Tag: learning

my brain is still jumbled

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I just got back from yet another trip 🙂 in 2025 I have been blessed to have experienced Iceland (for the second time!) Ireland, Spain, and Morocco. And while the insight I will share applies to all places, it hits more certain destinations. I think I have blogged about this before when I was living in CA. I went to the beach at least 3-4 times a week, if not every day. I noticed the regulars that gathered in the mornings and afternoons, to walk their dogs and have coffee with friends and acquaintances.. Mind you, I went to the beach a lot my first 2yrs, then much more the last 5 of 12 years I lived there. I learned a lot in my last 5 years, one being how blessed I was to live where I am (more in an aesthetic sense because of the beauty, not the people, cost of living, or any other tangible fact of CA lol). And even in this realization, I had friends who were born and raised in SoCal, close enough to the beach also – who openly admitted they haven’t been in YEARS. YEARS I tell you. I had a friend tell me once, they only came because I lived so close and that’s where I hang out, and well, they would get a moment to see the ocean. I remember being more appalled at the people of CA after that LOL. I realized in my 12 years there, it was all the transplants who really dove into the nature and beauty of the coastline. Locals saw it as a distraction because #Tourists. And honestly, I can understand the annoyance living there myself, and planning my days of when I knew the seasonal people would be gone. However, it never deterred me from the beauty, and the sunsets, and the pretty mornings.

This isn’t to throw stones at CA or the people who live there, (although I am very happy to not live there anymore, lol) my point of this blog post is just sharing yet another realization on how we get desensitized in many aspects of life, not just the news. In all my travels, especially in Iceland, I wondered why people drove so fast. Like are y’all lookin around while you’re driving!? I AM, lol. Magic spews from all the baby fosses (what I like to call small waterfalls), the terrain changes as the miles increase, and the weather is like a toxic ex.. you just never know what you’re gonna get every 5min. This experience, and others alike, reminded me of living here in the US. I have always been one to appreciate nature and trees, and rivers, and lakes, and beaches.. but there always comes a time, like in CA where I’m deterred from the beauty due to “others” lol stomping in, leaving trash, and taking advantage of my parking spots lol. Now, thankfully as a seasoned traveler, I am VERY (prob too much sometimes lol) respectful of other countries, even other states in the US for goodness sake, and am very cognizant of culture. Even just visiting TN, I do all I can to be a part of whatever they consider “home”. Because isn’t that the point of visiting new places? To see a different lens? Maybe learn something.. maybe even adopt something that resonates with your beliefs? I beg those who travel to remember, the world is not here to adapt to YOU, it is YOU that needs to learn to adapt to your surroundings. That being said, In all places I have lived, New England, CA, and TX – I do have to take a step back and remember the local beauty around me.. because that’s why people are visiting. ME, MYSELF and I.. need to stop driving so fast.. and maybe look around a little more because there are many beautiful areas around where I live and some that I have yet to explore myself.

Ireland is probably the one place I have visited where they openly accepted tourists, they practically love them lol. The Irish (in my experience) help people immerse in their culture and the beauty of their country. They are so proud of what they have to offer and I think they find it a blessing that people want to experience it too. Maybe I need to pull that Irish side outa me and remember there are many people like me in the world (at least I want to believe it) who do travel for the appreciation, and the learning, and to see God’s creation.

Just as the title states, I’ve only been home like 30hr (closer to 48hr now lol) and my brain is still jumbled. I just had so many thoughts running around after this last adventure that I needed to start throwing words on electronic paper. It’s possible none of this makes sense and is a bit scattered.. It will just force me to post another idea in another week or so (can’t believe it’s been 10mo since my last post!). With all the traveling I did this year, I’m honestly surprised it took me this long to write something out loud.

I digress.. I think the best way to sum up the madness in my head, is that 1) Remember the beauty in your own home, your own surroundings. Even deep in a concrete jungle, I know there are sights that inflict emotion. Remember people might be visiting your location because they can’t get this experience at their home. 2) When visiting other places, remember it’s not their job to accommodate to you, you are in their space, their environment. Do a little bit of homework before exploring (honestly it surprises me when people don’t even look up basic lifestyle things before visiting somewhere. Like, no leaf peepers, someone’s PERSONAL HOME is not part of the peeping process – get out!).

So I guess some final jumbled thoughts are – I am blessed to be able to travel as much as I do. If you are not a traveler, honestly, thank you. Because I question if there will ever be (safe) untouched land again. And hot take: just as not everyone is meant to be a doctor, I don’t believe traveling is meant for everyone either. If you are a fellow traveler, I hope you are kind, considerate, adaptable, and patient. And lastly, remember where you are, remember your surroundings – there is beauty in your back yard too. ❤

new beginning or just a new mindset?

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I guess it’s timely that I am trying to add a blog post at the end of January. I’m pretty predictable when the New Year rolls around.. and more so, February. I will say though, most of what’s on my mind right now, isn’t related to New Beginnings. Or maybe I’m just not seeing it that way.

