Tag: life

i dont know why i never posted this..

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

In sifting through some past journal entries, I found something from March of 2011.

In it, I wrote about a couple of friends who said something to me about “Learning to accept the things that haven’t happened and move on.”

On the previous page, I wrote about my anxiety about my plans for the future, and having concern that I had lost my idea of what my ‘Dreams’ were.. because you can’t follow something that doesn’t exist.

Anyway, I continued to write about the fact that I did not agree with this statement of ‘accepting things that haven’t happened’. Because I wanted to make things happen. Even if it was in small doses. I wrote about moving to CA (oh look at that!) and saying that I’d rather make it out here and last 3months than never making an effort at all. Because really, just because something hasn’t happened doesn’t mean it still can’t. If we just accept the things that haven’t happened, then what is the point of having dreams or aspirations? Why dream at all?

Looking back, I can obviously see what my friends were trying to say.. because right, you can’t change the past, you can’t change things that haven’t happened. You shouldn’t live and wonder ‘what if’. I think that was the point for me though, and the reason why I disagreed. Because there is always tomorrow. So why move on? Why even have a ‘what if’?! Take tomorrow by the horns and make something happen.

In my 32 years of my existence I have learned the obvious: We cannot change the past.. but that does not mean that what we have not accomplished cannot still be done now. Or tomorrow. And as crazy as life may be, and as fragile – and short even – there is still an opportunity to make things happen. And more so, a reason to be motivated. Knowing life is uncertain gives more of a reason to conquer today and think about those ‘what if’s’ and turn them into ‘this is what happened when I..’

Still thinking about that old college friend? Social Networking was created for you. Mad at yourself for not asking that guy/girl out last month? You probably know where to find them.. just do it. What’s the worst that can happen? They tell you they’re engaged!? BAHAHA (inside joke, and either way, at least now you know, and you’ve got a good story) Trying to get a Masters? a PhD? If money is a factor, start one class at a time. In the end, you will feel even more accomplished.

My point is, I would rather accept – what people call – ‘failure’ in trying. I would rather be late in the game, and getting even just a small piece of what I wanted, rather than accepting the nothingness of never trying. Why even have the talk about ‘accepting things that haven’t happened’? Why not just make them happen.. no matter how small, no matter how much time has passed. I would rather have stories to tell, even embarrassing ones, than having to ‘learn to accept..’ a nothing.

ode to family..

~ NewBeginnings ~ 2 Comments

It’s funny how the one place I wanted to leave for so long is now the only place I want to be right now.

For almost a year, I have been living “uncomfortably”. That whole Life begins at the end of your comfort zone idea was really ringing true, and I liked it. I still do. But oddly enough, what I never expected is that when it comes to comfort, it’s not necessarily where you are or what you are doing.. it’s who you are with.

What I realized is that my people, are family more than than they are friends. They have seen the darkest of dark, the craziest of crazy.. every tear shed, every smile shared. They have been there through every bad decision and every highlight. Every aching moment of despair and every hysterical laugh over a chambord margarita.. or a pumpkinhead.. or a gin & tonic.. or a sam summer.. or.. you get the idea, HA! I definitely have not been the most pleasant person to deal with, and even with my most vulnerable moments exposed, they still decided to keep me around. Through these past 10 months living my dream in the “uncomfortable”.. they are the ones who have been there to share every moment. They have been my cheerleaders and my support system.. As hard as it was being 3k miles away.. they took care of me when I was home alone with the flu on New Years Eve. They were high-fiving me through the phone when I finally started playing volleyball again.. and they even gave me a raised eyebrow and a ‘not surprised’ attitude when I fractured my thumb riding a mechanical bull..

It’s amazing, the types of connections people can have with each other. It always comes back to that old saying.. “I’d rather have 4-quarters than 100-pennies.” Thankfully, I have 5 😉

And don’t get me wrong, I have had, and still have, so many Michael Buble moments of “And I’m surrounded by.. A million people I.. Still feel all alone..” So cliche I know, but it’s true. It’s incredible what people can do to a life once they learn all about it.. and more so, how much people need it. In life, what people want most is acceptance and understanding. And even though you can seriously be surrounded by many great people, that doesn’t mean you receive either of those. The hardest part in all this, is finding those people that you can share your life with..

