Tag: thoughts

new beginning or just a new mindset?

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I guess it’s timely that I am trying to add a blog post at the end of January. I’m pretty predictable when the New Year rolls around.. and more so, February. I will say though, most of what’s on my mind right now, isn’t related to New Beginnings. Or maybe I’m just not seeing it that way.

Per usual, I am word vomiting something I am feeling in case any one of you out there might feel or possibly experience the same. There’s a spiritual page I love on IG but don’t follow, or like posts, for a reason. I want to believe that if this person shows up on my feed it’s meant to be. With a lot of spiritual people out there, you never know if the messages are based on truth or views. And I will say, the average “likes” are around 5k. For a verified account in this current-day social media state, that isn’t a lot, but also 5k people thinking this message is for them, might make it unrealistic for me? And then I think – there are 8 billion people in the world.. 5, even 6k people isn’t even 1% of the population. So in a realistic sense. I’m sure a couple of people in every country are experiencing similar situations like divorce, grief, happiness, etc.. so I want to believe these people are meant to see the message that day also and we are healing or thriving together. One fact in life is that although we do not experience anything the same way, there are always similarities, and sharing those experiences helps us learn different ways of understanding said situation. I, for one, love a good perspective I may not have thought of.

So, who out there has ever had a moment of self-reflection and realized.. OMG. TSwift was right, IM THE PROBLEM, ITS ME. Not that I think I’m a problem per se, but I had a moment of: OMG. I am NOT as positive as my outside self shows to people. Last weekend, in the 11th hour, I booked a flight to see my bestie on the eastie, lol. And her mom-self was in shock and surprise when she learned that I negative self talk… ALL THE TIME. Even as recent as that moment getting picked up from the airport, I was “confirming” thoughts in my head. It was a weekend very much needed, and we came out with a new mantra since the last one we thought of: Life is too short not be f*cking excited!

This “new” mantra is more calming, lol. It started with me, on the plane, reminding myself that life changes literally every moment. The past 3 years have been the best and worst reality check of that. Whether that’s death, a new job, a new person, a car accident, weather canceling an appointment… Big or small, there are moments that change the trajectory of our lives constantly. And I recall a post from my blogs-past – me talking about how: tomorrow your life can change, and it is the most exciting, yet scary thing to really realize. Because people break up, people die, people get injured, people lose jobs, natural disasters happen.. lots of scary things. Yet at the same time, in these same moments, people also fall in love, finally have the baby they’ve been trying 8yr for, get new jobs, win the lottery, move across the country…

The reality is, knowing that life can change any moment, we can either be scared or hopeful. There is so much possibility even in the next 10min. And if we’re trying to focus on the positive here, with any hardship, there is always a small light, no matter how hard it is to see. So I explained to my bestie, that I have been saying to myself the entire flight here: “Stay Hopeful not Scared.” We talked about this concept almost all weekend – she’s a saint I tell you ❤ And in one wonderful moment, she says to me – “how about we make this even more simple: I am Hopeful. Make it an affirmation. I’m not trying to be, I want to be, I am.” Her additional rationale on this is, even though the second part is NOT Scared, the last word I’m saying is still: Scared. And just like telling a 5yr old NOT to run, all they hear is the RUN.

So in this, we started saying: I am Hopeful. I’ve been saying it a lot. But I’m having a hard time with it honestly. I did get one of my associates at work to jump on this Hopeful bandwagon, and I can only imagine they too, might be having a hard time believing it also. And this here is where my sad, eye opening moment from this current weekend came from. I say positive things all the time – been challenged as a “toxic positivity” person even. And this weekend I thought: “I’m a fraud!” LOL. Seriously though, I talk such a game of staying open, allowing God, or the universe to guide us, yet while no one is looking, I say the most terrible things to myself (annddd my eyes just welled up typing that). I have literally said to myself in the past 2 weeks: No wonder no one loves me, I barely love myself. << and this moment I literally sat there questioning my 5 years (yes FIVE) of singledom and being like: HAVE I DONE NOTHING to heal myself?! Yet, I know for a fact, I am not the same person today that I was even 2yr ago, so Yes, I have learned and grown.. but why can’t I see it lately? And if my thoughts are truly this low, am I even capable of creating or attracting positivity again? Is this why I find myself “struggling” so much lately?

