Tag: break-up

i can’t make you love me if you don’t.

~ NewBeginnings ~ 2 Comments

“Some people are settling down, some people are settling, and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.” -Sex & the City

I refuse to settle.

And to clarify, I don’t see settling as in getting married or having children, or buying a house even.. any of that. Because, believe it or not, I want some of those things.. I want to love and be loved, but I know enough to wait for what is right for me. I refuse to do anything because of my age, or what society thinks I should be doing. Settling down for me is doing something for the mere reason that people, or society, expect it of you, not because you actually want to do it.

I especially believe this in terms of love. I have read in several places that people are in relationships for many reasons but not necessarily because of love. How sad is that!? I mean, if you think about it, we aren’t even friends with people because we genuinely like them or have anything in common.. many times it is a feeling of sheer obligation. I’ve also read a breakdown of the differences between love and obsession, lust, and control even. And honestly, this is why the divorce rate is 50%.

Don’t hate people, its a statistic. Fact. (in case you feel the need to read up on it, here’s a link for you) statistics

And also, in the 50% who stay married, only a fraction of those are together because of love. Now that is really sad.

As much as I LOVE living in a fantasy of romance and undying love, rom coms, and fairytales, (which, as many of you know, my likeness for these things is absolutely rediculous) I still understand, and learn everyday that love is more than convenience, expectation, practicality, being comfortable, and the idea of “I don’t think I can find anything better.” When I hear this, I want to kick a puppy. Is that what you really think? Or are you just being impatient? Lazy? Are you just plain scared of being vulnerable? These are the chances I am willing to take. Love is not “Well we’ve been dating 2 years, it’s time to get married.” Is it?! We’re talking forever here people.. do you realize this? Oh right, you can just get divorced.. because that’s a whole lot of fun I tell you.

Maybe it’s because I am part of that previously stated statistic and I refuse to add to it again. Maybe because of my previous ‘failure’ I finally understand what marriage actually means. Forever. I am slowing beginning to see, after physically seeing with my own eyes, so many people after me who got married, or divorced, or both even.. that marriage is no longer being taken seriously. It just becomes another ‘step’. Especially for those who are in long relationships.. hate me all you want for saying this, but maybe you aren’t supposed to get married.. maybe your long relationship is just that – a relationship you’ve had for a long time. I have been there, I know others who have been there too.. leaving relationships after 4, 8 years even. Marriage was not meant to be a ‘step’ it was, and is, meant for love.. not taxes, not babies, love. With love, comes the rest.. Maybe I’m trying too hard to explain this. But, maybe.. out of sheer hope, people will read and view life a little differently and actually take the time to fall in love vs just taking what they can get.

And yes, I’ve heard you critics, life now is not what life was back then.. blah blah.. The Bible is dated.. Society has changed.. That’s great, well if society has changed so much, then why are women, on average, still getting paid less then men? Why is there still discrimination? Why do families automatically expect children the minute people get married? Are you now going to argue on the basis of tradition? Exactly.. this is an on-going argumentative cycle. People may have changed, but feelings have not.

Love is a feeling, it is understanding. It’s compromise. Not in compromising yourself, but in finding compromise together. It’s being true to yourself and seeing truth in each other. It’s living as individuals, and bringing home your separate ideas to collaborate, or at least agree to disagree. It’s ever-changing.. because our lives are ever-changing. It’s loving all of someone including their imperfections.. not despite them. It’s allowing each other to be vulnerable because we all need to expose ourselves sometimes so we don’t feel shame. It’s about accepting that vulnerability because we all are victim to it.. It’s about not expecting strength and perfection at all times.

Love is about finding that person or people even, including friends, who see you for everything your worth, down to the bones. Vulnerable. Shameful. To be able to stand by you when you are not strong. Through imperfections. Love is not about knowing what buttons to push, but knowing why there are buttons at all. Love is truly unconditional.

And don’t get me wrong, of all the people I know who are married, with children, etc.. I know a few who are truly in love, who are together because of each other, not out of circumstance.. But I can count those couples on one hand.

Call me crazy, but no, I won’t settle, I refuse to allow myself to just be ‘comfortable’. I refuse to allow time, and society, and even friends and family, to create my boundaries. I refuse to be part of anything other than that 2% or so of the population who are together because of love.

