Tag: blogging

ghost of everyday pasts (unedited)

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

The holidays bring about many emotions. One in particular is, I mean, not unhealthy necessarily, but is one reason many people get depressed: Nostalgia.

Now don’t get me wrong, being nostalgic is wonderful in many cases, it reminds you of good times, times you often forget about in childhood, wonderful traditions that bring a warm fuzzy feeling.. But what people tend to forget when you blast yourself into the past is, that you’re not there anymore. I know that seems a little obvious, but this is something I realized more this year than any other year.

I read somewhere once, something along the lines of: It’s ok to feel.. immerse yourself in the emotion, then let it go, do not dwell, do not live there.

The holidays, however, we try and live there. And I mean, this can go all year long really, with any moment that triggers a memory, but the holidays we just feel more. It’s an emotional time in general. You remember times that you will never have again, people who have left, and warmth that never seems to feel as warm.

This by no means is a problem, hence, nostalgia.. but remember not to dwell, or linger, or live there. So many times we fall into the memory hole and forget the blessings in front of you. And thats not to say discount your feelings of the past, but for some reason, generally speaking, people are so fascinated by what happened yesterday, 3 years ago, or even when we were 2. I know I may have written about this concept before that: if you focus on yesterday, how will you make new friends, meet your soulmate, have babies even?! Those moments are now. Things are happening all the time, every second of every day.

I know there are fears of forgetting people, or even ourselves.. being afraid that once we leave this world our impact will be forgotten. The spirit of anyone who has lived any sort of life, lives on in what we do in their memory. Their impact on us is what lives on. My Nana, for example, I was missing her more than I ever expected recently. I’ll say the reason is because my anxiety was real bad this year. She was the one person in my life, from what I’ll always remember, that no matter how terrible we thought life was, and I mean, I remember when I was younger complaining about everything under the sun, from stupid boys, to high school angst.. and even when I got divorced and I was embarrassed at myself, and thought I was a miserable human being, she was always the person who would acknowledge the pain, the problem, but then remind me that I was stronger than any of those things. Her cup always runneth over, and she would always say things like, “well there’s nothing you can do about it now,” and “you’ll find something better,” or “I never worry about my Kara because she always figures it out.” Another was, “my Kara, always doing wonderful things,” lol. And all of that is paraphrasing obvi, because, it’s the past, we physically can’t remember every detail of every moment, so I’m sure I missed a lot in those conversations. And this is why we can’t live there, in the past, because even what we do remember is never 100% accurate. (Why live in a lieeee lol you get my point)

Anyway, I chose to keep that goodness in me and spread the same sort of ideals as she did. Now, is my execution as good as what I remember of Nana? Probably not, or maybe it’s better? I have no real way of knowing, but those moments impacted me enough to know that the way we view things can really affect how we react to them. And just as the fact of, “there’s nothing you can do about it now,” is so true about anything, even moments as recent as a minute ago. So just as Nana tried to instill in us that today is a new day, and tomorrow can even be better, that lives on, at least in me (to new beginnings!!). And if I make any sort of impact on others, that spirit continues on.

So bringing this full circle, when you find yourself lingering in moments that no longer spark joy, or even ones that do, remember that even good memories are selective, and come back and see what’s in front of you. Life comes in waves, and the things that no longer serve you, or even things that are just no longer relevant, always come back in some way. Let them pass, feel them flow through, all the good, all the bad, remember not to dwell, do not live there. Because before you know it, you’re either under water, or trying to swim back to shore. Just let it flow through, and enjoy the beautiful view that is in front of you.

In the spirit of the the holidays, stay present, my friends ❤

another anxiety post (unedited)

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I have such a hard time with people who don’t have the capacity to empathize with others, in this particular instance, I’m talking about mental illness. I don’t expect anyone to completely understand how this feels (unless they go through it themselves, of course, but even then, how it happens is different to everyone, and the outcomes are also different) but I always hope that the people around me are conscious enough to stay away from the obligatory: “But today is good right?” “Have you tried..” And the worse of them all, “It’s gonna be ok.”

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Not that people in my situation don’t know that things will eventually be ok, but that does not help the situation if someone is currently in a struggle. You have no idea how much I appreciate people who don’t try and give me advice, or try and  “fix” my issues. Because no one can fix them, it’s a mental thing! I am the holder of my thoughts, and it is I, who is the one who can “fix” anything, if there is anything that needs fixing, that is. But to those who listen, and talk through things, and share experiences themselves, no matter how relatable or not.. THOSE are my people. In life, we will never be able to save everyone, I learned that the hard way. But we can support, and accept, and LISTEN.

It took me a long time to realize that no one could “help” me. I kept thinking a boyfriend, or my friends, my Dr’s, my Therapist, were there to make this better and “fix” it. It was, not scary per say, but maybe.. no, it was a little scary, lol, but also enlightening to know I was the holder of my emotions, and that no one but myself can make me “better”. Not that others can’t help in other ways, but to assume an outside being was going to “save” me, that’s just pure cray, cray.

