Tag: choice

i love elephants, and theres one in the room

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Its name is 2020. Need I say more?

Well, I’m gonna! Lol

I was thinking this morning and chatting with my roommate about the past year, and we discussed not only how crazy this year has been.. But more so, how much can change, in so “little” time. By little, I mean anything from 1 month, to an entire year. And yes, a year is a small amount of time in the big picture of life. As I approach 30-10 (yes I will use this for as long as I can, and be annoying about it and I don’t care, bc I am not part of those people above 39) One year seems so small now – I’ve started looking at life in, like, 5 year increments. Point is, we talked about last year – and the beginning of this year (before pandemic lockdowns) and we reminisced about when I moved in, in April. Literally within a month, I searched for a new home, got denied for my current place because someone was already getting background checked, then getting a call that it fell through, and the place is mine after all!

Fast forward and here we are, 7 months later, and I can’t believe it’s almost been a year. On top of life events, we also talked about relationships.. And as we approach another new year, I realized I have not done the same thing, or spent time with the same people 2 years in a row for New Years. I literally looked back at my socials and checked every New Years I celebrated since moving to SoCal, and the closest I got to spending time, or celebrating with the same people would be 2014 and 2016 (I think? I cant remember anymore, all I remember was there was a year gap in between) I spent New Years with one of my cousins and that group of friends. Then again 2018 and 2020, I celebrated with friends and one friend in particular was there both years. But even then, both events were very different and the people involved were even more different, aside from the one familiar face.

I don’t know if this is the same for all you reading, but my life in particular, clearly revolves around meeting new people all the time, creating new connections, friendships, and sadly weaning out those who no longer keep my soul on fire.

I even think back to a particular Birthday of a wonderful person, who I no longer really connect with anymore.. but I spent about $200 if I remember correctly, on this person for her Birthday. She never had a Spa/Massage experience, and I wanted to give that gift of experience for her. Some people thought I was a little crazy as I had only known this person maybe a year at this point, but we had gown closer the past couple months – and I distinctly remember saying something along the lines of: You never know what is going to happen tomorrow, I may never celebrate another Birthday with her again, so I’m taking advantage of time now, and just the mere fact that I can afford such gift, because THAT could be the change in coming years as well.

I also remember the faces of the people I said this to. I wish we could be constantly reminded of that idea, because literally within 3 months of that Birthday, I broke up with a mutual friend I was dating, tension arose, and then a separate issue of mis-communication happened.. and here we are no longer close, lol.

As I was thinking about these events this morning within my roommate chat, I somehow got so excited for tomorrow, I actually started to tear up. Because as much as the unknown scares me.. i.e. this is why I’m still single, (bc the thought of losing someone in a blink of an eye is scarier than knowing it could be forever) I ABSOLUTELY LOVE the idea and fact that anything is possible tomorrow.

And I know I have blogged about this in the past – but I think with all that has happened this year.. the excitement, and hope, and faith in the future is just emotional for me right now. Maybe because I just want to manifest so much for myself and those I love. Maybe because I’ve felt lonely for the first time, in a LONG time, and knowing the possibilities are endless in meeting new people or even reuniting with people from days before. And not that I’m saying going back to exes is ever a good idea, but truth be told, I have a handful of “loves lost” that are very good friends, and it’s wild to think back to the person I was then vs the person I am today.

That’s the thing with connections.. they are just THERE. You can’t quite explain it, the same way as when there ISN’T a connection. And sometimes, as we have read in all the clichéd quotes, sometimes, you meet people for a reason, a season, and whatever else comes next.. but you get my point.

As I start to think about how to close out this random-ass post, that I just decided to do because: 1) its literally been almost a year since my last post, and 2) we are headed into the season of giving and gratefulness – I guess I want to make sure ya’ll get something out of this.

So long story, a little longer – as I was looking at the past year, it was also a bit upsetting. This time last year, I was invited to go to Bali. This time last year I was booking hotel and airfare to Boston for one of my most favorite peoples wedding. 90% of 2019 was an adventure and I finally felt like I was learning who I was. I had posts going into December, then January (Birthday Season!), about how busy 2020 was already turning out to be. I planned a small Birthday outing because Europe 2020 was supposed to be the plan for the 30-10 celebration. Everything was cancelling from that point on.

But on a recent zoom meeting at work, first question was: how are you feeling? One of the next questions was about how to improve culture, and one of my favorite people made me rethink the year. She said (and I paraphrase here): Although its been a tough year, there was still SO MUCH good. We had people making babies, having babies, getting married, buying homes, getting engaged – and that was just people from work!