Per usual, I am word vomiting something I am feeling in case any one of you out there might feel or possibly experience the same. There’s a spiritual page I love on IG but don’t follow, or like posts, for a reason. I want to believe that if this person shows up on my feed it’s meant to be. With a lot of spiritual people out there, you never know if the messages are based on truth or views. And I will say, the average “likes” are around 5k. For a verified account in this current-day social media state, that isn’t a lot, but also 5k people thinking this message is for them, might make it unrealistic for me? And then I think – there are 8 billion people in the world.. 5, even 6k people isn’t even 1% of the population. So in a realistic sense. I’m sure a couple of people in every country are experiencing similar situations like divorce, grief, happiness, etc.. so I want to believe these people are meant to see the message that day also and we are healing or thriving together. One fact in life is that although we do not experience anything the same way, there are always similarities, and sharing those experiences helps us learn different ways of understanding said situation. I, for one, love a good perspective I may not have thought of.

So, who out there has ever had a moment of self-reflection and realized.. OMG. TSwift was right, IM THE PROBLEM, ITS ME. Not that I think I’m a problem per se, but I had a moment of: OMG. I am NOT as positive as my outside self shows to people. Last weekend, in the 11th hour, I booked a flight to see my bestie on the eastie, lol. And her mom-self was in shock and surprise when she learned that I negative self talk… ALL THE TIME. Even as recent as that moment getting picked up from the airport, I was “confirming” thoughts in my head. It was a weekend very much needed, and we came out with a new mantra since the last one we thought of: Life is too short not be f*cking excited!

This “new” mantra is more calming, lol. It started with me, on the plane, reminding myself that life changes literally every moment. The past 3 years have been the best and worst reality check of that. Whether that’s death, a new job, a new person, a car accident, weather canceling an appointment… Big or small, there are moments that change the trajectory of our lives constantly. And I recall a post from my blogs-past – me talking about how: tomorrow your life can change, and it is the most exciting, yet scary thing to really realize. Because people break up, people die, people get injured, people lose jobs, natural disasters happen.. lots of scary things. Yet at the same time, in these same moments, people also fall in love, finally have the baby they’ve been trying 8yr for, get new jobs, win the lottery, move across the country…

The reality is, knowing that life can change any moment, we can either be scared or hopeful. There is so much possibility even in the next 10min. And if we’re trying to focus on the positive here, with any hardship, there is always a small light, no matter how hard it is to see. So I explained to my bestie, that I have been saying to myself the entire flight here: “Stay Hopeful not Scared.” We talked about this concept almost all weekend – she’s a saint I tell you ❤ And in one wonderful moment, she says to me – “how about we make this even more simple: I am Hopeful. Make it an affirmation. I’m not trying to be, I want to be, I am.” Her additional rationale on this is, even though the second part is NOT Scared, the last word I’m saying is still: Scared. And just like telling a 5yr old NOT to run, all they hear is the RUN.

So in this, we started saying: I am Hopeful. I’ve been saying it a lot. But I’m having a hard time with it honestly. I did get one of my associates at work to jump on this Hopeful bandwagon, and I can only imagine they too, might be having a hard time believing it also. And this here is where my sad, eye opening moment from this current weekend came from. I say positive things all the time – been challenged as a “toxic positivity” person even. And this weekend I thought: “I’m a fraud!” LOL. Seriously though, I talk such a game of staying open, allowing God, or the universe to guide us, yet while no one is looking, I say the most terrible things to myself (annddd my eyes just welled up typing that). I have literally said to myself in the past 2 weeks: No wonder no one loves me, I barely love myself. << and this moment I literally sat there questioning my 5 years (yes FIVE) of singledom and being like: HAVE I DONE NOTHING to heal myself?! Yet, I know for a fact, I am not the same person today that I was even 2yr ago, so Yes, I have learned and grown.. but why can’t I see it lately? And if my thoughts are truly this low, am I even capable of creating or attracting positivity again? Is this why I find myself “struggling” so much lately?

And then like all things.. last night, actually.. eyes wide open, I thought: “How long has this been going on?” I definitely know it’s been a while, I’ve kept these negative thoughts in my brain for years.. and I always notice when I am able to shift the perspective because life does in fact change. It feels safer, I do feel hopeful in those moments. They just don’t seem to stick lately. It’s been years since I’ve had a moment like this… last time I was 20-something, and I was literally looking in a mirror at like 3am and saying to myself: “This is not what I want my life to be like.” Granted, those days and “failures” are much different than today’s lol, so I shouldn’t really compare the two, but the feeling hits just as hard. It’s the realization of: “I’m doing this to myself.” << which again is not exactly positive self-talk, and here we are.

I guess my point in all this is – Its ok to find yourself at a crossroads, to question your motives, rediscover your reality, as often as you need to. I just hope we all use these moments to reflect and actually make change. Because although we cannot control what happens TO US, we can control how we react and any actions we take. Self-reflection is uncomfortable, I know a lot of people who don’t, or can’t do this. It forces us to remember our weaknesses, who wants that?! But it is also a catalyst for growth. And no matter what you believe, I think one thing we can agree on is that, most fullfilment comes from growth and change.

