Tag: love

new beginning or just a new mindset?

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I guess it’s timely that I am trying to add a blog post at the end of January. I’m pretty predictable when the New Year rolls around.. and more so, February. I will say though, most of what’s on my mind right now, isn’t related to New Beginnings. Or maybe I’m just not seeing it that way.

Per usual, I am word vomiting something I am feeling in case any one of you out there might feel or possibly experience the same. There’s a spiritual page I love on IG but don’t follow, or like posts, for a reason. I want to believe that if this person shows up on my feed it’s meant to be. With a lot of spiritual people out there, you never know if the messages are based on truth or views. And I will say, the average “likes” are around 5k. For a verified account in this current-day social media state, that isn’t a lot, but also 5k people thinking this message is for them, might make it unrealistic for me? And then I think – there are 8 billion people in the world.. 5, even 6k people isn’t even 1% of the population. So in a realistic sense. I’m sure a couple of people in every country are experiencing similar situations like divorce, grief, happiness, etc.. so I want to believe these people are meant to see the message that day also and we are healing or thriving together. One fact in life is that although we do not experience anything the same way, there are always similarities, and sharing those experiences helps us learn different ways of understanding said situation. I, for one, love a good perspective I may not have thought of.

So, who out there has ever had a moment of self-reflection and realized.. OMG. TSwift was right, IM THE PROBLEM, ITS ME. Not that I think I’m a problem per se, but I had a moment of: OMG. I am NOT as positive as my outside self shows to people. Last weekend, in the 11th hour, I booked a flight to see my bestie on the eastie, lol. And her mom-self was in shock and surprise when she learned that I negative self talk… ALL THE TIME. Even as recent as that moment getting picked up from the airport, I was “confirming” thoughts in my head. It was a weekend very much needed, and we came out with a new mantra since the last one we thought of: Life is too short not be f*cking excited!

This “new” mantra is more calming, lol. It started with me, on the plane, reminding myself that life changes literally every moment. The past 3 years have been the best and worst reality check of that. Whether that’s death, a new job, a new person, a car accident, weather canceling an appointment… Big or small, there are moments that change the trajectory of our lives constantly. And I recall a post from my blogs-past – me talking about how: tomorrow your life can change, and it is the most exciting, yet scary thing to really realize. Because people break up, people die, people get injured, people lose jobs, natural disasters happen.. lots of scary things. Yet at the same time, in these same moments, people also fall in love, finally have the baby they’ve been trying 8yr for, get new jobs, win the lottery, move across the country…

The reality is, knowing that life can change any moment, we can either be scared or hopeful. There is so much possibility even in the next 10min. And if we’re trying to focus on the positive here, with any hardship, there is always a small light, no matter how hard it is to see. So I explained to my bestie, that I have been saying to myself the entire flight here: “Stay Hopeful not Scared.” We talked about this concept almost all weekend – she’s a saint I tell you ❤ And in one wonderful moment, she says to me – “how about we make this even more simple: I am Hopeful. Make it an affirmation. I’m not trying to be, I want to be, I am.” Her additional rationale on this is, even though the second part is NOT Scared, the last word I’m saying is still: Scared. And just like telling a 5yr old NOT to run, all they hear is the RUN.

So in this, we started saying: I am Hopeful. I’ve been saying it a lot. But I’m having a hard time with it honestly. I did get one of my associates at work to jump on this Hopeful bandwagon, and I can only imagine they too, might be having a hard time believing it also. And this here is where my sad, eye opening moment from this current weekend came from. I say positive things all the time – been challenged as a “toxic positivity” person even. And this weekend I thought: “I’m a fraud!” LOL. Seriously though, I talk such a game of staying open, allowing God, or the universe to guide us, yet while no one is looking, I say the most terrible things to myself (annddd my eyes just welled up typing that). I have literally said to myself in the past 2 weeks: No wonder no one loves me, I barely love myself. << and this moment I literally sat there questioning my 5 years (yes FIVE) of singledom and being like: HAVE I DONE NOTHING to heal myself?! Yet, I know for a fact, I am not the same person today that I was even 2yr ago, so Yes, I have learned and grown.. but why can’t I see it lately? And if my thoughts are truly this low, am I even capable of creating or attracting positivity again? Is this why I find myself “struggling” so much lately?

And then like all things.. last night, actually.. eyes wide open, I thought: “How long has this been going on?” I definitely know it’s been a while, I’ve kept these negative thoughts in my brain for years.. and I always notice when I am able to shift the perspective because life does in fact change. It feels safer, I do feel hopeful in those moments. They just don’t seem to stick lately. It’s been years since I’ve had a moment like this… last time I was 20-something, and I was literally looking in a mirror at like 3am and saying to myself: “This is not what I want my life to be like.” Granted, those days and “failures” are much different than today’s lol, so I shouldn’t really compare the two, but the feeling hits just as hard. It’s the realization of: “I’m doing this to myself.” << which again is not exactly positive self-talk, and here we are.

