Tag: ideas

another anxiety post (unedited)

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I have such a hard time with people who don’t have the capacity to empathize with others, in this particular instance, I’m talking about mental illness. I don’t expect anyone to completely understand how this feels (unless they go through it themselves, of course, but even then, how it happens is different to everyone, and the outcomes are also different) but I always hope that the people around me are conscious enough to stay away from the obligatory: “But today is good right?” “Have you tried..” And the worse of them all, “It’s gonna be ok.”

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Not that people in my situation don’t know that things will eventually be ok, but that does not help the situation if someone is currently in a struggle. You have no idea how much I appreciate people who don’t try and give me advice, or try and  “fix” my issues. Because no one can fix them, it’s a mental thing! I am the holder of my thoughts, and it is I, who is the one who can “fix” anything, if there is anything that needs fixing, that is. But to those who listen, and talk through things, and share experiences themselves, no matter how relatable or not.. THOSE are my people. In life, we will never be able to save everyone, I learned that the hard way. But we can support, and accept, and LISTEN.

It took me a long time to realize that no one could “help” me. I kept thinking a boyfriend, or my friends, my Dr’s, my Therapist, were there to make this better and “fix” it. It was, not scary per say, but maybe.. no, it was a little scary, lol, but also enlightening to know I was the holder of my emotions, and that no one but myself can make me “better”. Not that others can’t help in other ways, but to assume an outside being was going to “save” me, that’s just pure cray, cray.

A wonderful person in my life talked me through and reminded me of all the good that happened this year because I was focusing so much on the downside, as this was a very difficult year emotionally. Lots of therapy, lots of anxiety, lots of depression, lots of loneliness. I did appreciate the talk, but also didn’t know how to vocalize that I know I am overly blessed. I know all the good, all the travel and amazing trips I went on this year, all the moments with my babies and watching them grow. Trust me, I know. I experienced them, I was there, lol. But thats the thing with mental illness, it pokes at the positives. I literally feel like I have a devil and an angel on my shoulders. There are days I have literally yelled (in my brain and even vocally) NOT TODAY SATAN!!

Over the weekend, I had another, lets call it.. episode. Doing something completely normal no less, and what I would consider an ideal situation. I was doing laundry on Saturday, and was pumped to find the laundromat empty with only about 3 people doing laundry. YES! Two of them were finishing up, and I had the place just about to myself.

When I started finishing up, the last person there had gone off, and it was wonderful and quiet, I live for these laundry days! UNTIL, out of nowhere, I became panicked. Any other day this moment was a moment of celebration, so I was yelling at my brain like, “The fuck bruh, why you stressin?!” And in the moments following, I had the biggest bout of anxiety with a fear that someone was going to come and try and steal me (for those who know anything about me, this is a normal, yet strange, fear of mine, lol – but it has never really created panic, its just been a thing I know about myself).

Anyway, I started rushing, kept breathing, focusing on my breath, I could feel my heart beating, I kept telling myself I’m fine.. and then RAN OUT OF THERE.

This, people, this is a snippet of what anxiety is all about. It is unexplainable to the masses, and many people think you’re cray. Like how do you explain this completely irrational moment to someone without feeling like an idiot?! Because I know the emotion is ridiculous, but I can’t always control it. And when things like this happen, I feel bad for myself, and sometimes end up in depression. I could barely get out of bed the next 38hrs. I do try and force myself out, to do an errand or two, but always end up home, and feeling trapped.

The night of this incident, I unexpectedly caught up with an old friend from college, and he said to me: “Wow, I never thought you had issues or anxiety over anything, you’re always so positive.” I laughed and said, “Yah, I’m that PSA where they say it’s “always the happy one, the funny one, the positive one.” But he actually had a hard time grasping that I, the positive one could feel and understand his issues so well. I never said this, but wanted to say, “Well, THAT’S HOW I understand so much!”

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This blog has turned from emotional venting, to relationship venting, (those posts always make me smile, lol) to dealing with anxiety. I guess it makes a little sense because life evolves, and just as this blog was intended, every moment of our lives is a new beginning, so it only makes sense that content also evolves.

But one thing will never change: Every moment literally is a New Beginning. And just like every moment of crippling anxiety, I have to remind myself, tomorrow can be, and will be different. This is why New Years is just a reason to party for me. So many times in life has a New Beginning not come on January 1st. Moving to SoCal is one of those moments, getting a new job is another. We don’t wait around and start our lives in January, so why the build up?