So if y’all are struggling out there similarly, know you are never alone. Even if it’s only me who seems to understand this, it’s more than 0. We can be the <1% together. And I hope for you, as I do for myself, that we are able to dig ourselves back to hope – like for reals – and believe it. Believe that we are worthy of good. We are the only ones who can change our minds.

till next time.. ❤

To New Beginnings – Again!

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

12 years ago come October, I moved across the country from Boston to the LA area with $3k in my pocket. I remember thinking: “What if I don’t make it in SoCal?!” And here we are, with what will be 11years and (9days shy of) 11months – I made it, and I’m doing it again lol.

I posted a reel on my IG about a week ago of a preacher speaking about those who play the victim in problems that they created. It resonated with me on so many levels especially the last 10 seconds: “Spend more time with people with whom you have a common future instead of a common past.” Yes, Amen!

And although the message really feeds into those who pull you down and try to create a stronghold on your choices, as well as toxic energy, I want to focus on the common future to common past. In the almost 12years I spent in CA, I was not able to create a community of friends or family. From where I stand now, I have one good friend left here in CA, and that friendship just blossomed in the past year. Always happens that way doesn’t it?! Lol. As the years went by, I kept thinking I found more people to add to my future, but in reality, most “friends” I met, only lasted a year or 3 – tops.

And as I turned the page to 2024, I realized how lonely CA had become for me. The people, and old friends, that I had known my whole life, including “family”, were no longer part of my daily, or weekly, or even monthly life, and my “friends” were rotating on an annual basis. I was finding more life in traveling just to see my good friends out of state, and vice versa. I found myself coming back to two realizations that I have blogged on before: : 1) just because you have known someone your whole life or are blood related, does not, by any means, mean they are meant to be in your every day life going forward. And 2) you meet people everyday, and even though initial connections do happen, it doesn’t mean all people you meet will become an integral part of your life either. I will be living by that mantra going forward of: “Spend more time with people with whom you have a common future instead of a common past.” As we have all learned, the past does nothing for us. It does not change, it holds us stagnant, even as recent as Yesterday. We forget that yesterday is part of the past. Today can change, tomorrow can definitely change. And the people in each of these parts of our lives hold the same energy. Stagnation, manipulation, holding you back – or hope, promise, opportunity, and experiences.

So as I begin packing, and feeling all sorts of sentimental, I think of why this decision is the right one for now. The people. Now, I of course have some people who have been in my life for years that are still by my side, but there are many who have been around that I am so happy to move on from. This new beginning is beyond the physical nature of people but more so mental and emotional ties that I am excited to release. And on the other side, those I have met in these past 12years in CA, that I have created solid relationships with (all of 3 people lol, and only one that’s left here) – I am fairly confident they will stay with me through this new adventure as well.

It’s that common future – I freakin LOVE that! Who in your life is adding to your FUTURE? Isn’t that a great thought to entertain? To know you have, even if just one person, to create life with. To share in successes, to be there when you don’t know your left pinky from your right knee. To laugh with you, and even better, to cry with you. To talk you out of negative thoughts and to raise you up, and be your hype-person. I love that “common future” concept so much – those people are your people. And let’s be clear for those who might read this literally – common future doesn’t mean you’re doing the same things together forever. My most favorite person in the whole, wide, world, lives on the other side of the country. She built a beautiful home in the woods, and created two of my most favorite, beautiful children – while I’m out here happy to rent and pay HOA fees for amenities, and being childless and constantly on a travel high, LOL. Two different lives that move, and grow, and create, together. It’s loyalty, it’s trust. It’s understanding dreams and aspirations and turning “differences” into bows tied with different colored string <3. Common future does not mean “same”. Common future is moving and progressing forward together, it’s constantly creating something new between each other.

In simple terms, anyone can be in your life, but the ones that hold value are the ones that continue to grow and change with you #future. Anyone can show up, or linger even, but if they are moving in a different direction, supporting your journey will be difficult.

So think about your “common future” people – continue to nurture those relationships, and be ok with making space or letting go of common past. You aren’t there anymore, you are here, today. I am so excited to have a handful of people growing with me, who never think I’m crazy for these moves and decisions, but see it as thriving and creating, and even finding possibility in their own lives, just as I do when they make changes or big decisions.

So let’s stay present and hopeful for tomorrow. And remember that you are who you surround yourself with, so make sure y’all at least have the same map on this journey.

till next time, xoxo

4.14

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I literally had a whole post about emotions and heartache, and I saved the draft. I stopped bc I realized, what am I even trying to accomplish here? Share my thoughts? My emotions?

It’s a gloomy, rainy day today, and the slowdown is much appreciated, especially for my writing. My saved piece talked about my acceptance of “caring too much” and learning that it is not a weakness. It talked about the hurt I’m feeling at the moment – and that’s where I stopped. Because, I literally said out loud – why am I assuming this is a closed chapter? Pages are still in the works, changes can still be made at any given moment. There are drafts still in the editors box. And while the chapter could essentially close tomorrow, it is still not complete.

I’ve had so many ideas this past month on a new post, and sadly didn’t note them down, but I think today my goal for myself, and whoever reads this, is to remind you that although situations may feel difficult, hurtful even, or confusing, it doesn’t mean its over. And while that may sound like there is more to wade through, I mean it more as a moment of hope in that clarity will come, or the outcome you hoped for has even bigger plans.

