Tag: self

i love elephants, and theres one in the room

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Its name is 2020. Need I say more?

Well, I’m gonna! Lol

I was thinking this morning and chatting with my roommate about the past year, and we discussed not only how crazy this year has been.. But more so, how much can change, in so “little” time. By little, I mean anything from 1 month, to an entire year. And yes, a year is a small amount of time in the big picture of life. As I approach 30-10 (yes I will use this for as long as I can, and be annoying about it and I don’t care, bc I am not part of those people above 39) One year seems so small now – I’ve started looking at life in, like, 5 year increments. Point is, we talked about last year – and the beginning of this year (before pandemic lockdowns) and we reminisced about when I moved in, in April. Literally within a month, I searched for a new home, got denied for my current place because someone was already getting background checked, then getting a call that it fell through, and the place is mine after all!

Fast forward and here we are, 7 months later, and I can’t believe it’s almost been a year. On top of life events, we also talked about relationships.. And as we approach another new year, I realized I have not done the same thing, or spent time with the same people 2 years in a row for New Years. I literally looked back at my socials and checked every New Years I celebrated since moving to SoCal, and the closest I got to spending time, or celebrating with the same people would be 2014 and 2016 (I think? I cant remember anymore, all I remember was there was a year gap in between) I spent New Years with one of my cousins and that group of friends. Then again 2018 and 2020, I celebrated with friends and one friend in particular was there both years. But even then, both events were very different and the people involved were even more different, aside from the one familiar face.

I don’t know if this is the same for all you reading, but my life in particular, clearly revolves around meeting new people all the time, creating new connections, friendships, and sadly weaning out those who no longer keep my soul on fire.

I even think back to a particular Birthday of a wonderful person, who I no longer really connect with anymore.. but I spent about $200 if I remember correctly, on this person for her Birthday. She never had a Spa/Massage experience, and I wanted to give that gift of experience for her. Some people thought I was a little crazy as I had only known this person maybe a year at this point, but we had gown closer the past couple months – and I distinctly remember saying something along the lines of: You never know what is going to happen tomorrow, I may never celebrate another Birthday with her again, so I’m taking advantage of time now, and just the mere fact that I can afford such gift, because THAT could be the change in coming years as well.

I also remember the faces of the people I said this to. I wish we could be constantly reminded of that idea, because literally within 3 months of that Birthday, I broke up with a mutual friend I was dating, tension arose, and then a separate issue of mis-communication happened.. and here we are no longer close, lol.

As I was thinking about these events this morning within my roommate chat, I somehow got so excited for tomorrow, I actually started to tear up. Because as much as the unknown scares me.. i.e. this is why I’m still single, (bc the thought of losing someone in a blink of an eye is scarier than knowing it could be forever) I ABSOLUTELY LOVE the idea and fact that anything is possible tomorrow.

And I know I have blogged about this in the past – but I think with all that has happened this year.. the excitement, and hope, and faith in the future is just emotional for me right now. Maybe because I just want to manifest so much for myself and those I love. Maybe because I’ve felt lonely for the first time, in a LONG time, and knowing the possibilities are endless in meeting new people or even reuniting with people from days before. And not that I’m saying going back to exes is ever a good idea, but truth be told, I have a handful of “loves lost” that are very good friends, and it’s wild to think back to the person I was then vs the person I am today.

That’s the thing with connections.. they are just THERE. You can’t quite explain it, the same way as when there ISN’T a connection. And sometimes, as we have read in all the clichéd quotes, sometimes, you meet people for a reason, a season, and whatever else comes next.. but you get my point.

As I start to think about how to close out this random-ass post, that I just decided to do because: 1) its literally been almost a year since my last post, and 2) we are headed into the season of giving and gratefulness – I guess I want to make sure ya’ll get something out of this.

So long story, a little longer – as I was looking at the past year, it was also a bit upsetting. This time last year, I was invited to go to Bali. This time last year I was booking hotel and airfare to Boston for one of my most favorite peoples wedding. 90% of 2019 was an adventure and I finally felt like I was learning who I was. I had posts going into December, then January (Birthday Season!), about how busy 2020 was already turning out to be. I planned a small Birthday outing because Europe 2020 was supposed to be the plan for the 30-10 celebration. Everything was cancelling from that point on.