Anyway, I digress.. point of today was to share a story, to help maybe provide some more insight in the world of what people like me go through. Maybe this helps someone who thinks they are equally cray, I gotchu.

In a world trying to grow a culture of acceptance, remember those who do not show their illnesses, those who are embarrassed of their “problems”, those who don’t know how to explain what is going on. Be kind, be supportive, and sometimes, just be there.

Stay kind my friends, xoxo

❤

wheres miranda when i need her (unedited)

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Sex & the City – Season 2 Episode 10

One of my absolute favorite episodes because it truly explains how women are (many times) punished for their success. I know I’ve blogged about this concept before, but in the midst of Tswift’s The Man, and just my recent experiences, I was compelled to write about another sleeve of this double standard.

I go to a local bar.. it’s my very own Cheers.. everyone knows my name. I tip well, and have made some.. acquaintances, if you will. What fascinates me though, is even though I tip rather well (20-50% depending on the day) I do not get the same respect or treatment as male regulars. And mind you, I’ve been, and still am, a regular at many places, but this place in particular, I notice the difference.

Maybe because the type of bar it is? Maybe because the the traffic that comes through? I don’t know, but what I DO know is, when it’s busy I am patient and understanding, and I don’t let the busyness deter me from tipping well or taking it personal. But I also always notice other regulars who frequent this place.. almost all of whom are male.. are still always taken care of in a timely manner.

Now, don’t get me wrong.. women are different personality-wise by nature.. but is that any reason to take advantage of those qualities? I know for a fact I make the same, if not more, than many of those men who frequent this place, but yet, my dollar is undermined by the fact that I’m a female. Even by female staff no less!

Why does society hate successful women? Why must I BE understanding if I’m served after a man? Even fellow women can’t stand successful women! *face_palm* No one questions the man who shows up every night to have a cocktail and sits at the bar for a few hours, yet I receive looks and questions of why I’m there so often. This then turns into “jokes” which in turn just shows that women aren’t allowed to “act” like men.

HOW ABOUT WE JUST ACT LIKE PEOPLE. PEOPLE WHO HAVE STRESSFUL JOBS THAT MAKE THEM WANT TO DRINK.

I understand this post is slightly 2-fold: treatment and success. But many times it comes hand-in-hand. This even more frustrates me that I am constantly judged for both.

I don’t think there’s much moral to this story due to the fact that my situation, and the situations of other successful women won’t change overnight. But I guess use this as a reminder of inequality and societal stigma that is sadly still ingrained even in this new generation of “activists” and “free thinkers”.

It costs nothing to be kind.

✌🏻

it’s not me.. it’s you.

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Here’s a little story that I dedicate to all the “Debbie Downers” out there.

Those who know even a little bit about me, know that I can be a hardcore, CAPITAL – B, bold, italic, underlined, BITCH. I cut people out of my life, I fight for what I believe is to be true << true is the key word here. But sometimes I just like to fight. I’ve made terrible decisions in my day, and have paid my dues many times over thanks to Karma. As people, we are not perfect. I have learned to accept this in others, yet it still baffles me why the majority are still hung up on this thing called perfection. You know “perfection” is a relative term right?

Anywhoo other things that people know about me is that I have anxiety and depression. It hinders many a day, and from April thru June, there were days I never even left my bed, aside from the one forceful pull out to get food because I didn’t really feel like causing my own sad death. One.meal.a.day, people.

One last fun thing to mention is that even if you’ve just had one awkward conversation with me, you’ll also know that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am loyal to a fault. And the best thing I do, is that I provide too much information too soon. I have factual evidence regarding this dating back to, at least, 2000/2001, lol. (one day I’ll write a story about that Filene’s break room conversation, thank you always, Patrick 😉 ) I just love learning about people and showing that I care. I love creating deep conversations, for the sake of learning, and to understand people better. More than anything, I never want others to feel that I am not being truthful so I try and give of myself as best I can.

Point is – with my good, there is my bad – or maybe it can be seen as, with my bad, there is my good. The funny thing about these “faults” of mine is that even through my darkest of days, my bitchiest of attitudes, I somehow have a feeling of realistic positivity. Some might say it’s a choice, I choose realistic positivity. So here’s the hilarious thing – more people can’t stand me when I’m positive (especially during “imperfect” times) vs when I’m negative. Misery really does love company. More so, I then get these people who think I have this perfect little life, see this post. Even more hilarious is when I do post some darker things, like anxiety, depression, emotional distress, and coping with loss, people then think I’m just looking for attention. I can’t win. Hence, it’s not Me, it’s YOU.

