Tag: truth

new beginning or just a new mindset?

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I guess it’s timely that I am trying to add a blog post at the end of January. I’m pretty predictable when the New Year rolls around.. and more so, February. I will say though, most of what’s on my mind right now, isn’t related to New Beginnings. Or maybe I’m just not seeing it that way.

Per usual, I am word vomiting something I am feeling in case any one of you out there might feel or possibly experience the same. There’s a spiritual page I love on IG but don’t follow, or like posts, for a reason. I want to believe that if this person shows up on my feed it’s meant to be. With a lot of spiritual people out there, you never know if the messages are based on truth or views. And I will say, the average “likes” are around 5k. For a verified account in this current-day social media state, that isn’t a lot, but also 5k people thinking this message is for them, might make it unrealistic for me? And then I think – there are 8 billion people in the world.. 5, even 6k people isn’t even 1% of the population. So in a realistic sense. I’m sure a couple of people in every country are experiencing similar situations like divorce, grief, happiness, etc.. so I want to believe these people are meant to see the message that day also and we are healing or thriving together. One fact in life is that although we do not experience anything the same way, there are always similarities, and sharing those experiences helps us learn different ways of understanding said situation. I, for one, love a good perspective I may not have thought of.

So, who out there has ever had a moment of self-reflection and realized.. OMG. TSwift was right, IM THE PROBLEM, ITS ME. Not that I think I’m a problem per se, but I had a moment of: OMG. I am NOT as positive as my outside self shows to people. Last weekend, in the 11th hour, I booked a flight to see my bestie on the eastie, lol. And her mom-self was in shock and surprise when she learned that I negative self talk… ALL THE TIME. Even as recent as that moment getting picked up from the airport, I was “confirming” thoughts in my head. It was a weekend very much needed, and we came out with a new mantra since the last one we thought of: Life is too short not be f*cking excited!

This “new” mantra is more calming, lol. It started with me, on the plane, reminding myself that life changes literally every moment. The past 3 years have been the best and worst reality check of that. Whether that’s death, a new job, a new person, a car accident, weather canceling an appointment… Big or small, there are moments that change the trajectory of our lives constantly. And I recall a post from my blogs-past – me talking about how: tomorrow your life can change, and it is the most exciting, yet scary thing to really realize. Because people break up, people die, people get injured, people lose jobs, natural disasters happen.. lots of scary things. Yet at the same time, in these same moments, people also fall in love, finally have the baby they’ve been trying 8yr for, get new jobs, win the lottery, move across the country…

The reality is, knowing that life can change any moment, we can either be scared or hopeful. There is so much possibility even in the next 10min. And if we’re trying to focus on the positive here, with any hardship, there is always a small light, no matter how hard it is to see. So I explained to my bestie, that I have been saying to myself the entire flight here: “Stay Hopeful not Scared.” We talked about this concept almost all weekend – she’s a saint I tell you ❤ And in one wonderful moment, she says to me – “how about we make this even more simple: I am Hopeful. Make it an affirmation. I’m not trying to be, I want to be, I am.” Her additional rationale on this is, even though the second part is NOT Scared, the last word I’m saying is still: Scared. And just like telling a 5yr old NOT to run, all they hear is the RUN.

So in this, we started saying: I am Hopeful. I’ve been saying it a lot. But I’m having a hard time with it honestly. I did get one of my associates at work to jump on this Hopeful bandwagon, and I can only imagine they too, might be having a hard time believing it also. And this here is where my sad, eye opening moment from this current weekend came from. I say positive things all the time – been challenged as a “toxic positivity” person even. And this weekend I thought: “I’m a fraud!” LOL. Seriously though, I talk such a game of staying open, allowing God, or the universe to guide us, yet while no one is looking, I say the most terrible things to myself (annddd my eyes just welled up typing that). I have literally said to myself in the past 2 weeks: No wonder no one loves me, I barely love myself. << and this moment I literally sat there questioning my 5 years (yes FIVE) of singledom and being like: HAVE I DONE NOTHING to heal myself?! Yet, I know for a fact, I am not the same person today that I was even 2yr ago, so Yes, I have learned and grown.. but why can’t I see it lately? And if my thoughts are truly this low, am I even capable of creating or attracting positivity again? Is this why I find myself “struggling” so much lately?

And then like all things.. last night, actually.. eyes wide open, I thought: “How long has this been going on?” I definitely know it’s been a while, I’ve kept these negative thoughts in my brain for years.. and I always notice when I am able to shift the perspective because life does in fact change. It feels safer, I do feel hopeful in those moments. They just don’t seem to stick lately. It’s been years since I’ve had a moment like this… last time I was 20-something, and I was literally looking in a mirror at like 3am and saying to myself: “This is not what I want my life to be like.” Granted, those days and “failures” are much different than today’s lol, so I shouldn’t really compare the two, but the feeling hits just as hard. It’s the realization of: “I’m doing this to myself.” << which again is not exactly positive self-talk, and here we are.

I guess my point in all this is – Its ok to find yourself at a crossroads, to question your motives, rediscover your reality, as often as you need to. I just hope we all use these moments to reflect and actually make change. Because although we cannot control what happens TO US, we can control how we react and any actions we take. Self-reflection is uncomfortable, I know a lot of people who don’t, or can’t do this. It forces us to remember our weaknesses, who wants that?! But it is also a catalyst for growth. And no matter what you believe, I think one thing we can agree on is that, most fullfilment comes from growth and change.