And then like all things.. last night, actually.. eyes wide open, I thought: “How long has this been going on?” I definitely know it’s been a while, I’ve kept these negative thoughts in my brain for years.. and I always notice when I am able to shift the perspective because life does in fact change. It feels safer, I do feel hopeful in those moments. They just don’t seem to stick lately. It’s been years since I’ve had a moment like this… last time I was 20-something, and I was literally looking in a mirror at like 3am and saying to myself: “This is not what I want my life to be like.” Granted, those days and “failures” are much different than today’s lol, so I shouldn’t really compare the two, but the feeling hits just as hard. It’s the realization of: “I’m doing this to myself.” << which again is not exactly positive self-talk, and here we are.

I guess my point in all this is – Its ok to find yourself at a crossroads, to question your motives, rediscover your reality, as often as you need to. I just hope we all use these moments to reflect and actually make change. Because although we cannot control what happens TO US, we can control how we react and any actions we take. Self-reflection is uncomfortable, I know a lot of people who don’t, or can’t do this. It forces us to remember our weaknesses, who wants that?! But it is also a catalyst for growth. And no matter what you believe, I think one thing we can agree on is that, most fullfilment comes from growth and change.

So if y’all are struggling out there similarly, know you are never alone. Even if it’s only me who seems to understand this, it’s more than 0. We can be the <1% together. And I hope for you, as I do for myself, that we are able to dig ourselves back to hope – like for reals – and believe it. Believe that we are worthy of good. We are the only ones who can change our minds.

till next time.. ❤

Have we talked about the little things?

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Whoop! its a double whammy weekend! You all are blessed with back-to-back posts! Who even am I right now!? lol

Idk what it is, maybe Mercury heading into the microwave again!? But by 8:20am PST on a Sunday, I was reminded how important the little things are.

From driving to Hermosa for breakfast then getting my Bees Knees from HiFi – every small moment hit me, in not all the good ways, lol. I mean, the realizations aren’t bad.. for example – as I am driving, I am thinking about finding new local spots in TX.. and then having a moment of, well, when I moved to SoCal, I felt the same way. I only “like” these places bc they are somewhat comfortable. And I say somewhat, bc it’s more the people – and a person forgot to tell me schedules had changed. So I drove for no reason if you will, bc I can get a better experience 3min from my current apartment.

Now I will say that, this normally wouldn’t bother me as much as it did bc whatever, stuff happens all the time. But I think in this moment it was just reminding me that people matter, not necessarily the places. Bc then I head back towards home, and stop by my local coffee shop since caffeine is needed on this packing day.. and I realize who’s working. And to clarify, these people aren’t terrible, lol, but I am in need of a certain experience today especially after having a misstep already this morning. So when I didn’t see “my people” I walked out and went across the street to a cafe where I know no one. And as simple as this situation may seem, it made a difference. My coffee is bomb, and it actually put a smile on my face bc the latte art is always on point there too. And then I started thinking.. why am I trying so hard to accept the mediocre? Why am I trying to do things a certain way, or only go to certain places bc I’m leaving? These people don’t care! lol I mean, ok there’s prob a small moment of awww – you were a great local, but other than that, these people be living their lives without me.

All together, as I got back in my car and headed “home” I just felt like I had to remind myself: This chapter is closing, stop trying to hold on to things that essentially, don’t matter. Bc just like this morning experience, I have dealt with these let downs so many times, but I felt they were just small inconveniences. When now looking at the big picture, they should have been signs of how inadequate living in the SoBay has actually been for me, especially the last couple of years. No wonder I’ve felt lonely. No wonder I never felt like a part of something. I was holding on to the big moments and orchestrated nights out. Holding on to when people came to visit and I could show them the “good parts”.

I have no regrets on how long I stayed here, the last year alone allowed me to meet one of my favorite people, and honestly, depending on what you believe in, I coulda met them anyway in some other way! lol. But these small things are hitting me more now. It’s like when you are finally in a good place after a bad breakup and you see things so clearly now, and wonder how you missed all the red flags. All those little things.

Brings me back to that conversation with my best friend – Its about the Wednesday nights. The small, “insignificant”, moments, that you think don’t matter.. they matter so much more than we realize.

And maybe I was so inclined to write this today (more like vent, to be honest, lol) on a whim, bc you know how much I love to remind y’all about these things! And like most epiphanies, I can’t be the only one with open eyes having these moments, and looking for reassurance. So if this helps any of you see things a little differently, or helps with a decision, or just a reminder to never go a day with bad coffee ever again, lol, then my job is done ❤

cheers, xoxo

To New Beginnings – Again!

