Tag: stuck

theres only one way to go at this point right?

~ NewBeginnings ~ 2 Comments

I’m hoping its UP.

Is it possible to be living opposite of the rest of the world? Like when things are going well for me.. I notice more disappointment and frustration around me.. lots of bad days explained. And, of course, I am not going to begin divulging all my awesomeness about work, life, love, vacation planning, or whatever.. so I enjoy my happiness alone all the while waiting for the rest of the world to catch up so we can share stories.

But like all things, there is also an inverse. So in these moments of self-frustration, and slight-dissapointment in my life, why is it that everyone around me seems to be at the top of their game? I thought misery loved company?! So why is it I always seem to fall at the opposite end of this happy-sad seesaw party..? And of course I never want to make people miserable just so I can be happy again, so all my senses are confused all the time.

I blame it on my natural tendency to be different. I have never followed the pack, expectations, none of it. With being an individual, it sure hits home when I hear that it is lonely at the top. Little do “they” tell you, though (whoever “they” are..) that it’s sure as heck lonely at the bottom too.

And for those of you reading this who know me.. you’re probably all thinking.. “oh Posh.. why are you being overdramatic about small mishaps in your life?!” Well HA I just punked you, because not only have the recent Boston events crushed my little heart, but yah, random rom com moments have happened, disappointments even, but more so, what no one sees.. ok maybe just one person has seen it all with me.. and that person, I KNOW doesn’t think I’m being overdramatic.. because all I have to say to this love-of-my-life-bestie is “FOR REALS?! IS THIS REAL LIFE?! THIS TOO?! UGH.” It’s like my past and present decided to have a pillow fight. Like Carrie said, “The universe may not always play fair, but at least it’s got a hell of a sense of humor.” True story right there.

Because really, if I told everyone, everything that was going on in my life.. where would all my mystery go!? And that also turns into a whole lot of one-sided conversations.. and I don’t like talking to myself.. although it is rather interesting, it’s not nearly as educational or inspiring.

So point being, my inner-disapointments go far beyond what people see or hear from me on the daily. I guess thats an obvious, but you’d be surprised at how many times I’ve experienced an “I know everything about you” moment from people who can barely scratch the surface of the awesomeness that I entail.

Anyway, back to the original question in all this.. Is it possible to be living life opposite of the world? Living as the un-balanced? Is there a reason for this if thats the case? To always provide an opposing side maybe? To remind people that there is always better or worse? To keep other people balanced? I don’t know but I’ll tell you one thing, I surely hope that with all my current internal misery, I’m at least entertaining the rest of you.

Cheers!

“Sometimes life will grab you by the balls and that’s when you have to ask yourself, ‘Do I even have balls, and if so, why are there two?’” ~Chelsea Handler

hello there, it’s nice to see me again.

~ NewBeginnings ~ 12 Comments

I am back. In more ways than one.

I took a mini hiatus from my blog. And although I was not nearly as generous in explanation as fellow blogger and writing superstar Jodi Ambrose was when she took a little break, 😉 I, myself was in hiding nonetheless. A lot has ensued over the past week or two.. or three even, and I have many drafts floating around that now make no sense to me. I was having a personal struggle, one that only few people knew about. This struggle of mine, has also brought ME back.

I was waiting and waiting to write a new post. Racking my brain on how and what I was going to say or explain about my situation. I had a lot of “I’ve become that person I criticize” moments. So many times did I want to spew out all my issues and try to release all the stresses building up. But honestly, not everyone needs to know my issues, not in specifics at least, and it was probably better that way. If I had blogged about it, the outcome would probably have been different. I would have felt that in expressing my emotions, it was enough to calm me down, and in the end I would not have pulled myself out of my hole.  As I have said many a time, my life is not terrible, and this situation is no different. There are plenty of worldly problems, cancers, diseases, and pain that take up people’s lives. For me, it was just a small moment of identity loss. But if this has ever happened to you, losing yourself is worse than losing your car keys.