I almost always have a sense of realistic-positivity (almost, because again, I’m not perfect). But because I’m not an idiot, or I’d like to think I’m not at least, lol, I get that all positivity can’t come to fruition (realism 🙂 ), however, you can always choose to focus on the pieces that can.

Example: I am sick – I have been sick 3 times this year, and this recent one is going on about 6 weeks. I get sick because I have high stress. My stress turns into anxiety, and sometimes if I fall, it then becomes depression. I am on a bunch of meds at the moment, including an inhaler to try and get me better this time around. I was pretty down on myself Friday, and felt it even more yesterday. All I wanted to do was go to the beach and stare at the ocean before the world woke up. Little did I remember, there was a 10k race happening, roads were closed and parking was all taken. This made me even more sad. It wasn’t even 8am. 😦 I decided to just go to breakfast since I was out, that way I could also take my 7, yes SEVEN pills that I needed to take that morning.

I got home by about 9:30am. Honestly, I was frustrated. On a “bad day” I literally would have just gone back to bed and pout. But I told myself, “I can go tomorrow, I’ll get up even earlier and beat them all to the sand” (realistic-positivity). Since I was home, I decided to read a Class Action Settlement letter that I got in the mail while I was away on vacation. It was for a faulty part on my car and I realized I am part of it, and can submit a claim. I pull out all my invoices and realize that my shop did the SAME.EXACT.SERVICE in February AND recently in July. I was like: wha? I paid an extra 1k on this?! Was there a problem with the first one!? This made me upset – the day was already sad, was it getting worse? I called my shop half angry, yet half patient, to see what they would say. I was finally connected to one of the guys who I always deal with, and he found my two invoices. He apologized profusely and is refunding me the double charge. Because either way, if there was an issue, they never should have charged me twice. And I am still eligible for this claim, so in the end, I could get all my thousands back for the original replacement!

Kid you not, I hung up the phone, and started to laugh. I looked up at the cosmos and literally almost started to cry. My exact words to my sister-in-law were: “Seriously, this is such a weird emotional moment of depression and hope lol.”

But also seriously – This is what gratefulness and a little bit of positivity can get you. With every bad, dark day, we have a good day. With every terrible experience, we have an amazing one. It’s life’s balance. Because again, none of us are perfect. We make mistakes, we are mean sometimes, but we can also choose to be kind. We can choose to love, and we can choose to keep the light inside us through all our storms. Our imperfect moments may come around, but our “perfect” moments are close behind. I truly believe my small bout of hope and positivity helped with this karmic circle.

So call me crazy, call me obnoxious, call me whatever you please, but I would rather believe there is something better, a new beginning, if you will 😉 to look forward to – than to accept pain and suffering, or something as simple as assuming a whole day is ruined. All negativity does is keep us from enjoying fully the best moments we encounter because we are always waiting for the backhand.

But all you have to do is turn your head forward, and you’ll miss getting slapped. 😉

roses

Stay positive, my friends. It’s not easy, I understand, but it has a WAY better outcome than negativity. I have seen with my own eyes that what you give will always be what you receive. And with all the crap Iv’e dealt with the past few months, I’m just happy that my good energies seem to be making their way back to me.

 

❤

can I use expletives?

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Because I would love to.

I had a conversation with a co-worker just the other day, and almost blogged at that very moment. We were talking about the many “changes” I am going through, “updates” if you will. And he asked, “Why do you care so much about what other people think?!” (It was more a stern statement, like, “Kara, WTF”) Because I have kept most a secret.. hence all my phases and reveals lol. This in turn made me think of my most favorite quote:

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I know I’ve posted this before, and talked about it, but it is all too relevant. Because yes, this is why I keep things to myself sometimes – People ruin beautiful things.

And by “ruin beautiful things”, our conversation continued into the terrible-ness of society and how if we walked into the mall at that very moment in our suits, we would be treated WAY differently than our weekend clothes. We are judged. All The Time. This co-worker also owns a home, and when he first moved, he received questions from his neighbors of: “Oh who owns this property? Or blatant “Are you renting?” Low and behold the shocked faces when he states he owns it. Even worse, when they ask what he does for a living and he answers.. their expressions turn into “ooohhhh ok, makes sense.” MAKES SENSE?!

I rent, and I am 8 years older than said co-worker (but look 10 years younger, lol). So my question is, why is it that a 20-something yr old can’t own a home without having to explain how, or why? Why can’t people just understand that there are 20yr olds who started saving at 16 or even 45yr olds who may never be able to afford owning property at all?! You realize there are 7.5 BILLION people in this world. Another twist! I’ll bet you right now, you find millions 30yr old divorcee’s with NO CHILDREN. And more so millions of 18-20yr olds married with kids. So why does the “average” person make assumptions and judgements based on looks/age?

