I’d have to look at back if I’ve even posted any random thoughts, but really, who’s counting?
I can’t remember the last time I felt so off. I transition into a new role (with my same company) on Monday. And for some reason, I am having the hardest time letting go of certain things. Granted, I spent 8 years in this office which means 8 years with people. (If you have read anything from be before, you know people are very important to me. bc I mean, without people what do we have in this life?!) Although every time I catch myself saying that, I remember that all that’s left from my start are 6 people. SIX – in a current office of 30. And while I can add some people since they started within a year or so after me, most people have really only worked with me 5 years or less. And more so, most of those people I don’t even care about, lol.
So as I sit here, the one weekend, OF ALL FREAKIN WEEKENDS, where I have nothing going on, but yet feel the need for the most support – I am struggling with this past/present/future construct again. I know being present is the best way to be. We only have today. I am also excited for what the future may potentially bring, considering, there is a chance I may still be working with many of these people going forward (another reason I don’t understand these random emotions of longing). However, I feel like everything around me is changing. I mean, there are some people I really DON’T want to keep in touch with. There are things I am SO HAPPY to get rid of and not deal with in my new role.
Maybe it’s just the fact that really, nothing major – personally – has happened in like, idk 6 years for me? And career-wise it’s been, what, 4 years? I am always constantly moving and shaking, I thrive on constant change, but I am not making anything happen this time.. It’s all happening TO me.
Can’t believe I just had an epiphany sitting here venting at a screen:
I have control issues
I feel like I’m not “controlling” anything right now
Now, I also know I don’t actually “control” anything except my reactions to things, but the feeling of control is where it’s at. And now, I have not idea why I’m still typing, but I am still posting this in case anyone else out there needs a reminder, or is experiencing an “uncontrollable” moment.
I literally started today feeling so out of place – I woke up “late” (lol thats 7am for me), I didn’t know where to start, (yes, I felt behind already) I couldn’t even form complete sentences in my head. I chatted with a couple friends expressing my off-ness and thought, maybe this is a good blog post. So I started tip-tapping. This isn’t my best work by any means, but now I guess I provided some nonsense to read on your Saturday.
I guess moral of the story is here, if you take a moment to talk through things, write them down, type them even, or just be realistic in mindset, you will find an answer to whatever crazy emotion you are feeling. Not that having an answer helps the whole situation necessarily, but it’s a start to understanding it, and can maybe help stop the laugh-crying while listening to country music *shrug*
If you made it this far, thanks or not getting bored, lol. Stay present, remember not to freak out over change, but if you do, set some time to think. Emotions are problematic to many, and silly for others, but are the only thing we have that keeps us honest. Listen to them.
I feel like I am well known for disappearing in many areas of life at one time or another and then just emerge out of nowhere. And I wonder how people can just forget about me.. but hey, New Beginnings amiright?!
It’s definitely been a hot sec since my last post and for (sort of) good reason. Turning 30-10, getting my job eliminated, trying to stay sane, then having a loss in the family, all resulted in a stall in writing/blogging and per usual.. here I am trying to emerge another butterfly. But as all these things were happening, with many other smaller moments whirling around, like most things in life it was eye opening, and provided many moments of realizations.
One in particular I catch myself in all the time, and will probably forget like a day after I post this.. is the concept of telling “young” people (and I quote that because, young, is a relative term really, based on who you’re talking to) “Don’t worry YOU HAVE TIME”. Not to just toss us into morbid thinking the first 3 paragraphs here.. but DO YOU HAVE TIME?! Do ANY OF US?! Think about it – yah I know the mortality rate is increasing as years go on with technological advances in the sciences and medical fields. However, just the past year alone – I’ve learned of many people passing – not necessarily all people I am, or were, close with, but people my age nonetheless, plus or minus a few years, and beyond. Not only that, but people die every day. And how many of those people were told they “had time”!? Probably 90% of them. That has always fascinated me, whether it was someone very close, and the loss was devastating, or someone you read about in the paper.. life just keeps going. Those left here, wake up another day, people still going to work, having lunch, etc.. There are SO MANY things happening in the world.. and we just keep trucking along, because time stops for no one.