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

12 years ago come October, I moved across the country from Boston to the LA area with $3k in my pocket. I remember thinking: “What if I don’t make it in SoCal?!” And here we are, with what will be 11years and (9days shy of) 11months – I made it, and I’m doing it again lol.

I posted a reel on my IG about a week ago of a preacher speaking about those who play the victim in problems that they created. It resonated with me on so many levels especially the last 10 seconds: “Spend more time with people with whom you have a common future instead of a common past.” Yes, Amen!

And although the message really feeds into those who pull you down and try to create a stronghold on your choices, as well as toxic energy, I want to focus on the common future to common past. In the almost 12years I spent in CA, I was not able to create a community of friends or family. From where I stand now, I have one good friend left here in CA, and that friendship just blossomed in the past year. Always happens that way doesn’t it?! Lol. As the years went by, I kept thinking I found more people to add to my future, but in reality, most “friends” I met, only lasted a year or 3 – tops.

And as I turned the page to 2024, I realized how lonely CA had become for me. The people, and old friends, that I had known my whole life, including “family”, were no longer part of my daily, or weekly, or even monthly life, and my “friends” were rotating on an annual basis. I was finding more life in traveling just to see my good friends out of state, and vice versa. I found myself coming back to two realizations that I have blogged on before: : 1) just because you have known someone your whole life or are blood related, does not, by any means, mean they are meant to be in your every day life going forward. And 2) you meet people everyday, and even though initial connections do happen, it doesn’t mean all people you meet will become an integral part of your life either. I will be living by that mantra going forward of: “Spend more time with people with whom you have a common future instead of a common past.” As we have all learned, the past does nothing for us. It does not change, it holds us stagnant, even as recent as Yesterday. We forget that yesterday is part of the past. Today can change, tomorrow can definitely change. And the people in each of these parts of our lives hold the same energy. Stagnation, manipulation, holding you back – or hope, promise, opportunity, and experiences.

So as I begin packing, and feeling all sorts of sentimental, I think of why this decision is the right one for now. The people. Now, I of course have some people who have been in my life for years that are still by my side, but there are many who have been around that I am so happy to move on from. This new beginning is beyond the physical nature of people but more so mental and emotional ties that I am excited to release. And on the other side, those I have met in these past 12years in CA, that I have created solid relationships with (all of 3 people lol, and only one that’s left here) – I am fairly confident they will stay with me through this new adventure as well.

It’s that common future – I freakin LOVE that! Who in your life is adding to your FUTURE? Isn’t that a great thought to entertain? To know you have, even if just one person, to create life with. To share in successes, to be there when you don’t know your left pinky from your right knee. To laugh with you, and even better, to cry with you. To talk you out of negative thoughts and to raise you up, and be your hype-person. I love that “common future” concept so much – those people are your people. And let’s be clear for those who might read this literally – common future doesn’t mean you’re doing the same things together forever. My most favorite person in the whole, wide, world, lives on the other side of the country. She built a beautiful home in the woods, and created two of my most favorite, beautiful children – while I’m out here happy to rent and pay HOA fees for amenities, and being childless and constantly on a travel high, LOL. Two different lives that move, and grow, and create, together. It’s loyalty, it’s trust. It’s understanding dreams and aspirations and turning “differences” into bows tied with different colored string <3. Common future does not mean “same”. Common future is moving and progressing forward together, it’s constantly creating something new between each other.

In simple terms, anyone can be in your life, but the ones that hold value are the ones that continue to grow and change with you #future. Anyone can show up, or linger even, but if they are moving in a different direction, supporting your journey will be difficult.

So think about your “common future” people – continue to nurture those relationships, and be ok with making space or letting go of common past. You aren’t there anymore, you are here, today. I am so excited to have a handful of people growing with me, who never think I’m crazy for these moves and decisions, but see it as thriving and creating, and even finding possibility in their own lives, just as I do when they make changes or big decisions.

So let’s stay present and hopeful for tomorrow. And remember that you are who you surround yourself with, so make sure y’all at least have the same map on this journey.

till next time, xoxo

4.14

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I literally had a whole post about emotions and heartache, and I saved the draft. I stopped bc I realized, what am I even trying to accomplish here? Share my thoughts? My emotions?

It’s a gloomy, rainy day today, and the slowdown is much appreciated, especially for my writing. My saved piece talked about my acceptance of “caring too much” and learning that it is not a weakness. It talked about the hurt I’m feeling at the moment – and that’s where I stopped. Because, I literally said out loud – why am I assuming this is a closed chapter? Pages are still in the works, changes can still be made at any given moment. There are drafts still in the editors box. And while the chapter could essentially close tomorrow, it is still not complete.