Why must we always have to explain ourselves? And why are there SO MANY discriminatory ideas of age!? I understand there are laws of the land, but these societal judgements have nothing to do with laws.. but more so media. It has been engrained in our minds that life is only “good” a certain way. Even these millennial/gen Z-ers who have coined the phrase “living my best life.” Are you though? Or are you just trying to blend in with the sheep?

People are so concerned with – Status-Quo – that they forget there are souls in each and every one of us. To use myself as an example, I look about about 10+ years younger than my actual age. Judgements against me go two ways:

  1. People are fascinated by the fact I look absurdly younger than my actual age. They see this as endearing, and that I take care of myself. I am also a fountain of knowledge, so until they realize my actual age, I’m just making 20yr olds look good lol. Also, I’ve only ever dated 2 guys older than me.
  2. I’ll be adulting.. like when I was buying a car, I was being treated like the 21yr old I look like. I had to be one of those people who are like.. LISTEN. I’M XX YEARS OLD. DON’T BS ME. Then attitudes change quick. From my job, to my age, attitudes always seem to change, for better or worse.

This is why I keep things to myself, because I’m tired of society judging me. I’m doing some things that, “don’t make sense”. Well hey, wanna know what’s better than Society’s Opinion?! MINE.

Honestly though, I feel bad for people who are actually in their 20s – I work with a lot of them. Because I can at least verify myself as NOT being one of them, to provide the “perception” that I’m not an idiot? Seriously.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!

Not that any of my words will change any of you reading this, but can we just take a step back every once in a while? Can we just see people for WHO THEY ARE?

For what their eyes say?

What their hearts feel?

What dreams they have, and values they hold on to?

Their actions?

I get we are in an electronic age, but lets start opening books again based on the story and words within the pages.. not the cover.

Remember what happens when we assume..?

 

❤

 

 

 

..

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

**wow, I started this almost two years ago.. and it is all still so relevant – especially the emotional distress lol, every few years.. so true!

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What does it really mean to give? To love?

Love is a constant topic on my blog. Mainly because I believe 90% of the population does not understand it, or they confuse it with some other emotion. I’m not sure where in my life this issue became such a focus and frustration to me, but I’ve had this feeling for a long time.

I have currently been experiencing another downward cycle of emotional distress. I understand myself fairly well, but every so often something happens inside me and I sort of snap. I cry for days, weeks even, and can’t control emotions. I know where it fuels from.. I have demons – don’t we all? But by nature I am a happy, realistically-positive person, which allows me to manage these dark emotions, but as mentioned, like all things, nothing lasts forever.. not even happiness. Thankfully, neither does distress, so I only encounter these, what I have so graciously coined as, the “darkest of times” periodically. It seems to happen every few years.. and usually its followed by some new energy that does one of two things: gets me in trouble, or sends me into an abyss of wild happiness.. or both, I guess.

I’m not there yet, not even close. I’m still milling in my brain why I’m not just filled with pancakes vs emotions. Emotions are tough, which brings me back to my initial sentence. To give.. to love..

Why has no one figured out that yes.. love is 1 Corinthians 13. It is all of it. Love is patient. Patience. The one virtue I swear almost everyone I know, including myself has a difficult time with.

<<end.old>>

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<<begin.new>>

Not exactly sure where I was going with this, but let’s go back to that last sentence – Why has no one figured out that Love is: 1 Corinthians 13? Because it’s tough. Like I said, emotions are tough. And for someone who throws down emotions like they’re bottomless mimosas on a Sunday morning, I can vouch the toughness.

I scare people. I frustrate people. I annoy people. A wonderful co-worker said it best: “Kara, your problem is that you give your all at the beginning of everything. And not many people can handle that.” << context here was relationships, but he was even talking normal friendships and work relationships. I do, I give everything right out the gates. I mean why not? Have you ever seen those parody commercials (I want to say it was for a credit card) where they caption, “Imagine if you were completely honest on a first date”. And it goes on with the girl who says, “I’m just here for a free dinner”, and the guy “I still live at home with my mother”. (or something like that)

See?! That isn’t a what-if for me.. it’s reality. Thankfully, I DON’T NEED NO MAN TO BUY ME DINNER, lol – So that piece would never happen to me. However, this is also why sometimes I’m quiet because I can’t think of the right things to say.