Having been accustomed to a traveling lifestyle as a child, and living a 50/50 life of East Coast, West Coast, the only thing I really strived on accomplishing was being part of a family. From the minute that plane hit NH soil back in 1994, I dreamed of moving back to the Golden State because that’s where I thought my family was, and that’s where I belonged. Yet in the 18 years I lived in the East, I never realized that I was creating the family I always wanted.. one who loved me unconditionally, with no obligation, no expectation.. just love.

And I cannot wait to squeal like a 5yr old when I see all you loves of my life♥

“The most important thing in life is your family. There are days you love them, and others you don’t. But, in the end, they’re the people you always come home to. Sometimes it’s the family you’re born into and sometimes.. it’s the one you make for yourself.” -Sex&theCity

bon anniversaire!

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Anniversaries are just the Birthdays of events. And we all know how much I love Birthdays! Whoop!

The end of July marks an anniversary for me that most people may never admit or even be proud of.. I will have survived an entire year of single-dom.

For some, a year may be nothing.. for others.. it may be a lifetime. For me, I thought a year would feel like a lifetime.. and for those who know me well, this is.. well, absolutely wild and somewhat of a monstrosity. Hahaha 🙂

However, it has been a wonderful year of survival and personal enlightenment. Don’t get me wrong, there have been days where I felt lonely.. I may have even struggled. But these moments were few and far between, and really.. even in the best of relationships, there is always a lonely or struggling moment.

So to this, I applaud myself. Because really, with the demons of my past that I carry around, it really is a surprise that I just didn’t attach myself to the first, sad, young man.. falling at my feet. And what’s even more amazing are the things that I figured out when there was nothing to take care of but myself.

I actually started to value the idea of a relationship. Crazy I know, because many find me cynical. But if you can break a piece of wall or open a window into my insides, you’ll find that it is not cynicism, but really, the complete opposite. I’ve mentioned this in many of my posts, at how in Love I am with the idea of love. Being alone for this long made me appreciate love for what it actually is and put the idea into perspective: I refuse to settle, I refuse to compromise myself. I value teamwork.

I have seen, with my own eyes, that in any relationship, whether friendship or romance, it is not about giving up any part of yourself. It is about working together and finding a solution or balance that suits both parties. Because in the end, working this way, you give up nothing more than arguments and stress. And I’ve learned, that yes, while it may be a difficult road to find that someone who makes it easy to work with, it will be worth it. Here’s an archive that might explain more.

So if you find yourself in this position of single-dom, my only advice is to be strong enough to spend the time alone. I know so many people who have never been single. I know people who during their ‘single’ days, are galavanting off into multiple affairs. Yah, I get it, because I have totally done that myself too, and I guess that’s my point.. for the first time ever in 32 years.. my focus was solely on myself.  More people need to take a min and watch themselves. I have found when people do that, myself included, they find that they are not quite the person even they would have a relationship with.. never mind the judging aspect.

Anywayyy..! Here’s to more new adventures, potential new love, and not that I would mind another year of self enlightenment, but I would love to see myself actually putting these ideas to work, and proving that this year.. as lonely, and crazy, and wonderful as it was, made me someone even I want to be with.

Cheers!

gym rant.

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

To the guys at the gym who do push-up after push-up.. after pull-up after pull-up.. after bench press after bench press.. after arm curl after arm curl..

No. No, please do not give me that hey look, please do not come over and talk to me. Why? Well honestly, I am kind of bitchy at the gym, and more so, because you can barely hold yourself up with your tiny, scrawny, little legs that have less muscle-mass than my own. The only conversation I want to have with you is in regards to an explanation of this obsession of being top-heavy! I have never understood it, and it makes men look in-proportionate.

I feel like I look pretty good in a mini, which means by the look of your legs, you might possibly look good in one too. That’s saying a lot.. for a man. And maybe, just maybe that’s why you are at the gym at 11pm on a Tuesday night, trying to talk to girls.

So, please, I ask of you, as nicely as possible.. Please go for a 3mi run on the beach, do some squats, some lunges, whatever.. for like 3 days/wk.. for about 6mo. And maybe the next girl you hey to will will like all of what they see.

i can’t make you love me if you don’t.

~ NewBeginnings ~ 2 Comments

“Some people are settling down, some people are settling, and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.” -Sex & the City

I refuse to settle.