For a few years, I was living a life that was rational and made sense. I had a great relationship, a job that pays bills, and amazing friends. Unfortunately, in all the rationality and sense that was being made, I was digging myself into a hole of self-doubt. I took a job I don’t like, and I gave up on myself and what made me happy. I was too busy focusing on making someone else happy. It’s no ones fault but my own, and knowing that was eating at me. Starting this blog was the beginning of me breaking free again, stepping outside the comfortable. My creative juices started to flow.. and I started to divulge into what was inside me. I thought about volleyball, I thought about coaching. I thought about martinis and running, and little black dresses. I thought about my family A LOT. I thought about home. I thought about my eccentricities that most people don’t understand with me, but that my friends love about me. I thought about being Posh. I thought about the expectations my parents had for me, and then I realized, my parents just expected me to be happy, and it was ME who was not living up to my OWN expectations.

I kept myself in a safe place. I moved along with societal expectations, got involved in “normal” to-do’s. My friends were starting to get married and they are now starting to have babies. The questions started popping up towards me, “So Kara, when will you.. ” So many times have I had to explain to people that marriage and kids, and houses and white picket fences, are not for me. This is hard for people to understand. Is it bad that I have a sense of ‘pride’ in being alone, single? And I’m not talking about being available here, but independent. The moment I realized I was not doing things for myself anymore, but rather for someone else, I started crumbling. The arguments of settling down and selfishness I know are out there, but if I don’t feel like I can stand on my own, how am I supposed to stand next to someone.. without them holding me up?

I’ve always had a stubborn independence in me. Call me crazy, but I’ve always seen myself in a ‘Melrose Place’ sort of complex, with a shared pool, meeting all my neighbors and having cocktails on our balconies. And when I retire, I see myself in FL with a whole lot of old people in a community having wine everyday at noon. Aside from all the alcohol, I see myself surrounded by people and being a part of a community. Like I mentioned, I don’t want to be alone, I just want to be me. I see myself visiting my nieces and nephews, seeing them on holidays, and being a role model. I see myself being successful at being unconventional. I see myself becoming a writer, a coach, a volleyball player again (most likely in an old people league, but playing nonetheless!). I see myself living by the ocean, making an impact to society, and changing people’s lives. I may not be able to change the world, but I can be the one positive influence in someone’s life that may change their perspective. Call me a dreamer, but I see these things.

I’ve always seen these things. Yet for some reason, I held them back the last few years. This past week however, after a text to a friend and a prayer, something happened. Those who know me will call it fate, but I had one of those “sometimes the-hardest-thing-and-the-right-thing-are-the-same-thing” moments. My mind was reeling, I could barely eat, my stress was through the roof, and I was making myself sick. But finally, after all the internal aching, it is over. I am free. I am ME.

I am not feeling good by any means where I am right now.. I feel like I lost my best friend. Yesterday was a miserable day. But now there is freedom to follow dreams and accomplish goals. Freedom to do better. Everyday that goes by is another new beginning. It will be hard, it IS hard, it will take time, and it will completely SUCK. But like all things, it will get better. I have to keep reminding myself of what I want.. That “life begins at the end of your comfort zone..”  and I can’t wait to get uncomfortable.

“It’s time to begin, isn’t it?
I get a little bit bigger, but then I’ll admit
I’m just the same as I was
Now don’t you understand
That I’m never changing who I am” ~Imagine Dragons

blockage and bras.

~ NewBeginnings ~ 2 Comments

I’m having bloggers-block.

I assume this is a real thing.. I mean if writers can get blocked, bloggers can too. We are a form of writing, after all.. So this blog is pretty much about the ‘nonsense’ I mentioned in my “about me” page. I figure writing nonsense is better than not writing at all. At least it keeps my blog fresh, considering I haven’t blogged in almost a month!

