Tag: choice

ignore-ance.

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

..is what i like to call it.. because the ignorer has no idea how the ignoree feels.. and therefore, they are ignorant.

If you haven’t caught on from my one sentence rant, my biggest pet peeve.. next to not saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezes..(I dont care what religion you are, make up another phrase if you have to) or ‘thank you’ when you hold a door open.. (you know, common courtesy?!) is being ignored. I mean, I dont know many people who really enjoy it.. and of course, like most of my posts, I too, am a perpetrator. I am a mean person who has also ignored people. Maybe this is karma..

This gets me to thinking though, about how I treat people, and what things I have done to be on someones ‘pet peeve’ list. The minute I finished writing the first sentence to this post I immediately felt terrible for the people I have ignored. I found myself on the other side. You start asking yourself questions.. Did they read it? Did they listen to my voice mail? With technology these days sometimes you know when they have, which leads you to more questions: Did I offend them? Do they not care? What is going on?! How much time is appropriate before I should even be asking myself these questions?

“Whoever said ‘What you don’t know can’t hurt you,’ was a complete and total moron. Because for most people I know, not knowing is the worst feeling in the world.” -Greys

The only problem is, although I care about being ignored, other people might not even care at all if I respond to them. That’s another mystery in life I guess.. Or maybe its not. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again.. ‘perception is reality.’ 5 people see a car accident, you get 5 different explanations. I think someone is ignoring me, they think they’re not, and vice versa. But even with our differences in perception, we should all be a little more considerate when people reach out to us, ask us questions, or offer information or assistance. When it comes to ignoring someone, I think there are simple, general guidelines that may help us to STOP IGNORING people. You all stop being jerks, and I will too.

– If someone asks you a question, answer it.

-If you’re not interested, say so. (didn’t I post about honesty recently?)

-If you feel bad because time has passed, don’t continue wasting time.. remember people ‘forgive’ but they don’t ‘forget’. You don’t even have to apologize, say something simple like.. ‘oops!’

-Be courteous. You never know when that person will magically pop back into your life. Damn that karma.

-Remember what it feels like to be on the other side. It sucks.

Go.

~ NewBeginnings ~ 5 Comments

I have at least 3 posts waiting to be finished.. I had so many ideas before I up and moved cross-country, and unfortunately it’s only been a few days.. so I haven’t found anything to call home yet where I can let my thoughts finish. I’ve barely found a Starbucks I like! But through the past few days, and even the days leading up to my departure from New England, I have been pulling at strings inside me only to try and cut some loose. Whether it be a failed test, a lost game, a relationship, a fight, or even moving, we have trouble accepting loss.. sometimes we think of it as failure.

The hardest thing in life is letting something go. Even through all the cliches of “everything happens for a reason”, we still take to heart moments that we should not hold on to. Maybe I should clarify.. it’s not that we should or shouldn’t hold on to these emotions, but many times we sit around and ‘wait’ for that second chance. We hope for someone to come back to us, or for karma to come ‘full circle’. We forget that letting go allows us to make a change or find something better, or makes us better. It allows us to learn. I, for example, have learned that sometimes there are no second chances. You can’t replay a game, and you can’t always re-take a test. And when it comes to relationships, we have to remember that yes, people come into our lives for a reason, but “God often removes people from your life for a reason, think before chasing after them.” -@coffee&cocktails. Do you know how many ex-boyfriends I thought were coming back?! Almost all of them. And how many did?  ___ this many.

Whether its friendships or partnerships, everyone has an expiration date in our lives. This sounds terrible I know, because some DO stand the test of time, but some are just longer than others, some are only for a day, some are only meant to bump into you on the subway and comment on the color of your shirt.. because that 3 seconds made your bad day better.. and some, only some, like library books, can be borrowed again when needed. One of my bestest friends was out of my life for about 4 years. We both never ‘chased’ each other, or fought to understand why we stopped speaking. What we both did, however, was let each other go. And its not that we banished each other from our lives, or were pompous jerks who snubbed each other, we just understood that there was a reason we stopped talking. We both learned a lot about ourselves, and not to sound super lame, but at the most perfect time, we found each other again. Even after so many years of being out of each others lives, one thing never changed, we still understood each other. We talked through the past.. and although it didn’t make sense 4 years ago, it all made sense now. This is one of few scenarios where that letting-someone-you-love-go-and-they-come-back-and-all-that-jazz.. rang true. The moment you let go of something or someone is the very moment everything makes sense. You become who you are again, and sometimes you realize that the something or someone you were stuck to, wasn’t even worth it at all. You are able to see everything from the outside. And sometimes, you even understand what it feels like to be on the other side. An example that this friend explained to me was.. “I was thinking, if I was just walking down the street and I didn’t know you at all, would I still want to talk to you or ask you for directions? As a stranger? Would you be someone I would want to talk to? ..And I answered YES.” After that conversation, I could name a few people that I would still want to talk to, but I also could name a few I wouldn’t want to talk to.. even as strangers.. and it made me realize again the glory of letting those people go.

