Tag: decisions

i love elephants, and theres one in the room

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Its name is 2020. Need I say more?

Well, I’m gonna! Lol

I was thinking this morning and chatting with my roommate about the past year, and we discussed not only how crazy this year has been.. But more so, how much can change, in so “little” time. By little, I mean anything from 1 month, to an entire year. And yes, a year is a small amount of time in the big picture of life. As I approach 30-10 (yes I will use this for as long as I can, and be annoying about it and I don’t care, bc I am not part of those people above 39) One year seems so small now – I’ve started looking at life in, like, 5 year increments. Point is, we talked about last year – and the beginning of this year (before pandemic lockdowns) and we reminisced about when I moved in, in April. Literally within a month, I searched for a new home, got denied for my current place because someone was already getting background checked, then getting a call that it fell through, and the place is mine after all!

Fast forward and here we are, 7 months later, and I can’t believe it’s almost been a year. On top of life events, we also talked about relationships.. And as we approach another new year, I realized I have not done the same thing, or spent time with the same people 2 years in a row for New Years. I literally looked back at my socials and checked every New Years I celebrated since moving to SoCal, and the closest I got to spending time, or celebrating with the same people would be 2014 and 2016 (I think? I cant remember anymore, all I remember was there was a year gap in between) I spent New Years with one of my cousins and that group of friends. Then again 2018 and 2020, I celebrated with friends and one friend in particular was there both years. But even then, both events were very different and the people involved were even more different, aside from the one familiar face.

I don’t know if this is the same for all you reading, but my life in particular, clearly revolves around meeting new people all the time, creating new connections, friendships, and sadly weaning out those who no longer keep my soul on fire.

I even think back to a particular Birthday of a wonderful person, who I no longer really connect with anymore.. but I spent about $200 if I remember correctly, on this person for her Birthday. She never had a Spa/Massage experience, and I wanted to give that gift of experience for her. Some people thought I was a little crazy as I had only known this person maybe a year at this point, but we had gown closer the past couple months – and I distinctly remember saying something along the lines of: You never know what is going to happen tomorrow, I may never celebrate another Birthday with her again, so I’m taking advantage of time now, and just the mere fact that I can afford such gift, because THAT could be the change in coming years as well.

I also remember the faces of the people I said this to. I wish we could be constantly reminded of that idea, because literally within 3 months of that Birthday, I broke up with a mutual friend I was dating, tension arose, and then a separate issue of mis-communication happened.. and here we are no longer close, lol.

As I was thinking about these events this morning within my roommate chat, I somehow got so excited for tomorrow, I actually started to tear up. Because as much as the unknown scares me.. i.e. this is why I’m still single, (bc the thought of losing someone in a blink of an eye is scarier than knowing it could be forever) I ABSOLUTELY LOVE the idea and fact that anything is possible tomorrow.

And I know I have blogged about this in the past – but I think with all that has happened this year.. the excitement, and hope, and faith in the future is just emotional for me right now. Maybe because I just want to manifest so much for myself and those I love. Maybe because I’ve felt lonely for the first time, in a LONG time, and knowing the possibilities are endless in meeting new people or even reuniting with people from days before. And not that I’m saying going back to exes is ever a good idea, but truth be told, I have a handful of “loves lost” that are very good friends, and it’s wild to think back to the person I was then vs the person I am today.

That’s the thing with connections.. they are just THERE. You can’t quite explain it, the same way as when there ISN’T a connection. And sometimes, as we have read in all the clichéd quotes, sometimes, you meet people for a reason, a season, and whatever else comes next.. but you get my point.

As I start to think about how to close out this random-ass post, that I just decided to do because: 1) its literally been almost a year since my last post, and 2) we are headed into the season of giving and gratefulness – I guess I want to make sure ya’ll get something out of this.

So long story, a little longer – as I was looking at the past year, it was also a bit upsetting. This time last year, I was invited to go to Bali. This time last year I was booking hotel and airfare to Boston for one of my most favorite peoples wedding. 90% of 2019 was an adventure and I finally felt like I was learning who I was. I had posts going into December, then January (Birthday Season!), about how busy 2020 was already turning out to be. I planned a small Birthday outing because Europe 2020 was supposed to be the plan for the 30-10 celebration. Everything was cancelling from that point on.

