Tag: self-doubt

wheres miranda when i need her (unedited)

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Sex & the City – Season 2 Episode 10

One of my absolute favorite episodes because it truly explains how women are (many times) punished for their success. I know I’ve blogged about this concept before, but in the midst of Tswift’s The Man, and just my recent experiences, I was compelled to write about another sleeve of this double standard.

I go to a local bar.. it’s my very own Cheers.. everyone knows my name. I tip well, and have made some.. acquaintances, if you will. What fascinates me though, is even though I tip rather well (20-50% depending on the day) I do not get the same respect or treatment as male regulars. And mind you, I’ve been, and still am, a regular at many places, but this place in particular, I notice the difference.

Maybe because the type of bar it is? Maybe because the the traffic that comes through? I don’t know, but what I DO know is, when it’s busy I am patient and understanding, and I don’t let the busyness deter me from tipping well or taking it personal. But I also always notice other regulars who frequent this place.. almost all of whom are male.. are still always taken care of in a timely manner.

Now, don’t get me wrong.. women are different personality-wise by nature.. but is that any reason to take advantage of those qualities? I know for a fact I make the same, if not more, than many of those men who frequent this place, but yet, my dollar is undermined by the fact that I’m a female. Even by female staff no less!

Why does society hate successful women? Why must I BE understanding if I’m served after a man? Even fellow women can’t stand successful women! *face_palm* No one questions the man who shows up every night to have a cocktail and sits at the bar for a few hours, yet I receive looks and questions of why I’m there so often. This then turns into “jokes” which in turn just shows that women aren’t allowed to “act” like men.

HOW ABOUT WE JUST ACT LIKE PEOPLE. PEOPLE WHO HAVE STRESSFUL JOBS THAT MAKE THEM WANT TO DRINK.

I understand this post is slightly 2-fold: treatment and success. But many times it comes hand-in-hand. This even more frustrates me that I am constantly judged for both.

I don’t think there’s much moral to this story due to the fact that my situation, and the situations of other successful women won’t change overnight. But I guess use this as a reminder of inequality and societal stigma that is sadly still ingrained even in this new generation of “activists” and “free thinkers”.

It costs nothing to be kind.

✌🏻

i dont know why i never posted this..

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In sifting through some past journal entries, I found something from March of 2011.

In it, I wrote about a couple of friends who said something to me about “Learning to accept the things that haven’t happened and move on.”

On the previous page, I wrote about my anxiety about my plans for the future, and having concern that I had lost my idea of what my ‘Dreams’ were.. because you can’t follow something that doesn’t exist.

Anyway, I continued to write about the fact that I did not agree with this statement of ‘accepting things that haven’t happened’. Because I wanted to make things happen. Even if it was in small doses. I wrote about moving to CA (oh look at that!) and saying that I’d rather make it out here and last 3months than never making an effort at all. Because really, just because something hasn’t happened doesn’t mean it still can’t. If we just accept the things that haven’t happened, then what is the point of having dreams or aspirations? Why dream at all?

Looking back, I can obviously see what my friends were trying to say.. because right, you can’t change the past, you can’t change things that haven’t happened. You shouldn’t live and wonder ‘what if’. I think that was the point for me though, and the reason why I disagreed. Because there is always tomorrow. So why move on? Why even have a ‘what if’?! Take tomorrow by the horns and make something happen.

In my 32 years of my existence I have learned the obvious: We cannot change the past.. but that does not mean that what we have not accomplished cannot still be done now. Or tomorrow. And as crazy as life may be, and as fragile – and short even – there is still an opportunity to make things happen. And more so, a reason to be motivated. Knowing life is uncertain gives more of a reason to conquer today and think about those ‘what if’s’ and turn them into ‘this is what happened when I..’

Still thinking about that old college friend? Social Networking was created for you. Mad at yourself for not asking that guy/girl out last month? You probably know where to find them.. just do it. What’s the worst that can happen? They tell you they’re engaged!? BAHAHA (inside joke, and either way, at least now you know, and you’ve got a good story) Trying to get a Masters? a PhD? If money is a factor, start one class at a time. In the end, you will feel even more accomplished.

