Tag: reminder

i love elephants, and theres one in the room

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Its name is 2020. Need I say more?

Well, I’m gonna! Lol

I was thinking this morning and chatting with my roommate about the past year, and we discussed not only how crazy this year has been.. But more so, how much can change, in so “little” time. By little, I mean anything from 1 month, to an entire year. And yes, a year is a small amount of time in the big picture of life. As I approach 30-10 (yes I will use this for as long as I can, and be annoying about it and I don’t care, bc I am not part of those people above 39) One year seems so small now – I’ve started looking at life in, like, 5 year increments. Point is, we talked about last year – and the beginning of this year (before pandemic lockdowns) and we reminisced about when I moved in, in April. Literally within a month, I searched for a new home, got denied for my current place because someone was already getting background checked, then getting a call that it fell through, and the place is mine after all!

Fast forward and here we are, 7 months later, and I can’t believe it’s almost been a year. On top of life events, we also talked about relationships.. And as we approach another new year, I realized I have not done the same thing, or spent time with the same people 2 years in a row for New Years. I literally looked back at my socials and checked every New Years I celebrated since moving to SoCal, and the closest I got to spending time, or celebrating with the same people would be 2014 and 2016 (I think? I cant remember anymore, all I remember was there was a year gap in between) I spent New Years with one of my cousins and that group of friends. Then again 2018 and 2020, I celebrated with friends and one friend in particular was there both years. But even then, both events were very different and the people involved were even more different, aside from the one familiar face.

I don’t know if this is the same for all you reading, but my life in particular, clearly revolves around meeting new people all the time, creating new connections, friendships, and sadly weaning out those who no longer keep my soul on fire.

I even think back to a particular Birthday of a wonderful person, who I no longer really connect with anymore.. but I spent about $200 if I remember correctly, on this person for her Birthday. She never had a Spa/Massage experience, and I wanted to give that gift of experience for her. Some people thought I was a little crazy as I had only known this person maybe a year at this point, but we had gown closer the past couple months – and I distinctly remember saying something along the lines of: You never know what is going to happen tomorrow, I may never celebrate another Birthday with her again, so I’m taking advantage of time now, and just the mere fact that I can afford such gift, because THAT could be the change in coming years as well.

I also remember the faces of the people I said this to. I wish we could be constantly reminded of that idea, because literally within 3 months of that Birthday, I broke up with a mutual friend I was dating, tension arose, and then a separate issue of mis-communication happened.. and here we are no longer close, lol.

As I was thinking about these events this morning within my roommate chat, I somehow got so excited for tomorrow, I actually started to tear up. Because as much as the unknown scares me.. i.e. this is why I’m still single, (bc the thought of losing someone in a blink of an eye is scarier than knowing it could be forever) I ABSOLUTELY LOVE the idea and fact that anything is possible tomorrow.

And I know I have blogged about this in the past – but I think with all that has happened this year.. the excitement, and hope, and faith in the future is just emotional for me right now. Maybe because I just want to manifest so much for myself and those I love. Maybe because I’ve felt lonely for the first time, in a LONG time, and knowing the possibilities are endless in meeting new people or even reuniting with people from days before. And not that I’m saying going back to exes is ever a good idea, but truth be told, I have a handful of “loves lost” that are very good friends, and it’s wild to think back to the person I was then vs the person I am today.

That’s the thing with connections.. they are just THERE. You can’t quite explain it, the same way as when there ISN’T a connection. And sometimes, as we have read in all the clichéd quotes, sometimes, you meet people for a reason, a season, and whatever else comes next.. but you get my point.

As I start to think about how to close out this random-ass post, that I just decided to do because: 1) its literally been almost a year since my last post, and 2) we are headed into the season of giving and gratefulness – I guess I want to make sure ya’ll get something out of this.

So long story, a little longer – as I was looking at the past year, it was also a bit upsetting. This time last year, I was invited to go to Bali. This time last year I was booking hotel and airfare to Boston for one of my most favorite peoples wedding. 90% of 2019 was an adventure and I finally felt like I was learning who I was. I had posts going into December, then January (Birthday Season!), about how busy 2020 was already turning out to be. I planned a small Birthday outing because Europe 2020 was supposed to be the plan for the 30-10 celebration. Everything was cancelling from that point on.