I’ve had so many ideas this past month on a new post, and sadly didn’t note them down, but I think today my goal for myself, and whoever reads this, is to remind you that although situations may feel difficult, hurtful even, or confusing, it doesn’t mean its over. And while that may sound like there is more to wade through, I mean it more as a moment of hope in that clarity will come, or the outcome you hoped for has even bigger plans.

There is a fine line of beginnings and endings, and sometimes I wonder if things really end, or if the story just changes. Like, I have a big move coming up, and how I feel about this, is similar on how I felt as I was grieving death these past few years. When someone leaves, nothing really changes – time still moves, people are still waking up, going to work, doing all the things. Nothing ended, maybe only the presence of that person, but still, sometimes even that presence remains. So in this move I am preparing for, I thought about the village where I spend the majority of my days in, the beach, and my walks/runs. None of this will change when I leave – life will continue on. New locals will emerge at the cafe, a new person will occupy “my seat” at the local bar, and the story of the village will continue – better yet, so will mine. They just become two different stories now, the ven diagram of stories expands – like a spin off series if you will. Just another new beginning versus viewing something as an ending.

So these emotions I am moving through do not necessarily mean an end and a beginning, but maybe just an edit in the story. And as the quote above indicates, even edits just create a new idea in the storyline. As this thought continues to ruminate in my brain, honestly I found a little hope. Amazing what tippy-tapping on a screen can do for morale, lol.

If you spent time on this little brain spew, I hope you found some hope too. If something is going on that may feel confusing or if you’re struggling with “ending” and “beginning” maybe reframing it as a new story or an edit helps. Now, as we know, I still hold strong with letting things go that no longer serve you – and maybe even if that is the case, and something must be “let go”, the feeling doesn’t need to feel so hard. It can be softer, it may not alleviate the pain or hurt overnight, but can help recreate your vision of tomorrow, and create openness for you to welcome your new story. ❤

(I did not edit this before posting, so no grammar judging, lol)

till next time, xoxo

tis the Birthday season

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

oof – last post in Nov? And I feel like it could have been better, lol

Well, for those who have been on this weird writing journey with me you hopefully know that time it is.. BIRTHDAY TIMEEEEEE. lol. From January until like June? lol its Birthday Season for me and my friends. Now, I don’t celebrate with some now, so the season may be a little shorter these days or sporadic? is maybe a better description? Because I have people I love in Jan, Feb, Mar, April, June, and July then the majority of my babies (and my Brother) are Oct, with baby Jojo closin’ out on Nov 2nd. So maybe I’ve been thinking about this all wrong? Although the majority of celebrations happen within the first half of the year, I truly celebrate all year long. whoop!

I started this post with my usual intention of talking about: Every day is a New Beginning, Be present, Live in the moment, and here I am, sidetracking bc I’m amazed that I have people I love almost every month of the year lol.

Anywhooo this year, like the past two years, feels different. My normal Birthday season involves a literal celebration every weekend of Feb with increased social media posts on positivity and magic, and being an independent, strong, wild, woman. Past two years however, everything from surviving a plague, to multiple deaths, to huge career changes have occured. It’s all come with many highs and many lows, but the lows hit a little harder. Maybe because I’ve never been good with death. I’ve been trying to grasp death since HS when a good friend of mine died in a car accident. Then another good friend died in college from cancer. Times where you don’t quite imagine having anyone die so young. And now in adult-adult life, it begins to feel even more surreal if that’s even possible. I think it’s because as an adult who survived their 20s, every day that comes is another day closer to the inevitable. And as we get older, death is more prevalent, from hearing about people you went to HS with, to their parents, siblings, etc. Because death is more common as we age, it starts to become more than just an idea, but a reality.

And don’t worry, I’ll turn this mood around, lol – but the past two years of this mental and emotional cloud of losing 5 people in two years, has challenged me in more ways than I imagined. I thought it would just refresh my perspective, start living in the moment, be more grateful, etc.. But no. It actually made me more scared. Scared of tomorrow. Scared of possibly no tomorrow. Scared of taking risks. Scared of living bc of the fragility that surrounds life. All of which is complete opposite of what death should teach us. Or is it?