I guess my point in all this is – Its ok to find yourself at a crossroads, to question your motives, rediscover your reality, as often as you need to. I just hope we all use these moments to reflect and actually make change. Because although we cannot control what happens TO US, we can control how we react and any actions we take. Self-reflection is uncomfortable, I know a lot of people who don’t, or can’t do this. It forces us to remember our weaknesses, who wants that?! But it is also a catalyst for growth. And no matter what you believe, I think one thing we can agree on is that, most fullfilment comes from growth and change.

So if y’all are struggling out there similarly, know you are never alone. Even if it’s only me who seems to understand this, it’s more than 0. We can be the <1% together. And I hope for you, as I do for myself, that we are able to dig ourselves back to hope – like for reals – and believe it. Believe that we are worthy of good. We are the only ones who can change our minds.

till next time.. ❤

To New Beginnings – Again!

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

12 years ago come October, I moved across the country from Boston to the LA area with $3k in my pocket. I remember thinking: “What if I don’t make it in SoCal?!” And here we are, with what will be 11years and (9days shy of) 11months – I made it, and I’m doing it again lol.

I posted a reel on my IG about a week ago of a preacher speaking about those who play the victim in problems that they created. It resonated with me on so many levels especially the last 10 seconds: “Spend more time with people with whom you have a common future instead of a common past.” Yes, Amen!

And although the message really feeds into those who pull you down and try to create a stronghold on your choices, as well as toxic energy, I want to focus on the common future to common past. In the almost 12years I spent in CA, I was not able to create a community of friends or family. From where I stand now, I have one good friend left here in CA, and that friendship just blossomed in the past year. Always happens that way doesn’t it?! Lol. As the years went by, I kept thinking I found more people to add to my future, but in reality, most “friends” I met, only lasted a year or 3 – tops.

And as I turned the page to 2024, I realized how lonely CA had become for me. The people, and old friends, that I had known my whole life, including “family”, were no longer part of my daily, or weekly, or even monthly life, and my “friends” were rotating on an annual basis. I was finding more life in traveling just to see my good friends out of state, and vice versa. I found myself coming back to two realizations that I have blogged on before: : 1) just because you have known someone your whole life or are blood related, does not, by any means, mean they are meant to be in your every day life going forward. And 2) you meet people everyday, and even though initial connections do happen, it doesn’t mean all people you meet will become an integral part of your life either. I will be living by that mantra going forward of: “Spend more time with people with whom you have a common future instead of a common past.” As we have all learned, the past does nothing for us. It does not change, it holds us stagnant, even as recent as Yesterday. We forget that yesterday is part of the past. Today can change, tomorrow can definitely change. And the people in each of these parts of our lives hold the same energy. Stagnation, manipulation, holding you back – or hope, promise, opportunity, and experiences.

So as I begin packing, and feeling all sorts of sentimental, I think of why this decision is the right one for now. The people. Now, I of course have some people who have been in my life for years that are still by my side, but there are many who have been around that I am so happy to move on from. This new beginning is beyond the physical nature of people but more so mental and emotional ties that I am excited to release. And on the other side, those I have met in these past 12years in CA, that I have created solid relationships with (all of 3 people lol, and only one that’s left here) – I am fairly confident they will stay with me through this new adventure as well.

It’s that common future – I freakin LOVE that! Who in your life is adding to your FUTURE? Isn’t that a great thought to entertain? To know you have, even if just one person, to create life with. To share in successes, to be there when you don’t know your left pinky from your right knee. To laugh with you, and even better, to cry with you. To talk you out of negative thoughts and to raise you up, and be your hype-person. I love that “common future” concept so much – those people are your people. And let’s be clear for those who might read this literally – common future doesn’t mean you’re doing the same things together forever. My most favorite person in the whole, wide, world, lives on the other side of the country. She built a beautiful home in the woods, and created two of my most favorite, beautiful children – while I’m out here happy to rent and pay HOA fees for amenities, and being childless and constantly on a travel high, LOL. Two different lives that move, and grow, and create, together. It’s loyalty, it’s trust. It’s understanding dreams and aspirations and turning “differences” into bows tied with different colored string <3. Common future does not mean “same”. Common future is moving and progressing forward together, it’s constantly creating something new between each other.

In simple terms, anyone can be in your life, but the ones that hold value are the ones that continue to grow and change with you #future. Anyone can show up, or linger even, but if they are moving in a different direction, supporting your journey will be difficult.

So think about your “common future” people – continue to nurture those relationships, and be ok with making space or letting go of common past. You aren’t there anymore, you are here, today. I am so excited to have a handful of people growing with me, who never think I’m crazy for these moves and decisions, but see it as thriving and creating, and even finding possibility in their own lives, just as I do when they make changes or big decisions.

