Tag: new beginnings

i love elephants, and theres one in the room

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Its name is 2020. Need I say more?

Well, I’m gonna! Lol

I was thinking this morning and chatting with my roommate about the past year, and we discussed not only how crazy this year has been.. But more so, how much can change, in so “little” time. By little, I mean anything from 1 month, to an entire year. And yes, a year is a small amount of time in the big picture of life. As I approach 30-10 (yes I will use this for as long as I can, and be annoying about it and I don’t care, bc I am not part of those people above 39) One year seems so small now – I’ve started looking at life in, like, 5 year increments. Point is, we talked about last year – and the beginning of this year (before pandemic lockdowns) and we reminisced about when I moved in, in April. Literally within a month, I searched for a new home, got denied for my current place because someone was already getting background checked, then getting a call that it fell through, and the place is mine after all!

Fast forward and here we are, 7 months later, and I can’t believe it’s almost been a year. On top of life events, we also talked about relationships.. And as we approach another new year, I realized I have not done the same thing, or spent time with the same people 2 years in a row for New Years. I literally looked back at my socials and checked every New Years I celebrated since moving to SoCal, and the closest I got to spending time, or celebrating with the same people would be 2014 and 2016 (I think? I cant remember anymore, all I remember was there was a year gap in between) I spent New Years with one of my cousins and that group of friends. Then again 2018 and 2020, I celebrated with friends and one friend in particular was there both years. But even then, both events were very different and the people involved were even more different, aside from the one familiar face.

I don’t know if this is the same for all you reading, but my life in particular, clearly revolves around meeting new people all the time, creating new connections, friendships, and sadly weaning out those who no longer keep my soul on fire.

I even think back to a particular Birthday of a wonderful person, who I no longer really connect with anymore.. but I spent about $200 if I remember correctly, on this person for her Birthday. She never had a Spa/Massage experience, and I wanted to give that gift of experience for her. Some people thought I was a little crazy as I had only known this person maybe a year at this point, but we had gown closer the past couple months – and I distinctly remember saying something along the lines of: You never know what is going to happen tomorrow, I may never celebrate another Birthday with her again, so I’m taking advantage of time now, and just the mere fact that I can afford such gift, because THAT could be the change in coming years as well.

I also remember the faces of the people I said this to. I wish we could be constantly reminded of that idea, because literally within 3 months of that Birthday, I broke up with a mutual friend I was dating, tension arose, and then a separate issue of mis-communication happened.. and here we are no longer close, lol.

As I was thinking about these events this morning within my roommate chat, I somehow got so excited for tomorrow, I actually started to tear up. Because as much as the unknown scares me.. i.e. this is why I’m still single, (bc the thought of losing someone in a blink of an eye is scarier than knowing it could be forever) I ABSOLUTELY LOVE the idea and fact that anything is possible tomorrow.

And I know I have blogged about this in the past – but I think with all that has happened this year.. the excitement, and hope, and faith in the future is just emotional for me right now. Maybe because I just want to manifest so much for myself and those I love. Maybe because I’ve felt lonely for the first time, in a LONG time, and knowing the possibilities are endless in meeting new people or even reuniting with people from days before. And not that I’m saying going back to exes is ever a good idea, but truth be told, I have a handful of “loves lost” that are very good friends, and it’s wild to think back to the person I was then vs the person I am today.

That’s the thing with connections.. they are just THERE. You can’t quite explain it, the same way as when there ISN’T a connection. And sometimes, as we have read in all the clichéd quotes, sometimes, you meet people for a reason, a season, and whatever else comes next.. but you get my point.

As I start to think about how to close out this random-ass post, that I just decided to do because: 1) its literally been almost a year since my last post, and 2) we are headed into the season of giving and gratefulness – I guess I want to make sure ya’ll get something out of this.

So long story, a little longer – as I was looking at the past year, it was also a bit upsetting. This time last year, I was invited to go to Bali. This time last year I was booking hotel and airfare to Boston for one of my most favorite peoples wedding. 90% of 2019 was an adventure and I finally felt like I was learning who I was. I had posts going into December, then January (Birthday Season!), about how busy 2020 was already turning out to be. I planned a small Birthday outing because Europe 2020 was supposed to be the plan for the 30-10 celebration. Everything was cancelling from that point on.