Point in this idea, while I was in the Northeast visiting family and friends, on a car ride with my bestie, we talked about a related topic of “If you die tomorrow, are you happy with your last day?” A similar conversation also occurred at dinner before my flight with another good friend talking about – you don’t want to go to the gym today? DON’T. Everything is a decision we make for our own journey’s. You regret not going to the gym? Then maybe you should go. Maybe that last workout defined your presence here. I’ll tell you right now tho – NOT ME. LOL. I have given up yoga, a run, lots of things to spend time with people. Because THAT is what’s important to ME. Hence, DO YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TIME!? If someone ever asked me to grab a drink or meet up at the cafe, and I’m like – sorry gotta get this run in.. NOPE. Because I could get hit by a car while running. THEN WHAT? I missed my final chance to spend time with someone who chose to spend time with me. Now, I am a little crazy and if I really wanted to run, I would just adjust my day, and create a way to accomplish both.. anywayyyy.. Point is, my journey, I choose what is important and what I want my final day to look like.
With another death in the family, this concept hit a little harder this time. Like.. right – why do we think we have time for ALL THE THINGS? And maybe that’s why I am living with some debt due to plane tickets and travel plans. That’s why I will always say YES to any adventure, any last min plan that will make my soul happy. As much as I am excited about Tomorrow (bc all my travel plans obvs, lol), I have taken a moment every day, to ask, “If I die tomorrow, am I happy with what I did on my last day?” Now I know we need means for the ends to be able to accomplish some things we would want to – if we truly lived like today was our last. But I take it into perspective, because I know and listen to people constantly wanting to mend a broken relationship, or even just get a mani-pedi. DO IT. Will all things turn out in our favor? No. But no matter how any moment turns out, you now have the ability to say you did it. If you wake up tomorrow, theres a new opportunity (a New Beginning, if you will 😉 ) to either save face, find closure, or even revel in the glorious outcome that may have come from whatever it was you wanted to do.
I know this is no easy task, we are all victim to vulnerability, shame, self-doubt. But if even a small change in mindset can bring you to think about possibly having no tomorrow, what would you do? Or even just TRY to do? This all comes down to just being present and thinking about it a different way.
Ask her/him out, sign up for that race, join that meet up, read the extra book, go on that vacation, apply for that job. So many things that seem simple that we hold back due to the unknown reaction we may receive. Just DO IT.
If tomorrow never comes, would you be happy how you ended today?
I was thinking this morning and chatting with my roommate about the past year, and we discussed not only how crazy this year has been.. But more so, how much can change, in so “little” time. By little, I mean anything from 1 month, to an entire year. And yes, a year is a small amount of time in the big picture of life. As I approach 30-10 (yes I will use this for as long as I can, and be annoying about it and I don’t care, bc I am not part of those people above 39) One year seems so small now – I’ve started looking at life in, like, 5 year increments. Point is, we talked about last year – and the beginning of this year (before pandemic lockdowns) and we reminisced about when I moved in, in April. Literally within a month, I searched for a new home, got denied for my current place because someone was already getting background checked, then getting a call that it fell through, and the place is mine after all!
Fast forward and here we are, 7 months later, and I can’t believe it’s almost been a year. On top of life events, we also talked about relationships.. And as we approach another new year, I realized I have not done the same thing, or spent time with the same people 2 years in a row for New Years. I literally looked back at my socials and checked every New Years I celebrated since moving to SoCal, and the closest I got to spending time, or celebrating with the same people would be 2014 and 2016 (I think? I cant remember anymore, all I remember was there was a year gap in between) I spent New Years with one of my cousins and that group of friends. Then again 2018 and 2020, I celebrated with friends and one friend in particular was there both years. But even then, both events were very different and the people involved were even more different, aside from the one familiar face.
I don’t know if this is the same for all you reading, but my life in particular, clearly revolves around meeting new people all the time, creating new connections, friendships, and sadly weaning out those who no longer keep my soul on fire.
I even think back to a particular Birthday of a wonderful person, who I no longer really connect with anymore.. but I spent about $200 if I remember correctly, on this person for her Birthday. She never had a Spa/Massage experience, and I wanted to give that gift of experience for her. Some people thought I was a little crazy as I had only known this person maybe a year at this point, but we had gown closer the past couple months – and I distinctly remember saying something along the lines of: You never know what is going to happen tomorrow, I may never celebrate another Birthday with her again, so I’m taking advantage of time now, and just the mere fact that I can afford such gift, because THAT could be the change in coming years as well.