But on a recent zoom meeting at work, first question was: how are you feeling? One of the next questions was about how to improve culture, and one of my favorite people made me rethink the year. She said (and I paraphrase here): Although its been a tough year, there was still SO MUCH good. We had people making babies, having babies, getting married, buying homes, getting engaged – and that was just people from work!

I thought about this personally, I ALSO had friends having babies, buying land and building homes, and making huge moves like I did at 31 to another state to see what else is out there in the world. There was good, lots of it. It was just hidden by the loud screams of society. And by screams, I mean the non-factual, negative, shouting from many different sides on many different issues. When it comes to important issues, its one thing to debate, argue even.. FACTS – but its another to just yell opinions with no basis of truth. If you know anything about me – I love facts! I love truth. Because whether we like it or not, facts and truths allow people to make decisions. And its nothing we can challenge. This is also why I love emotions – dem betches don’t lie.

Moving on, point of that last story share, is that all these small details, I assume are the reason for this newfound hope and optimism. Because there is still good no matter how bad anything seems. And to bridge all these points, its the people that help bring us there.

Look at who is around you, what’s that saying? You are who your closest 5 friends are.. (or whatever) Who are those people!? Are they good support systems? Do they challenge you? Is there anyone you have learned from? Should you reach out to them again if they fell of your life wagon? Is there someone you need to push OFF the wagon?! Are there people fueling your fire? Or are they stealing your heat to improve their own flame and leave you cold?

As we close out one of the most turbulent years most of us have ever experienced, remember its been proven that people and community are what keeps people happy and provide longevity. This is a great time, if you don’t already, to revisit wants and needs – and the people behind them. Because again, the only constant in life is change. And as scary as that is for me – mainly my fear of losing people – I do truly feel so good about what’s to come because life can change in a millisecond. I am choosing to view that as a positive, and I hope y’all absorb that energy in whatever aspect of your life needs it.

I will now leave you with my screenshot below where my message transcends people and describes all aspects of life, work, hobbies, etc.. ❤ Can’t wait for more of those conversations.

Cheers!

deja vu.. like 100 times

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Well hello there!

Here we are again.. yup, you guessed it! Birthday MONTH! 🙂

I always seem to resurface this time of year.. if not now, usually around the New Year.. then make my way back right around February.. aka – Birthday time. I know its a little repetitive, and probably somewhat annoying, but no matter how often I blog about life, Birthdays (yup the word should always be capitalized), and being grateful for both, I’m constantly finding myself having this conversation with people who have already heard it and have, say, “forgotten”.

Biggest pet-peeve (after liars): People who say they “hate” their Birthdays or “don’t like them”.

Ok fine. And not to sound harsh here, but hey, there’s always the alternative (cliche much?). But seriously, if that’s what you would have preferred the past year, or years even, is to die vs being graced with another year of wisdom, age, and knowledge – then well then I’m just a jerk for making you see any gratitude in having a day of birth at all.

And what I seem to find is, most people who “don’t like” their Birthdays, are normally the ones who aren’t living their lives to their potential, or expectation – and see growing “older” as just another day closer to having aching bones and wheelchairs.

You see this is where I want to slap all of these people.. with words of course. Hehe.

Because age means nothing.. that number you are so focused on? It just describes how long you have been blessed on this planet. It does not define who you are, and what you can or cannot do. It does not define your dreams and aspirations. There are 80yr olds running marathons.. and 21yr olds killing themselves on prescription drugs. I know those are extremes.. but really where would you prefer to land? Somewhere in the middle I’m sure.. but I’ll tell you what.. I’d love to be that 80yr running just a 5K! My point is, aside from major issues that physically and mentally deprive a person, i.e. dementia, certain stages of cancer, losing a limb (which even still doesn’t hold some people back!) the only thing that creates an “old age” mentality is yourself. You choose whether or not you want to join a book club, focus on your career goals, life goals, join a running club, yoga class, jump out of airplanes.. whatever. YOU make YOURSELF OLD, not the number of years you’ve been alive.

Seriously.