But on a recent zoom meeting at work, first question was: how are you feeling? One of the next questions was about how to improve culture, and one of my favorite people made me rethink the year. She said (and I paraphrase here): Although its been a tough year, there was still SO MUCH good. We had people making babies, having babies, getting married, buying homes, getting engaged – and that was just people from work!

I thought about this personally, I ALSO had friends having babies, buying land and building homes, and making huge moves like I did at 31 to another state to see what else is out there in the world. There was good, lots of it. It was just hidden by the loud screams of society. And by screams, I mean the non-factual, negative, shouting from many different sides on many different issues. When it comes to important issues, its one thing to debate, argue even.. FACTS – but its another to just yell opinions with no basis of truth. If you know anything about me – I love facts! I love truth. Because whether we like it or not, facts and truths allow people to make decisions. And its nothing we can challenge. This is also why I love emotions – dem betches don’t lie.

Moving on, point of that last story share, is that all these small details, I assume are the reason for this newfound hope and optimism. Because there is still good no matter how bad anything seems. And to bridge all these points, its the people that help bring us there.

Look at who is around you, what’s that saying? You are who your closest 5 friends are.. (or whatever) Who are those people!? Are they good support systems? Do they challenge you? Is there anyone you have learned from? Should you reach out to them again if they fell of your life wagon? Is there someone you need to push OFF the wagon?! Are there people fueling your fire? Or are they stealing your heat to improve their own flame and leave you cold?

As we close out one of the most turbulent years most of us have ever experienced, remember its been proven that people and community are what keeps people happy and provide longevity. This is a great time, if you don’t already, to revisit wants and needs – and the people behind them. Because again, the only constant in life is change. And as scary as that is for me – mainly my fear of losing people – I do truly feel so good about what’s to come because life can change in a millisecond. I am choosing to view that as a positive, and I hope y’all absorb that energy in whatever aspect of your life needs it.

I will now leave you with my screenshot below where my message transcends people and describes all aspects of life, work, hobbies, etc.. ❤ Can’t wait for more of those conversations.

Cheers!

the most wonderful time of the year

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

It’s Birthdayyy Seasonnn! 🙂

I’m sure you newbies are wondering why the heck I enjoy ticking off another year of life off the tick-sheet, like it’s some kind of CELEBRATION?! Lmaooo well, another year, another New Beginning.

Birthday Season to me, as I know it is for others, is a time of reflection. Where were you this time last year? Where are you now? And not for anything, it doesn’t matter what happened or what you did. And this sounds cray coming from someone whose sole purpose in life is to travel and experience ALL THE THINGS. And I am so pumped of all the traveling and experiences I did/had the past year.

But what it really comes down to is.. Did you learn anything? About yourself, about others, about life? Anything? Did you at least learn what a good cup of coffee tastes like? Point is, I had a year of ups and downs almost as perfect as the dictionary can describe either action.

I started the first part of the year traveling, experiencing, feeling so free and determined, found passions in things, motivated to find a career with purpose. I struggled with a hint of heartache around May.. Then June happened.

Another loss in the family in the past 16mo. I didn’t talk about it much to you “outsiders” lol, but if you know anything about my family dynamic you understand. Losing my Nana last year was harder than ever expected, and this year was difficult in a different way. After having to be emotionally strong for others, I was off again traveling and experiencing things with no time to absorb the internal stress that was created. I know, white people problems, #sorrynotsorry.

Then mid-July came. I had already been struggling since June and been in therapy more than ever. That trip back “home” in June really took me to a place internally I never thought I’d have to deal with again. The resentment, anger, pain, other words that can’t nearly explain the emotional vomit that came flooding my insides. Through all this, I was still breaking my own heart thinking I could love someone enough to have them love me back (I know this is unrealistic and pathetic, stop judging). I shut my phone off for 2 weeks because the anxiety of seeing other people’s lives was actually painful.

Oh and the drinking – hahahaha I promise I don’t love drinking as much as I actually consumed during the summer months.