A wonderful person in my life talked me through and reminded me of all the good that happened this year because I was focusing so much on the downside, as this was a very difficult year emotionally. Lots of therapy, lots of anxiety, lots of depression, lots of loneliness. I did appreciate the talk, but also didn’t know how to vocalize that I know I am overly blessed. I know all the good, all the travel and amazing trips I went on this year, all the moments with my babies and watching them grow. Trust me, I know. I experienced them, I was there, lol. But thats the thing with mental illness, it pokes at the positives. I literally feel like I have a devil and an angel on my shoulders. There are days I have literally yelled (in my brain and even vocally) NOT TODAY SATAN!!

Over the weekend, I had another, lets call it.. episode. Doing something completely normal no less, and what I would consider an ideal situation. I was doing laundry on Saturday, and was pumped to find the laundromat empty with only about 3 people doing laundry. YES! Two of them were finishing up, and I had the place just about to myself.

When I started finishing up, the last person there had gone off, and it was wonderful and quiet, I live for these laundry days! UNTIL, out of nowhere, I became panicked. Any other day this moment was a moment of celebration, so I was yelling at my brain like, “The fuck bruh, why you stressin?!” And in the moments following, I had the biggest bout of anxiety with a fear that someone was going to come and try and steal me (for those who know anything about me, this is a normal, yet strange, fear of mine, lol – but it has never really created panic, its just been a thing I know about myself).

Anyway, I started rushing, kept breathing, focusing on my breath, I could feel my heart beating, I kept telling myself I’m fine.. and then RAN OUT OF THERE.

This, people, this is a snippet of what anxiety is all about. It is unexplainable to the masses, and many people think you’re cray. Like how do you explain this completely irrational moment to someone without feeling like an idiot?! Because I know the emotion is ridiculous, but I can’t always control it. And when things like this happen, I feel bad for myself, and sometimes end up in depression. I could barely get out of bed the next 38hrs. I do try and force myself out, to do an errand or two, but always end up home, and feeling trapped.

The night of this incident, I unexpectedly caught up with an old friend from college, and he said to me: “Wow, I never thought you had issues or anxiety over anything, you’re always so positive.” I laughed and said, “Yah, I’m that PSA where they say it’s “always the happy one, the funny one, the positive one.” But he actually had a hard time grasping that I, the positive one could feel and understand his issues so well. I never said this, but wanted to say, “Well, THAT’S HOW I understand so much!”

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This blog has turned from emotional venting, to relationship venting, (those posts always make me smile, lol) to dealing with anxiety. I guess it makes a little sense because life evolves, and just as this blog was intended, every moment of our lives is a new beginning, so it only makes sense that content also evolves.

But one thing will never change: Every moment literally is a New Beginning. And just like every moment of crippling anxiety, I have to remind myself, tomorrow can be, and will be different. This is why New Years is just a reason to party for me. So many times in life has a New Beginning not come on January 1st. Moving to SoCal is one of those moments, getting a new job is another. We don’t wait around and start our lives in January, so why the build up?

Anyway, I digress.. point of today was to share a story, to help maybe provide some more insight in the world of what people like me go through. Maybe this helps someone who thinks they are equally cray, I gotchu.

In a world trying to grow a culture of acceptance, remember those who do not show their illnesses, those who are embarrassed of their “problems”, those who don’t know how to explain what is going on. Be kind, be supportive, and sometimes, just be there.

Stay kind my friends, xoxo

❤

wheres miranda when i need her (unedited)

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Sex & the City – Season 2 Episode 10

One of my absolute favorite episodes because it truly explains how women are (many times) punished for their success. I know I’ve blogged about this concept before, but in the midst of Tswift’s The Man, and just my recent experiences, I was compelled to write about another sleeve of this double standard.

I go to a local bar.. it’s my very own Cheers.. everyone knows my name. I tip well, and have made some.. acquaintances, if you will. What fascinates me though, is even though I tip rather well (20-50% depending on the day) I do not get the same respect or treatment as male regulars. And mind you, I’ve been, and still am, a regular at many places, but this place in particular, I notice the difference.

Maybe because the type of bar it is? Maybe because the the traffic that comes through? I don’t know, but what I DO know is, when it’s busy I am patient and understanding, and I don’t let the busyness deter me from tipping well or taking it personal. But I also always notice other regulars who frequent this place.. almost all of whom are male.. are still always taken care of in a timely manner.

Now, don’t get me wrong.. women are different personality-wise by nature.. but is that any reason to take advantage of those qualities? I know for a fact I make the same, if not more, than many of those men who frequent this place, but yet, my dollar is undermined by the fact that I’m a female. Even by female staff no less!

Why does society hate successful women? Why must I BE understanding if I’m served after a man? Even fellow women can’t stand successful women! *face_palm* No one questions the man who shows up every night to have a cocktail and sits at the bar for a few hours, yet I receive looks and questions of why I’m there so often. This then turns into “jokes” which in turn just shows that women aren’t allowed to “act” like men.

HOW ABOUT WE JUST ACT LIKE PEOPLE. PEOPLE WHO HAVE STRESSFUL JOBS THAT MAKE THEM WANT TO DRINK.

I understand this post is slightly 2-fold: treatment and success. But many times it comes hand-in-hand. This even more frustrates me that I am constantly judged for both.

