failure and the best 3 days

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Can we just talk for a sec about how sort-of fantastic the past few days have been!? Now, if I’m going to be honest, there was tragedy in the midst of my happiness. My heart still hurts thinking about it – and as I am not tied directly to this tragedy, it’s different for me. But it is a tragedy all the same.

This actually brings me to a short conversation I had with a co-worker today about how strange and sort-of sad life can be because when there is a tragedy that does not affect a mass population but say only a family.. the rest of the world lives on. When we lose a loved one.. we are who suffers, yet everyone around us carries on their day with jokes and conversation. Isn’t that strange? I don’t know, I think it is.. Because as I had one of the best weekends in a long time, and a great end to an “eh” Monday.. and yet part of me feels terrible that there is someone out there that I know of who is grieving.

And I digress.. but I do feel a sting of pain reminiscing about such a great few days – However, I am also more grateful for those moments. Just as I had written on Saturday, I spent the most beautiful day with my dad running errands and helping him get stuff done. On Sunday, which is my failure – I DIDN’T POST! 😦 – for good reason though, I was out all day and didn’t get home until 11:30pm and by the time I looked at my watch getting into bed, it was 10 past midnight.. I let the day win. But in every time we fall we get back up right?! I wasn’t going to miss today!

Anyway, Sunday was church day with my daddio, did I mention it was another perfect day weather-wise?! 😎 And afterwards I took an adventure into the mountains to go to a LuLaRoe pop-up where I knew no one. That is an important note. I knew no one. I haven’t gone anywhere on my own free will to meet people since that volleyball meet-up 4 years ago.. and if you know me at all.. you see where that got me! Broken hearts and best friends..

Well I went, and I showed up! And I met some great people! I forgot what that rush felt like. And as happy as I am with my baby-circle of friends, making connections and networking is so great, and always helpful. As I adventured back later in the afternoon, I met up with the broken-heart-turned-best-friend and we had dinner, shared some laughs, and conversed over Netflix. And as mentioned earlier, I got home late, just in time for bed.

Today was a normal Monday BUT an old high school friend of mine was traveling the coast with his wife. The weather is a little strange by the coast and been super foggy so they stopped in my neighborhood where they are staying the night before driving back up to NorCal. We were able to catch up while I ate my sushi and they ordered to-go. It had been a long day for them, and I didn’t mind at all.. I was just thrilled we got to share some time. More so, I was over ecstatic because my theory of “We are who we are, people don’t change” -Great Expectations – came to life! We chatted about how we don’t talk to anyone from high school because we sort of had the same path.. moving to a small town where everyone already knew everyone.. and not ever quite feeling like you fit in.. We talked about running into other people and they are still the same as they were 18 years ago.. except with children. It was just great to know that after the awfulness of high school we are still who we are, and we don’t suck. Lol.

I guess for me, the weekend was full of feeling great about the unexpected. And allowing it to create good things. On top of that, being grateful for what I have, what comes my way, and still having these opportunities. To be able to continue on, day-to-day, knowing there is sadness around you, but also remembering that it is in those human connections whether new, old, or  sad even, that create meaning in this life.

 

🙂

 

Vitamin D

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It’s amazing what the sun can do for you. Here in SoCal, no matter where you are reading this from, you probably have heard about our record-setting “winter”. And I’m going to be honest with you, I really don’t know for sure if it was record-setting, but we got a whole bunch of rain. Lots and lots, and lots! of it. There were floods and mudslides, damaged properties..

So much rain. But still not as much as we need to get out of this drought – we are excitedly close though.. But after today, it feels like we won’t see rain again for another 9 months. Honestly, I wouldn’t mind another winter like this, 1) to get out of this drought and 2) because it finally felt like winter!

But seriously, today reminded me of a New England March for a moment.. one day it was barely in the 60s, chilly – dry cold air I tell you! Then all of a sudden, BAM! Never mind the past few days, but today was almost 90! I went from goosebumps to profusely sweating in a matter of days.

But for reals, how amazing was the weather today!? It was warm thats for sure, but it was so perfect with the breeze.. So long as you weren’t in literal direct sunlight for longer than 10 min, you didn’t feel hot. I, however, was running around all day with my daddio, who is still in town for a few more days, which amounted to all my sweating.

But days like today remind me of the beauty of.. weather. The sudden changes, as much as my sinuses hate them, make me so appreciative of the rainy days, and how a hot cappuccino feels. And also warm sunny days like today – it’s really a euphoric feeling amiright?! How many of us could lie on a grassy knoll all day with the sun warm on your face and never move until it sets.. Vitamin D is better than any drink or smoke I tell ya!