But on a recent zoom meeting at work, first question was: how are you feeling? One of the next questions was about how to improve culture, and one of my favorite people made me rethink the year. She said (and I paraphrase here): Although its been a tough year, there was still SO MUCH good. We had people making babies, having babies, getting married, buying homes, getting engaged – and that was just people from work!

I thought about this personally, I ALSO had friends having babies, buying land and building homes, and making huge moves like I did at 31 to another state to see what else is out there in the world. There was good, lots of it. It was just hidden by the loud screams of society. And by screams, I mean the non-factual, negative, shouting from many different sides on many different issues. When it comes to important issues, its one thing to debate, argue even.. FACTS – but its another to just yell opinions with no basis of truth. If you know anything about me – I love facts! I love truth. Because whether we like it or not, facts and truths allow people to make decisions. And its nothing we can challenge. This is also why I love emotions – dem betches don’t lie.

Moving on, point of that last story share, is that all these small details, I assume are the reason for this newfound hope and optimism. Because there is still good no matter how bad anything seems. And to bridge all these points, its the people that help bring us there.

Look at who is around you, what’s that saying? You are who your closest 5 friends are.. (or whatever) Who are those people!? Are they good support systems? Do they challenge you? Is there anyone you have learned from? Should you reach out to them again if they fell of your life wagon? Is there someone you need to push OFF the wagon?! Are there people fueling your fire? Or are they stealing your heat to improve their own flame and leave you cold?

As we close out one of the most turbulent years most of us have ever experienced, remember its been proven that people and community are what keeps people happy and provide longevity. This is a great time, if you don’t already, to revisit wants and needs – and the people behind them. Because again, the only constant in life is change. And as scary as that is for me – mainly my fear of losing people – I do truly feel so good about what’s to come because life can change in a millisecond. I am choosing to view that as a positive, and I hope y’all absorb that energy in whatever aspect of your life needs it.

I will now leave you with my screenshot below where my message transcends people and describes all aspects of life, work, hobbies, etc.. ❤ Can’t wait for more of those conversations.

Cheers!

the most wonderful time of the year

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

It’s Birthdayyy Seasonnn! 🙂

I’m sure you newbies are wondering why the heck I enjoy ticking off another year of life off the tick-sheet, like it’s some kind of CELEBRATION?! Lmaooo well, another year, another New Beginning.

Birthday Season to me, as I know it is for others, is a time of reflection. Where were you this time last year? Where are you now? And not for anything, it doesn’t matter what happened or what you did. And this sounds cray coming from someone whose sole purpose in life is to travel and experience ALL THE THINGS. And I am so pumped of all the traveling and experiences I did/had the past year.

But what it really comes down to is.. Did you learn anything? About yourself, about others, about life? Anything? Did you at least learn what a good cup of coffee tastes like? Point is, I had a year of ups and downs almost as perfect as the dictionary can describe either action.

I started the first part of the year traveling, experiencing, feeling so free and determined, found passions in things, motivated to find a career with purpose. I struggled with a hint of heartache around May.. Then June happened.

Another loss in the family in the past 16mo. I didn’t talk about it much to you “outsiders” lol, but if you know anything about my family dynamic you understand. Losing my Nana last year was harder than ever expected, and this year was difficult in a different way. After having to be emotionally strong for others, I was off again traveling and experiencing things with no time to absorb the internal stress that was created. I know, white people problems, #sorrynotsorry.

Then mid-July came. I had already been struggling since June and been in therapy more than ever. That trip back “home” in June really took me to a place internally I never thought I’d have to deal with again. The resentment, anger, pain, other words that can’t nearly explain the emotional vomit that came flooding my insides. Through all this, I was still breaking my own heart thinking I could love someone enough to have them love me back (I know this is unrealistic and pathetic, stop judging). I shut my phone off for 2 weeks because the anxiety of seeing other people’s lives was actually painful.

Oh and the drinking – hahahaha I promise I don’t love drinking as much as I actually consumed during the summer months.