I thought about this personally, I ALSO had friends having babies, buying land and building homes, and making huge moves like I did at 31 to another state to see what else is out there in the world. There was good, lots of it. It was just hidden by the loud screams of society. And by screams, I mean the non-factual, negative, shouting from many different sides on many different issues. When it comes to important issues, its one thing to debate, argue even.. FACTS – but its another to just yell opinions with no basis of truth. If you know anything about me – I love facts! I love truth. Because whether we like it or not, facts and truths allow people to make decisions. And its nothing we can challenge. This is also why I love emotions – dem betches don’t lie.

Moving on, point of that last story share, is that all these small details, I assume are the reason for this newfound hope and optimism. Because there is still good no matter how bad anything seems. And to bridge all these points, its the people that help bring us there.

Look at who is around you, what’s that saying? You are who your closest 5 friends are.. (or whatever) Who are those people!? Are they good support systems? Do they challenge you? Is there anyone you have learned from? Should you reach out to them again if they fell of your life wagon? Is there someone you need to push OFF the wagon?! Are there people fueling your fire? Or are they stealing your heat to improve their own flame and leave you cold?

As we close out one of the most turbulent years most of us have ever experienced, remember its been proven that people and community are what keeps people happy and provide longevity. This is a great time, if you don’t already, to revisit wants and needs – and the people behind them. Because again, the only constant in life is change. And as scary as that is for me – mainly my fear of losing people – I do truly feel so good about what’s to come because life can change in a millisecond. I am choosing to view that as a positive, and I hope y’all absorb that energy in whatever aspect of your life needs it.

I will now leave you with my screenshot below where my message transcends people and describes all aspects of life, work, hobbies, etc.. ❤ Can’t wait for more of those conversations.

Cheers!

deja vu.. like 100 times

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Well hello there!

Here we are again.. yup, you guessed it! Birthday MONTH! 🙂

I always seem to resurface this time of year.. if not now, usually around the New Year.. then make my way back right around February.. aka – Birthday time. I know its a little repetitive, and probably somewhat annoying, but no matter how often I blog about life, Birthdays (yup the word should always be capitalized), and being grateful for both, I’m constantly finding myself having this conversation with people who have already heard it and have, say, “forgotten”.

Biggest pet-peeve (after liars): People who say they “hate” their Birthdays or “don’t like them”.

Ok fine. And not to sound harsh here, but hey, there’s always the alternative (cliche much?). But seriously, if that’s what you would have preferred the past year, or years even, is to die vs being graced with another year of wisdom, age, and knowledge – then well then I’m just a jerk for making you see any gratitude in having a day of birth at all.

And what I seem to find is, most people who “don’t like” their Birthdays, are normally the ones who aren’t living their lives to their potential, or expectation – and see growing “older” as just another day closer to having aching bones and wheelchairs.

You see this is where I want to slap all of these people.. with words of course. Hehe.

Because age means nothing.. that number you are so focused on? It just describes how long you have been blessed on this planet. It does not define who you are, and what you can or cannot do. It does not define your dreams and aspirations. There are 80yr olds running marathons.. and 21yr olds killing themselves on prescription drugs. I know those are extremes.. but really where would you prefer to land? Somewhere in the middle I’m sure.. but I’ll tell you what.. I’d love to be that 80yr running just a 5K! My point is, aside from major issues that physically and mentally deprive a person, i.e. dementia, certain stages of cancer, losing a limb (which even still doesn’t hold some people back!) the only thing that creates an “old age” mentality is yourself. You choose whether or not you want to join a book club, focus on your career goals, life goals, join a running club, yoga class, jump out of airplanes.. whatever. YOU make YOURSELF OLD, not the number of years you’ve been alive.

Seriously.

And to be clear, I’m not making anyone enjoy or celebrate their Birthday as much as I do. I’m just trying to explain that by saying you don’t “like” the day you were born – shows not only a choice of non-motivation to age gracefully, but also a level of ungratefulness. And some of you out there may be saying.. “Now hooold on a minute.. I didn’t SAY I was ungrateful!” Oh you didn’t? Well let’s just look at this logically here.. I can understand how we can sometimes be grateful for things we “don’t like” like say – coffee, or my bed, or friends, and being alive. Oh wait I LIKE ALL THOSE THINGS.

Ok so then.. I’m not grateful for liars, or traffic, or death. Oh wait.. I DON’T like all those things! Point is, it’s difficult to be grateful and not like something that you’re grateful for. Ok, so maybe sometimes I’m grateful for traffic because I was able to finish a really good song on the radio, or it kept me from a car accident.. I don’t really “like” the traffic per say, but I like what it has given me and am grateful for the song, or the non-accident.

So looking at this in a broader, still logical sense – to be grateful for life doesn’t mean you have to “like” Birthday’s – but yet the whole purpose of the Birthday was to GIVE you life. Just like the whole “purpose” of that traffic (if you believe in the Universe or God) was to keep you safe from an accident and let you listen to something that makes you happy. So in essence you sort of “didn’t mind” that traffic because, in this simple instance,  your song was playing.