So if y’all are struggling out there similarly, know you are never alone. Even if it’s only me who seems to understand this, it’s more than 0. We can be the <1% together. And I hope for you, as I do for myself, that we are able to dig ourselves back to hope – like for reals – and believe it. Believe that we are worthy of good. We are the only ones who can change our minds.

till next time.. ❤

4.14

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I literally had a whole post about emotions and heartache, and I saved the draft. I stopped bc I realized, what am I even trying to accomplish here? Share my thoughts? My emotions?

It’s a gloomy, rainy day today, and the slowdown is much appreciated, especially for my writing. My saved piece talked about my acceptance of “caring too much” and learning that it is not a weakness. It talked about the hurt I’m feeling at the moment – and that’s where I stopped. Because, I literally said out loud – why am I assuming this is a closed chapter? Pages are still in the works, changes can still be made at any given moment. There are drafts still in the editors box. And while the chapter could essentially close tomorrow, it is still not complete.

I’ve had so many ideas this past month on a new post, and sadly didn’t note them down, but I think today my goal for myself, and whoever reads this, is to remind you that although situations may feel difficult, hurtful even, or confusing, it doesn’t mean its over. And while that may sound like there is more to wade through, I mean it more as a moment of hope in that clarity will come, or the outcome you hoped for has even bigger plans.

There is a fine line of beginnings and endings, and sometimes I wonder if things really end, or if the story just changes. Like, I have a big move coming up, and how I feel about this, is similar on how I felt as I was grieving death these past few years. When someone leaves, nothing really changes – time still moves, people are still waking up, going to work, doing all the things. Nothing ended, maybe only the presence of that person, but still, sometimes even that presence remains. So in this move I am preparing for, I thought about the village where I spend the majority of my days in, the beach, and my walks/runs. None of this will change when I leave – life will continue on. New locals will emerge at the cafe, a new person will occupy “my seat” at the local bar, and the story of the village will continue – better yet, so will mine. They just become two different stories now, the ven diagram of stories expands – like a spin off series if you will. Just another new beginning versus viewing something as an ending.

So these emotions I am moving through do not necessarily mean an end and a beginning, but maybe just an edit in the story. And as the quote above indicates, even edits just create a new idea in the storyline. As this thought continues to ruminate in my brain, honestly I found a little hope. Amazing what tippy-tapping on a screen can do for morale, lol.

If you spent time on this little brain spew, I hope you found some hope too. If something is going on that may feel confusing or if you’re struggling with “ending” and “beginning” maybe reframing it as a new story or an edit helps. Now, as we know, I still hold strong with letting things go that no longer serve you – and maybe even if that is the case, and something must be “let go”, the feeling doesn’t need to feel so hard. It can be softer, it may not alleviate the pain or hurt overnight, but can help recreate your vision of tomorrow, and create openness for you to welcome your new story. ❤

(I did not edit this before posting, so no grammar judging, lol)

till next time, xoxo

tis the Birthday season

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

oof – last post in Nov? And I feel like it could have been better, lol

Well, for those who have been on this weird writing journey with me you hopefully know that time it is.. BIRTHDAY TIMEEEEEE. lol. From January until like June? lol its Birthday Season for me and my friends. Now, I don’t celebrate with some now, so the season may be a little shorter these days or sporadic? is maybe a better description? Because I have people I love in Jan, Feb, Mar, April, June, and July then the majority of my babies (and my Brother) are Oct, with baby Jojo closin’ out on Nov 2nd. So maybe I’ve been thinking about this all wrong? Although the majority of celebrations happen within the first half of the year, I truly celebrate all year long. whoop!

I started this post with my usual intention of talking about: Every day is a New Beginning, Be present, Live in the moment, and here I am, sidetracking bc I’m amazed that I have people I love almost every month of the year lol.

Anywhooo this year, like the past two years, feels different. My normal Birthday season involves a literal celebration every weekend of Feb with increased social media posts on positivity and magic, and being an independent, strong, wild, woman. Past two years however, everything from surviving a plague, to multiple deaths, to huge career changes have occured. It’s all come with many highs and many lows, but the lows hit a little harder. Maybe because I’ve never been good with death. I’ve been trying to grasp death since HS when a good friend of mine died in a car accident. Then another good friend died in college from cancer. Times where you don’t quite imagine having anyone die so young. And now in adult-adult life, it begins to feel even more surreal if that’s even possible. I think it’s because as an adult who survived their 20s, every day that comes is another day closer to the inevitable. And as we get older, death is more prevalent, from hearing about people you went to HS with, to their parents, siblings, etc. Because death is more common as we age, it starts to become more than just an idea, but a reality.

And don’t worry, I’ll turn this mood around, lol – but the past two years of this mental and emotional cloud of losing 5 people in two years, has challenged me in more ways than I imagined. I thought it would just refresh my perspective, start living in the moment, be more grateful, etc.. But no. It actually made me more scared. Scared of tomorrow. Scared of possibly no tomorrow. Scared of taking risks. Scared of living bc of the fragility that surrounds life. All of which is complete opposite of what death should teach us. Or is it?

Maybe we should be scared. I looked up my first blog I ever posted. And it was about: Doing something everyday that scares you. And we’ve come full circle here kids. And if we wanna get technical, being Afraid is probably more grammatically correct, lol but either way, as Natalie Babbitt wrote in Tuck Everlasting, “Don’t be afraid of death; be afraid of an unlived life. You don’t have to live forever, you just have to live.”