“Sometimes you have to realize some people can stay in your heart, but not in your life.” -@iamprincekash

Because some people and some moments aren’t meant to be in your life forever. No matter how long they have been there already, we all know the past does not create the future. The past can’t ever change, but the future always will. So, of all the heartache, tears, and emotional turmoil.. all the scenarios I made in my head with ex-boyfriends.. (Ive been making rom com’s for years apparently!), all the old friends, and bad days at work.. If I had held on to every emotion.. every moment.. I would have never made a life for myself in New England. I would have never made the friends I have today. I would have been stuck in a terrible, emotionally damaging, relationship. I would still be crying driving on my way to work. I would still be fighting with friends who make bad decisions then question why bad things happen to them. With letting something go, even if its as small as a bad day, it allows you to see what is in front of you, and to show you that even the simplest of things, that are right in front of your face, can be amazing. It shows you the friends who stand by your side, the life you can create from the unknown, the crush who can turn into something more, and the endless possibilities of what fate has to offer.

We only only have one life. We only get one. Once chance. There are no second chances when it comes to life, so why would we ever assume that there are second chances IN life. YOLO all you want, but if you don’t stand by the idea, you weigh yourself down. Every day is a new beginning and with that should be finding something new to let go of. Think about what weighs you down, what lies heavy on your heart. Cut one more string. You’ll be able to breathe a little easier.

If I had stayed a miserable 13yr old who didn’t want to make friends, would I have ever become the crazy-confident-self-loving girl who thought moving back to CA would be a great idea?! Without cutting a few strings, I may have never taken a step forward. So here’s to you New England, as I pour out some champagne for you, know that I will never forget you.. and as days go on, I might pull another string off.. no worries though, because if I love some of you enough, you’ll come back right? Or does that mean I’ll go back..?

“Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. Maybe you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be.” -S&TC

 

hello there, it’s nice to see me again.

~ NewBeginnings ~ 12 Comments

I am back. In more ways than one.

I took a mini hiatus from my blog. And although I was not nearly as generous in explanation as fellow blogger and writing superstar Jodi Ambrose was when she took a little break, 😉 I, myself was in hiding nonetheless. A lot has ensued over the past week or two.. or three even, and I have many drafts floating around that now make no sense to me. I was having a personal struggle, one that only few people knew about. This struggle of mine, has also brought ME back.

I was waiting and waiting to write a new post. Racking my brain on how and what I was going to say or explain about my situation. I had a lot of “I’ve become that person I criticize” moments. So many times did I want to spew out all my issues and try to release all the stresses building up. But honestly, not everyone needs to know my issues, not in specifics at least, and it was probably better that way. If I had blogged about it, the outcome would probably have been different. I would have felt that in expressing my emotions, it was enough to calm me down, and in the end I would not have pulled myself out of my hole.  As I have said many a time, my life is not terrible, and this situation is no different. There are plenty of worldly problems, cancers, diseases, and pain that take up people’s lives. For me, it was just a small moment of identity loss. But if this has ever happened to you, losing yourself is worse than losing your car keys.

For a few years, I was living a life that was rational and made sense. I had a great relationship, a job that pays bills, and amazing friends. Unfortunately, in all the rationality and sense that was being made, I was digging myself into a hole of self-doubt. I took a job I don’t like, and I gave up on myself and what made me happy. I was too busy focusing on making someone else happy. It’s no ones fault but my own, and knowing that was eating at me. Starting this blog was the beginning of me breaking free again, stepping outside the comfortable. My creative juices started to flow.. and I started to divulge into what was inside me. I thought about volleyball, I thought about coaching. I thought about martinis and running, and little black dresses. I thought about my family A LOT. I thought about home. I thought about my eccentricities that most people don’t understand with me, but that my friends love about me. I thought about being Posh. I thought about the expectations my parents had for me, and then I realized, my parents just expected me to be happy, and it was ME who was not living up to my OWN expectations.