My point is, I would rather accept – what people call – ‘failure’ in trying. I would rather be late in the game, and getting even just a small piece of what I wanted, rather than accepting the nothingness of never trying. Why even have the talk about ‘accepting things that haven’t happened’? Why not just make them happen.. no matter how small, no matter how much time has passed. I would rather have stories to tell, even embarrassing ones, than having to ‘learn to accept..’ a nothing.

bon anniversaire!

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Anniversaries are just the Birthdays of events. And we all know how much I love Birthdays! Whoop!

The end of July marks an anniversary for me that most people may never admit or even be proud of.. I will have survived an entire year of single-dom.

For some, a year may be nothing.. for others.. it may be a lifetime. For me, I thought a year would feel like a lifetime.. and for those who know me well, this is.. well, absolutely wild and somewhat of a monstrosity. Hahaha 🙂

However, it has been a wonderful year of survival and personal enlightenment. Don’t get me wrong, there have been days where I felt lonely.. I may have even struggled. But these moments were few and far between, and really.. even in the best of relationships, there is always a lonely or struggling moment.

So to this, I applaud myself. Because really, with the demons of my past that I carry around, it really is a surprise that I just didn’t attach myself to the first, sad, young man.. falling at my feet. And what’s even more amazing are the things that I figured out when there was nothing to take care of but myself.

I actually started to value the idea of a relationship. Crazy I know, because many find me cynical. But if you can break a piece of wall or open a window into my insides, you’ll find that it is not cynicism, but really, the complete opposite. I’ve mentioned this in many of my posts, at how in Love I am with the idea of love. Being alone for this long made me appreciate love for what it actually is and put the idea into perspective: I refuse to settle, I refuse to compromise myself. I value teamwork.

I have seen, with my own eyes, that in any relationship, whether friendship or romance, it is not about giving up any part of yourself. It is about working together and finding a solution or balance that suits both parties. Because in the end, working this way, you give up nothing more than arguments and stress. And I’ve learned, that yes, while it may be a difficult road to find that someone who makes it easy to work with, it will be worth it. Here’s an archive that might explain more.

So if you find yourself in this position of single-dom, my only advice is to be strong enough to spend the time alone. I know so many people who have never been single. I know people who during their ‘single’ days, are galavanting off into multiple affairs. Yah, I get it, because I have totally done that myself too, and I guess that’s my point.. for the first time ever in 32 years.. my focus was solely on myself.  More people need to take a min and watch themselves. I have found when people do that, myself included, they find that they are not quite the person even they would have a relationship with.. never mind the judging aspect.

Anywayyy..! Here’s to more new adventures, potential new love, and not that I would mind another year of self enlightenment, but I would love to see myself actually putting these ideas to work, and proving that this year.. as lonely, and crazy, and wonderful as it was, made me someone even I want to be with.

Cheers!

i can’t make you love me if you don’t.

~ NewBeginnings ~ 2 Comments

“Some people are settling down, some people are settling, and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.” -Sex & the City

I refuse to settle.

And to clarify, I don’t see settling as in getting married or having children, or buying a house even.. any of that. Because, believe it or not, I want some of those things.. I want to love and be loved, but I know enough to wait for what is right for me. I refuse to do anything because of my age, or what society thinks I should be doing. Settling down for me is doing something for the mere reason that people, or society, expect it of you, not because you actually want to do it.

I especially believe this in terms of love. I have read in several places that people are in relationships for many reasons but not necessarily because of love. How sad is that!? I mean, if you think about it, we aren’t even friends with people because we genuinely like them or have anything in common.. many times it is a feeling of sheer obligation. I’ve also read a breakdown of the differences between love and obsession, lust, and control even. And honestly, this is why the divorce rate is 50%.

Don’t hate people, its a statistic. Fact. (in case you feel the need to read up on it, here’s a link for you) statistics

And also, in the 50% who stay married, only a fraction of those are together because of love. Now that is really sad.

As much as I LOVE living in a fantasy of romance and undying love, rom coms, and fairytales, (which, as many of you know, my likeness for these things is absolutely rediculous) I still understand, and learn everyday that love is more than convenience, expectation, practicality, being comfortable, and the idea of “I don’t think I can find anything better.” When I hear this, I want to kick a puppy. Is that what you really think? Or are you just being impatient? Lazy? Are you just plain scared of being vulnerable? These are the chances I am willing to take. Love is not “Well we’ve been dating 2 years, it’s time to get married.” Is it?! We’re talking forever here people.. do you realize this? Oh right, you can just get divorced.. because that’s a whole lot of fun I tell you.