I don’t think there’s much moral to this story due to the fact that my situation, and the situations of other successful women won’t change overnight. But I guess use this as a reminder of inequality and societal stigma that is sadly still ingrained even in this new generation of “activists” and “free thinkers”.

It costs nothing to be kind.

✌🏻

that time i was smarter than my smart phone

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

July 14th was a very special day, it was a Sunday. I actually can’t even type that with a straight face. Thinking about it makes me laugh.. and cry.. and cry some more, lol. The night of the 14th I had one of the worst anxiety attacks I’ve had in a long time. I had the worst dream, waking up at like 3am literally soaked in my own sweat. So bad, that I had to get out of bed and change.

Long story short, after some wild txt, social media insanity, work needs and an adjustment of my schedule, I turned my phone off from Tuesday, the 16th at 2pm until Sunday, the 28th at 12pm. Not only was this quite a learning experience, but also a bucket of realizations.

Some major points:

  • Time and directions
  • Honesty
  • Priorities
  • **How you feel about yourself never changes

Time and Directions. If I’m being honest, this was really the only downfall of the two weeks, haha. I never realized how much I needed a watch (totally bought myself a watch 😉 ). But really, I’d always wanted one anyway.. and this solidified a reason to purchase. Traffic more than directions was my other issue here. If you know me at all, you know that the minute I go anywhere once, I will find it again. Will I get lost in the process? Possibly, but I will still make it without directions. It really only matters when trying to find somewhere I’ve never been.. three times I had to either print or write down some google maps madness, lol. But the checking of traffic.. man, having to consider a worse-case scenario every time I travel wastes a little time, and sometimes, it still made me late.

Honesty. One of my fav servers said to me (paraphrasing): “that’s scary, it’s one thing to tell the truth, it’s another to be honest.” As we continued conversation, turns out people are afraid of honesty yet want the truth. <<insert.confused.emoji.here>>

Honesty: Expressing your feelings and opinions accurately.
Truth: Accurate representation of reality. (Facts)

Exhibit A: Truth – no I don’t remember your name

Exhibit B: Honesty – no I don’t remember your name because I wasn’t interested in remembering it

This was the hardest. Because in life, I’ll guestimate 99% of us use our phones as a barrier to people we don’t want to interact with in public – in the waiting room at the Dr office, the bus, the train, at the bar waiting for friends.. etc. I go out alone all the time, especially to my regular locations. But going to a bar alone as a woman, even in 2019, is THE.WORST. I never win. I either talk just to be polite, ruining my own time, or I use my phone as an excuse and get berated by men because of it. Without a phone, and having my anxiety higher than normal, I had no choice but to finally be honest with people. I actually told a guy I was not interested in his conversation and that he could still talk, but I didn’t care. That one actually went well. Another however, (from the exhibit above) pretty much tried to make me feel bad because I didn’t remember him from 4 months ago. FOUR MONTHS. Although I wished I was a little more honest with that one, lol, it ended with him practically yelling at me and calling me a terrible person.

Overall I didn’t hate the experience though. I appreciated having to learn how to talk to people again, and being conscious of explanation. Even though most of the experiences probably increased my anxiety, lol, in the end I felt better putting my emotions out there so I didn’t have to deal with these people again if I didn’t want to. Fakeness doesn’t look good on me.

Priorities. Just as these random people I don’t care to be friends with, or anything else for that matter, reminded me about what was important, I also learned how important I was to others. And I guess this could all be relative, this “important” idea. Because most people didn’t know my phone was off until it was “too late” if you will. It was interesting to see though, people that did freak out a little who noticed I had “disappeared” and those I never heard from. Either way, the whole point was to escape for a while. But I did tell some people, work for example, so they didn’t think I was being rude. I told my brother and sister-in-law, and my besties. Others found out as the days were going either because someone would mention it or I had to explain myself. So if there were any emergencies, everyone knew to either email me or message me on one particular social media. That was the thing too, I realized social media meant nothing to me. I will talk about that a little more as I close out this post.

But in deciding who to tell, and who “didn’t matter” was strange. Because some people I wanted to tell, not like they don’t matter, but some people are just noise. And I’m also not saying it’s all bad noise.. but noise all the same. My trainer for example, texts me all the time to see how I’m doing, and that’s fine, but the thing is, why do I feel the NEED to respond? It’s not “important”. But my anxiety always makes me feel obligated to respond to everything all the time at that moment. So I learned not to respond to messages other than those I needed, like making plans, confirming locations, letting people know I got home safe.

This also reminded me of 2 things: how sad our society is, but also how much love is out there.

The nights I went out I saw both examples. One night I went to a show at the House of Blues. A bunch of fans were there of course, but it was amazing how many people were literally just filming, or live streaming the entire freakin set with their phones. Like, get out of my way so I can jump around, sing along, and SEE the band. I don’t want to look at your phone all night, and it’s sad that this is how you experience life RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. But on the other hand, I was at the bar one night, and I had nothing to do at that point but people watch. I looked around and I felt like I was in the opening credits of Love Actually. “If you look for it, I’ve got a sneaky feeling you’ll find that love actually is all around.” -HG. Seriously, It was like slo-mo watching people NOT on their phones, talking, laughing, genuinely enjoying their time with people. You could see first dates, some hoping they were on dates, and many friends just getting together.