Depression set in. I barely got out of bed, except to drink, and work. Y’all are lucky if I showered. I was a complete and utter mess. Now mind you, I still trudged through life with a smile on my face, and did the only thing I know to do that makes me feel good. Give to others. Pep-talk? I’m there! Ride to the airport #obvi (I mean, I LOVE doing this anyway lol, lets be honest) Concert tickets? LETS DOOO THISSSS. Plane tickets?! I’ve given awayyyyy worseee.

And then fall and winter happened, and here we are! Lol, I know thats a huge zip through, but these past couple months started bringing the year into perspective.

I LEARNED:

1) It’s ok to not have a “good year” even though you still had MANY good things happen.

2) That although losses are difficult, whether in life, friendships, or relationships, those people and moments brought you here, and gave you understanding of something new.

3) People really do come and go as you need them. This pains my heart because I wish I could keep you all! But holding on too tight to anything: ropes, steering wheels, dog leashes, emotions.. lol, starts hurting more than letting go.

This is why I love Birthday Season, and join it with why I live by quotes – Someone, somewhere, has a way to put your emotions to words when you can’t.

They say (whoever they are) that “birthdays are good for your health.. people with more of them live longer.”

Sorry, lame joke, but for reals. This is why every year, every day, every moment, matters. We don’t know when our last day will be. All we know is now. So if you get another Birthday, CELEBRATE dammit! Hehehe

Reflect, learn, and be better. Not sure if you know this, but life isn’t a competition. What only matters is where each of us are going, and where our own paths lead us. Maybe thats why I love running, the only time to beat is what I ran last time. Me, my time.

Me, my life. You, your life.

Thankfully though, some of us will help and motivate each other through the next year. I love cheering at races and finish lines! I cry all sorts of happy tears, lol.

Be kind, celebrate yourselves, be present, and if you can, love, xoxo.

Cheers!

wheres miranda when i need her (unedited)

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Sex & the City – Season 2 Episode 10

One of my absolute favorite episodes because it truly explains how women are (many times) punished for their success. I know I’ve blogged about this concept before, but in the midst of Tswift’s The Man, and just my recent experiences, I was compelled to write about another sleeve of this double standard.

I go to a local bar.. it’s my very own Cheers.. everyone knows my name. I tip well, and have made some.. acquaintances, if you will. What fascinates me though, is even though I tip rather well (20-50% depending on the day) I do not get the same respect or treatment as male regulars. And mind you, I’ve been, and still am, a regular at many places, but this place in particular, I notice the difference.

Maybe because the type of bar it is? Maybe because the the traffic that comes through? I don’t know, but what I DO know is, when it’s busy I am patient and understanding, and I don’t let the busyness deter me from tipping well or taking it personal. But I also always notice other regulars who frequent this place.. almost all of whom are male.. are still always taken care of in a timely manner.

Now, don’t get me wrong.. women are different personality-wise by nature.. but is that any reason to take advantage of those qualities? I know for a fact I make the same, if not more, than many of those men who frequent this place, but yet, my dollar is undermined by the fact that I’m a female. Even by female staff no less!

Why does society hate successful women? Why must I BE understanding if I’m served after a man? Even fellow women can’t stand successful women! *face_palm* No one questions the man who shows up every night to have a cocktail and sits at the bar for a few hours, yet I receive looks and questions of why I’m there so often. This then turns into “jokes” which in turn just shows that women aren’t allowed to “act” like men.

HOW ABOUT WE JUST ACT LIKE PEOPLE. PEOPLE WHO HAVE STRESSFUL JOBS THAT MAKE THEM WANT TO DRINK.

I understand this post is slightly 2-fold: treatment and success. But many times it comes hand-in-hand. This even more frustrates me that I am constantly judged for both.

I don’t think there’s much moral to this story due to the fact that my situation, and the situations of other successful women won’t change overnight. But I guess use this as a reminder of inequality and societal stigma that is sadly still ingrained even in this new generation of “activists” and “free thinkers”.

It costs nothing to be kind.

✌🏻

can I use expletives?

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Because I would love to.

I had a conversation with a co-worker just the other day, and almost blogged at that very moment. We were talking about the many “changes” I am going through, “updates” if you will. And he asked, “Why do you care so much about what other people think?!” (It was more a stern statement, like, “Kara, WTF”) Because I have kept most a secret.. hence all my phases and reveals lol. This in turn made me think of my most favorite quote:

IMG_5513

I know I’ve posted this before, and talked about it, but it is all too relevant. Because yes, this is why I keep things to myself sometimes – People ruin beautiful things.