And to be clear, I’m not making anyone enjoy or celebrate their Birthday as much as I do. I’m just trying to explain that by saying you don’t “like” the day you were born – shows not only a choice of non-motivation to age gracefully, but also a level of ungratefulness. And some of you out there may be saying.. “Now hooold on a minute.. I didn’t SAY I was ungrateful!” Oh you didn’t? Well let’s just look at this logically here.. I can understand how we can sometimes be grateful for things we “don’t like” like say – coffee, or my bed, or friends, and being alive. Oh wait I LIKE ALL THOSE THINGS.

Ok so then.. I’m not grateful for liars, or traffic, or death. Oh wait.. I DON’T like all those things! Point is, it’s difficult to be grateful and not like something that you’re grateful for. Ok, so maybe sometimes I’m grateful for traffic because I was able to finish a really good song on the radio, or it kept me from a car accident.. I don’t really “like” the traffic per say, but I like what it has given me and am grateful for the song, or the non-accident.

So looking at this in a broader, still logical sense – to be grateful for life doesn’t mean you have to “like” Birthday’s – but yet the whole purpose of the Birthday was to GIVE you life. Just like the whole “purpose” of that traffic (if you believe in the Universe or God) was to keep you safe from an accident and let you listen to something that makes you happy. So in essence you sort of “didn’t mind” that traffic because, in this simple instance,  your song was playing.

That’s where we need to be people – have a sense of “I don’t mind my Birthday, because I am grateful to have made it another year” vs “I hate” or ” I don’t like”. Because if you value Life at all – it only makes sense to value how you got here in the first place.

Another pet-peeve: When people use death as a “reminder” to be grateful for life.

I know this sounds a little harsh again, but shouldn’t LIFE be your reminder every day that you are alive?! Why must we wait until we lose something to be grateful? Why are so many of us incapable to find magic, and value, and gratefulness in our everyday lives? How about changing that perspective, especially on a bad day, to “Today royally sucked, but I am grateful I at least woke up this morning, and was able to tell ____ I love them. Or even “Ugh I’m sick today, but I’m grateful for sick-days because at least I don’t have to work today and can catch up on my Netflix shows”. Or more so, I’ve been having health issues but I am grateful I have a great Dr. and a great support system (friends/family) to help me in recovery or to battle this”. See what I did there?! Turned obvious life issues into something we can be grateful for.

And I understand tragedy exists and evil. I am a realist – an optimistic realist to be exact. I know and understand, and even sometimes expect bad or the negative side of things to happen. However, I keep faith and hope that the “good” side prevails. Does that always happen? Of course not – but it definitely provides a more positive way to look at any situation.

Find reminders everyday to be grateful for LIFE. Then hopefully, If/when a bad thing happens, or you experience loss, it’s not that you didn’t know it was coming.. but you have learned to grieve and move on – in essence, understanding the loss and being sad (because we are still human), but being grateful that you were able to enjoy the time you had vs feeling like every good moment has been taken away. Because you can’t “take away” moments, you know, they are always with you <3.

 

So here’s to another amazing Birthday Season where I look back, pause, and then look  forward. To see where I have been, where I am, and where I aspire to go. Never to hang out too long in any of those ideas though, because as we know, time is of the essence and we never know when tomorrow is our last tomorrow. Celebrate what’s in front of you, and celebrate LIFE.

 

Cheers!

 

 

where is my passport?!

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Wholly mollies saturday! Car is ready to be traded in – clearly haven’t gone through my trunk since it went cross-country :/ , now i just have to buy a car!

Laundry done, donation drop off at Salvation Army done, wild search for my old passport that brought me into old memory boxes full of hysterical things plus old journals.. (passport not found 😦 ) done.. but going through these had me realize that I have lived (and am still living apparently..) a very amazingly heart wrenching, yet incredibly interesting, and crazy life.

I have been saving things since high school and writing in a journal since the 6th grade.. and I am still boy-crazy, a fool for love, never satisfied, looking for new adventures, and in the darkest of times.. which sadly there seem to be many of those.. I am strangely overly positive and optimistic. This last characteristic surprised me honestly, because I am very much a realist. 99.9% of the time look at both sides of a situation before determining a thought or reaction to feeling. So yes, this surprised me. Another thing to point out there is that I seemed to have many sad, dark times.. But again, in reading my vintage words, I also have never been so hopeful for tomorrow.

