Tag: relationships

don’t marry me {draft}

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

i don’t ever want someone to ask me to marry them.

i want someone to ask me to love them for longer than eternity.

i want someone to ask me to stand by them until we both can no longer stand.

i want someone to ask me to be a part of their soul for a thousand forevers.

i want someone to ask me to give of myself to them until it is no longer humanly possible.

i want someone to ask me to take adventures with them for as long as memories will last.

 

I don’t ever want someone to ask me to marry them.

I don’t want until death do us part.

I want more than “marriage”.

I want only death to part us, but for forever to hold us.

its that time.. that should be happening ALL the time..

~ NewBeginnings ~ 2 Comments

Come November of every year.. everyone and their second cousin (all of a sudden!) starts to become ‘thankful’.. Posting things on social sites of thankfulness throughout the holidays (what happened to the rest of the year!?).. And knowing theres not much I can do to stop this, I guess I’ll just embrace it, knowing that hey, if people can only bring it upon themselves to be thankful and hopeful just two months out of the year, then I guess thats better than no months at all. So go ahead world! – start over-posting and filling my pages with your ‘thanks’ for two months – then come January (or Black Friday for that matter) go back to being ‘normal’.

Aside from my normal crap I blog and post about (being thankful and blessed constantly, appreciative of love – which I know most people are bored of all year long.. until, well, now – because I guess this is normal protocol just for the holidays) I do feel an overwhelming sense of extra thanks and love. And well, maybe thats why most people hold off till the holidays to express this as well (although I’m not saying it’s ok, because, as mentioned, we all really should be ‘bored’ with this thankful ‘crap’ all year long).

 

Anyway, I digress – the point of this post is to sort of play catch-up. Like I mentioned, I too, get extra sentimental this time of year, and I wanted to participate in what some people are doing this month – A ‘gratitude’ or ‘thankful’ challenge the month of November for 30 days. Since I’m so behind, I decided I can wrap this up in one – LONG – blog post and list 30 things I am thankful for this year. Keep in mind, this is/was hard for me considering I’m thankful daily (I know, I know – barf), so to narrow down my top 30 is like trying to pick 30 of my favorite birthdays! #impossible Haha, but I’m gonna try.

And to be honest, I literally updated this list like 5 times 🙂

 

In no particular order – This past year, I am thankful for:

1. waking up every single day: Given the fact that tomorrow is never a promise, I am thankful that God continues to give me more time on this crazy planet – everyday has definitely been an adventure.

2. learning to love someone: Although I am in a sad situation of loving someone who may never love me back, it’s amazing to learn how real love can actually calm you. Just knowing someone is healthy, happy, and doing well, is like a good drug – say, like coffee! 😉 And you learn to understand that it doesn’t matter how you fit into their lives, so long as you are able to continue to be a good part of it.

3. love: Yes, this is separate – because love alone transcends across many parts of our lives. Love of friends, love of co-workers, love of self, love of coffee, love of owls.. I can go on.. but you know what I mean. Just knowing love exists in some form, is grand.

4. Jeffrey Scales: Enough with the shocked faces people. Jeffrey is an amazing person. Amazing. Those who know him, probably know this already. After all this time, he is still annoyed with my unconventional way of thinking/life, and is still able to make a joke out of anything. On top of that, he genuinely asks how me and my crazy family are. That’s what I am most thankful for – he’s genuine. It’s not easy finding people who are real. And although most of our communication now is through work means, it’s a blessing to still be able to keep in touch and know we are still friends on some level. Thank you, for being you, Jeffrey.

5. new england: I know I ran away from you off to the land of hippies and lengthy coastlines, but the thanks I have for your seasons, food, patriotism, sports, holiday embrace, and traditions, can’t be expressed into words. I just cry about it now haha 😉 This would’ve been #1 if I had to rank it. I do love the move I made, but the things I have listed you can’t find anywhere else.. It’s what I miss most (second to my peeps obvi!)

6. work: The past year of work has been.. tumultuous to say the least. I am not doing what I love, but I sure have learned a lot and put myself through a lot of tests – literally and figuratively – I am grateful though, for the people I have met, the paychecks, and the experiences that have provided me a new perspective on what I want for myself, career-wise. Overall, it has been a huge learning experience.

7. food: As a self-proclaimed foodie, I am so thankful for all the new food experiences I have had. Gem deserves a HUGE thankful part of that, and so does James – more so for my everyday eating habits. I learned how to actually prepare food for work, and learned a lot about how to manage what my body needs. It’s still a learning process daily, but I am just so thankful I know how to eat such great stuff.. and know the difference #foodsnob 😉

8. owls: Ok, I mean, here’s another that probably needs no explanation. I freakin love owls! They are a little treasure of my life and I’m thankful there are so many awesome things that can come in owl-form.