It’s not death I think that is now the scary part. I think it’s more the fear that I will not be able to do all the things I hope, and wish, and strive, to do. Because if you’ve read any of my stuff, gratefulness oozes through the screen, adventure, wild thoughts, controversial ideas, and sometimes, I’ll even admit, toxic positivity, lol. But I DO truly believe things happen for reason – not A reason, but reason. There was a video I watched earlier today about a woman who lost one of her twins during birth. And she explains the idea of reason well, with regard that no matter what you believe, you just have to believe in something bigger, especially when death or tragedy occur. Because one moment (big or small) changes the trajectory of all that comes after. And she beautifully described how her son is at 7yr old now to explain her point.

I guess what I’m getting to here is, grief is hard. And it’s never the same as anyone or any situation. It’s as diverse as snowflakes and stars. It changes your life for good, for bad, or whatever mixture the two values create. But it changes you and your world. Personally, I feel as grief has changed me more on the good bc I love so much harder, and give more than I physically can now. Whitney Hanson has a beautiful poem about loving people who know grief and says people who know grief, know that, “everyone and everything you love will disappear one day” which is why said people who know grief should not be let go of. We know, how fragile life is, and maybe that’s why I have always known. I’ve literally been grieving most my life. I’ve felt pain like this since I was 16 and questioned so many things as the years go by. But I also love and care harder than most people I know. There are so many nights I’ve cried and prayed so hard to stop caring about “things I shouldn’t.” When now, I realize it’s just who I am bc I know nothing is permanent. I’m scared, so I care.

Well this came back around not in a way I had expected, which means my other ideas of Love and New Beginning will be expressed closer to Feb, which I guess makes sense being the Hallmark Month of Love. And maybe by then, I WILL feel a little more celebratory and hopeful. But until then, let me share that beautiful poem I mentioned above, and I hope anyone who has felt grief, or is feeling this now, that this little grief dump of a post, helped free a few of your emotions.

till next time, stay scared – the good kind ❤

another day, another thing to let go of

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

(note: i was having troubles saving drafts today, so apologies in advance for any grammatical mishaps in this post, lol)

My favorite time of the year is here.

And you may be thinking – oh the Holidays! Well, sort of. lol. Thanksgiving IS my favorite Holiday of the year, (second to my Birthday of course, lol) But this time of year is my favorite, more because we are getting into the sentiment, conversation, and ideas, of New Beginnings, letting things go, and leaving things in 2023 (or any prior year for that matter.

I’ve blogged about this before, but in new light, I lost my father this past Sunday, and the relationship was complicated. Although I will not be diving into that, as grieving is different for everyone, but I mention this, as it adds to the spirit of New Beginnings. Another chapter of my life has closed, and at the same time, the growth of this year has felt quite expansive. I feel that it prepared me for this moment. With that, it gives me more appreciation and gratitude as we move into this season of giving, tradition, and “family”.

Most of my “family” as you know, is chosen. And this year, this week even, has reminded me how important “our people” are. I don’t quite enjoy the general public, lol, and acquaintances and casual friends are nice to have, and needed for a sense of community, but our core “family” is really what gives us meaning. The time and conversations I spend with my best friend, (who is WAY more than just a best friend compared to what the name itself is defined as) are not of Wednesday energy. Every moment with her is a Friday or Saturday night – even on a Wednesday ❤ (now the explanation of that analogy may have to wait for another day, bc the whole concept of finding your Wednesday person is just so wonderful to me). Point here is, no matter where your life takes you, be very conscious of who you keep close, as these people are closely tied to your rise and fall.

In that same intention, every year, honestly, every day even, is an opportunity to allow yourself to reevaluate what is in front of you in the present, and also what is ahead of you. What is imperative to bring you joy, love, support and motivation even, to guide you on that path? Don’t worry, I didn’t forget about yesterday, lol. You can’t change the past, so no need to reevaluate that, but make a note on who was, or was NOT there in your rise(s) and fall(s). Does that need to change? Or are these relationships deserving of more nurturing and growth?

Any death makes these questions easier to answer. However, I’ve mentioned time and time again on this blog, that we need to be better about having these moments outside of extreme experiences. Your Wednesdays matter. The plain, “normal”, simple days – not just the thrill ride of Saturdays or big life moments.

To put a bow on this post, let’s bring it back to my favorite time of year. I get to look at how far I’ve come, and anticipate what is ahead. With the closing of any chapter, brings new pages to create. And I am excited, hopeful, and very much grateful for the experiences this year has given me, and more importantly, the people I have gathered, kept, and graciously let go of. I hope for all of you readers, you are able to find peace, in once again releasing what is not meant for you, and in turn allowing what IS meant to be. Sometimes it’s harder to accept what the universe is trying to give us, versus letting go. It always feels easier to let go of what does not fill our souls, however, to trust what does light a fire within us, for some reason, is difficult for most << and that’s a whole post in itself, lol.