Maybe we should be scared. I looked up my first blog I ever posted. And it was about: Doing something everyday that scares you. And we’ve come full circle here kids. And if we wanna get technical, being Afraid is probably more grammatically correct, lol but either way, as Natalie Babbitt wrote in Tuck Everlasting, “Don’t be afraid of death; be afraid of an unlived life. You don’t have to live forever, you just have to live.”

It’s not death I think that is now the scary part. I think it’s more the fear that I will not be able to do all the things I hope, and wish, and strive, to do. Because if you’ve read any of my stuff, gratefulness oozes through the screen, adventure, wild thoughts, controversial ideas, and sometimes, I’ll even admit, toxic positivity, lol. But I DO truly believe things happen for reason – not A reason, but reason. There was a video I watched earlier today about a woman who lost one of her twins during birth. And she explains the idea of reason well, with regard that no matter what you believe, you just have to believe in something bigger, especially when death or tragedy occur. Because one moment (big or small) changes the trajectory of all that comes after. And she beautifully described how her son is at 7yr old now to explain her point.

I guess what I’m getting to here is, grief is hard. And it’s never the same as anyone or any situation. It’s as diverse as snowflakes and stars. It changes your life for good, for bad, or whatever mixture the two values create. But it changes you and your world. Personally, I feel as grief has changed me more on the good bc I love so much harder, and give more than I physically can now. Whitney Hanson has a beautiful poem about loving people who know grief and says people who know grief, know that, “everyone and everything you love will disappear one day” which is why said people who know grief should not be let go of. We know, how fragile life is, and maybe that’s why I have always known. I’ve literally been grieving most my life. I’ve felt pain like this since I was 16 and questioned so many things as the years go by. But I also love and care harder than most people I know. There are so many nights I’ve cried and prayed so hard to stop caring about “things I shouldn’t.” When now, I realize it’s just who I am bc I know nothing is permanent. I’m scared, so I care.

Well this came back around not in a way I had expected, which means my other ideas of Love and New Beginning will be expressed closer to Feb, which I guess makes sense being the Hallmark Month of Love. And maybe by then, I WILL feel a little more celebratory and hopeful. But until then, let me share that beautiful poem I mentioned above, and I hope anyone who has felt grief, or is feeling this now, that this little grief dump of a post, helped free a few of your emotions.

till next time, stay scared – the good kind ❤

another day, another thing to let go of

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

(note: i was having troubles saving drafts today, so apologies in advance for any grammatical mishaps in this post, lol)

My favorite time of the year is here.

And you may be thinking – oh the Holidays! Well, sort of. lol. Thanksgiving IS my favorite Holiday of the year, (second to my Birthday of course, lol) But this time of year is my favorite, more because we are getting into the sentiment, conversation, and ideas, of New Beginnings, letting things go, and leaving things in 2023 (or any prior year for that matter.

I’ve blogged about this before, but in new light, I lost my father this past Sunday, and the relationship was complicated. Although I will not be diving into that, as grieving is different for everyone, but I mention this, as it adds to the spirit of New Beginnings. Another chapter of my life has closed, and at the same time, the growth of this year has felt quite expansive. I feel that it prepared me for this moment. With that, it gives me more appreciation and gratitude as we move into this season of giving, tradition, and “family”.

Most of my “family” as you know, is chosen. And this year, this week even, has reminded me how important “our people” are. I don’t quite enjoy the general public, lol, and acquaintances and casual friends are nice to have, and needed for a sense of community, but our core “family” is really what gives us meaning. The time and conversations I spend with my best friend, (who is WAY more than just a best friend compared to what the name itself is defined as) are not of Wednesday energy. Every moment with her is a Friday or Saturday night – even on a Wednesday ❤ (now the explanation of that analogy may have to wait for another day, bc the whole concept of finding your Wednesday person is just so wonderful to me). Point here is, no matter where your life takes you, be very conscious of who you keep close, as these people are closely tied to your rise and fall.

In that same intention, every year, honestly, every day even, is an opportunity to allow yourself to reevaluate what is in front of you in the present, and also what is ahead of you. What is imperative to bring you joy, love, support and motivation even, to guide you on that path? Don’t worry, I didn’t forget about yesterday, lol. You can’t change the past, so no need to reevaluate that, but make a note on who was, or was NOT there in your rise(s) and fall(s). Does that need to change? Or are these relationships deserving of more nurturing and growth?

Any death makes these questions easier to answer. However, I’ve mentioned time and time again on this blog, that we need to be better about having these moments outside of extreme experiences. Your Wednesdays matter. The plain, “normal”, simple days – not just the thrill ride of Saturdays or big life moments.