9: God: 9 is a Holy number, so I gave it to God. 🙂 I know theres a lot of God-talk (or more so, non-God-talk) out there, and if you read the book, Eat, Pray, Love, the moment where she speaks to God the first time, braking down on her bathroom floor, crying.. She explains why she calls it, ‘God’ the end of that section has a line, “What kind of God do you believe in?” my answer is easy: “I believe in a magnificent God.”” Yes. Just, yes. Elizabeth Gilbert did a fantastic job describing how and why she prays and why it’s to God. I can relate 110%. God is also a comfortable name for me. Either way, THANK YOU to God, who has helped me through the best and the worst this life could give me. Thank you for continuing to give me a chance to make myself better, and be better to others. Thank you for always being there, even though I’m a terrible listener sometimes. Thank you for continuing to be patient with me – even though I still struggle with that virtue. Thank you, too, for teaching me in the past year about the many things we don’t know, and how it has made me realize, to just do me.. because thats all I can do. And that those who judge me – fail to look at themselves first. This in turn, made me look at myself as well.. first.. before potentially judging. And of course, thank you, to God and the universe for always keeping me on track – and for providing a beautiful world to look at. More so, for teaching me to appreciate the simple things – seasons, first snow fall, sun sets and sun rises, rainbows, rain, all the things nature gives us – it really is a beautiful life.

10: yoga: Although there are only like 2 instructors where I practice that allow me to use yoga for my benefit, the practice itself I am extremely thankful for. It allows me to not think, and provides a great practice of mind/body connection that I have a hard time finding in other activities. It’s my form of meditation – even though I practice Bikram which ultimately is just working out in a sauna and sweating profusely – it allows me to find calmness in my hectic emotional frame. It’s sort of amazing how much anxiety I can let go of after a class. I just wish I had time to go more often..

11: wine: Need I say more? Thank you to all the grapes in the world that make this amazing beverage which helps me keep my sanity, allows for great dates, great conversation, and the best booze while you are eating well. 😉

12: coffee: Ok here’s another. Haha.. Whats that quote? “Lord give me coffee to change the things I can change, and wine to accept the things I can’t.” So really this goes hand-in-hand with wine. 😉 Another thing I thank coffee for is the fact that it calms me. I know it’s strange, but I can drink coffee before bed.. and nothing relaxes me more than a good cappuccino after dinner. I don’t know what it is.. but coffee is my tangible anxiety release.

13: birthdays: duh. You knew this was coming.. Haha! Everyone should be thankful for Birthdays! I know everyone is sick of me saying this, but you can’t deny the truth: To celebrate another birthday, at the very least, means you can celebrate another day on this earth. Ultimately, being thankful for birthdays is just another way to be thankful for life.

14: Mish: Per usual, I think of you and cry #typical. Haha! Another one of my genuine people – thank you for keeping me close to you, even after I ran off to coast of the West.. You have been my greatest rock this past year. You are the one constant in my life that, even through a month or two of not speaking, can still keep me grounded through just a text for Facebook post. (I seriously only keep it for you – I’d get rid of it otherwise) I don’t know how we do it, but it’s true, just thinking of you makes me better. You always know what to say – because, like me, you get it. You take time to understand. You never tell me what I want to hear, and not even necessarily what I need to hear either.. it’s just.. the Truth. #loveyou xoxo ❤

15: flowers: I mean, how can anyone NOT be thankful for flowers. They are a beautiful, living reminder that the universe is amazing and filled with wonderful things. I have never seen anyone who either finds a flower, or was given one, that didn’t light up even just a little.

16: fairytales:  My goodness, I am SO thankful for fairytales. As a hopeless romantic, fairytales are a non-negotialble. In fact, everyone should read this when you get a chance: http://thefickleheartbeat.com/…/11/02/why-fairy-tales-exist/ You’re welcome.

17: Stevie Ray: Yes, Stevie, I am so thankful for you! Although we met only once (the first year I moved to SoCal) you have been a part of my spiritual life every since. From that day you made me tear up talking about my life and spirituality, to now, with me tearing up just typing this! Haha.. your spirit has been with me in tough emotional times. Even the moments I chose not to ask for your prayers, I know you are/were at least thinking of me. Thank you for being my spiritual soldier, and I pray for the best for you and your journey. ❤

18: country music: Although I love country anyway, with going through a breakup the past couple months, country music really spoke to me. I had a new appreciation for the story-telling that comes with the music. Comparatively, it is way more realistic for my breakups, and how I am in general, vs other types of music that embrace threats, revenge, fighting, drama, torture, manipulation, sleeping with friends – or just sleeping with everyone.. I can go on – and not gonna lie, those other songs are sort of fun, but just not my style and how I realistically deal with my relationships (of any kind really).