But on a recent zoom meeting at work, first question was: how are you feeling? One of the next questions was about how to improve culture, and one of my favorite people made me rethink the year. She said (and I paraphrase here): Although its been a tough year, there was still SO MUCH good. We had people making babies, having babies, getting married, buying homes, getting engaged – and that was just people from work!

I thought about this personally, I ALSO had friends having babies, buying land and building homes, and making huge moves like I did at 31 to another state to see what else is out there in the world. There was good, lots of it. It was just hidden by the loud screams of society. And by screams, I mean the non-factual, negative, shouting from many different sides on many different issues. When it comes to important issues, its one thing to debate, argue even.. FACTS – but its another to just yell opinions with no basis of truth. If you know anything about me – I love facts! I love truth. Because whether we like it or not, facts and truths allow people to make decisions. And its nothing we can challenge. This is also why I love emotions – dem betches don’t lie.

Moving on, point of that last story share, is that all these small details, I assume are the reason for this newfound hope and optimism. Because there is still good no matter how bad anything seems. And to bridge all these points, its the people that help bring us there.

Look at who is around you, what’s that saying? You are who your closest 5 friends are.. (or whatever) Who are those people!? Are they good support systems? Do they challenge you? Is there anyone you have learned from? Should you reach out to them again if they fell of your life wagon? Is there someone you need to push OFF the wagon?! Are there people fueling your fire? Or are they stealing your heat to improve their own flame and leave you cold?

As we close out one of the most turbulent years most of us have ever experienced, remember its been proven that people and community are what keeps people happy and provide longevity. This is a great time, if you don’t already, to revisit wants and needs – and the people behind them. Because again, the only constant in life is change. And as scary as that is for me – mainly my fear of losing people – I do truly feel so good about what’s to come because life can change in a millisecond. I am choosing to view that as a positive, and I hope y’all absorb that energy in whatever aspect of your life needs it.

I will now leave you with my screenshot below where my message transcends people and describes all aspects of life, work, hobbies, etc.. ❤ Can’t wait for more of those conversations.

Cheers!

the most wonderful time of the year

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

It’s Birthdayyy Seasonnn! 🙂

I’m sure you newbies are wondering why the heck I enjoy ticking off another year of life off the tick-sheet, like it’s some kind of CELEBRATION?! Lmaooo well, another year, another New Beginning.

Birthday Season to me, as I know it is for others, is a time of reflection. Where were you this time last year? Where are you now? And not for anything, it doesn’t matter what happened or what you did. And this sounds cray coming from someone whose sole purpose in life is to travel and experience ALL THE THINGS. And I am so pumped of all the traveling and experiences I did/had the past year.

But what it really comes down to is.. Did you learn anything? About yourself, about others, about life? Anything? Did you at least learn what a good cup of coffee tastes like? Point is, I had a year of ups and downs almost as perfect as the dictionary can describe either action.

I started the first part of the year traveling, experiencing, feeling so free and determined, found passions in things, motivated to find a career with purpose. I struggled with a hint of heartache around May.. Then June happened.

Another loss in the family in the past 16mo. I didn’t talk about it much to you “outsiders” lol, but if you know anything about my family dynamic you understand. Losing my Nana last year was harder than ever expected, and this year was difficult in a different way. After having to be emotionally strong for others, I was off again traveling and experiencing things with no time to absorb the internal stress that was created. I know, white people problems, #sorrynotsorry.

Then mid-July came. I had already been struggling since June and been in therapy more than ever. That trip back “home” in June really took me to a place internally I never thought I’d have to deal with again. The resentment, anger, pain, other words that can’t nearly explain the emotional vomit that came flooding my insides. Through all this, I was still breaking my own heart thinking I could love someone enough to have them love me back (I know this is unrealistic and pathetic, stop judging). I shut my phone off for 2 weeks because the anxiety of seeing other people’s lives was actually painful.

Oh and the drinking – hahahaha I promise I don’t love drinking as much as I actually consumed during the summer months.

Depression set in. I barely got out of bed, except to drink, and work. Y’all are lucky if I showered. I was a complete and utter mess. Now mind you, I still trudged through life with a smile on my face, and did the only thing I know to do that makes me feel good. Give to others. Pep-talk? I’m there! Ride to the airport #obvi (I mean, I LOVE doing this anyway lol, lets be honest) Concert tickets? LETS DOOO THISSSS. Plane tickets?! I’ve given awayyyyy worseee.

