Tag: boston

back to the drawing board.

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

i literally just erased this entire post about 30 minutes ago.

i realized, one: i like typing in lowercase, hehe.. and two: i keep these drafts that are meant to be finished at the time of emotion.. yet they just sit in my queue. the universe must be telling me something. ive noticed that when i stretch and stretch out thoughts.. the main idea tends to get lost. i start focusing on my grammar more than my thought.

knowing this.. i decided to just type up a recap of this last post that i meant to publish, and just explain the angst inside me as simple as possible.

Ahem.. So.. after 11 months of being away, I took a trip back East.. visited some peeps, went on a few adventures.. had the BEST.BREAKFAST.EVER, but missed my bestest waitress 😦 I felt comfort in the city and lost in the woods. I realized within two days that this was no longer “home”. I then realized days later on the plane back West.. that one: I have been struggling with this idea of “home” for a while, and two: there were now only about 3 people that I could still call family.

This trip was a great learning experience. Most people found my explanation of my trip rather strange.. not understanding my confusion with feelings. You see I thought, as most of the people who know me thought, that I would land in Boston, breathe in the air, have a cannoli.. then drive up into the woods and relish in all its greenery.. and one changing leaf.

But that didn’t happen. I mean, I was very happy to see people.. some more than others, of course.. it’s always about the people. However, there was something weird and unsettling about it all. In all the familiarity and comfort, it’s like I no longer belonged. And maybe this was just a taste of my own medicine. Because for 18 of the 18yrs I lived in New England.. all I talked about was moving back West. I was always a SoCal girl to many.. I was a SoCal girl at heart.

SoCal was where I fell in love with the ocean, where I learned to play volleyball at the age of 9. Where I grew up learning from my father that I could do whatever I wanted as long as I worked hard enough.. and don’t let anyone tell me otherwise because I was a girl (you got it dad! 🙂 ).

But New England.. New England is where my love for the ocean grew, and where I was given the opportunity to play volleyball through college. It’s where I saw first hand that it is hard work that you needed to succeed. It’s like SoCal was the idea, and New England was the blueprint (for simplicity’s sake we’ll call it a plan).. and now full circle.. I am on to the execution stage.

It’s funny too, because thats exactly how I feel. Like I am taking two pieces of life and trying to make them fit together. And they can’t. Because plans come from ideas.. and you cant execute anything without a plan.

So instead of trying to figure out what “home” is, I am trying to find comfort in knowing that I love both places in different ways, and more important, both places are a piece of me.. whether I like it or not. One is the spark, the other the flame.

I just need to focus on loving the ideas I love, and re-evaluating the plans I don’t love.. to keep working on the execution.

ode to family..

~ NewBeginnings ~ 2 Comments

It’s funny how the one place I wanted to leave for so long is now the only place I want to be right now.

For almost a year, I have been living “uncomfortably”. That whole Life begins at the end of your comfort zone idea was really ringing true, and I liked it. I still do. But oddly enough, what I never expected is that when it comes to comfort, it’s not necessarily where you are or what you are doing.. it’s who you are with.

What I realized is that my people, are family more than than they are friends. They have seen the darkest of dark, the craziest of crazy.. every tear shed, every smile shared. They have been there through every bad decision and every highlight. Every aching moment of despair and every hysterical laugh over a chambord margarita.. or a pumpkinhead.. or a gin & tonic.. or a sam summer.. or.. you get the idea, HA! I definitely have not been the most pleasant person to deal with, and even with my most vulnerable moments exposed, they still decided to keep me around. Through these past 10 months living my dream in the “uncomfortable”.. they are the ones who have been there to share every moment. They have been my cheerleaders and my support system.. As hard as it was being 3k miles away.. they took care of me when I was home alone with the flu on New Years Eve. They were high-fiving me through the phone when I finally started playing volleyball again.. and they even gave me a raised eyebrow and a ‘not surprised’ attitude when I fractured my thumb riding a mechanical bull..

It’s amazing, the types of connections people can have with each other. It always comes back to that old saying.. “I’d rather have 4-quarters than 100-pennies.” Thankfully, I have 5 😉

And don’t get me wrong, I have had, and still have, so many Michael Buble moments of “And I’m surrounded by.. A million people I.. Still feel all alone..” So cliche I know, but it’s true. It’s incredible what people can do to a life once they learn all about it.. and more so, how much people need it. In life, what people want most is acceptance and understanding. And even though you can seriously be surrounded by many great people, that doesn’t mean you receive either of those. The hardest part in all this, is finding those people that you can share your life with..