So cheers to you all. And if you are celebrating Thanksgiving this week, however you celebrate, I hope it is within the spirit and intent of gratefulness, and brings you to a place of balance where you can let go of what no longer serves you, and open your arms to what will. ❤

p.s. gotta remind y’all, especially during the holidays – remember “family” does not mean blood, “family” is your people, wherever they are from, of whom you trust, and trust you. Family is also those who love you not in spite of your flaws, but because of of them. They love you for just existing and being a positive part of their lives, not bc of any obligation.

p.p.s my last reminder for the holidays: No is still a full sentence, and an appropriate answer, xoxo

Maybe these Eclipses are for reals

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Not sure if many of you are aware, but I am an avid science nerd. I love the planets, and stars, and movements in the ether. And I truly believe God created all things with purpose. The Moon affects the tides, and I don’t believe that’s just coincidence. So I do believe our Universe and the Heavens affect our being. “If the Stars were made to Worship, so will I”

That little prologue brings me to today. Therapy was very much needed yesterday after a tough week. It was quite an emotional rollercoaster. My last connection to CA (and my best friend) is moving east on a new adventure. And my soul-sister just found out she got a promotion. In between that, I’m home, fighting with my Landlord about painters who gave me an eye roll bc I did not know how to speak Español (and of course couldn’t explain that I was not offending their ancestors, but that I am, in fact, of Asian-American decent. *now I AM eye rolling) ANYWAY, on top of this, it seems I have fallen into crush mode for someone I shouldn’t right now, and I just got back from a 2-week work/play hiatus that was more work-travel than play.

Needless to say, the past month has been busy all around. And yesterdays conversation consisted of me crying about: I am officially alone – all these things are happening AROUND me, but not TO me. I did NOT want to be the last one left in CA. What am I supposed to do with myself for the next 9-mo?! There is nothing left for me here, other than the ocean.

And my therapist said something to me, that I don’t think she’s ever said: “Well maybe you aren’t supposed to DO anything right now – maybe this is your time to wait it out. Sit, be still, and LET it all happen around you.” And not that I haven’t heard those words ever, but she also said: “You are a DO-er, you’re constantly moving, making things happen, this can be a time to rest. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you like this, questioning, and frustrated. YOU know it’s OK, NOT to be ok.” And there, she isn’t wrong. I AM constantly moving and shaking, and not sleeping, and taking in every tiny breath life has to offer. We also talked about my control issues, and this is where it’s hardest for me to “rest”. Because to me, if so much is happening around me, I MUST be doing SOMETHING – bc I can’t let life control ME.. Additionally, she made a valid point in that I have been working on myself for close to 9 years now, always DOING something in the name of emotional and mental progress, and where I am, may be a crossroads. We talked about why I moved to CA in the first place and what I got out of it. And her conclusion to that part of the conversation was: “Sounds like you did everything you were set out to do. Maybe this is closed chapter. Maybe it IS time for change, even sooner than later.”

I live for others, and rarely let myself be sad. And right now, I am sad. I am sad that nothing is happening for me, right now. I am sad that I feel lonely, and if one y’all tell me me.. oh stoppp you’re not ALONE. imma tell you to throw yourself in the ocean, bc at this moment, the loneliness is unbearable. I know I’m not ALONE. but being alone is different from feeling lonely. The things and people that are important to me, feel so far away. And I have come to realize there is not one person out there who puts me into their equation of choices in life. While I’m sitting here, being like well, if I move here, what will happen to Sally!? (I don’t have a Sally in my life, lol, just an example) So no, you don’t understand how I feel, bc you are not me, nor have experienced the life I have lived. I digress, my point is that I’m trying to let myself be sad. Sometimes, even though there is something good in a day, the day is still not good. And that is ok.

Which brings us back to Eclipses – Eclipse season in the world of Spirituality is a time of milestones and change. Many aspects of life and emotion “end” allowing New Beginnings to unfold. And with this final Eclipse in Taurus this weekend, another theme that has been constant is the allowance of the universe to unfold around you, and have clear eyes once the dust settles. I.e. New Beginnings.

So maybe I am in the middle of some turbulence which is causing this emotional distress. I want to believe there is something on the other side, and that I will move out of this loneliness era and finally feel like I am a part of something. Anything. I’ll even take a book club at this point. lol

Per usual, this was a mini-rant that was all over the place, but to conclude my thoughts: If anyone else out there is feeling similarly stuck, or questioning a lot of things right now, let’s blame it on Eclipse Season. And next week, as we enter a new Era, I hope for everyone that the crumple of emotions flatten out, and you’re able to see a little more clearly what your scribble needed to become an art piece. ❤

much love to y’all out there, xoxo

unedited thoughts of late

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I feel like there has been a lot of letting go the past year or so.

Letting go of friendships, family, and I guess relationships in general. As well as the past, ideas, emotions, and other aspects of life and myself, that were holding me back from living. With letting go of people, comes the letting go of their presence and past connections. Connections, that no longer support me, serve me, or give me joy. << It’s the “no longer serve me” that is important here. I say this because, I lost two loved ones last year, and both their spirits still serve me and support me, and give me peace.

However, there are moments, (some times many moments) that happen daily, where we realize we have outgrown a situation, a person, a feeling. This year has been a big year of finding myself, and relearning not to be afraid of life. And no matter where the days have sent me, for me, it’s the people who kept me going. I used to be so proud of being independent, strong, singular. Me. I’m going to take care of myself. Me. Just me. This year I realized I need people, but differently than I thought. I’m not as strong as I thought I was. I don’t always want to be independent. There is a difference between independence and being alone. I just ended up alone. And not just alone, but lonely. << This right here, was very hard for me to admit, and it still is. I never want(ed) people thinking I’m needy, dramatic, or worse yet, thinking I’m faking it.