Depression set in. I barely got out of bed, except to drink, and work. Y’all are lucky if I showered. I was a complete and utter mess. Now mind you, I still trudged through life with a smile on my face, and did the only thing I know to do that makes me feel good. Give to others. Pep-talk? I’m there! Ride to the airport #obvi (I mean, I LOVE doing this anyway lol, lets be honest) Concert tickets? LETS DOOO THISSSS. Plane tickets?! I’ve given awayyyyy worseee.

And then fall and winter happened, and here we are! Lol, I know thats a huge zip through, but these past couple months started bringing the year into perspective.

I LEARNED:

1) It’s ok to not have a “good year” even though you still had MANY good things happen.

2) That although losses are difficult, whether in life, friendships, or relationships, those people and moments brought you here, and gave you understanding of something new.

3) People really do come and go as you need them. This pains my heart because I wish I could keep you all! But holding on too tight to anything: ropes, steering wheels, dog leashes, emotions.. lol, starts hurting more than letting go.

This is why I love Birthday Season, and join it with why I live by quotes – Someone, somewhere, has a way to put your emotions to words when you can’t.

They say (whoever they are) that “birthdays are good for your health.. people with more of them live longer.”

Sorry, lame joke, but for reals. This is why every year, every day, every moment, matters. We don’t know when our last day will be. All we know is now. So if you get another Birthday, CELEBRATE dammit! Hehehe

Reflect, learn, and be better. Not sure if you know this, but life isn’t a competition. What only matters is where each of us are going, and where our own paths lead us. Maybe thats why I love running, the only time to beat is what I ran last time. Me, my time.

Me, my life. You, your life.

Thankfully though, some of us will help and motivate each other through the next year. I love cheering at races and finish lines! I cry all sorts of happy tears, lol.

Be kind, celebrate yourselves, be present, and if you can, love, xoxo.

Cheers!

ghost of everyday pasts (unedited)

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

The holidays bring about many emotions. One in particular is, I mean, not unhealthy necessarily, but is one reason many people get depressed: Nostalgia.

Now don’t get me wrong, being nostalgic is wonderful in many cases, it reminds you of good times, times you often forget about in childhood, wonderful traditions that bring a warm fuzzy feeling.. But what people tend to forget when you blast yourself into the past is, that you’re not there anymore. I know that seems a little obvious, but this is something I realized more this year than any other year.

I read somewhere once, something along the lines of: It’s ok to feel.. immerse yourself in the emotion, then let it go, do not dwell, do not live there.

The holidays, however, we try and live there. And I mean, this can go all year long really, with any moment that triggers a memory, but the holidays we just feel more. It’s an emotional time in general. You remember times that you will never have again, people who have left, and warmth that never seems to feel as warm.

This by no means is a problem, hence, nostalgia.. but remember not to dwell, or linger, or live there. So many times we fall into the memory hole and forget the blessings in front of you. And thats not to say discount your feelings of the past, but for some reason, generally speaking, people are so fascinated by what happened yesterday, 3 years ago, or even when we were 2. I know I may have written about this concept before that: if you focus on yesterday, how will you make new friends, meet your soulmate, have babies even?! Those moments are now. Things are happening all the time, every second of every day.

I know there are fears of forgetting people, or even ourselves.. being afraid that once we leave this world our impact will be forgotten. The spirit of anyone who has lived any sort of life, lives on in what we do in their memory. Their impact on us is what lives on. My Nana, for example, I was missing her more than I ever expected recently. I’ll say the reason is because my anxiety was real bad this year. She was the one person in my life, from what I’ll always remember, that no matter how terrible we thought life was, and I mean, I remember when I was younger complaining about everything under the sun, from stupid boys, to high school angst.. and even when I got divorced and I was embarrassed at myself, and thought I was a miserable human being, she was always the person who would acknowledge the pain, the problem, but then remind me that I was stronger than any of those things. Her cup always runneth over, and she would always say things like, “well there’s nothing you can do about it now,” and “you’ll find something better,” or “I never worry about my Kara because she always figures it out.” Another was, “my Kara, always doing wonderful things,” lol. And all of that is paraphrasing obvi, because, it’s the past, we physically can’t remember every detail of every moment, so I’m sure I missed a lot in those conversations. And this is why we can’t live there, in the past, because even what we do remember is never 100% accurate. (Why live in a lieeee lol you get my point)

Anyway, I chose to keep that goodness in me and spread the same sort of ideals as she did. Now, is my execution as good as what I remember of Nana? Probably not, or maybe it’s better? I have no real way of knowing, but those moments impacted me enough to know that the way we view things can really affect how we react to them. And just as the fact of, “there’s nothing you can do about it now,” is so true about anything, even moments as recent as a minute ago. So just as Nana tried to instill in us that today is a new day, and tomorrow can even be better, that lives on, at least in me (to new beginnings!!). And if I make any sort of impact on others, that spirit continues on.