Priorities. Would you rather live your life in the moment, or through a screen? Do you live for experiences, or just for the IG? And again, priorities are really a relative idea, because what is important is different to all of us, but the question is, are you putting the things that give you life priority? The things, people, experiences, that make you smile. Or are you constantly putting tasks, or negative energy first? Work over family, “old” friends over good friends, or an ex over a new possibility? This was an eye opener for me because I no longer had something to distract me.

How You Feel About Yourself. One thing is for sure.. no matter phone off or on.. the way you feel about yourself will not change. Like I mentioned before, social media wasn’t my problem. We are constantly looking for a reason to why we view ourselves the way we do.. not saying that social media doesn’t play a part with all the “fake news” but no matter what you look at everyday, or read.. when you get home, alone in your room, the only thing you compare yourself to is what you were yesterday.. or 3 years ago.. At least for me, those fitness models don’t make me feel bad about about myself, a picture from 5yr ago makes me feel bad about myself.. getting (or even not getting) txt and messages from all the wrong people don’t make me sad, my insecurities make me sad. I am the only thing I can control, and I am the only person who can change me.

This was the largest epiphany of the two weeks. As much as we distract ourselves from “reality” through our phones, we forget it’s how we react to reality that causes most of our problems.

annie

Mental health and all, we still create our means to our ends. And I’m not going to tell any of you to turn your phones off for two weeks, but I will say this:

Whatever you use as a distraction, phone, Netflix, computer, social media, etc.. just remember what it is, and what it should be. Technology was created to help society, use it for that. Skyping with your favorite people who live in another state, being able to see vaca pics from your bestie while she is away, keeping up with your nieces’ and nephews’ 852493740 activities and sporting events so you can keep being a proud auntie/uncle. Try NOT to use it for distraction. Talk to people, be honest with them. In a society filled with messages of accepting others, live it, don’t just talk about it. Change happens with action not talk.

And there it is. Action. I came to a point in my mental health where I realized I needed to take action. As drastic or not as turning off a phone may be, I needed to do something for me. I needed to take care of myself, I needed to remember that you can’t fill from an empty cup. I may live with this the rest of my life, but for what I can control, I know I can “escape” and the world will still turn, and I will still have another chance tomorrow.

I mean, I’m also not going to say don’t turn your phone off for two weeks, because realizing how amazing and scary it was, definitely was eye opening. From feeling free, to being scared that I might get into a car accident and can’t call for help – like all things, there was good and bad. And learning to cope with both was helpful in realizing how much I can control myself, and my reactions.

So remember my friends, take care of yourselves, whether conventional or crazy. Do you boo. And also remember it’s people who are important, not the devices you use communicate with them.

 

❤

 

 

it’s not me.. it’s you.

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Here’s a little story that I dedicate to all the “Debbie Downers” out there.

Those who know even a little bit about me, know that I can be a hardcore, CAPITAL – B, bold, italic, underlined, BITCH. I cut people out of my life, I fight for what I believe is to be true << true is the key word here. But sometimes I just like to fight. I’ve made terrible decisions in my day, and have paid my dues many times over thanks to Karma. As people, we are not perfect. I have learned to accept this in others, yet it still baffles me why the majority are still hung up on this thing called perfection. You know “perfection” is a relative term right?

Anywhoo other things that people know about me is that I have anxiety and depression. It hinders many a day, and from April thru June, there were days I never even left my bed, aside from the one forceful pull out to get food because I didn’t really feel like causing my own sad death. One.meal.a.day, people.

One last fun thing to mention is that even if you’ve just had one awkward conversation with me, you’ll also know that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am loyal to a fault. And the best thing I do, is that I provide too much information too soon. I have factual evidence regarding this dating back to, at least, 2000/2001, lol. (one day I’ll write a story about that Filene’s break room conversation, thank you always, Patrick 😉 ) I just love learning about people and showing that I care. I love creating deep conversations, for the sake of learning, and to understand people better. More than anything, I never want others to feel that I am not being truthful so I try and give of myself as best I can.

Point is – with my good, there is my bad – or maybe it can be seen as, with my bad, there is my good. The funny thing about these “faults” of mine is that even through my darkest of days, my bitchiest of attitudes, I somehow have a feeling of realistic positivity. Some might say it’s a choice, I choose realistic positivity. So here’s the hilarious thing – more people can’t stand me when I’m positive (especially during “imperfect” times) vs when I’m negative. Misery really does love company. More so, I then get these people who think I have this perfect little life, see this post. Even more hilarious is when I do post some darker things, like anxiety, depression, emotional distress, and coping with loss, people then think I’m just looking for attention. I can’t win. Hence, it’s not Me, it’s YOU.

I almost always have a sense of realistic-positivity (almost, because again, I’m not perfect). But because I’m not an idiot, or I’d like to think I’m not at least, lol, I get that all positivity can’t come to fruition (realism 🙂 ), however, you can always choose to focus on the pieces that can.