19: Sweet Elle Cafe: My goodness.. for those who know me, do I even need to explain this?! Haha.. best.cafe.Ever. Thank you, thank you, for just being there, and not sucking. Haha 😀 You have the best baristas, best coffee options, best atmosphere, and with the updates and re-models, it’s even cozier. I remember the first time I ever stepped into this little cafe – theres a bookshelf wall filled with books that I stared at.. and I never wanted to leave – but I came about 15min before closing haha so, well, I had to leave. But now this place is like home. I’m glad everyone knows my name and this is my version of Cheers. I’m thankful for Grace, the owner, for having the vision and dream to run this cafe – because people like me, who need a second home.. and good coffee.. really, REALLY, appreciate it. I should also do a mini shout-out.. it’s only right.. without Daniel, I never would’ve known about this place – so thank you too, to Daniel for the recommendation. 🙂

20: Michelle: My hairdresser. Yes, I am VERY thankful for you! Haha 🙂 I moved to SoCal and began a new life, new job, new doctors, new cafes, new hairdresser.. Well, my first experience was a butchered job that cost me over $100 just for me to cry for about 4 month. It felt like forever before I even had the nerve to look for someone new. And I’m so happy the stars aligned and I found you. You saved my locks, and fixed the awful cut that made me look like my 6th grade class photo. Not only that, but color my hair to perfection as well. The best thing about you is your soul. It’s so beautiful, considerate, and honest. I’m so happy I get to see you every month.

21: Sarah: She waxes me. Haha, I know some of you reading this are like.. Really Kara!? But, yes, really. Again, moving to an entirely new state where my normal product and services are now 10,0000-mi away (I clearly exaggerate), was/is very hard. And this, was probably the worst service to look for. For those of you who are waxing enthusiasts as myself, this isn’t something you just find and are like – oh yah, eeny, meeny, miney, mo! I’ll just ‘try you out’! No.. it’s like finding a doctor. If someone is looking at you like no everyday person looks as you, you want them to, well.. for one, not be creepy, and two.. not be creepy. Sarah is awesome, the best thing about her is that, unlike other estheticians I’ve had in the past (who were still good, don’t get me wrong) she has real conversations with you to make this somewhat awkward experience, well, not so awkward.

22: the sun: I don’t know if I even need to write much about this. Everyone should be thankful for the Sun, especially if you live, or have ever lived in the NorthEast (Vitamin D!). Thank you, for literally making my world go ’round.. and for making the sky beautiful.

23: pain: Yes, pain. Whats that amazing quote from Grey’s Anatomy, “Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.” Exactly. I have felt a lot of pain this year, physically and emotionally. Physically, it has taught me how much I can do with myself and how much my mind is involved with strength. Emotionally, I’ve learned to be more appreciative, patient, and stay humble.. This way, everything is a happy surprise.

24: Eric & Amy: I am so thankful for the past two years being able to live the closest to my brother than I have in a long time. You see, he’s in the Army, and just recently I’ve been able to visit twice a year compared to my usual once-every-other-year. What makes this even more thankful is being able to be a part in my nephew and nieces’ lives. It may be a small part, but at least they remember me now when I visit compared to the first couple of times, like when I met the twins for the first time.. were already 2! 😦 Anyway, I’ve learned a lot about my brother, and have been so grateful to see him raise a beautiful family, and even better, do this with his amazing wife. Seriously, I am so thankful for Amy too because, I have never met a more determined mother-of-4 who runs like a champion, looks amazing, and all the while is home-schooling the kiddos, getting another (you heard me, another!) degree, and being a wife & mother. I’ve said this a bazillion times about Amy, but it’s true – If I was seriously just half as determined and focused as she is, I’d be doing way better things in my life, and look damn good too. So thank you for proving that even with some of the hardships the military throws at you with raising a family and making ends meet, you both are able to do this, and although it may not be easy, you make it look that way. Thank you for being amazing people to ‘look up to’ in my adult life.

25: the ocean: My first love. I’m thankful because it is the one constant I have always had access to my entire life. It’s a part of me. I grew up with it in the West.. learned with it in the East.. and now I find comfort with it.. back in the West. Since I was a child, I have loved the ocean and all that it entails – sand, rocks, the comforting sound, and the mysterious depths. The ocean is fascinating to me. In one hand, it’s where I go to play, and relax, and even cry and meditate. On the other hand, it scares me to no end, not because I’m a bad swimmer, but more so the uncontrollables. Currents, waves, sudden deep pools, so many unknowns that can literally swallow you up. It has been a great metaphor to life.

26: Paul:  OH.MY.GAWWWD. Paul, I seriously have no words to describe the appreciation I have for you in the last year and three months that we have been living together. Well ok, I have a few 😉 I am so absolutely thankful that you put up with me to start. Haha.. and that you are so giving, and helpful, and considerate. You are constantly thinking of others. I’m not gonna lie, there are plenty times where I’m annoyed with you 😉 But aside from my occasional bitchiness, you seriously have done nothing but try and help make my life better. I can’t name many people who are happy – and willing! – to go and get a drink with me when I am red-faced angry. I also don’t know many people who drive back home to make juice for unappreciative guests.. that you barely know for goodness sakes! #gah! I am just so thankful that we are friends.. and that it’s you who is on my emergency contact list.. haha. You are seriously the most caring person I have ever met, and not just to me, but to every single person in your life – from friends to family – I swear your goal in life is to make them ALL happy.. ALL at the same time! I have no doubt that you would probably succeed in that anyway, you’ve probably already done the math to support it 😉 So thank you.. thank you for being you.. and being awesome.  Anyone who has been lucky enough to have met you should be thankful. And if they aren’t.. well then.. they just suck.

