Tag: self aware

the most wonderful time of the year

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

It’s Birthdayyy Seasonnn! 🙂

I’m sure you newbies are wondering why the heck I enjoy ticking off another year of life off the tick-sheet, like it’s some kind of CELEBRATION?! Lmaooo well, another year, another New Beginning.

Birthday Season to me, as I know it is for others, is a time of reflection. Where were you this time last year? Where are you now? And not for anything, it doesn’t matter what happened or what you did. And this sounds cray coming from someone whose sole purpose in life is to travel and experience ALL THE THINGS. And I am so pumped of all the traveling and experiences I did/had the past year.

But what it really comes down to is.. Did you learn anything? About yourself, about others, about life? Anything? Did you at least learn what a good cup of coffee tastes like? Point is, I had a year of ups and downs almost as perfect as the dictionary can describe either action.

I started the first part of the year traveling, experiencing, feeling so free and determined, found passions in things, motivated to find a career with purpose. I struggled with a hint of heartache around May.. Then June happened.

Another loss in the family in the past 16mo. I didn’t talk about it much to you “outsiders” lol, but if you know anything about my family dynamic you understand. Losing my Nana last year was harder than ever expected, and this year was difficult in a different way. After having to be emotionally strong for others, I was off again traveling and experiencing things with no time to absorb the internal stress that was created. I know, white people problems, #sorrynotsorry.

Then mid-July came. I had already been struggling since June and been in therapy more than ever. That trip back “home” in June really took me to a place internally I never thought I’d have to deal with again. The resentment, anger, pain, other words that can’t nearly explain the emotional vomit that came flooding my insides. Through all this, I was still breaking my own heart thinking I could love someone enough to have them love me back (I know this is unrealistic and pathetic, stop judging). I shut my phone off for 2 weeks because the anxiety of seeing other people’s lives was actually painful.

Oh and the drinking – hahahaha I promise I don’t love drinking as much as I actually consumed during the summer months.

Depression set in. I barely got out of bed, except to drink, and work. Y’all are lucky if I showered. I was a complete and utter mess. Now mind you, I still trudged through life with a smile on my face, and did the only thing I know to do that makes me feel good. Give to others. Pep-talk? I’m there! Ride to the airport #obvi (I mean, I LOVE doing this anyway lol, lets be honest) Concert tickets? LETS DOOO THISSSS. Plane tickets?! I’ve given awayyyyy worseee.

And then fall and winter happened, and here we are! Lol, I know thats a huge zip through, but these past couple months started bringing the year into perspective.

I LEARNED:

1) It’s ok to not have a “good year” even though you still had MANY good things happen.

2) That although losses are difficult, whether in life, friendships, or relationships, those people and moments brought you here, and gave you understanding of something new.

3) People really do come and go as you need them. This pains my heart because I wish I could keep you all! But holding on too tight to anything: ropes, steering wheels, dog leashes, emotions.. lol, starts hurting more than letting go.

This is why I love Birthday Season, and join it with why I live by quotes – Someone, somewhere, has a way to put your emotions to words when you can’t.

They say (whoever they are) that “birthdays are good for your health.. people with more of them live longer.”

Sorry, lame joke, but for reals. This is why every year, every day, every moment, matters. We don’t know when our last day will be. All we know is now. So if you get another Birthday, CELEBRATE dammit! Hehehe

Reflect, learn, and be better. Not sure if you know this, but life isn’t a competition. What only matters is where each of us are going, and where our own paths lead us. Maybe thats why I love running, the only time to beat is what I ran last time. Me, my time.

Me, my life. You, your life.

Thankfully though, some of us will help and motivate each other through the next year. I love cheering at races and finish lines! I cry all sorts of happy tears, lol.

Be kind, celebrate yourselves, be present, and if you can, love, xoxo.

Cheers!

ghost of everyday pasts (unedited)

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

The holidays bring about many emotions. One in particular is, I mean, not unhealthy necessarily, but is one reason many people get depressed: Nostalgia.

Now don’t get me wrong, being nostalgic is wonderful in many cases, it reminds you of good times, times you often forget about in childhood, wonderful traditions that bring a warm fuzzy feeling.. But what people tend to forget when you blast yourself into the past is, that you’re not there anymore. I know that seems a little obvious, but this is something I realized more this year than any other year.