Maybe it’s because I am part of that previously stated statistic and I refuse to add to it again. Maybe because of my previous ‘failure’ I finally understand what marriage actually means. Forever. I am slowing beginning to see, after physically seeing with my own eyes, so many people after me who got married, or divorced, or both even.. that marriage is no longer being taken seriously. It just becomes another ‘step’. Especially for those who are in long relationships.. hate me all you want for saying this, but maybe you aren’t supposed to get married.. maybe your long relationship is just that – a relationship you’ve had for a long time. I have been there, I know others who have been there too.. leaving relationships after 4, 8 years even. Marriage was not meant to be a ‘step’ it was, and is, meant for love.. not taxes, not babies, love. With love, comes the rest.. Maybe I’m trying too hard to explain this. But, maybe.. out of sheer hope, people will read and view life a little differently and actually take the time to fall in love vs just taking what they can get.

And yes, I’ve heard you critics, life now is not what life was back then.. blah blah.. The Bible is dated.. Society has changed.. That’s great, well if society has changed so much, then why are women, on average, still getting paid less then men? Why is there still discrimination? Why do families automatically expect children the minute people get married? Are you now going to argue on the basis of tradition? Exactly.. this is an on-going argumentative cycle. People may have changed, but feelings have not.

Love is a feeling, it is understanding. It’s compromise. Not in compromising yourself, but in finding compromise together. It’s being true to yourself and seeing truth in each other. It’s living as individuals, and bringing home your separate ideas to collaborate, or at least agree to disagree. It’s ever-changing.. because our lives are ever-changing. It’s loving all of someone including their imperfections.. not despite them. It’s allowing each other to be vulnerable because we all need to expose ourselves sometimes so we don’t feel shame. It’s about accepting that vulnerability because we all are victim to it.. It’s about not expecting strength and perfection at all times.

Love is about finding that person or people even, including friends, who see you for everything your worth, down to the bones. Vulnerable. Shameful. To be able to stand by you when you are not strong. Through imperfections. Love is not about knowing what buttons to push, but knowing why there are buttons at all. Love is truly unconditional.

And don’t get me wrong, of all the people I know who are married, with children, etc.. I know a few who are truly in love, who are together because of each other, not out of circumstance.. But I can count those couples on one hand.

Call me crazy, but no, I won’t settle, I refuse to allow myself to just be ‘comfortable’. I refuse to allow time, and society, and even friends and family, to create my boundaries. I refuse to be part of anything other than that 2% or so of the population who are together because of love.

Will I have to wait till I’m 80? Maybe. Will I be lonely? At times.. Will it be worth it? Yes.

theres only one way to go at this point right?

~ NewBeginnings ~ 2 Comments

I’m hoping its UP.

Is it possible to be living opposite of the rest of the world? Like when things are going well for me.. I notice more disappointment and frustration around me.. lots of bad days explained. And, of course, I am not going to begin divulging all my awesomeness about work, life, love, vacation planning, or whatever.. so I enjoy my happiness alone all the while waiting for the rest of the world to catch up so we can share stories.

But like all things, there is also an inverse. So in these moments of self-frustration, and slight-dissapointment in my life, why is it that everyone around me seems to be at the top of their game? I thought misery loved company?! So why is it I always seem to fall at the opposite end of this happy-sad seesaw party..? And of course I never want to make people miserable just so I can be happy again, so all my senses are confused all the time.

I blame it on my natural tendency to be different. I have never followed the pack, expectations, none of it. With being an individual, it sure hits home when I hear that it is lonely at the top. Little do “they” tell you, though (whoever “they” are..) that it’s sure as heck lonely at the bottom too.

