Tag: emotion

i love elephants, and theres one in the room

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Its name is 2020. Need I say more?

Well, I’m gonna! Lol

I was thinking this morning and chatting with my roommate about the past year, and we discussed not only how crazy this year has been.. But more so, how much can change, in so “little” time. By little, I mean anything from 1 month, to an entire year. And yes, a year is a small amount of time in the big picture of life. As I approach 30-10 (yes I will use this for as long as I can, and be annoying about it and I don’t care, bc I am not part of those people above 39) One year seems so small now – I’ve started looking at life in, like, 5 year increments. Point is, we talked about last year – and the beginning of this year (before pandemic lockdowns) and we reminisced about when I moved in, in April. Literally within a month, I searched for a new home, got denied for my current place because someone was already getting background checked, then getting a call that it fell through, and the place is mine after all!

Fast forward and here we are, 7 months later, and I can’t believe it’s almost been a year. On top of life events, we also talked about relationships.. And as we approach another new year, I realized I have not done the same thing, or spent time with the same people 2 years in a row for New Years. I literally looked back at my socials and checked every New Years I celebrated since moving to SoCal, and the closest I got to spending time, or celebrating with the same people would be 2014 and 2016 (I think? I cant remember anymore, all I remember was there was a year gap in between) I spent New Years with one of my cousins and that group of friends. Then again 2018 and 2020, I celebrated with friends and one friend in particular was there both years. But even then, both events were very different and the people involved were even more different, aside from the one familiar face.

I don’t know if this is the same for all you reading, but my life in particular, clearly revolves around meeting new people all the time, creating new connections, friendships, and sadly weaning out those who no longer keep my soul on fire.

I even think back to a particular Birthday of a wonderful person, who I no longer really connect with anymore.. but I spent about $200 if I remember correctly, on this person for her Birthday. She never had a Spa/Massage experience, and I wanted to give that gift of experience for her. Some people thought I was a little crazy as I had only known this person maybe a year at this point, but we had gown closer the past couple months – and I distinctly remember saying something along the lines of: You never know what is going to happen tomorrow, I may never celebrate another Birthday with her again, so I’m taking advantage of time now, and just the mere fact that I can afford such gift, because THAT could be the change in coming years as well.

I also remember the faces of the people I said this to. I wish we could be constantly reminded of that idea, because literally within 3 months of that Birthday, I broke up with a mutual friend I was dating, tension arose, and then a separate issue of mis-communication happened.. and here we are no longer close, lol.

As I was thinking about these events this morning within my roommate chat, I somehow got so excited for tomorrow, I actually started to tear up. Because as much as the unknown scares me.. i.e. this is why I’m still single, (bc the thought of losing someone in a blink of an eye is scarier than knowing it could be forever) I ABSOLUTELY LOVE the idea and fact that anything is possible tomorrow.

And I know I have blogged about this in the past – but I think with all that has happened this year.. the excitement, and hope, and faith in the future is just emotional for me right now. Maybe because I just want to manifest so much for myself and those I love. Maybe because I’ve felt lonely for the first time, in a LONG time, and knowing the possibilities are endless in meeting new people or even reuniting with people from days before. And not that I’m saying going back to exes is ever a good idea, but truth be told, I have a handful of “loves lost” that are very good friends, and it’s wild to think back to the person I was then vs the person I am today.

That’s the thing with connections.. they are just THERE. You can’t quite explain it, the same way as when there ISN’T a connection. And sometimes, as we have read in all the clichéd quotes, sometimes, you meet people for a reason, a season, and whatever else comes next.. but you get my point.

As I start to think about how to close out this random-ass post, that I just decided to do because: 1) its literally been almost a year since my last post, and 2) we are headed into the season of giving and gratefulness – I guess I want to make sure ya’ll get something out of this.

So long story, a little longer – as I was looking at the past year, it was also a bit upsetting. This time last year, I was invited to go to Bali. This time last year I was booking hotel and airfare to Boston for one of my most favorite peoples wedding. 90% of 2019 was an adventure and I finally felt like I was learning who I was. I had posts going into December, then January (Birthday Season!), about how busy 2020 was already turning out to be. I planned a small Birthday outing because Europe 2020 was supposed to be the plan for the 30-10 celebration. Everything was cancelling from that point on.