So I guess there’s part of my problem.. I def don’t think before I speak.. because everything for me is emotional, and my brain isn’t invited to the party.

Anyway, this is slowly coming back to the point of this pieced-together blog: What does it mean to give? To love? It means being uncomfortable. It means being vulnerable. It means being honest. Love is being patient. And what is Patience? It’s hard, thats what it is. But it also means making other people happy. Making yourself happy. Experiencing a state of euphoria that cannot be matched with any other experience. And for me, fulfilling my purpose to be of value to others.

My biggest downfall is that I take care of others before I take care of myself. But that is love – to give without expectation. << This leads me to a tiny note: theres that saying:

love hurts

The only thing I don’t quite agree with here, is the “cover up” part, but you see where I’m going here.. Love is NOT: sex, obsession, lust, crushes, infatuation, butterflies, sweaty palms, jealousy, I can go on..

If we can just remember that to Love and to Give are verbs, action words – then it should always be a reminder that it’s the people that you give to, you love.. that may be the issue. Not the giving of Love itself. How many of us have given or loved people who have not given the same in return!? Exactly. But giving and love are not about what you get in return. What’s that other quote?

“When you give and expect something in return, that is doing business not kindness”

There are a few variations of this that state love specifically, but you get the point.

To love and to give go hand-in-hand. So don’t be afraid to love, or feel in general. Just be patient, read all of 1 Corinthians 13, and remember that love and giving is about the act, not about the people.

cheers to love,

❤

 

stop listening

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

You know that saying:

ears

Yah, yah – we need to listen more than we talk.. and this is interesting really.. because it is a valid point to this post. I was going to dive into the idea that we need to STOP listening to others so much, and more of ourselves.. but this is a great point to note that people also need to STOP talking so much too.

mouthclosed

I guess with one truly comes the other.

I learned recently during what I like to call another “episode” of the Darkest of Times, and what a friend calls a “spring-crisis”, (or whatever season this seems to happen on) that for as much as I preach to myself to.. well.. listen to myself, I tend to take what others say more into consideration. And I’m not saying a second opinion isn’t worth it, but why are we always looking for that second opinion at all? Or worse, why are people giving us second opinions when we don’t want them? I know that when people care, they challenge us, to make us think outside ourselves or from a different perspective. And of course, I’m not saying that challenging an idea isn’t helpful either, but the people in our lives are supposed to support us. << Was that enough emphasis there? Lol.

And I understand that in supporting each other, we also need to challenge each other, however, many times we don’t realize, that sometimes people just need support. And to be listened to.

That’s it.

Sometimes an opinion is not what anyone is looking for. Many times, we already know the answer. Whether or not we want to act on those answers is another story.. but the point is, we know ourselves better than most. There may be a handful of people that border on “osmosis-through-the-brain” and may see things that we may have overlooked, but in the end, if we all sit in a dark room alone, we know or feel our truth.

I’m a feeler as we know (however creepy that may sound, lol) so the one thing I realized the past two weeks is that people kept providing me with logical answers. Answers from the brain, if you will. I’m not against my brain, but in my experience, when I have lived through my emotions vs my brain, I always end up happier.

My life-answers are always from the heart. My brain is only useful during actual logical situations.. like driving, following the rules of the road, work, professionalism, math, science. You get my drift. But at any time that matters of life are involved, for me, there is no truer way to live other than from your heart. Your instincts never let you down, even if you fall on your face. I’ve asked guys out, I’ve moved across the country, I’ve quit jobs, gone on last-minute road trips or flights to nowhere. So many of these emotion-driven decisions that resulted in some anxiety and stress, lol BUT ALSO c r a z y,  wonderful times ❤

And the crazy-wonderful is what I live for. I clearly have always figured it out. I can still feed myself, pay my rent, and clothe myself. But somewhere in the last two weeks, I thought it was better to use my brain than my heart. Sadly, and I guess, OBVI – it did not make me happy. I’m a giver, I’m a helper, I’m the worlds biggest supporter. I NEED to be there for people, even if they aren’t there for me. Does that make me crazy? I say no. It just makes the other people look bad. boom.

Long story, short. Stop listening.

Stop listening to the outside noises. Stop listening to your friends, your family, your co-workers. Yes, they are trying to help, and yes you can consider those ideas, but in the end, you are going to do whatever it is you will do anyway. So long as you accept those consequences – which I love, because that means I own my life – then live your best life for you.. and your heart.. and leave your brain on the kitchen table every now and then.

listentoyourheart

❤

 

priorities.