There is a fine line of beginnings and endings, and sometimes I wonder if things really end, or if the story just changes. Like, I have a big move coming up, and how I feel about this, is similar on how I felt as I was grieving death these past few years. When someone leaves, nothing really changes – time still moves, people are still waking up, going to work, doing all the things. Nothing ended, maybe only the presence of that person, but still, sometimes even that presence remains. So in this move I am preparing for, I thought about the village where I spend the majority of my days in, the beach, and my walks/runs. None of this will change when I leave – life will continue on. New locals will emerge at the cafe, a new person will occupy “my seat” at the local bar, and the story of the village will continue – better yet, so will mine. They just become two different stories now, the ven diagram of stories expands – like a spin off series if you will. Just another new beginning versus viewing something as an ending.

So these emotions I am moving through do not necessarily mean an end and a beginning, but maybe just an edit in the story. And as the quote above indicates, even edits just create a new idea in the storyline. As this thought continues to ruminate in my brain, honestly I found a little hope. Amazing what tippy-tapping on a screen can do for morale, lol.

If you spent time on this little brain spew, I hope you found some hope too. If something is going on that may feel confusing or if you’re struggling with “ending” and “beginning” maybe reframing it as a new story or an edit helps. Now, as we know, I still hold strong with letting things go that no longer serve you – and maybe even if that is the case, and something must be “let go”, the feeling doesn’t need to feel so hard. It can be softer, it may not alleviate the pain or hurt overnight, but can help recreate your vision of tomorrow, and create openness for you to welcome your new story. ❤

(I did not edit this before posting, so no grammar judging, lol)

till next time, xoxo

tis the Birthday season

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

oof – last post in Nov? And I feel like it could have been better, lol

Well, for those who have been on this weird writing journey with me you hopefully know that time it is.. BIRTHDAY TIMEEEEEE. lol. From January until like June? lol its Birthday Season for me and my friends. Now, I don’t celebrate with some now, so the season may be a little shorter these days or sporadic? is maybe a better description? Because I have people I love in Jan, Feb, Mar, April, June, and July then the majority of my babies (and my Brother) are Oct, with baby Jojo closin’ out on Nov 2nd. So maybe I’ve been thinking about this all wrong? Although the majority of celebrations happen within the first half of the year, I truly celebrate all year long. whoop!

I started this post with my usual intention of talking about: Every day is a New Beginning, Be present, Live in the moment, and here I am, sidetracking bc I’m amazed that I have people I love almost every month of the year lol.

Anywhooo this year, like the past two years, feels different. My normal Birthday season involves a literal celebration every weekend of Feb with increased social media posts on positivity and magic, and being an independent, strong, wild, woman. Past two years however, everything from surviving a plague, to multiple deaths, to huge career changes have occured. It’s all come with many highs and many lows, but the lows hit a little harder. Maybe because I’ve never been good with death. I’ve been trying to grasp death since HS when a good friend of mine died in a car accident. Then another good friend died in college from cancer. Times where you don’t quite imagine having anyone die so young. And now in adult-adult life, it begins to feel even more surreal if that’s even possible. I think it’s because as an adult who survived their 20s, every day that comes is another day closer to the inevitable. And as we get older, death is more prevalent, from hearing about people you went to HS with, to their parents, siblings, etc. Because death is more common as we age, it starts to become more than just an idea, but a reality.

And don’t worry, I’ll turn this mood around, lol – but the past two years of this mental and emotional cloud of losing 5 people in two years, has challenged me in more ways than I imagined. I thought it would just refresh my perspective, start living in the moment, be more grateful, etc.. But no. It actually made me more scared. Scared of tomorrow. Scared of possibly no tomorrow. Scared of taking risks. Scared of living bc of the fragility that surrounds life. All of which is complete opposite of what death should teach us. Or is it?

Maybe we should be scared. I looked up my first blog I ever posted. And it was about: Doing something everyday that scares you. And we’ve come full circle here kids. And if we wanna get technical, being Afraid is probably more grammatically correct, lol but either way, as Natalie Babbitt wrote in Tuck Everlasting, “Don’t be afraid of death; be afraid of an unlived life. You don’t have to live forever, you just have to live.”

It’s not death I think that is now the scary part. I think it’s more the fear that I will not be able to do all the things I hope, and wish, and strive, to do. Because if you’ve read any of my stuff, gratefulness oozes through the screen, adventure, wild thoughts, controversial ideas, and sometimes, I’ll even admit, toxic positivity, lol. But I DO truly believe things happen for reason – not A reason, but reason. There was a video I watched earlier today about a woman who lost one of her twins during birth. And she explains the idea of reason well, with regard that no matter what you believe, you just have to believe in something bigger, especially when death or tragedy occur. Because one moment (big or small) changes the trajectory of all that comes after. And she beautifully described how her son is at 7yr old now to explain her point.