To put a bow on this post, let’s bring it back to my favorite time of year. I get to look at how far I’ve come, and anticipate what is ahead. With the closing of any chapter, brings new pages to create. And I am excited, hopeful, and very much grateful for the experiences this year has given me, and more importantly, the people I have gathered, kept, and graciously let go of. I hope for all of you readers, you are able to find peace, in once again releasing what is not meant for you, and in turn allowing what IS meant to be. Sometimes it’s harder to accept what the universe is trying to give us, versus letting go. It always feels easier to let go of what does not fill our souls, however, to trust what does light a fire within us, for some reason, is difficult for most << and that’s a whole post in itself, lol.

So cheers to you all. And if you are celebrating Thanksgiving this week, however you celebrate, I hope it is within the spirit and intent of gratefulness, and brings you to a place of balance where you can let go of what no longer serves you, and open your arms to what will. ❤

p.s. gotta remind y’all, especially during the holidays – remember “family” does not mean blood, “family” is your people, wherever they are from, of whom you trust, and trust you. Family is also those who love you not in spite of your flaws, but because of of them. They love you for just existing and being a positive part of their lives, not bc of any obligation.

p.p.s my last reminder for the holidays: No is still a full sentence, and an appropriate answer, xoxo

Maybe these Eclipses are for reals

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Not sure if many of you are aware, but I am an avid science nerd. I love the planets, and stars, and movements in the ether. And I truly believe God created all things with purpose. The Moon affects the tides, and I don’t believe that’s just coincidence. So I do believe our Universe and the Heavens affect our being. “If the Stars were made to Worship, so will I”

That little prologue brings me to today. Therapy was very much needed yesterday after a tough week. It was quite an emotional rollercoaster. My last connection to CA (and my best friend) is moving east on a new adventure. And my soul-sister just found out she got a promotion. In between that, I’m home, fighting with my Landlord about painters who gave me an eye roll bc I did not know how to speak Español (and of course couldn’t explain that I was not offending their ancestors, but that I am, in fact, of Asian-American decent. *now I AM eye rolling) ANYWAY, on top of this, it seems I have fallen into crush mode for someone I shouldn’t right now, and I just got back from a 2-week work/play hiatus that was more work-travel than play.

Needless to say, the past month has been busy all around. And yesterdays conversation consisted of me crying about: I am officially alone – all these things are happening AROUND me, but not TO me. I did NOT want to be the last one left in CA. What am I supposed to do with myself for the next 9-mo?! There is nothing left for me here, other than the ocean.

And my therapist said something to me, that I don’t think she’s ever said: “Well maybe you aren’t supposed to DO anything right now – maybe this is your time to wait it out. Sit, be still, and LET it all happen around you.” And not that I haven’t heard those words ever, but she also said: “You are a DO-er, you’re constantly moving, making things happen, this can be a time to rest. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you like this, questioning, and frustrated. YOU know it’s OK, NOT to be ok.” And there, she isn’t wrong. I AM constantly moving and shaking, and not sleeping, and taking in every tiny breath life has to offer. We also talked about my control issues, and this is where it’s hardest for me to “rest”. Because to me, if so much is happening around me, I MUST be doing SOMETHING – bc I can’t let life control ME.. Additionally, she made a valid point in that I have been working on myself for close to 9 years now, always DOING something in the name of emotional and mental progress, and where I am, may be a crossroads. We talked about why I moved to CA in the first place and what I got out of it. And her conclusion to that part of the conversation was: “Sounds like you did everything you were set out to do. Maybe this is closed chapter. Maybe it IS time for change, even sooner than later.”

I live for others, and rarely let myself be sad. And right now, I am sad. I am sad that nothing is happening for me, right now. I am sad that I feel lonely, and if one y’all tell me me.. oh stoppp you’re not ALONE. imma tell you to throw yourself in the ocean, bc at this moment, the loneliness is unbearable. I know I’m not ALONE. but being alone is different from feeling lonely. The things and people that are important to me, feel so far away. And I have come to realize there is not one person out there who puts me into their equation of choices in life. While I’m sitting here, being like well, if I move here, what will happen to Sally!? (I don’t have a Sally in my life, lol, just an example) So no, you don’t understand how I feel, bc you are not me, nor have experienced the life I have lived. I digress, my point is that I’m trying to let myself be sad. Sometimes, even though there is something good in a day, the day is still not good. And that is ok.

