Tag: single

just another random sunday..

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Being sick just weeks before Thanksgiving really made me stop to re-group. I have a trip planned to visit my brother and his farm of children for the holiday (there’s four of them), never mind the pre-made plans I have to meet up with a friend visiting from out of state just days before that! I just can not socially afford to be sick right now. Also, being this the first time I’ve been sick since becoming single was sorta making the whole situation worse.. but at the same time, made me focus more on kicking this thing.

Anyway, I have done absolutely nothing this weekend. And by nothing, I mean I slept in as long as I could on Saturday and forced myself out of the house for a few hours just not to feel emotionally miserable. I’ve been living off of vitamin C, soup and tea, and the extra sleep definitely did a body good. Waking up today (Sunday) was a relief. Knowing myself, however, I knew not to get too excited because my normal protocol when feeling better is usually to go do a MILLION things. Why? you may ask.. well.. because I’m feeling better dammit, I can do anything! Right? Thankfully, I have learned that never works, because I usually end up ill for about 5 more days when I push it. So instead, to fill my need of adventures and activities, I went to breakfast at my favorite diner with the roommate, and then like a good little sick girl, took myself back home. Understanding my need to get better, I decided this is a perfect opportunity to finally unpack the residual boxes that had been collecting dust in my bedroom.

**Note: I moved over a year ago.. no big deal. Can we say procrastination?

This residual mess I had just sitting in my room was a number of things – divorce papers, tax documents, a lot of pictures, books, and some random things. I had recently been given a much-needed book shelf (recent = 3 months ago – just emphasizing my procrastination haha) and finally put it to good use.

In my sorting, dusting, and organizing.. I ran into several things that made me wonder why I kept any of this stuff. Of the questionable items were pictures, (ugh unfortunately many of them) of a lot of exes. Some still providing great memories, while others reminding me why I’m crazy sometimes. This got me to thinking.. should I just shred all this? Now mind you, I’m a memory keeper – meaning that I have about 6 memory boxes starting back from college, (thats about 15 years worth – ewww I’m showing my age haha!) and I still save stuff to this day – cards, pictures, ticket stubs, event tickets, you name it, if I think it holds some sort of value to my life, then it’s a keeper.

The stuff that sort of pinches my insides are the hardest – do I keep it as a reminder? To remind myself what never to do again? Or is it worthless because I mean, in the end, who is gonna keep it all anyway?! You see, never mind myself, but there are photos from weddings of friends who are also now divorced, many of those friends I don’t even talk to or even know where they are anymore. Photos of trips, and events with exes, other family member exes.. etc.. so strange. Again, some of them were great to remember.. others, (honestly, I’m pretty proud of myself for this – I had already cut out the exes from the photos or just removed them and stuck them in a ‘random’ pile. Yup, I was that girl – I will cut you out of pictures.. Mmwuaahahaha!) those others.. they just, I don’t know, it wasn’t pain, it was more annoyance. I kept saying, Ugh, jerk – never again! Haha, but for my soul, it was a great reminder of how much better my choices have been. To be clear, I did decide to shred some photos.. of duplicates, and some that just had no need to stay in my brain’s ‘memory box’.

Thankfully with technology, (or maybe NOT thankfully..) nowadays, the most you can do is delete photos anyway – yet as we have learned – they are never deleted for good. Which I guess sort of helps my idea of saving of such things that, Hey, if the internet keeps it forever, I guess I can too. It was definitely a strange journey through the pictures that start from the 6th grade – when I was still living in SoCal (the 1st time) – I pretty much spent about 2 hours reliving my entire late childhood and my transition into adulthood. Gonna be honest, it was slightly awkward at times haha. I had some good stuff to show my roommate too, and overall, I was pretty happy to finally get through it. Honestly, there was a part of me that was scared at what I’d find. But hey, if wedding certificates paper-clipped to divorce decree’s aren’t scary anymore, then really, what could possibly be in there that could still scare me?