I guess what I’m getting to here is, grief is hard. And it’s never the same as anyone or any situation. It’s as diverse as snowflakes and stars. It changes your life for good, for bad, or whatever mixture the two values create. But it changes you and your world. Personally, I feel as grief has changed me more on the good bc I love so much harder, and give more than I physically can now. Whitney Hanson has a beautiful poem about loving people who know grief and says people who know grief, know that, “everyone and everything you love will disappear one day” which is why said people who know grief should not be let go of. We know, how fragile life is, and maybe that’s why I have always known. I’ve literally been grieving most my life. I’ve felt pain like this since I was 16 and questioned so many things as the years go by. But I also love and care harder than most people I know. There are so many nights I’ve cried and prayed so hard to stop caring about “things I shouldn’t.” When now, I realize it’s just who I am bc I know nothing is permanent. I’m scared, so I care.

Well this came back around not in a way I had expected, which means my other ideas of Love and New Beginning will be expressed closer to Feb, which I guess makes sense being the Hallmark Month of Love. And maybe by then, I WILL feel a little more celebratory and hopeful. But until then, let me share that beautiful poem I mentioned above, and I hope anyone who has felt grief, or is feeling this now, that this little grief dump of a post, helped free a few of your emotions.

till next time, stay scared – the good kind ❤

unedited thoughts of late

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I feel like there has been a lot of letting go the past year or so.

Letting go of friendships, family, and I guess relationships in general. As well as the past, ideas, emotions, and other aspects of life and myself, that were holding me back from living. With letting go of people, comes the letting go of their presence and past connections. Connections, that no longer support me, serve me, or give me joy. << It’s the “no longer serve me” that is important here. I say this because, I lost two loved ones last year, and both their spirits still serve me and support me, and give me peace.

However, there are moments, (some times many moments) that happen daily, where we realize we have outgrown a situation, a person, a feeling. This year has been a big year of finding myself, and relearning not to be afraid of life. And no matter where the days have sent me, for me, it’s the people who kept me going. I used to be so proud of being independent, strong, singular. Me. I’m going to take care of myself. Me. Just me. This year I realized I need people, but differently than I thought. I’m not as strong as I thought I was. I don’t always want to be independent. There is a difference between independence and being alone. I just ended up alone. And not just alone, but lonely. << This right here, was very hard for me to admit, and it still is. I never want(ed) people thinking I’m needy, dramatic, or worse yet, thinking I’m faking it.

But recent events have reminded me that sometimes we are so focused on certain things, people, emotions even, that are just “available” and in front of us, that we put our effort into them. Because why not right? They are there ready for the taking. But rather, we should be taking a breath, find some sort of grounding, and remember the ones, and the feelings, that in fact, still serve us, and light our soul. A team Jeremiah vs Team Conrad, metaphor for life, if you will lol.

As much as I love flowers, it’s this example of what people actually offer me, that I need to carry with me as I navigate this life through the good and bad. Am I just getting tangible things from people or am I getting *moments*, substance beyond the day, that can surpass the heavens?

I guess my point in all this, that probably could have been stated in a sentence, lol, is that not all people or feelings will serve you. Keep close the ones, although not always in front of you everyday, that stand the test of time. Not bring back the past to you, but from wherever they begin, they can follow you to the end. Let go of what no longer serves you, let the hard emotions pass, and let these people help you understand the difference.

A Harvard study did find, that positive relationships keep us happier, healthier, and help us live longer. So be mindful of your village however large or small. I am blessed to have had certain people by my “side” the past few weeks, and they reminded me that it’s ok to let the others go. Honestly, some of these people surprised me, while others confirmed some thoughts I had. But in all, I will forever be grateful to those who continue to show up when I need them, and learning through them that it’s ok to outgrow the ones who don’t.

Take care of yourselves friends, and pay attention to those who are part of your universe not just those in your front yard.

till next time, cheers,

I’m not popular

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

And neither are some of my opinions, but I just have a hard time understanding how we are in 2023 and still so unaccepting. In light of Pride Month and Juneteenth ahead, and well, the slew of hate against Drag Shows recently, I question a lot of things with this country and wonder how those who argue over “keeping things they way they were”, or “back in my day”, refuse to acknowledge all the progress they accept on a daily basis.

Don’t people understand that if “things stayed the way they were” we wouldn’t have this damn country. We were built from many things, and rebellion, different values/ideas, and different cultures are all part of that. We wanted a new land so we could live “freely”. So why would we deny freedoms or the people themselves who think and live differently? Why are we not wondering or asking them what they know that we don’t know?

I’m sure there were people who thought airplanes were witchcraft at one point. I mean, how many mid 80s/90s kids heard that the internet was the devils work bc it was opening up information we “shouldn’t know about”. Yet now those same people who shunned the internet, now use it as their form of “news”. And post on platforms on said internet to keep in touch with friends, all while posting their opinions on the media-driven “news” they read about. << ok maybe that last point might be the devils work, lol.

In that same sense, I know people will read this and come at me with plenty of OPINIONS (not facts) on why Drag Queens are bad, Gays are bad, and why History should not be dissected. Well, I stand by my last post – Be Curious, not Judgemental. Those of us who have no problem with lifestyles we don’t understand, are curious. We ask questions, we don’t judge. In that same sentiment, those who are finding gaps and inconsistencies in our history, were again, curious. Because as I also noted in my last post: Ignorance may be bliss.. but it is still Ignorance.