27: genuine people: If you have ever been lucky enough to speak to someone who is genuine, man does it seriously change your perspective on life. So often do people ask the simple question of: “How are you?” Many of these people you consider friends.. and more times then not, they really don’t care.. it’s just an obligatory question. Shame isn’t it? Why do people ask questions when they don’t even care for the answer? Or worse even, begin to lecture you when they don’t get the answer they want. Well, please believe me when I say this, but when you do talk to someone who asks, even that simple question, and it’s a genuine request.. your heart flutters. It’s strange. You no longer have to whip out the (sorry for my language, but it’s true) bullshit answer of, “I’m good!” You can actually answer with how you actually feel. And I do understand that sometimes we are just ‘good‘. But more times than not, there is some aspect in your life that isn’t.. but yet generally speaking, bringing that detail up makes you a debbie downer – or causes discussion on ‘how to make you NOT feel that way’. Point is, THANK YOU to those who actually mean it. Thank you for providing yourself as an outlet for a possible miserable response. Thank you for just plain caring.

28: reading/writing: I love both of these and am so thankful for them for the mere fact that both provide a chance to get away. It’s an outlet to get away from the world for a minute. To escape into a story and either lose yourself in a character by reading, or let go a little of yourself by writing. Thank you for giving me an exit from this ‘real’ life and making me a mini fangirl.

29: James: I guess I should be thankful for the one I love, Haha..! Thank you for teaching me how to be patient.  Thank you for having a beautiful soul and giving me a opportunity to be a part of understanding it. Thank you for this inexplicable friendship/relationship we have because you made me see that it only matters to us and no one else needs to understand it. Thank you for enlightening me with a whole new meaning about saying ‘Sorry’. Mind. Blown. Thank you for teaching me about fitness and always answering my random questions about the shelf-life of ground-beef, or the carb percentage of an apple, haha.. #seriously. Thank you for breaking my heart. Sounds crazy, but without that I never would have learned what my heart was capable of. And of course, thank you for being you. I have never met someone so determined (and stubborn haha) to live life on their own terms than you. I can argue a million ways on the pros and cons to that, but it doesn’t matter. You do you.. and that’s what makes you amazing.

30: ME!: I’m just amazing. The End. Haha, but really I am so thankful for myself. I am thankful that I am strong enough not to conform to societal norms. I am thankful for being a sarcastic, hysterical, and sometimes bitchy person. I am thankful that I am a good person, that I am thoughtful, and that I am considerate of others even though sometimes people may take advantage of that. I am thankful that I love unconditionally even though people think that’s crazy. Because, thats not crazy, thats what love is supposed to be like. I am thankful that I know my limits and realize the people who are worth keeping close, and learning when to just close the door.. but always keeping the window open.. (only some of you get that 🙂 ) I am so thankful of the lives that I have touched, and more so, those who have touched mine.  I am thankful for being an original (I know there aren’t a lot of people out there like me) and I’m thankful for being a optimistic-realist. And I am so thankful that I love myself. Without me, I can’t love others, or flowers, or coffee, or owls..

 

 

To summarize, I am thankful for the people in my life. I am extra thankful to the genuine ones. I am thankful for the simple things in life, and thankful for the things I don’t understand. I am just downright thankful for life. I am thankful for today, yesterday, and definitely tomorrow.. because those are never a definite. Just, thank you. Everyday, Thank You.

And of course, a special THANK YOU – to this blog, and to all my readers.. you definitely don’t have to read my crap all the time, and all the posts that have sucked. But you do. I just hope there’s at least one in there that you have enjoyed, or learned from, has inspired you, or at least smiled from. Thank you.

 

Happy Thanksgiving – remember to be thankful everyday ❤

Cheers!

just another random sunday..

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Being sick just weeks before Thanksgiving really made me stop to re-group. I have a trip planned to visit my brother and his farm of children for the holiday (there’s four of them), never mind the pre-made plans I have to meet up with a friend visiting from out of state just days before that! I just can not socially afford to be sick right now. Also, being this the first time I’ve been sick since becoming single was sorta making the whole situation worse.. but at the same time, made me focus more on kicking this thing.

Anyway, I have done absolutely nothing this weekend. And by nothing, I mean I slept in as long as I could on Saturday and forced myself out of the house for a few hours just not to feel emotionally miserable. I’ve been living off of vitamin C, soup and tea, and the extra sleep definitely did a body good. Waking up today (Sunday) was a relief. Knowing myself, however, I knew not to get too excited because my normal protocol when feeling better is usually to go do a MILLION things. Why? you may ask.. well.. because I’m feeling better dammit, I can do anything! Right? Thankfully, I have learned that never works, because I usually end up ill for about 5 more days when I push it. So instead, to fill my need of adventures and activities, I went to breakfast at my favorite diner with the roommate, and then like a good little sick girl, took myself back home. Understanding my need to get better, I decided this is a perfect opportunity to finally unpack the residual boxes that had been collecting dust in my bedroom.