Will I have to wait till I’m 80? Maybe. Will I be lonely? At times.. Will it be worth it? Yes.

breaking up is hard to do.

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I planned on waiting a few days before blogging about the big Ray Allen news but I just couldn’t hold it in any longer.

I figured after a couple of days, emotions would be settled, and maybe I could write about it without any real emotion from myself, just knowledge. However, after seeing Ray’s picture with Rashard Lewis holding up their Heat uniforms yesterday, a wildfire of emotions came through me. I almost cried. It was like when I broke up with my high school boyfriend and then finding out three weeks later that he was seeing someone new. I remember thinking, “you said you LOVED me!” I wanted to see this girl.. I needed to know if I was better than she was. Seeing Ray with that jersey.. aside from the pain, was the same as seeing that girl. I was flooded with teenage girl emotions all over again. But she was not better than me, and that jersey definitely looked better in GREEN. With a 20 on it. No matter what the Heat bring to the table this coming season, they aren’t Boston, they aren’t LA, they aren’t even the Bulls.. they aren’t much of anything other than a basketball organization who has great players. And as many sports enthusiasts can vouch, having great players doesn’t mean you have a great team.

Growing up in southern california, I was born into a family of Laker fans, and I of course, was also a fan. Part of me still is, when Boston isn’t a contender, but really, when does that happen? 😉 My family can’t understand how this happened, but living in the Boston area for almost 18 years now, it only took time before my blood would start to bleed Green. The competition with my family is always fun though, it was especially exciting in the 2008 and 2010 finals. As big of rivals Boston and LA are.. and as intense as their competition is, I would have rather seen Ray put on Yellow and Purple. I would have taken the beating from my family and all the snide remarks that came with it. Really I, and probably every other Celtics fan, would have rather seen Ray go anywhere but to the Heat. Boston has history, and to-date, the most banners hanging from the rafters. Year after year, the Celtics and the Lakers are always considered hopefuls even when they have a bad season. It took negotiations and top-ranked players to make Miami what it is today, and even so, it’s only been that way for about 2-3 years.  Call me spoiled, but I’m just happy I was able to be part of the two best NBA teams in the country. 🙂

Back to Ray breaking up with us.. I was upset when I first heard the news, maybe not as upset as some people I know, but upset nonetheless. The reason I say  it this way is because, as a person, I am fairly level headed when it comes to emotions toward athletes or celebrities. Really, what have they done for me other than entertain? Im not saying Ray did not impact the Celtics, or their fans, I am just saying its not worth a jersey burning, because yes, he DID impact the Celtics during his time here. But honestly, when I saw that jersey in his hands, that smile on his face, I’m telling you, I felt cheated on. There was a small part of me who wanted to pull out a lighter.

The hardest part about all of this is the “WHY!?” Just like my sad high school break up, I wanted answers. All of Boston wanted answers. A lot of scrutiny came out calling Ray “The new Johnny Damon.” (Johnny Damon left the Red Sox for the Yankees a fews years back.. right into our rivals arms) However, in conversation with someone dear to me, it was said that “No, its not like Johnny Damon, because Damon left for more money. You can never fault someone for doing that because in that situation, we would all do it.” Im sure there is a small percentage of people who would claim loyalty and stay, but either way.. Ray left us for LESS. So I can assume that what is eating away at Celtics fans is that Ray left for personal reasons.. and unfortunately no matter what ESPN or local sports networks can spew out, i.e. Ray leaving because he was almost traded the past few years, Ray didn’t get along with Rondo.. gossip, gossip. Even our own speculation as fans doesn’t matter because the only people who will know the real reason of Ray’s break-up with Boston is Ray, his wife, and most likely his agent. Thats it.

As Celtics fans, we will all be upset, we will hate to see that jersey.. red or green. We will never understand why.. Time will pass, wounds may be re-opened, but somehow, at some point, we will let go. Letting go is the best at this point because our concern right now should not be about Ray Allen, but instead, Rondo, Pierce, and Garnett. Like any break-up, you eventually have to let go but you always remember what you had, and what you still have.

GO Cs!