And to clarify, I don’t see settling as in getting married or having children, or buying a house even.. any of that. Because, believe it or not, I want some of those things.. I want to love and be loved, but I know enough to wait for what is right for me. I refuse to do anything because of my age, or what society thinks I should be doing. Settling down for me is doing something for the mere reason that people, or society, expect it of you, not because you actually want to do it.

I especially believe this in terms of love. I have read in several places that people are in relationships for many reasons but not necessarily because of love. How sad is that!? I mean, if you think about it, we aren’t even friends with people because we genuinely like them or have anything in common.. many times it is a feeling of sheer obligation. I’ve also read a breakdown of the differences between love and obsession, lust, and control even. And honestly, this is why the divorce rate is 50%.

Don’t hate people, its a statistic. Fact. (in case you feel the need to read up on it, here’s a link for you) statistics

And also, in the 50% who stay married, only a fraction of those are together because of love. Now that is really sad.

As much as I LOVE living in a fantasy of romance and undying love, rom coms, and fairytales, (which, as many of you know, my likeness for these things is absolutely rediculous) I still understand, and learn everyday that love is more than convenience, expectation, practicality, being comfortable, and the idea of “I don’t think I can find anything better.” When I hear this, I want to kick a puppy. Is that what you really think? Or are you just being impatient? Lazy? Are you just plain scared of being vulnerable? These are the chances I am willing to take. Love is not “Well we’ve been dating 2 years, it’s time to get married.” Is it?! We’re talking forever here people.. do you realize this? Oh right, you can just get divorced.. because that’s a whole lot of fun I tell you.

Maybe it’s because I am part of that previously stated statistic and I refuse to add to it again. Maybe because of my previous ‘failure’ I finally understand what marriage actually means. Forever. I am slowing beginning to see, after physically seeing with my own eyes, so many people after me who got married, or divorced, or both even.. that marriage is no longer being taken seriously. It just becomes another ‘step’. Especially for those who are in long relationships.. hate me all you want for saying this, but maybe you aren’t supposed to get married.. maybe your long relationship is just that – a relationship you’ve had for a long time. I have been there, I know others who have been there too.. leaving relationships after 4, 8 years even. Marriage was not meant to be a ‘step’ it was, and is, meant for love.. not taxes, not babies, love. With love, comes the rest.. Maybe I’m trying too hard to explain this. But, maybe.. out of sheer hope, people will read and view life a little differently and actually take the time to fall in love vs just taking what they can get.

And yes, I’ve heard you critics, life now is not what life was back then.. blah blah.. The Bible is dated.. Society has changed.. That’s great, well if society has changed so much, then why are women, on average, still getting paid less then men? Why is there still discrimination? Why do families automatically expect children the minute people get married? Are you now going to argue on the basis of tradition? Exactly.. this is an on-going argumentative cycle. People may have changed, but feelings have not.

Love is a feeling, it is understanding. It’s compromise. Not in compromising yourself, but in finding compromise together. It’s being true to yourself and seeing truth in each other. It’s living as individuals, and bringing home your separate ideas to collaborate, or at least agree to disagree. It’s ever-changing.. because our lives are ever-changing. It’s loving all of someone including their imperfections.. not despite them. It’s allowing each other to be vulnerable because we all need to expose ourselves sometimes so we don’t feel shame. It’s about accepting that vulnerability because we all are victim to it.. It’s about not expecting strength and perfection at all times.

Love is about finding that person or people even, including friends, who see you for everything your worth, down to the bones. Vulnerable. Shameful. To be able to stand by you when you are not strong. Through imperfections. Love is not about knowing what buttons to push, but knowing why there are buttons at all. Love is truly unconditional.

And don’t get me wrong, of all the people I know who are married, with children, etc.. I know a few who are truly in love, who are together because of each other, not out of circumstance.. But I can count those couples on one hand.

Call me crazy, but no, I won’t settle, I refuse to allow myself to just be ‘comfortable’. I refuse to allow time, and society, and even friends and family, to create my boundaries. I refuse to be part of anything other than that 2% or so of the population who are together because of love.

Will I have to wait till I’m 80? Maybe. Will I be lonely? At times.. Will it be worth it? Yes.

im sorry, what month is it?!

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

We are getting ready to head into the half-way mark of 2013.