**Note: I moved over a year ago.. no big deal. Can we say procrastination?

This residual mess I had just sitting in my room was a number of things – divorce papers, tax documents, a lot of pictures, books, and some random things. I had recently been given a much-needed book shelf (recent = 3 months ago – just emphasizing my procrastination haha) and finally put it to good use.

In my sorting, dusting, and organizing.. I ran into several things that made me wonder why I kept any of this stuff. Of the questionable items were pictures, (ugh unfortunately many of them) of a lot of exes. Some still providing great memories, while others reminding me why I’m crazy sometimes. This got me to thinking.. should I just shred all this? Now mind you, I’m a memory keeper – meaning that I have about 6 memory boxes starting back from college, (thats about 15 years worth – ewww I’m showing my age haha!) and I still save stuff to this day – cards, pictures, ticket stubs, event tickets, you name it, if I think it holds some sort of value to my life, then it’s a keeper.

The stuff that sort of pinches my insides are the hardest – do I keep it as a reminder? To remind myself what never to do again? Or is it worthless because I mean, in the end, who is gonna keep it all anyway?! You see, never mind myself, but there are photos from weddings of friends who are also now divorced, many of those friends I don’t even talk to or even know where they are anymore. Photos of trips, and events with exes, other family member exes.. etc.. so strange. Again, some of them were great to remember.. others, (honestly, I’m pretty proud of myself for this – I had already cut out the exes from the photos or just removed them and stuck them in a ‘random’ pile. Yup, I was that girl – I will cut you out of pictures.. Mmwuaahahaha!) those others.. they just, I don’t know, it wasn’t pain, it was more annoyance. I kept saying, Ugh, jerk – never again! Haha, but for my soul, it was a great reminder of how much better my choices have been. To be clear, I did decide to shred some photos.. of duplicates, and some that just had no need to stay in my brain’s ‘memory box’.

Thankfully with technology, (or maybe NOT thankfully..) nowadays, the most you can do is delete photos anyway – yet as we have learned – they are never deleted for good. Which I guess sort of helps my idea of saving of such things that, Hey, if the internet keeps it forever, I guess I can too. It was definitely a strange journey through the pictures that start from the 6th grade – when I was still living in SoCal (the 1st time) – I pretty much spent about 2 hours reliving my entire late childhood and my transition into adulthood. Gonna be honest, it was slightly awkward at times haha. I had some good stuff to show my roommate too, and overall, I was pretty happy to finally get through it. Honestly, there was a part of me that was scared at what I’d find. But hey, if wedding certificates paper-clipped to divorce decree’s aren’t scary anymore, then really, what could possibly be in there that could still scare me?

I guess my point in all this, even for someone like me who loves tomorrow – I am a planner by nature, and you can’t plan without tomorrow! You also can’t have new beginnings without today! – As much as we/I want to keep yesterday far behind us and focus on the now..and plan for tomorrow.. the past never seems to go away.. Sometimes it even finds you after a few years just to remind you of how far you’ve come – or maybe for some, and in some cases for me – to show you how much further you can go. It’s a crazy life we live, and all you can do is keep learning, keep trucking, keep remembering that it is all yesterday. We are constantly in the past, in yesterday.. That second it took to write that last sentence, yup already the past. Interesting isn’t it? So why be afraid of it? We are constantly living in it.

See what happens when I get sick? I think too much. Happy random Sunday!

Cheers!

is 1 really the loneliest number?

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

About a week ago on the infamous FB, I posted something along the lines of :

“why is it when I want to be alone, there’s always someone asking to do stuff.. then when I want to hang out with people.. no one is around! 😐 #gah #oppositesattract #boredpost”

And this idea got me thinking.. When this sort of thing happens.. and I feel like its been happening more frequent lately.. is it the universe trying to tell me something? Do I need this time to be alone and reflect? Do laundry? Read? Find life’s purpose? Anything!? Because sometimes we need alone time and I get that. And sometimes maybe we need it forced on us because life can be a constant GO.. and we lose track of.. well.. life. I definitely enjoy it when I need it. Whether it’s yoga at 8am, breakfast by myself, or reading & writing time at the cafe.. lets be honest.. I even enjoy alone time at the cafe just merely surfing the web and following up on Facebook and Pinterest :p Point is, does the universe ‘force’ this type of thing on us because there is something we are missing and maybe need to notice? I don’t know, but I will definitely re-think those ‘where is everyone?!’ moments and evaluate.