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Aside from my overly-optimistic mindset going into this new year, hilariously enough, this could be considered to NOT be one of my best years as of yet.

From a large addition to my workload in January, sickness when it was most inconvenient right after my vacation in February, then losing my grandmother at the end of Feb/early March, and down to the seriously painful fire of shin-splints, while trying to train for my first 10k. Which is in 5 weeks, mind you, and these shins are only allowing me to run 3days/week if I’m lucky. It’s like I can’t catch a break. Yet – when anyone asks.. I keep saying that considering my “small bumps” in the road, things are wonderful.

And really, I know several people who would hide in a hole if all these things happened at the same time – but I’m still – eh life is good. Lol.

Recently I think I have come full-circle on something though. And my “benefit-of-the-doubt” attitude struggles with this, but then again, I can only control myself when it comes to being “busy” or not “having time.”

I say this because someone who I think is wonderful keeps putting off plans. And as much as I know the time constraints of this particular person, I keep thinking of a time, far, far, away.. like last year, lol – when this happened with someone else.. and it fell into the idea below:

priority

I was not a priority.. and maybe this is happening again. BUT.. this full-circle..

I read, and re-read this, 1) because I love it, and 2) because this was happening to ME! And I wasn’t even noticing it! For me however, it was that I was focusing my attention to things I didn’t consider priorities. That last line pulls at my heart strings:

“Changing our language reminds us that time is a choice. If we don’t like how we’re spending an hour, we can choose differently.”

THIS. 

I was not doing things, because I “didn’t have time.” But in reality, I was not prioritizing properly. I let insignificant things get in the way.

Time. Is. A. Choice.

And this Easter weekend, whether it be the Lord’s rising or the Universe’s full moon, something came over me and I remembered what my priorities were. At least some of them. Like ice cream. For reals tho.

Anyway, as I was thoroughly enjoying myself, and making myself a priority this weekend, it brought me back to other people. Is this a situation of forgetting that time is a choice? Possibly. Or am I just not the priority after all? Maybe. I know last year that was the case. But if I have learned one thing in finance it’s that, “Past performance is no guarantee of future results.” And because I know all situations are relative, that comment is fairly accurate (generally speaking) in that your past does not control your future. Or it shouldn’t at least, because we can always make a new decision, change, beginning. Especially if the past involves a complete and separate entity than what is currently in the present/future.

So with all the static that has happened already in the first 3 months of 2018, the only thing that has made this year mediocre at best, was me forgetting my priorities. Otherwise, it’s still been amazing. Because with recent events, it forced me to take a step to the side, (we never go back people!) and stop for a second to remember who I am and what makes my heart happy. I started focusing on what I “used” to love. Or more like, what I have always loved.. but I just started making time for them again.

It all comes down to the idea that – to be your own priority is to never be someone else’s option.

Time. Is. A. Choice.

Choose wisely my friends.

Cheers!

old lady staus

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I’ve said this before, I’m a planner.

But the other day I was thinking.. WHY AM I LIKE THIS?!

There was a time, you know, where planning, to me, meant: Oh what are we doing RIGHT NOW?! Compared to my current need of wanting to control every minute of every day.

My thoughts continued.. I know where this comes from – all the consequences in my actions from the past. They have all caught up to me. So now I’m constantly bombarded with thoughts of “If, Then, What”.

Maybe this is a good thing. But in my old age – LMAO – there are still things I want to do that I shouldn’t be so worried about. Like, idk – living, loving, and being happy!?

I mean, I’m an Aquarian after all, free-spirit, gypsy wanderer.. Maybe that’s why I love the water so much.. because I’m an Air sign? Lol – but I AM the Water Bearer. I bear the water people. Water: giver-of-life, ever-changing and can either calm or destroy you. Muahahaha (lol)

A wonderful person I know once told me:

“..but the one thing I appreciated about you.. Your willingness to throw logic to the wind and go with your gut. I could never do it. But the world needs Kara’s.”

The world needs me! Well that me anyway ^^

Throw logic to the wind.. I do make decisions with my heart more than my brain that’s for sure.. Or, I feel like, I did. I mean do we remember 10/11/2012?!

Recently, however, I have found myself in more brain-space. Which again, isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but I honestly feel like I’m missing out on something greater that I could be sort-of chasing, if you will. Or maybe I’m just missing a piece of myself?