Half this year is almost over. I literally had a mini freak out about it today, so in true blogger fashion, I thought I’d share my thoughts with you.

I was driving with my roommate explaining how I’m making myself crazy because the months keep flying by. Weeks.. gone. Days.. a blur. Hours even.. Seconds.. mere memories. I was, and still feel like, life is happening way too fast for me right now. So much so, that I have no clue how to control it. My lovely roommate casually responded with something like, “Well, you can’t control it, life will always go too fast.”

And deep down I know that. I know I can’t control much of anything except myself and my actions. And I think that’s why I was freaking out. I was starting to become those people I blogged about once. Take a read when you get a moment:

..lets not go so fast this time..

I finally have a job I enjoy.. It is M-F, 8:30am – 5pm. Of course, on occasion I’m out a little late or in a little early.. but generally speaking I have a pretty normal schedule. I have weekends off. I have a ‘normal’ work week.

I never thought it would creep up on me and bite me in the ass. As I mentioned, I was, and am, (but trying reaalllyyy hard to stop) becoming one of those people that I blogged about back in 2012. I watch the clock, I work for the weekend.. I can’t wait until Thursday is over. I have openly said “OMG I can’t wait until next Wednesday is over.” Seriously?! I want to push time ahead a week?!

I stopped  s a v o r i n g  every day.

And now, 7 months later, I am just living a cycle of work/weekend/work in the place that I thought would change my life.

Not to say my life hasn’t changed, but something else my roommate mentioned today really made me think. She asked something like, “Well why are you feeling like that?” And continued by adding.. “There’s no need unless you think you are missing out on something, or not doing something you want.”

And honestly I have been thinking about that since I moved here. And if I break it down, the only thing I thought I was missing was money. I have a job I absolutely enjoy, it is exactly what I was looking for to get me into the job market in my field. I love the people I work with.. (although they are not nearly as great of friends as my last job #aeriegirlforlife ..sorry, had to) but the pay isn’t exactly helping me live the life I would like to. And don’t get me wrong, it’s not terrible.. it’s just tough.

And so maybe I just opened up a new door to myself. In writing that last sentence, I realized, maybe there is something missing.

I am recently starting to save for a trip to France. My plan is next year so I have time to save the money and build more vacation time. But in every dollar I save, something comes up. My car registration is in November.. and Christmas, of course, is in December. And never mind life happening.. like getting work done on my car that I need, so I can keep going to work!

So bringing this back a bit, I am missing something. More dreams. I have never traveled and France has been on my to-do list for years. At 32, I don’t feel the clock ticking as far as babies, or marriage, although one day I may still want those things.. But more so, I feel like everyday that passes, is another day gone. One less day I have to live another dream.

And like I wrote back in 2012, I don’t want time to go faster, I just want to enjoy now. I am excited for France, but I want to cherish the struggle it takes for me to get there. I want to appreciate my hard work and appreciate the time I have right now. I want to remember where I came from and be proud of what I have, and hopefully will, become.

Everyday is a blessing. And as much time that I think I may have.. I never really know.

It’s hard, I tell you. But I’m still trying. Because I don’t know what the future has in store. Even scarier, I don’t know when my last days will be. So really, I have nothing more than these moments of now. Nothing more than today.

dont know if you knew..

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

..But I’m a catch damnit.

Someone out there is totally missing out on all of this. (envision some hand movements)

For reals.

theres only one way to go at this point right?

~ NewBeginnings ~ 2 Comments

I’m hoping its UP.

Is it possible to be living opposite of the rest of the world? Like when things are going well for me.. I notice more disappointment and frustration around me.. lots of bad days explained. And, of course, I am not going to begin divulging all my awesomeness about work, life, love, vacation planning, or whatever.. so I enjoy my happiness alone all the while waiting for the rest of the world to catch up so we can share stories.

But like all things, there is also an inverse. So in these moments of self-frustration, and slight-dissapointment in my life, why is it that everyone around me seems to be at the top of their game? I thought misery loved company?! So why is it I always seem to fall at the opposite end of this happy-sad seesaw party..? And of course I never want to make people miserable just so I can be happy again, so all my senses are confused all the time.

I blame it on my natural tendency to be different. I have never followed the pack, expectations, none of it. With being an individual, it sure hits home when I hear that it is lonely at the top. Little do “they” tell you, though (whoever “they” are..) that it’s sure as heck lonely at the bottom too.