Example: I am sick – I have been sick 3 times this year, and this recent one is going on about 6 weeks. I get sick because I have high stress. My stress turns into anxiety, and sometimes if I fall, it then becomes depression. I am on a bunch of meds at the moment, including an inhaler to try and get me better this time around. I was pretty down on myself Friday, and felt it even more yesterday. All I wanted to do was go to the beach and stare at the ocean before the world woke up. Little did I remember, there was a 10k race happening, roads were closed and parking was all taken. This made me even more sad. It wasn’t even 8am. 😦 I decided to just go to breakfast since I was out, that way I could also take my 7, yes SEVEN pills that I needed to take that morning.

I got home by about 9:30am. Honestly, I was frustrated. On a “bad day” I literally would have just gone back to bed and pout. But I told myself, “I can go tomorrow, I’ll get up even earlier and beat them all to the sand” (realistic-positivity). Since I was home, I decided to read a Class Action Settlement letter that I got in the mail while I was away on vacation. It was for a faulty part on my car and I realized I am part of it, and can submit a claim. I pull out all my invoices and realize that my shop did the SAME.EXACT.SERVICE in February AND recently in July. I was like: wha? I paid an extra 1k on this?! Was there a problem with the first one!? This made me upset – the day was already sad, was it getting worse? I called my shop half angry, yet half patient, to see what they would say. I was finally connected to one of the guys who I always deal with, and he found my two invoices. He apologized profusely and is refunding me the double charge. Because either way, if there was an issue, they never should have charged me twice. And I am still eligible for this claim, so in the end, I could get all my thousands back for the original replacement!

Kid you not, I hung up the phone, and started to laugh. I looked up at the cosmos and literally almost started to cry. My exact words to my sister-in-law were: “Seriously, this is such a weird emotional moment of depression and hope lol.”

But also seriously – This is what gratefulness and a little bit of positivity can get you. With every bad, dark day, we have a good day. With every terrible experience, we have an amazing one. It’s life’s balance. Because again, none of us are perfect. We make mistakes, we are mean sometimes, but we can also choose to be kind. We can choose to love, and we can choose to keep the light inside us through all our storms. Our imperfect moments may come around, but our “perfect” moments are close behind. I truly believe my small bout of hope and positivity helped with this karmic circle.

So call me crazy, call me obnoxious, call me whatever you please, but I would rather believe there is something better, a new beginning, if you will 😉 to look forward to – than to accept pain and suffering, or something as simple as assuming a whole day is ruined. All negativity does is keep us from enjoying fully the best moments we encounter because we are always waiting for the backhand.

But all you have to do is turn your head forward, and you’ll miss getting slapped. 😉

roses

Stay positive, my friends. It’s not easy, I understand, but it has a WAY better outcome than negativity. I have seen with my own eyes that what you give will always be what you receive. And with all the crap Iv’e dealt with the past few months, I’m just happy that my good energies seem to be making their way back to me.

 

❤

I don’t know what to call this

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

The past is a funny thing.

I leave in two weeks on a jet plane.. and DO know when I’ll be back again.. And every trip I take, especially if it exceeds 3 days, I always clean up my apartment. Every piece of laundry gets done – especially towels and sheets. I dust like I’ve never dusted before, and go through corners of my place I haven’t looked at since the last trip.

And every time.. I swear it never fails.. I always find a certain photo album (or two).. wait, do y’all know what photo albums are?! Lol. These particular ones are stored on the shelf of one of my tables. And I have to move them to dust all the corners. I don’t clean this thorough every time as I mentioned, but I’ll be away for a bit this time. So anyway, if I’m getting this OCD, I of course open them.

The years range from college until about 2006 or 2007 I think? Which were my years of bad decisions.. and hilarity, if I’m gonna be honest lol. Looking through, there were SO MANY emotional moments, good memories, and several uncomfortable pulls to the heart strings.

I remember other times looking through these and thinking, “If I could have one day back there..”

But now, whether it be letting a lot of that go, (which I have been working on as we know) or just being extremely happy and grateful where I am now, I didn’t have that thought pop in my head.

It was weird really. Because there are still so many good feelings from those days and I sort of felt bad thinking, “Why would I NOT want to spend just one more day there?” But of course, I know why. If there is just one thing I’ve learned these past, what did I say in my last post? 60 days? Lol, is that the past is exactly what it is – past tense. Behind us. Not happening now.

And as much as my heart warmed to see a few old faces, and even searching (and finding!) someone on Facebook, (although I don’t think it’s someone I can be “friends” with) with happiness to see them doing well – from a social media standpoint, that is – I just sat there, looked around me, remembered what I was doing, and thought about the current people in my life. More so, realizing that 2 of my people are people from those times, and know WAY TOO MUCH about me, Lol.

Point is, I’m here now. So much of our time is spent talking or thinking about yesterday that sometimes we forget what’s happening in front of us. Or even, what possibilities are waiting for us tomorrow. And as I’m learning how important it is to allow your past to be free, today was a great reminder because of how far I’ve come.

Don’t get me wrong, reminiscing is wonderful. Wondering how people are doing is wonderful. So many moments from yesterday are wonderful. But as wonderful (or not) the past may be, we have to remember not to stay there too long because even the “good” can hold you back from the “better” that today and tomorrow have.