The other thought that came to mind was.. ‘Ok, if I’m not supposed to have alone time, is this a sign to re-evaluate the people that surround me?’ This idea resonated more when I was in the midst of a 2hr late-night conversation with a dear friend of mine who I would literally pay $470 to fly 5hrs.. across the country.. just to attend a party for one night.. (literally still ironing out the details there!) Anyway, as we were chatting, we talked about how relationships change, and how sometimes our perceptions of some relationships also change. And we talked about my FB post and mentioned what I wrote in the first sentence of this paragraph – should I re-evaluate the people around me? Because the thought behind this is.. if this is some sort of new trend occurring more frequently then usual, maybe it isn’t me.. maybe it’s the company I don’t keep. Because the coincidence of me being unavailable or another person being unavailable is normal and understanding.. but to have several people coincidentally unavailable while I am just chillin’ by myself is, well, interesting.

So again, I’m not quite sure which way I am falling.. However I will say this – In the recent incidences of this happening I utilized my time for added alone-ness and life reflection and questions of self-improvement.. but I have also reconsidered my feelings for a handful of people in my life. Life is a constant change – good, bad, and indifferent – although each of those many will argue are based on perception.. I feel all change is good in some way. Whether we see is now or later, whether it hurts or massages the soul.. being able to walk through a new door/day can never be bad.

So yes, per usual, I will look at both sides.. and well maybe, that was the point of this all along. Maybe this has been happening more frequent because I need to do both. There are a million sayings about people that come into your life.. you cross paths for many reasons.. and many aren’t meant for forever, but just for a purpose.. whether to learn something or whatever.. One thing I definitely got out of that 2rh late-night conversation was that whatever the reason.. one thing is true, we all just want to be happy. And to be happy, we need to create happy surroundings.. whether it’s your work, your hobbies, yourself, and/or your people.

cheers!

bon anniversaire! (deux)

~ NewBeginnings ~ 2 Comments

whoaaa.. look at me go!

Play on words there people – because its not a birthday, it is an anniversary. But aren’t anniversaries just that? Birthdays.. for events?! hehe

Today marks one year saying yes to consciously hanging out on the reg with one of the most super-awesome people ever.. who has tested my patience from our very first conversation. Haha 😀 It’s true though. It’s been a hysterical year really, normal ups and downs.. and realizations. A year I thought I’d never see come full circle honestly.. but gosh darn it, am I blessed or what?! And boy has it been worth every second.

No matter where this relationship takes us.. to forever.. or just a “forever within the numbered days”.. 😉 Not only will it have been/be a pleasure to spend the time with this person, but also a privilege. Our friendship alone is better than most relationships.. (we are kind of amazing 😉 ) never mind the possibilities of tomorrow.

I have met a lot of great people in my day, but never have I met someone with such a beautiful soul, who is hysterically funny, with such GORGEOUS eyes.. (HAD to!) But really – even through some of the downs.. its a funny thing when you learn something from what you sometimes find as a fault. Like saying ‘sorry’. Mind.Blown.

I love this person, and I love how careful they are. How considerate, thoughtful, immensely smart, understanding, strong – in all ways, and focused they are. Most importantly, for me, patient – as you know, I’m kind of a handful, and somewhat.. crazy? haha 😉

So here’s to a tiny milestone in this thing we call life.. Here’s to more FUN runs, gin/vodka-waters, Whole Foods experiences, bad horror movie watching, emoji faces, and, of course, adventures! I can only pray I’m lucky enough to have even more of them.

To me, to you.. to US.. Cheers ❤

the longest facebook post ever.

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Now don’t get upset, but this won’t be about the longest fb post ever.

Honestly, I’m partially happy that I didn’t go fb-happy during the holidays this year and here’s why..

I was too busy actually spending time with people.

And let me tell you, I tried! Hahaha I did.. part of me started getting frustrated at the fact that I was unable to post all the pictures and all my annoying Christmas, i.e. Jesus’ Birthday, cheer and New Years hopefulness. For the first time in a long time, I felt it was more important to actually absorb everything around me instead of trying to let people (who could prob care less anyway) know what I was doing, and how exciting! it all was.

I totally understand the concept and the importance of social media so don’t get me wrong. I understand that without it, friendships may not have been saved, or long-distance family time would be more than scarce. Trust me, it helps me everyday keep in touch with my long-distance loves ❤ I also know many a people who have met loves of their lives on social networks. But I also know how it has ruined relationships and hindered actual social lives.

If you have read anything of mine, you will know that I feel the spirit of any holiday (and/or birthday) should carry throughout the year, not just that day, or time; because we should be celebrating life and all it brings everyday. However, “reality” for most, isn’t my way of thinking. Knowing this, we should be more diligent in taking the time during those holidays that focus on family, friends, and sharing, and actually spend the time doing it vs telling internet people about it. And per usual, I am sorry that I always seem to get a little bit morbid.. But, the time we waste during those crucial moments, even just minutes, are minutes not spent with people we apparently love. Those minutes may come in handy one day.. when you are counting them down.

So my Christmas? If you’re still wondering.. was spent in NYC.. with family.. a new family at that, and even though they weren’t my own, they deserved all the love and magic.. and cupcakes! Christmas had to offer. Because that’s what Christmas is all about. Jesus.. (had to!) and family. (Which really go hand-in-hand if you know anything about Christianity) Anyway -rant.over- the entire time I was there, it wasn’t so much about what we were doing anyway, but who was doing what. Were we all together? Was someone still sleeping? And honestly, the best moments were the conversations around the kitchen table.. or possibly playing Heads Up (no, not 7up) because karaoke and karate are pretty similar.. just sayin.