And by “ruin beautiful things”, our conversation continued into the terrible-ness of society and how if we walked into the mall at that very moment in our suits, we would be treated WAY differently than our weekend clothes. We are judged. All The Time. This co-worker also owns a home, and when he first moved, he received questions from his neighbors of: “Oh who owns this property? Or blatant “Are you renting?” Low and behold the shocked faces when he states he owns it. Even worse, when they ask what he does for a living and he answers.. their expressions turn into “ooohhhh ok, makes sense.” MAKES SENSE?!

I rent, and I am 8 years older than said co-worker (but look 10 years younger, lol). So my question is, why is it that a 20-something yr old can’t own a home without having to explain how, or why? Why can’t people just understand that there are 20yr olds who started saving at 16 or even 45yr olds who may never be able to afford owning property at all?! You realize there are 7.5 BILLION people in this world. Another twist! I’ll bet you right now, you find millions 30yr old divorcee’s with NO CHILDREN. And more so millions of 18-20yr olds married with kids. So why does the “average” person make assumptions and judgements based on looks/age?

Why must we always have to explain ourselves? And why are there SO MANY discriminatory ideas of age!? I understand there are laws of the land, but these societal judgements have nothing to do with laws.. but more so media. It has been engrained in our minds that life is only “good” a certain way. Even these millennial/gen Z-ers who have coined the phrase “living my best life.” Are you though? Or are you just trying to blend in with the sheep?

People are so concerned with – Status-Quo – that they forget there are souls in each and every one of us. To use myself as an example, I look about about 10+ years younger than my actual age. Judgements against me go two ways:

  1. People are fascinated by the fact I look absurdly younger than my actual age. They see this as endearing, and that I take care of myself. I am also a fountain of knowledge, so until they realize my actual age, I’m just making 20yr olds look good lol. Also, I’ve only ever dated 2 guys older than me.
  2. I’ll be adulting.. like when I was buying a car, I was being treated like the 21yr old I look like. I had to be one of those people who are like.. LISTEN. I’M XX YEARS OLD. DON’T BS ME. Then attitudes change quick. From my job, to my age, attitudes always seem to change, for better or worse.

This is why I keep things to myself, because I’m tired of society judging me. I’m doing some things that, “don’t make sense”. Well hey, wanna know what’s better than Society’s Opinion?! MINE.

Honestly though, I feel bad for people who are actually in their 20s – I work with a lot of them. Because I can at least verify myself as NOT being one of them, to provide the “perception” that I’m not an idiot? Seriously.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!

Not that any of my words will change any of you reading this, but can we just take a step back every once in a while? Can we just see people for WHO THEY ARE?

For what their eyes say?

What their hearts feel?

What dreams they have, and values they hold on to?

Their actions?

I get we are in an electronic age, but lets start opening books again based on the story and words within the pages.. not the cover.

Remember what happens when we assume..?

 

❤

 

 

 

stop listening

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

You know that saying:

ears

Yah, yah – we need to listen more than we talk.. and this is interesting really.. because it is a valid point to this post. I was going to dive into the idea that we need to STOP listening to others so much, and more of ourselves.. but this is a great point to note that people also need to STOP talking so much too.

mouthclosed

I guess with one truly comes the other.

I learned recently during what I like to call another “episode” of the Darkest of Times, and what a friend calls a “spring-crisis”, (or whatever season this seems to happen on) that for as much as I preach to myself to.. well.. listen to myself, I tend to take what others say more into consideration. And I’m not saying a second opinion isn’t worth it, but why are we always looking for that second opinion at all? Or worse, why are people giving us second opinions when we don’t want them? I know that when people care, they challenge us, to make us think outside ourselves or from a different perspective. And of course, I’m not saying that challenging an idea isn’t helpful either, but the people in our lives are supposed to support us. << Was that enough emphasis there? Lol.

And I understand that in supporting each other, we also need to challenge each other, however, many times we don’t realize, that sometimes people just need support. And to be listened to.

That’s it.