That’s where we need to be people – have a sense of “I don’t mind my Birthday, because I am grateful to have made it another year” vs “I hate” or ” I don’t like”. Because if you value Life at all – it only makes sense to value how you got here in the first place.

Another pet-peeve: When people use death as a “reminder” to be grateful for life.

I know this sounds a little harsh again, but shouldn’t LIFE be your reminder every day that you are alive?! Why must we wait until we lose something to be grateful? Why are so many of us incapable to find magic, and value, and gratefulness in our everyday lives? How about changing that perspective, especially on a bad day, to “Today royally sucked, but I am grateful I at least woke up this morning, and was able to tell ____ I love them. Or even “Ugh I’m sick today, but I’m grateful for sick-days because at least I don’t have to work today and can catch up on my Netflix shows”. Or more so, I’ve been having health issues but I am grateful I have a great Dr. and a great support system (friends/family) to help me in recovery or to battle this”. See what I did there?! Turned obvious life issues into something we can be grateful for.

And I understand tragedy exists and evil. I am a realist – an optimistic realist to be exact. I know and understand, and even sometimes expect bad or the negative side of things to happen. However, I keep faith and hope that the “good” side prevails. Does that always happen? Of course not – but it definitely provides a more positive way to look at any situation.

Find reminders everyday to be grateful for LIFE. Then hopefully, If/when a bad thing happens, or you experience loss, it’s not that you didn’t know it was coming.. but you have learned to grieve and move on – in essence, understanding the loss and being sad (because we are still human), but being grateful that you were able to enjoy the time you had vs feeling like every good moment has been taken away. Because you can’t “take away” moments, you know, they are always with you <3.

 

So here’s to another amazing Birthday Season where I look back, pause, and then look  forward. To see where I have been, where I am, and where I aspire to go. Never to hang out too long in any of those ideas though, because as we know, time is of the essence and we never know when tomorrow is our last tomorrow. Celebrate what’s in front of you, and celebrate LIFE.

 

Cheers!

 

 

just another random sunday..

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Being sick just weeks before Thanksgiving really made me stop to re-group. I have a trip planned to visit my brother and his farm of children for the holiday (there’s four of them), never mind the pre-made plans I have to meet up with a friend visiting from out of state just days before that! I just can not socially afford to be sick right now. Also, being this the first time I’ve been sick since becoming single was sorta making the whole situation worse.. but at the same time, made me focus more on kicking this thing.

Anyway, I have done absolutely nothing this weekend. And by nothing, I mean I slept in as long as I could on Saturday and forced myself out of the house for a few hours just not to feel emotionally miserable. I’ve been living off of vitamin C, soup and tea, and the extra sleep definitely did a body good. Waking up today (Sunday) was a relief. Knowing myself, however, I knew not to get too excited because my normal protocol when feeling better is usually to go do a MILLION things. Why? you may ask.. well.. because I’m feeling better dammit, I can do anything! Right? Thankfully, I have learned that never works, because I usually end up ill for about 5 more days when I push it. So instead, to fill my need of adventures and activities, I went to breakfast at my favorite diner with the roommate, and then like a good little sick girl, took myself back home. Understanding my need to get better, I decided this is a perfect opportunity to finally unpack the residual boxes that had been collecting dust in my bedroom.

**Note: I moved over a year ago.. no big deal. Can we say procrastination?

This residual mess I had just sitting in my room was a number of things – divorce papers, tax documents, a lot of pictures, books, and some random things. I had recently been given a much-needed book shelf (recent = 3 months ago – just emphasizing my procrastination haha) and finally put it to good use.

In my sorting, dusting, and organizing.. I ran into several things that made me wonder why I kept any of this stuff. Of the questionable items were pictures, (ugh unfortunately many of them) of a lot of exes. Some still providing great memories, while others reminding me why I’m crazy sometimes. This got me to thinking.. should I just shred all this? Now mind you, I’m a memory keeper – meaning that I have about 6 memory boxes starting back from college, (thats about 15 years worth – ewww I’m showing my age haha!) and I still save stuff to this day – cards, pictures, ticket stubs, event tickets, you name it, if I think it holds some sort of value to my life, then it’s a keeper.

The stuff that sort of pinches my insides are the hardest – do I keep it as a reminder? To remind myself what never to do again? Or is it worthless because I mean, in the end, who is gonna keep it all anyway?! You see, never mind myself, but there are photos from weddings of friends who are also now divorced, many of those friends I don’t even talk to or even know where they are anymore. Photos of trips, and events with exes, other family member exes.. etc.. so strange. Again, some of them were great to remember.. others, (honestly, I’m pretty proud of myself for this – I had already cut out the exes from the photos or just removed them and stuck them in a ‘random’ pile. Yup, I was that girl – I will cut you out of pictures.. Mmwuaahahaha!) those others.. they just, I don’t know, it wasn’t pain, it was more annoyance. I kept saying, Ugh, jerk – never again! Haha, but for my soul, it was a great reminder of how much better my choices have been. To be clear, I did decide to shred some photos.. of duplicates, and some that just had no need to stay in my brain’s ‘memory box’.