But on a recent zoom meeting at work, first question was: how are you feeling? One of the next questions was about how to improve culture, and one of my favorite people made me rethink the year. She said (and I paraphrase here): Although its been a tough year, there was still SO MUCH good. We had people making babies, having babies, getting married, buying homes, getting engaged – and that was just people from work!

I thought about this personally, I ALSO had friends having babies, buying land and building homes, and making huge moves like I did at 31 to another state to see what else is out there in the world. There was good, lots of it. It was just hidden by the loud screams of society. And by screams, I mean the non-factual, negative, shouting from many different sides on many different issues. When it comes to important issues, its one thing to debate, argue even.. FACTS – but its another to just yell opinions with no basis of truth. If you know anything about me – I love facts! I love truth. Because whether we like it or not, facts and truths allow people to make decisions. And its nothing we can challenge. This is also why I love emotions – dem betches don’t lie.

Moving on, point of that last story share, is that all these small details, I assume are the reason for this newfound hope and optimism. Because there is still good no matter how bad anything seems. And to bridge all these points, its the people that help bring us there.

Look at who is around you, what’s that saying? You are who your closest 5 friends are.. (or whatever) Who are those people!? Are they good support systems? Do they challenge you? Is there anyone you have learned from? Should you reach out to them again if they fell of your life wagon? Is there someone you need to push OFF the wagon?! Are there people fueling your fire? Or are they stealing your heat to improve their own flame and leave you cold?

As we close out one of the most turbulent years most of us have ever experienced, remember its been proven that people and community are what keeps people happy and provide longevity. This is a great time, if you don’t already, to revisit wants and needs – and the people behind them. Because again, the only constant in life is change. And as scary as that is for me – mainly my fear of losing people – I do truly feel so good about what’s to come because life can change in a millisecond. I am choosing to view that as a positive, and I hope y’all absorb that energy in whatever aspect of your life needs it.

I will now leave you with my screenshot below where my message transcends people and describes all aspects of life, work, hobbies, etc.. ❤ Can’t wait for more of those conversations.

Cheers!

the most wonderful time of the year

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

It’s Birthdayyy Seasonnn! 🙂

I’m sure you newbies are wondering why the heck I enjoy ticking off another year of life off the tick-sheet, like it’s some kind of CELEBRATION?! Lmaooo well, another year, another New Beginning.

Birthday Season to me, as I know it is for others, is a time of reflection. Where were you this time last year? Where are you now? And not for anything, it doesn’t matter what happened or what you did. And this sounds cray coming from someone whose sole purpose in life is to travel and experience ALL THE THINGS. And I am so pumped of all the traveling and experiences I did/had the past year.

But what it really comes down to is.. Did you learn anything? About yourself, about others, about life? Anything? Did you at least learn what a good cup of coffee tastes like? Point is, I had a year of ups and downs almost as perfect as the dictionary can describe either action.

I started the first part of the year traveling, experiencing, feeling so free and determined, found passions in things, motivated to find a career with purpose. I struggled with a hint of heartache around May.. Then June happened.

Another loss in the family in the past 16mo. I didn’t talk about it much to you “outsiders” lol, but if you know anything about my family dynamic you understand. Losing my Nana last year was harder than ever expected, and this year was difficult in a different way. After having to be emotionally strong for others, I was off again traveling and experiencing things with no time to absorb the internal stress that was created. I know, white people problems, #sorrynotsorry.

Then mid-July came. I had already been struggling since June and been in therapy more than ever. That trip back “home” in June really took me to a place internally I never thought I’d have to deal with again. The resentment, anger, pain, other words that can’t nearly explain the emotional vomit that came flooding my insides. Through all this, I was still breaking my own heart thinking I could love someone enough to have them love me back (I know this is unrealistic and pathetic, stop judging). I shut my phone off for 2 weeks because the anxiety of seeing other people’s lives was actually painful.

Oh and the drinking – hahahaha I promise I don’t love drinking as much as I actually consumed during the summer months.

Depression set in. I barely got out of bed, except to drink, and work. Y’all are lucky if I showered. I was a complete and utter mess. Now mind you, I still trudged through life with a smile on my face, and did the only thing I know to do that makes me feel good. Give to others. Pep-talk? I’m there! Ride to the airport #obvi (I mean, I LOVE doing this anyway lol, lets be honest) Concert tickets? LETS DOOO THISSSS. Plane tickets?! I’ve given awayyyyy worseee.

And then fall and winter happened, and here we are! Lol, I know thats a huge zip through, but these past couple months started bringing the year into perspective.