So let’s stay present and hopeful for tomorrow. And remember that you are who you surround yourself with, so make sure y’all at least have the same map on this journey.

till next time, xoxo

4.14

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I literally had a whole post about emotions and heartache, and I saved the draft. I stopped bc I realized, what am I even trying to accomplish here? Share my thoughts? My emotions?

It’s a gloomy, rainy day today, and the slowdown is much appreciated, especially for my writing. My saved piece talked about my acceptance of “caring too much” and learning that it is not a weakness. It talked about the hurt I’m feeling at the moment – and that’s where I stopped. Because, I literally said out loud – why am I assuming this is a closed chapter? Pages are still in the works, changes can still be made at any given moment. There are drafts still in the editors box. And while the chapter could essentially close tomorrow, it is still not complete.

I’ve had so many ideas this past month on a new post, and sadly didn’t note them down, but I think today my goal for myself, and whoever reads this, is to remind you that although situations may feel difficult, hurtful even, or confusing, it doesn’t mean its over. And while that may sound like there is more to wade through, I mean it more as a moment of hope in that clarity will come, or the outcome you hoped for has even bigger plans.

There is a fine line of beginnings and endings, and sometimes I wonder if things really end, or if the story just changes. Like, I have a big move coming up, and how I feel about this, is similar on how I felt as I was grieving death these past few years. When someone leaves, nothing really changes – time still moves, people are still waking up, going to work, doing all the things. Nothing ended, maybe only the presence of that person, but still, sometimes even that presence remains. So in this move I am preparing for, I thought about the village where I spend the majority of my days in, the beach, and my walks/runs. None of this will change when I leave – life will continue on. New locals will emerge at the cafe, a new person will occupy “my seat” at the local bar, and the story of the village will continue – better yet, so will mine. They just become two different stories now, the ven diagram of stories expands – like a spin off series if you will. Just another new beginning versus viewing something as an ending.

So these emotions I am moving through do not necessarily mean an end and a beginning, but maybe just an edit in the story. And as the quote above indicates, even edits just create a new idea in the storyline. As this thought continues to ruminate in my brain, honestly I found a little hope. Amazing what tippy-tapping on a screen can do for morale, lol.

If you spent time on this little brain spew, I hope you found some hope too. If something is going on that may feel confusing or if you’re struggling with “ending” and “beginning” maybe reframing it as a new story or an edit helps. Now, as we know, I still hold strong with letting things go that no longer serve you – and maybe even if that is the case, and something must be “let go”, the feeling doesn’t need to feel so hard. It can be softer, it may not alleviate the pain or hurt overnight, but can help recreate your vision of tomorrow, and create openness for you to welcome your new story. ❤

(I did not edit this before posting, so no grammar judging, lol)

till next time, xoxo

the most wonderful time of the year

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

It’s Birthdayyy Seasonnn! 🙂

I’m sure you newbies are wondering why the heck I enjoy ticking off another year of life off the tick-sheet, like it’s some kind of CELEBRATION?! Lmaooo well, another year, another New Beginning.

Birthday Season to me, as I know it is for others, is a time of reflection. Where were you this time last year? Where are you now? And not for anything, it doesn’t matter what happened or what you did. And this sounds cray coming from someone whose sole purpose in life is to travel and experience ALL THE THINGS. And I am so pumped of all the traveling and experiences I did/had the past year.

But what it really comes down to is.. Did you learn anything? About yourself, about others, about life? Anything? Did you at least learn what a good cup of coffee tastes like? Point is, I had a year of ups and downs almost as perfect as the dictionary can describe either action.

I started the first part of the year traveling, experiencing, feeling so free and determined, found passions in things, motivated to find a career with purpose. I struggled with a hint of heartache around May.. Then June happened.

Another loss in the family in the past 16mo. I didn’t talk about it much to you “outsiders” lol, but if you know anything about my family dynamic you understand. Losing my Nana last year was harder than ever expected, and this year was difficult in a different way. After having to be emotionally strong for others, I was off again traveling and experiencing things with no time to absorb the internal stress that was created. I know, white people problems, #sorrynotsorry.

Then mid-July came. I had already been struggling since June and been in therapy more than ever. That trip back “home” in June really took me to a place internally I never thought I’d have to deal with again. The resentment, anger, pain, other words that can’t nearly explain the emotional vomit that came flooding my insides. Through all this, I was still breaking my own heart thinking I could love someone enough to have them love me back (I know this is unrealistic and pathetic, stop judging). I shut my phone off for 2 weeks because the anxiety of seeing other people’s lives was actually painful.

Oh and the drinking – hahahaha I promise I don’t love drinking as much as I actually consumed during the summer months.

Depression set in. I barely got out of bed, except to drink, and work. Y’all are lucky if I showered. I was a complete and utter mess. Now mind you, I still trudged through life with a smile on my face, and did the only thing I know to do that makes me feel good. Give to others. Pep-talk? I’m there! Ride to the airport #obvi (I mean, I LOVE doing this anyway lol, lets be honest) Concert tickets? LETS DOOO THISSSS. Plane tickets?! I’ve given awayyyyy worseee.