Which brings us back to Eclipses – Eclipse season in the world of Spirituality is a time of milestones and change. Many aspects of life and emotion “end” allowing New Beginnings to unfold. And with this final Eclipse in Taurus this weekend, another theme that has been constant is the allowance of the universe to unfold around you, and have clear eyes once the dust settles. I.e. New Beginnings.

So maybe I am in the middle of some turbulence which is causing this emotional distress. I want to believe there is something on the other side, and that I will move out of this loneliness era and finally feel like I am a part of something. Anything. I’ll even take a book club at this point. lol

Per usual, this was a mini-rant that was all over the place, but to conclude my thoughts: If anyone else out there is feeling similarly stuck, or questioning a lot of things right now, let’s blame it on Eclipse Season. And next week, as we enter a new Era, I hope for everyone that the crumple of emotions flatten out, and you’re able to see a little more clearly what your scribble needed to become an art piece. ❤

much love to y’all out there, xoxo

unedited thoughts of late

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I feel like there has been a lot of letting go the past year or so.

Letting go of friendships, family, and I guess relationships in general. As well as the past, ideas, emotions, and other aspects of life and myself, that were holding me back from living. With letting go of people, comes the letting go of their presence and past connections. Connections, that no longer support me, serve me, or give me joy. << It’s the “no longer serve me” that is important here. I say this because, I lost two loved ones last year, and both their spirits still serve me and support me, and give me peace.

However, there are moments, (some times many moments) that happen daily, where we realize we have outgrown a situation, a person, a feeling. This year has been a big year of finding myself, and relearning not to be afraid of life. And no matter where the days have sent me, for me, it’s the people who kept me going. I used to be so proud of being independent, strong, singular. Me. I’m going to take care of myself. Me. Just me. This year I realized I need people, but differently than I thought. I’m not as strong as I thought I was. I don’t always want to be independent. There is a difference between independence and being alone. I just ended up alone. And not just alone, but lonely. << This right here, was very hard for me to admit, and it still is. I never want(ed) people thinking I’m needy, dramatic, or worse yet, thinking I’m faking it.

But recent events have reminded me that sometimes we are so focused on certain things, people, emotions even, that are just “available” and in front of us, that we put our effort into them. Because why not right? They are there ready for the taking. But rather, we should be taking a breath, find some sort of grounding, and remember the ones, and the feelings, that in fact, still serve us, and light our soul. A team Jeremiah vs Team Conrad, metaphor for life, if you will lol.

As much as I love flowers, it’s this example of what people actually offer me, that I need to carry with me as I navigate this life through the good and bad. Am I just getting tangible things from people or am I getting *moments*, substance beyond the day, that can surpass the heavens?

I guess my point in all this, that probably could have been stated in a sentence, lol, is that not all people or feelings will serve you. Keep close the ones, although not always in front of you everyday, that stand the test of time. Not bring back the past to you, but from wherever they begin, they can follow you to the end. Let go of what no longer serves you, let the hard emotions pass, and let these people help you understand the difference.

A Harvard study did find, that positive relationships keep us happier, healthier, and help us live longer. So be mindful of your village however large or small. I am blessed to have had certain people by my “side” the past few weeks, and they reminded me that it’s ok to let the others go. Honestly, some of these people surprised me, while others confirmed some thoughts I had. But in all, I will forever be grateful to those who continue to show up when I need them, and learning through them that it’s ok to outgrow the ones who don’t.

Take care of yourselves friends, and pay attention to those who are part of your universe not just those in your front yard.

till next time, cheers,

So much for 1/mo

~ NewBeginnings ~ 2 Comments

For this blog – thought I would be posting once a month, but its been quite a year. I guess I’ll just consider this is a mid-yr reacap? This will definitely feel, and sound like a ramble, but like all my posts, if anyone gains anything from this, even just a laugh or new idea, then I’m still fulfilling my purpose of starting this.. 11 years ago!? Go check out some Archives, those originals are hilarious, lol.

I also have 4 drafts that have been sitting in my edits waiting to complete.. maybe one day my brain will be able to focus long enough to get those done. For now though, its a new day, new month – and honestly, lots of New Beginnings have occured the past 5 months. One thing for certain however… there are some things that never, or rarely change.