I LEARNED:

1) It’s ok to not have a “good year” even though you still had MANY good things happen.

2) That although losses are difficult, whether in life, friendships, or relationships, those people and moments brought you here, and gave you understanding of something new.

3) People really do come and go as you need them. This pains my heart because I wish I could keep you all! But holding on too tight to anything: ropes, steering wheels, dog leashes, emotions.. lol, starts hurting more than letting go.

This is why I love Birthday Season, and join it with why I live by quotes – Someone, somewhere, has a way to put your emotions to words when you can’t.

They say (whoever they are) that “birthdays are good for your health.. people with more of them live longer.”

Sorry, lame joke, but for reals. This is why every year, every day, every moment, matters. We don’t know when our last day will be. All we know is now. So if you get another Birthday, CELEBRATE dammit! Hehehe

Reflect, learn, and be better. Not sure if you know this, but life isn’t a competition. What only matters is where each of us are going, and where our own paths lead us. Maybe thats why I love running, the only time to beat is what I ran last time. Me, my time.

Me, my life. You, your life.

Thankfully though, some of us will help and motivate each other through the next year. I love cheering at races and finish lines! I cry all sorts of happy tears, lol.

Be kind, celebrate yourselves, be present, and if you can, love, xoxo.

Cheers!

ghost of everyday pasts (unedited)

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

The holidays bring about many emotions. One in particular is, I mean, not unhealthy necessarily, but is one reason many people get depressed: Nostalgia.

Now don’t get me wrong, being nostalgic is wonderful in many cases, it reminds you of good times, times you often forget about in childhood, wonderful traditions that bring a warm fuzzy feeling.. But what people tend to forget when you blast yourself into the past is, that you’re not there anymore. I know that seems a little obvious, but this is something I realized more this year than any other year.

I read somewhere once, something along the lines of: It’s ok to feel.. immerse yourself in the emotion, then let it go, do not dwell, do not live there.

The holidays, however, we try and live there. And I mean, this can go all year long really, with any moment that triggers a memory, but the holidays we just feel more. It’s an emotional time in general. You remember times that you will never have again, people who have left, and warmth that never seems to feel as warm.

This by no means is a problem, hence, nostalgia.. but remember not to dwell, or linger, or live there. So many times we fall into the memory hole and forget the blessings in front of you. And thats not to say discount your feelings of the past, but for some reason, generally speaking, people are so fascinated by what happened yesterday, 3 years ago, or even when we were 2. I know I may have written about this concept before that: if you focus on yesterday, how will you make new friends, meet your soulmate, have babies even?! Those moments are now. Things are happening all the time, every second of every day.

I know there are fears of forgetting people, or even ourselves.. being afraid that once we leave this world our impact will be forgotten. The spirit of anyone who has lived any sort of life, lives on in what we do in their memory. Their impact on us is what lives on. My Nana, for example, I was missing her more than I ever expected recently. I’ll say the reason is because my anxiety was real bad this year. She was the one person in my life, from what I’ll always remember, that no matter how terrible we thought life was, and I mean, I remember when I was younger complaining about everything under the sun, from stupid boys, to high school angst.. and even when I got divorced and I was embarrassed at myself, and thought I was a miserable human being, she was always the person who would acknowledge the pain, the problem, but then remind me that I was stronger than any of those things. Her cup always runneth over, and she would always say things like, “well there’s nothing you can do about it now,” and “you’ll find something better,” or “I never worry about my Kara because she always figures it out.” Another was, “my Kara, always doing wonderful things,” lol. And all of that is paraphrasing obvi, because, it’s the past, we physically can’t remember every detail of every moment, so I’m sure I missed a lot in those conversations. And this is why we can’t live there, in the past, because even what we do remember is never 100% accurate. (Why live in a lieeee lol you get my point)

Anyway, I chose to keep that goodness in me and spread the same sort of ideals as she did. Now, is my execution as good as what I remember of Nana? Probably not, or maybe it’s better? I have no real way of knowing, but those moments impacted me enough to know that the way we view things can really affect how we react to them. And just as the fact of, “there’s nothing you can do about it now,” is so true about anything, even moments as recent as a minute ago. So just as Nana tried to instill in us that today is a new day, and tomorrow can even be better, that lives on, at least in me (to new beginnings!!). And if I make any sort of impact on others, that spirit continues on.

