Tag: people

i can’t make you love me if you don’t.

~ NewBeginnings ~ 2 Comments

“Some people are settling down, some people are settling, and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.” -Sex & the City

I refuse to settle.

And to clarify, I don’t see settling as in getting married or having children, or buying a house even.. any of that. Because, believe it or not, I want some of those things.. I want to love and be loved, but I know enough to wait for what is right for me. I refuse to do anything because of my age, or what society thinks I should be doing. Settling down for me is doing something for the mere reason that people, or society, expect it of you, not because you actually want to do it.

I especially believe this in terms of love. I have read in several places that people are in relationships for many reasons but not necessarily because of love. How sad is that!? I mean, if you think about it, we aren’t even friends with people because we genuinely like them or have anything in common.. many times it is a feeling of sheer obligation. I’ve also read a breakdown of the differences between love and obsession, lust, and control even. And honestly, this is why the divorce rate is 50%.

Don’t hate people, its a statistic. Fact. (in case you feel the need to read up on it, here’s a link for you) statistics

And also, in the 50% who stay married, only a fraction of those are together because of love. Now that is really sad.

As much as I LOVE living in a fantasy of romance and undying love, rom coms, and fairytales, (which, as many of you know, my likeness for these things is absolutely rediculous) I still understand, and learn everyday that love is more than convenience, expectation, practicality, being comfortable, and the idea of “I don’t think I can find anything better.” When I hear this, I want to kick a puppy. Is that what you really think? Or are you just being impatient? Lazy? Are you just plain scared of being vulnerable? These are the chances I am willing to take. Love is not “Well we’ve been dating 2 years, it’s time to get married.” Is it?! We’re talking forever here people.. do you realize this? Oh right, you can just get divorced.. because that’s a whole lot of fun I tell you.

Maybe it’s because I am part of that previously stated statistic and I refuse to add to it again. Maybe because of my previous ‘failure’ I finally understand what marriage actually means. Forever. I am slowing beginning to see, after physically seeing with my own eyes, so many people after me who got married, or divorced, or both even.. that marriage is no longer being taken seriously. It just becomes another ‘step’. Especially for those who are in long relationships.. hate me all you want for saying this, but maybe you aren’t supposed to get married.. maybe your long relationship is just that – a relationship you’ve had for a long time. I have been there, I know others who have been there too.. leaving relationships after 4, 8 years even. Marriage was not meant to be a ‘step’ it was, and is, meant for love.. not taxes, not babies, love. With love, comes the rest.. Maybe I’m trying too hard to explain this. But, maybe.. out of sheer hope, people will read and view life a little differently and actually take the time to fall in love vs just taking what they can get.

And yes, I’ve heard you critics, life now is not what life was back then.. blah blah.. The Bible is dated.. Society has changed.. That’s great, well if society has changed so much, then why are women, on average, still getting paid less then men? Why is there still discrimination? Why do families automatically expect children the minute people get married? Are you now going to argue on the basis of tradition? Exactly.. this is an on-going argumentative cycle. People may have changed, but feelings have not.

Love is a feeling, it is understanding. It’s compromise. Not in compromising yourself, but in finding compromise together. It’s being true to yourself and seeing truth in each other. It’s living as individuals, and bringing home your separate ideas to collaborate, or at least agree to disagree. It’s ever-changing.. because our lives are ever-changing. It’s loving all of someone including their imperfections.. not despite them. It’s allowing each other to be vulnerable because we all need to expose ourselves sometimes so we don’t feel shame. It’s about accepting that vulnerability because we all are victim to it.. It’s about not expecting strength and perfection at all times.

Love is about finding that person or people even, including friends, who see you for everything your worth, down to the bones. Vulnerable. Shameful. To be able to stand by you when you are not strong. Through imperfections. Love is not about knowing what buttons to push, but knowing why there are buttons at all. Love is truly unconditional.