Thankfully with technology, (or maybe NOT thankfully..) nowadays, the most you can do is delete photos anyway – yet as we have learned – they are never deleted for good. Which I guess sort of helps my idea of saving of such things that, Hey, if the internet keeps it forever, I guess I can too. It was definitely a strange journey through the pictures that start from the 6th grade – when I was still living in SoCal (the 1st time) – I pretty much spent about 2 hours reliving my entire late childhood and my transition into adulthood. Gonna be honest, it was slightly awkward at times haha. I had some good stuff to show my roommate too, and overall, I was pretty happy to finally get through it. Honestly, there was a part of me that was scared at what I’d find. But hey, if wedding certificates paper-clipped to divorce decree’s aren’t scary anymore, then really, what could possibly be in there that could still scare me?

I guess my point in all this, even for someone like me who loves tomorrow – I am a planner by nature, and you can’t plan without tomorrow! You also can’t have new beginnings without today! – As much as we/I want to keep yesterday far behind us and focus on the now..and plan for tomorrow.. the past never seems to go away.. Sometimes it even finds you after a few years just to remind you of how far you’ve come – or maybe for some, and in some cases for me – to show you how much further you can go. It’s a crazy life we live, and all you can do is keep learning, keep trucking, keep remembering that it is all yesterday. We are constantly in the past, in yesterday.. That second it took to write that last sentence, yup already the past. Interesting isn’t it? So why be afraid of it? We are constantly living in it.

See what happens when I get sick? I think too much. Happy random Sunday!

Cheers!

is 1 really the loneliest number?

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

About a week ago on the infamous FB, I posted something along the lines of :

“why is it when I want to be alone, there’s always someone asking to do stuff.. then when I want to hang out with people.. no one is around! 😐 #gah #oppositesattract #boredpost”

And this idea got me thinking.. When this sort of thing happens.. and I feel like its been happening more frequent lately.. is it the universe trying to tell me something? Do I need this time to be alone and reflect? Do laundry? Read? Find life’s purpose? Anything!? Because sometimes we need alone time and I get that. And sometimes maybe we need it forced on us because life can be a constant GO.. and we lose track of.. well.. life. I definitely enjoy it when I need it. Whether it’s yoga at 8am, breakfast by myself, or reading & writing time at the cafe.. lets be honest.. I even enjoy alone time at the cafe just merely surfing the web and following up on Facebook and Pinterest :p Point is, does the universe ‘force’ this type of thing on us because there is something we are missing and maybe need to notice? I don’t know, but I will definitely re-think those ‘where is everyone?!’ moments and evaluate.

The other thought that came to mind was.. ‘Ok, if I’m not supposed to have alone time, is this a sign to re-evaluate the people that surround me?’ This idea resonated more when I was in the midst of a 2hr late-night conversation with a dear friend of mine who I would literally pay $470 to fly 5hrs.. across the country.. just to attend a party for one night.. (literally still ironing out the details there!) Anyway, as we were chatting, we talked about how relationships change, and how sometimes our perceptions of some relationships also change. And we talked about my FB post and mentioned what I wrote in the first sentence of this paragraph – should I re-evaluate the people around me? Because the thought behind this is.. if this is some sort of new trend occurring more frequently then usual, maybe it isn’t me.. maybe it’s the company I don’t keep. Because the coincidence of me being unavailable or another person being unavailable is normal and understanding.. but to have several people coincidentally unavailable while I am just chillin’ by myself is, well, interesting.

So again, I’m not quite sure which way I am falling.. However I will say this – In the recent incidences of this happening I utilized my time for added alone-ness and life reflection and questions of self-improvement.. but I have also reconsidered my feelings for a handful of people in my life. Life is a constant change – good, bad, and indifferent – although each of those many will argue are based on perception.. I feel all change is good in some way. Whether we see is now or later, whether it hurts or massages the soul.. being able to walk through a new door/day can never be bad.

So yes, per usual, I will look at both sides.. and well maybe, that was the point of this all along. Maybe this has been happening more frequent because I need to do both. There are a million sayings about people that come into your life.. you cross paths for many reasons.. and many aren’t meant for forever, but just for a purpose.. whether to learn something or whatever.. One thing I definitely got out of that 2rh late-night conversation was that whatever the reason.. one thing is true, we all just want to be happy. And to be happy, we need to create happy surroundings.. whether it’s your work, your hobbies, yourself, and/or your people.

cheers!

back to the drawing board.