And then fall and winter happened, and here we are! Lol, I know thats a huge zip through, but these past couple months started bringing the year into perspective.

I LEARNED:

1) It’s ok to not have a “good year” even though you still had MANY good things happen.

2) That although losses are difficult, whether in life, friendships, or relationships, those people and moments brought you here, and gave you understanding of something new.

3) People really do come and go as you need them. This pains my heart because I wish I could keep you all! But holding on too tight to anything: ropes, steering wheels, dog leashes, emotions.. lol, starts hurting more than letting go.

This is why I love Birthday Season, and join it with why I live by quotes – Someone, somewhere, has a way to put your emotions to words when you can’t.

They say (whoever they are) that “birthdays are good for your health.. people with more of them live longer.”

Sorry, lame joke, but for reals. This is why every year, every day, every moment, matters. We don’t know when our last day will be. All we know is now. So if you get another Birthday, CELEBRATE dammit! Hehehe

Reflect, learn, and be better. Not sure if you know this, but life isn’t a competition. What only matters is where each of us are going, and where our own paths lead us. Maybe thats why I love running, the only time to beat is what I ran last time. Me, my time.

Me, my life. You, your life.

Thankfully though, some of us will help and motivate each other through the next year. I love cheering at races and finish lines! I cry all sorts of happy tears, lol.

Be kind, celebrate yourselves, be present, and if you can, love, xoxo.

Cheers!

ghost of everyday pasts (unedited)

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

The holidays bring about many emotions. One in particular is, I mean, not unhealthy necessarily, but is one reason many people get depressed: Nostalgia.

Now don’t get me wrong, being nostalgic is wonderful in many cases, it reminds you of good times, times you often forget about in childhood, wonderful traditions that bring a warm fuzzy feeling.. But what people tend to forget when you blast yourself into the past is, that you’re not there anymore. I know that seems a little obvious, but this is something I realized more this year than any other year.

I read somewhere once, something along the lines of: It’s ok to feel.. immerse yourself in the emotion, then let it go, do not dwell, do not live there.

The holidays, however, we try and live there. And I mean, this can go all year long really, with any moment that triggers a memory, but the holidays we just feel more. It’s an emotional time in general. You remember times that you will never have again, people who have left, and warmth that never seems to feel as warm.

This by no means is a problem, hence, nostalgia.. but remember not to dwell, or linger, or live there. So many times we fall into the memory hole and forget the blessings in front of you. And thats not to say discount your feelings of the past, but for some reason, generally speaking, people are so fascinated by what happened yesterday, 3 years ago, or even when we were 2. I know I may have written about this concept before that: if you focus on yesterday, how will you make new friends, meet your soulmate, have babies even?! Those moments are now. Things are happening all the time, every second of every day.

I know there are fears of forgetting people, or even ourselves.. being afraid that once we leave this world our impact will be forgotten. The spirit of anyone who has lived any sort of life, lives on in what we do in their memory. Their impact on us is what lives on. My Nana, for example, I was missing her more than I ever expected recently. I’ll say the reason is because my anxiety was real bad this year. She was the one person in my life, from what I’ll always remember, that no matter how terrible we thought life was, and I mean, I remember when I was younger complaining about everything under the sun, from stupid boys, to high school angst.. and even when I got divorced and I was embarrassed at myself, and thought I was a miserable human being, she was always the person who would acknowledge the pain, the problem, but then remind me that I was stronger than any of those things. Her cup always runneth over, and she would always say things like, “well there’s nothing you can do about it now,” and “you’ll find something better,” or “I never worry about my Kara because she always figures it out.” Another was, “my Kara, always doing wonderful things,” lol. And all of that is paraphrasing obvi, because, it’s the past, we physically can’t remember every detail of every moment, so I’m sure I missed a lot in those conversations. And this is why we can’t live there, in the past, because even what we do remember is never 100% accurate. (Why live in a lieeee lol you get my point)

Anyway, I chose to keep that goodness in me and spread the same sort of ideals as she did. Now, is my execution as good as what I remember of Nana? Probably not, or maybe it’s better? I have no real way of knowing, but those moments impacted me enough to know that the way we view things can really affect how we react to them. And just as the fact of, “there’s nothing you can do about it now,” is so true about anything, even moments as recent as a minute ago. So just as Nana tried to instill in us that today is a new day, and tomorrow can even be better, that lives on, at least in me (to new beginnings!!). And if I make any sort of impact on others, that spirit continues on.

So bringing this full circle, when you find yourself lingering in moments that no longer spark joy, or even ones that do, remember that even good memories are selective, and come back and see what’s in front of you. Life comes in waves, and the things that no longer serve you, or even things that are just no longer relevant, always come back in some way. Let them pass, feel them flow through, all the good, all the bad, remember not to dwell, do not live there. Because before you know it, you’re either under water, or trying to swim back to shore. Just let it flow through, and enjoy the beautiful view that is in front of you.

