I haven’t been this happy in a while ❤

Despite my childhood trauma, or maybe because of it, I’ve always been a late bloomer. I wasn’t a typical High-Schooler, I never partied and I was engaged before I gave away my v-card. I was 21 and divorced when I finally started to do what “normal” people did my age – which then created a downfall of mistakes I fell into until I was 27. That year, I was pretty much reborn after meeting the person who I believe saved my life. I had lost years, and have been trying to catch back up ever since.

Because, for as long as I can remember, I have been placed in a box. This little space of what people assume I am or expect me to be. Assumptions or judgements of the type of person I am based on a number of factors that say little about me. My past, my grades, my occupation, my age, my eating habits, my wardrobe, my music choices, my dating history.. I can go on.. Little did/do people know about the black hole of what is actually me. The few who know me well, know I have never believed in societal expectations. Yet these expectations I allowed myself to follow, forced me into many situations and “lives” that never held my truth. Maybe that’s why I snapped at 21. I did everything I was “supposed” to do. I followed society’s rules. I tucked my past away and I excelled. I was on honor roll, I got married, went to college, and even got searched out by a few schools to play volleyball. What no one saw, however, was how much I hated myself from the ages of 13, to 27. No one saw I was living a complete and utter lie. I was living in accordance to the “rules of the road” with the idea that this would be the way for my past never to repeat itself. Except, that in itself is also a lie.

“All great changes are preceded by chaos.” -Deepak Chopra

One of my favorite quotes, and it has never been more true than as of late. So many wild things have been happening – lots of good, lots of bad.. Weeks, months even.. of thought, anxiety, depression, loss. Being part of big changes, and contemplating exciting changes of my own.

And I came to a conclusion that I’m tired of living how others believe I am, or should be for that matter. I’m tired of being complacent out of fear of my past. Truth is hard to come by these days, and the people I admire the most are not necessarily philanthropic, but they live their truth, and choose to see all aspects of life as opportunity and not obstacles.

I guess for me recently, after experiencing some very large changes, I realized that it’s time for me to live my truth. I am not my age, I am not my job, and if you want to get technical, I’m not even my name – it’s just what I am called.

I am so very tired of living based on the year I was born and what I do for a living. I am not the children I don’t have and the marriage I may never want again. I am not what I wear (although I do dress based on my mood, lol). I am not the house I don’t own or the uncertainty of my career. What I am, however, is honest. I am emotional. I give too much of myself, too soon. I love without boundaries, care too much, and give without expectation. I am a lover of the ocean, sunrises and sunsets.. flowers, and ice cream. If I could rip my brain out of my head I would, because I believe that the heart carries more truth than the mind. I am not what you see, but I am the story my eyes tell. I am not broken, just breaking free, and I finally have one wing out.

Don’t let outside judgements hold you back from yourself. Live your truth, my friends.

❤