I read somewhere once, something along the lines of: It’s ok to feel.. immerse yourself in the emotion, then let it go, do not dwell, do not live there.

The holidays, however, we try and live there. And I mean, this can go all year long really, with any moment that triggers a memory, but the holidays we just feel more. It’s an emotional time in general. You remember times that you will never have again, people who have left, and warmth that never seems to feel as warm.

This by no means is a problem, hence, nostalgia.. but remember not to dwell, or linger, or live there. So many times we fall into the memory hole and forget the blessings in front of you. And thats not to say discount your feelings of the past, but for some reason, generally speaking, people are so fascinated by what happened yesterday, 3 years ago, or even when we were 2. I know I may have written about this concept before that: if you focus on yesterday, how will you make new friends, meet your soulmate, have babies even?! Those moments are now. Things are happening all the time, every second of every day.

I know there are fears of forgetting people, or even ourselves.. being afraid that once we leave this world our impact will be forgotten. The spirit of anyone who has lived any sort of life, lives on in what we do in their memory. Their impact on us is what lives on. My Nana, for example, I was missing her more than I ever expected recently. I’ll say the reason is because my anxiety was real bad this year. She was the one person in my life, from what I’ll always remember, that no matter how terrible we thought life was, and I mean, I remember when I was younger complaining about everything under the sun, from stupid boys, to high school angst.. and even when I got divorced and I was embarrassed at myself, and thought I was a miserable human being, she was always the person who would acknowledge the pain, the problem, but then remind me that I was stronger than any of those things. Her cup always runneth over, and she would always say things like, “well there’s nothing you can do about it now,” and “you’ll find something better,” or “I never worry about my Kara because she always figures it out.” Another was, “my Kara, always doing wonderful things,” lol. And all of that is paraphrasing obvi, because, it’s the past, we physically can’t remember every detail of every moment, so I’m sure I missed a lot in those conversations. And this is why we can’t live there, in the past, because even what we do remember is never 100% accurate. (Why live in a lieeee lol you get my point)

Anyway, I chose to keep that goodness in me and spread the same sort of ideals as she did. Now, is my execution as good as what I remember of Nana? Probably not, or maybe it’s better? I have no real way of knowing, but those moments impacted me enough to know that the way we view things can really affect how we react to them. And just as the fact of, “there’s nothing you can do about it now,” is so true about anything, even moments as recent as a minute ago. So just as Nana tried to instill in us that today is a new day, and tomorrow can even be better, that lives on, at least in me (to new beginnings!!). And if I make any sort of impact on others, that spirit continues on.

So bringing this full circle, when you find yourself lingering in moments that no longer spark joy, or even ones that do, remember that even good memories are selective, and come back and see what’s in front of you. Life comes in waves, and the things that no longer serve you, or even things that are just no longer relevant, always come back in some way. Let them pass, feel them flow through, all the good, all the bad, remember not to dwell, do not live there. Because before you know it, you’re either under water, or trying to swim back to shore. Just let it flow through, and enjoy the beautiful view that is in front of you.

In the spirit of the the holidays, stay present, my friends ❤

wheres miranda when i need her (unedited)

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Sex & the City – Season 2 Episode 10

One of my absolute favorite episodes because it truly explains how women are (many times) punished for their success. I know I’ve blogged about this concept before, but in the midst of Tswift’s The Man, and just my recent experiences, I was compelled to write about another sleeve of this double standard.

I go to a local bar.. it’s my very own Cheers.. everyone knows my name. I tip well, and have made some.. acquaintances, if you will. What fascinates me though, is even though I tip rather well (20-50% depending on the day) I do not get the same respect or treatment as male regulars. And mind you, I’ve been, and still am, a regular at many places, but this place in particular, I notice the difference.

Maybe because the type of bar it is? Maybe because the the traffic that comes through? I don’t know, but what I DO know is, when it’s busy I am patient and understanding, and I don’t let the busyness deter me from tipping well or taking it personal. But I also always notice other regulars who frequent this place.. almost all of whom are male.. are still always taken care of in a timely manner.