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

i literally just erased this entire post about 30 minutes ago.

i realized, one: i like typing in lowercase, hehe.. and two: i keep these drafts that are meant to be finished at the time of emotion.. yet they just sit in my queue. the universe must be telling me something. ive noticed that when i stretch and stretch out thoughts.. the main idea tends to get lost. i start focusing on my grammar more than my thought.

knowing this.. i decided to just type up a recap of this last post that i meant to publish, and just explain the angst inside me as simple as possible.

Ahem.. So.. after 11 months of being away, I took a trip back East.. visited some peeps, went on a few adventures.. had the BEST.BREAKFAST.EVER, but missed my bestest waitress 😦 I felt comfort in the city and lost in the woods. I realized within two days that this was no longer “home”. I then realized days later on the plane back West.. that one: I have been struggling with this idea of “home” for a while, and two: there were now only about 3 people that I could still call family.

This trip was a great learning experience. Most people found my explanation of my trip rather strange.. not understanding my confusion with feelings. You see I thought, as most of the people who know me thought, that I would land in Boston, breathe in the air, have a cannoli.. then drive up into the woods and relish in all its greenery.. and one changing leaf.

But that didn’t happen. I mean, I was very happy to see people.. some more than others, of course.. it’s always about the people. However, there was something weird and unsettling about it all. In all the familiarity and comfort, it’s like I no longer belonged. And maybe this was just a taste of my own medicine. Because for 18 of the 18yrs I lived in New England.. all I talked about was moving back West. I was always a SoCal girl to many.. I was a SoCal girl at heart.

SoCal was where I fell in love with the ocean, where I learned to play volleyball at the age of 9. Where I grew up learning from my father that I could do whatever I wanted as long as I worked hard enough.. and don’t let anyone tell me otherwise because I was a girl (you got it dad! 🙂 ).

But New England.. New England is where my love for the ocean grew, and where I was given the opportunity to play volleyball through college. It’s where I saw first hand that it is hard work that you needed to succeed. It’s like SoCal was the idea, and New England was the blueprint (for simplicity’s sake we’ll call it a plan).. and now full circle.. I am on to the execution stage.

It’s funny too, because thats exactly how I feel. Like I am taking two pieces of life and trying to make them fit together. And they can’t. Because plans come from ideas.. and you cant execute anything without a plan.

So instead of trying to figure out what “home” is, I am trying to find comfort in knowing that I love both places in different ways, and more important, both places are a piece of me.. whether I like it or not. One is the spark, the other the flame.

I just need to focus on loving the ideas I love, and re-evaluating the plans I don’t love.. to keep working on the execution.

i dont know why i never posted this..

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

In sifting through some past journal entries, I found something from March of 2011.

In it, I wrote about a couple of friends who said something to me about “Learning to accept the things that haven’t happened and move on.”

On the previous page, I wrote about my anxiety about my plans for the future, and having concern that I had lost my idea of what my ‘Dreams’ were.. because you can’t follow something that doesn’t exist.

Anyway, I continued to write about the fact that I did not agree with this statement of ‘accepting things that haven’t happened’. Because I wanted to make things happen. Even if it was in small doses. I wrote about moving to CA (oh look at that!) and saying that I’d rather make it out here and last 3months than never making an effort at all. Because really, just because something hasn’t happened doesn’t mean it still can’t. If we just accept the things that haven’t happened, then what is the point of having dreams or aspirations? Why dream at all?

Looking back, I can obviously see what my friends were trying to say.. because right, you can’t change the past, you can’t change things that haven’t happened. You shouldn’t live and wonder ‘what if’. I think that was the point for me though, and the reason why I disagreed. Because there is always tomorrow. So why move on? Why even have a ‘what if’?! Take tomorrow by the horns and make something happen.

In my 32 years of my existence I have learned the obvious: We cannot change the past.. but that does not mean that what we have not accomplished cannot still be done now. Or tomorrow. And as crazy as life may be, and as fragile – and short even – there is still an opportunity to make things happen. And more so, a reason to be motivated. Knowing life is uncertain gives more of a reason to conquer today and think about those ‘what if’s’ and turn them into ‘this is what happened when I..’

Still thinking about that old college friend? Social Networking was created for you. Mad at yourself for not asking that guy/girl out last month? You probably know where to find them.. just do it. What’s the worst that can happen? They tell you they’re engaged!? BAHAHA (inside joke, and either way, at least now you know, and you’ve got a good story) Trying to get a Masters? a PhD? If money is a factor, start one class at a time. In the end, you will feel even more accomplished.

My point is, I would rather accept – what people call – ‘failure’ in trying. I would rather be late in the game, and getting even just a small piece of what I wanted, rather than accepting the nothingness of never trying. Why even have the talk about ‘accepting things that haven’t happened’? Why not just make them happen.. no matter how small, no matter how much time has passed. I would rather have stories to tell, even embarrassing ones, than having to ‘learn to accept..’ a nothing.

i can’t make you love me if you don’t.