These same people who choose ignorance and judgement, fight the same battle and complain against those that question their opinion. And I get it, judgement should not be coming from any side, however, those unaccepting of change, rarely realize that they feel attacked because more times than not, they fight with opinions, not facts. It’s possible they are trying to hold on to whatever “bliss” they have left from some mental model from childhood without realizing the only constant in life is change.

Even in a small town where things may change less, there is still change. How am I so sure about that? Because there are babies born every single day. A child alone, creates change in this universe – first in its home within its family, then as it grows and learns, school or no school, they will develop ideas and dreams, and questions. Why do you think that small town storyline in movies/books even exist? Gotta leave this farm for the “big city”. Why? Because each of these main characters wanted to LEARN MORE AND EXPERIENCE SOMETHING NEW. Because they realized ignorance may be bliss.. BUT, lol, ignorance is STILL ignorance. They wanted to understand what was outside their bubble.

I digress slightly, but my point is, before I start demanding that people return their cell phones and computers, and cars even, can y’all just take a moment to realize that change is eminent? Whether that’s an evolution of mind or culture change is constant. And instead of arguing as to why we must celebrate LGBTQIA+ or Juneteenth, (its bc both scenarios involve a portion of our population that has either been oppressed and/or denied truth just FYI) maybe be curious instead. I myself didn’t know what Juneteenth was up until 2-3 yr ago. But I was curious, so I learned. Lets throw another quote out there before this ends, lol, “Life begins at the end of your comfort zone”. How ’bout go to a Drag Show and ask questions, you have a gay co-worker? Ask questions. I want to believe they will appreciate that more than your judgement. I have a Jewish co-worker that I worked closely with back in the day, he appreciated all my “stupid” questions. I asked questions to learn so I could understand the culture. And let me tell you, I asked a lot of questions – Yes, I was even one of those people who asked if Jews celebrate Thanksgiving *face_palm. Point is, I was being curious, I took a moment to learn, to understand. And one year, he thanked me because although sometimes annoying, he was glad that I at least asked. I also think it was the same year I was the only person who gave him a Hanukkah card, and for that, he was also grateful.

So before y’all come at me, maybe ask a question first. And if you throw Jesus into this, mus I remind you that anyone in any religion can pull a line from a bible or other religious word to cover their OPINION. But FACT is, most religions, moral of their story is 1) believe in the Lord and worship them 2) don’t be an asshole to your neighbors. i.e. you can hate the sin, but not the sinner. The Lord loved sinners. We are supposed to love not judge. In this case of religion, we are supposed to spread His word, not take others words away. Don’t make me bring in excerpts of “casting the first stone” to start backing myself up, lol.

Anyway, I haven’t put controversial thoughts on here in awhile, and a great thing about this country is free speech. So lets remember why we are great – Indivisible with Liberty and Justice FOR ALL. ❤

till next time, be kind, be curious, not judgemental.

xoxo

So much for 1/mo

~ NewBeginnings ~ 2 Comments

For this blog – thought I would be posting once a month, but its been quite a year. I guess I’ll just consider this is a mid-yr reacap? This will definitely feel, and sound like a ramble, but like all my posts, if anyone gains anything from this, even just a laugh or new idea, then I’m still fulfilling my purpose of starting this.. 11 years ago!? Go check out some Archives, those originals are hilarious, lol.

I also have 4 drafts that have been sitting in my edits waiting to complete.. maybe one day my brain will be able to focus long enough to get those done. For now though, its a new day, new month – and honestly, lots of New Beginnings have occured the past 5 months. One thing for certain however… there are some things that never, or rarely change.

From topics I write about often, a few thoughts that have remained consistent this year:

  • Family is not blood. It is many things, but blood and DNA/genes is not a requirement, nor the only, or needed, factor.
  • People are still in relationships for all the wrong reasons. *Small insight that I have learned is that most people’s fear of being alone is stronger than the need, or want for happiness – hence divorce rates, toxic relationships, etc… *Second insight is that almost all relationships get pressured to advance said relationship, i.e. “when are you getting married?!” “when are you having kids?!” which in turn creates issues, even for those who are in healthy relationships for the right reasons. We all have different timelines in life, relationships are no exception, we need to stop putting other people on our personal timelines.
  • Ignorance might be bliss, but its still Ignorance.
  • Contrary to popular belief, opinions are not facts. Nor are emotions, anxiety and depression.

Now, some things I did learn so far this year:

  • We need more Ted Lasso’s – Be Curious not Judgemental.
  • Although the ocean has a very special place in my heart, it is actually just the movement of water I truly love, and need in my surroundings.
  • No matter what you believe in, if you notice recurring signs, listen to them, pay attention to them. Don’t make assumptions – per point 1 – Be Curious. Sometimes the signs are super obvious, but sometimes, they are not necessarily pointing to what’s in front of you, they are teaching you and leading you to something you have not thought about. Maybe its a YOU problem, and maybe its more a need to change your way of thinking and doing.