But recent events have reminded me that sometimes we are so focused on certain things, people, emotions even, that are just “available” and in front of us, that we put our effort into them. Because why not right? They are there ready for the taking. But rather, we should be taking a breath, find some sort of grounding, and remember the ones, and the feelings, that in fact, still serve us, and light our soul. A team Jeremiah vs Team Conrad, metaphor for life, if you will lol.

As much as I love flowers, it’s this example of what people actually offer me, that I need to carry with me as I navigate this life through the good and bad. Am I just getting tangible things from people or am I getting *moments*, substance beyond the day, that can surpass the heavens?

I guess my point in all this, that probably could have been stated in a sentence, lol, is that not all people or feelings will serve you. Keep close the ones, although not always in front of you everyday, that stand the test of time. Not bring back the past to you, but from wherever they begin, they can follow you to the end. Let go of what no longer serves you, let the hard emotions pass, and let these people help you understand the difference.

A Harvard study did find, that positive relationships keep us happier, healthier, and help us live longer. So be mindful of your village however large or small. I am blessed to have had certain people by my “side” the past few weeks, and they reminded me that it’s ok to let the others go. Honestly, some of these people surprised me, while others confirmed some thoughts I had. But in all, I will forever be grateful to those who continue to show up when I need them, and learning through them that it’s ok to outgrow the ones who don’t.

Take care of yourselves friends, and pay attention to those who are part of your universe not just those in your front yard.

till next time, cheers,

back to the beginning

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I have a lot on my mind, and not sure where to start, so I’ll just go with what I know – I’ve said it year after year, that we do not need New Years to actually have a New Beginning, New Beginnings happen all that time, everyday, on a random Tuesday in Aug. This year I’m taking that more to heart. Today is my Day 1. Christmas Day of all days I understand, but I’m alone again for Christmas this year, and thought what better day to start anything especially on a long weekend (for me). And I mean, if I wanna get technical, yesterday could have been my Day 1 – but you know when you just get that “ready” feeling? I felt it for today, so I’m giving Day 1 to Christmas.

Like many years, this has been one of highs and lows.. the biggest high for sure was work and career. A year ago today, I was crying in cafes, lol, studying, (yes even on Christmas) for one of the hardest exams I had to take. 2 months of studying and I finally passed it (on the 4th try!) Feb 4th. To see where I am now makes me wonder why I don’t have that same patience or compassion in my personal life.

Because from that moment on, I have been offered 3 leader roles (and taken 2) and I’m about to start that second promotion in the new year. I will admit, I have leaned heavily on my work life bc my personal life was questionable, at best, from the start of the year. On top of personal, emotional, and even physical criticisms, I lost many a loved one, a few acquaintances, and some local friends this year. Life and Death was on my mind constantly, and my anxiety was at all time highs this year.

Work kept me feeling stable. It was the one place of community where I was excelling and being appreciated on a daily basis. When each day would be over, I would turn around in my desk chair, and not know what to do with myself. For a couple of months I had a few goals, as I ran my first Half-marathon this year. 13.1 officially in the books. And as much as many people would congratulate me, and high-five, considering my time was a-ok for a first-timer, I was not happy with any of it. I was only happy the training was over. It makes me a little emotional just typing that out loud. I love(d) running – and I didn’t love any of that experience. Once that race was over I literally did nothing. Except work. And travel, obvs, lol. But my day-to-day was just eat, sleep, work, and visit the cafe and bar in the village, just to get myself out of the house.

And then one day, I woke up 10lbs heavier, and feeling emotionally drained. I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize the person on the other side. I was in denial. I didn’t want to believe I was just existing. There was no sparkle in my eye, pants kept getting tighter, and as a petite 5’2″, I was now officially the same pant size as my best friend who is about 5’7″ and has 2 kids. And honestly she looks better in them pants than I do bc she’s got the height, and is prob in better shape at this point bc its been about 2 months since I saw her pretty face. AND I know none of this should matter bc every bod, and every shape, blah, blah, blah – but for me, myself – I know when I’ve been at my happiest – and spoiler alert, it was NOT when I was a size 0 (yes there were a few times I was a size 0). I was probably more miserable then. I was happiest when I could just fit into my favorite outfits. And not struggle to tie my shoes or give myself a pedi bc my stomach is in the way, or struggle with yoga poses bc of said extra cushion – yes, I said it. And I stand by it. Because the one thing that I realized is, yall are right, it doesn’t matter what size, weight, etc.. we are, but it DOES matter when you have image issues and hate yourself every time you look in a mirror. It also matters when the vision of yourself restricts you from enjoying life. Not making plans because it means I have to find an outfit that doesn’t make me feel gross, denying dates bc #same, and turning my “wardrobe” into hoodies and jeans bc thats all that fits, and the hoodies can hide the tightness of my jeans.

This is just a moment of reflection on why we (especially myself this year) put so much energy and motivation into so many things except ourselves. I preach so often about self-care, and “you cant pour from an empty cup”, and here I am with no cup, and awful feelings towards myself.

Bringing this full circle – today is my Day 1. Had a nice little Christmas Eve last night, and a friend drove me home. I was a little against it, until I remembered I wanted to do my “annual” Christmas Day run, and I turned it into an adventure. I found it hilarious knowing that this year, I was just running from my house back to the village, to pick up my car this year, lol, but of course I took the scenic route on the esplanade to pull a full 2 miles. And my first run in 2.5 months (since my half-marathon) is done.