And some may argue about people coming back and moments resurfacing, but be mindful, a person from your “past” that you see today, is now a person in your “present”. Make sense? I mean I can’t tell you if that’s a good decision or not, lol, maybe it’s a career contact? But point is, every day is a new beginning. Every day you are farther away from birth. Life changes in seconds, never mind minutes. So to be worried about or trying to relive anything from yesterday just holds you back from where you are now, which is where you are meant to be.

__________________________________________

UPDATE!

I never posted this, so.. I’ll pick up where I left off.

I went on that trip, lol and re-reading this draft was perfect because the trip was perfect. I saw MANY people from my “past” whether planned or unplanned. And I roamed land I haven’t seen in YEARS.

It was honestly one of the best trips I have had in a while. And it’s a perfect ending to this post. Because one of the best parts of this trip was realizing the whole “past” and “present” idea. And how we, as people, never change. Life does. What we do does, who we keep close with does, careers change, but our innate personalities and beings do not.

More so, how we interact or connect with people – it does change, but when you have certain people in your life, what’s that I said? “We picked up where we left off.. it’s like we never stopped talking.”

Yes! This is where past and present collide. The people you feel this way about, they are meant to be in the present. Seriously – a few people I saw the past week, it literally was like – what year is it?! Our lives may have changed, but we still had those connections – nothing forced, just the comfort of something that feels like it’s meant to be here today. At one point during my first night in town after an amazing surprise.. I said, “I’m just sitting here trying to figure out how the hell the 4 of us ended up here, lol!” Because we were not sitting there living in yesterday, we were there in the present, talking, reminiscing, making new memories. When it came to memories, the conversation tied more to where we are now, and how far we all have come. It was today we were experiencing, and embracing, and talking about. And then we started to plan for tomorrow.

So I guess to bring this full circle, the past is where it is for a reason. Let it go. Find closure. Keep your heart open and let it pass through. But people – I hate being super cheese but, if people are meant to be, they never stay behind. They never “come back.” Time may pass, but connections never fade. They are always here. In the present.

And this is where we should be focused to stay, present. Everyday is a new beginning.

My dear friends, use that to your advantage.

 

❤

 

can I use expletives?

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Because I would love to.

I had a conversation with a co-worker just the other day, and almost blogged at that very moment. We were talking about the many “changes” I am going through, “updates” if you will. And he asked, “Why do you care so much about what other people think?!” (It was more a stern statement, like, “Kara, WTF”) Because I have kept most a secret.. hence all my phases and reveals lol. This in turn made me think of my most favorite quote:

IMG_5513

I know I’ve posted this before, and talked about it, but it is all too relevant. Because yes, this is why I keep things to myself sometimes – People ruin beautiful things.

And by “ruin beautiful things”, our conversation continued into the terrible-ness of society and how if we walked into the mall at that very moment in our suits, we would be treated WAY differently than our weekend clothes. We are judged. All The Time. This co-worker also owns a home, and when he first moved, he received questions from his neighbors of: “Oh who owns this property? Or blatant “Are you renting?” Low and behold the shocked faces when he states he owns it. Even worse, when they ask what he does for a living and he answers.. their expressions turn into “ooohhhh ok, makes sense.” MAKES SENSE?!

I rent, and I am 8 years older than said co-worker (but look 10 years younger, lol). So my question is, why is it that a 20-something yr old can’t own a home without having to explain how, or why? Why can’t people just understand that there are 20yr olds who started saving at 16 or even 45yr olds who may never be able to afford owning property at all?! You realize there are 7.5 BILLION people in this world. Another twist! I’ll bet you right now, you find millions 30yr old divorcee’s with NO CHILDREN. And more so millions of 18-20yr olds married with kids. So why does the “average” person make assumptions and judgements based on looks/age?

Why must we always have to explain ourselves? And why are there SO MANY discriminatory ideas of age!? I understand there are laws of the land, but these societal judgements have nothing to do with laws.. but more so media. It has been engrained in our minds that life is only “good” a certain way. Even these millennial/gen Z-ers who have coined the phrase “living my best life.” Are you though? Or are you just trying to blend in with the sheep?

People are so concerned with – Status-Quo – that they forget there are souls in each and every one of us. To use myself as an example, I look about about 10+ years younger than my actual age. Judgements against me go two ways:

  1. People are fascinated by the fact I look absurdly younger than my actual age. They see this as endearing, and that I take care of myself. I am also a fountain of knowledge, so until they realize my actual age, I’m just making 20yr olds look good lol. Also, I’ve only ever dated 2 guys older than me.
  2. I’ll be adulting.. like when I was buying a car, I was being treated like the 21yr old I look like. I had to be one of those people who are like.. LISTEN. I’M XX YEARS OLD. DON’T BS ME. Then attitudes change quick. From my job, to my age, attitudes always seem to change, for better or worse.

This is why I keep things to myself, because I’m tired of society judging me. I’m doing some things that, “don’t make sense”. Well hey, wanna know what’s better than Society’s Opinion?! MINE.

Honestly though, I feel bad for people who are actually in their 20s – I work with a lot of them. Because I can at least verify myself as NOT being one of them, to provide the “perception” that I’m not an idiot? Seriously.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!