In the spirit of the the holidays, stay present, my friends ❤

hit me like a hurricane

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I’m alive!

I honestly can’t believe how long it has been since my last post. For those who are still out there following me, and those who have been reading recently, a very big THANK YOU, to you!

I have been traveling A LOT, especially this year. Most for fun, one due to a family death, but all sending me across the country nonetheless. As we all know, if you have read any posts on this page, I have anxiety and depression. And with all the travel, and death, and well, life.. I hadn’t had time to see my therapist. After my last trip, an actual vacation! I finally saw my lovely Dr. and verbally vomited a lot of what was held in, the past 6 months. There were some weird dreams I had, and a lot of emotions needing to be discussed.

One thing we always work on is meditation. I’m terrible at this. I think it’s a little weird if I’m gonna be honest, but I know it helps. One thing my therapist always tells me, is that no one is perfect at meditation, it’s not supposed to be “perfected”. Because my mind is constantly running at 435948732 miles an hour, I always seem to wander off or lose track, and not that I have to be but I always feel bad, or like I’m failing. Positive note is that my therapist also always says that’s what meditation is, working on coming back to center. So the thing is, if I’m wandering and NOT coming back to center.. then there’s an issue. But the constant work of coming back to center is the work I need to be doing.

Point of this preface is that last night, I was trying to meditate. Per usual, my brain had me going in 78 directions and I’m having conversations that don’t exist with people who have no idea about the way I feel.. etc.. But in my ramblings to myself, 2 topics came to mind:

  1. I was talking something out about the “good & bad”. But then caught myself saying: but why does there always have to be “bad”? Why can’t it be “good & opportunistic”? Because in every, and I mean EVERY “bad” there is always a good. No matter how far off or morbid, or partially insane the idea may be, there is always a good. Now, I’m not discounting the pain and/or struggle we may have when things go wrong, or even when we lose a loved one.. but there is still, and always will be, a silver lining.
  2. Heartbreak. I’m sure somewhere in my internal conversations these two topics somehow merged, but heartbreak in a separate sense fascinated me for some time. Because as most of you know, I LOVE, love. Because love moves mountains, saves lives, brings people together, and in it’s purest form is nothing but contentment.

And this my friends is where my post has led me today. I was thinking about people I care about and the concept of love again.. that Love is: 1 Corinthians: 13. Not that I’m trying to make y’all read the bible, but point is that Love is pure, and all that is good.

Love is not Lust. Love is not obsession. Love is not fear. Love is not expectation. Love is not sex. Love is not attractiveness. Love is not flirting. Love is not pain. I can go on, but lastly, heartbreak has nothing to do with love.

Those items noted above are in and of themselves things, feelings, and separate entities of life that create emotion, sometimes pain, confusion, conflict, and questions.

Love, in and of itself, is the only thing that makes all those above disappear. Love itself is pure optimism, peace, and answers.

A few months back, I was talking to my best friend about love and heartbreak, and how we wouldn’t be who we are without the experiences we have had. And we talked about other people we knew some who have, and possibly have NOT had these same experiences. The conversation turned to: you can’t understand love, or life even, if you have not experienced heartbreak. Never in a million years did I think I would ever say.. FALSE.

I thought about that last night, while “trying” lol, to meditate. I have been heartbroken 4 times. You always remember those times people. They are terrible times. 3 times from the hands of men, and one time from my own. Broke my own damn heart.

And let me tell you. Heartbreak, or heartache is nothing, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING I wish upon ANYONE. I used to think: “Can’t wait till someone breaks his heart/breaks her heart.. then they will know/understand……..”

NO. I don’t care what you have done to me in this world. I wish this emotion, or life episode, on NO ONE. Just thinking about it, I fell into a small hole remembering what that felt like. And at the time people would say, “Well you loved him.” Yes. Past Tense. Because I realized, if you become heartbroken, it was not true love. It was possibly something else. Lust, sex, obsession, expectation, friendship even (that involved expectation).. but not love.

Heartbreak literally throws you under a bus. An unmoving one. It’s suffocating. It is the true definition of depression. There is a hole, an empty space in your stomach. You can literally feel it. It’s like a daily stomachache. The hole in your heart is similar, but strangely enough not as painful. Maybe because it knows it wasn’t love.

But this pit in your stomach.. not only does that hurt, your head hurts, your muscles hurt, your joints hurt. You definitely do not want to get out of bed. You sleep for days. The crying.. OH THE CRYING. I’m telling you, it is unbearably painful. Every part of your being hurts. It hurts to laugh, it hurts to think. You think you are going crazy. Not only the physical pain.. but seriously how can your emotions hurt too?! How, I tell you!?

I can literally re-feel it right now. Once it happens I don’t think that memory will ever leave, maybe because it’s a reminder to be better next time and work to NOT get to that place again. Remember, not all breakups lead to heartbreak/ache, so to be conscious of that can help alleviate any future breakup/relationship issues.