And now Day 1 of refocusing all that work energy into myself is here. I know I’m not going to love myself overnight, and I also know it took me 3.5 years to pass that stupid exam (again, took me 4 tries!). Even with those obstacles, I was never as hard on myself as I am with my personal life. If I can be diligent and hopeful in my career goals, no matter how long it took, I can do the same for myself. I would be lying to say: “success doesn’t happen overnight”. Although there is some truth in the statement, this year alone reminded me how much can change in a minute never mind a day, or a year. So as much as I want to see change in myself, I need to remember what the process was for my career. Because in every stage, from exam studying to my offers this year, I focused on what was in front of me, and allowed myself to be happy with the journey. Thats what I want for myself this year. To be focused on whats in front of me, what today is offering me, bc tomorrow it may be different. Every day truly is a New Beginning.

Day 1 can be any day – and if you get to a point in your life where you need to reevaluate, I hope yall remember you choose when your Day 1 is. It doesn’t have to be every Jan 1st, it doesn’t have to be Christmas, it just needs to be a day – a day you remember, that you choose, to change your situation – whether you have a cheering section or no. This day is for you, and you only.

Whether your year was similar to mine or better, hope yall have found some magic this Holiday Season,

Cheers to Day 1s – till next time..

i love elephants, and theres one in the room

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Its name is 2020. Need I say more?

Well, I’m gonna! Lol

I was thinking this morning and chatting with my roommate about the past year, and we discussed not only how crazy this year has been.. But more so, how much can change, in so “little” time. By little, I mean anything from 1 month, to an entire year. And yes, a year is a small amount of time in the big picture of life. As I approach 30-10 (yes I will use this for as long as I can, and be annoying about it and I don’t care, bc I am not part of those people above 39) One year seems so small now – I’ve started looking at life in, like, 5 year increments. Point is, we talked about last year – and the beginning of this year (before pandemic lockdowns) and we reminisced about when I moved in, in April. Literally within a month, I searched for a new home, got denied for my current place because someone was already getting background checked, then getting a call that it fell through, and the place is mine after all!

Fast forward and here we are, 7 months later, and I can’t believe it’s almost been a year. On top of life events, we also talked about relationships.. And as we approach another new year, I realized I have not done the same thing, or spent time with the same people 2 years in a row for New Years. I literally looked back at my socials and checked every New Years I celebrated since moving to SoCal, and the closest I got to spending time, or celebrating with the same people would be 2014 and 2016 (I think? I cant remember anymore, all I remember was there was a year gap in between) I spent New Years with one of my cousins and that group of friends. Then again 2018 and 2020, I celebrated with friends and one friend in particular was there both years. But even then, both events were very different and the people involved were even more different, aside from the one familiar face.

I don’t know if this is the same for all you reading, but my life in particular, clearly revolves around meeting new people all the time, creating new connections, friendships, and sadly weaning out those who no longer keep my soul on fire.

I even think back to a particular Birthday of a wonderful person, who I no longer really connect with anymore.. but I spent about $200 if I remember correctly, on this person for her Birthday. She never had a Spa/Massage experience, and I wanted to give that gift of experience for her. Some people thought I was a little crazy as I had only known this person maybe a year at this point, but we had gown closer the past couple months – and I distinctly remember saying something along the lines of: You never know what is going to happen tomorrow, I may never celebrate another Birthday with her again, so I’m taking advantage of time now, and just the mere fact that I can afford such gift, because THAT could be the change in coming years as well.

I also remember the faces of the people I said this to. I wish we could be constantly reminded of that idea, because literally within 3 months of that Birthday, I broke up with a mutual friend I was dating, tension arose, and then a separate issue of mis-communication happened.. and here we are no longer close, lol.

As I was thinking about these events this morning within my roommate chat, I somehow got so excited for tomorrow, I actually started to tear up. Because as much as the unknown scares me.. i.e. this is why I’m still single, (bc the thought of losing someone in a blink of an eye is scarier than knowing it could be forever) I ABSOLUTELY LOVE the idea and fact that anything is possible tomorrow.

And I know I have blogged about this in the past – but I think with all that has happened this year.. the excitement, and hope, and faith in the future is just emotional for me right now. Maybe because I just want to manifest so much for myself and those I love. Maybe because I’ve felt lonely for the first time, in a LONG time, and knowing the possibilities are endless in meeting new people or even reuniting with people from days before. And not that I’m saying going back to exes is ever a good idea, but truth be told, I have a handful of “loves lost” that are very good friends, and it’s wild to think back to the person I was then vs the person I am today.

That’s the thing with connections.. they are just THERE. You can’t quite explain it, the same way as when there ISN’T a connection. And sometimes, as we have read in all the clichéd quotes, sometimes, you meet people for a reason, a season, and whatever else comes next.. but you get my point.

As I start to think about how to close out this random-ass post, that I just decided to do because: 1) its literally been almost a year since my last post, and 2) we are headed into the season of giving and gratefulness – I guess I want to make sure ya’ll get something out of this.

So long story, a little longer – as I was looking at the past year, it was also a bit upsetting. This time last year, I was invited to go to Bali. This time last year I was booking hotel and airfare to Boston for one of my most favorite peoples wedding. 90% of 2019 was an adventure and I finally felt like I was learning who I was. I had posts going into December, then January (Birthday Season!), about how busy 2020 was already turning out to be. I planned a small Birthday outing because Europe 2020 was supposed to be the plan for the 30-10 celebration. Everything was cancelling from that point on.