Not that any of my words will change any of you reading this, but can we just take a step back every once in a while? Can we just see people for WHO THEY ARE?

For what their eyes say?

What their hearts feel?

What dreams they have, and values they hold on to?

Their actions?

I get we are in an electronic age, but lets start opening books again based on the story and words within the pages.. not the cover.

Remember what happens when we assume..?

 

❤

 

 

 

..

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

**wow, I started this almost two years ago.. and it is all still so relevant – especially the emotional distress lol, every few years.. so true!

____________________________________________________________________________________________

What does it really mean to give? To love?

Love is a constant topic on my blog. Mainly because I believe 90% of the population does not understand it, or they confuse it with some other emotion. I’m not sure where in my life this issue became such a focus and frustration to me, but I’ve had this feeling for a long time.

I have currently been experiencing another downward cycle of emotional distress. I understand myself fairly well, but every so often something happens inside me and I sort of snap. I cry for days, weeks even, and can’t control emotions. I know where it fuels from.. I have demons – don’t we all? But by nature I am a happy, realistically-positive person, which allows me to manage these dark emotions, but as mentioned, like all things, nothing lasts forever.. not even happiness. Thankfully, neither does distress, so I only encounter these, what I have so graciously coined as, the “darkest of times” periodically. It seems to happen every few years.. and usually its followed by some new energy that does one of two things: gets me in trouble, or sends me into an abyss of wild happiness.. or both, I guess.

I’m not there yet, not even close. I’m still milling in my brain why I’m not just filled with pancakes vs emotions. Emotions are tough, which brings me back to my initial sentence. To give.. to love..

Why has no one figured out that yes.. love is 1 Corinthians 13. It is all of it. Love is patient. Patience. The one virtue I swear almost everyone I know, including myself has a difficult time with.

<<end.old>>

____________________________________________________________________________________________

<<begin.new>>

Not exactly sure where I was going with this, but let’s go back to that last sentence – Why has no one figured out that Love is: 1 Corinthians 13? Because it’s tough. Like I said, emotions are tough. And for someone who throws down emotions like they’re bottomless mimosas on a Sunday morning, I can vouch the toughness.

I scare people. I frustrate people. I annoy people. A wonderful co-worker said it best: “Kara, your problem is that you give your all at the beginning of everything. And not many people can handle that.” << context here was relationships, but he was even talking normal friendships and work relationships. I do, I give everything right out the gates. I mean why not? Have you ever seen those parody commercials (I want to say it was for a credit card) where they caption, “Imagine if you were completely honest on a first date”. And it goes on with the girl who says, “I’m just here for a free dinner”, and the guy “I still live at home with my mother”. (or something like that)

See?! That isn’t a what-if for me.. it’s reality. Thankfully, I DON’T NEED NO MAN TO BUY ME DINNER, lol – So that piece would never happen to me. However, this is also why sometimes I’m quiet because I can’t think of the right things to say.

So I guess there’s part of my problem.. I def don’t think before I speak.. because everything for me is emotional, and my brain isn’t invited to the party.

Anyway, this is slowly coming back to the point of this pieced-together blog: What does it mean to give? To love? It means being uncomfortable. It means being vulnerable. It means being honest. Love is being patient. And what is Patience? It’s hard, thats what it is. But it also means making other people happy. Making yourself happy. Experiencing a state of euphoria that cannot be matched with any other experience. And for me, fulfilling my purpose to be of value to others.

My biggest downfall is that I take care of others before I take care of myself. But that is love – to give without expectation. << This leads me to a tiny note: theres that saying:

love hurts

The only thing I don’t quite agree with here, is the “cover up” part, but you see where I’m going here.. Love is NOT: sex, obsession, lust, crushes, infatuation, butterflies, sweaty palms, jealousy, I can go on..

If we can just remember that to Love and to Give are verbs, action words – then it should always be a reminder that it’s the people that you give to, you love.. that may be the issue. Not the giving of Love itself. How many of us have given or loved people who have not given the same in return!? Exactly. But giving and love are not about what you get in return. What’s that other quote?

“When you give and expect something in return, that is doing business not kindness”

There are a few variations of this that state love specifically, but you get the point.

To love and to give go hand-in-hand. So don’t be afraid to love, or feel in general. Just be patient, read all of 1 Corinthians 13, and remember that love and giving is about the act, not about the people.

cheers to love,

❤

 

stop listening

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

You know that saying:

ears

Yah, yah – we need to listen more than we talk.. and this is interesting really.. because it is a valid point to this post. I was going to dive into the idea that we need to STOP listening to others so much, and more of ourselves.. but this is a great point to note that people also need to STOP talking so much too.

mouthclosed

I guess with one truly comes the other.

I learned recently during what I like to call another “episode” of the Darkest of Times, and what a friend calls a “spring-crisis”, (or whatever season this seems to happen on) that for as much as I preach to myself to.. well.. listen to myself, I tend to take what others say more into consideration. And I’m not saying a second opinion isn’t worth it, but why are we always looking for that second opinion at all? Or worse, why are people giving us second opinions when we don’t want them? I know that when people care, they challenge us, to make us think outside ourselves or from a different perspective. And of course, I’m not saying that challenging an idea isn’t helpful either, but the people in our lives are supposed to support us. << Was that enough emphasis there? Lol.