Sometimes an opinion is not what anyone is looking for. Many times, we already know the answer. Whether or not we want to act on those answers is another story.. but the point is, we know ourselves better than most. There may be a handful of people that border on “osmosis-through-the-brain” and may see things that we may have overlooked, but in the end, if we all sit in a dark room alone, we know or feel our truth.

I’m a feeler as we know (however creepy that may sound, lol) so the one thing I realized the past two weeks is that people kept providing me with logical answers. Answers from the brain, if you will. I’m not against my brain, but in my experience, when I have lived through my emotions vs my brain, I always end up happier.

My life-answers are always from the heart. My brain is only useful during actual logical situations.. like driving, following the rules of the road, work, professionalism, math, science. You get my drift. But at any time that matters of life are involved, for me, there is no truer way to live other than from your heart. Your instincts never let you down, even if you fall on your face. I’ve asked guys out, I’ve moved across the country, I’ve quit jobs, gone on last-minute road trips or flights to nowhere. So many of these emotion-driven decisions that resulted in some anxiety and stress, lol BUT ALSO c r a z y,  wonderful times ❤

And the crazy-wonderful is what I live for. I clearly have always figured it out. I can still feed myself, pay my rent, and clothe myself. But somewhere in the last two weeks, I thought it was better to use my brain than my heart. Sadly, and I guess, OBVI – it did not make me happy. I’m a giver, I’m a helper, I’m the worlds biggest supporter. I NEED to be there for people, even if they aren’t there for me. Does that make me crazy? I say no. It just makes the other people look bad. boom.

Long story, short. Stop listening.

Stop listening to the outside noises. Stop listening to your friends, your family, your co-workers. Yes, they are trying to help, and yes you can consider those ideas, but in the end, you are going to do whatever it is you will do anyway. So long as you accept those consequences – which I love, because that means I own my life – then live your best life for you.. and your heart.. and leave your brain on the kitchen table every now and then.

listentoyourheart

❤

 

priorities.

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Aside from my overly-optimistic mindset going into this new year, hilariously enough, this could be considered to NOT be one of my best years as of yet.

From a large addition to my workload in January, sickness when it was most inconvenient right after my vacation in February, then losing my grandmother at the end of Feb/early March, and down to the seriously painful fire of shin-splints, while trying to train for my first 10k. Which is in 5 weeks, mind you, and these shins are only allowing me to run 3days/week if I’m lucky. It’s like I can’t catch a break. Yet – when anyone asks.. I keep saying that considering my “small bumps” in the road, things are wonderful.

And really, I know several people who would hide in a hole if all these things happened at the same time – but I’m still – eh life is good. Lol.

Recently I think I have come full-circle on something though. And my “benefit-of-the-doubt” attitude struggles with this, but then again, I can only control myself when it comes to being “busy” or not “having time.”

I say this because someone who I think is wonderful keeps putting off plans. And as much as I know the time constraints of this particular person, I keep thinking of a time, far, far, away.. like last year, lol – when this happened with someone else.. and it fell into the idea below:

priority

I was not a priority.. and maybe this is happening again. BUT.. this full-circle..

I read, and re-read this, 1) because I love it, and 2) because this was happening to ME! And I wasn’t even noticing it! For me however, it was that I was focusing my attention to things I didn’t consider priorities. That last line pulls at my heart strings:

“Changing our language reminds us that time is a choice. If we don’t like how we’re spending an hour, we can choose differently.”

THIS. 

I was not doing things, because I “didn’t have time.” But in reality, I was not prioritizing properly. I let insignificant things get in the way.

Time. Is. A. Choice.

And this Easter weekend, whether it be the Lord’s rising or the Universe’s full moon, something came over me and I remembered what my priorities were. At least some of them. Like ice cream. For reals tho.

Anyway, as I was thoroughly enjoying myself, and making myself a priority this weekend, it brought me back to other people. Is this a situation of forgetting that time is a choice? Possibly. Or am I just not the priority after all? Maybe. I know last year that was the case. But if I have learned one thing in finance it’s that, “Past performance is no guarantee of future results.” And because I know all situations are relative, that comment is fairly accurate (generally speaking) in that your past does not control your future. Or it shouldn’t at least, because we can always make a new decision, change, beginning. Especially if the past involves a complete and separate entity than what is currently in the present/future.

