I have such a hard time with people who don’t have the capacity to empathize with others, in this particular instance, I’m talking about mental illness. I don’t expect anyone to completely understand how this feels (unless they go through it themselves, of course, but even then, how it happens is different to everyone, and the outcomes are also different) but I always hope that the people around me are conscious enough to stay away from the obligatory: “But today is good right?” “Have you tried..” And the worse of them all, “It’s gonna be ok.”

Not that people in my situation don’t know that things will eventually be ok, but that does not help the situation if someone is currently in a struggle. You have no idea how much I appreciate people who don’t try and give me advice, or try and  “fix” my issues. Because no one can fix them, it’s a mental thing! I am the holder of my thoughts, and it is I, who is the one who can “fix” anything, if there is anything that needs fixing, that is. But to those who listen, and talk through things, and share experiences themselves, no matter how relatable or not.. THOSE are my people. In life, we will never be able to save everyone, I learned that the hard way. But we can support, and accept, and LISTEN.

It took me a long time to realize that no one could “help” me. I kept thinking a boyfriend, or my friends, my Dr’s, my Therapist, were there to make this better and “fix” it. It was, not scary per say, but maybe.. no, it was a little scary, lol, but also enlightening to know I was the holder of my emotions, and that no one but myself can make me “better”. Not that others can’t help in other ways, but to assume an outside being was going to “save” me, that’s just pure cray, cray.

A wonderful person in my life talked me through and reminded me of all the good that happened this year because I was focusing so much on the downside, as this was a very difficult year emotionally. Lots of therapy, lots of anxiety, lots of depression, lots of loneliness. I did appreciate the talk, but also didn’t know how to vocalize that I know I am overly blessed. I know all the good, all the travel and amazing trips I went on this year, all the moments with my babies and watching them grow. Trust me, I know. I experienced them, I was there, lol. But thats the thing with mental illness, it pokes at the positives. I literally feel like I have a devil and an angel on my shoulders. There are days I have literally yelled (in my brain and even vocally) NOT TODAY SATAN!!

Over the weekend, I had another, lets call it.. episode. Doing something completely normal no less, and what I would consider an ideal situation. I was doing laundry on Saturday, and was pumped to find the laundromat empty with only about 3 people doing laundry. YES! Two of them were finishing up, and I had the place just about to myself.

When I started finishing up, the last person there had gone off, and it was wonderful and quiet, I live for these laundry days! UNTIL, out of nowhere, I became panicked. Any other day this moment was a moment of celebration, so I was yelling at my brain like, “The fuck bruh, why you stressin?!” And in the moments following, I had the biggest bout of anxiety with a fear that someone was going to come and try and steal me (for those who know anything about me, this is a normal, yet strange, fear of mine, lol – but it has never really created panic, its just been a thing I know about myself).

Anyway, I started rushing, kept breathing, focusing on my breath, I could feel my heart beating, I kept telling myself I’m fine.. and then RAN OUT OF THERE.

This, people, this is a snippet of what anxiety is all about. It is unexplainable to the masses, and many people think you’re cray. Like how do you explain this completely irrational moment to someone without feeling like an idiot?! Because I know the emotion is ridiculous, but I can’t always control it. And when things like this happen, I feel bad for myself, and sometimes end up in depression. I could barely get out of bed the next 38hrs. I do try and force myself out, to do an errand or two, but always end up home, and feeling trapped.

The night of this incident, I unexpectedly caught up with an old friend from college, and he said to me: “Wow, I never thought you had issues or anxiety over anything, you’re always so positive.” I laughed and said, “Yah, I’m that PSA where they say it’s “always the happy one, the funny one, the positive one.” But he actually had a hard time grasping that I, the positive one could feel and understand his issues so well. I never said this, but wanted to say, “Well, THAT’S HOW I understand so much!”

This blog has turned from emotional venting, to relationship venting, (those posts always make me smile, lol) to dealing with anxiety. I guess it makes a little sense because life evolves, and just as this blog was intended, every moment of our lives is a new beginning, so it only makes sense that content also evolves.

But one thing will never change: Every moment literally is a New Beginning. And just like every moment of crippling anxiety, I have to remind myself, tomorrow can be, and will be different. This is why New Years is just a reason to party for me. So many times in life has a New Beginning not come on January 1st. Moving to SoCal is one of those moments, getting a new job is another. We don’t wait around and start our lives in January, so why the build up?

Anyway, I digress.. point of today was to share a story, to help maybe provide some more insight in the world of what people like me go through. Maybe this helps someone who thinks they are equally cray, I gotchu.

In a world trying to grow a culture of acceptance, remember those who do not show their illnesses, those who are embarrassed of their “problems”, those who don’t know how to explain what is going on. Be kind, be supportive, and sometimes, just be there.

Stay kind my friends, xoxo

❤