So bringing this full circle, when you find yourself lingering in moments that no longer spark joy, or even ones that do, remember that even good memories are selective, and come back and see what’s in front of you. Life comes in waves, and the things that no longer serve you, or even things that are just no longer relevant, always come back in some way. Let them pass, feel them flow through, all the good, all the bad, remember not to dwell, do not live there. Because before you know it, you’re either under water, or trying to swim back to shore. Just let it flow through, and enjoy the beautiful view that is in front of you.

In the spirit of the the holidays, stay present, my friends ❤

it’s not me.. it’s you.

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Here’s a little story that I dedicate to all the “Debbie Downers” out there.

Those who know even a little bit about me, know that I can be a hardcore, CAPITAL – B, bold, italic, underlined, BITCH. I cut people out of my life, I fight for what I believe is to be true << true is the key word here. But sometimes I just like to fight. I’ve made terrible decisions in my day, and have paid my dues many times over thanks to Karma. As people, we are not perfect. I have learned to accept this in others, yet it still baffles me why the majority are still hung up on this thing called perfection. You know “perfection” is a relative term right?

Anywhoo other things that people know about me is that I have anxiety and depression. It hinders many a day, and from April thru June, there were days I never even left my bed, aside from the one forceful pull out to get food because I didn’t really feel like causing my own sad death. One.meal.a.day, people.

One last fun thing to mention is that even if you’ve just had one awkward conversation with me, you’ll also know that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am loyal to a fault. And the best thing I do, is that I provide too much information too soon. I have factual evidence regarding this dating back to, at least, 2000/2001, lol. (one day I’ll write a story about that Filene’s break room conversation, thank you always, Patrick 😉 ) I just love learning about people and showing that I care. I love creating deep conversations, for the sake of learning, and to understand people better. More than anything, I never want others to feel that I am not being truthful so I try and give of myself as best I can.

Point is – with my good, there is my bad – or maybe it can be seen as, with my bad, there is my good. The funny thing about these “faults” of mine is that even through my darkest of days, my bitchiest of attitudes, I somehow have a feeling of realistic positivity. Some might say it’s a choice, I choose realistic positivity. So here’s the hilarious thing – more people can’t stand me when I’m positive (especially during “imperfect” times) vs when I’m negative. Misery really does love company. More so, I then get these people who think I have this perfect little life, see this post. Even more hilarious is when I do post some darker things, like anxiety, depression, emotional distress, and coping with loss, people then think I’m just looking for attention. I can’t win. Hence, it’s not Me, it’s YOU.

I almost always have a sense of realistic-positivity (almost, because again, I’m not perfect). But because I’m not an idiot, or I’d like to think I’m not at least, lol, I get that all positivity can’t come to fruition (realism 🙂 ), however, you can always choose to focus on the pieces that can.

Example: I am sick – I have been sick 3 times this year, and this recent one is going on about 6 weeks. I get sick because I have high stress. My stress turns into anxiety, and sometimes if I fall, it then becomes depression. I am on a bunch of meds at the moment, including an inhaler to try and get me better this time around. I was pretty down on myself Friday, and felt it even more yesterday. All I wanted to do was go to the beach and stare at the ocean before the world woke up. Little did I remember, there was a 10k race happening, roads were closed and parking was all taken. This made me even more sad. It wasn’t even 8am. 😦 I decided to just go to breakfast since I was out, that way I could also take my 7, yes SEVEN pills that I needed to take that morning.