So with all the static that has happened already in the first 3 months of 2018, the only thing that has made this year mediocre at best, was me forgetting my priorities. Otherwise, it’s still been amazing. Because with recent events, it forced me to take a step to the side, (we never go back people!) and stop for a second to remember who I am and what makes my heart happy. I started focusing on what I “used” to love. Or more like, what I have always loved.. but I just started making time for them again.

It all comes down to the idea that – to be your own priority is to never be someone else’s option.

Time. Is. A. Choice.

Choose wisely my friends.

Cheers!

selfie sunday

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I sat at the beach this morning.. like I do many weekend mornings after, what I like to call Brunch but, what most would call Breakfast. The minute I sat down, the view took my breath away – honestly this happens a lot. And all I wanted to do was take a photo or some awesome contemplation-by-the-water-selfie to share. Because it’s moments like these where my coined hashtag #myeverydayisyourvacation is perfect.

But then I thought, “lol – am I just being an asshole every time I post that?” I try not to think I am, but I can definitely see how some people might be all “Oh look at her again.. this ocean in her back yard, brunch on the weekends, blah blah, life is perfect.”

And then, if you know anything about me, my next direct thought was: “oh who gives a sh*!” Lol

But for reals, none of my photos came out nearly as wonderful as what my eyes could see anyway. It was SO CLEAR to the North – I could literally see every beach-city landmark from Redondo to Malibu. And all my senses were taking in the, blue-r than normal, water and the warm sun hugging me in the cool breeze.

Thats where a new thought came to mind that one of my fave IG pages posted:

IMG_5115

I’ve had this conversation with many a people – but this here, entirely describes what we have become, and hopefully where we are going. Back to living our lives without justification. And don’t get me wrong, to share some amazing experiences is one thing, but to blast social media with “proof” of what you are doing on the daily is another.

It was a sign when all my tried photos failed. I didn’t need to share this with anyone, it was ME time. And for the next 32 minutes (I know that’s pretty exact, but when you live where meters run your plans, you understand lol) I lost track of time because I put my phone away, and the only reason I even looked at it was to check time.. because.. meters people!

Point is, I am blessed. I have the Pacific Ocean in my back yard at my disposal people, my backyard! Ok well, 1.5mi from my doorstep, but you get the idea. I run here, I meditate here, there are cafes and brunch spots. Sea breezes and sunsets. I literally live where people vacation, and I’m sad to admit, I get annoyed at the tourists. Stop littering in my backyard!

Anyway, my “normal” life may seem to be a sort of extreme to some, with this image of a SoCal lifestyle, but for me this is more than I ever imagined. Just 5 years ago, my plane landed (an hour late!) in the middle of the night, in the rain. I left the only life my adult-self knew. Right out of a 5yr relationship, and being 31yr old. People thought I was crazy. I thought I was crazy! I only had 3k to my name. No job, no home. If you have followed me all these years, you know the story.

So to find myself sitting, with the views that I have, and the access that I have to something SO amazingly beautiful, maybe it’s these moments we don’t need to bombard social media with. Because not everyone knows or understands where I have come from.

Because what’s another favorite to share?:

tell no one

People ruin beautiful things. I did my best to live this mantra ^^ this year.

I’m still going to try and live this way, year after year. In life, we only have so many people who we actually care to know our lives. Knowing this, why must we share everything to the masses? If you live properly, share amazing experiences, and create an impact, your story gets told by those closest to you. It is shared, and it’s for the world to find out naturally – not forced.

So live my friends! Live for yourselves. And don’t let people ruin your beautiful things.

 

❤

 

I wish you all #9

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

As some of you may know, I just came back from an enlightening trip to the Philippines. This was my first international trip, and I’ll be blogging specifically about that, hopefully soon.