In that context, to finish this off – I was talking to a friend before I finished editing this, and he mentioned in his last few relationships that he kind of set himself up to sort of expect a breakup. Not that he didn’t hope for longevity, but understanding reality he just realized that if the relationship did end, then it was nothing “unexpected”. Me, being the over-thinker that I am, internally questioned: Was this just a typical “guy” set up into relationships? Did this take away from the validity of the relationship? Is this the new wave of not allowing yourself to be vulnerable and not fully putting yourself into the relationship? Or did this just answer my idea of working to NOT get into a place of heartbreak?

Either way, emotions have no definitive answer because they are felt, but one thing is for certain – Love that is real and pure does not create pain. Pain is a separate and individual emotion. Relationships are not black and white, but heartbreak/ache (or at least the memory of it) is forever.

Be mindful of how your relationships are, whether romantically, or friendship. Friends can break hearts too you know, and Love is meant to grow, not diminish.

Lastly, if you’ve never felt heartbreak, spread love to more people. You have a gift, and I hope you always feel that goodness.

❤

 

 

 

 

one wing out

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I haven’t been this happy in a while ❤

Despite my childhood trauma, or maybe because of it, I’ve always been a late bloomer. I wasn’t a typical High-Schooler, I never partied and I was engaged before I gave away my v-card. I was 21 and divorced when I finally started to do what “normal” people did my age – which then created a downfall of mistakes I fell into until I was 27. That year, I was pretty much reborn after meeting the person who I believe saved my life. I had lost years, and have been trying to catch back up ever since.

Because, for as long as I can remember, I have been placed in a box. This little space of what people assume I am or expect me to be. Assumptions or judgements of the type of person I am based on a number of factors that say little about me. My past, my grades, my occupation, my age, my eating habits, my wardrobe, my music choices, my dating history.. I can go on.. Little did/do people know about the black hole of what is actually me. The few who know me well, know I have never believed in societal expectations. Yet these expectations I allowed myself to follow, forced me into many situations and “lives” that never held my truth. Maybe that’s why I snapped at 21. I did everything I was “supposed” to do. I followed society’s rules. I tucked my past away and I excelled. I was on honor roll, I got married, went to college, and even got searched out by a few schools to play volleyball. What no one saw, however, was how much I hated myself from the ages of 13, to 27. No one saw I was living a complete and utter lie. I was living in accordance to the “rules of the road” with the idea that this would be the way for my past never to repeat itself. Except, that in itself is also a lie.

“All great changes are preceded by chaos.” -Deepak Chopra

One of my favorite quotes, and it has never been more true than as of late. So many wild things have been happening – lots of good, lots of bad.. Weeks, months even.. of thought, anxiety, depression, loss. Being part of big changes, and contemplating exciting changes of my own.

And I came to a conclusion that I’m tired of living how others believe I am, or should be for that matter. I’m tired of being complacent out of fear of my past. Truth is hard to come by these days, and the people I admire the most are not necessarily philanthropic, but they live their truth, and choose to see all aspects of life as opportunity and not obstacles.

I guess for me recently, after experiencing some very large changes, I realized that it’s time for me to live my truth. I am not my age, I am not my job, and if you want to get technical, I’m not even my name – it’s just what I am called.

I am so very tired of living based on the year I was born and what I do for a living. I am not the children I don’t have and the marriage I may never want again. I am not what I wear (although I do dress based on my mood, lol). I am not the house I don’t own or the uncertainty of my career. What I am, however, is honest. I am emotional. I give too much of myself, too soon. I love without boundaries, care too much, and give without expectation. I am a lover of the ocean, sunrises and sunsets.. flowers, and ice cream. If I could rip my brain out of my head I would, because I believe that the heart carries more truth than the mind. I am not what you see, but I am the story my eyes tell. I am not broken, just breaking free, and I finally have one wing out.

Dean_Jackson_butterfly_quote_

Don’t let outside judgements hold you back from yourself. Live your truth, my friends.

❤

a whole bunch of nonsense

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I feel so inclined to vent today.. It’s been one shit week let me tell ya.

But as angry, hurt, frustrated, just overly emotional as I am, today was an eye opener. I don’t really talk about what is going on with me unless people ask. I have this assumption (or should I say expectation?) that if someone wanted to know something about me, they would ask, right? Just as I ask how people are doing on a daily basis.

side note: Why do I keep thinking people are like me!?

Anyway – I was chatting with a co-worker this morning and he opened up about some personal struggles he was facing. I provided my support, and shared that it’s a very interesting time, because I have recently been experiencing some similarities with others I know. Very large personal changes happening, and none are on the side of positive at the moment.

As he continued to explain, I had a moment of gratitude.. That realization, which I try and remind myself often, is that there are worse things happening out there in the world than my own “problems”. And although this idea still causes anxiety and depression – because I think I can handle ANYTHING I tell ya! – it was still rather fascinating to me that life just never stops.