But on a recent zoom meeting at work, first question was: how are you feeling? One of the next questions was about how to improve culture, and one of my favorite people made me rethink the year. She said (and I paraphrase here): Although its been a tough year, there was still SO MUCH good. We had people making babies, having babies, getting married, buying homes, getting engaged – and that was just people from work!

I thought about this personally, I ALSO had friends having babies, buying land and building homes, and making huge moves like I did at 31 to another state to see what else is out there in the world. There was good, lots of it. It was just hidden by the loud screams of society. And by screams, I mean the non-factual, negative, shouting from many different sides on many different issues. When it comes to important issues, its one thing to debate, argue even.. FACTS – but its another to just yell opinions with no basis of truth. If you know anything about me – I love facts! I love truth. Because whether we like it or not, facts and truths allow people to make decisions. And its nothing we can challenge. This is also why I love emotions – dem betches don’t lie.

Moving on, point of that last story share, is that all these small details, I assume are the reason for this newfound hope and optimism. Because there is still good no matter how bad anything seems. And to bridge all these points, its the people that help bring us there.

Look at who is around you, what’s that saying? You are who your closest 5 friends are.. (or whatever) Who are those people!? Are they good support systems? Do they challenge you? Is there anyone you have learned from? Should you reach out to them again if they fell of your life wagon? Is there someone you need to push OFF the wagon?! Are there people fueling your fire? Or are they stealing your heat to improve their own flame and leave you cold?

As we close out one of the most turbulent years most of us have ever experienced, remember its been proven that people and community are what keeps people happy and provide longevity. This is a great time, if you don’t already, to revisit wants and needs – and the people behind them. Because again, the only constant in life is change. And as scary as that is for me – mainly my fear of losing people – I do truly feel so good about what’s to come because life can change in a millisecond. I am choosing to view that as a positive, and I hope y’all absorb that energy in whatever aspect of your life needs it.

I will now leave you with my screenshot below where my message transcends people and describes all aspects of life, work, hobbies, etc.. ❤ Can’t wait for more of those conversations.

Cheers!

the most wonderful time of the year

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

It’s Birthdayyy Seasonnn! 🙂

I’m sure you newbies are wondering why the heck I enjoy ticking off another year of life off the tick-sheet, like it’s some kind of CELEBRATION?! Lmaooo well, another year, another New Beginning.

Birthday Season to me, as I know it is for others, is a time of reflection. Where were you this time last year? Where are you now? And not for anything, it doesn’t matter what happened or what you did. And this sounds cray coming from someone whose sole purpose in life is to travel and experience ALL THE THINGS. And I am so pumped of all the traveling and experiences I did/had the past year.

But what it really comes down to is.. Did you learn anything? About yourself, about others, about life? Anything? Did you at least learn what a good cup of coffee tastes like? Point is, I had a year of ups and downs almost as perfect as the dictionary can describe either action.

I started the first part of the year traveling, experiencing, feeling so free and determined, found passions in things, motivated to find a career with purpose. I struggled with a hint of heartache around May.. Then June happened.

Another loss in the family in the past 16mo. I didn’t talk about it much to you “outsiders” lol, but if you know anything about my family dynamic you understand. Losing my Nana last year was harder than ever expected, and this year was difficult in a different way. After having to be emotionally strong for others, I was off again traveling and experiencing things with no time to absorb the internal stress that was created. I know, white people problems, #sorrynotsorry.

Then mid-July came. I had already been struggling since June and been in therapy more than ever. That trip back “home” in June really took me to a place internally I never thought I’d have to deal with again. The resentment, anger, pain, other words that can’t nearly explain the emotional vomit that came flooding my insides. Through all this, I was still breaking my own heart thinking I could love someone enough to have them love me back (I know this is unrealistic and pathetic, stop judging). I shut my phone off for 2 weeks because the anxiety of seeing other people’s lives was actually painful.

Oh and the drinking – hahahaha I promise I don’t love drinking as much as I actually consumed during the summer months.

Depression set in. I barely got out of bed, except to drink, and work. Y’all are lucky if I showered. I was a complete and utter mess. Now mind you, I still trudged through life with a smile on my face, and did the only thing I know to do that makes me feel good. Give to others. Pep-talk? I’m there! Ride to the airport #obvi (I mean, I LOVE doing this anyway lol, lets be honest) Concert tickets? LETS DOOO THISSSS. Plane tickets?! I’ve given awayyyyy worseee.

And then fall and winter happened, and here we are! Lol, I know thats a huge zip through, but these past couple months started bringing the year into perspective.

I LEARNED:

1) It’s ok to not have a “good year” even though you still had MANY good things happen.

2) That although losses are difficult, whether in life, friendships, or relationships, those people and moments brought you here, and gave you understanding of something new.

3) People really do come and go as you need them. This pains my heart because I wish I could keep you all! But holding on too tight to anything: ropes, steering wheels, dog leashes, emotions.. lol, starts hurting more than letting go.

This is why I love Birthday Season, and join it with why I live by quotes – Someone, somewhere, has a way to put your emotions to words when you can’t.

They say (whoever they are) that “birthdays are good for your health.. people with more of them live longer.”