I kept myself in a safe place. I moved along with societal expectations, got involved in “normal” to-do’s. My friends were starting to get married and they are now starting to have babies. The questions started popping up towards me, “So Kara, when will you.. ” So many times have I had to explain to people that marriage and kids, and houses and white picket fences, are not for me. This is hard for people to understand. Is it bad that I have a sense of ‘pride’ in being alone, single? And I’m not talking about being available here, but independent. The moment I realized I was not doing things for myself anymore, but rather for someone else, I started crumbling. The arguments of settling down and selfishness I know are out there, but if I don’t feel like I can stand on my own, how am I supposed to stand next to someone.. without them holding me up?

I’ve always had a stubborn independence in me. Call me crazy, but I’ve always seen myself in a ‘Melrose Place’ sort of complex, with a shared pool, meeting all my neighbors and having cocktails on our balconies. And when I retire, I see myself in FL with a whole lot of old people in a community having wine everyday at noon. Aside from all the alcohol, I see myself surrounded by people and being a part of a community. Like I mentioned, I don’t want to be alone, I just want to be me. I see myself visiting my nieces and nephews, seeing them on holidays, and being a role model. I see myself being successful at being unconventional. I see myself becoming a writer, a coach, a volleyball player again (most likely in an old people league, but playing nonetheless!). I see myself living by the ocean, making an impact to society, and changing people’s lives. I may not be able to change the world, but I can be the one positive influence in someone’s life that may change their perspective. Call me a dreamer, but I see these things.

I’ve always seen these things. Yet for some reason, I held them back the last few years. This past week however, after a text to a friend and a prayer, something happened. Those who know me will call it fate, but I had one of those “sometimes the-hardest-thing-and-the-right-thing-are-the-same-thing” moments. My mind was reeling, I could barely eat, my stress was through the roof, and I was making myself sick. But finally, after all the internal aching, it is over. I am free. I am ME.

I am not feeling good by any means where I am right now.. I feel like I lost my best friend. Yesterday was a miserable day. But now there is freedom to follow dreams and accomplish goals. Freedom to do better. Everyday that goes by is another new beginning. It will be hard, it IS hard, it will take time, and it will completely SUCK. But like all things, it will get better. I have to keep reminding myself of what I want.. That “life begins at the end of your comfort zone..”  and I can’t wait to get uncomfortable.

“It’s time to begin, isn’t it?
I get a little bit bigger, but then I’ll admit
I’m just the same as I was
Now don’t you understand
That I’m never changing who I am” ~Imagine Dragons

Laguna Beach.. A life lesson?

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

So, I watched a mini marathon of Laguna Beach today. I know you’re jealous 😉 Season 2 was on, which was fantastic, because its my favorite of the 3 seasons. And for the sake of my wild fan-isms, can I just get a show of hands of Lauren Conrad fans?! I absolutely love her, where she comes from, and what she has done for herself.. amazing fashionista, she is.

While the finale was closing up, it got me to thinking about a few things: high school, college, and California. It took me back to a place where the world was in front of me and anything was possible. I don’t mean to relate this to my last post, but I thought about my life choices.. and where I was when ‘LC’ and Stephen graduated from Laguna High School. I was 24. I was probably making bad decisions. And this is where I guess the connection from my last post comes in.

I look at my life now, and really, its not all that bad. I have a job I don’t like, but its a job nonetheless.. my bills gets paid, I have no debt, I eat everyday. I have a gym membership I don’t us as often as I should, I have cable (score!), and I have amazing friends who double as my family. Honestly, they are the shining stars in my life. AND, as simple as it may sound, I have LIFE. I am alive, and I am healthy.

After the credits started to roll, and I was wondering when the next marathon would be on, I starting saying to myself.. “I have so many regrets…no, not regrets, but I definitely didn’t make the choices I thought I would make when I was younger. If I just didn’t…” And that’s where I consciously stopped myself. I was about to blame this “normal” life I had, on something. I was about to blame it on getting married. I was married in June of 2001. I was 20, and 6 months later, right before my 21st birthday, I was legally separated. Then, divorced by August. Within a year, I had been married, filed lots of paper work, fought over a measly $1,000, changed my name twice, and was single again before I knew it. I wouldn’t call it traumatizing, but it was definitely a huge emotional strain I never planned to have by my 21st birthday. The relationship was sour from the start and, blame it on being young, but I knew and wanted to end that relationship before that wedding.. and maybe its that decision that I regret so much. I blame myself. for making bad decisions.