No matter what is happening – happiness, vacations, sadness, losing your job – whatever it may be, life is always just happening for others. I had this huge bout of anxiety a few weeks back because something was happening to everyone around me. New jobs, new apartments, babies, new relationships, you name it. Generally speaking, it was all good things at that time. And I wondered, “why am I stagnant?!” But I realize now, maybe it wasn’t stagnation, maybe I was just in preparation mode. Maybe it’s true,

all great changes

That’s it – for me it was internal chaos, but chaos nonetheless. And not to say I’ve got all things figured out, but I have definitely been doing things now, that I should have been doing weeks, if not, months ago.

In thinking about all that was happening with people around me, my focus shifted. I then finally realized where my anxiety stems from. People. Lol.. more so, I’m afraid to lose people. Most of you know relationships are important to me. But there always comes a time in all my relationships, especially friendships, where I start “expecting” things. And by “things” I mean behaviors. Again, I assume people are like me, or I assume the Golden Rule holds true.

The problem, as we know, is if everyone were doctors, we would have no firemen. So I don’t know why I begin to expect that people just turn into me with all my goodness and giving. They aren’t me. So what ends up happening, and hysterically enough this has happened to all my very best and closest friends, is that I feel like I’m losing them somehow. Because they aren’t “caring” about me as much as I care about them while life is happening to them.

As I was sitting here sipping my latte, I realized – In almost all my closest friendships there has come a point where I questioned the loyalty of said friend. I would get upset because they were not treating me, as I do them. And as we know, I’m a little extreme – I love without boundaries and give without cause. And in each of these friendships, I’ve pushed to the point of a sort-of exile – where I, in a sense, remove this person from my peripheral, thinking this will fix whatever underlying issue there is.

After hiding, (like with one friend, we stopped speaking almost 2 years) if all is meant to be, we usually find ourselves back, talk it out, and create an even stronger bond. And literally this has happened to all 4 of my closest friends. But why? Why did each friendship have to be “tested”?

expectation

The reality is, that things are happening all around us, to everyone around us, all the time. Change is inevitable, but that doesn’t mean your people have to, or will change. I also need to continuously remind myself that I am not like other people. I will always care more. But for some reason, I thought it was easier to shut people out than care sometimes, thinking this would ease the pain of potential “loss”. Though clearly it’s not the best route to show that you do care.. oops. I’m just glad that the handful of people I have kept, chose to keep me too. I’m worth it, I swear! 🙂

However, the one thing I need to work on are these “expectations”. I hate expectations! So I wonder why I have them with the people I care most about? This is definitely something I never came to terms with until now, which to me, is surprising. I guess better late then never.

So if I’ve ever kicked you down or become overly emotional because of my un-met needs, I apologize. I am the only person who can meet my needs, so I have to understand and trust to utilize my people for their strengths, just as they use me for mine. xoxo

#rantover

❤

people watching.

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

We all do it in some form or fashion.

One of my favorites is to find first dates, or even long-term couples – I guess just couples in general – so I can question intent. Lol – I know that sounds terrible, but if you have read any of my posts, you’ll know I’m fairly critical of relationships because 90% of people are in them for all the wrong reasons.

And mind you, I know a handful of people who actually love each other, care for each other, etc.. but those relationships don’t come by very often. Do I need to remind everyone about the divorce rate.. again?!

Anywhoo.. the next that are always interesting are 20-30yr women who are at brunch.. because you wanna know what they are talking about? Yup, their terrible relationships. Lol. And again, I have seen, and heard some wonderful couples, relationships, even some beautiful friendships. What we don’t realize however, is that we are so enamored by those one-off relationships or best-friend goals, that we accept all the others as “normal” conversations or scenarios.  Why? Why is mediocre ok? Why is mediocre considered normal or average?

When did this happen?!

We have one life.. ONE. So why are we constantly filling it with mediocre anything?! I get money sometimes plays a factor on things or experiences.. but money doesn’t necessarily affect the people you can surround yourself with.

So many people question how I know so many people, yet I do so many things alone. I choose only a select few people to keep close. A great way to explain why, is to also explain the people who complain about their “friends” and how mediocre they are, but yet they still choose to surround themselves with them. And I get that different groups of people serve different purposes – co-workers, family, gym “friends”, book club, etc.. But if you find yourself complaining about people and how they are, or what they do, why are you making a conscious decision to keep them close? What purpose is mediocre serving? I guess I sort of feel bad, maybe some people want to be mediocre? But WHY?! Must I remind you of this ONE LIFE?!

mediocre

Sheesh, anyway – I want to live my life like my absolute favorite person to watch: The one who is looking at their phone and smiling. Not just for a moment, but that perma-smile look, like it will never end. Like they are re-reading, re-watching, re-looking at whatever created that smile. I want to be that person creating those smiles. I want to only surround myself with people who put that smile on my face. This girl – I swear whatever she was looking at, not only made her day.. but created a memory. That smile. It was so wonderful, and I’m glad I got to see it in this sea of mediocre.