Now, don’t get me wrong.. women are different personality-wise by nature.. but is that any reason to take advantage of those qualities? I know for a fact I make the same, if not more, than many of those men who frequent this place, but yet, my dollar is undermined by the fact that I’m a female. Even by female staff no less!

Why does society hate successful women? Why must I BE understanding if I’m served after a man? Even fellow women can’t stand successful women! *face_palm* No one questions the man who shows up every night to have a cocktail and sits at the bar for a few hours, yet I receive looks and questions of why I’m there so often. This then turns into “jokes” which in turn just shows that women aren’t allowed to “act” like men.

HOW ABOUT WE JUST ACT LIKE PEOPLE. PEOPLE WHO HAVE STRESSFUL JOBS THAT MAKE THEM WANT TO DRINK.

I understand this post is slightly 2-fold: treatment and success. But many times it comes hand-in-hand. This even more frustrates me that I am constantly judged for both.

I don’t think there’s much moral to this story due to the fact that my situation, and the situations of other successful women won’t change overnight. But I guess use this as a reminder of inequality and societal stigma that is sadly still ingrained even in this new generation of “activists” and “free thinkers”.

It costs nothing to be kind.

✌🏻

i’m not easy

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Today I experienced first hand the idea that :

“It is easy to hate and difficult to love.” -Confucious

Love takes energy, time, patience, and work. With that:

“It’s a lot easier to be mad, then admit you are hurt.” – Anon.

Because again, to admit fault or hurt, takes energy.. work. We are all defensive in a way in order to protect our emotions, our pride. But what we forget is the capacity, even in all  the frustration, to maintain happiness.

There needs to be a constant reminder, that in the end, it is only ourselves who can make us happy. I’m going to assume most people have seen this video:

 

“..not coming to each other begging with our empty cups out, demanding that [you] fill my cup, and demanding that [you] meet my needs – it’s unfair and it’s kind of unrealistic and can be destructive to place the responsibility of your happiness on anybody other than yourself.”

I fell upon this video by accident, but the last few seconds really hit home, especially recently. I am one of, I’m sure many, who have been victim to allowing others to determine my happiness. I would get upset when others would “steal my happiness” because I never understood why anyone would take away, or try to, remove happiness from anyone. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure right? So let it be. But now I see a little clearer that those people who try and “take away” any kind of energy are just lacking in themselves. And this is not to say these people are terrible people, but it’s just a terrible cycle of emotion, holding pride, and building walls out of fear of feeling anything.

“If you are willing to look at another person’s behavior toward you as a reflection of the state of their relationship with themselves, rather than a statement about your value as a person, then you will, over a period of time, cease to react at all.” -Yogi Bhajan

YES.

Again, just another fantastic point that how people treat you, is almost never a reflection of you as a person, but in how they see themselves. This is a little sad to me, because I would always hope that we all have a level of wonderment towards ourselves. However, as many know, deep down most of us have.. issues, if you will. From self-esteem to self-awareness.

It’s in moments like these why I always end up hurting because, I am not easy. I love, Love. I like to work hard and show emotion. I choose patience over anger. I choose happiness.

❤

 

pros and cons.

~ NewBeginnings ~ 2 Comments

With all the changes I have experienced in the past month, as well as going deeper into single-dom.. I have found more interesting things about myself. Having nothing to do but think the past few weeks has made me understand what makes me interesting.. and here’s a short list of my findings.

Top 10 Reasons Why I’m AWESOME:

1. I am a realist. I like to present all sides and options of a situation because things CAN go terrible, but that CAN also go great! I, however, like to think of myself as more of an optimistic realist because, somehow, without even trying, I find good in everything and anything that happens. No matter how terrible the situation.

2. I am honest. I’m a terrible liar and I don’t see the point of not allowing yourself to express how you feel. Even if it doesn’t change a situation, honesty only creates more trust.

3. I am the  bestest  friend anyone can have. I value friendships because they are the only family I have. I am always there in need, even if I havent spoken to you in years.

4. I put others before myself. I naturally enjoy helping others. It could be something as important as work, or something as small as dinner. I know I will survive and can take care of myself  no matter the situation, so I let others go first.