Overall, this has been very much a year of: Control the Controllables. I started in a new role at work (eek!), I have traveled more in the last 5 months than I can remember in any year (YaY!), I moved (YaY!), I broke a toe (gah!). It’s definitely been a typical rollercoaster of heaviness and lightness of emotion, trying to navigate all the change internally and externally. I have had many a frustration, especially the past 3 months, having to travel in a boot for 2 of the many trips I took, and also being limited in movement after finally accomplishing my first half marathon just 3.5 mo prior to the bone break. BUT, this is day 5 of no splints, no tape, and real shoes 🙂 #smallwins

My new role is challenging, and will be a great learning experience for however long I do this. I think I learned the most about controllables from this role due to the reactive nature of it. Because thats all we can do when things happen that we do not expect, react. React as best we can, based on the tools we have. Knowing my reaction is controllable, I have learned to add more tools to my EQ box. Generally speaking, the more we are curious, the more we learn, and are able to create better experiences, whether thats with people or just trying to get through TSA.

I guess moral of this mid-year randomness is I have learned to be more curious, which in turn allows me to control my controllables, which really, the only thing we CAN control is ourselves. I have been learning to be more insightful in situations, and taking my time on next steps. Not every moment in life needs a to be a dive, sometimes wading or dipping a toe in a river, or ocean, or metaphorical lake, gives perspective and the ability to make proper decisions for our actions.

till next time, hopefully sooner than 5 months, lol, cheers,

xoxo

back to the beginning

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I have a lot on my mind, and not sure where to start, so I’ll just go with what I know – I’ve said it year after year, that we do not need New Years to actually have a New Beginning, New Beginnings happen all that time, everyday, on a random Tuesday in Aug. This year I’m taking that more to heart. Today is my Day 1. Christmas Day of all days I understand, but I’m alone again for Christmas this year, and thought what better day to start anything especially on a long weekend (for me). And I mean, if I wanna get technical, yesterday could have been my Day 1 – but you know when you just get that “ready” feeling? I felt it for today, so I’m giving Day 1 to Christmas.

Like many years, this has been one of highs and lows.. the biggest high for sure was work and career. A year ago today, I was crying in cafes, lol, studying, (yes even on Christmas) for one of the hardest exams I had to take. 2 months of studying and I finally passed it (on the 4th try!) Feb 4th. To see where I am now makes me wonder why I don’t have that same patience or compassion in my personal life.

Because from that moment on, I have been offered 3 leader roles (and taken 2) and I’m about to start that second promotion in the new year. I will admit, I have leaned heavily on my work life bc my personal life was questionable, at best, from the start of the year. On top of personal, emotional, and even physical criticisms, I lost many a loved one, a few acquaintances, and some local friends this year. Life and Death was on my mind constantly, and my anxiety was at all time highs this year.

Work kept me feeling stable. It was the one place of community where I was excelling and being appreciated on a daily basis. When each day would be over, I would turn around in my desk chair, and not know what to do with myself. For a couple of months I had a few goals, as I ran my first Half-marathon this year. 13.1 officially in the books. And as much as many people would congratulate me, and high-five, considering my time was a-ok for a first-timer, I was not happy with any of it. I was only happy the training was over. It makes me a little emotional just typing that out loud. I love(d) running – and I didn’t love any of that experience. Once that race was over I literally did nothing. Except work. And travel, obvs, lol. But my day-to-day was just eat, sleep, work, and visit the cafe and bar in the village, just to get myself out of the house.

And then one day, I woke up 10lbs heavier, and feeling emotionally drained. I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize the person on the other side. I was in denial. I didn’t want to believe I was just existing. There was no sparkle in my eye, pants kept getting tighter, and as a petite 5’2″, I was now officially the same pant size as my best friend who is about 5’7″ and has 2 kids. And honestly she looks better in them pants than I do bc she’s got the height, and is prob in better shape at this point bc its been about 2 months since I saw her pretty face. AND I know none of this should matter bc every bod, and every shape, blah, blah, blah – but for me, myself – I know when I’ve been at my happiest – and spoiler alert, it was NOT when I was a size 0 (yes there were a few times I was a size 0). I was probably more miserable then. I was happiest when I could just fit into my favorite outfits. And not struggle to tie my shoes or give myself a pedi bc my stomach is in the way, or struggle with yoga poses bc of said extra cushion – yes, I said it. And I stand by it. Because the one thing that I realized is, yall are right, it doesn’t matter what size, weight, etc.. we are, but it DOES matter when you have image issues and hate yourself every time you look in a mirror. It also matters when the vision of yourself restricts you from enjoying life. Not making plans because it means I have to find an outfit that doesn’t make me feel gross, denying dates bc #same, and turning my “wardrobe” into hoodies and jeans bc thats all that fits, and the hoodies can hide the tightness of my jeans.

This is just a moment of reflection on why we (especially myself this year) put so much energy and motivation into so many things except ourselves. I preach so often about self-care, and “you cant pour from an empty cup”, and here I am with no cup, and awful feelings towards myself.

Bringing this full circle – today is my Day 1. Had a nice little Christmas Eve last night, and a friend drove me home. I was a little against it, until I remembered I wanted to do my “annual” Christmas Day run, and I turned it into an adventure. I found it hilarious knowing that this year, I was just running from my house back to the village, to pick up my car this year, lol, but of course I took the scenic route on the esplanade to pull a full 2 miles. And my first run in 2.5 months (since my half-marathon) is done.