And don’t get me wrong, of all the people I know who are married, with children, etc.. I know a few who are truly in love, who are together because of each other, not out of circumstance.. But I can count those couples on one hand.

Call me crazy, but no, I won’t settle, I refuse to allow myself to just be ‘comfortable’. I refuse to allow time, and society, and even friends and family, to create my boundaries. I refuse to be part of anything other than that 2% or so of the population who are together because of love.

Will I have to wait till I’m 80? Maybe. Will I be lonely? At times.. Will it be worth it? Yes.

im sorry, what month is it?!

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

We are getting ready to head into the half-way mark of 2013.

Half this year is almost over. I literally had a mini freak out about it today, so in true blogger fashion, I thought I’d share my thoughts with you.

I was driving with my roommate explaining how I’m making myself crazy because the months keep flying by. Weeks.. gone. Days.. a blur. Hours even.. Seconds.. mere memories. I was, and still feel like, life is happening way too fast for me right now. So much so, that I have no clue how to control it. My lovely roommate casually responded with something like, “Well, you can’t control it, life will always go too fast.”

And deep down I know that. I know I can’t control much of anything except myself and my actions. And I think that’s why I was freaking out. I was starting to become those people I blogged about once. Take a read when you get a moment:

..lets not go so fast this time..

I finally have a job I enjoy.. It is M-F, 8:30am – 5pm. Of course, on occasion I’m out a little late or in a little early.. but generally speaking I have a pretty normal schedule. I have weekends off. I have a ‘normal’ work week.

I never thought it would creep up on me and bite me in the ass. As I mentioned, I was, and am, (but trying reaalllyyy hard to stop) becoming one of those people that I blogged about back in 2012. I watch the clock, I work for the weekend.. I can’t wait until Thursday is over. I have openly said “OMG I can’t wait until next Wednesday is over.” Seriously?! I want to push time ahead a week?!

I stopped  s a v o r i n g  every day.

And now, 7 months later, I am just living a cycle of work/weekend/work in the place that I thought would change my life.

Not to say my life hasn’t changed, but something else my roommate mentioned today really made me think. She asked something like, “Well why are you feeling like that?” And continued by adding.. “There’s no need unless you think you are missing out on something, or not doing something you want.”

And honestly I have been thinking about that since I moved here. And if I break it down, the only thing I thought I was missing was money. I have a job I absolutely enjoy, it is exactly what I was looking for to get me into the job market in my field. I love the people I work with.. (although they are not nearly as great of friends as my last job #aeriegirlforlife ..sorry, had to) but the pay isn’t exactly helping me live the life I would like to. And don’t get me wrong, it’s not terrible.. it’s just tough.

And so maybe I just opened up a new door to myself. In writing that last sentence, I realized, maybe there is something missing.

I am recently starting to save for a trip to France. My plan is next year so I have time to save the money and build more vacation time. But in every dollar I save, something comes up. My car registration is in November.. and Christmas, of course, is in December. And never mind life happening.. like getting work done on my car that I need, so I can keep going to work!

So bringing this back a bit, I am missing something. More dreams. I have never traveled and France has been on my to-do list for years. At 32, I don’t feel the clock ticking as far as babies, or marriage, although one day I may still want those things.. But more so, I feel like everyday that passes, is another day gone. One less day I have to live another dream.

And like I wrote back in 2012, I don’t want time to go faster, I just want to enjoy now. I am excited for France, but I want to cherish the struggle it takes for me to get there. I want to appreciate my hard work and appreciate the time I have right now. I want to remember where I came from and be proud of what I have, and hopefully will, become.

Everyday is a blessing. And as much time that I think I may have.. I never really know.

It’s hard, I tell you. But I’m still trying. Because I don’t know what the future has in store. Even scarier, I don’t know when my last days will be. So really, I have nothing more than these moments of now. Nothing more than today.

dont know if you knew..

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

..But I’m a catch damnit.

Someone out there is totally missing out on all of this. (envision some hand movements)

For reals.

theres only one way to go at this point right?