I guess my point in all this, even for someone like me who loves tomorrow – I am a planner by nature, and you can’t plan without tomorrow! You also can’t have new beginnings without today! – As much as we/I want to keep yesterday far behind us and focus on the now..and plan for tomorrow.. the past never seems to go away.. Sometimes it even finds you after a few years just to remind you of how far you’ve come – or maybe for some, and in some cases for me – to show you how much further you can go. It’s a crazy life we live, and all you can do is keep learning, keep trucking, keep remembering that it is all yesterday. We are constantly in the past, in yesterday.. That second it took to write that last sentence, yup already the past. Interesting isn’t it? So why be afraid of it? We are constantly living in it.

See what happens when I get sick? I think too much. Happy random Sunday!

Cheers!

bon anniversaire!

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Anniversaries are just the Birthdays of events. And we all know how much I love Birthdays! Whoop!

The end of July marks an anniversary for me that most people may never admit or even be proud of.. I will have survived an entire year of single-dom.

For some, a year may be nothing.. for others.. it may be a lifetime. For me, I thought a year would feel like a lifetime.. and for those who know me well, this is.. well, absolutely wild and somewhat of a monstrosity. Hahaha 🙂

However, it has been a wonderful year of survival and personal enlightenment. Don’t get me wrong, there have been days where I felt lonely.. I may have even struggled. But these moments were few and far between, and really.. even in the best of relationships, there is always a lonely or struggling moment.

So to this, I applaud myself. Because really, with the demons of my past that I carry around, it really is a surprise that I just didn’t attach myself to the first, sad, young man.. falling at my feet. And what’s even more amazing are the things that I figured out when there was nothing to take care of but myself.

I actually started to value the idea of a relationship. Crazy I know, because many find me cynical. But if you can break a piece of wall or open a window into my insides, you’ll find that it is not cynicism, but really, the complete opposite. I’ve mentioned this in many of my posts, at how in Love I am with the idea of love. Being alone for this long made me appreciate love for what it actually is and put the idea into perspective: I refuse to settle, I refuse to compromise myself. I value teamwork.

I have seen, with my own eyes, that in any relationship, whether friendship or romance, it is not about giving up any part of yourself. It is about working together and finding a solution or balance that suits both parties. Because in the end, working this way, you give up nothing more than arguments and stress. And I’ve learned, that yes, while it may be a difficult road to find that someone who makes it easy to work with, it will be worth it. Here’s an archive that might explain more.

So if you find yourself in this position of single-dom, my only advice is to be strong enough to spend the time alone. I know so many people who have never been single. I know people who during their ‘single’ days, are galavanting off into multiple affairs. Yah, I get it, because I have totally done that myself too, and I guess that’s my point.. for the first time ever in 32 years.. my focus was solely on myself.  More people need to take a min and watch themselves. I have found when people do that, myself included, they find that they are not quite the person even they would have a relationship with.. never mind the judging aspect.

Anywayyy..! Here’s to more new adventures, potential new love, and not that I would mind another year of self enlightenment, but I would love to see myself actually putting these ideas to work, and proving that this year.. as lonely, and crazy, and wonderful as it was, made me someone even I want to be with.

Cheers!

i can’t make you love me if you don’t.

~ NewBeginnings ~ 2 Comments

“Some people are settling down, some people are settling, and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.” -Sex & the City

I refuse to settle.

And to clarify, I don’t see settling as in getting married or having children, or buying a house even.. any of that. Because, believe it or not, I want some of those things.. I want to love and be loved, but I know enough to wait for what is right for me. I refuse to do anything because of my age, or what society thinks I should be doing. Settling down for me is doing something for the mere reason that people, or society, expect it of you, not because you actually want to do it.

I especially believe this in terms of love. I have read in several places that people are in relationships for many reasons but not necessarily because of love. How sad is that!? I mean, if you think about it, we aren’t even friends with people because we genuinely like them or have anything in common.. many times it is a feeling of sheer obligation. I’ve also read a breakdown of the differences between love and obsession, lust, and control even. And honestly, this is why the divorce rate is 50%.

Don’t hate people, its a statistic. Fact. (in case you feel the need to read up on it, here’s a link for you) statistics

And also, in the 50% who stay married, only a fraction of those are together because of love. Now that is really sad.