So bringing this full circle, when you find yourself lingering in moments that no longer spark joy, or even ones that do, remember that even good memories are selective, and come back and see what’s in front of you. Life comes in waves, and the things that no longer serve you, or even things that are just no longer relevant, always come back in some way. Let them pass, feel them flow through, all the good, all the bad, remember not to dwell, do not live there. Because before you know it, you’re either under water, or trying to swim back to shore. Just let it flow through, and enjoy the beautiful view that is in front of you.

In the spirit of the the holidays, stay present, my friends ❤

wheres miranda when i need her (unedited)

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Sex & the City – Season 2 Episode 10

One of my absolute favorite episodes because it truly explains how women are (many times) punished for their success. I know I’ve blogged about this concept before, but in the midst of Tswift’s The Man, and just my recent experiences, I was compelled to write about another sleeve of this double standard.

I go to a local bar.. it’s my very own Cheers.. everyone knows my name. I tip well, and have made some.. acquaintances, if you will. What fascinates me though, is even though I tip rather well (20-50% depending on the day) I do not get the same respect or treatment as male regulars. And mind you, I’ve been, and still am, a regular at many places, but this place in particular, I notice the difference.

Maybe because the type of bar it is? Maybe because the the traffic that comes through? I don’t know, but what I DO know is, when it’s busy I am patient and understanding, and I don’t let the busyness deter me from tipping well or taking it personal. But I also always notice other regulars who frequent this place.. almost all of whom are male.. are still always taken care of in a timely manner.

Now, don’t get me wrong.. women are different personality-wise by nature.. but is that any reason to take advantage of those qualities? I know for a fact I make the same, if not more, than many of those men who frequent this place, but yet, my dollar is undermined by the fact that I’m a female. Even by female staff no less!

Why does society hate successful women? Why must I BE understanding if I’m served after a man? Even fellow women can’t stand successful women! *face_palm* No one questions the man who shows up every night to have a cocktail and sits at the bar for a few hours, yet I receive looks and questions of why I’m there so often. This then turns into “jokes” which in turn just shows that women aren’t allowed to “act” like men.

HOW ABOUT WE JUST ACT LIKE PEOPLE. PEOPLE WHO HAVE STRESSFUL JOBS THAT MAKE THEM WANT TO DRINK.

I understand this post is slightly 2-fold: treatment and success. But many times it comes hand-in-hand. This even more frustrates me that I am constantly judged for both.

I don’t think there’s much moral to this story due to the fact that my situation, and the situations of other successful women won’t change overnight. But I guess use this as a reminder of inequality and societal stigma that is sadly still ingrained even in this new generation of “activists” and “free thinkers”.

It costs nothing to be kind.

✌🏻

can I use expletives?

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Because I would love to.

I had a conversation with a co-worker just the other day, and almost blogged at that very moment. We were talking about the many “changes” I am going through, “updates” if you will. And he asked, “Why do you care so much about what other people think?!” (It was more a stern statement, like, “Kara, WTF”) Because I have kept most a secret.. hence all my phases and reveals lol. This in turn made me think of my most favorite quote:

IMG_5513

I know I’ve posted this before, and talked about it, but it is all too relevant. Because yes, this is why I keep things to myself sometimes – People ruin beautiful things.

And by “ruin beautiful things”, our conversation continued into the terrible-ness of society and how if we walked into the mall at that very moment in our suits, we would be treated WAY differently than our weekend clothes. We are judged. All The Time. This co-worker also owns a home, and when he first moved, he received questions from his neighbors of: “Oh who owns this property? Or blatant “Are you renting?” Low and behold the shocked faces when he states he owns it. Even worse, when they ask what he does for a living and he answers.. their expressions turn into “ooohhhh ok, makes sense.” MAKES SENSE?!

I rent, and I am 8 years older than said co-worker (but look 10 years younger, lol). So my question is, why is it that a 20-something yr old can’t own a home without having to explain how, or why? Why can’t people just understand that there are 20yr olds who started saving at 16 or even 45yr olds who may never be able to afford owning property at all?! You realize there are 7.5 BILLION people in this world. Another twist! I’ll bet you right now, you find millions 30yr old divorcee’s with NO CHILDREN. And more so millions of 18-20yr olds married with kids. So why does the “average” person make assumptions and judgements based on looks/age?

Why must we always have to explain ourselves? And why are there SO MANY discriminatory ideas of age!? I understand there are laws of the land, but these societal judgements have nothing to do with laws.. but more so media. It has been engrained in our minds that life is only “good” a certain way. Even these millennial/gen Z-ers who have coined the phrase “living my best life.” Are you though? Or are you just trying to blend in with the sheep?