This sort of hit home.. literally, because I am home! (bahaha my version of a joke) but for real.. because I am currently sliding into a valley in this life of hills. It brought to light how, even throughout the ups and downs, I am for some reason disgustingly grateful for my life. I’m serious. I know there are people out there who think my life is perfect and “shut up about being blessed and grateful already Kara, gah!” And when I have troubling times I swear people think it’s just like a #whitepeopleproblems moment.

But like all people I have a dark side. I have skeletons, and just because I find a way to control them does not mean I don’t feel them or deal with them daily. I’m just happy that for whatever reason, my hidden positivity comes out when I need it most. Although I wish it was out more than just that, but I guess the realist in me doesn’t find sense in that either.

So here’s to a productive and meaningful Saturday.. in the obscene SoCal heat.. where I can now pretty much smell my sweaty self.. (WHY MUST IT BE SO HOT?! IT’S SEPTEMBER! #sweatingballs) Looks like a shower is in my near future.. and a decision on my afternoon activities.. And also.. where IS that damn passport?! 😦

Cheers!

is 1 really the loneliest number?

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

About a week ago on the infamous FB, I posted something along the lines of :

“why is it when I want to be alone, there’s always someone asking to do stuff.. then when I want to hang out with people.. no one is around! 😐 #gah #oppositesattract #boredpost”

And this idea got me thinking.. When this sort of thing happens.. and I feel like its been happening more frequent lately.. is it the universe trying to tell me something? Do I need this time to be alone and reflect? Do laundry? Read? Find life’s purpose? Anything!? Because sometimes we need alone time and I get that. And sometimes maybe we need it forced on us because life can be a constant GO.. and we lose track of.. well.. life. I definitely enjoy it when I need it. Whether it’s yoga at 8am, breakfast by myself, or reading & writing time at the cafe.. lets be honest.. I even enjoy alone time at the cafe just merely surfing the web and following up on Facebook and Pinterest :p Point is, does the universe ‘force’ this type of thing on us because there is something we are missing and maybe need to notice? I don’t know, but I will definitely re-think those ‘where is everyone?!’ moments and evaluate.

The other thought that came to mind was.. ‘Ok, if I’m not supposed to have alone time, is this a sign to re-evaluate the people that surround me?’ This idea resonated more when I was in the midst of a 2hr late-night conversation with a dear friend of mine who I would literally pay $470 to fly 5hrs.. across the country.. just to attend a party for one night.. (literally still ironing out the details there!) Anyway, as we were chatting, we talked about how relationships change, and how sometimes our perceptions of some relationships also change. And we talked about my FB post and mentioned what I wrote in the first sentence of this paragraph – should I re-evaluate the people around me? Because the thought behind this is.. if this is some sort of new trend occurring more frequently then usual, maybe it isn’t me.. maybe it’s the company I don’t keep. Because the coincidence of me being unavailable or another person being unavailable is normal and understanding.. but to have several people coincidentally unavailable while I am just chillin’ by myself is, well, interesting.

So again, I’m not quite sure which way I am falling.. However I will say this – In the recent incidences of this happening I utilized my time for added alone-ness and life reflection and questions of self-improvement.. but I have also reconsidered my feelings for a handful of people in my life. Life is a constant change – good, bad, and indifferent – although each of those many will argue are based on perception.. I feel all change is good in some way. Whether we see is now or later, whether it hurts or massages the soul.. being able to walk through a new door/day can never be bad.

So yes, per usual, I will look at both sides.. and well maybe, that was the point of this all along. Maybe this has been happening more frequent because I need to do both. There are a million sayings about people that come into your life.. you cross paths for many reasons.. and many aren’t meant for forever, but just for a purpose.. whether to learn something or whatever.. One thing I definitely got out of that 2rh late-night conversation was that whatever the reason.. one thing is true, we all just want to be happy. And to be happy, we need to create happy surroundings.. whether it’s your work, your hobbies, yourself, and/or your people.

cheers!

mush.

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

That’s exactly how my brain feels this week..

I had forgotten my study materials at work this afternoon, and so to my frustration of not being able to study (I mean how SAD is that?! I was upset about NOT studying!? sheesh) I decided to head into the internet hands first! with a glass of wine in one of them, of course..

And with hesitation (since it had been so long) I came back onto my wordpress page. Whoa. I mean, this might not mean much to others, but man, was I absolutely SHOCKED to see that people had still been.. reading..!? I have not written in probably over 4 months.. although I’ve had an itch to.. but ‘life happened’.