I also remember the faces of the people I said this to. I wish we could be constantly reminded of that idea, because literally within 3 months of that Birthday, I broke up with a mutual friend I was dating, tension arose, and then a separate issue of mis-communication happened.. and here we are no longer close, lol.
As I was thinking about these events this morning within my roommate chat, I somehow got so excited for tomorrow, I actually started to tear up. Because as much as the unknown scares me.. i.e. this is why I’m still single, (bc the thought of losing someone in a blink of an eye is scarier than knowing it could be forever) I ABSOLUTELY LOVE the idea and fact that anything is possible tomorrow.
And I know I have blogged about this in the past – but I think with all that has happened this year.. the excitement, and hope, and faith in the future is just emotional for me right now. Maybe because I just want to manifest so much for myself and those I love. Maybe because I’ve felt lonely for the first time, in a LONG time, and knowing the possibilities are endless in meeting new people or even reuniting with people from days before. And not that I’m saying going back to exes is ever a good idea, but truth be told, I have a handful of “loves lost” that are very good friends, and it’s wild to think back to the person I was then vs the person I am today.
That’s the thing with connections.. they are just THERE. You can’t quite explain it, the same way as when there ISN’T a connection. And sometimes, as we have read in all the clichéd quotes, sometimes, you meet people for a reason, a season, and whatever else comes next.. but you get my point.
As I start to think about how to close out this random-ass post, that I just decided to do because: 1) its literally been almost a year since my last post, and 2) we are headed into the season of giving and gratefulness – I guess I want to make sure ya’ll get something out of this.
So long story, a little longer – as I was looking at the past year, it was also a bit upsetting. This time last year, I was invited to go to Bali. This time last year I was booking hotel and airfare to Boston for one of my most favorite peoples wedding. 90% of 2019 was an adventure and I finally felt like I was learning who I was. I had posts going into December, then January (Birthday Season!), about how busy 2020 was already turning out to be. I planned a small Birthday outing because Europe 2020 was supposed to be the plan for the 30-10 celebration. Everything was cancelling from that point on.
But on a recent zoom meeting at work, first question was: how are you feeling? One of the next questions was about how to improve culture, and one of my favorite people made me rethink the year. She said (and I paraphrase here): Although its been a tough year, there was still SO MUCH good. We had people making babies, having babies, getting married, buying homes, getting engaged – and that was just people from work!
I thought about this personally, I ALSO had friends having babies, buying land and building homes, and making huge moves like I did at 31 to another state to see what else is out there in the world. There was good, lots of it. It was just hidden by the loud screams of society. And by screams, I mean the non-factual, negative, shouting from many different sides on many different issues. When it comes to important issues, its one thing to debate, argue even.. FACTS – but its another to just yell opinions with no basis of truth. If you know anything about me – I love facts! I love truth. Because whether we like it or not, facts and truths allow people to make decisions. And its nothing we can challenge. This is also why I love emotions – dem betches don’t lie.
Moving on, point of that last story share, is that all these small details, I assume are the reason for this newfound hope and optimism. Because there is still good no matter how bad anything seems. And to bridge all these points, its the people that help bring us there.
Look at who is around you, what’s that saying? You are who your closest 5 friends are.. (or whatever) Who are those people!? Are they good support systems? Do they challenge you? Is there anyone you have learned from? Should you reach out to them again if they fell of your life wagon? Is there someone you need to push OFF the wagon?! Are there people fueling your fire? Or are they stealing your heat to improve their own flame and leave you cold?
As we close out one of the most turbulent years most of us have ever experienced, remember its been proven that people and community are what keeps people happy and provide longevity. This is a great time, if you don’t already, to revisit wants and needs – and the people behind them. Because again, the only constant in life is change. And as scary as that is for me – mainly my fear of losing people – I do truly feel so good about what’s to come because life can change in a millisecond. I am choosing to view that as a positive, and I hope y’all absorb that energy in whatever aspect of your life needs it.
I will now leave you with my screenshot below where my message transcends people and describes all aspects of life, work, hobbies, etc.. ❤ Can’t wait for more of those conversations.