People are so concerned with – Status-Quo – that they forget there are souls in each and every one of us. To use myself as an example, I look about about 10+ years younger than my actual age. Judgements against me go two ways:

  1. People are fascinated by the fact I look absurdly younger than my actual age. They see this as endearing, and that I take care of myself. I am also a fountain of knowledge, so until they realize my actual age, I’m just making 20yr olds look good lol. Also, I’ve only ever dated 2 guys older than me.
  2. I’ll be adulting.. like when I was buying a car, I was being treated like the 21yr old I look like. I had to be one of those people who are like.. LISTEN. I’M XX YEARS OLD. DON’T BS ME. Then attitudes change quick. From my job, to my age, attitudes always seem to change, for better or worse.

This is why I keep things to myself, because I’m tired of society judging me. I’m doing some things that, “don’t make sense”. Well hey, wanna know what’s better than Society’s Opinion?! MINE.

Honestly though, I feel bad for people who are actually in their 20s – I work with a lot of them. Because I can at least verify myself as NOT being one of them, to provide the “perception” that I’m not an idiot? Seriously.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!

Not that any of my words will change any of you reading this, but can we just take a step back every once in a while? Can we just see people for WHO THEY ARE?

For what their eyes say?

What their hearts feel?

What dreams they have, and values they hold on to?

Their actions?

I get we are in an electronic age, but lets start opening books again based on the story and words within the pages.. not the cover.

Remember what happens when we assume..?

 

❤

 

 

 

available

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

(quote disclaimer – there are a few in this post. lol)

Why am I always available?

And by available, it’s more of a “making time” situation. The small amount of people I actually like, when any of them need me, I am always “available”.

calendarfriend

This ^^ I am the friend who never consults a calendar. Because people are more important than calendars. Time is only meaningful when you spend it properly. But why is it, that it’s only me who lives this way? I have wonderful, wonderful friends. People that, I don’t know how I could live without. People who have added value, meaning, or even just good company. Yet these same people never seem to be available when I need them. I either get no responses, or the usual “I’m busy.” But turn this around, and I am changing plans, picking up my phone, and getting the next possible second to give to these people. And I’m sure there’s a few of you who question: Who are these terrible friends? Or want to comment plainly: Find new friends.

Trust me, I have questioned and commented a few times to myself. And the hilarious part about this is, these same people wonder why I eventually lose it and sort of explode emotionally. And THEN it’s all: “What happened? Why are you so emotional? I’m sorry, I don’t understand.” I don’t want sorry – what I needed, was someone a week ago to talk things out with, you know, sort of what I do in return?! So that moments like this, don’t happen.

And to be honest, I have been told my friend “expectations” are a little high. The thing is, I don’t expect anything. It’s more an assumption (which I guess is just as bad) that the Golden Rule exists with people who matter most to you: Treat others as you want to be treated.

If I treated some people the way they treat me, i.e. as the rule states, how they “want” to be treated, I’d have no friends.

2744215-Jewel-Quote-Excuse-me-guess-I-ve-mistaken-you-for-somebody-else

Is that it maybe? I treat people assuming they are like me and can give me the same in return. But that’s why I am me, and you are you. So maybe that’s an expectation? I’m breaking my own rules. I do have to be better with understanding that people are not like me, and that’s what makes me wonderful. But at the same time, it’s a struggle emotionally to feel as loved as I make others feel.

weseethemasweare

And there it is, closure to this post. In the end, we see things the way we are. We see people how we want to see them. And we need to remember that reality is better than expectation.. or assumption even. And when we accept things as they are, it leads to better relationships and understanding all around.

I know I shouldn’t see people as I am, and this is why I’m still friends with people who don’t give me all that I need. At the same time, it leads me on a mission to find someone who can give me what I give in return. Is my emotional dopplegänger out there?! I don’t want to believe that I am the only giver-without-expectation person in the world. There must be more.. or we really do have a lot to worry about in the future.

❤

old lady staus

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I’ve said this before, I’m a planner.

But the other day I was thinking.. WHY AM I LIKE THIS?!

There was a time, you know, where planning, to me, meant: Oh what are we doing RIGHT NOW?! Compared to my current need of wanting to control every minute of every day.

My thoughts continued.. I know where this comes from – all the consequences in my actions from the past. They have all caught up to me. So now I’m constantly bombarded with thoughts of “If, Then, What”.