And then fall and winter happened, and here we are! Lol, I know thats a huge zip through, but these past couple months started bringing the year into perspective.

I LEARNED:

1) It’s ok to not have a “good year” even though you still had MANY good things happen.

2) That although losses are difficult, whether in life, friendships, or relationships, those people and moments brought you here, and gave you understanding of something new.

3) People really do come and go as you need them. This pains my heart because I wish I could keep you all! But holding on too tight to anything: ropes, steering wheels, dog leashes, emotions.. lol, starts hurting more than letting go.

This is why I love Birthday Season, and join it with why I live by quotes – Someone, somewhere, has a way to put your emotions to words when you can’t.

They say (whoever they are) that “birthdays are good for your health.. people with more of them live longer.”

Sorry, lame joke, but for reals. This is why every year, every day, every moment, matters. We don’t know when our last day will be. All we know is now. So if you get another Birthday, CELEBRATE dammit! Hehehe

Reflect, learn, and be better. Not sure if you know this, but life isn’t a competition. What only matters is where each of us are going, and where our own paths lead us. Maybe thats why I love running, the only time to beat is what I ran last time. Me, my time.

Me, my life. You, your life.

Thankfully though, some of us will help and motivate each other through the next year. I love cheering at races and finish lines! I cry all sorts of happy tears, lol.

Be kind, celebrate yourselves, be present, and if you can, love, xoxo.

Cheers!

ghost of everyday pasts (unedited)

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

The holidays bring about many emotions. One in particular is, I mean, not unhealthy necessarily, but is one reason many people get depressed: Nostalgia.

Now don’t get me wrong, being nostalgic is wonderful in many cases, it reminds you of good times, times you often forget about in childhood, wonderful traditions that bring a warm fuzzy feeling.. But what people tend to forget when you blast yourself into the past is, that you’re not there anymore. I know that seems a little obvious, but this is something I realized more this year than any other year.

I read somewhere once, something along the lines of: It’s ok to feel.. immerse yourself in the emotion, then let it go, do not dwell, do not live there.

The holidays, however, we try and live there. And I mean, this can go all year long really, with any moment that triggers a memory, but the holidays we just feel more. It’s an emotional time in general. You remember times that you will never have again, people who have left, and warmth that never seems to feel as warm.

This by no means is a problem, hence, nostalgia.. but remember not to dwell, or linger, or live there. So many times we fall into the memory hole and forget the blessings in front of you. And thats not to say discount your feelings of the past, but for some reason, generally speaking, people are so fascinated by what happened yesterday, 3 years ago, or even when we were 2. I know I may have written about this concept before that: if you focus on yesterday, how will you make new friends, meet your soulmate, have babies even?! Those moments are now. Things are happening all the time, every second of every day.

I know there are fears of forgetting people, or even ourselves.. being afraid that once we leave this world our impact will be forgotten. The spirit of anyone who has lived any sort of life, lives on in what we do in their memory. Their impact on us is what lives on. My Nana, for example, I was missing her more than I ever expected recently. I’ll say the reason is because my anxiety was real bad this year. She was the one person in my life, from what I’ll always remember, that no matter how terrible we thought life was, and I mean, I remember when I was younger complaining about everything under the sun, from stupid boys, to high school angst.. and even when I got divorced and I was embarrassed at myself, and thought I was a miserable human being, she was always the person who would acknowledge the pain, the problem, but then remind me that I was stronger than any of those things. Her cup always runneth over, and she would always say things like, “well there’s nothing you can do about it now,” and “you’ll find something better,” or “I never worry about my Kara because she always figures it out.” Another was, “my Kara, always doing wonderful things,” lol. And all of that is paraphrasing obvi, because, it’s the past, we physically can’t remember every detail of every moment, so I’m sure I missed a lot in those conversations. And this is why we can’t live there, in the past, because even what we do remember is never 100% accurate. (Why live in a lieeee lol you get my point)

Anyway, I chose to keep that goodness in me and spread the same sort of ideals as she did. Now, is my execution as good as what I remember of Nana? Probably not, or maybe it’s better? I have no real way of knowing, but those moments impacted me enough to know that the way we view things can really affect how we react to them. And just as the fact of, “there’s nothing you can do about it now,” is so true about anything, even moments as recent as a minute ago. So just as Nana tried to instill in us that today is a new day, and tomorrow can even be better, that lives on, at least in me (to new beginnings!!). And if I make any sort of impact on others, that spirit continues on.