Oh it was just such a great day.. even all the driving for 8hours.. you heard me.. EIGHT. I didn’t mind it at all today. It was just so wonderful to share the sun with my dad (especially since the last two times I saw him it was cold and raining!). Sigh.. as I type this,  the sun has finished setting, but it really makes me look forward to tomorrow 🙂

 

🙂

to forgive, or not to forgive {edited draft}

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The idea of forgiveness I’m not against, but I absolutely can’t stand how people make excuses for it. Here’s the basic definition of Forgive via a dictionary:

forgive: verb | for • give |

: to stop feeling anger toward : to stop blaming

: to stop feeling anger about

I’ve talked before (not sure if I did on this blog) that “Life is simple, it’s the people that make it complicated.” Because, talk to anyone about forgiveness and you’ll get everything from the basic answer above to several misconstrued answers that have nothing to do with forgiving at all, but instead are excuses or explanations based on a current situation.

This perception thing really hurts my soul too.. because in life, I understand that we all see things differently but,  2 + 2 will always equal 4. There are many constants in this life are are just plain fact, but with the evolution of the human mind, we use that to convolute our ideas as to why we do the things we do vs just owning the fact that we are making excuses – for whatever reason. “Because I love them”, Because it’s my child”, “Because its my Mother” , “Because.. work”. Whatever the reason, its still an excuse vs facing reality. But that’s a whole other blog post..

I digress..

Anyway, life IS simple, so is forgiveness. To forgive is simply to stop blaming and feeling angry about something. Forgiveness isn’t allowing that person or event back in your life. Forgiveness isn’t second chances. Forgiveness isn’t a blank slate. Forgiveness itself is an act, a verb – a doing of something. Therefore second chances, or allowing someone to continue to take from you in a negative way, have nothing to do with the act of forgiveness. Those actions are separate in themselves. For example, you can’t run and skate at the same time, those are two actions that are separate from each other. Most actions are this way.. Even eating and drinking.. you can argue – you take a sip of a beverage while chewing – but if you notice, you can’t chew and swallow at the same time. Again.. two separate actions.

Whether it’s me being a Christian, or just being a good person, I believe wholeheartedly in forgiveness and to forgive often.. but I don’t go inviting negativity back into my life. In being a good person, you love thy neighbor, and be kind to one another – but nowhere in those teachings does it ever say go bring back negative parts of that into your life. So when I hear, “I forgave them, thats why we got back together” or “I forgave them, that’s why I’m trusting them with my car again.” Do as you please, but if that situation was not positive in the first place, forgiveness will not make it better. Because again, forgiveness does not change anything in itself. That is a separate action and on top of that, effort, in order for something to change.

This is partially why so many expectations become disappointments. People think to forgive means it’s all better, like it never happened. It did happen, and there are still feelings involved even if anger isn’t one of them. Forgiveness opens yourself to happiness and hope, it allows you to find peace.. Not empty more space for the negative.

So go on forgive, but don’t forget. In all, forgiveness is an action for yourself, to let something go, but the reality of it all is that it is still there – it’s just that anger is no longer associated with it. Allow forgiveness to do what its meant, remove blame and anger – which in turn should move you into happiness and letting go.

 

 

Perception {draft}

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I’ve written about perception before.. stating how life is what WE see of it.. and in reality there are many perceptions. Like the example of a car accident. 5 people witness it – you get 5 stories. But the thing about reality is.. there are still underlying truths and constants that we can’t deny. So in this car accident for example, the 5 people will tell you how they saw or perceived it. However, one thing is fact – there was a car accident. One car hit another.

We’ve come to a point where we only care how WE see things vs how things actually are. We care only about what WE believe vs what the truths behind the situation are. Someone doesn’t like you – you can tell yourself all day long that “One day we’ll be happy, one day they will appreciate me”. That’s great – we can’t survive without hope, however, be careful lying to yourself. Because you can’t change others. We can only change ourselves. So, of course, is it possible that person may one day be like, “oh gosh, you are great!” Of course! Anything is possible right!? But you can’t negate the PROBABLE.

Fact is this person does not like you.. For whatever reason. Whatever THEIR perception is of the situation doest matter, just like your hope.. fact right now is they don’t like you. The end.

And of course, I’m not telling anyone to give up on their hopes and dreams but you just have to accept the facts that come with them.

So be mindful of when you fall into conversations of, “well I see” or “I think” or “I feel”.. Because, that’s great! But it doest take away the facts of whatever the situation holds.

 

don’t marry me {draft}

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i don’t ever want someone to ask me to marry them.

i want someone to ask me to love them for longer than eternity.

i want someone to ask me to stand by them until we both can no longer stand.

i want someone to ask me to be a part of their soul for a thousand forevers.

i want someone to ask me to give of myself to them until it is no longer humanly possible.

i want someone to ask me to take adventures with them for as long as memories will last.

 

I don’t ever want someone to ask me to marry them.

I don’t want until death do us part.

I want more than “marriage”.

I want only death to part us, but for forever to hold us.

no post left behind

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Oh gosh.. have you ever looked into your drafts and thought, “OMGAHH why didn’t I post that?! or even, “OMGAHH what the heck was I thinking writing that?!

well I have a couple of those, about 4 of them to be exact. One I find interesting, another I want to post although I think it’s unfinished, and the other two I’m still questioning.