~ NewBeginnings ~ 2 Comments

“Some people are settling down, some people are settling, and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.” -Sex & the City

I refuse to settle.

And to clarify, I don’t see settling as in getting married or having children, or buying a house even.. any of that. Because, believe it or not, I want some of those things.. I want to love and be loved, but I know enough to wait for what is right for me. I refuse to do anything because of my age, or what society thinks I should be doing. Settling down for me is doing something for the mere reason that people, or society, expect it of you, not because you actually want to do it.

I especially believe this in terms of love. I have read in several places that people are in relationships for many reasons but not necessarily because of love. How sad is that!? I mean, if you think about it, we aren’t even friends with people because we genuinely like them or have anything in common.. many times it is a feeling of sheer obligation. I’ve also read a breakdown of the differences between love and obsession, lust, and control even. And honestly, this is why the divorce rate is 50%.

Don’t hate people, its a statistic. Fact. (in case you feel the need to read up on it, here’s a link for you) statistics

And also, in the 50% who stay married, only a fraction of those are together because of love. Now that is really sad.

As much as I LOVE living in a fantasy of romance and undying love, rom coms, and fairytales, (which, as many of you know, my likeness for these things is absolutely rediculous) I still understand, and learn everyday that love is more than convenience, expectation, practicality, being comfortable, and the idea of “I don’t think I can find anything better.” When I hear this, I want to kick a puppy. Is that what you really think? Or are you just being impatient? Lazy? Are you just plain scared of being vulnerable? These are the chances I am willing to take. Love is not “Well we’ve been dating 2 years, it’s time to get married.” Is it?! We’re talking forever here people.. do you realize this? Oh right, you can just get divorced.. because that’s a whole lot of fun I tell you.

Maybe it’s because I am part of that previously stated statistic and I refuse to add to it again. Maybe because of my previous ‘failure’ I finally understand what marriage actually means. Forever. I am slowing beginning to see, after physically seeing with my own eyes, so many people after me who got married, or divorced, or both even.. that marriage is no longer being taken seriously. It just becomes another ‘step’. Especially for those who are in long relationships.. hate me all you want for saying this, but maybe you aren’t supposed to get married.. maybe your long relationship is just that – a relationship you’ve had for a long time. I have been there, I know others who have been there too.. leaving relationships after 4, 8 years even. Marriage was not meant to be a ‘step’ it was, and is, meant for love.. not taxes, not babies, love. With love, comes the rest.. Maybe I’m trying too hard to explain this. But, maybe.. out of sheer hope, people will read and view life a little differently and actually take the time to fall in love vs just taking what they can get.

And yes, I’ve heard you critics, life now is not what life was back then.. blah blah.. The Bible is dated.. Society has changed.. That’s great, well if society has changed so much, then why are women, on average, still getting paid less then men? Why is there still discrimination? Why do families automatically expect children the minute people get married? Are you now going to argue on the basis of tradition? Exactly.. this is an on-going argumentative cycle. People may have changed, but feelings have not.

Love is a feeling, it is understanding. It’s compromise. Not in compromising yourself, but in finding compromise together. It’s being true to yourself and seeing truth in each other. It’s living as individuals, and bringing home your separate ideas to collaborate, or at least agree to disagree. It’s ever-changing.. because our lives are ever-changing. It’s loving all of someone including their imperfections.. not despite them. It’s allowing each other to be vulnerable because we all need to expose ourselves sometimes so we don’t feel shame. It’s about accepting that vulnerability because we all are victim to it.. It’s about not expecting strength and perfection at all times.

Love is about finding that person or people even, including friends, who see you for everything your worth, down to the bones. Vulnerable. Shameful. To be able to stand by you when you are not strong. Through imperfections. Love is not about knowing what buttons to push, but knowing why there are buttons at all. Love is truly unconditional.

And don’t get me wrong, of all the people I know who are married, with children, etc.. I know a few who are truly in love, who are together because of each other, not out of circumstance.. But I can count those couples on one hand.

Call me crazy, but no, I won’t settle, I refuse to allow myself to just be ‘comfortable’. I refuse to allow time, and society, and even friends and family, to create my boundaries. I refuse to be part of anything other than that 2% or so of the population who are together because of love.

Will I have to wait till I’m 80? Maybe. Will I be lonely? At times.. Will it be worth it? Yes.

im sorry, what month is it?!

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

We are getting ready to head into the half-way mark of 2013.

Half this year is almost over. I literally had a mini freak out about it today, so in true blogger fashion, I thought I’d share my thoughts with you.

I was driving with my roommate explaining how I’m making myself crazy because the months keep flying by. Weeks.. gone. Days.. a blur. Hours even.. Seconds.. mere memories. I was, and still feel like, life is happening way too fast for me right now. So much so, that I have no clue how to control it. My lovely roommate casually responded with something like, “Well, you can’t control it, life will always go too fast.”