~ NewBeginnings ~ 2 Comments

I’m hoping its UP.

Is it possible to be living opposite of the rest of the world? Like when things are going well for me.. I notice more disappointment and frustration around me.. lots of bad days explained. And, of course, I am not going to begin divulging all my awesomeness about work, life, love, vacation planning, or whatever.. so I enjoy my happiness alone all the while waiting for the rest of the world to catch up so we can share stories.

But like all things, there is also an inverse. So in these moments of self-frustration, and slight-dissapointment in my life, why is it that everyone around me seems to be at the top of their game? I thought misery loved company?! So why is it I always seem to fall at the opposite end of this happy-sad seesaw party..? And of course I never want to make people miserable just so I can be happy again, so all my senses are confused all the time.

I blame it on my natural tendency to be different. I have never followed the pack, expectations, none of it. With being an individual, it sure hits home when I hear that it is lonely at the top. Little do “they” tell you, though (whoever “they” are..) that it’s sure as heck lonely at the bottom too.

And for those of you reading this who know me.. you’re probably all thinking.. “oh Posh.. why are you being overdramatic about small mishaps in your life?!” Well HA I just punked you, because not only have the recent Boston events crushed my little heart, but yah, random rom com moments have happened, disappointments even, but more so, what no one sees.. ok maybe just one person has seen it all with me.. and that person, I KNOW doesn’t think I’m being overdramatic.. because all I have to say to this love-of-my-life-bestie is “FOR REALS?! IS THIS REAL LIFE?! THIS TOO?! UGH.” It’s like my past and present decided to have a pillow fight. Like Carrie said, “The universe may not always play fair, but at least it’s got a hell of a sense of humor.” True story right there.

Because really, if I told everyone, everything that was going on in my life.. where would all my mystery go!? And that also turns into a whole lot of one-sided conversations.. and I don’t like talking to myself.. although it is rather interesting, it’s not nearly as educational or inspiring.

So point being, my inner-disapointments go far beyond what people see or hear from me on the daily. I guess thats an obvious, but you’d be surprised at how many times I’ve experienced an “I know everything about you” moment from people who can barely scratch the surface of the awesomeness that I entail.

Anyway, back to the original question in all this.. Is it possible to be living life opposite of the world? Living as the un-balanced? Is there a reason for this if thats the case? To always provide an opposing side maybe? To remind people that there is always better or worse? To keep other people balanced? I don’t know but I’ll tell you one thing, I surely hope that with all my current internal misery, I’m at least entertaining the rest of you.

Cheers!

“Sometimes life will grab you by the balls and that’s when you have to ask yourself, ‘Do I even have balls, and if so, why are there two?’” ~Chelsea Handler

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~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment


I’ve been experiencing a lot of emotional randomness the past few days..

I know the reasons why.. they have led me to re-think about what I am looking for in life.

I hate days like today.. well, I mean hate is a strong word.. But today created more emotional turmoil inside me. I don’t want to over-saturate all the stories, articles, and blogs about Boston, but I do like to take these moments to remind people what is important in life. People. Love.

picstitchboston

I don’t think I have missed Boston or New England more than I did today. There was an ache inside me, imagining the pain and suffering many people went through this morning. Imagining the city I love so much, the sports teams I grew up with and spent the majority of my adult life cheering on.. Imagining pieces of it blown up. Pieces that I have been a part of, I have walked by.. streets I have walked down.

In the end, in all the memories, I remember the people. Thats what I miss and love the most. The people. Because that is what’s important in life. People. Love.

I love you, people of Boston. I’m thinking about you and praying for you.. Although you probably don’t need it from me.. because, You, are stronger than I am.

“..It takes only seconds to change a life.”

Cheers ❤

because I’m bored.

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

It’s Sunday.