Having been accustomed to a traveling lifestyle as a child, and living a 50/50 life of East Coast, West Coast, the only thing I really strived on accomplishing was being part of a family. From the minute that plane hit NH soil back in 1994, I dreamed of moving back to the Golden State because that’s where I thought my family was, and that’s where I belonged. Yet in the 18 years I lived in the East, I never realized that I was creating the family I always wanted.. one who loved me unconditionally, with no obligation, no expectation.. just love.

And I cannot wait to squeal like a 5yr old when I see all you loves of my life♥

“The most important thing in life is your family. There are days you love them, and others you don’t. But, in the end, they’re the people you always come home to. Sometimes it’s the family you’re born into and sometimes.. it’s the one you make for yourself.” -Sex&theCity

theres only one way to go at this point right?

~ NewBeginnings ~ 2 Comments

I’m hoping its UP.

Is it possible to be living opposite of the rest of the world? Like when things are going well for me.. I notice more disappointment and frustration around me.. lots of bad days explained. And, of course, I am not going to begin divulging all my awesomeness about work, life, love, vacation planning, or whatever.. so I enjoy my happiness alone all the while waiting for the rest of the world to catch up so we can share stories.

But like all things, there is also an inverse. So in these moments of self-frustration, and slight-dissapointment in my life, why is it that everyone around me seems to be at the top of their game? I thought misery loved company?! So why is it I always seem to fall at the opposite end of this happy-sad seesaw party..? And of course I never want to make people miserable just so I can be happy again, so all my senses are confused all the time.

I blame it on my natural tendency to be different. I have never followed the pack, expectations, none of it. With being an individual, it sure hits home when I hear that it is lonely at the top. Little do “they” tell you, though (whoever “they” are..) that it’s sure as heck lonely at the bottom too.

And for those of you reading this who know me.. you’re probably all thinking.. “oh Posh.. why are you being overdramatic about small mishaps in your life?!” Well HA I just punked you, because not only have the recent Boston events crushed my little heart, but yah, random rom com moments have happened, disappointments even, but more so, what no one sees.. ok maybe just one person has seen it all with me.. and that person, I KNOW doesn’t think I’m being overdramatic.. because all I have to say to this love-of-my-life-bestie is “FOR REALS?! IS THIS REAL LIFE?! THIS TOO?! UGH.” It’s like my past and present decided to have a pillow fight. Like Carrie said, “The universe may not always play fair, but at least it’s got a hell of a sense of humor.” True story right there.

Because really, if I told everyone, everything that was going on in my life.. where would all my mystery go!? And that also turns into a whole lot of one-sided conversations.. and I don’t like talking to myself.. although it is rather interesting, it’s not nearly as educational or inspiring.

So point being, my inner-disapointments go far beyond what people see or hear from me on the daily. I guess thats an obvious, but you’d be surprised at how many times I’ve experienced an “I know everything about you” moment from people who can barely scratch the surface of the awesomeness that I entail.

Anyway, back to the original question in all this.. Is it possible to be living life opposite of the world? Living as the un-balanced? Is there a reason for this if thats the case? To always provide an opposing side maybe? To remind people that there is always better or worse? To keep other people balanced? I don’t know but I’ll tell you one thing, I surely hope that with all my current internal misery, I’m at least entertaining the rest of you.

Cheers!

“Sometimes life will grab you by the balls and that’s when you have to ask yourself, ‘Do I even have balls, and if so, why are there two?’” ~Chelsea Handler

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~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment


I’ve been experiencing a lot of emotional randomness the past few days..

I know the reasons why.. they have led me to re-think about what I am looking for in life.

I hate days like today.. well, I mean hate is a strong word.. But today created more emotional turmoil inside me. I don’t want to over-saturate all the stories, articles, and blogs about Boston, but I do like to take these moments to remind people what is important in life. People. Love.

picstitchboston

I don’t think I have missed Boston or New England more than I did today. There was an ache inside me, imagining the pain and suffering many people went through this morning. Imagining the city I love so much, the sports teams I grew up with and spent the majority of my adult life cheering on.. Imagining pieces of it blown up. Pieces that I have been a part of, I have walked by.. streets I have walked down.

In the end, in all the memories, I remember the people. Thats what I miss and love the most. The people. Because that is what’s important in life. People. Love.

I love you, people of Boston. I’m thinking about you and praying for you.. Although you probably don’t need it from me.. because, You, are stronger than I am.

“..It takes only seconds to change a life.”

Cheers ❤

days like today..