And deep down I know that. I know I can’t control much of anything except myself and my actions. And I think that’s why I was freaking out. I was starting to become those people I blogged about once. Take a read when you get a moment:

..lets not go so fast this time..

I finally have a job I enjoy.. It is M-F, 8:30am – 5pm. Of course, on occasion I’m out a little late or in a little early.. but generally speaking I have a pretty normal schedule. I have weekends off. I have a ‘normal’ work week.

I never thought it would creep up on me and bite me in the ass. As I mentioned, I was, and am, (but trying reaalllyyy hard to stop) becoming one of those people that I blogged about back in 2012. I watch the clock, I work for the weekend.. I can’t wait until Thursday is over. I have openly said “OMG I can’t wait until next Wednesday is over.” Seriously?! I want to push time ahead a week?!

I stopped  s a v o r i n g  every day.

And now, 7 months later, I am just living a cycle of work/weekend/work in the place that I thought would change my life.

Not to say my life hasn’t changed, but something else my roommate mentioned today really made me think. She asked something like, “Well why are you feeling like that?” And continued by adding.. “There’s no need unless you think you are missing out on something, or not doing something you want.”

And honestly I have been thinking about that since I moved here. And if I break it down, the only thing I thought I was missing was money. I have a job I absolutely enjoy, it is exactly what I was looking for to get me into the job market in my field. I love the people I work with.. (although they are not nearly as great of friends as my last job #aeriegirlforlife ..sorry, had to) but the pay isn’t exactly helping me live the life I would like to. And don’t get me wrong, it’s not terrible.. it’s just tough.

And so maybe I just opened up a new door to myself. In writing that last sentence, I realized, maybe there is something missing.

I am recently starting to save for a trip to France. My plan is next year so I have time to save the money and build more vacation time. But in every dollar I save, something comes up. My car registration is in November.. and Christmas, of course, is in December. And never mind life happening.. like getting work done on my car that I need, so I can keep going to work!

So bringing this back a bit, I am missing something. More dreams. I have never traveled and France has been on my to-do list for years. At 32, I don’t feel the clock ticking as far as babies, or marriage, although one day I may still want those things.. But more so, I feel like everyday that passes, is another day gone. One less day I have to live another dream.

And like I wrote back in 2012, I don’t want time to go faster, I just want to enjoy now. I am excited for France, but I want to cherish the struggle it takes for me to get there. I want to appreciate my hard work and appreciate the time I have right now. I want to remember where I came from and be proud of what I have, and hopefully will, become.

Everyday is a blessing. And as much time that I think I may have.. I never really know.

It’s hard, I tell you. But I’m still trying. Because I don’t know what the future has in store. Even scarier, I don’t know when my last days will be. So really, I have nothing more than these moments of now. Nothing more than today.

manhunt.

~ NewBeginnings ~ 4 Comments

I’m about 3-4 months away from making it a whole year without sex.

TMI? Sorry.. wait no, I’m not sorry. Because theres nothing wrong with saying it. I am not ashamed of it, and I’m sure there are a few people sitting in this boat I’m floating in.. I am also sure that some of you who are reading this are shocked. Way to think I’m a floozy! HA! Honestly, I’m partially shocked too. Anyway.. with the many conversations I have had with friends from back east, my roommate, and even my cousins, I’ve realized it’s not because I haven’t had any chances, its just that I’ve become a monster. In a good way. I think.

I am still as boy-crazy as ever, but I have created un-attainable standards for any male who thinks they are getting past a hand shake with me.

Good? Maybe. Bad? Probably. Because, yes, I am looking for more than a romp in the sack, but at the same time, I’m not giving any chances. And for someone who has made plenty bad decisions in her day when it comes to men.. HAHAHA – literally laughing at myself right now – It’s a strange feeling to have.. what are those called? Oh right, standards.

I partially blame it on my ex. After 5 years, it sadly didn’t work, but that’s not to say it was because of him. Oh, I take full responsibility. I wanted different things, and I lost my spark. But looking back, and now looking forward.. these future guys have ALOT to live up to. I mean, my ex had an amazingly stable and well-paying job, he had a great family, was relatively responsible, and took care of me like no one ever had. He knew how to fix things, make things.. he even changed the brakes on my car.. and they are still working! 😉 He knew how to cook, and he was my best friend. Being on my own now for almost 7 months, I can see the little things on why it didn’t work, but that doesn’t take away his awesomeness.

So now when I meet those of the male species, I’m all like – “What do you do for a living? Do you like sports? Do you know anything about cars? Are you reliable? Can you drive a manual?.” And the list goes on.. I mean, if the poor guy doesn’t have nice shoes on I’m judging! Even though my ex was a home-town boy who loved fishing and Star Wars, he did know a good shoe. And there it is. Damn him! Why did he have to be almost perfect?!