5. I am independent. Just as I mentioned, I know how to survive and take care of myself. Aside from one instance, I have pretty much been able to figure shit out. Whether I had to couch hop and live out of my car, or not have cable/internet for years, I still paid my bills, did not go without food, and have always had a job.. and actually, a gym membership.. hmmm shows where my priorities are at. It’s ME who makes things happen.

6. Im a go-getter.I don’t wait for things to happen, or at least I don’t like to. I’m normally the one asking guys out, or making the first move. I don’t give up on job hunts and I always have a plan B, C, D, and however many other letters there are in the alphabet. I’ll take a set back, a road bump, I’ll even take being bad at something.. but I’ll at least do it. Because, “Even the biggest failure, even the worst most intractable mistake beats the hell out of never trying.” -Greys

7.  I’m half hippie. I’m a dreamer. Without dreams I would have no thoughts and no aspirations. I wouldn’t have known what I wanted to be when I grew up, or even what I want to be after I grow up. I believe in world peace and saving the planet. I believe everything that we call ‘life’ can change in a split second and therefore we should take nothing for granted.

8. I’m outgoing. I consider myself a good sort of crazy. I love experiencing new things and meeting new people. I’ll try anything at least once because “Life begins at the end of your comfort zone..” It’s the people in the world and the experiences you have that make life what it is.

9. I’m a hopeless romantic. I can make a personal rom com out of almost anything. I believe in love and everything it stands for. All-encompassing-butterfly-knots-stomach-churning-love. It’s that good kind of pain that makes you never want to let the other person go.. ever. And you’re happy.. forever.. because its a rom com. And I don’t care because I believe in all of it. I believe in someone finding me, and sweeping me off my feet. I believe in a good chase, a courtship, chivalry. As I mentioned, I usually make the first move because realistically, romance and chivalry are almost extinct. But that doesn’t mean I have to give up hope.

10. I’m hysterical. I love to laugh, even on the worst of days a good laugh makes it a little better. I am sarcastic in nature which creates the hysteria, and it makes for the best inside jokes. I can pretty much make anything funny if I think about it long enough. Heck, I’ve even made taking out trash a good time.

Top 10 Reasons Why I SUCK: 

1. I am a realist. I’m always able to see both or all sides of a situation. Sometimes, all that does is put me in the middle of arguments or leave people thinking I can’t make up my mind.

2. I am honest. Sometimes too honest and it comes across as being bitchy. I didn’t think it was possible, but apparently some people don’t like the truth. And guess what, I don’t care because who wants to live in a world full of lies?! (am I being too honest again? or is that bitchy?)

3. I am the  bestest  friend anyone can have. Sometimes so good of a friend that I get taken advantage of.. which happens, a lot. In turn, it makes me question the friends I have.

4. I put others before myself. Sometimes so much that I forget to take care of myself and I lose my priorities.

5. I am independent. Sometimes so much so that I push people away and end up alone.

6. Im a go-getter. Sometimes so ambitious that I come across as aggressive.

7. I’m half hippie. Not all dreams become reality, and it leads to others thinking I’m an airhead, stupid, live in a fantasy land, or have no goals.

8. I’m outgoing. Sometimes so outgoing that I intimidate people.

9. I’m a hopeless romantic. So much so that I don’t know if I can ever love again.. because “The castle, well it may not be a castle..” Rom-coms are great, but they are not necessarily realistic, so I just keep waiting.. I refuse to settle but I know how to compromise, and not everyone can see the difference.

10. I’m hysterical. Sometimes my sense of humor and natural light-ness come across as I don’t care or I don’t take things seriously enough. This judgment is untrue, I take many things seriously, I just do not see the point of making a situation somber that is serious.. because there IS a difference.

To think, this was my SHORT list.. Yes, I know I’m clever, but I’m also right. All amazing things about someone can also be their downfall, and vise versa. Perception is reality so we have to remember to humble ourselves occasionally (putting other before me) because we are different for a reason. I don’t want to like what you like, because its not necessarily what I like. And remember, we are not changing who we are, we are just looking to understand ourselves more (my hippie side) and the good in every situation. (my optimistic realism) 🙂