And New Years? I might add.. Was also spent with family, mine this time, and some friends with lots of food and drink. Nothing too crazy, which is out-of-the-ordinary for me, but still splendid all the same.

This past year was another crazy chapter in my life-book. There were plenty roller-coaster moments.. some over-exaggerations, lots of emoji faces.. I laughed, I cried, and had more than enough learning-mistakes. I met several amazing people – two of which, keep me on my toes, and refuse to let me live by a plan.. and more in the moment ❤ – and I made some overly-amazing friends. I survived my first year back in the sate of my birth and full-circled back to one of the best companies out there that was so gracious to offer me a new, great job. I survived the darkest of times, a mechanical bull accident, my new job transition.. in the middle of the holidays, mind you.. which included a business trip two weeks before Christmas! and I even survived meeting my boyfriends’ family. AH!

My annoying optimism will admit, this was a perfect year.. just like all the rest. Because how can any year not be perfect if I’m still standing?

So here’s to another frustratingly-exciting, magically-wild, overly-emotional, and crazily-awesome year.

Cheers!

back to the drawing board.

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

i literally just erased this entire post about 30 minutes ago.

i realized, one: i like typing in lowercase, hehe.. and two: i keep these drafts that are meant to be finished at the time of emotion.. yet they just sit in my queue. the universe must be telling me something. ive noticed that when i stretch and stretch out thoughts.. the main idea tends to get lost. i start focusing on my grammar more than my thought.

knowing this.. i decided to just type up a recap of this last post that i meant to publish, and just explain the angst inside me as simple as possible.

Ahem.. So.. after 11 months of being away, I took a trip back East.. visited some peeps, went on a few adventures.. had the BEST.BREAKFAST.EVER, but missed my bestest waitress 😦 I felt comfort in the city and lost in the woods. I realized within two days that this was no longer “home”. I then realized days later on the plane back West.. that one: I have been struggling with this idea of “home” for a while, and two: there were now only about 3 people that I could still call family.

This trip was a great learning experience. Most people found my explanation of my trip rather strange.. not understanding my confusion with feelings. You see I thought, as most of the people who know me thought, that I would land in Boston, breathe in the air, have a cannoli.. then drive up into the woods and relish in all its greenery.. and one changing leaf.

But that didn’t happen. I mean, I was very happy to see people.. some more than others, of course.. it’s always about the people. However, there was something weird and unsettling about it all. In all the familiarity and comfort, it’s like I no longer belonged. And maybe this was just a taste of my own medicine. Because for 18 of the 18yrs I lived in New England.. all I talked about was moving back West. I was always a SoCal girl to many.. I was a SoCal girl at heart.

SoCal was where I fell in love with the ocean, where I learned to play volleyball at the age of 9. Where I grew up learning from my father that I could do whatever I wanted as long as I worked hard enough.. and don’t let anyone tell me otherwise because I was a girl (you got it dad! 🙂 ).

But New England.. New England is where my love for the ocean grew, and where I was given the opportunity to play volleyball through college. It’s where I saw first hand that it is hard work that you needed to succeed. It’s like SoCal was the idea, and New England was the blueprint (for simplicity’s sake we’ll call it a plan).. and now full circle.. I am on to the execution stage.

It’s funny too, because thats exactly how I feel. Like I am taking two pieces of life and trying to make them fit together. And they can’t. Because plans come from ideas.. and you cant execute anything without a plan.

So instead of trying to figure out what “home” is, I am trying to find comfort in knowing that I love both places in different ways, and more important, both places are a piece of me.. whether I like it or not. One is the spark, the other the flame.

I just need to focus on loving the ideas I love, and re-evaluating the plans I don’t love.. to keep working on the execution.

ode to family..

~ NewBeginnings ~ 2 Comments

It’s funny how the one place I wanted to leave for so long is now the only place I want to be right now.

For almost a year, I have been living “uncomfortably”. That whole Life begins at the end of your comfort zone idea was really ringing true, and I liked it. I still do. But oddly enough, what I never expected is that when it comes to comfort, it’s not necessarily where you are or what you are doing.. it’s who you are with.

What I realized is that my people, are family more than than they are friends. They have seen the darkest of dark, the craziest of crazy.. every tear shed, every smile shared. They have been there through every bad decision and every highlight. Every aching moment of despair and every hysterical laugh over a chambord margarita.. or a pumpkinhead.. or a gin & tonic.. or a sam summer.. or.. you get the idea, HA! I definitely have not been the most pleasant person to deal with, and even with my most vulnerable moments exposed, they still decided to keep me around. Through these past 10 months living my dream in the “uncomfortable”.. they are the ones who have been there to share every moment. They have been my cheerleaders and my support system.. As hard as it was being 3k miles away.. they took care of me when I was home alone with the flu on New Years Eve. They were high-fiving me through the phone when I finally started playing volleyball again.. and they even gave me a raised eyebrow and a ‘not surprised’ attitude when I fractured my thumb riding a mechanical bull..