And for those of you reading this who know me.. you’re probably all thinking.. “oh Posh.. why are you being overdramatic about small mishaps in your life?!” Well HA I just punked you, because not only have the recent Boston events crushed my little heart, but yah, random rom com moments have happened, disappointments even, but more so, what no one sees.. ok maybe just one person has seen it all with me.. and that person, I KNOW doesn’t think I’m being overdramatic.. because all I have to say to this love-of-my-life-bestie is “FOR REALS?! IS THIS REAL LIFE?! THIS TOO?! UGH.” It’s like my past and present decided to have a pillow fight. Like Carrie said, “The universe may not always play fair, but at least it’s got a hell of a sense of humor.” True story right there.

Because really, if I told everyone, everything that was going on in my life.. where would all my mystery go!? And that also turns into a whole lot of one-sided conversations.. and I don’t like talking to myself.. although it is rather interesting, it’s not nearly as educational or inspiring.

So point being, my inner-disapointments go far beyond what people see or hear from me on the daily. I guess thats an obvious, but you’d be surprised at how many times I’ve experienced an “I know everything about you” moment from people who can barely scratch the surface of the awesomeness that I entail.

Anyway, back to the original question in all this.. Is it possible to be living life opposite of the world? Living as the un-balanced? Is there a reason for this if thats the case? To always provide an opposing side maybe? To remind people that there is always better or worse? To keep other people balanced? I don’t know but I’ll tell you one thing, I surely hope that with all my current internal misery, I’m at least entertaining the rest of you.

Cheers!

“Sometimes life will grab you by the balls and that’s when you have to ask yourself, ‘Do I even have balls, and if so, why are there two?’” ~Chelsea Handler

he probably just isn’t into me at all.

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Sometimes I just do not understand myself.

Or maybe I just can’t be Posh without my plates. Thank goodness I pick them up in 4 days. Then maybe.. just maybe I’ll be a normal person again. Maybe.

Many of you have been reading my adventures for a while, and one in particular that really eats me up on the inside is this single life I currently live. Calling single life an adventure is definitely an understatement. It’s freaking c r a z y. And don’t get me wrong, I’m not all looking for marriage and babies tomorrow.. psshhh.. all I want is a possibility. Is that too much to ask?

Ok wait, I’m slightly digressing.. aside from these possibilities I’m apparently looking for, the issue here is in the first sentence.

For those who know me, my nickname Posh, suits me well. I’ve got some edge, some sass, and at times I’m bitchy. I have been known to break hearts. I’ve had my moments of picking, choosing, passing aside, throwing down ‘friend cards’ and even making them chase. I lived through my 20’s knowing that if I played it right, I only bought myself one drink out at a bar. Some may argue, well why even buy one if you are SO good? Well, the boys need to know what I’m drinking right? And that way they think I’m being nice instead of straight up acting like a mooch. Now don’t start judging.. because in the end, If I find someone worth it, I become the most loyal and loving person you’ve ever met. I have witnesses. I just have to weed out the crazies first.

Anyway, I’ve lost it. All of it. The past month or so, I’ve even been TRYING. What is this trying you say!? I’m still confused at the idea. I meet a cute guy and before I find out if they are gay, married, or taken with children, I am at a loss for words. I melt. I’m am 13yr old with High School crushes. I’ve become a Gigi. I fumble my sentences and turn red in the face. I’ve even been wasting a whole lot of money on my own drinks. Damn I tell you.

Maybe it’s karma.. the universe getting back at me in some sick way, taking away my ability to be picky.. but I just can’t wrap my head around the idea of my confidence being slightly damaged, or in more simple terms.. the idea of what the eff happened to me?! Where did Posh go? Where did my fearlessness run to?

I’ve spent 8 months not even batting an eye for the mere fact that I was so very happy to worry about nothing more than myself. But I guess it happens to the best of us.. when we aren’t looking.. someone always has to walk by.. twice.

Like it matters anyway because the best I can even come up with in a conversation is “I love French people”.

Right!? What does that even mean?! Ugh.

I’m just hoping for the best come Thursday, when Posh will be official in CA. Maybe the aura of my plates will ignite a new fire inside me. Maybe.

hello there, it’s nice to see me again.

~ NewBeginnings ~ 12 Comments

I am back. In more ways than one.

I took a mini hiatus from my blog. And although I was not nearly as generous in explanation as fellow blogger and writing superstar Jodi Ambrose was when she took a little break, 😉 I, myself was in hiding nonetheless. A lot has ensued over the past week or two.. or three even, and I have many drafts floating around that now make no sense to me. I was having a personal struggle, one that only few people knew about. This struggle of mine, has also brought ME back.