So bringing this full circle, when you find yourself lingering in moments that no longer spark joy, or even ones that do, remember that even good memories are selective, and come back and see what’s in front of you. Life comes in waves, and the things that no longer serve you, or even things that are just no longer relevant, always come back in some way. Let them pass, feel them flow through, all the good, all the bad, remember not to dwell, do not live there. Because before you know it, you’re either under water, or trying to swim back to shore. Just let it flow through, and enjoy the beautiful view that is in front of you.

In the spirit of the the holidays, stay present, my friends ❤

wheres miranda when i need her (unedited)

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Sex & the City – Season 2 Episode 10

One of my absolute favorite episodes because it truly explains how women are (many times) punished for their success. I know I’ve blogged about this concept before, but in the midst of Tswift’s The Man, and just my recent experiences, I was compelled to write about another sleeve of this double standard.

I go to a local bar.. it’s my very own Cheers.. everyone knows my name. I tip well, and have made some.. acquaintances, if you will. What fascinates me though, is even though I tip rather well (20-50% depending on the day) I do not get the same respect or treatment as male regulars. And mind you, I’ve been, and still am, a regular at many places, but this place in particular, I notice the difference.

Maybe because the type of bar it is? Maybe because the the traffic that comes through? I don’t know, but what I DO know is, when it’s busy I am patient and understanding, and I don’t let the busyness deter me from tipping well or taking it personal. But I also always notice other regulars who frequent this place.. almost all of whom are male.. are still always taken care of in a timely manner.

Now, don’t get me wrong.. women are different personality-wise by nature.. but is that any reason to take advantage of those qualities? I know for a fact I make the same, if not more, than many of those men who frequent this place, but yet, my dollar is undermined by the fact that I’m a female. Even by female staff no less!

Why does society hate successful women? Why must I BE understanding if I’m served after a man? Even fellow women can’t stand successful women! *face_palm* No one questions the man who shows up every night to have a cocktail and sits at the bar for a few hours, yet I receive looks and questions of why I’m there so often. This then turns into “jokes” which in turn just shows that women aren’t allowed to “act” like men.

HOW ABOUT WE JUST ACT LIKE PEOPLE. PEOPLE WHO HAVE STRESSFUL JOBS THAT MAKE THEM WANT TO DRINK.

I understand this post is slightly 2-fold: treatment and success. But many times it comes hand-in-hand. This even more frustrates me that I am constantly judged for both.

I don’t think there’s much moral to this story due to the fact that my situation, and the situations of other successful women won’t change overnight. But I guess use this as a reminder of inequality and societal stigma that is sadly still ingrained even in this new generation of “activists” and “free thinkers”.

It costs nothing to be kind.

✌🏻

The prodigal blogger

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Dear internet friends and fellow readers.. for those who still read..

I am back! sort of – it’s strange really, one day my brain just started flooding with ideas to write about – Everyday issues in an array of topics.. It’s like the past 7 mo I was having writers block and I cleaned out my ears to let some light into my brain.

Hopefully those who I enjoyed blogging with are still out there in interweb-verse. I feel behind in my reading too.. Not sure why it is now, though, that I was slapped with this emotion, idea, wonderment, and an urge to type again.. but I’ll take it.

Even this sad min intro-post – it’s terrible really lol, but I had to reach out and prepare you for what is to come.

Will it all be interesting, fulfilling, even well-written? Probably not – lol – but I do hope to get conversation out there again with everyday challenges and my perspective on this life’s journey of making every day better for us all.

Hope you all have been well, I’m looking forward to a few new posts soon and get these blog posts rollin’.

till next time,

cheers!

 

 

deja vu.. like 100 times

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Well hello there!

Here we are again.. yup, you guessed it! Birthday MONTH! 🙂

I always seem to resurface this time of year.. if not now, usually around the New Year.. then make my way back right around February.. aka – Birthday time. I know its a little repetitive, and probably somewhat annoying, but no matter how often I blog about life, Birthdays (yup the word should always be capitalized), and being grateful for both, I’m constantly finding myself having this conversation with people who have already heard it and have, say, “forgotten”.