One thing is certain: I normally have a pretty good balance of emotion-to-brain ratio when it comes to life. I’ve had therapists, doctors, and other professionals tell me that I am very self-aware. This apparently is surprising to others. I understand why I do things, and because of this, I also have a very good understanding of others. I have great intuition on needs vs wants, and even when “mistakes” are made, I look at myself before I look at others.

I know my boundaries. Which is interesting because the one thing that seems to mystify even the bestest of friends, is when I know I’m doing something which may potentially hurt me, yet I always feel the need to push further for myself, until I am ready to let go (if there is any letting-go involved). And I don’t quite understand why that may be a bad thing.. I know my limits, and I learn from my mistakes more than making them again. But that’s it there – mistakes. I also know and remember the feeling of those mistakes. And it’s in never wanting to experience some of those again that I think has kept me here in this “safe” brain space.

Why am I even blogging about this? I have no clue – maybe I just needed to get something out. Express an emotion I can’t quite explain, but can you really explain an emotion? You just feel it.

And I have this feeling I have been thinking too much. Lol.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ll still be stimulating my mind with wonderful things, still using a planner, and also making sure I don’t jump into the deep-end without my floaties. But I want to start making some decisions again from my heart, my gut, my inner being. I’m tired of being afraid of what tomorrow may do to me. I miss that little gypsy heart of mine.. and I want to wander a bit.

After my recent travels, I keep finding myself in conversations about more exploration and more adventures – new experiences, near and far. For the first time in a long time, I have a free and open heart to add to my free and open spirit. Those combined can only lead to amazing things – or trouble, lol 😉

Those of you out there who live these in-the-moment lives, I take advice and recommendations to heart. I want to travel alone, learn to love without expectation, and find something new about life everyday. Share your wisdom! And maybe I’ll have better stories/posts to share. lol

“You’ll never be able to escape from your heart. So it is better to listen to what it has to say.” – Paul Coelho

❤

I wish you all #9

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

As some of you may know, I just came back from an enlightening trip to the Philippines. This was my first international trip, and I’ll be blogging specifically about that, hopefully soon.

During lunch today with a dear friend, however, I was re-living all my experiences and explaining all that I had seen. There are many, many things that I took away from this trip, and as we were immersed in conversation, per usual, the conversation turned to relationships. And by “relationships” I mean we discussed all types: friendship, societal expectations, family, and of course, romantic. It was, and still is difficult to explain properly in words all I experienced, but in terms of relationships, especially being “officially, officially” single for months now, (I finally let go after months of emotional suicide) there was sort of a fire re-ignited inside me about where I am and where I am going.. #hopelessromantic

While on vacation, I was in the midst of several conversations about relationships. In addition, I was able to observe a whole new culture of relationships. And coincidentally, on one of the last days, I was sifting through my FB looking over all the posts I was tagged in – and fell into my About Me page.. totally forgot about that.. like, does anyone have stuff filled out in there anymore? Apparently I do! Within this About Me page, there is a Quotes section in which I found this:

“from a blog titled: 10 Decisions that Change Your Life
#9. When you love who you actually love. I know it’s a simple observation, but one day it just hit me that people aren’t always together because they love each other. There are a thousand different reasons people get (and stay) together and some of them can be the farthest thing from love. If this is your truth, change it. Go love who you actually love. If you don’t know who that is yet, keep living, they will come.”

I don’t know why, but this hit me like that rock in shallow water that blew up my ankle on day 2 of vacation. Lol – Anyway, in terms of romantic relationships, I’m there. Or should I say, I’m STILL there. And honestly, if I look back far enough, I think I blogged about this in the past also. This is clearly a reoccurring theme in our society, (as that blog was posted in 2013 and it still rings true today) and I’m sure in most personal lives, not just mine. The funny thing this time, is that this gave me an, almost inappropriate, wave of hope. In life there are cycles, good and bad, good and bad.. but when it comes to matters of the heart, we for some reason refuse, or more so have a difficult time, removing the “bad”. We choose to hold on mainly because of fear of the unknown (which I point out later in this post). I remember being partially annoyed when I first read this back in 2013, because I kept seeing/hearing so many people complain about their relationships (which still happens today, of course) and when I would challenge them, it always came back to some strange conversation of: “I can’t find anyone else”, “I hate being single”, “But we’ve been together x amount of years”, or worse, “I have kids” (and this is not specific to married people btw).