And it was a great life I might add.. I got a new job.. which is where 90% of my time at the moment has been immersed into. You see, I have these awesome exams I need to take in order to hold licenses. And boy, let me tell you! Licensing exams are just a bucket o’ fun! {insert sarcasm here} Especially when they run between 3-6hr long (depending on the license). I’m currently studying for my 2nd, and hopefully final, exam for a while..

Anyway, this job literally has changed my life. I can’t say I love it however, one day I may.. and I know that sounds crazy because you are thinking.. wtf?! how can this change your life and you NOT love it!? Explanation: This job allows me to do the things I love.. and things I have never been able to do. It has made me more grateful that I ever thought I could be. I know it’s kept me from my writing, which is definitely something that I love, but with most things comes sacrifice.. and that usually doesn’t last long. Like studying.

This job has provided me the opportunity to do things I never thought I could.. like buy a friend dinner without counting my pennies. or buying a second pair of theatre tickets because me and my friend are sort of idiots and showed up at the wrong show time.. AND not even being upset about it. Better yet, buying a plane ticket to visit my brother and his farm of 4 kiddos without even flinching! (I haven’t seen them in 2 years!) And I know money does not solve world problems, it doesn’t even solve all of mine. Mind you, I’m no millionaire.. I can’t even say I’m thousand-aire status.. but the little I have compliments the humble lifestyle I live, and in turn, provides me opportunities that I never had before.

Second, and more importantly.. the reason I can’t say I love this job. I don’t love it, I appreciate it. It requires me to work on things I struggle in. So, when my natural talents emerge they are more prominent than my opportunities, and in turn, makes me realize how much better of a person I can be.

Even my health habits. When I am stressed, I am in the no-fun-zone. I stress eat.. and with stress eating, comes bad eating habits.. with bad eating habits come de-motivation.. and so on. I went running for the first time in 4 months this past weekend. Man did it hurt. I was sore for two days. And I loved it. I was partially sad too, just at the fact that I had allowed myself to let it go this far. But again, it made me realize I could be better.. It made me appreciate the hard work I put into myself the past year and motivated me to find better solutions to combatting stress.

You see.. this is life’s paradox: you become grateful and more appreciative of things when you have them less, or they are taken away. I never understood why.. why can’t we be grateful everyday? but its something I think no one can understand. And it’s the little things. Like writing for me. I had this awful feeling like I was letting my journal down the minute I realized how long it had been since I last scribbled a pen in it. But the minute I can’t study for the second largest exam of my career (eek!) I head straight back to my happy place. (It’s a strange balance that is difficult to find.. needs/wants.)

And just like I mentioned in the beginning of this post, I almost shed a tear seeing that people were still reading, even though my head was in books the past 4 months trying to absorb more knowledge in fields that do not come natural to me. I appreciated every single reader.. I even said “Thank you” when I looked at the past months and saw that there were still interested parties out there. To those little things I thank this job.

Once all this studying is over and I’m back to running 2 days a week, yoga 3, and volleyball on the weekends (or any sort of combination really 😉 ) and back to me-time at the cafe with my laptop, journal and cappuccino.. I hope I start to love my job. Everything is still fairly new.. but I hope I eventually end up where I am meant to be.

No matter what.. I’m just happy that it’s still the little things that keep me thankful, grateful, and appreciative of of all the good.. and even the stressful.

 

Cheers!

back to the drawing board.

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

i literally just erased this entire post about 30 minutes ago.

i realized, one: i like typing in lowercase, hehe.. and two: i keep these drafts that are meant to be finished at the time of emotion.. yet they just sit in my queue. the universe must be telling me something. ive noticed that when i stretch and stretch out thoughts.. the main idea tends to get lost. i start focusing on my grammar more than my thought.

knowing this.. i decided to just type up a recap of this last post that i meant to publish, and just explain the angst inside me as simple as possible.

Ahem.. So.. after 11 months of being away, I took a trip back East.. visited some peeps, went on a few adventures.. had the BEST.BREAKFAST.EVER, but missed my bestest waitress 😦 I felt comfort in the city and lost in the woods. I realized within two days that this was no longer “home”. I then realized days later on the plane back West.. that one: I have been struggling with this idea of “home” for a while, and two: there were now only about 3 people that I could still call family.