Sorry, lame joke, but for reals. This is why every year, every day, every moment, matters. We don’t know when our last day will be. All we know is now. So if you get another Birthday, CELEBRATE dammit! Hehehe

Reflect, learn, and be better. Not sure if you know this, but life isn’t a competition. What only matters is where each of us are going, and where our own paths lead us. Maybe thats why I love running, the only time to beat is what I ran last time. Me, my time.

Me, my life. You, your life.

Thankfully though, some of us will help and motivate each other through the next year. I love cheering at races and finish lines! I cry all sorts of happy tears, lol.

Be kind, celebrate yourselves, be present, and if you can, love, xoxo.

Cheers!

another anxiety post (unedited)

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I have such a hard time with people who don’t have the capacity to empathize with others, in this particular instance, I’m talking about mental illness. I don’t expect anyone to completely understand how this feels (unless they go through it themselves, of course, but even then, how it happens is different to everyone, and the outcomes are also different) but I always hope that the people around me are conscious enough to stay away from the obligatory: “But today is good right?” “Have you tried..” And the worse of them all, “It’s gonna be ok.”

4633179_4

Not that people in my situation don’t know that things will eventually be ok, but that does not help the situation if someone is currently in a struggle. You have no idea how much I appreciate people who don’t try and give me advice, or try and  “fix” my issues. Because no one can fix them, it’s a mental thing! I am the holder of my thoughts, and it is I, who is the one who can “fix” anything, if there is anything that needs fixing, that is. But to those who listen, and talk through things, and share experiences themselves, no matter how relatable or not.. THOSE are my people. In life, we will never be able to save everyone, I learned that the hard way. But we can support, and accept, and LISTEN.

It took me a long time to realize that no one could “help” me. I kept thinking a boyfriend, or my friends, my Dr’s, my Therapist, were there to make this better and “fix” it. It was, not scary per say, but maybe.. no, it was a little scary, lol, but also enlightening to know I was the holder of my emotions, and that no one but myself can make me “better”. Not that others can’t help in other ways, but to assume an outside being was going to “save” me, that’s just pure cray, cray.

A wonderful person in my life talked me through and reminded me of all the good that happened this year because I was focusing so much on the downside, as this was a very difficult year emotionally. Lots of therapy, lots of anxiety, lots of depression, lots of loneliness. I did appreciate the talk, but also didn’t know how to vocalize that I know I am overly blessed. I know all the good, all the travel and amazing trips I went on this year, all the moments with my babies and watching them grow. Trust me, I know. I experienced them, I was there, lol. But thats the thing with mental illness, it pokes at the positives. I literally feel like I have a devil and an angel on my shoulders. There are days I have literally yelled (in my brain and even vocally) NOT TODAY SATAN!!

Over the weekend, I had another, lets call it.. episode. Doing something completely normal no less, and what I would consider an ideal situation. I was doing laundry on Saturday, and was pumped to find the laundromat empty with only about 3 people doing laundry. YES! Two of them were finishing up, and I had the place just about to myself.

When I started finishing up, the last person there had gone off, and it was wonderful and quiet, I live for these laundry days! UNTIL, out of nowhere, I became panicked. Any other day this moment was a moment of celebration, so I was yelling at my brain like, “The fuck bruh, why you stressin?!” And in the moments following, I had the biggest bout of anxiety with a fear that someone was going to come and try and steal me (for those who know anything about me, this is a normal, yet strange, fear of mine, lol – but it has never really created panic, its just been a thing I know about myself).

Anyway, I started rushing, kept breathing, focusing on my breath, I could feel my heart beating, I kept telling myself I’m fine.. and then RAN OUT OF THERE.

This, people, this is a snippet of what anxiety is all about. It is unexplainable to the masses, and many people think you’re cray. Like how do you explain this completely irrational moment to someone without feeling like an idiot?! Because I know the emotion is ridiculous, but I can’t always control it. And when things like this happen, I feel bad for myself, and sometimes end up in depression. I could barely get out of bed the next 38hrs. I do try and force myself out, to do an errand or two, but always end up home, and feeling trapped.

The night of this incident, I unexpectedly caught up with an old friend from college, and he said to me: “Wow, I never thought you had issues or anxiety over anything, you’re always so positive.” I laughed and said, “Yah, I’m that PSA where they say it’s “always the happy one, the funny one, the positive one.” But he actually had a hard time grasping that I, the positive one could feel and understand his issues so well. I never said this, but wanted to say, “Well, THAT’S HOW I understand so much!”

every-moment-is-a-new-beginning-quote-1

This blog has turned from emotional venting, to relationship venting, (those posts always make me smile, lol) to dealing with anxiety. I guess it makes a little sense because life evolves, and just as this blog was intended, every moment of our lives is a new beginning, so it only makes sense that content also evolves.

But one thing will never change: Every moment literally is a New Beginning. And just like every moment of crippling anxiety, I have to remind myself, tomorrow can be, and will be different. This is why New Years is just a reason to party for me. So many times in life has a New Beginning not come on January 1st. Moving to SoCal is one of those moments, getting a new job is another. We don’t wait around and start our lives in January, so why the build up?

Anyway, I digress.. point of today was to share a story, to help maybe provide some more insight in the world of what people like me go through. Maybe this helps someone who thinks they are equally cray, I gotchu.

In a world trying to grow a culture of acceptance, remember those who do not show their illnesses, those who are embarrassed of their “problems”, those who don’t know how to explain what is going on. Be kind, be supportive, and sometimes, just be there.

Stay kind my friends, xoxo

❤