Of course I know the answer.. so I don’t settle for less than perfection. Which makes my love for Bradley Cooper all the more reasonable. But here comes a new problem. Every guy I find who meets these standards of mine are One of Three things:

Taken – Married with children – or Gay.

What am I supposed to do with that?! And all the others..? I’ve been throwing down the friend-card left and right. Because, I’m sorry, if you are a man, you don’t have to necessarily drive a manual, but you at least have to know how. Especially if I drive one. And yes, that means something to me. It’s almost as is important as how I take my coffee.

IMG_1081

So call me crazy, call me bitchy, call me unrealistic, or even unreasonable.. But there are things in life we hold to non-negotiables. And for me, I have a lot of them. But even with non-negotiables, in the end it does come down to emotion and spark. I know that sounds absolutely insane after everything I have just said, but I am a hopeless romantic deep down. I’m an Aquarian for goodness sakes, I believe in the stars and the dreams that hold them.. It has been said about Aquarians that, “Although you appear aloof and detached you’re inwardly sensitive and caring.” See? I’m just bitchy, crazy, and judgmental on the outside! 😉

But seriously though, it is a cycle.. common interests create a conversation, which creates common ground, which in turn creates a friendship.. it’s the spark that creates the relationship. And like Rich said, worst case, if I’m gonna become a hussy, I might as well have standards.

Oh well.. Charlotte did quote that you can become re-virginized after a year of no sex. Thank you Sex & the City for once again making me feel better about my life.. gah!

Cheers!

tiny rant.

~ NewBeginnings ~ 4 Comments

Okay, maybe it’s not tiny.. But being it the week of Giving Thanks.. I keep seeing something on my social pages that is really starting to eat at me. << I don’t even know if that sentence makes sense. Anyway, I keep seeing miserable people.

We all have bad days.. I’m having one today. I have other days that are tough too, but I try and keep calm because why make my surroundings miserable? It’s not the world’s fault that I’m having a bad day. But I also know that I can’t help it sometimes and that was me today. I even posted on FB that I’m grumpy and I wanted help to make it stop..!

Maybe its me, but when I have a bad day, or if I’m going through something difficult I dont find it appropriate to divulge things via social pages. Yes, I did write about one difficult moment in my life this year on my blog, but that is ONE outlet, and it wasn’t constant. It was also not written for the mere purpose of attention. It was a story. I guess my point here in this week of Giving Thanks, is that I have seen many posts lately about people going through difficult times.. and “some days are worse than others”.. posting dramatic explanations of life and love and heartache.. People posting about how miserable life is.. Reaching out to their FB/twitter/whatever else you might use – family just to create a rise out of people.. In order for people to comment with sob similarities and some others who provide motivational mini speeches. I completely understand that during holiday seasons, what seems bad enough already, becomes a little more discontent.. I’ve actually seen it first hand in a bar on Christmas Eve once.

A major reoccurring theme during the holidays are people who worry about being single.. I get it. I myself will be spending my first Thanksgiving and Christmas in 5 years.. alone. Call me crazy, call me different, call me a liar, but my explanation to people and my thoughts on this are that no matter what coast I would be spending this first holiday season alone, I know I have people who love me, and I am not spending it alone. I have family, I have friends. More important, I have myself. We dont get those moments often, time to spend on ourselves.. and although nothing beats having companionship, what kind of companions can we really be without loving ourselves and experiencing the holidays in a light where you can see how others actually are. Seeing for once that without the fog of depending on someone, no relationship is perfect, no life is perfect. People are not perfect.

So rather than vent out daily, hourly, or every few minutes even, why not actually see the holidays, or every day for that matter, for what they are meant for.. Family/Friends: whether its by blood or by fate, without family and friends we would litterally have nothing. Being Thankful: nothing will ever be perfect, everything happens for a reason, and there is a time and place for everything. A bad day for me is obviously different for other people, but we should always be aware of what we actually have and how grateful it is to have those things. To be able to wake up everyday and have another chance that many people don’t have. Not just today, not just this week, but always. We can never control what happens around us or what people do to us, but we can always control our own actions and reactions.

I mean really, why do some people feel like they are the only people who ever had problems? No one else in the world or on FB, or twitter.. ever went through a break up? No one else ever lost their job? No one else ever fought with their family? No one else is hurting on the inside? No one else ever had a bad day..?! And come on, how many times can someone say “Don’t worry, things will get better”, ” You are stronger than that”, “Tomorrow is another day..” We know this already, why must we be constantly reminded? It’s like knowing 1+1=2 but still asking for the answer. Maybe this is another mini motivational speech for all the downers, but seriously, how many times do we need to hear it?! And when did social networking become a platform for public whining? How many moments will it take for us to be grateful for what we have?! To be grateful for the small things in front of us.. for just making it another day.. just breathing one more breath..

“Maybe we’re not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we’re thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we’re thankful for the things we’ll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate.” -Grey’s Anatomy