From topics I write about often, a few thoughts that have remained consistent this year:

  • Family is not blood. It is many things, but blood and DNA/genes is not a requirement, nor the only, or needed, factor.
  • People are still in relationships for all the wrong reasons. *Small insight that I have learned is that most people’s fear of being alone is stronger than the need, or want for happiness – hence divorce rates, toxic relationships, etc… *Second insight is that almost all relationships get pressured to advance said relationship, i.e. “when are you getting married?!” “when are you having kids?!” which in turn creates issues, even for those who are in healthy relationships for the right reasons. We all have different timelines in life, relationships are no exception, we need to stop putting other people on our personal timelines.
  • Ignorance might be bliss, but its still Ignorance.
  • Contrary to popular belief, opinions are not facts. Nor are emotions, anxiety and depression.

Now, some things I did learn so far this year:

  • We need more Ted Lasso’s – Be Curious not Judgemental.
  • Although the ocean has a very special place in my heart, it is actually just the movement of water I truly love, and need in my surroundings.
  • No matter what you believe in, if you notice recurring signs, listen to them, pay attention to them. Don’t make assumptions – per point 1 – Be Curious. Sometimes the signs are super obvious, but sometimes, they are not necessarily pointing to what’s in front of you, they are teaching you and leading you to something you have not thought about. Maybe its a YOU problem, and maybe its more a need to change your way of thinking and doing.

Overall, this has been very much a year of: Control the Controllables. I started in a new role at work (eek!), I have traveled more in the last 5 months than I can remember in any year (YaY!), I moved (YaY!), I broke a toe (gah!). It’s definitely been a typical rollercoaster of heaviness and lightness of emotion, trying to navigate all the change internally and externally. I have had many a frustration, especially the past 3 months, having to travel in a boot for 2 of the many trips I took, and also being limited in movement after finally accomplishing my first half marathon just 3.5 mo prior to the bone break. BUT, this is day 5 of no splints, no tape, and real shoes 🙂 #smallwins

My new role is challenging, and will be a great learning experience for however long I do this. I think I learned the most about controllables from this role due to the reactive nature of it. Because thats all we can do when things happen that we do not expect, react. React as best we can, based on the tools we have. Knowing my reaction is controllable, I have learned to add more tools to my EQ box. Generally speaking, the more we are curious, the more we learn, and are able to create better experiences, whether thats with people or just trying to get through TSA.

I guess moral of this mid-year randomness is I have learned to be more curious, which in turn allows me to control my controllables, which really, the only thing we CAN control is ourselves. I have been learning to be more insightful in situations, and taking my time on next steps. Not every moment in life needs a to be a dive, sometimes wading or dipping a toe in a river, or ocean, or metaphorical lake, gives perspective and the ability to make proper decisions for our actions.

till next time, hopefully sooner than 5 months, lol, cheers,

xoxo

another day, another New Beginning

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

According to 90% of the world, we are in a New Year. I’m not debating this, as I trust the calendar, lol, but I have always felt my New Year starts on my Birthday. If you have been following me long enough, you know how important I believe Birthdays are, and this is one of those reasons.

This past weekend, I was talking about this with a couple friends, and not that they were going to change their lives based on when a “New Year” starts, but we did slightly agree that on a personal level, that it only makes sense that one’s New Year begins on their Birthday. This is the day we entered this world, and it’s the same day – every year – that determines you making it, yet another year, on this planet.

As mentioned, this is how I have functioned for a while, and I’m not trying to tell yall how to live your lives, lol. If you need Jan 1st at a starting point, please use it. My hope in all these posts is to remind everyone that New Beginnings happen all the time. New jobs, new relationships, death, new life path, etc.. And all those moments don’t wait for Jan 1. And I guess now you can argue, none of those moments wait for your Birthday either. And you are correct!

Point is, your Birthday, or lets use my Birthday, is another milestone of a New Beginning. What will I accomplish this next year of my life? Did I have a goal of buying a house by the time I turn 40? What do I do now about it? What limitations might I run into this year (because I’m an old lady now, lol)? Birthday New Years give a different perspective on your hopes, dreams, and goals. And I feel like we take our Birthday goals more serious because there’s that hidden fear of “another year gone by”.

So whether you plan your life between Jan 1st and Dec 31st, or you are similar to me, and your year hasn’t “started” yet, I hope y’all use this time to reflect. And remember, your life can change any day, so as much as we want to “plan” the year ahead, whether that’s now, or Birthday time: “No Plan is Perfect, and Nothing Perfect Can be Planned”.

So cheers to 2023, whatever day your Year starts for you, and I hope yall find magic, love, and all things meant for you ❤

And if life happens to suck, remember tomorrow, and every tomorrow, is another chance at a New Beginning 🙂