And for those of you reading this who know me.. you’re probably all thinking.. “oh Posh.. why are you being overdramatic about small mishaps in your life?!” Well HA I just punked you, because not only have the recent Boston events crushed my little heart, but yah, random rom com moments have happened, disappointments even, but more so, what no one sees.. ok maybe just one person has seen it all with me.. and that person, I KNOW doesn’t think I’m being overdramatic.. because all I have to say to this love-of-my-life-bestie is “FOR REALS?! IS THIS REAL LIFE?! THIS TOO?! UGH.” It’s like my past and present decided to have a pillow fight. Like Carrie said, “The universe may not always play fair, but at least it’s got a hell of a sense of humor.” True story right there.

Because really, if I told everyone, everything that was going on in my life.. where would all my mystery go!? And that also turns into a whole lot of one-sided conversations.. and I don’t like talking to myself.. although it is rather interesting, it’s not nearly as educational or inspiring.

So point being, my inner-disapointments go far beyond what people see or hear from me on the daily. I guess thats an obvious, but you’d be surprised at how many times I’ve experienced an “I know everything about you” moment from people who can barely scratch the surface of the awesomeness that I entail.

Anyway, back to the original question in all this.. Is it possible to be living life opposite of the world? Living as the un-balanced? Is there a reason for this if thats the case? To always provide an opposing side maybe? To remind people that there is always better or worse? To keep other people balanced? I don’t know but I’ll tell you one thing, I surely hope that with all my current internal misery, I’m at least entertaining the rest of you.

Cheers!

“Sometimes life will grab you by the balls and that’s when you have to ask yourself, ‘Do I even have balls, and if so, why are there two?’” ~Chelsea Handler

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~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment


I’ve been experiencing a lot of emotional randomness the past few days..

I know the reasons why.. they have led me to re-think about what I am looking for in life.

I hate days like today.. well, I mean hate is a strong word.. But today created more emotional turmoil inside me. I don’t want to over-saturate all the stories, articles, and blogs about Boston, but I do like to take these moments to remind people what is important in life. People. Love.

picstitchboston

I don’t think I have missed Boston or New England more than I did today. There was an ache inside me, imagining the pain and suffering many people went through this morning. Imagining the city I love so much, the sports teams I grew up with and spent the majority of my adult life cheering on.. Imagining pieces of it blown up. Pieces that I have been a part of, I have walked by.. streets I have walked down.

In the end, in all the memories, I remember the people. Thats what I miss and love the most. The people. Because that is what’s important in life. People. Love.

I love you, people of Boston. I’m thinking about you and praying for you.. Although you probably don’t need it from me.. because, You, are stronger than I am.

“..It takes only seconds to change a life.”

Cheers ❤

because I’m bored.

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

It’s Sunday.

I am wearing the most unflattering cropped yogas.. thankfully I have my brothers old Army sweatshirt to classy it up. I have 5 loads of laundry to do.. technically 6, but I’m going to be lazy and do a load tomorrow. You heard me, I’m lazy doing 5 loads of laundry.. while wearing unflattering cropped yogas.

Clearly, waiting for the cycles to complete leaves me with my mind wanting to do stuff. Isn’t that why I started writing? And what ends up happening, of course, is I write down nonsense.. Nonsense.. all the while my mind continues to think about more important, self-consuming things. Like money, jobs, my future, love, memories, relationships, friendships, family.. the gym.. this guy.. who I consider the man of my dreams, yet-he’s-probably-in-like-a-ten-year-relationship-with-his-high-school-sweetheart-and-has-like-5kids-because-he’s-way-too-hot-to-be-single.. guy. This guy.. who makes me nervous at even just the thought of him.

This guy! Who probably thinks nothing of me, yet he fills most of my thoughts.. daily. Notice I have nothing to say about my job, my future, or money. Even the gym.. and I freakin love the gym! Maybe I’ll go later today.. there. Finally. A different thought in my head.

<<Sigh>>

And here I am swapping laundry loads, in these awful, awful cropped yogas! (I do have to specify the cropped-ness of them because I think it’s the cropped part that makes them worse.)

I’ll just be happy when I have clean, fabulous pieces of clothing available to me so I can change.. to go grocery shopping and run errands..

Oh Sunday.