The kid one, though, hurts my soul constantly. Probably because I come from divorced parents. And maybe I was just a super smart 2yr old, but I learned my parents were happier without each other, and thats all that mattered. There were no more fights. We were more a family separated than together. Like, you think your kids are thrilled when they see the two people who are supposed to be in love argue, bicker, and fight? How is that a healthy representation for your children to learn love? Instead they grow up with a sense of cynicism rather than understanding that patience, and not settling for anything less than happiness, is what they should strive for. What if your child was in your relationship? Would you want your daughter or son to be cheated on? Would you want your child to fight with their spouse/significant other on a daily basis and watch their unhappiness? Who wants that!? I don’t even want that for my friends, never mind loved ones.

On top of that, I learned a lot of life lessons. I learned that sometimes things just don’t work out, sometimes you make bad decisions, sometimes we just aren’t patient enough to wait for the right person because society pressures you, sometimes the person you love doesn’t love you back. And sometimes, it’s just that you realize it’s not a fairytale – and that’s ok, because in some instances, with patience, understanding, and communication, you can create or even re-invent your own story of love and happiness.

 

  • side note – I understand that with relationships it’s not black & white, and there are a multitude of things we can dig into: past and present personal issues, struggles, communication, and even love languages, to help some people love and continue to love. But my focus here is the generalization of how people get into and stay in relationships without love to begin with, and to challenge and question: WHY!?

 

And I mean, lets be real, the divorce rate is a clear representation that people get and stay together for many reasons other than love. Maybe it’s not so much of a bad thing after all – because so many people end up finding their “true love” in later years. But imagine if we all were just a little more patient.. we could have found that person earlier perhaps, and spent more wonderful years together.

I, myself, am also a wonderful divorcé – and maybe it’s because I went head-first into fear that I learned what real love is. Because that’s all it is essentially – FEAR. We are all afraid of being alone so we settle. We are even afraid because, WHAT IF IT DOESN’T WORK OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE?! << Funny how that is a fear, yet many times we are dealing with something that isn’t working out! But that last line in that post: “If you don’t know who that is yet, keep living, they will come.” They will! The problem is patience with timing.  If some of us just waited another day, another year or two, or three even, we could be with that love. We could have that story, and it may even resemble a fairytale.

So, my friends, I wish you #9 – and if you get a chance, click the link and check out the rest of the blog post – it’s a nice quick read and a wonderful reminder that although we may not have control over life, we can control ourselves, and how we react to it.

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” -Lao-Tzu

Love and be loved, my friends.

❤

 

i want ice cream..

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Why..

Why is it there are times when we just don’t feel adequate. And I say feel – 1) because I’m naturally an emotional person, and 2) because it IS just a feeling, isn’t it?

I look in the mirror and I think I’m one of the most beautiful people in this world. My friends think I’m weird because when I cry, I always think thats when I’m the most beautiful. Not because it’s sad and sort of deep moment, but because my eyelashes stay up! amiright?! And if there is one thing I consider my favorite thing about myself it’s my eyes. And they are just an ordinary middle-range brown, but I don’t know, I just love them. They always seem to sparkle in the sun.

We should all think like this of ourselves right? Then why is it, the minute I leave my mirror, or my personal sense of self, and I look around me.. I all of a sudden sink? Why?

What is it about other people, or societal expectations, that can get inside you? And this is coming from a person who refuses to live by anything related to society – and yet, there are moments where I feel the strain, especially when it comes to my sense of self.

I literally went from confidently-tired from being busy at work, to that sort of depressive tired.. and I know y’all know what I’m talking about. Like I just wanted to go eat a pizza garnished with ice cream, and go to bed. Thankfully in my old age – lol – or really just practice and experience, I have learned to not fall into that hole as often. I went to Starbucks, got a salad and a bag of chips, and studied for about an hour and a half.

But then I got home. And I played CandyCrush for like another hour 😐

Ugh. It was just a sunken moment of not wanting to feel or think. I almost felt like I couldn’t stop playing that stupid game because it kept me preoccupied and my mind numb. Just dizzying pieces of candy to take away this gross feeling of not being enough. Where it came from I have no idea, but it happens every so often. Iv’e even asked my bestie for help one other time it happened, asking: “How, when you feel good about yourself, how do you keep that momentum all day/week/month/LIFE?!” Her response: “I guess just try not to get caught up in all the external shit that happens, and makes you feel like you’re not enough.”

That external shit. Thats what I’m talkin about. Go away!

Anyway, I looked at myself in the mirror after that lame ass, sort-of-personally-embarrassing-to-admit-hour of CandyCrush. And you know what I saw? My eyeballs. I thought to myself, there you are, you beautiful unicorn.. Now if I could only find a way to bubble-wrap this feeling and keep me safe from the outside world..

 

❤