Biggest pet-peeve (after liars): People who say they “hate” their Birthdays or “don’t like them”.

Ok fine. And not to sound harsh here, but hey, there’s always the alternative (cliche much?). But seriously, if that’s what you would have preferred the past year, or years even, is to die vs being graced with another year of wisdom, age, and knowledge – then well then I’m just a jerk for making you see any gratitude in having a day of birth at all.

And what I seem to find is, most people who “don’t like” their Birthdays, are normally the ones who aren’t living their lives to their potential, or expectation – and see growing “older” as just another day closer to having aching bones and wheelchairs.

You see this is where I want to slap all of these people.. with words of course. Hehe.

Because age means nothing.. that number you are so focused on? It just describes how long you have been blessed on this planet. It does not define who you are, and what you can or cannot do. It does not define your dreams and aspirations. There are 80yr olds running marathons.. and 21yr olds killing themselves on prescription drugs. I know those are extremes.. but really where would you prefer to land? Somewhere in the middle I’m sure.. but I’ll tell you what.. I’d love to be that 80yr running just a 5K! My point is, aside from major issues that physically and mentally deprive a person, i.e. dementia, certain stages of cancer, losing a limb (which even still doesn’t hold some people back!) the only thing that creates an “old age” mentality is yourself. You choose whether or not you want to join a book club, focus on your career goals, life goals, join a running club, yoga class, jump out of airplanes.. whatever. YOU make YOURSELF OLD, not the number of years you’ve been alive.

Seriously.

And to be clear, I’m not making anyone enjoy or celebrate their Birthday as much as I do. I’m just trying to explain that by saying you don’t “like” the day you were born – shows not only a choice of non-motivation to age gracefully, but also a level of ungratefulness. And some of you out there may be saying.. “Now hooold on a minute.. I didn’t SAY I was ungrateful!” Oh you didn’t? Well let’s just look at this logically here.. I can understand how we can sometimes be grateful for things we “don’t like” like say – coffee, or my bed, or friends, and being alive. Oh wait I LIKE ALL THOSE THINGS.

Ok so then.. I’m not grateful for liars, or traffic, or death. Oh wait.. I DON’T like all those things! Point is, it’s difficult to be grateful and not like something that you’re grateful for. Ok, so maybe sometimes I’m grateful for traffic because I was able to finish a really good song on the radio, or it kept me from a car accident.. I don’t really “like” the traffic per say, but I like what it has given me and am grateful for the song, or the non-accident.

So looking at this in a broader, still logical sense – to be grateful for life doesn’t mean you have to “like” Birthday’s – but yet the whole purpose of the Birthday was to GIVE you life. Just like the whole “purpose” of that traffic (if you believe in the Universe or God) was to keep you safe from an accident and let you listen to something that makes you happy. So in essence you sort of “didn’t mind” that traffic because, in this simple instance,  your song was playing.

That’s where we need to be people – have a sense of “I don’t mind my Birthday, because I am grateful to have made it another year” vs “I hate” or ” I don’t like”. Because if you value Life at all – it only makes sense to value how you got here in the first place.

Another pet-peeve: When people use death as a “reminder” to be grateful for life.

I know this sounds a little harsh again, but shouldn’t LIFE be your reminder every day that you are alive?! Why must we wait until we lose something to be grateful? Why are so many of us incapable to find magic, and value, and gratefulness in our everyday lives? How about changing that perspective, especially on a bad day, to “Today royally sucked, but I am grateful I at least woke up this morning, and was able to tell ____ I love them. Or even “Ugh I’m sick today, but I’m grateful for sick-days because at least I don’t have to work today and can catch up on my Netflix shows”. Or more so, I’ve been having health issues but I am grateful I have a great Dr. and a great support system (friends/family) to help me in recovery or to battle this”. See what I did there?! Turned obvious life issues into something we can be grateful for.

And I understand tragedy exists and evil. I am a realist – an optimistic realist to be exact. I know and understand, and even sometimes expect bad or the negative side of things to happen. However, I keep faith and hope that the “good” side prevails. Does that always happen? Of course not – but it definitely provides a more positive way to look at any situation.