I am wearing the most unflattering cropped yogas.. thankfully I have my brothers old Army sweatshirt to classy it up. I have 5 loads of laundry to do.. technically 6, but I’m going to be lazy and do a load tomorrow. You heard me, I’m lazy doing 5 loads of laundry.. while wearing unflattering cropped yogas.

Clearly, waiting for the cycles to complete leaves me with my mind wanting to do stuff. Isn’t that why I started writing? And what ends up happening, of course, is I write down nonsense.. Nonsense.. all the while my mind continues to think about more important, self-consuming things. Like money, jobs, my future, love, memories, relationships, friendships, family.. the gym.. this guy.. who I consider the man of my dreams, yet-he’s-probably-in-like-a-ten-year-relationship-with-his-high-school-sweetheart-and-has-like-5kids-because-he’s-way-too-hot-to-be-single.. guy. This guy.. who makes me nervous at even just the thought of him.

This guy! Who probably thinks nothing of me, yet he fills most of my thoughts.. daily. Notice I have nothing to say about my job, my future, or money. Even the gym.. and I freakin love the gym! Maybe I’ll go later today.. there. Finally. A different thought in my head.

<<Sigh>>

And here I am swapping laundry loads, in these awful, awful cropped yogas! (I do have to specify the cropped-ness of them because I think it’s the cropped part that makes them worse.)

I’ll just be happy when I have clean, fabulous pieces of clothing available to me so I can change.. to go grocery shopping and run errands..

Oh Sunday.

days like today..

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

i miss bacon mac n cheese.

i miss breakfast. specifically at Parkers.

i miss good beer.

i miss being a regular in a bar and having the bartender not only knowing my name and my drink.. but also knowing and enjoying my latest personal rom com story.

i miss spoon signs. and signs in general. for volleyball games and concerts. i made the best signs. i have witnesses.

i miss making friends.

i miss cookie-cakes.

i miss baristas who write ‘karamel’ on my cup.

i miss chivalry.

i miss smoking cloves at TGIFridays.

i miss going out for drinks after work.

i miss college.

i miss volleyball. and coaching.

i miss sunrises.

i miss new england.. people. ❤

he probably just isn’t into me at all.

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Sometimes I just do not understand myself.

Or maybe I just can’t be Posh without my plates. Thank goodness I pick them up in 4 days. Then maybe.. just maybe I’ll be a normal person again. Maybe.

Many of you have been reading my adventures for a while, and one in particular that really eats me up on the inside is this single life I currently live. Calling single life an adventure is definitely an understatement. It’s freaking c r a z y. And don’t get me wrong, I’m not all looking for marriage and babies tomorrow.. psshhh.. all I want is a possibility. Is that too much to ask?

Ok wait, I’m slightly digressing.. aside from these possibilities I’m apparently looking for, the issue here is in the first sentence.

For those who know me, my nickname Posh, suits me well. I’ve got some edge, some sass, and at times I’m bitchy. I have been known to break hearts. I’ve had my moments of picking, choosing, passing aside, throwing down ‘friend cards’ and even making them chase. I lived through my 20’s knowing that if I played it right, I only bought myself one drink out at a bar. Some may argue, well why even buy one if you are SO good? Well, the boys need to know what I’m drinking right? And that way they think I’m being nice instead of straight up acting like a mooch. Now don’t start judging.. because in the end, If I find someone worth it, I become the most loyal and loving person you’ve ever met. I have witnesses. I just have to weed out the crazies first.

Anyway, I’ve lost it. All of it. The past month or so, I’ve even been TRYING. What is this trying you say!? I’m still confused at the idea. I meet a cute guy and before I find out if they are gay, married, or taken with children, I am at a loss for words. I melt. I’m am 13yr old with High School crushes. I’ve become a Gigi. I fumble my sentences and turn red in the face. I’ve even been wasting a whole lot of money on my own drinks. Damn I tell you.