Maybe this is a good thing. But in my old age – LMAO – there are still things I want to do that I shouldn’t be so worried about. Like, idk – living, loving, and being happy!?

I mean, I’m an Aquarian after all, free-spirit, gypsy wanderer.. Maybe that’s why I love the water so much.. because I’m an Air sign? Lol – but I AM the Water Bearer. I bear the water people. Water: giver-of-life, ever-changing and can either calm or destroy you. Muahahaha (lol)

A wonderful person I know once told me:

“..but the one thing I appreciated about you.. Your willingness to throw logic to the wind and go with your gut. I could never do it. But the world needs Kara’s.”

The world needs me! Well that me anyway ^^

Throw logic to the wind.. I do make decisions with my heart more than my brain that’s for sure.. Or, I feel like, I did. I mean do we remember 10/11/2012?!

Recently, however, I have found myself in more brain-space. Which again, isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but I honestly feel like I’m missing out on something greater that I could be sort-of chasing, if you will. Or maybe I’m just missing a piece of myself?

One thing is certain: I normally have a pretty good balance of emotion-to-brain ratio when it comes to life. I’ve had therapists, doctors, and other professionals tell me that I am very self-aware. This apparently is surprising to others. I understand why I do things, and because of this, I also have a very good understanding of others. I have great intuition on needs vs wants, and even when “mistakes” are made, I look at myself before I look at others.

I know my boundaries. Which is interesting because the one thing that seems to mystify even the bestest of friends, is when I know I’m doing something which may potentially hurt me, yet I always feel the need to push further for myself, until I am ready to let go (if there is any letting-go involved). And I don’t quite understand why that may be a bad thing.. I know my limits, and I learn from my mistakes more than making them again. But that’s it there – mistakes. I also know and remember the feeling of those mistakes. And it’s in never wanting to experience some of those again that I think has kept me here in this “safe” brain space.

Why am I even blogging about this? I have no clue – maybe I just needed to get something out. Express an emotion I can’t quite explain, but can you really explain an emotion? You just feel it.

And I have this feeling I have been thinking too much. Lol.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ll still be stimulating my mind with wonderful things, still using a planner, and also making sure I don’t jump into the deep-end without my floaties. But I want to start making some decisions again from my heart, my gut, my inner being. I’m tired of being afraid of what tomorrow may do to me. I miss that little gypsy heart of mine.. and I want to wander a bit.

After my recent travels, I keep finding myself in conversations about more exploration and more adventures – new experiences, near and far. For the first time in a long time, I have a free and open heart to add to my free and open spirit. Those combined can only lead to amazing things – or trouble, lol 😉

Those of you out there who live these in-the-moment lives, I take advice and recommendations to heart. I want to travel alone, learn to love without expectation, and find something new about life everyday. Share your wisdom! And maybe I’ll have better stories/posts to share. lol

“You’ll never be able to escape from your heart. So it is better to listen to what it has to say.” – Paul Coelho

❤

mush.

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

That’s exactly how my brain feels this week..

I had forgotten my study materials at work this afternoon, and so to my frustration of not being able to study (I mean how SAD is that?! I was upset about NOT studying!? sheesh) I decided to head into the internet hands first! with a glass of wine in one of them, of course..

And with hesitation (since it had been so long) I came back onto my wordpress page. Whoa. I mean, this might not mean much to others, but man, was I absolutely SHOCKED to see that people had still been.. reading..!? I have not written in probably over 4 months.. although I’ve had an itch to.. but ‘life happened’.

And it was a great life I might add.. I got a new job.. which is where 90% of my time at the moment has been immersed into. You see, I have these awesome exams I need to take in order to hold licenses. And boy, let me tell you! Licensing exams are just a bucket o’ fun! {insert sarcasm here} Especially when they run between 3-6hr long (depending on the license). I’m currently studying for my 2nd, and hopefully final, exam for a while..

Anyway, this job literally has changed my life. I can’t say I love it however, one day I may.. and I know that sounds crazy because you are thinking.. wtf?! how can this change your life and you NOT love it!? Explanation: This job allows me to do the things I love.. and things I have never been able to do. It has made me more grateful that I ever thought I could be. I know it’s kept me from my writing, which is definitely something that I love, but with most things comes sacrifice.. and that usually doesn’t last long. Like studying.