I got home by about 9:30am. Honestly, I was frustrated. On a “bad day” I literally would have just gone back to bed and pout. But I told myself, “I can go tomorrow, I’ll get up even earlier and beat them all to the sand” (realistic-positivity). Since I was home, I decided to read a Class Action Settlement letter that I got in the mail while I was away on vacation. It was for a faulty part on my car and I realized I am part of it, and can submit a claim. I pull out all my invoices and realize that my shop did the SAME.EXACT.SERVICE in February AND recently in July. I was like: wha? I paid an extra 1k on this?! Was there a problem with the first one!? This made me upset – the day was already sad, was it getting worse? I called my shop half angry, yet half patient, to see what they would say. I was finally connected to one of the guys who I always deal with, and he found my two invoices. He apologized profusely and is refunding me the double charge. Because either way, if there was an issue, they never should have charged me twice. And I am still eligible for this claim, so in the end, I could get all my thousands back for the original replacement!

Kid you not, I hung up the phone, and started to laugh. I looked up at the cosmos and literally almost started to cry. My exact words to my sister-in-law were: “Seriously, this is such a weird emotional moment of depression and hope lol.”

But also seriously – This is what gratefulness and a little bit of positivity can get you. With every bad, dark day, we have a good day. With every terrible experience, we have an amazing one. It’s life’s balance. Because again, none of us are perfect. We make mistakes, we are mean sometimes, but we can also choose to be kind. We can choose to love, and we can choose to keep the light inside us through all our storms. Our imperfect moments may come around, but our “perfect” moments are close behind. I truly believe my small bout of hope and positivity helped with this karmic circle.

So call me crazy, call me obnoxious, call me whatever you please, but I would rather believe there is something better, a new beginning, if you will 😉 to look forward to – than to accept pain and suffering, or something as simple as assuming a whole day is ruined. All negativity does is keep us from enjoying fully the best moments we encounter because we are always waiting for the backhand.

But all you have to do is turn your head forward, and you’ll miss getting slapped. 😉

roses

Stay positive, my friends. It’s not easy, I understand, but it has a WAY better outcome than negativity. I have seen with my own eyes that what you give will always be what you receive. And with all the crap Iv’e dealt with the past few months, I’m just happy that my good energies seem to be making their way back to me.

 

❤

let’s be honest.. (another mash-up)

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I started this in 2015.. and I believe I know where this was coming from, and where it may have been going, so I’m just gonna leave this right here to post since it’s been sitting in drafts for 3 years lol. Also, I found it rather interesting I was writing about my thoughts on doing what I’m “supposed” to do, especially to see where I am recently – I’ve been evolving for years! 🙂

_________________________________________________________________

(Nov 2015)

What is it about patience that is so difficult?

I mean I’ve given a lot of my time.. A lot. A lot of effort.. A whole lot.

Iv’e given a lot of energy, and love, and commitment.. Omg, SO MUCH of those.

Is that what it is? That with patience.. you just never know how much longer you’re “supposed” to wait..

But.. If you’re reading this and know anything about me, you know I don’t believe in things you are “supposed” to do.

Which brings me to another point – I feel like thats what I’ve been doing.

UGH. I’m tired.

I’m tired of feeling invaluable.

I think about how I’ve dealt with things in the past. At least from my own view, I’m not proud of those moments.

I feel like I’ve finally come to a point where I have made proper decisions based on what has been handed to me.

I’ve stayed, as others would say, mature.. Lol

_________________________________________________________________

(Aug 2018)

Just based on where I am now, I’m going to make a pretty good assumption that I was tired of living based on what I was “supposed” to do, expectation, and settling. On top of that, I wish I had time to elaborate on the patience question. That will have to wait for another post.

But in a quick note, I know from where I was then, and where I am now, I have learned patience is not easy. It takes practice, hope, and understanding. And patience is not so much the aspect of “waiting” as it is mentally and emotionally preparing for what’s to come. On top of that, patience also reminds us of our journey. Life will always happen when it’s good and ready to happen to us, because our journey is ours, on our own separate timeline.

Remember to focus on your journey, not others’ journeys, or where some people may want you to go. Practice patience, or at least mental and emotional preparation for what is meant for you.