Find reminders everyday to be grateful for LIFE. Then hopefully, If/when a bad thing happens, or you experience loss, it’s not that you didn’t know it was coming.. but you have learned to grieve and move on – in essence, understanding the loss and being sad (because we are still human), but being grateful that you were able to enjoy the time you had vs feeling like every good moment has been taken away. Because you can’t “take away” moments, you know, they are always with you <3.

 

So here’s to another amazing Birthday Season where I look back, pause, and then look  forward. To see where I have been, where I am, and where I aspire to go. Never to hang out too long in any of those ideas though, because as we know, time is of the essence and we never know when tomorrow is our last tomorrow. Celebrate what’s in front of you, and celebrate LIFE.

 

Cheers!

 

 

just another random sunday..

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Being sick just weeks before Thanksgiving really made me stop to re-group. I have a trip planned to visit my brother and his farm of children for the holiday (there’s four of them), never mind the pre-made plans I have to meet up with a friend visiting from out of state just days before that! I just can not socially afford to be sick right now. Also, being this the first time I’ve been sick since becoming single was sorta making the whole situation worse.. but at the same time, made me focus more on kicking this thing.

Anyway, I have done absolutely nothing this weekend. And by nothing, I mean I slept in as long as I could on Saturday and forced myself out of the house for a few hours just not to feel emotionally miserable. I’ve been living off of vitamin C, soup and tea, and the extra sleep definitely did a body good. Waking up today (Sunday) was a relief. Knowing myself, however, I knew not to get too excited because my normal protocol when feeling better is usually to go do a MILLION things. Why? you may ask.. well.. because I’m feeling better dammit, I can do anything! Right? Thankfully, I have learned that never works, because I usually end up ill for about 5 more days when I push it. So instead, to fill my need of adventures and activities, I went to breakfast at my favorite diner with the roommate, and then like a good little sick girl, took myself back home. Understanding my need to get better, I decided this is a perfect opportunity to finally unpack the residual boxes that had been collecting dust in my bedroom.

**Note: I moved over a year ago.. no big deal. Can we say procrastination?

This residual mess I had just sitting in my room was a number of things – divorce papers, tax documents, a lot of pictures, books, and some random things. I had recently been given a much-needed book shelf (recent = 3 months ago – just emphasizing my procrastination haha) and finally put it to good use.

In my sorting, dusting, and organizing.. I ran into several things that made me wonder why I kept any of this stuff. Of the questionable items were pictures, (ugh unfortunately many of them) of a lot of exes. Some still providing great memories, while others reminding me why I’m crazy sometimes. This got me to thinking.. should I just shred all this? Now mind you, I’m a memory keeper – meaning that I have about 6 memory boxes starting back from college, (thats about 15 years worth – ewww I’m showing my age haha!) and I still save stuff to this day – cards, pictures, ticket stubs, event tickets, you name it, if I think it holds some sort of value to my life, then it’s a keeper.

The stuff that sort of pinches my insides are the hardest – do I keep it as a reminder? To remind myself what never to do again? Or is it worthless because I mean, in the end, who is gonna keep it all anyway?! You see, never mind myself, but there are photos from weddings of friends who are also now divorced, many of those friends I don’t even talk to or even know where they are anymore. Photos of trips, and events with exes, other family member exes.. etc.. so strange. Again, some of them were great to remember.. others, (honestly, I’m pretty proud of myself for this – I had already cut out the exes from the photos or just removed them and stuck them in a ‘random’ pile. Yup, I was that girl – I will cut you out of pictures.. Mmwuaahahaha!) those others.. they just, I don’t know, it wasn’t pain, it was more annoyance. I kept saying, Ugh, jerk – never again! Haha, but for my soul, it was a great reminder of how much better my choices have been. To be clear, I did decide to shred some photos.. of duplicates, and some that just had no need to stay in my brain’s ‘memory box’.

Thankfully with technology, (or maybe NOT thankfully..) nowadays, the most you can do is delete photos anyway – yet as we have learned – they are never deleted for good. Which I guess sort of helps my idea of saving of such things that, Hey, if the internet keeps it forever, I guess I can too. It was definitely a strange journey through the pictures that start from the 6th grade – when I was still living in SoCal (the 1st time) – I pretty much spent about 2 hours reliving my entire late childhood and my transition into adulthood. Gonna be honest, it was slightly awkward at times haha. I had some good stuff to show my roommate too, and overall, I was pretty happy to finally get through it. Honestly, there was a part of me that was scared at what I’d find. But hey, if wedding certificates paper-clipped to divorce decree’s aren’t scary anymore, then really, what could possibly be in there that could still scare me?