Maybe it’s karma.. the universe getting back at me in some sick way, taking away my ability to be picky.. but I just can’t wrap my head around the idea of my confidence being slightly damaged, or in more simple terms.. the idea of what the eff happened to me?! Where did Posh go? Where did my fearlessness run to?

I’ve spent 8 months not even batting an eye for the mere fact that I was so very happy to worry about nothing more than myself. But I guess it happens to the best of us.. when we aren’t looking.. someone always has to walk by.. twice.

Like it matters anyway because the best I can even come up with in a conversation is “I love French people”.

Right!? What does that even mean?! Ugh.

I’m just hoping for the best come Thursday, when Posh will be official in CA. Maybe the aura of my plates will ignite a new fire inside me. Maybe.

birthday love.

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

It’s officially been 4 months now in California. Im a few days late in my anniversary, but its because I was too busy celebrating the best.holiday.ever.

The day I was born.

My mother, every year mind you, either calls or texts me on my birthday right around the actual time of birth and tells me she has stomach pains. I can’t make this stuff up. It makes me laugh every year and this year was even better because with her still being on the East Coast, she texted me 3 hours early. And I say early, not just because of the time difference, but because I was born in San Diego, so therefore, my birthday is technically on PST time which I never really noticed till now. She was amused when I mentioned it, and just responded with “Well the pain will last at least 2 hours or more.” Oh mother..

My birthday is usually at least a week-long extravaganza, sometimes month-long, depending on the birthday. This year its just a 3 and a 2, so nothing too spectacular, but it still deserved a week 🙂

The thing with my birthday, which is why I make such a big deal out of it, is that it is two days before Valentine’s day. For many, you may be thinking, “Amazing! Double the gifts!” But for those who share a birthday next to any major Holiday will know how annoying it is. What’s worse is that Christmas babies, Easter babies, even 4th of July babies, at least have REAL holidays to compete with. I, on the other hand, get this fabricated fake-love, reason-to-buy-me-gifts-that-are-meaningless – but-buy-them-anyway-so-there-are-no-fights, “holiday”. I stopped ‘celebrating’ (if you can call it that) Valentine’s day after the 6th grade when handing out valentines started ruining my birthday.

Every year, every birthday, even the important ones like 18, 21, and 30 have been postponed, moved, delayed, or I get a whole lot of late guests because of dinner plans, or valentine’s plans. I’m sorry, I get ONE. ONE freakin day a year to myself like everyone else, and I get it that I have to share it with this fake-love crap, but c’mon.. people still celebrate on the 15th too because dinner reservations are booked. So why ruin MY day!? I honestly feel for the people born on the 14th.. I was almost one of them, but thankfully I was impatient and got out two days early.. because do people with valentine’s birthdays actually ever celebrate their day of birth!? And even worse.. to re-iterate, its not even a REAL holiday!

Ugh, so in essence, my mother learned quick to stop wrapping birthday gifts in red and pink hearts. And stopped giving me “Valentine’s Birthday” cards. I also learned. I have a few December birthdays that I take extra special care of and send an actual birthday card and birthday present to. Because it’s their ONE day of the year too.

I mean, I don’t care when your birthday is, or even if you like birthdays. In the end, everyone, even those who say they don’t like birthdays, appreciate having one special day where people wish them luck, good will, love, or whatever other wishes of happiness there may be. And all these wishes are only that one person. As sad as it may sound, some people only receive recognition on their birthday.. And I know there are multiple people born on the same day, I share mine with a distant cousin, Abe Lincoln, Charles Darwin, Christina Ricci, Arsenio Hall, Bill Russell (Go C’s!) Judy Blume, and even one of my ex’s sisters.. But even still, it’s one day, one of the the most important days of our lives, and arguably THE most important day.. the day we graced this world with our presence. The day we were given the opportunity to be a part of life. If that isn’t reason to celebrate, then I don’t know what is.

So be mindful of holiday birthdays, and all birthdays for that matter, because we only have one.. just like this life. Every year that goes by where you can celebrate another, is a celebration in itself.