 

❤

one wing out

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I haven’t been this happy in a while ❤

Despite my childhood trauma, or maybe because of it, I’ve always been a late bloomer. I wasn’t a typical High-Schooler, I never partied and I was engaged before I gave away my v-card. I was 21 and divorced when I finally started to do what “normal” people did my age – which then created a downfall of mistakes I fell into until I was 27. That year, I was pretty much reborn after meeting the person who I believe saved my life. I had lost years, and have been trying to catch back up ever since.

Because, for as long as I can remember, I have been placed in a box. This little space of what people assume I am or expect me to be. Assumptions or judgements of the type of person I am based on a number of factors that say little about me. My past, my grades, my occupation, my age, my eating habits, my wardrobe, my music choices, my dating history.. I can go on.. Little did/do people know about the black hole of what is actually me. The few who know me well, know I have never believed in societal expectations. Yet these expectations I allowed myself to follow, forced me into many situations and “lives” that never held my truth. Maybe that’s why I snapped at 21. I did everything I was “supposed” to do. I followed society’s rules. I tucked my past away and I excelled. I was on honor roll, I got married, went to college, and even got searched out by a few schools to play volleyball. What no one saw, however, was how much I hated myself from the ages of 13, to 27. No one saw I was living a complete and utter lie. I was living in accordance to the “rules of the road” with the idea that this would be the way for my past never to repeat itself. Except, that in itself is also a lie.

“All great changes are preceded by chaos.” -Deepak Chopra

One of my favorite quotes, and it has never been more true than as of late. So many wild things have been happening – lots of good, lots of bad.. Weeks, months even.. of thought, anxiety, depression, loss. Being part of big changes, and contemplating exciting changes of my own.

And I came to a conclusion that I’m tired of living how others believe I am, or should be for that matter. I’m tired of being complacent out of fear of my past. Truth is hard to come by these days, and the people I admire the most are not necessarily philanthropic, but they live their truth, and choose to see all aspects of life as opportunity and not obstacles.

I guess for me recently, after experiencing some very large changes, I realized that it’s time for me to live my truth. I am not my age, I am not my job, and if you want to get technical, I’m not even my name – it’s just what I am called.

I am so very tired of living based on the year I was born and what I do for a living. I am not the children I don’t have and the marriage I may never want again. I am not what I wear (although I do dress based on my mood, lol). I am not the house I don’t own or the uncertainty of my career. What I am, however, is honest. I am emotional. I give too much of myself, too soon. I love without boundaries, care too much, and give without expectation. I am a lover of the ocean, sunrises and sunsets.. flowers, and ice cream. If I could rip my brain out of my head I would, because I believe that the heart carries more truth than the mind. I am not what you see, but I am the story my eyes tell. I am not broken, just breaking free, and I finally have one wing out.

Dean_Jackson_butterfly_quote_

Don’t let outside judgements hold you back from yourself. Live your truth, my friends.

❤

it’s MY anniversaryyy – as sang by Tony Toni Tone.. hehe

~ NewBeginnings ~ 1 Comment

Anniversary of my awesome birth, that is! 🙂

I have been sad because I have not had much “time” to blog as I would like. Work has been insane and I’m trying my darnedest to focus on a 10k I’m running in May. But I can never go a year without expressing my love, gratitude and some terrible opinions when my Birthday rolls around! Lol

Topic for this years Birthday post is: “Nevertheless, She Persisted” which I’m borrowing from the theme of the 10k I’m running! (It’s a womens run)

I have been overly grateful lately, due to many events that have happened which force me to realize where I have been and where I am now. Iv’e had many a person make statements relating to how they view my life:

I’m spoiled.

All I do is brunch and drink

I’m a snob because I live walking distance to a beautiful ocean

I have a perfect life

Ok, let me explain, I am spoiled. Lol – not out of chance, however, which I feel people forget.. But I spoil MYSELF from working my ass off on a weekly basis, into the evening even – just to have the things I have. I have debt people, and I still have bills to pay. It’s called budgeting.

I only brunch on the weekends, relax. 😉 And red wine is good for – life. Anyway – who the eff cares?! You wanna brunch?! Go effing brunch! I don’t quite understand how/why brunching and wine drinking are effecting the masses not actively involved in my life. And yes, I’m a relative food snob. I have learned what good food tastes like, and how it effects mood and your body as a whole. So yes, I prefer to eat, drink, and enjoy as best as I can afford.