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

i miss bacon mac n cheese.

i miss breakfast. specifically at Parkers.

i miss good beer.

i miss being a regular in a bar and having the bartender not only knowing my name and my drink.. but also knowing and enjoying my latest personal rom com story.

i miss spoon signs. and signs in general. for volleyball games and concerts. i made the best signs. i have witnesses.

i miss making friends.

i miss cookie-cakes.

i miss baristas who write ‘karamel’ on my cup.

i miss chivalry.

i miss smoking cloves at TGIFridays.

i miss going out for drinks after work.

i miss college.

i miss volleyball. and coaching.

i miss sunrises.

i miss new england.. people. ❤

breaking up is hard to do.

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I planned on waiting a few days before blogging about the big Ray Allen news but I just couldn’t hold it in any longer.

I figured after a couple of days, emotions would be settled, and maybe I could write about it without any real emotion from myself, just knowledge. However, after seeing Ray’s picture with Rashard Lewis holding up their Heat uniforms yesterday, a wildfire of emotions came through me. I almost cried. It was like when I broke up with my high school boyfriend and then finding out three weeks later that he was seeing someone new. I remember thinking, “you said you LOVED me!” I wanted to see this girl.. I needed to know if I was better than she was. Seeing Ray with that jersey.. aside from the pain, was the same as seeing that girl. I was flooded with teenage girl emotions all over again. But she was not better than me, and that jersey definitely looked better in GREEN. With a 20 on it. No matter what the Heat bring to the table this coming season, they aren’t Boston, they aren’t LA, they aren’t even the Bulls.. they aren’t much of anything other than a basketball organization who has great players. And as many sports enthusiasts can vouch, having great players doesn’t mean you have a great team.

Growing up in southern california, I was born into a family of Laker fans, and I of course, was also a fan. Part of me still is, when Boston isn’t a contender, but really, when does that happen? 😉 My family can’t understand how this happened, but living in the Boston area for almost 18 years now, it only took time before my blood would start to bleed Green. The competition with my family is always fun though, it was especially exciting in the 2008 and 2010 finals. As big of rivals Boston and LA are.. and as intense as their competition is, I would have rather seen Ray put on Yellow and Purple. I would have taken the beating from my family and all the snide remarks that came with it. Really I, and probably every other Celtics fan, would have rather seen Ray go anywhere but to the Heat. Boston has history, and to-date, the most banners hanging from the rafters. Year after year, the Celtics and the Lakers are always considered hopefuls even when they have a bad season. It took negotiations and top-ranked players to make Miami what it is today, and even so, it’s only been that way for about 2-3 years.  Call me spoiled, but I’m just happy I was able to be part of the two best NBA teams in the country. 🙂

Back to Ray breaking up with us.. I was upset when I first heard the news, maybe not as upset as some people I know, but upset nonetheless. The reason I say  it this way is because, as a person, I am fairly level headed when it comes to emotions toward athletes or celebrities. Really, what have they done for me other than entertain? Im not saying Ray did not impact the Celtics, or their fans, I am just saying its not worth a jersey burning, because yes, he DID impact the Celtics during his time here. But honestly, when I saw that jersey in his hands, that smile on his face, I’m telling you, I felt cheated on. There was a small part of me who wanted to pull out a lighter.

The hardest part about all of this is the “WHY!?” Just like my sad high school break up, I wanted answers. All of Boston wanted answers. A lot of scrutiny came out calling Ray “The new Johnny Damon.” (Johnny Damon left the Red Sox for the Yankees a fews years back.. right into our rivals arms) However, in conversation with someone dear to me, it was said that “No, its not like Johnny Damon, because Damon left for more money. You can never fault someone for doing that because in that situation, we would all do it.” Im sure there is a small percentage of people who would claim loyalty and stay, but either way.. Ray left us for LESS. So I can assume that what is eating away at Celtics fans is that Ray left for personal reasons.. and unfortunately no matter what ESPN or local sports networks can spew out, i.e. Ray leaving because he was almost traded the past few years, Ray didn’t get along with Rondo.. gossip, gossip. Even our own speculation as fans doesn’t matter because the only people who will know the real reason of Ray’s break-up with Boston is Ray, his wife, and most likely his agent. Thats it.

As Celtics fans, we will all be upset, we will hate to see that jersey.. red or green. We will never understand why.. Time will pass, wounds may be re-opened, but somehow, at some point, we will let go. Letting go is the best at this point because our concern right now should not be about Ray Allen, but instead, Rondo, Pierce, and Garnett. Like any break-up, you eventually have to let go but you always remember what you had, and what you still have.

GO Cs!