This trip was a great learning experience. Most people found my explanation of my trip rather strange.. not understanding my confusion with feelings. You see I thought, as most of the people who know me thought, that I would land in Boston, breathe in the air, have a cannoli.. then drive up into the woods and relish in all its greenery.. and one changing leaf.

But that didn’t happen. I mean, I was very happy to see people.. some more than others, of course.. it’s always about the people. However, there was something weird and unsettling about it all. In all the familiarity and comfort, it’s like I no longer belonged. And maybe this was just a taste of my own medicine. Because for 18 of the 18yrs I lived in New England.. all I talked about was moving back West. I was always a SoCal girl to many.. I was a SoCal girl at heart.

SoCal was where I fell in love with the ocean, where I learned to play volleyball at the age of 9. Where I grew up learning from my father that I could do whatever I wanted as long as I worked hard enough.. and don’t let anyone tell me otherwise because I was a girl (you got it dad! 🙂 ).

But New England.. New England is where my love for the ocean grew, and where I was given the opportunity to play volleyball through college. It’s where I saw first hand that it is hard work that you needed to succeed. It’s like SoCal was the idea, and New England was the blueprint (for simplicity’s sake we’ll call it a plan).. and now full circle.. I am on to the execution stage.

It’s funny too, because thats exactly how I feel. Like I am taking two pieces of life and trying to make them fit together. And they can’t. Because plans come from ideas.. and you cant execute anything without a plan.

So instead of trying to figure out what “home” is, I am trying to find comfort in knowing that I love both places in different ways, and more important, both places are a piece of me.. whether I like it or not. One is the spark, the other the flame.

I just need to focus on loving the ideas I love, and re-evaluating the plans I don’t love.. to keep working on the execution.

ode to family..

~ NewBeginnings ~ 2 Comments

It’s funny how the one place I wanted to leave for so long is now the only place I want to be right now.

For almost a year, I have been living “uncomfortably”. That whole Life begins at the end of your comfort zone idea was really ringing true, and I liked it. I still do. But oddly enough, what I never expected is that when it comes to comfort, it’s not necessarily where you are or what you are doing.. it’s who you are with.

What I realized is that my people, are family more than than they are friends. They have seen the darkest of dark, the craziest of crazy.. every tear shed, every smile shared. They have been there through every bad decision and every highlight. Every aching moment of despair and every hysterical laugh over a chambord margarita.. or a pumpkinhead.. or a gin & tonic.. or a sam summer.. or.. you get the idea, HA! I definitely have not been the most pleasant person to deal with, and even with my most vulnerable moments exposed, they still decided to keep me around. Through these past 10 months living my dream in the “uncomfortable”.. they are the ones who have been there to share every moment. They have been my cheerleaders and my support system.. As hard as it was being 3k miles away.. they took care of me when I was home alone with the flu on New Years Eve. They were high-fiving me through the phone when I finally started playing volleyball again.. and they even gave me a raised eyebrow and a ‘not surprised’ attitude when I fractured my thumb riding a mechanical bull..

It’s amazing, the types of connections people can have with each other. It always comes back to that old saying.. “I’d rather have 4-quarters than 100-pennies.” Thankfully, I have 5 😉

And don’t get me wrong, I have had, and still have, so many Michael Buble moments of “And I’m surrounded by.. A million people I.. Still feel all alone..” So cliche I know, but it’s true. It’s incredible what people can do to a life once they learn all about it.. and more so, how much people need it. In life, what people want most is acceptance and understanding. And even though you can seriously be surrounded by many great people, that doesn’t mean you receive either of those. The hardest part in all this, is finding those people that you can share your life with..

Having been accustomed to a traveling lifestyle as a child, and living a 50/50 life of East Coast, West Coast, the only thing I really strived on accomplishing was being part of a family. From the minute that plane hit NH soil back in 1994, I dreamed of moving back to the Golden State because that’s where I thought my family was, and that’s where I belonged. Yet in the 18 years I lived in the East, I never realized that I was creating the family I always wanted.. one who loved me unconditionally, with no obligation, no expectation.. just love.

