Tag: blame

wheres miranda when i need her (unedited)

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Sex & the City – Season 2 Episode 10

One of my absolute favorite episodes because it truly explains how women are (many times) punished for their success. I know I’ve blogged about this concept before, but in the midst of Tswift’s The Man, and just my recent experiences, I was compelled to write about another sleeve of this double standard.

I go to a local bar.. it’s my very own Cheers.. everyone knows my name. I tip well, and have made some.. acquaintances, if you will. What fascinates me though, is even though I tip rather well (20-50% depending on the day) I do not get the same respect or treatment as male regulars. And mind you, I’ve been, and still am, a regular at many places, but this place in particular, I notice the difference.

Maybe because the type of bar it is? Maybe because the the traffic that comes through? I don’t know, but what I DO know is, when it’s busy I am patient and understanding, and I don’t let the busyness deter me from tipping well or taking it personal. But I also always notice other regulars who frequent this place.. almost all of whom are male.. are still always taken care of in a timely manner.

Now, don’t get me wrong.. women are different personality-wise by nature.. but is that any reason to take advantage of those qualities? I know for a fact I make the same, if not more, than many of those men who frequent this place, but yet, my dollar is undermined by the fact that I’m a female. Even by female staff no less!

Why does society hate successful women? Why must I BE understanding if I’m served after a man? Even fellow women can’t stand successful women! *face_palm* No one questions the man who shows up every night to have a cocktail and sits at the bar for a few hours, yet I receive looks and questions of why I’m there so often. This then turns into “jokes” which in turn just shows that women aren’t allowed to “act” like men.

HOW ABOUT WE JUST ACT LIKE PEOPLE. PEOPLE WHO HAVE STRESSFUL JOBS THAT MAKE THEM WANT TO DRINK.

I understand this post is slightly 2-fold: treatment and success. But many times it comes hand-in-hand. This even more frustrates me that I am constantly judged for both.

I don’t think there’s much moral to this story due to the fact that my situation, and the situations of other successful women won’t change overnight. But I guess use this as a reminder of inequality and societal stigma that is sadly still ingrained even in this new generation of “activists” and “free thinkers”.

It costs nothing to be kind.

✌🏻

i dont know why i never posted this..

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

In sifting through some past journal entries, I found something from March of 2011.

In it, I wrote about a couple of friends who said something to me about “Learning to accept the things that haven’t happened and move on.”

On the previous page, I wrote about my anxiety about my plans for the future, and having concern that I had lost my idea of what my ‘Dreams’ were.. because you can’t follow something that doesn’t exist.

Anyway, I continued to write about the fact that I did not agree with this statement of ‘accepting things that haven’t happened’. Because I wanted to make things happen. Even if it was in small doses. I wrote about moving to CA (oh look at that!) and saying that I’d rather make it out here and last 3months than never making an effort at all. Because really, just because something hasn’t happened doesn’t mean it still can’t. If we just accept the things that haven’t happened, then what is the point of having dreams or aspirations? Why dream at all?

Looking back, I can obviously see what my friends were trying to say.. because right, you can’t change the past, you can’t change things that haven’t happened. You shouldn’t live and wonder ‘what if’. I think that was the point for me though, and the reason why I disagreed. Because there is always tomorrow. So why move on? Why even have a ‘what if’?! Take tomorrow by the horns and make something happen.

In my 32 years of my existence I have learned the obvious: We cannot change the past.. but that does not mean that what we have not accomplished cannot still be done now. Or tomorrow. And as crazy as life may be, and as fragile – and short even – there is still an opportunity to make things happen. And more so, a reason to be motivated. Knowing life is uncertain gives more of a reason to conquer today and think about those ‘what if’s’ and turn them into ‘this is what happened when I..’

Still thinking about that old college friend? Social Networking was created for you. Mad at yourself for not asking that guy/girl out last month? You probably know where to find them.. just do it. What’s the worst that can happen? They tell you they’re engaged!? BAHAHA (inside joke, and either way, at least now you know, and you’ve got a good story) Trying to get a Masters? a PhD? If money is a factor, start one class at a time. In the end, you will feel even more accomplished.

My point is, I would rather accept – what people call – ‘failure’ in trying. I would rather be late in the game, and getting even just a small piece of what I wanted, rather than accepting the nothingness of never trying. Why even have the talk about ‘accepting things that haven’t happened’? Why not just make them happen.. no matter how small, no matter how much time has passed. I would rather have stories to tell, even embarrassing ones, than having to ‘learn to accept..’ a nothing.

i can’t make you love me if you don’t.