As much as I LOVE living in a fantasy of romance and undying love, rom coms, and fairytales, (which, as many of you know, my likeness for these things is absolutely rediculous) I still understand, and learn everyday that love is more than convenience, expectation, practicality, being comfortable, and the idea of “I don’t think I can find anything better.” When I hear this, I want to kick a puppy. Is that what you really think? Or are you just being impatient? Lazy? Are you just plain scared of being vulnerable? These are the chances I am willing to take. Love is not “Well we’ve been dating 2 years, it’s time to get married.” Is it?! We’re talking forever here people.. do you realize this? Oh right, you can just get divorced.. because that’s a whole lot of fun I tell you.

Maybe it’s because I am part of that previously stated statistic and I refuse to add to it again. Maybe because of my previous ‘failure’ I finally understand what marriage actually means. Forever. I am slowing beginning to see, after physically seeing with my own eyes, so many people after me who got married, or divorced, or both even.. that marriage is no longer being taken seriously. It just becomes another ‘step’. Especially for those who are in long relationships.. hate me all you want for saying this, but maybe you aren’t supposed to get married.. maybe your long relationship is just that – a relationship you’ve had for a long time. I have been there, I know others who have been there too.. leaving relationships after 4, 8 years even. Marriage was not meant to be a ‘step’ it was, and is, meant for love.. not taxes, not babies, love. With love, comes the rest.. Maybe I’m trying too hard to explain this. But, maybe.. out of sheer hope, people will read and view life a little differently and actually take the time to fall in love vs just taking what they can get.

And yes, I’ve heard you critics, life now is not what life was back then.. blah blah.. The Bible is dated.. Society has changed.. That’s great, well if society has changed so much, then why are women, on average, still getting paid less then men? Why is there still discrimination? Why do families automatically expect children the minute people get married? Are you now going to argue on the basis of tradition? Exactly.. this is an on-going argumentative cycle. People may have changed, but feelings have not.

Love is a feeling, it is understanding. It’s compromise. Not in compromising yourself, but in finding compromise together. It’s being true to yourself and seeing truth in each other. It’s living as individuals, and bringing home your separate ideas to collaborate, or at least agree to disagree. It’s ever-changing.. because our lives are ever-changing. It’s loving all of someone including their imperfections.. not despite them. It’s allowing each other to be vulnerable because we all need to expose ourselves sometimes so we don’t feel shame. It’s about accepting that vulnerability because we all are victim to it.. It’s about not expecting strength and perfection at all times.

Love is about finding that person or people even, including friends, who see you for everything your worth, down to the bones. Vulnerable. Shameful. To be able to stand by you when you are not strong. Through imperfections. Love is not about knowing what buttons to push, but knowing why there are buttons at all. Love is truly unconditional.

And don’t get me wrong, of all the people I know who are married, with children, etc.. I know a few who are truly in love, who are together because of each other, not out of circumstance.. But I can count those couples on one hand.

Call me crazy, but no, I won’t settle, I refuse to allow myself to just be ‘comfortable’. I refuse to allow time, and society, and even friends and family, to create my boundaries. I refuse to be part of anything other than that 2% or so of the population who are together because of love.

Will I have to wait till I’m 80? Maybe. Will I be lonely? At times.. Will it be worth it? Yes.

dont know if you knew..

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

..But I’m a catch damnit.

Someone out there is totally missing out on all of this. (envision some hand movements)

For reals.

because I’m bored.

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It’s Sunday.

I am wearing the most unflattering cropped yogas.. thankfully I have my brothers old Army sweatshirt to classy it up. I have 5 loads of laundry to do.. technically 6, but I’m going to be lazy and do a load tomorrow. You heard me, I’m lazy doing 5 loads of laundry.. while wearing unflattering cropped yogas.

Clearly, waiting for the cycles to complete leaves me with my mind wanting to do stuff. Isn’t that why I started writing? And what ends up happening, of course, is I write down nonsense.. Nonsense.. all the while my mind continues to think about more important, self-consuming things. Like money, jobs, my future, love, memories, relationships, friendships, family.. the gym.. this guy.. who I consider the man of my dreams, yet-he’s-probably-in-like-a-ten-year-relationship-with-his-high-school-sweetheart-and-has-like-5kids-because-he’s-way-too-hot-to-be-single.. guy. This guy.. who makes me nervous at even just the thought of him.