And I cannot wait to squeal like a 5yr old when I see all you loves of my life♥

“The most important thing in life is your family. There are days you love them, and others you don’t. But, in the end, they’re the people you always come home to. Sometimes it’s the family you’re born into and sometimes.. it’s the one you make for yourself.” -Sex&theCity

i can’t make you love me if you don’t.

~ NewBeginnings ~ 2 Comments

“Some people are settling down, some people are settling, and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.” -Sex & the City

I refuse to settle.

And to clarify, I don’t see settling as in getting married or having children, or buying a house even.. any of that. Because, believe it or not, I want some of those things.. I want to love and be loved, but I know enough to wait for what is right for me. I refuse to do anything because of my age, or what society thinks I should be doing. Settling down for me is doing something for the mere reason that people, or society, expect it of you, not because you actually want to do it.

I especially believe this in terms of love. I have read in several places that people are in relationships for many reasons but not necessarily because of love. How sad is that!? I mean, if you think about it, we aren’t even friends with people because we genuinely like them or have anything in common.. many times it is a feeling of sheer obligation. I’ve also read a breakdown of the differences between love and obsession, lust, and control even. And honestly, this is why the divorce rate is 50%.

Don’t hate people, its a statistic. Fact. (in case you feel the need to read up on it, here’s a link for you) statistics

And also, in the 50% who stay married, only a fraction of those are together because of love. Now that is really sad.

As much as I LOVE living in a fantasy of romance and undying love, rom coms, and fairytales, (which, as many of you know, my likeness for these things is absolutely rediculous) I still understand, and learn everyday that love is more than convenience, expectation, practicality, being comfortable, and the idea of “I don’t think I can find anything better.” When I hear this, I want to kick a puppy. Is that what you really think? Or are you just being impatient? Lazy? Are you just plain scared of being vulnerable? These are the chances I am willing to take. Love is not “Well we’ve been dating 2 years, it’s time to get married.” Is it?! We’re talking forever here people.. do you realize this? Oh right, you can just get divorced.. because that’s a whole lot of fun I tell you.

Maybe it’s because I am part of that previously stated statistic and I refuse to add to it again. Maybe because of my previous ‘failure’ I finally understand what marriage actually means. Forever. I am slowing beginning to see, after physically seeing with my own eyes, so many people after me who got married, or divorced, or both even.. that marriage is no longer being taken seriously. It just becomes another ‘step’. Especially for those who are in long relationships.. hate me all you want for saying this, but maybe you aren’t supposed to get married.. maybe your long relationship is just that – a relationship you’ve had for a long time. I have been there, I know others who have been there too.. leaving relationships after 4, 8 years even. Marriage was not meant to be a ‘step’ it was, and is, meant for love.. not taxes, not babies, love. With love, comes the rest.. Maybe I’m trying too hard to explain this. But, maybe.. out of sheer hope, people will read and view life a little differently and actually take the time to fall in love vs just taking what they can get.

And yes, I’ve heard you critics, life now is not what life was back then.. blah blah.. The Bible is dated.. Society has changed.. That’s great, well if society has changed so much, then why are women, on average, still getting paid less then men? Why is there still discrimination? Why do families automatically expect children the minute people get married? Are you now going to argue on the basis of tradition? Exactly.. this is an on-going argumentative cycle. People may have changed, but feelings have not.

Love is a feeling, it is understanding. It’s compromise. Not in compromising yourself, but in finding compromise together. It’s being true to yourself and seeing truth in each other. It’s living as individuals, and bringing home your separate ideas to collaborate, or at least agree to disagree. It’s ever-changing.. because our lives are ever-changing. It’s loving all of someone including their imperfections.. not despite them. It’s allowing each other to be vulnerable because we all need to expose ourselves sometimes so we don’t feel shame. It’s about accepting that vulnerability because we all are victim to it.. It’s about not expecting strength and perfection at all times.

Love is about finding that person or people even, including friends, who see you for everything your worth, down to the bones. Vulnerable. Shameful. To be able to stand by you when you are not strong. Through imperfections. Love is not about knowing what buttons to push, but knowing why there are buttons at all. Love is truly unconditional.

And don’t get me wrong, of all the people I know who are married, with children, etc.. I know a few who are truly in love, who are together because of each other, not out of circumstance.. But I can count those couples on one hand.