I guess my point in all this, even for someone like me who loves tomorrow – I am a planner by nature, and you can’t plan without tomorrow! You also can’t have new beginnings without today! – As much as we/I want to keep yesterday far behind us and focus on the now..and plan for tomorrow.. the past never seems to go away.. Sometimes it even finds you after a few years just to remind you of how far you’ve come – or maybe for some, and in some cases for me – to show you how much further you can go. It’s a crazy life we live, and all you can do is keep learning, keep trucking, keep remembering that it is all yesterday. We are constantly in the past, in yesterday.. That second it took to write that last sentence, yup already the past. Interesting isn’t it? So why be afraid of it? We are constantly living in it.

See what happens when I get sick? I think too much. Happy random Sunday!

Cheers!

where is my passport?!

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Wholly mollies saturday! Car is ready to be traded in – clearly haven’t gone through my trunk since it went cross-country :/ , now i just have to buy a car!

Laundry done, donation drop off at Salvation Army done, wild search for my old passport that brought me into old memory boxes full of hysterical things plus old journals.. (passport not found 😦 ) done.. but going through these had me realize that I have lived (and am still living apparently..) a very amazingly heart wrenching, yet incredibly interesting, and crazy life.

I have been saving things since high school and writing in a journal since the 6th grade.. and I am still boy-crazy, a fool for love, never satisfied, looking for new adventures, and in the darkest of times.. which sadly there seem to be many of those.. I am strangely overly positive and optimistic. This last characteristic surprised me honestly, because I am very much a realist. 99.9% of the time look at both sides of a situation before determining a thought or reaction to feeling. So yes, this surprised me. Another thing to point out there is that I seemed to have many sad, dark times.. But again, in reading my vintage words, I also have never been so hopeful for tomorrow.

This sort of hit home.. literally, because I am home! (bahaha my version of a joke) but for real.. because I am currently sliding into a valley in this life of hills. It brought to light how, even throughout the ups and downs, I am for some reason disgustingly grateful for my life. I’m serious. I know there are people out there who think my life is perfect and “shut up about being blessed and grateful already Kara, gah!” And when I have troubling times I swear people think it’s just like a #whitepeopleproblems moment.

But like all people I have a dark side. I have skeletons, and just because I find a way to control them does not mean I don’t feel them or deal with them daily. I’m just happy that for whatever reason, my hidden positivity comes out when I need it most. Although I wish it was out more than just that, but I guess the realist in me doesn’t find sense in that either.

So here’s to a productive and meaningful Saturday.. in the obscene SoCal heat.. where I can now pretty much smell my sweaty self.. (WHY MUST IT BE SO HOT?! IT’S SEPTEMBER! #sweatingballs) Looks like a shower is in my near future.. and a decision on my afternoon activities.. And also.. where IS that damn passport?! 😦

Cheers!

Happy Birthday!

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

It’s that time of year again.. where you all can’t stand my posts of giving thanks and love.

But thankfully you’ll probably still keep reading anyway 😉 hehe.

So it is that time, where (at least in the US) we begin to focus on being Thankful and we begin the Season of Giving. Well what if I told you we could do this all year long? Everyday even. And I’m not saying this metaphorically like “We should love each other every day of the year, not just on a fake holiday we call Valentines Day.” Or “We should be thankful everyday for family and friends not just on Thanksgiving.” Yah I know I’ve heard it too.

What I’m trying to say is that.. I mean it. It’s simple really, and many of us (not just crazy people like me) do this everyday.

It’s called Birthdays. Now, I know what you’re thinking.. “Oh goodness Kara, we get it, you love your birthday because it’s your one day to celebrate yourself.” And, “I think I’ve read this already.. on this same blog!” Ok, yes, if there’s one thing anyone can agree on, it’s that I do love my birthday and birthdays in general 🙂 but aside from my love of birthdays proving my own point, (you’ll see how this relates soon) I am honestly trying to explain mere observations I have had.