And now Day 1 of refocusing all that work energy into myself is here. I know I’m not going to love myself overnight, and I also know it took me 3.5 years to pass that stupid exam (again, took me 4 tries!). Even with those obstacles, I was never as hard on myself as I am with my personal life. If I can be diligent and hopeful in my career goals, no matter how long it took, I can do the same for myself. I would be lying to say: “success doesn’t happen overnight”. Although there is some truth in the statement, this year alone reminded me how much can change in a minute never mind a day, or a year. So as much as I want to see change in myself, I need to remember what the process was for my career. Because in every stage, from exam studying to my offers this year, I focused on what was in front of me, and allowed myself to be happy with the journey. Thats what I want for myself this year. To be focused on whats in front of me, what today is offering me, bc tomorrow it may be different. Every day truly is a New Beginning.

Day 1 can be any day – and if you get to a point in your life where you need to reevaluate, I hope yall remember you choose when your Day 1 is. It doesn’t have to be every Jan 1st, it doesn’t have to be Christmas, it just needs to be a day – a day you remember, that you choose, to change your situation – whether you have a cheering section or no. This day is for you, and you only.

Whether your year was similar to mine or better, hope yall have found some magic this Holiday Season,

Cheers to Day 1s – till next time..

Long time, no chat

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

If my followers are still here after this hiatus, I graciously thank you!

I feel like I have said that before, and I probably have, because I have had computer issues easily for over a year now, so I only used it for emergencies. However, I am typing from a whole new laptop! WHOS EXCITED?! Which means I’m stretching my fingers and and getting this party re-started!

Due to this delayed time, I have some drafts chillin, so I’m hoping to post those as well, be mindful some ideas may feel dated, but I still appreciated how the posts turned out, and think they are worth sharing. Keep eyes out for those!

For today, this is just my little: Hello! Anybody (still) there?! post as I emerge from the darkness. And honestly, everything happens for a reason because we are headed into year end, and yall know its my favorite time to remind everyone that everything in life is temporary and to embrace #newbeginnings not only on a yearly basis, but a daily basis.

Which brings me to a little recap of the last 18 MONTHS!? sheesh – I even re-read my last post from May of 2021 to catch myself up, and thankfully laughed more than cried, lol. The tears were all happy. I am also happy I was able to get a post in last year because last summer was when my 2008 macbook (you read that year right, and everyone was still in awe it even turned on lol) started to really die on me.

But after all that uncertainty, I started my new gig, and let me tell you.. my life CHANGED. I mean, I’m still the same ol’ sarcastic optimist, who tries to share a different perspective on life.. but all these changes, made ME see life a little differently. I met one of my most adored friends I have today, and my career went from 0 > 180 in the first 9mo. For example, in just the past year alone (i.e. a year ago from today) I got a promotion and just recently, only 7mo later, was offered anotha! new role. It honestly has been a whirlwind, and I have never felt so appreciated than I have right now with the work I am doing. AND if you have read along this journey, you’ll know that for many years, I didn’t really enjoy my job, but I loved [some of] the people.. now, I freakin love what I do, AND I love like ALL the people, lol. This whole experience just reminded me what the Universe/God can do if you’re not strong enough to make the change yourself. Sometimes we need a little nudge, so make sure you’re paying attention! That’s why your first love is your first, not your last, and why your first job is your first.. and you get the point. And I do know many people who don’t believe that things happen for a reason.. all I can do to explain is, you have to believe in something, for something to believe in you. ❤

Although my career has been on fire this year, personally, my life has been a rollercoaster. From a few deaths (yes a few) in my personal circle, some new and reoccurring health issues, to questioning where I belong, (bc when you lose people around you, you really start editing life’s Pros and Cons list) its been emotionally and mentally taxing to say the least. And I’m not sure how yall are, but when an aspect of life is struggling, I lean on the parts that are going well. I threw myself into work (at points to my dismay) and booked every plane ticket I could find. I tried my hardest to focus on my partnerships, but even some of those created heartache, headaches, or left me questioning if I travel to “run away”. But if there is one thing I have learned, no matter how hard I try, lol, I can’t run away from myself. I’m still there, with the same feelings, same headspace, same problems, if you will.. and the only way to manage those, are to accept them, and work through them. Thankfully travel always seems to find a way to help make me think a little differently, and help me to reevaluate priorities.

On top of life and work, I ran my first Half-marathon last month 🙂 2/10 recommend, lol. But really, it was an amazing experience, I def cried running over the finish line, and I may do another, but wanna go back to yoga first, lol. Per usual, whether work, life, personal, or any other aspect of ourselves, there are always highs and lows, this past 18mo was no different.. The struggle is finding a proper balance to be able to appreciate both. The sun and the moon are often out in the sky at the same time, and both are beautiful, and very much needed.

With that, thanks again for those who are still around, welcome to my new readers, and excited for this #newbeginnings chapter of life with restarting this blog!

till next time, cheers! xoxo