Call me crazy, but no, I won’t settle, I refuse to allow myself to just be ‘comfortable’. I refuse to allow time, and society, and even friends and family, to create my boundaries. I refuse to be part of anything other than that 2% or so of the population who are together because of love.

Will I have to wait till I’m 80? Maybe. Will I be lonely? At times.. Will it be worth it? Yes.

im sorry, what month is it?!

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

We are getting ready to head into the half-way mark of 2013.

Half this year is almost over. I literally had a mini freak out about it today, so in true blogger fashion, I thought I’d share my thoughts with you.

I was driving with my roommate explaining how I’m making myself crazy because the months keep flying by. Weeks.. gone. Days.. a blur. Hours even.. Seconds.. mere memories. I was, and still feel like, life is happening way too fast for me right now. So much so, that I have no clue how to control it. My lovely roommate casually responded with something like, “Well, you can’t control it, life will always go too fast.”

And deep down I know that. I know I can’t control much of anything except myself and my actions. And I think that’s why I was freaking out. I was starting to become those people I blogged about once. Take a read when you get a moment:

..lets not go so fast this time..

I finally have a job I enjoy.. It is M-F, 8:30am – 5pm. Of course, on occasion I’m out a little late or in a little early.. but generally speaking I have a pretty normal schedule. I have weekends off. I have a ‘normal’ work week.

I never thought it would creep up on me and bite me in the ass. As I mentioned, I was, and am, (but trying reaalllyyy hard to stop) becoming one of those people that I blogged about back in 2012. I watch the clock, I work for the weekend.. I can’t wait until Thursday is over. I have openly said “OMG I can’t wait until next Wednesday is over.” Seriously?! I want to push time ahead a week?!

I stopped  s a v o r i n g  every day.

And now, 7 months later, I am just living a cycle of work/weekend/work in the place that I thought would change my life.

Not to say my life hasn’t changed, but something else my roommate mentioned today really made me think. She asked something like, “Well why are you feeling like that?” And continued by adding.. “There’s no need unless you think you are missing out on something, or not doing something you want.”

And honestly I have been thinking about that since I moved here. And if I break it down, the only thing I thought I was missing was money. I have a job I absolutely enjoy, it is exactly what I was looking for to get me into the job market in my field. I love the people I work with.. (although they are not nearly as great of friends as my last job #aeriegirlforlife ..sorry, had to) but the pay isn’t exactly helping me live the life I would like to. And don’t get me wrong, it’s not terrible.. it’s just tough.

And so maybe I just opened up a new door to myself. In writing that last sentence, I realized, maybe there is something missing.

I am recently starting to save for a trip to France. My plan is next year so I have time to save the money and build more vacation time. But in every dollar I save, something comes up. My car registration is in November.. and Christmas, of course, is in December. And never mind life happening.. like getting work done on my car that I need, so I can keep going to work!

So bringing this back a bit, I am missing something. More dreams. I have never traveled and France has been on my to-do list for years. At 32, I don’t feel the clock ticking as far as babies, or marriage, although one day I may still want those things.. But more so, I feel like everyday that passes, is another day gone. One less day I have to live another dream.

And like I wrote back in 2012, I don’t want time to go faster, I just want to enjoy now. I am excited for France, but I want to cherish the struggle it takes for me to get there. I want to appreciate my hard work and appreciate the time I have right now. I want to remember where I came from and be proud of what I have, and hopefully will, become.

Everyday is a blessing. And as much time that I think I may have.. I never really know.

It’s hard, I tell you. But I’m still trying. Because I don’t know what the future has in store. Even scarier, I don’t know when my last days will be. So really, I have nothing more than these moments of now. Nothing more than today.

days like today..

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

i miss bacon mac n cheese.

i miss breakfast. specifically at Parkers.

i miss good beer.

i miss being a regular in a bar and having the bartender not only knowing my name and my drink.. but also knowing and enjoying my latest personal rom com story.

i miss spoon signs. and signs in general. for volleyball games and concerts. i made the best signs. i have witnesses.

i miss making friends.

i miss cookie-cakes.

i miss baristas who write ‘karamel’ on my cup.

i miss chivalry.

i miss smoking cloves at TGIFridays.

i miss going out for drinks after work.

i miss college.

i miss volleyball. and coaching.

i miss sunrises.

i miss new england.. people. ❤