During lunch today with a dear friend, however, I was re-living all my experiences and explaining all that I had seen. There are many, many things that I took away from this trip, and as we were immersed in conversation, per usual, the conversation turned to relationships. And by “relationships” I mean we discussed all types: friendship, societal expectations, family, and of course, romantic. It was, and still is difficult to explain properly in words all I experienced, but in terms of relationships, especially being “officially, officially” single for months now, (I finally let go after months of emotional suicide) there was sort of a fire re-ignited inside me about where I am and where I am going.. #hopelessromantic

While on vacation, I was in the midst of several conversations about relationships. In addition, I was able to observe a whole new culture of relationships. And coincidentally, on one of the last days, I was sifting through my FB looking over all the posts I was tagged in – and fell into my About Me page.. totally forgot about that.. like, does anyone have stuff filled out in there anymore? Apparently I do! Within this About Me page, there is a Quotes section in which I found this:

“from a blog titled: 10 Decisions that Change Your Life
#9. When you love who you actually love. I know it’s a simple observation, but one day it just hit me that people aren’t always together because they love each other. There are a thousand different reasons people get (and stay) together and some of them can be the farthest thing from love. If this is your truth, change it. Go love who you actually love. If you don’t know who that is yet, keep living, they will come.”

I don’t know why, but this hit me like that rock in shallow water that blew up my ankle on day 2 of vacation. Lol – Anyway, in terms of romantic relationships, I’m there. Or should I say, I’m STILL there. And honestly, if I look back far enough, I think I blogged about this in the past also. This is clearly a reoccurring theme in our society, (as that blog was posted in 2013 and it still rings true today) and I’m sure in most personal lives, not just mine. The funny thing this time, is that this gave me an, almost inappropriate, wave of hope. In life there are cycles, good and bad, good and bad.. but when it comes to matters of the heart, we for some reason refuse, or more so have a difficult time, removing the “bad”. We choose to hold on mainly because of fear of the unknown (which I point out later in this post). I remember being partially annoyed when I first read this back in 2013, because I kept seeing/hearing so many people complain about their relationships (which still happens today, of course) and when I would challenge them, it always came back to some strange conversation of: “I can’t find anyone else”, “I hate being single”, “But we’ve been together x amount of years”, or worse, “I have kids” (and this is not specific to married people btw).

The kid one, though, hurts my soul constantly. Probably because I come from divorced parents. And maybe I was just a super smart 2yr old, but I learned my parents were happier without each other, and thats all that mattered. There were no more fights. We were more a family separated than together. Like, you think your kids are thrilled when they see the two people who are supposed to be in love argue, bicker, and fight? How is that a healthy representation for your children to learn love? Instead they grow up with a sense of cynicism rather than understanding that patience, and not settling for anything less than happiness, is what they should strive for. What if your child was in your relationship? Would you want your daughter or son to be cheated on? Would you want your child to fight with their spouse/significant other on a daily basis and watch their unhappiness? Who wants that!? I don’t even want that for my friends, never mind loved ones.

On top of that, I learned a lot of life lessons. I learned that sometimes things just don’t work out, sometimes you make bad decisions, sometimes we just aren’t patient enough to wait for the right person because society pressures you, sometimes the person you love doesn’t love you back. And sometimes, it’s just that you realize it’s not a fairytale – and that’s ok, because in some instances, with patience, understanding, and communication, you can create or even re-invent your own story of love and happiness.

 

  • side note – I understand that with relationships it’s not black & white, and there are a multitude of things we can dig into: past and present personal issues, struggles, communication, and even love languages, to help some people love and continue to love. But my focus here is the generalization of how people get into and stay in relationships without love to begin with, and to challenge and question: WHY!?

 

And I mean, lets be real, the divorce rate is a clear representation that people get and stay together for many reasons other than love. Maybe it’s not so much of a bad thing after all – because so many people end up finding their “true love” in later years. But imagine if we all were just a little more patient.. we could have found that person earlier perhaps, and spent more wonderful years together.

I, myself, am also a wonderful divorcé – and maybe it’s because I went head-first into fear that I learned what real love is. Because that’s all it is essentially – FEAR. We are all afraid of being alone so we settle. We are even afraid because, WHAT IF IT DOESN’T WORK OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE?! << Funny how that is a fear, yet many times we are dealing with something that isn’t working out! But that last line in that post: “If you don’t know who that is yet, keep living, they will come.” They will! The problem is patience with timing.  If some of us just waited another day, another year or two, or three even, we could be with that love. We could have that story, and it may even resemble a fairytale.