That got me to thinking.. these choices we make, we have to live with them.. take ownership of them, and hopefully learn from them. So why do we make bad ones? Is that the learning part? Like I was saying before, I don’t have a terrible life by any means. And all the “bad” decisions got me here, maybe with nothing more than amazing friends, but if thats the one ‘amazing’ thing I get out of all this, I’ll take it. That being the case, why am I not happy where I am in this ‘normal’ life? Why do I just keep going day by day.. feeling like I am missing out on something? Why am I not making a change? What choices led me here? Mind you, I’m not looking to become famous, or even important. I would however, like my blog to do well 🙂 But other than that, I’m not looking for a grand, fancy lifestyle. I just want what is waiting for me. I have an itch that leads me to believe I have a greater purpose than to sell bras and undies and to sit at home and watch “House Hunters”. I don’t even WANT to buy a house! More recently have I been feeling that ache, like something needs to happen. Something abnormal? But I keep feeling like I’m passing things by, even little things. I keep kicking myself for not going to the gym. Everyday I’m on the edge, I choose not to go. I make excuses. I wanted to submit my 1min audition to be Co-Host for the day on “Live! with Kelly”. See?! That could have been my chance! But again, excuses. Maybe too, because I don’t seem to do as well as I thought thinking on my feet. I’ve noticed I do much better after having thought about something. Comebacks for example, give me a day or two and I have a mean comeback on any comment. Another example is my writing. My blogs that get more feedback are better than others because I review them and I edit. Maybe this long thought process is reason for my lack of decision making. Laguna Beach reminded me of that. Or at least the idea of California did. I have been wanting to move back to California since the day my plane landed in Boston. That was 18 years ago. Gross. I hate doing life math. I was 13 and my parents are divorced, so it was my time to move out to live with my mother on the opposite coast of where I was born and raised. High School went by and I finally had a chance to go back. I looked at the University of California, San Diego. But I also wanted to play volleyball. I had been playing since I was 9 and like any child athlete, I wanted to go to the olympics. Obvi. Therefore, I HAD to play in college. The only school who looked at me, however, was NOT in CA. So where did I go? To a state school south of Boston. And what happened my freshman year? I quit because my then fiancé told me it was hindering our relationship.. and then what happened after that? Oh yah we got married and divorced in one year. During all that, I transferred to a private college in NH and played my junior and senior year. What was wrong with me?! Who let me make these bad decisions?! Oh right, I did. Why did no one at least slap me?! A better question I constantly asked myself back then was, “Why didn’t I at least try, be a walk-on.. take a chance.” When did I become weak?!

As we divulge into a small portion of my personal life, I bring it back to me watching all the hopefulness of the future via a Laguna Beach season finale of graduation, going off to college, saying goodbye to childhood friends, and making a fresh start. Old feelings suddenly came back to bite me in the ass. Because really, I’m old enough now where I can move if I want. I have a whole colony of Liwanag’s out west to help me, support me, and take me in with open arms. I won’t have to cry every time I leave LAX anymore, my brother will only be a 2 hour plane ride vs the 5-6hr flight I do now. (He’s in the army, and stationed outside Seattle) In total, I have 5 nieces, one of which I haven’t even met yet, and 2 nephews, one who I also haven’t met yet. And maybe thats what I feel I’m missing out on? Family.. being a part of their lives. I have never had the desire to have children myself, so being away from my family of children must be starting to take a toll.

That being the case, why have I not gone back yet?! Why have I continued to make mediocre decisions everyday? I’ve been making excuses for 18 years. What will it take for me to finally decide to move back home? Money? Maybe. A job lined up? Another maybe. A good friend said it like this to me, (not verbatim) ” Maybe something inside you is not ready to make that decision. Decisions happen when its time to make them.” So is it timing then? What about that saying.. ‘The time is NOW’?

I’m sure there is scientific rational for all my questions, and more than that, probably lots of spiritual rational. Even so, I’m still here, in a city outside of Boston wondering when I’ll be strong enough to make the leap. I don’t even know why this decision is so difficult. Maybe I should go to the gym more often.