~ NewBeginnings ~ 2 Comments

“Some people are settling down, some people are settling, and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.” -Sex & the City

I refuse to settle.

And to clarify, I don’t see settling as in getting married or having children, or buying a house even.. any of that. Because, believe it or not, I want some of those things.. I want to love and be loved, but I know enough to wait for what is right for me. I refuse to do anything because of my age, or what society thinks I should be doing. Settling down for me is doing something for the mere reason that people, or society, expect it of you, not because you actually want to do it.

I especially believe this in terms of love. I have read in several places that people are in relationships for many reasons but not necessarily because of love. How sad is that!? I mean, if you think about it, we aren’t even friends with people because we genuinely like them or have anything in common.. many times it is a feeling of sheer obligation. I’ve also read a breakdown of the differences between love and obsession, lust, and control even. And honestly, this is why the divorce rate is 50%.

Don’t hate people, its a statistic. Fact. (in case you feel the need to read up on it, here’s a link for you) statistics

And also, in the 50% who stay married, only a fraction of those are together because of love. Now that is really sad.

As much as I LOVE living in a fantasy of romance and undying love, rom coms, and fairytales, (which, as many of you know, my likeness for these things is absolutely rediculous) I still understand, and learn everyday that love is more than convenience, expectation, practicality, being comfortable, and the idea of “I don’t think I can find anything better.” When I hear this, I want to kick a puppy. Is that what you really think? Or are you just being impatient? Lazy? Are you just plain scared of being vulnerable? These are the chances I am willing to take. Love is not “Well we’ve been dating 2 years, it’s time to get married.” Is it?! We’re talking forever here people.. do you realize this? Oh right, you can just get divorced.. because that’s a whole lot of fun I tell you.

Maybe it’s because I am part of that previously stated statistic and I refuse to add to it again. Maybe because of my previous ‘failure’ I finally understand what marriage actually means. Forever. I am slowing beginning to see, after physically seeing with my own eyes, so many people after me who got married, or divorced, or both even.. that marriage is no longer being taken seriously. It just becomes another ‘step’. Especially for those who are in long relationships.. hate me all you want for saying this, but maybe you aren’t supposed to get married.. maybe your long relationship is just that – a relationship you’ve had for a long time. I have been there, I know others who have been there too.. leaving relationships after 4, 8 years even. Marriage was not meant to be a ‘step’ it was, and is, meant for love.. not taxes, not babies, love. With love, comes the rest.. Maybe I’m trying too hard to explain this. But, maybe.. out of sheer hope, people will read and view life a little differently and actually take the time to fall in love vs just taking what they can get.

And yes, I’ve heard you critics, life now is not what life was back then.. blah blah.. The Bible is dated.. Society has changed.. That’s great, well if society has changed so much, then why are women, on average, still getting paid less then men? Why is there still discrimination? Why do families automatically expect children the minute people get married? Are you now going to argue on the basis of tradition? Exactly.. this is an on-going argumentative cycle. People may have changed, but feelings have not.

Love is a feeling, it is understanding. It’s compromise. Not in compromising yourself, but in finding compromise together. It’s being true to yourself and seeing truth in each other. It’s living as individuals, and bringing home your separate ideas to collaborate, or at least agree to disagree. It’s ever-changing.. because our lives are ever-changing. It’s loving all of someone including their imperfections.. not despite them. It’s allowing each other to be vulnerable because we all need to expose ourselves sometimes so we don’t feel shame. It’s about accepting that vulnerability because we all are victim to it.. It’s about not expecting strength and perfection at all times.

Love is about finding that person or people even, including friends, who see you for everything your worth, down to the bones. Vulnerable. Shameful. To be able to stand by you when you are not strong. Through imperfections. Love is not about knowing what buttons to push, but knowing why there are buttons at all. Love is truly unconditional.

And don’t get me wrong, of all the people I know who are married, with children, etc.. I know a few who are truly in love, who are together because of each other, not out of circumstance.. But I can count those couples on one hand.

Call me crazy, but no, I won’t settle, I refuse to allow myself to just be ‘comfortable’. I refuse to allow time, and society, and even friends and family, to create my boundaries. I refuse to be part of anything other than that 2% or so of the population who are together because of love.