So, my friends, I wish you #9 – and if you get a chance, click the link and check out the rest of the blog post – it’s a nice quick read and a wonderful reminder that although we may not have control over life, we can control ourselves, and how we react to it.

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” -Lao-Tzu

Love and be loved, my friends.

❤

 

i want ice cream..

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Why..

Why is it there are times when we just don’t feel adequate. And I say feel – 1) because I’m naturally an emotional person, and 2) because it IS just a feeling, isn’t it?

I look in the mirror and I think I’m one of the most beautiful people in this world. My friends think I’m weird because when I cry, I always think thats when I’m the most beautiful. Not because it’s sad and sort of deep moment, but because my eyelashes stay up! amiright?! And if there is one thing I consider my favorite thing about myself it’s my eyes. And they are just an ordinary middle-range brown, but I don’t know, I just love them. They always seem to sparkle in the sun.

We should all think like this of ourselves right? Then why is it, the minute I leave my mirror, or my personal sense of self, and I look around me.. I all of a sudden sink? Why?

What is it about other people, or societal expectations, that can get inside you? And this is coming from a person who refuses to live by anything related to society – and yet, there are moments where I feel the strain, especially when it comes to my sense of self.

I literally went from confidently-tired from being busy at work, to that sort of depressive tired.. and I know y’all know what I’m talking about. Like I just wanted to go eat a pizza garnished with ice cream, and go to bed. Thankfully in my old age – lol – or really just practice and experience, I have learned to not fall into that hole as often. I went to Starbucks, got a salad and a bag of chips, and studied for about an hour and a half.

But then I got home. And I played CandyCrush for like another hour 😐

Ugh. It was just a sunken moment of not wanting to feel or think. I almost felt like I couldn’t stop playing that stupid game because it kept me preoccupied and my mind numb. Just dizzying pieces of candy to take away this gross feeling of not being enough. Where it came from I have no idea, but it happens every so often. Iv’e even asked my bestie for help one other time it happened, asking: “How, when you feel good about yourself, how do you keep that momentum all day/week/month/LIFE?!” Her response: “I guess just try not to get caught up in all the external shit that happens, and makes you feel like you’re not enough.”

That external shit. Thats what I’m talkin about. Go away!

Anyway, I looked at myself in the mirror after that lame ass, sort-of-personally-embarrassing-to-admit-hour of CandyCrush. And you know what I saw? My eyeballs. I thought to myself, there you are, you beautiful unicorn.. Now if I could only find a way to bubble-wrap this feeling and keep me safe from the outside world..

 

❤

 

 

Here’s to the man..

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Who at around 8yr old told me: “It doesn’t matter that you are a girl, you can do whatever you want as long as you work hard enough.” (this might be super cheese, but I literally tell myself this almost every day.. especially recently)

And at 20 before I made a terrible decision to get married, when my ex asked my father for my hand in marriage, my dad responded: “I don’t know why you’re asking me, if Kara wants to marry you, she will, if she doesn’t, she won’t. She will do whatever she wants.”

And most recently in the past year, while my dad was visiting, we had lunch with a couple friends of his.. who of course asked: “Is she seeing anyone? Married?” My dad Responds: “Why does she need to be married? You don’t need to be married to be happy nowadays.” They then come back with a: “How will she have children?!” (If you know me at all, I pissed myself laughing here) My fathers response? “She doesn’t need to be married to have children, if she wants children she will have them.” The conversation continued with how I’m happy and that’s all that matters.

And here’s to the man who told me once to never date a man like him, because he knew his flaws and wanted better for me. I understood what he was saying here, as I lived through it.. However, I would definitely appreciate someone who is also as open about their flaws, who understands that mistakes do not make us who we are, and that everyday is not perfect.

A man who is definitely not a traditional father – and even through a childhood of slight turmoil and young adulthood of distress, I still learned from this man that I do not need a boyfriend, a spouse, a job, children, money, or any other societal expectation to define me. I define me.

Happiest of Fathers Day to my daddio who is my biggest supporter and definitely helped nurture my independent-bitchy side Lol – And who will always be a reminder that it is I who makes my life, and to make sure I’m happy with all that I put in it, because it is also me, who has to deal with it.

Thanks Dad for making me want to work hard everyday 🙂