Lets start with my morning.. I woke up fairly early and headed to the laundry mat. I was driving in absolutely gorgeous weather with my windows down, my hair in a wild frenzy, some New Direction and Maroon 5 on the radio.. A blanket of sun was covering every inch of the highway.. it was beautiful. And then.. I’m parked. And come to find out, I forgot my hangers, detergent, bleach, and dryer sheets. But “Live with Kelly!” is on! and Joel McHale is guest hosting.. LOVE him! Saw him live once, at a super classy place called the Casino Ballroom in Hampton Beach. [insert sarcasm here] But this detergent/hanger/bleach/dryer sheets situation was not fixing itself, and I was not planning on driving all the way home again.. Or maybe I should have! The drive alone would have been worth it. Well I didn’t. Instead, I spent $4.50 on three packets of detergent, a packet of bleach, and two packets of dryer sheets. I then drove over to Target while my clothes were in the wash and spent another $7 on hangers, and $2 on a breakfast sandwich from the cafe. $11 is probably more than the gas I would have used to drive home. (I don’t count breakfast, because I would have spent that anyway) Oh well, it made for a neat little adventure to Target and more time outside.

As the Nate Berkus show starts to come on, my laundry is drying and I’m swiftly folding clothes into neat little piles. Theres a wonderful cross-breeze coming through the doors, and I love when my hair starts blowing in a whirl-wind sort of way, I feel like I’m in a music video.. or hair product commercial, which ever makes me look more fantastic.

If you are still reading at this point, good for you! Im sure your excited to find out what happens next!

After all the suspense.. I took my laundry and drove it back home. After my 3 trips from my car to the apartment, (I had hanging items too) I decide to change. I really wasn’t feeling my first outfit of the day. I figure I’ll stick with my distressed denim shorts, a regular summer staple, but just find a more comfortable top. I was wearing a bright orange tank with a beach scene and palm trees screen-prtinted on it, and a convertible nude bra that I made into a razor-back so my straps would be hidden. Oh don’t you worry, my bra is an important ingredient in the outfit salad of my day.. This bra that I was wearing, is a regular undergarment that is not meant to be seen. However, for some reason, on my right side, and my right side only, (trust me, I checked the left!) said bra was just chillin saying hello to people! I had a small moment of embarrassment knowing I had been running around all morning looking like that. Rather than question the quality of my tank, I decided to just find a better option of both items all together. I decided to try something new and exciting. I have never done this before, so I was somewhat thrilled at the outfit-experience I’m about to describe. I chose a multi-colored bandeau-style concert bra in blue and berry tones. I set it to a razor-back-look like my last bra, and paired it with a berry colored loose tank that has a little pocket on the left side like a tee-shirt. Now, you might be sitting there wondering, CONCERT bra? Yes. Working in a bra and undie store, who apparently were the first to advertise these things in the mall, I know a lot about them. Think about it, someone out there sat down and thought up an idea for a CONCERT bra. Here is an informal definition below.

Concert Bra: N. A bra made to wear at concerts and festivals that is made in a bathing-suit-type material that resembles a top for matters of thunderstorms, rain, or potential mud-sliding. This ‘bra’ is MEANT TO BE SEEN. Made in three known styles: bandeau, bustier, and triangle top.

You heard me. This bra can say hello to people all it wants because it is meant to be a top. Do we remember these from Madonna’s old days?! Bra-tops.. Really now? Well my concert bra is more of an accessory rather than a bra or a top. But it did alleviate my last ‘regular’ bra’s issue of being seen when it was not supposed to. I mean, c’mon now, this concert bra can be seen by people and no one will think I’m strange. Or at least thats the idea.

After this personal struggle of the seen, or not to be seen bra, my day continued with another lovely drive, this time, to B&N. Or as most people call it, Barnes and Noble. After getting out of my car, again in the gorgeous weather, shoulders bare, with my bra meaning to be seen, it was like I had turned into the hippie I always wanted to be. I was so excited about this new experience, I had to text a friend about it.

So as you can see, this was the highlight of my day. And here I am, still at B&N typing away at nonsense and a newfound interest in concert bras. Im so hip now. Hopefully my evening consists of something more interesting and maybe my blogging-block will end and I can type about something a little more entertaining. Or at least life changing.. or humorous, I’ll take humorous. Not like this piece wasn’t hysterical enough.

keep your eyes on the prize..

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

hello friends!

Today, like many days, I realize something new. My realization today was nothing really profound, just another pat on the back, and Glee-like motivation to continue to reach beyond what is in front of me. If you get a moment, and you are open to reading about life and matters of faith, please read this Blog:  http://wp.me/p2hYeU-9i and you may see what I’m talking about.