Call me a snob all you want, but It’s not like I was just granted this life, like *poof!* here ya go Kara! ALL YOURS! Love, God. Nope, doesn’t work like that. As many know, I moved to SoCal with 3k, no job, no home, blah, blah, nothing. So to all of a sudden be a snob because I got a job that allows me to rent a studio – yes, I live in a studio by the water – means nothing. I know how to do math, and I wanted to live by the water.. so I get a studio, do laundry at a laundromat, and live the best bad-ass life with what I have. Did the universe or the Lord have something to do with my blessings? Maybe, but there is nothing in this world that is ever handed to us without effort.

And no. There is no perfect life.. we all know this. So why would you say this to anyone!? There are millions of things we don’t know about anyone’s life. Mine in particular, from abuse (in multiple forms), to anxiety, eating disorders, and depression. I was a broken and desperate person until I was about 26. I was lucky to have enough hope and love in myself to not turn into a drug-addicted stripper in Vegas.. Because that thought did cross my mind at one point.

So going into this new year.. at my very young age.. LOL, I am proud to look back and see that I never once allowed myself to be called a “victim” of anything. Whether it be my abuse, or of circumstance. I have never believed in “blaming” life on anything, or anyone. Or making excuses for who I am. I’ve made mistakes, more than I would like to admit, but every day is a New Beginning. The only person to be better than is yourself. Many people hate when I say that.. mainly because excuses and blame are an easy fix. “I have anxiety”, “I was abused”, “I have issues”. I know many wonderful people who have issues (lol, I mean who doesn’t!?) – who have anxiety, depression.. and they still wake up every morning with a mission to create – whether it be art, music, or their life ❤

This life is our choice. We choose our happiness, and if we are lucky enough for some great moments to fall in our laps, even better. But still.. if someone puts a cute puppy on your lap, it’s still a choice of whether you’re going to pet it or not. Hence, just like the outside assumptions of my life, nothing is just given. We still need to do something with what’s provided to us.

I-am-not-what-happened-to-me-I-am-what-I-choose-to-become.

So for my Birthday, I wish you all health, wealth, happiness, and more importantly, love. As much as I hate Valentine’s Day – I love LOVE! Because love in it’s pure form is a verb. An action word. You must love to be loved. And in my life, I kept choosing love. To love myself, to love my life. It was all I had sometimes to allow myself to wake up another day ❤

Cheers!

December 30th 2017

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

At the time of this typing.. we only have about 28hr left until a “new year”. A time to celebrate, look forward, and create a sense of hope for “better” days.

But have we ever thought about.. what if there is nothing “better”? Like, I get 2017 sort of sucked overall, but if you look hard enough, you’ll see, love actually is all around.. hehe ❤

It’s true, I know, there have definitely been years better than others. Those years are 2015/16 for me. But in the end, there is always enough good to make any “bad” year feel average at the least. 2016 is a great example, it was a “terrible” year for me, but I realized midway through 2017, that 2016 prepared me for all the awesomeness I experienced this year. The pain made me stronger, and the wonderful moments were bigger than they seemed. We always seem to hang on to the negative vs positive. Like all those surveys – we will tell 10 people about a terrible experience but only 3 about a great experience.

Why we do this, is a whole other conversation, but let’s stay with the “new year” idea. We are always looking forward to something new. And I mean, don’t get me wrong, my blog title is all about New Beginnings! lol – But I also try and live with a feeling or ideal that every day has the opportunity for a new beginning. I write about this often.. hence, the blog title. Point is.. let us use this time of “New” to look back and remember all the GOOD and bad. Let us learn and let us be better.

If the point of anything “new” is to “start over” or “make a change”, then let’s do that. If you can’t find it in your mindset to view every day as something new, and for some reason want to put the whole year on your shoulders all at once.. (lol sorry had to) at least use the year to create betterment all around. Truly use the “new” year as your brand new start. Make someone’s day. Make your own day. For as many days as you can.

Because next December 30th we’ll be back to the countdown and prepping for New Years Eve again.. and will it be a list of repeating boo-hoos?

So here’s to tomorrow, and January 1st, and 2nd, and 3rd… and February, and March, and so on..