I was waiting and waiting to write a new post. Racking my brain on how and what I was going to say or explain about my situation. I had a lot of “I’ve become that person I criticize” moments. So many times did I want to spew out all my issues and try to release all the stresses building up. But honestly, not everyone needs to know my issues, not in specifics at least, and it was probably better that way. If I had blogged about it, the outcome would probably have been different. I would have felt that in expressing my emotions, it was enough to calm me down, and in the end I would not have pulled myself out of my hole.  As I have said many a time, my life is not terrible, and this situation is no different. There are plenty of worldly problems, cancers, diseases, and pain that take up people’s lives. For me, it was just a small moment of identity loss. But if this has ever happened to you, losing yourself is worse than losing your car keys.

For a few years, I was living a life that was rational and made sense. I had a great relationship, a job that pays bills, and amazing friends. Unfortunately, in all the rationality and sense that was being made, I was digging myself into a hole of self-doubt. I took a job I don’t like, and I gave up on myself and what made me happy. I was too busy focusing on making someone else happy. It’s no ones fault but my own, and knowing that was eating at me. Starting this blog was the beginning of me breaking free again, stepping outside the comfortable. My creative juices started to flow.. and I started to divulge into what was inside me. I thought about volleyball, I thought about coaching. I thought about martinis and running, and little black dresses. I thought about my family A LOT. I thought about home. I thought about my eccentricities that most people don’t understand with me, but that my friends love about me. I thought about being Posh. I thought about the expectations my parents had for me, and then I realized, my parents just expected me to be happy, and it was ME who was not living up to my OWN expectations.

I kept myself in a safe place. I moved along with societal expectations, got involved in “normal” to-do’s. My friends were starting to get married and they are now starting to have babies. The questions started popping up towards me, “So Kara, when will you.. ” So many times have I had to explain to people that marriage and kids, and houses and white picket fences, are not for me. This is hard for people to understand. Is it bad that I have a sense of ‘pride’ in being alone, single? And I’m not talking about being available here, but independent. The moment I realized I was not doing things for myself anymore, but rather for someone else, I started crumbling. The arguments of settling down and selfishness I know are out there, but if I don’t feel like I can stand on my own, how am I supposed to stand next to someone.. without them holding me up?

I’ve always had a stubborn independence in me. Call me crazy, but I’ve always seen myself in a ‘Melrose Place’ sort of complex, with a shared pool, meeting all my neighbors and having cocktails on our balconies. And when I retire, I see myself in FL with a whole lot of old people in a community having wine everyday at noon. Aside from all the alcohol, I see myself surrounded by people and being a part of a community. Like I mentioned, I don’t want to be alone, I just want to be me. I see myself visiting my nieces and nephews, seeing them on holidays, and being a role model. I see myself being successful at being unconventional. I see myself becoming a writer, a coach, a volleyball player again (most likely in an old people league, but playing nonetheless!). I see myself living by the ocean, making an impact to society, and changing people’s lives. I may not be able to change the world, but I can be the one positive influence in someone’s life that may change their perspective. Call me a dreamer, but I see these things.

I’ve always seen these things. Yet for some reason, I held them back the last few years. This past week however, after a text to a friend and a prayer, something happened. Those who know me will call it fate, but I had one of those “sometimes the-hardest-thing-and-the-right-thing-are-the-same-thing” moments. My mind was reeling, I could barely eat, my stress was through the roof, and I was making myself sick. But finally, after all the internal aching, it is over. I am free. I am ME.

I am not feeling good by any means where I am right now.. I feel like I lost my best friend. Yesterday was a miserable day. But now there is freedom to follow dreams and accomplish goals. Freedom to do better. Everyday that goes by is another new beginning. It will be hard, it IS hard, it will take time, and it will completely SUCK. But like all things, it will get better. I have to keep reminding myself of what I want.. That “life begins at the end of your comfort zone..”  and I can’t wait to get uncomfortable.

“It’s time to begin, isn’t it?
I get a little bit bigger, but then I’ll admit
I’m just the same as I was
Now don’t you understand
That I’m never changing who I am” ~Imagine Dragons