Will I have to wait till I’m 80? Maybe. Will I be lonely? At times.. Will it be worth it? Yes.

didn’t your mother ever teach you that pointing is bad?

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

DISCLAIMER: May become slightly spiritual or largely philosophical, or both. Or possibly neither, hope you enjoy it anyway!

I feel like I learn something new everyday.

Whether it’s something interesting, such as, “What differentiates a ‘college’ vs a ‘university’? Or even “What does being a ‘tenured’ teacher mean?” And sometimes, I learn useless things like, “Miley got engaged!” Or, “What?! Chris Hemsworth is married with child!?” Oh social media and smart people.. {sigh} teaching me little snip-its of life, one crazy or important thing at a time.

Point here is I learned something again. This time, it was a week long process.. mainly because I ran into a few people who made me question humanity.

Not to brag, but I know a LOT of people. (HAHAHA I laughed out loud typing that) But really. I know people I grew up with, I know people I went to high school with, and those I went to college with. I also know lots of people I have worked with. I even know celebrities. I mean, I don’t KNOW them, but I know what I know from media and wikipedia.

Of these people, many have inspired me, motivated me, helped me, made me laugh, and some even love me 🙂 Of all these people though, there is a defining factor on who I keep by my side, while others just continue on in my life as bits and pieces. Its always one question I ask myself. In true Carrie Bradshaw form: “When it comes to relationships..”  Umm no, I meant to say “Do you point the finger at yourself?”

People who take ownership for what comes their way, good or bad, are people I keep close. We all make mistakes, but it is always us who make that decision on how to act upon it. A friend posted on twitter “Strong people make as many mistakes as weak ones do. But the strong ones admit their mistakes, laugh about it & learn from it.” Life isn’t easy. And all these people I know have a story. Now, I’m not going to divulge into sad stories of my own childhood or life because, really, I don’t consider it to be that awful. However, many people, after learning some information, may think it was. I had a conversation with a lovely friend of mine about this, and about how people persevere through bad situations. In this conversation, to give an example, I pulled the Oprah card. Oprah (a celebrity, that I can say, I’m not the only one who knows her 😉 ) had a terrible childhood. It’s known about her struggles, rape, abortion, and so forth. But it is also known about how she made a decision that if there was nothing left, she at least had herself. And it was OPRAH, who made herself into what she is today.

I love the Oprah card because, although her situation is a little extreme, she is a great example of what I learned: that everyone has a Choice. A choice to make your life what you want it and stop blaming others and society. I’m not saying to place ‘blame’ on yourself, but more ownership on what you choose your life to become. Oprah could have become a statistic, saying her childhood was a failure, the people who abused her ruined her life. No. Instead she woke up one day taking ownership for things that have happened. You think she would say, “oh yah that rape made me famous.”? “Those people who thought I was nothing, yah they helped get me my first job.”? Doubt it. Oprah herself made her what she has become. Instead of placing blame on her environment, she made a choice to become better than that.

One of the greatest gifts we have from God is the ABILITY to make CHOICES. Not only did God allow us the choice to follow HIM or not, we also choose to take a shower, to be angry, to go to the gym. With anything in life (and I try to remind myself of this often) there are always better situations, but we always forget that there are worse. Whatever you believe, especially in regards to ‘fate’, we may have a destination, but it’s our choice in what that journey will look like. I apparently like the mountainous route.

I know we have all heard this story before. Choice. And I know sometimes certain choices are fairly non-negotiable like going to work; but it is still a choice. What we have in front of us now did not just happen today, yesterday, or last month even. It began with a series of choices we allowed ourselves from the moment we were presented with that gift. And trust me. Its not easy to look in the mirror and think, “hmmm you there, are YOU my problem?” It’s easy to play the blame game and point fingers.. “my health” ..”my job” ..”Johnny didn’t help me.” All these things, health especially, are life-long decisions. We know some people have it easier than others, but it’s still a choice of how you treat your body and what you put into it.

I have a hard time understanding these types of people who feel that life owes them something. Why choose to depend on society? Why be dependent on those around you? Even family, friends.. because even the closest will not be there forever. There comes a time in your life when you are able to formulate ideas, thoughts, decisions, all by yourself. So why give that up an depend on others for those decisions? Why allow others to hold YOUR FATE?

We don’t have to subject ourself to others’ responsibility. It’s a choice to see the things you can do for yourself. Because when you get to those pearly gates, its just you. And you might only have thumbs left.