I leave in two weeks on a jet plane.. and DO know when I’ll be back again.. And every trip I take, especially if it exceeds 3 days, I always clean up my apartment. Every piece of laundry gets done – especially towels and sheets. I dust like I’ve never dusted before, and go through corners of my place I haven’t looked at since the last trip.
And every time.. I swear it never fails.. I always find a certain photo album (or two).. wait, do y’all know what photo albums are?! Lol. These particular ones are stored on the shelf of one of my tables. And I have to move them to dust all the corners. I don’t clean this thorough every time as I mentioned, but I’ll be away for a bit this time. So anyway, if I’m getting this OCD, I of course open them.
The years range from college until about 2006 or 2007 I think? Which were my years of bad decisions.. and hilarity, if I’m gonna be honest lol. Looking through, there were SO MANY emotional moments, good memories, and several uncomfortable pulls to the heart strings.
I remember other times looking through these and thinking, “If I could have one day back there..”
But now, whether it be letting a lot of that go, (which I have been working on as we know) or just being extremely happy and grateful where I am now, I didn’t have that thought pop in my head.
It was weird really. Because there are still so many good feelings from those days and I sort of felt bad thinking, “Why would I NOT want to spend just one more day there?” But of course, I know why. If there is just one thing I’ve learned these past, what did I say in my last post? 60 days? Lol, is that the past is exactly what it is – past tense. Behind us. Not happening now.
And as much as my heart warmed to see a few old faces, and even searching (and finding!) someone on Facebook, (although I don’t think it’s someone I can be “friends” with) with happiness to see them doing well – from a social media standpoint, that is – I just sat there, looked around me, remembered what I was doing, and thought about the current people in my life. More so, realizing that 2 of my people are people from those times, and know WAY TOO MUCH about me, Lol.
Point is, I’m here now. So much of our time is spent talking or thinking about yesterday that sometimes we forget what’s happening in front of us. Or even, what possibilities are waiting for us tomorrow. And as I’m learning how important it is to allow your past to be free, today was a great reminder because of how far I’ve come.
Don’t get me wrong, reminiscing is wonderful. Wondering how people are doing is wonderful. So many moments from yesterday are wonderful. But as wonderful (or not) the past may be, we have to remember not to stay there too long because even the “good” can hold you back from the “better” that today and tomorrow have.
And some may argue about people coming back and moments resurfacing, but be mindful, a person from your “past” that you see today, is now a person in your “present”. Make sense? I mean I can’t tell you if that’s a good decision or not, lol, maybe it’s a career contact? But point is, every day is a new beginning. Every day you are farther away from birth. Life changes in seconds, never mind minutes. So to be worried about or trying to relive anything from yesterday just holds you back from where you are now, which is where you are meant to be.
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UPDATE!
I never posted this, so.. I’ll pick up where I left off.
I went on that trip, lol and re-reading this draft was perfect because the trip was perfect. I saw MANY people from my “past” whether planned or unplanned. And I roamed land I haven’t seen in YEARS.
It was honestly one of the best trips I have had in a while. And it’s a perfect ending to this post. Because one of the best parts of this trip was realizing the whole “past” and “present” idea. And how we, as people, never change. Life does. What we do does, who we keep close with does, careers change, but our innate personalities and beings do not.
More so, how we interact or connect with people – it does change, but when you have certain people in your life, what’s that I said? “We picked up where we left off.. it’s like we never stopped talking.”
Yes! This is where past and present collide. The people you feel this way about, they are meant to be in the present. Seriously – a few people I saw the past week, it literally was like – what year is it?! Our lives may have changed, but we still had those connections – nothing forced, just the comfort of something that feels like it’s meant to be here today. At one point during my first night in town after an amazing surprise.. I said, “I’m just sitting here trying to figure out how the hell the 4 of us ended up here, lol!” Because we were not sitting there living in yesterday, we were there in the present, talking, reminiscing, making new memories. When it came to memories, the conversation tied more to where we are now, and how far we all have come. It was today we were experiencing, and embracing, and talking about. And then we started to plan for tomorrow.
So I guess to bring this full circle, the past is where it is for a reason. Let it go. Find closure. Keep your heart open and let it pass through. But people – I hate being super cheese but, if people are meant to be, they never stay behind. They never “come back.” Time may pass, but connections never fade. They are always here. In the present.
And this is where we should be focused to stay, present. Everyday is a new beginning.
To New Beginnings 