This guy! Who probably thinks nothing of me, yet he fills most of my thoughts.. daily. Notice I have nothing to say about my job, my future, or money. Even the gym.. and I freakin love the gym! Maybe I’ll go later today.. there. Finally. A different thought in my head.

<<Sigh>>

And here I am swapping laundry loads, in these awful, awful cropped yogas! (I do have to specify the cropped-ness of them because I think it’s the cropped part that makes them worse.)

I’ll just be happy when I have clean, fabulous pieces of clothing available to me so I can change.. to go grocery shopping and run errands..

Oh Sunday.

he probably just isn’t into me at all.

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Sometimes I just do not understand myself.

Or maybe I just can’t be Posh without my plates. Thank goodness I pick them up in 4 days. Then maybe.. just maybe I’ll be a normal person again. Maybe.

Many of you have been reading my adventures for a while, and one in particular that really eats me up on the inside is this single life I currently live. Calling single life an adventure is definitely an understatement. It’s freaking c r a z y. And don’t get me wrong, I’m not all looking for marriage and babies tomorrow.. psshhh.. all I want is a possibility. Is that too much to ask?

Ok wait, I’m slightly digressing.. aside from these possibilities I’m apparently looking for, the issue here is in the first sentence.

For those who know me, my nickname Posh, suits me well. I’ve got some edge, some sass, and at times I’m bitchy. I have been known to break hearts. I’ve had my moments of picking, choosing, passing aside, throwing down ‘friend cards’ and even making them chase. I lived through my 20’s knowing that if I played it right, I only bought myself one drink out at a bar. Some may argue, well why even buy one if you are SO good? Well, the boys need to know what I’m drinking right? And that way they think I’m being nice instead of straight up acting like a mooch. Now don’t start judging.. because in the end, If I find someone worth it, I become the most loyal and loving person you’ve ever met. I have witnesses. I just have to weed out the crazies first.

Anyway, I’ve lost it. All of it. The past month or so, I’ve even been TRYING. What is this trying you say!? I’m still confused at the idea. I meet a cute guy and before I find out if they are gay, married, or taken with children, I am at a loss for words. I melt. I’m am 13yr old with High School crushes. I’ve become a Gigi. I fumble my sentences and turn red in the face. I’ve even been wasting a whole lot of money on my own drinks. Damn I tell you.

Maybe it’s karma.. the universe getting back at me in some sick way, taking away my ability to be picky.. but I just can’t wrap my head around the idea of my confidence being slightly damaged, or in more simple terms.. the idea of what the eff happened to me?! Where did Posh go? Where did my fearlessness run to?

I’ve spent 8 months not even batting an eye for the mere fact that I was so very happy to worry about nothing more than myself. But I guess it happens to the best of us.. when we aren’t looking.. someone always has to walk by.. twice.

Like it matters anyway because the best I can even come up with in a conversation is “I love French people”.

Right!? What does that even mean?! Ugh.

I’m just hoping for the best come Thursday, when Posh will be official in CA. Maybe the aura of my plates will ignite a new fire inside me. Maybe.

manhunt.

~ NewBeginnings ~ 4 Comments

I’m about 3-4 months away from making it a whole year without sex.

TMI? Sorry.. wait no, I’m not sorry. Because theres nothing wrong with saying it. I am not ashamed of it, and I’m sure there are a few people sitting in this boat I’m floating in.. I am also sure that some of you who are reading this are shocked. Way to think I’m a floozy! HA! Honestly, I’m partially shocked too. Anyway.. with the many conversations I have had with friends from back east, my roommate, and even my cousins, I’ve realized it’s not because I haven’t had any chances, its just that I’ve become a monster. In a good way. I think.

I am still as boy-crazy as ever, but I have created un-attainable standards for any male who thinks they are getting past a hand shake with me.

Good? Maybe. Bad? Probably. Because, yes, I am looking for more than a romp in the sack, but at the same time, I’m not giving any chances. And for someone who has made plenty bad decisions in her day when it comes to men.. HAHAHA – literally laughing at myself right now – It’s a strange feeling to have.. what are those called? Oh right, standards.