This job has provided me the opportunity to do things I never thought I could.. like buy a friend dinner without counting my pennies. or buying a second pair of theatre tickets because me and my friend are sort of idiots and showed up at the wrong show time.. AND not even being upset about it. Better yet, buying a plane ticket to visit my brother and his farm of 4 kiddos without even flinching! (I haven’t seen them in 2 years!) And I know money does not solve world problems, it doesn’t even solve all of mine. Mind you, I’m no millionaire.. I can’t even say I’m thousand-aire status.. but the little I have compliments the humble lifestyle I live, and in turn, provides me opportunities that I never had before.

Second, and more importantly.. the reason I can’t say I love this job. I don’t love it, I appreciate it. It requires me to work on things I struggle in. So, when my natural talents emerge they are more prominent than my opportunities, and in turn, makes me realize how much better of a person I can be.

Even my health habits. When I am stressed, I am in the no-fun-zone. I stress eat.. and with stress eating, comes bad eating habits.. with bad eating habits come de-motivation.. and so on. I went running for the first time in 4 months this past weekend. Man did it hurt. I was sore for two days. And I loved it. I was partially sad too, just at the fact that I had allowed myself to let it go this far. But again, it made me realize I could be better.. It made me appreciate the hard work I put into myself the past year and motivated me to find better solutions to combatting stress.

You see.. this is life’s paradox: you become grateful and more appreciative of things when you have them less, or they are taken away. I never understood why.. why can’t we be grateful everyday? but its something I think no one can understand. And it’s the little things. Like writing for me. I had this awful feeling like I was letting my journal down the minute I realized how long it had been since I last scribbled a pen in it. But the minute I can’t study for the second largest exam of my career (eek!) I head straight back to my happy place. (It’s a strange balance that is difficult to find.. needs/wants.)

And just like I mentioned in the beginning of this post, I almost shed a tear seeing that people were still reading, even though my head was in books the past 4 months trying to absorb more knowledge in fields that do not come natural to me. I appreciated every single reader.. I even said “Thank you” when I looked at the past months and saw that there were still interested parties out there. To those little things I thank this job.

Once all this studying is over and I’m back to running 2 days a week, yoga 3, and volleyball on the weekends (or any sort of combination really 😉 ) and back to me-time at the cafe with my laptop, journal and cappuccino.. I hope I start to love my job. Everything is still fairly new.. but I hope I eventually end up where I am meant to be.

No matter what.. I’m just happy that it’s still the little things that keep me thankful, grateful, and appreciative of of all the good.. and even the stressful.

 

Cheers!

a beautiful mess.

~ NewBeginnings ~ 1 Comment

I don’t know if I’ve ever blogged about this, but..

I am a beautiful  m e s s.

I’ve been that way all my life. I live to please people. I am the positive spark that keeps motivation alive. I am the clever sarcasm that allows laughter to break through walls. I am the friend who will let you in.. or answer my phone.. at 2am if you are lost or stranded. I am a giver. I give more than I have many times, and compensate by living moderately.

Although I don’t always believe it, I have been blessed with beauty. My eyes, they always shine. They glitter with happiness. There isn’t an ounce of me that won’t, for one second, try and make you laugh.. even in my most miserable of days. I am honest. Almost to a fault.. hahahaha 😉 I always see both sides to a story. I believe in the impossible.

This is where it gets messy. I am so positive, so shining, so focused on keeping other emotions alive, so expected to be this way.. that there are days, weeks even.. this one in particular, where every vulnerability, every fear, every bit of insecurity bursts out every pore. The tears fighting.. and I mean  f i g h t i n g  to stay in my little eyeballs. Tears people. Tears that only about 5 people in my life have ever seen. 5.

And honestly it partially angers me. Because you would think that someone of my nature who does nothing but smile, and can make a joke about the ‘darkest of days’, could have more people around when my emotions have hiccups. Instead what I get are awkward moments of confusion. I’m serious. It’s strange.

People ask the required, “Are you ok? I’m here to talk about it if you want.” And I know deep down these sad souls have no clue what they are talking about, because the minute an emotion surfaces, the conversation quickly turns to something more generic like work, or weekend plans. Why.. why ask at all? If you can’t handle me being normal, then just allow me to continue my routine that I am so very well versed in. Because I get it. I can barely handle myself too in these moments. But I guess it’s a double-edged sword. With no expression of emotion at the time of the emotion.. it builds.. and hence becomes me, right now. An over-emotional-beautiful-mess.  Literal emotional vomit.