This Blog, as Religious as it may seem, has taught me a few things. Honestly, I first started following AdoptingJames, not because I knew what they were blogging about, but because they followed me. I find that its respectful to follow bloggers who follow me, so long as I can relate. After further reading the blog, however, I learned so many new ways of looking at things. I have found strength in everyday obstacles and learned not be afraid of talking about my faith.

The reason why I’m talking about this particular blog post is because, 1: you’ll see a quote below that I extracted that I want to chat about, and 2: really, I just wanted to share with my friends because I know I’m not the only one feeling like this right now. No matter what religion you are, or what faith you carry, I feel like this message can be understood by all. Here is the excerpt:

“May we never take our eyes off of what’s to come, because when you’re pulled down by the mundane babblings of the cashier working next to you, you can offer a word of encouragement that something better is outside that retail store. Keep your eyes fixed on Heaven, and you won’t be able to help but speak about it with everyone you know. God knows that you’re not happy where you are (and sorry Mr. Olstene, but God isn’t concerned about our best life now), but He knows that there is a greater Life waiting for you on the other side of this world, and we should all be living for it each moment” -http://adoptingjames.wordpress.com/2012/05/16/fix-your-eyes-above/

This excerpt was towards the end of the post, but the post itself talks about feeling STUCK in a situation. its a good read I tell you. The reason why this portion of the post really hit me was because, if you know what I do for a living, the “babblings of the cashier working next to you” happens EVERYDAY! The other reason, more importantly, that hit me was the continuing line “you can offer a word of encouragement that something better is outside that retail store”

I do that everyday. I am the cheerleader at work. I’m a supporter, a friend, a motivator. Not to totally brag about myself, 🙂 but I have stopped people from quitting out of mere explanation of what they mean to me at work. Not only what they mean to me, but what they mean to this job, and what they are capable of doing. This job may not be what we do forever, but it is our job to learn from it and create experiences to help us further. Aside from work, I also help the people I work with understand that learning from your mistakes is not always the best way, but learning from OTHERS mistakes sometimes is more effective. In what I do for work, there comes a point where you do feel “stuck” so it is so coincidental that this blog popped up today when my co-worker and I had this EXACT conversation yesterday! We feel stuck, “comfortable” in other words, and feel like there is no way out. Its easy to stay where you are, no effort, no challenge. A wonderful friend of mine posted on FB one day “Life begins at the end of your comfort zone”. I felt then as I do now, that if we all think that way, we will never become stagnant.

This blog post, talks about stepping out and reaching higher. Looking ahead and looking for support from others. I know not everyone who reads this post will correlate Heaven with what is out there for them, but the message of knowing that we can be stronger than those that keep us down is marvelous. There IS more to this life.  Ive always had this strange feeling that the minute I’m not searching for something, life is over. Not necessarily, OVER, over, but I question, have I done EVERYTHING I can?! I mean, even in my own life, there are many people who think my dreams and aspirations are silly, but I keep trying, and finding more clever ways to get there. Because for me, I DO believe God has a greater plan for me. I feel as though I am meant to help people in a non-traditional way. I am a great mentor to many, and knowing that even if I helped only one person this whole time, its one person more than if I didn’t try at all. And sure, we all get STUCK at some point, heck, I AM stuck right now! But knowing there is a way out should be motivation enough to keep your head up and eyes focused.

As far as work and life is concerned, I plan to continue to be that cheerleader for those who are stuck. As I mentioned, I am also stuck.  Many who know me, know that. And honestly, always being the motivator sometimes leads me forget to motivate myself. The things I read in this post.. I have found myself saying to people! Strangely, however, why have I stopped saying them to myself?!  This post, couldn’t have shown up in my inbox at a better time.

Again, if you have the time to read it, I definitely recommend it. If not, you’ll be hearing about it from me anyway 🙂 And I know I’m promoting a blog right now, but don’t forget to keep reading mine! 🙂

http://adoptingjames.wordpress.com/2012/05/16/fix-your-eyes-above/