And I understand that in supporting each other, we also need to challenge each other, however, many times we don’t realize, that sometimes people just need support. And to be listened to.

That’s it.

Sometimes an opinion is not what anyone is looking for. Many times, we already know the answer. Whether or not we want to act on those answers is another story.. but the point is, we know ourselves better than most. There may be a handful of people that border on “osmosis-through-the-brain” and may see things that we may have overlooked, but in the end, if we all sit in a dark room alone, we know or feel our truth.

I’m a feeler as we know (however creepy that may sound, lol) so the one thing I realized the past two weeks is that people kept providing me with logical answers. Answers from the brain, if you will. I’m not against my brain, but in my experience, when I have lived through my emotions vs my brain, I always end up happier.

My life-answers are always from the heart. My brain is only useful during actual logical situations.. like driving, following the rules of the road, work, professionalism, math, science. You get my drift. But at any time that matters of life are involved, for me, there is no truer way to live other than from your heart. Your instincts never let you down, even if you fall on your face. I’ve asked guys out, I’ve moved across the country, I’ve quit jobs, gone on last-minute road trips or flights to nowhere. So many of these emotion-driven decisions that resulted in some anxiety and stress, lol BUT ALSO c r a z y,  wonderful times ❤

And the crazy-wonderful is what I live for. I clearly have always figured it out. I can still feed myself, pay my rent, and clothe myself. But somewhere in the last two weeks, I thought it was better to use my brain than my heart. Sadly, and I guess, OBVI – it did not make me happy. I’m a giver, I’m a helper, I’m the worlds biggest supporter. I NEED to be there for people, even if they aren’t there for me. Does that make me crazy? I say no. It just makes the other people look bad. boom.

Long story, short. Stop listening.

Stop listening to the outside noises. Stop listening to your friends, your family, your co-workers. Yes, they are trying to help, and yes you can consider those ideas, but in the end, you are going to do whatever it is you will do anyway. So long as you accept those consequences – which I love, because that means I own my life – then live your best life for you.. and your heart.. and leave your brain on the kitchen table every now and then.

listentoyourheart

❤

 

priorities.

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Aside from my overly-optimistic mindset going into this new year, hilariously enough, this could be considered to NOT be one of my best years as of yet.

From a large addition to my workload in January, sickness when it was most inconvenient right after my vacation in February, then losing my grandmother at the end of Feb/early March, and down to the seriously painful fire of shin-splints, while trying to train for my first 10k. Which is in 5 weeks, mind you, and these shins are only allowing me to run 3days/week if I’m lucky. It’s like I can’t catch a break. Yet – when anyone asks.. I keep saying that considering my “small bumps” in the road, things are wonderful.

And really, I know several people who would hide in a hole if all these things happened at the same time – but I’m still – eh life is good. Lol.

Recently I think I have come full-circle on something though. And my “benefit-of-the-doubt” attitude struggles with this, but then again, I can only control myself when it comes to being “busy” or not “having time.”

I say this because someone who I think is wonderful keeps putting off plans. And as much as I know the time constraints of this particular person, I keep thinking of a time, far, far, away.. like last year, lol – when this happened with someone else.. and it fell into the idea below:

priority

I was not a priority.. and maybe this is happening again. BUT.. this full-circle..

I read, and re-read this, 1) because I love it, and 2) because this was happening to ME! And I wasn’t even noticing it! For me however, it was that I was focusing my attention to things I didn’t consider priorities. That last line pulls at my heart strings:

“Changing our language reminds us that time is a choice. If we don’t like how we’re spending an hour, we can choose differently.”

THIS. 

I was not doing things, because I “didn’t have time.” But in reality, I was not prioritizing properly. I let insignificant things get in the way.

Time. Is. A. Choice.

And this Easter weekend, whether it be the Lord’s rising or the Universe’s full moon, something came over me and I remembered what my priorities were. At least some of them. Like ice cream. For reals tho.

Anyway, as I was thoroughly enjoying myself, and making myself a priority this weekend, it brought me back to other people. Is this a situation of forgetting that time is a choice? Possibly. Or am I just not the priority after all? Maybe. I know last year that was the case. But if I have learned one thing in finance it’s that, “Past performance is no guarantee of future results.” And because I know all situations are relative, that comment is fairly accurate (generally speaking) in that your past does not control your future. Or it shouldn’t at least, because we can always make a new decision, change, beginning. Especially if the past involves a complete and separate entity than what is currently in the present/future.

So with all the static that has happened already in the first 3 months of 2018, the only thing that has made this year mediocre at best, was me forgetting my priorities. Otherwise, it’s still been amazing. Because with recent events, it forced me to take a step to the side, (we never go back people!) and stop for a second to remember who I am and what makes my heart happy. I started focusing on what I “used” to love. Or more like, what I have always loved.. but I just started making time for them again.

It all comes down to the idea that – to be your own priority is to never be someone else’s option.

Time. Is. A. Choice.

Choose wisely my friends.

Cheers!