Knowing this has made me cynical of those who are the same way.. Engaging and positive, happy and glowing all the time. I assume they are hiding something deep. In most cases, it’s true. There are many people like me, because there is just no physical way to constantly be emotionally perfect. Everyone needs an outlet or an explosion.

So why then? Why must we play these charades? Why can’t people handle emotion? If we just dealt with them we would probably love each other more because we would see who we actually are. Which might explain the 3 friends I have. They allow me to be vulnerable.

My apologies that this has just turned into a mini rant.. which I guess exemplifies the ‘mess’ in my beautiful. But for those who can empathize, can we try and break down those barriers?! It would surely make my life much easier.

And for those who only expect my beautiful I say: Don’t ask me questions if you don’t want the answer.. and in turn, don’t question my charade when its you, who in fact, can’t handle the real.

The end.

writing has feelings too.

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Writing. It is such a powerful thing to be able to do. It provides new ideas, explains situations, tells a story, and in some instances, inflicts emotion.

Emotion: n. A state of feeling. A conscious mental reaction subjectively experienced as strong feeling usually directed toward a specific object and typically accompanied by physiological and behavioral changes in the body.

Emotion is a crazy thing. It allows you to feel out a situation and express yourself. Emotion can change your perspective on life, it can even make or break you. It is the very aspect of our being that allows us to connect to others.

Now.. writing and emotion.. this is a tricky thing. As stated, in some instances writing can inflict emotion.. however, unless you are reading a very well written novel, you can’t find proper expressions of emotion. Classic novels aside, lets talk about everyday writing. Like this blog, it is difficult to see exactly how a writer feels from their words. Even some novels, (which is why I stated ‘some instances’) one cannot tell the emotion from the writer. In this entire post for example, I could be sitting here laughing hysterically reading out the definition of Emotion, over enunciating certain words, and making a mockery of my ideas.. Even with as many emojis 🙂 , underlines, italics, bold letters, or even bold italic underlines, expressing emotion through writing is difficult. You can’t hear tone, you can’t see a facial expression. And that is what emotion is.. ‘a strong feeling.. typically accompanied by behavioral changes in the body.’

So in all our Facebook statues, all our tweets, and all the blogs we read.. all we have in interpreting writing from someone, is our knowledge of them. It’s knowing what they sound like, knowing their tone, knowing facial expressions, eyebrow raises, smirks.. Without that, the perception idea comes back to mind.. writing becomes part of the world of assumptions. We have to remember that what we think the emotions are of what someone writes, may not be what the writer intended, or even what other people are thinking. And not to throw this into a 3rd dimension again, but what we respond with is also under the same discretion since those who do not know us will read without knowing how we feel. They are just words on a screen. I have seen many internet fights because of this, even on my own pages. I myself have had to reach out to the people who know me to remind them that other people will not understand my ideas, never mind their comments, so to be prepared for back lash..

And then I bring myself down to reality and think.. ‘It doesn’t matter what these people think of my words.. they don’t know me!’ But it does matter. Why?! Because even people who know me best still mis-interpret my words.. because again, they still can’t see me. They sometimes can’t determine if I’m serious, or sarcastic. I have to literally say ‘I’m serious.’ Now those situations are not common, but even still, it makes me think of the people I don’t know very well that I am getting to know now. Especially here, in what some people like to call LALA Land.. where drama is hiding behind every corner.. the entertainment and media industry focusing on every word, spoken, sung, or written.. I sometimes forget these people do not know me yet.. They’ve only tasted the icing.. and I’m a whole lot of cake!

Maybe it’s because I am in a new world, with little connections, as well as being recently single.. that I am more aware of what my messages interpret as. I can’t stand having to explain myself.. so I try to be more careful. But in all our writings, whether it be Facebook, twitter, texting, messaging.. remember that all the emoji in the world won’t be able to express your actual emotion. I don’t think its anything we can change, or fix..(unless we all just start posting video of ourselves) we can just be aware of it.

So, if I offend anyone, or give off the impression that I’m interested.. NO. No, I’m not sorry. You just don’t know me and there is not much I can do about interpretations of my written word. I can do my best, but it will never be perfect to everyone. But maybe, just maybe, one day everyone will be able to know and experience the honest-fun-enthusiastic-craziness that is Posh.. Maybe. And then all the critics can suck it.

“Those who know, don’t talk. And those who talk, don’t know.” -@CoffeeCocktail