I mean, hell, it made MY DAY. I wanted to creepily snap her and comment that this was how I wanted every day to be, and that I hope whatever made her this happy never ends. It was all kinds of beautiful, innocent, and real.

So as y’all are out there watching others, be conscious of what side you are on: Mediocracy or Memory. One Life. Don’t be part of the “average” conversation. Majority of people already lie there.. thats why it’s called “average” not amazing. 

Be that person who creates those smile-memories, and keep close those who give you those same smiles. Maybe one day,  t r u e  love and happiness can be the new “norm”.

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❤

 

p.s. as I finished this, I got a txt back from one of my people.. and man do I love staring at my phone and laughing, and having people wonder what MY happiness is from. 🙂 part of it is bc i’m hilarious, lol, but more so, the response from one of few people who get me. love you, xoxo ❤

 

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~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

**wow, I started this almost two years ago.. and it is all still so relevant – especially the emotional distress lol, every few years.. so true!

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What does it really mean to give? To love?

Love is a constant topic on my blog. Mainly because I believe 90% of the population does not understand it, or they confuse it with some other emotion. I’m not sure where in my life this issue became such a focus and frustration to me, but I’ve had this feeling for a long time.

I have currently been experiencing another downward cycle of emotional distress. I understand myself fairly well, but every so often something happens inside me and I sort of snap. I cry for days, weeks even, and can’t control emotions. I know where it fuels from.. I have demons – don’t we all? But by nature I am a happy, realistically-positive person, which allows me to manage these dark emotions, but as mentioned, like all things, nothing lasts forever.. not even happiness. Thankfully, neither does distress, so I only encounter these, what I have so graciously coined as, the “darkest of times” periodically. It seems to happen every few years.. and usually its followed by some new energy that does one of two things: gets me in trouble, or sends me into an abyss of wild happiness.. or both, I guess.

I’m not there yet, not even close. I’m still milling in my brain why I’m not just filled with pancakes vs emotions. Emotions are tough, which brings me back to my initial sentence. To give.. to love..

Why has no one figured out that yes.. love is 1 Corinthians 13. It is all of it. Love is patient. Patience. The one virtue I swear almost everyone I know, including myself has a difficult time with.

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<<begin.new>>

Not exactly sure where I was going with this, but let’s go back to that last sentence – Why has no one figured out that Love is: 1 Corinthians 13? Because it’s tough. Like I said, emotions are tough. And for someone who throws down emotions like they’re bottomless mimosas on a Sunday morning, I can vouch the toughness.

I scare people. I frustrate people. I annoy people. A wonderful co-worker said it best: “Kara, your problem is that you give your all at the beginning of everything. And not many people can handle that.” << context here was relationships, but he was even talking normal friendships and work relationships. I do, I give everything right out the gates. I mean why not? Have you ever seen those parody commercials (I want to say it was for a credit card) where they caption, “Imagine if you were completely honest on a first date”. And it goes on with the girl who says, “I’m just here for a free dinner”, and the guy “I still live at home with my mother”. (or something like that)

See?! That isn’t a what-if for me.. it’s reality. Thankfully, I DON’T NEED NO MAN TO BUY ME DINNER, lol – So that piece would never happen to me. However, this is also why sometimes I’m quiet because I can’t think of the right things to say.

So I guess there’s part of my problem.. I def don’t think before I speak.. because everything for me is emotional, and my brain isn’t invited to the party.

Anyway, this is slowly coming back to the point of this pieced-together blog: What does it mean to give? To love? It means being uncomfortable. It means being vulnerable. It means being honest. Love is being patient. And what is Patience? It’s hard, thats what it is. But it also means making other people happy. Making yourself happy. Experiencing a state of euphoria that cannot be matched with any other experience. And for me, fulfilling my purpose to be of value to others.

My biggest downfall is that I take care of others before I take care of myself. But that is love – to give without expectation. << This leads me to a tiny note: theres that saying:

love hurts

The only thing I don’t quite agree with here, is the “cover up” part, but you see where I’m going here.. Love is NOT: sex, obsession, lust, crushes, infatuation, butterflies, sweaty palms, jealousy, I can go on..

If we can just remember that to Love and to Give are verbs, action words – then it should always be a reminder that it’s the people that you give to, you love.. that may be the issue. Not the giving of Love itself. How many of us have given or loved people who have not given the same in return!? Exactly. But giving and love are not about what you get in return. What’s that other quote?

“When you give and expect something in return, that is doing business not kindness”

There are a few variations of this that state love specifically, but you get the point.

To love and to give go hand-in-hand. So don’t be afraid to love, or feel in general. Just be patient, read all of 1 Corinthians 13, and remember that love and giving is about the act, not about the people.

cheers to love,

❤