It’s amazing, the types of connections people can have with each other. It always comes back to that old saying.. “I’d rather have 4-quarters than 100-pennies.” Thankfully, I have 5 😉

And don’t get me wrong, I have had, and still have, so many Michael Buble moments of “And I’m surrounded by.. A million people I.. Still feel all alone..” So cliche I know, but it’s true. It’s incredible what people can do to a life once they learn all about it.. and more so, how much people need it. In life, what people want most is acceptance and understanding. And even though you can seriously be surrounded by many great people, that doesn’t mean you receive either of those. The hardest part in all this, is finding those people that you can share your life with..

Having been accustomed to a traveling lifestyle as a child, and living a 50/50 life of East Coast, West Coast, the only thing I really strived on accomplishing was being part of a family. From the minute that plane hit NH soil back in 1994, I dreamed of moving back to the Golden State because that’s where I thought my family was, and that’s where I belonged. Yet in the 18 years I lived in the East, I never realized that I was creating the family I always wanted.. one who loved me unconditionally, with no obligation, no expectation.. just love.

And I cannot wait to squeal like a 5yr old when I see all you loves of my life♥

“The most important thing in life is your family. There are days you love them, and others you don’t. But, in the end, they’re the people you always come home to. Sometimes it’s the family you’re born into and sometimes.. it’s the one you make for yourself.” -Sex&theCity

bon anniversaire!

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Anniversaries are just the Birthdays of events. And we all know how much I love Birthdays! Whoop!

The end of July marks an anniversary for me that most people may never admit or even be proud of.. I will have survived an entire year of single-dom.

For some, a year may be nothing.. for others.. it may be a lifetime. For me, I thought a year would feel like a lifetime.. and for those who know me well, this is.. well, absolutely wild and somewhat of a monstrosity. Hahaha 🙂

However, it has been a wonderful year of survival and personal enlightenment. Don’t get me wrong, there have been days where I felt lonely.. I may have even struggled. But these moments were few and far between, and really.. even in the best of relationships, there is always a lonely or struggling moment.

So to this, I applaud myself. Because really, with the demons of my past that I carry around, it really is a surprise that I just didn’t attach myself to the first, sad, young man.. falling at my feet. And what’s even more amazing are the things that I figured out when there was nothing to take care of but myself.

I actually started to value the idea of a relationship. Crazy I know, because many find me cynical. But if you can break a piece of wall or open a window into my insides, you’ll find that it is not cynicism, but really, the complete opposite. I’ve mentioned this in many of my posts, at how in Love I am with the idea of love. Being alone for this long made me appreciate love for what it actually is and put the idea into perspective: I refuse to settle, I refuse to compromise myself. I value teamwork.

I have seen, with my own eyes, that in any relationship, whether friendship or romance, it is not about giving up any part of yourself. It is about working together and finding a solution or balance that suits both parties. Because in the end, working this way, you give up nothing more than arguments and stress. And I’ve learned, that yes, while it may be a difficult road to find that someone who makes it easy to work with, it will be worth it. Here’s an archive that might explain more.

So if you find yourself in this position of single-dom, my only advice is to be strong enough to spend the time alone. I know so many people who have never been single. I know people who during their ‘single’ days, are galavanting off into multiple affairs. Yah, I get it, because I have totally done that myself too, and I guess that’s my point.. for the first time ever in 32 years.. my focus was solely on myself.  More people need to take a min and watch themselves. I have found when people do that, myself included, they find that they are not quite the person even they would have a relationship with.. never mind the judging aspect.

Anywayyy..! Here’s to more new adventures, potential new love, and not that I would mind another year of self enlightenment, but I would love to see myself actually putting these ideas to work, and proving that this year.. as lonely, and crazy, and wonderful as it was, made me someone even I want to be with.

Cheers!

gym rant.

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

To the guys at the gym who do push-up after push-up.. after pull-up after pull-up.. after bench press after bench press.. after arm curl after arm curl..

No. No, please do not give me that hey look, please do not come over and talk to me. Why? Well honestly, I am kind of bitchy at the gym, and more so, because you can barely hold yourself up with your tiny, scrawny, little legs that have less muscle-mass than my own. The only conversation I want to have with you is in regards to an explanation of this obsession of being top-heavy! I have never understood it, and it makes men look in-proportionate.

I feel like I look pretty good in a mini, which means by the look of your legs, you might possibly look good in one too. That’s saying a lot.. for a man. And maybe, just maybe that’s why you are at the gym at 11pm on a Tuesday night, trying to talk to girls.

So, please, I ask of you, as nicely as possible.. Please go for a 3mi run on the beach, do some squats, some lunges, whatever.. for like 3 days/wk.. for about 6mo. And maybe the next girl you hey to will will like all of what they see.