I partially blame it on my ex. After 5 years, it sadly didn’t work, but that’s not to say it was because of him. Oh, I take full responsibility. I wanted different things, and I lost my spark. But looking back, and now looking forward.. these future guys have ALOT to live up to. I mean, my ex had an amazingly stable and well-paying job, he had a great family, was relatively responsible, and took care of me like no one ever had. He knew how to fix things, make things.. he even changed the brakes on my car.. and they are still working! 😉 He knew how to cook, and he was my best friend. Being on my own now for almost 7 months, I can see the little things on why it didn’t work, but that doesn’t take away his awesomeness.

So now when I meet those of the male species, I’m all like – “What do you do for a living? Do you like sports? Do you know anything about cars? Are you reliable? Can you drive a manual?.” And the list goes on.. I mean, if the poor guy doesn’t have nice shoes on I’m judging! Even though my ex was a home-town boy who loved fishing and Star Wars, he did know a good shoe. And there it is. Damn him! Why did he have to be almost perfect?!

Of course I know the answer.. so I don’t settle for less than perfection. Which makes my love for Bradley Cooper all the more reasonable. But here comes a new problem. Every guy I find who meets these standards of mine are One of Three things:

Taken – Married with children – or Gay.

What am I supposed to do with that?! And all the others..? I’ve been throwing down the friend-card left and right. Because, I’m sorry, if you are a man, you don’t have to necessarily drive a manual, but you at least have to know how. Especially if I drive one. And yes, that means something to me. It’s almost as is important as how I take my coffee.

IMG_1081

So call me crazy, call me bitchy, call me unrealistic, or even unreasonable.. But there are things in life we hold to non-negotiables. And for me, I have a lot of them. But even with non-negotiables, in the end it does come down to emotion and spark. I know that sounds absolutely insane after everything I have just said, but I am a hopeless romantic deep down. I’m an Aquarian for goodness sakes, I believe in the stars and the dreams that hold them.. It has been said about Aquarians that, “Although you appear aloof and detached you’re inwardly sensitive and caring.” See? I’m just bitchy, crazy, and judgmental on the outside! 😉

But seriously though, it is a cycle.. common interests create a conversation, which creates common ground, which in turn creates a friendship.. it’s the spark that creates the relationship. And like Rich said, worst case, if I’m gonna become a hussy, I might as well have standards.

Oh well.. Charlotte did quote that you can become re-virginized after a year of no sex. Thank you Sex & the City for once again making me feel better about my life.. gah!

Cheers!

tiny rant.

~ NewBeginnings ~ 4 Comments

Okay, maybe it’s not tiny.. But being it the week of Giving Thanks.. I keep seeing something on my social pages that is really starting to eat at me. << I don’t even know if that sentence makes sense. Anyway, I keep seeing miserable people.

We all have bad days.. I’m having one today. I have other days that are tough too, but I try and keep calm because why make my surroundings miserable? It’s not the world’s fault that I’m having a bad day. But I also know that I can’t help it sometimes and that was me today. I even posted on FB that I’m grumpy and I wanted help to make it stop..!

Maybe its me, but when I have a bad day, or if I’m going through something difficult I dont find it appropriate to divulge things via social pages. Yes, I did write about one difficult moment in my life this year on my blog, but that is ONE outlet, and it wasn’t constant. It was also not written for the mere purpose of attention. It was a story. I guess my point here in this week of Giving Thanks, is that I have seen many posts lately about people going through difficult times.. and “some days are worse than others”.. posting dramatic explanations of life and love and heartache.. People posting about how miserable life is.. Reaching out to their FB/twitter/whatever else you might use – family just to create a rise out of people.. In order for people to comment with sob similarities and some others who provide motivational mini speeches. I completely understand that during holiday seasons, what seems bad enough already, becomes a little more discontent.. I’ve actually seen it first hand in a bar on Christmas Eve once.

A major reoccurring theme during the holidays are people who worry about being single.. I get it. I myself will be spending my first Thanksgiving and Christmas in 5 years.. alone. Call me crazy, call me different, call me a liar, but my explanation to people and my thoughts on this are that no matter what coast I would be spending this first holiday season alone, I know I have people who love me, and I am not spending it alone. I have family, I have friends. More important, I have myself. We dont get those moments often, time to spend on ourselves.. and although nothing beats having companionship, what kind of companions can we really be without loving ourselves and experiencing the holidays in a light where you can see how others actually are. Seeing for once that without the fog of depending on someone, no relationship is perfect, no life is perfect. People are not perfect.