To start, I do not, for the love of God, understand why some people dislike Birthdays. The whole crying about getting old bit is well.. getting old. Seriously. Because while these people are complaining about “another year older” they seem to be forgetting that there are hundreds, millions even, who never made it to their second birthday.. maybe even their first. On top of that, I know (as I’m sure many of you know) people who are fighting, and surviving cancer. I even heard more great news last week! But I have also lost friends who did not get to win that fight. I know old people, survivors of major accidents, and even some of those miserable people who are bitter every year that goes by because they can’t grasp getting “old”. But I also have friends who didn’t make past the age of 21.. or 16 even.. and I have an uncle who didn’t make it through his 40s. Birthdays, yes, are celebrations, but they are also reminders.

Long story, long.. this brings me to my point. WHY?! The easiest, most fun, and best way to be thankful everyday is to Celebrate Birthdays!! And I mean like really celebrate like you mean it, like you are happy to be alive. Not celebrate that you are one year older, but that you made it another year.. because sadly, there are many who did not make it this far. I’m not trying to be a debbie-downer here, I’m just trying to open some eyes. Don’t you see? Every birthday is a day to be thankful and celebrate life.

And even with what your faith or beliefs are.. whatever reason we have that some people leave us too soon, we still know that to make it another day here on earth is a blessing. We always seem to forget about the alternative. Birthdays remind us that we are blessed.

Knowing this, why would we not want to celebrate making it another day, never mind another year! Without birthdays there would be no people.. and without people, no life.

So Celebrate Life this week and this Holiday Season. Be Thankful for Birthdays. Celebrate them.. all of them. It is someone’s Birthday everyday. If you are on Facebook, you know this is true! And feel Blessed for the mere fact that you are here and able to celebrate.

Give Thanks & Be Thankful.. for simply being alive.

a beautiful mess.

~ NewBeginnings ~ 1 Comment

I don’t know if I’ve ever blogged about this, but..

I am a beautiful  m e s s.

I’ve been that way all my life. I live to please people. I am the positive spark that keeps motivation alive. I am the clever sarcasm that allows laughter to break through walls. I am the friend who will let you in.. or answer my phone.. at 2am if you are lost or stranded. I am a giver. I give more than I have many times, and compensate by living moderately.

Although I don’t always believe it, I have been blessed with beauty. My eyes, they always shine. They glitter with happiness. There isn’t an ounce of me that won’t, for one second, try and make you laugh.. even in my most miserable of days. I am honest. Almost to a fault.. hahahaha 😉 I always see both sides to a story. I believe in the impossible.

This is where it gets messy. I am so positive, so shining, so focused on keeping other emotions alive, so expected to be this way.. that there are days, weeks even.. this one in particular, where every vulnerability, every fear, every bit of insecurity bursts out every pore. The tears fighting.. and I mean  f i g h t i n g  to stay in my little eyeballs. Tears people. Tears that only about 5 people in my life have ever seen. 5.

And honestly it partially angers me. Because you would think that someone of my nature who does nothing but smile, and can make a joke about the ‘darkest of days’, could have more people around when my emotions have hiccups. Instead what I get are awkward moments of confusion. I’m serious. It’s strange.

People ask the required, “Are you ok? I’m here to talk about it if you want.” And I know deep down these sad souls have no clue what they are talking about, because the minute an emotion surfaces, the conversation quickly turns to something more generic like work, or weekend plans. Why.. why ask at all? If you can’t handle me being normal, then just allow me to continue my routine that I am so very well versed in. Because I get it. I can barely handle myself too in these moments. But I guess it’s a double-edged sword. With no expression of emotion at the time of the emotion.. it builds.. and hence becomes me, right now. An over-emotional-beautiful-mess.  Literal emotional vomit.

Knowing this has made me cynical of those who are the same way.. Engaging and positive, happy and glowing all the time. I assume they are hiding something deep. In most cases, it’s true. There are many people like me, because there is just no physical way to constantly be emotionally perfect. Everyone needs an outlet or an explosion.

So why then? Why must we play these charades? Why can’t people handle emotion? If we just dealt with them we would probably love each other more because we would see who we actually are. Which might explain the 3 friends I have. They allow me to be vulnerable.

My apologies that this has just turned into a mini rant.. which I guess exemplifies the ‘mess’ in my beautiful. But for those who can empathize, can we try and break down those barriers?! It would surely make my life much easier.

And for those who only expect my beautiful I say: Don’t ask me questions if you don’t want the answer.. and in turn, don’t question my charade when its you, who in fact, can’t handle the real.

The end.