Here’s to every day in 2018. To make everyday better and start anew every morning.

Here’s to really looking at the year as “New” and beginning again, and working to make even the smallest things better.

 

I wish for you all to stay wide-eyed and bushy-tailed, to find hope in the sunrises, and find peace with the sunsets. To keep believing in fairytales, and to remember that love will always win ❤

Thank you to my readers near and far, new and old. As difficult as the last few weeks have been, 2018 has a lot coming my way, and I hope my brain can stay focused enough so I can share it all with you.

 

Cheers!

 

 

woah.

~ NewBeginnings ~ 1 Comment

Oh geez – looks like I used this blog properly the last two posts.

lol

Wait, was that ^^ a laugh?!

Thankfully laughing is a happy thing today/night. I blame it on Mercury being in Retrograde – for all these crazy emotions I mean. I’ve accepted the fate that my exam is pushed out until after New Years. Is this good? For some.. but for me, I really wanted to enjoy the Holidays. Oh well..

One thing I’m always learning is that with all the dips we fall into, we aren’t stuck in the hole if we dig out of it.. I’m digging alright. And that is the greatest thing about life and this blog – Every day is a New Beginning.

Tomorrow always has the chance to be better no matter how terrible anything seems. And I know I am naturally an optimist, but I also know when I talk to natural pessimists, that I can at least provide a positive twist on their outlook. And if you have ever fallen into a negative black hole, naturally positive or not, hearing anything that can inflict hope at least gets you to tomorrow.

Today is my yesterday’s tomorrow. And today has been wonderful. And honestly, although difficult sometimes, I do know and realize often, how absolutely blessed I am. From the past 5 years, to the past 6 months – I have grown and accomplished so much and it reminds me that the scary moments are only temporary.. and more so, that there’s always something new to happen when they pass.

So with Hanukkah, Christmas, and the New Year upon us – lets use this time to be mindful, appreciative, and grateful. Find promise in tomorrow and use yesterday as motivation to be better.

This time of year brings wild emotions no matter what kind of person you are. And I have always believed that this is not a time of ending-to-new beginning, but continuous beginnings which is why our emotions are so crazy. From family pissing you off or being single for the holidays – both give a spark of hope and remind you that you are more than what your family says and there are possibilities of finding someone new. But especially if your holidays are filled with joy and wonderment – it reminds you of how wonderful tomorrow can be.

I don’t know where this post came from, where it’s going, or where it went, lol, but I am hopeful and I am excited to finally take this exam – whenever I take it. I am excited to make it into January which is officially Birthday Season, and I am so hopeful in tomorrow that it will bring more New Beginnings.

Here’s to tomorrow!

❤

so long, farewell, it’s time to say goodniiigghhtt!

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

It’s more of a “see you later”,  but I just feel like this is a great ending to a wonderful beginning! It’s strange isn’t it? When we set a time on something, there comes more meaning, even if it’s something as simple as a work-week. Friday is all more meaningful because on Monday, you have to wait 4 more days for it!

Such a weird feeling.. It was a good day today though.. I didn’t allow myself to over-stress. With my job, there seems to always be a bit of stress, so I was happy I didn’t allow it to take over me today. I let myself think for a while about what I would post about, on this last day of challenge.. Nothing really came to me – maybe from running out of ideas? Or maybe my brain is a little foggy having to think of something to write about the past 31 days..

Either way, I did feel that it was a sort-of ending, and the beginning of something wonderful. Now, with not having the “obligation” per say, to have to post, It’s like my brain is pumped to put ideas and emotions in my head to express on this white page.

Im excited! Lol, it’s a weird excitement, because I am also a little bummed this whole challenge is over. It took a lot of work on my end, and a lot of effort. It took determination that I haven’t had in a long time. I learned a lot about myself. I honestly feel like I ran a writing marathon. And I’m proud of myself for that. My little pat-on-the-back moment 🙂

So, here’s to new and exciting days ahead! To new ideas, and full expressions of these ideas. Here’s to allowing more time for editing, and elaborations. It’s been a fun March, and I am again thankful for all of you who read along the way, and continue to read. And if this is your first day reading, thankfully there are archives, lol, and I hope to bring you wonderful things to read going forward 🙂

cheers!