So rather than vent out daily, hourly, or every few minutes even, why not actually see the holidays, or every day for that matter, for what they are meant for.. Family/Friends: whether its by blood or by fate, without family and friends we would litterally have nothing. Being Thankful: nothing will ever be perfect, everything happens for a reason, and there is a time and place for everything. A bad day for me is obviously different for other people, but we should always be aware of what we actually have and how grateful it is to have those things. To be able to wake up everyday and have another chance that many people don’t have. Not just today, not just this week, but always. We can never control what happens around us or what people do to us, but we can always control our own actions and reactions.

I mean really, why do some people feel like they are the only people who ever had problems? No one else in the world or on FB, or twitter.. ever went through a break up? No one else ever lost their job? No one else ever fought with their family? No one else is hurting on the inside? No one else ever had a bad day..?! And come on, how many times can someone say “Don’t worry, things will get better”, ” You are stronger than that”, “Tomorrow is another day..” We know this already, why must we be constantly reminded? It’s like knowing 1+1=2 but still asking for the answer. Maybe this is another mini motivational speech for all the downers, but seriously, how many times do we need to hear it?! And when did social networking become a platform for public whining? How many moments will it take for us to be grateful for what we have?! To be grateful for the small things in front of us.. for just making it another day.. just breathing one more breath..

“Maybe we’re not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we’re thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we’re thankful for the things we’ll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.” -Grey’s Anatomy

PSA

~ NewBeginnings ~ 1 Comment

reason #3895 why having a blog is great:

You can vent about anything to the general public knowing only a handful of people know what you are talking about, then receive unsolicited constructive criticism, advice, and sometimes even appreciation for discussing everyday angst.

And now I present to you, my vent of the week:

First and foremost, I would like to apologize because I feel it was because of my ignorance that this had to happen to me, however, in situations that are similar, I do not do this type of behavior because I feel I’m socially aware of people’s personal space.

What I did wrong was update my relationship status on facebook. As normal as this sounds, I actually did NOT want it to be public so I deleted it off my feed on my personal page. Unfortunately, I did not realize that in doing so, it does not delete it off the regular news feed as well. As much as I love my facebook community, old and new friends.. I have my own group of close friends who I talk to everyday.. you know, like most people.

So, in a public service-style announcement, I would like to say.. the answer is.. NO. No, I don’t need anyone to talk to because I have friends who I have talked to already. No, I don’t want to hang out. No, I don’t want to explain anything to anyone because frankly, it’s none of anyone business unless I say it is. No, I don’t need all this random attention just because I’m single. I’m single NOT lonely, or depressed, or incapable of living everyday life. No, I don’t need help. So enough with all the messages and allow me to be the celebrity who enjoys their privacy.

And, if you are really concerned, the only attention I would like at this time is one from a knight in shining armor, approx 6″1′, preferably with a swimmer-esque build, no chest hair, and in his mid-late 20s. (we all know how much of a cougar I am). I also don’t like horses, so if you can be a sort of Chris Hemsworth-style knight who just runs around mostly, and can let the horse be, that would be awesome. A wine offering would also be accepted, again, only if you are what is described above. That’s it. I hope this helps.

Thank you for your time.

just an update.

~ NewBeginnings ~ 4 Comments

So, it’s been a week. An emotional, exciting, entertaining week.

And during this week, I have realized I have become socially awkward. What happened to me?! Is that what being single does? I can barely talk to people at work without having to think about every word that comes out of my mouth. I flush at the most random times, and I apparently have difficulty holding down regular conversations.

I have said this time and again, but it IS such a strange feeling being single. It’s almost stressful! I love it though. Everything feels fresh, like I’ve never done it before. Maybe that explains my new found awesome ability to have terrible conversations.

Either way, it’s been a fun week, and I’m planning for the biggest exciting moment of my life. I’ve been talking about this since I was 13 and now it’s a done deal. IM MOVING BACK TO CALIFORNIA!!

The excitement has already started, and all I need left is an awesome going away, or more so, a coming home party 🙂