On a side note: Happy Birthday to my niece Lydia! Love you! She’s a whopping 6yrs old today 🙂

(OMG is it bad I totally teared up writing that!)

didn’t your mother ever teach you that pointing is bad?

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

DISCLAIMER: May become slightly spiritual or largely philosophical, or both. Or possibly neither, hope you enjoy it anyway!

I feel like I learn something new everyday.

Whether it’s something interesting, such as, “What differentiates a ‘college’ vs a ‘university’? Or even “What does being a ‘tenured’ teacher mean?” And sometimes, I learn useless things like, “Miley got engaged!” Or, “What?! Chris Hemsworth is married with child!?” Oh social media and smart people.. {sigh} teaching me little snip-its of life, one crazy or important thing at a time.

Point here is I learned something again. This time, it was a week long process.. mainly because I ran into a few people who made me question humanity.

Not to brag, but I know a LOT of people. (HAHAHA I laughed out loud typing that) But really. I know people I grew up with, I know people I went to high school with, and those I went to college with. I also know lots of people I have worked with. I even know celebrities. I mean, I don’t KNOW them, but I know what I know from media and wikipedia.

Of these people, many have inspired me, motivated me, helped me, made me laugh, and some even love me 🙂 Of all these people though, there is a defining factor on who I keep by my side, while others just continue on in my life as bits and pieces. Its always one question I ask myself. In true Carrie Bradshaw form: “When it comes to relationships..”  Umm no, I meant to say “Do you point the finger at yourself?”

People who take ownership for what comes their way, good or bad, are people I keep close. We all make mistakes, but it is always us who make that decision on how to act upon it. A friend posted on twitter “Strong people make as many mistakes as weak ones do. But the strong ones admit their mistakes, laugh about it & learn from it.” Life isn’t easy. And all these people I know have a story. Now, I’m not going to divulge into sad stories of my own childhood or life because, really, I don’t consider it to be that awful. However, many people, after learning some information, may think it was. I had a conversation with a lovely friend of mine about this, and about how people persevere through bad situations. In this conversation, to give an example, I pulled the Oprah card. Oprah (a celebrity, that I can say, I’m not the only one who knows her 😉 ) had a terrible childhood. It’s known about her struggles, rape, abortion, and so forth. But it is also known about how she made a decision that if there was nothing left, she at least had herself. And it was OPRAH, who made herself into what she is today.

I love the Oprah card because, although her situation is a little extreme, she is a great example of what I learned: that everyone has a Choice. A choice to make your life what you want it and stop blaming others and society. I’m not saying to place ‘blame’ on yourself, but more ownership on what you choose your life to become. Oprah could have become a statistic, saying her childhood was a failure, the people who abused her ruined her life. No. Instead she woke up one day taking ownership for things that have happened. You think she would say, “oh yah that rape made me famous.”? “Those people who thought I was nothing, yah they helped get me my first job.”? Doubt it. Oprah herself made her what she has become. Instead of placing blame on her environment, she made a choice to become better than that.

One of the greatest gifts we have from God is the ABILITY to make CHOICES. Not only did God allow us the choice to follow HIM or not, we also choose to take a shower, to be angry, to go to the gym. With anything in life (and I try to remind myself of this often) there are always better situations, but we always forget that there are worse. Whatever you believe, especially in regards to ‘fate’, we may have a destination, but it’s our choice in what that journey will look like. I apparently like the mountainous route.

I know we have all heard this story before. Choice. And I know sometimes certain choices are fairly non-negotiable like going to work; but it is still a choice. What we have in front of us now did not just happen today, yesterday, or last month even. It began with a series of choices we allowed ourselves from the moment we were presented with that gift. And trust me. Its not easy to look in the mirror and think, “hmmm you there, are YOU my problem?” It’s easy to play the blame game and point fingers.. “my health” ..”my job” ..”Johnny didn’t help me.” All these things, health especially, are life-long decisions. We know some people have it easier than others, but it’s still a choice of how you treat your body and what you put into it.

I have a hard time understanding these types of people who feel that life owes them something. Why choose to depend on society? Why be dependent on those around you? Even family, friends.. because even the closest will not be there forever. There comes a time in your life when you are able to formulate ideas, thoughts, decisions, all by yourself. So why give that up an depend on others for those decisions? Why allow others to hold YOUR FATE?

We don’t have to subject ourself to others’ responsibility. It’s a choice to see the things you can do for yourself. Because when you get to those pearly gates, its just you. And you might only have thumbs left.