to myself to.. well.. listen to myself, I tend to take what others say more into consideration. And I’m not saying a second opinion isn’t worth it, but why are we always looking for that second opinion at all? Or worse, why are people giving us second opinions when we don’t want them? I know that when people care, they challenge us, to make us think outside ourselves or from a different perspective. And of course, I’m not saying that challenging an idea isn’t helpful either, but the people in our lives are supposed to support us. << Was that enough emphasis there? Lol.

And I understand that in supporting each other, we also need to challenge each other, however, many times we don’t realize, that sometimes people just need support. And to be listened to.

That’s it.

Sometimes an opinion is not what anyone is looking for. Many times, we already know the answer. Whether or not we want to act on those answers is another story.. but the point is, we know ourselves better than most. There may be a handful of people that border on “osmosis-through-the-brain” and may see things that we may have overlooked, but in the end, if we all sit in a dark room alone, we know or feel our truth.

I’m a feeler as we know (however creepy that may sound, lol) so the one thing I realized the past two weeks is that people kept providing me with logical answers. Answers from the brain, if you will. I’m not against my brain, but in my experience, when I have lived through my emotions vs my brain, I always end up happier.

My life-answers are always from the heart. My brain is only useful during actual logical situations.. like driving, following the rules of the road, work, professionalism, math, science. You get my drift. But at any time that matters of life are involved, for me, there is no truer way to live other than from your heart. Your instincts never let you down, even if you fall on your face. I’ve asked guys out, I’ve moved across the country, I’ve quit jobs, gone on last-minute road trips or flights to nowhere. So many of these emotion-driven decisions that resulted in some anxiety and stress, lol BUT ALSO c r a z y,  wonderful times ❤

And the crazy-wonderful is what I live for. I clearly have always figured it out. I can still feed myself, pay my rent, and clothe myself. But somewhere in the last two weeks, I thought it was better to use my brain than my heart. Sadly, and I guess, OBVI – it did not make me happy. I’m a giver, I’m a helper, I’m the worlds biggest supporter. I NEED to be there for people, even if they aren’t there for me. Does that make me crazy? I say no. It just makes the other people look bad. boom.

Long story, short. Stop listening.

Stop listening to the outside noises. Stop listening to your friends, your family, your co-workers. Yes, they are trying to help, and yes you can consider those ideas, but in the end, you are going to do whatever it is you will do anyway. So long as you accept those consequences – which I love, because that means I own my life – then live your best life for you.. and your heart.. and leave your brain on the kitchen table every now and then.

listentoyourheart

❤