But I figure since I plan to post for another 24 days, I might as well dust them off and share. I will preface them with a (draft) before hand because again, some feel unfinished. And it’s not that I’m NOT proud of them, but more so, I’m so far removed now from when I started, I don’t want to disappoint Posh from the past and try and adjust with my ideas or feelings of now.

So for those on this 31 day post journey, I hope you enjoy those drafts to come – for those who may read backwards, maybe you thought those unfinished drafts were amazing anyway! 🙂

P.s. went to my favorite vegan/vegetarian place for dinner tonight for some soup and good eats to comfort my sickies, and also for a Dragon Shot – Resistance for immunity – love those elixirs!

🙂

 

inaudible sounds

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As I get older, I realize my body can’t adapt to temperature change like it used to. I went on a mini-vaca for my Birthday back in February to a cold destination.. for only 3 1/2 days. On day 3 I already started feeling stuffed up and achy.. how!? I had only been in the snow for 3 days! and was already packing to head home! When I got home, my brain was numb and I could barely speak without sounding like the Charlie Brown teacher.. Sneezing actually felt AMAZING. And of course, after another 3 days being home, I finally began to feel better..

So I’ll assume I have a 3-day-weather-window where if it changes “drastically” in three days, I guess I’m bound to get sick. Exhibit A: Fast forward to today – Literally last week the weather started getting SoCal beautiful, about high 60s into the 70s, sunny, not really warm per say, but it was nice compared to the 50-60 degrees, cloudy and rainy we’ve been experiencing. One day in particular, I believe it was this past Wednesday, was like 80 degrees out and warm. Low and behold, by yesterday afternoon (Sunday) my face began to feel like a balloon.

So.Annoying. Even though I was in bed by like 9pm last night, it didn’t seem to help because today I sound like a muffled cartoon once more. And can we just talk about how it’s always one nostril at a time?! Like c’mon nose you’re supposed to be a team! Well, I guess if you think about it, it may be a good thing? Because I can’t really imagine both air passages feeling this way at the same time.. ok sorry nose, I take that back, go ahead and take turns.

But still, so uncomfortable. But also.. when that nostril finally tingles and makes way for air?! It’s like I’m reborn! It’s almost too much air! How?! But also, so AMAZING.

All in all, being sick isn’t really fun, but it can at least be slightly entertaining. I’ll be paying attention to how long this lasts.. I don’t really want 3 to be my lucky number, but I guess having an expected pattern is better than a 5-day flu.

 

🙂

 

40 days and 40 nights

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My dad is in town, and for those who are reading this and know me, that means church on Sundays! I mean, I have gone to church without my father before, but those churches are not Catholic churches. And while I can’t say I “enjoy” being in a Catholic church and all that structure and feeling like God is always angry.. It is slightly comforting to still know by heart every bit of every prayer, (with old-school language I might add.. I never learned these “new” words they have updated to) and to sort of reminisce about grade school.

So let’s just talk about with how happy I was just for the fact that today was the first Sunday of Lent! A couple quick things here, I love the season of Lent and I am also a believer of a higher power – one of which I call God. Also, I’m not quite sure how I feel about churches, but I have always found it endearing how people find comfort in feeling a part of something by “praying” together. (This is a whole other post in itself) And let’s be clear here – I am a believer, but I am not by any means, telling any of you to believe something that you don’t. Nor am I trying to persuade – I like to believe I am a proper Christian who lives by the choice that God gave us, to believe or not to believe. Therefore, I am no judge or a prophet – I just hope you all are good people, but if you aren’t a good person.. I may judge a little bit lol 😉

Anywhoo – Lent! Yay for lent! Lol I love this time of year because as I explained, with much more sarcasm and swear words, to a dear friend of mine: It gives me a reason to challenge myself, make me a better person. And for me, because I do feel this sort of, “higher meaning” behind it, I actually stick to it. My percent of failure at what I have chosen for Lent every year is probably an average of about 90% success.. There have definitely been years where I have given up, or slipped, but more times than not, I uphold the challenge and am sometimes sad when it’s over, because I want to know how long I can REALLY go without bread before I break into a bakery in the middle of the night just to smell it!

I continued the conversation by saying to her, (she who is not a church-goer or religiously inclined per say) I think this is a great personal experience for everyone to go through because whether a believer or not, the point in Life, or with God’s work, is to challenge ourselves. To make ourselves better, to find fulfillment and find a bigger purpose than just – wake up, work, die. Now I’m not saying Lent changes lives and makes us all open non-profits to save babies, or puppies, or trees, but what I am saying is that giving yourself a challenge during Lent or in August, whenever you want, proves to yourself what you are capable of. I like the season of Lent however, because one: I follow it anyway, and two: a lot of people seem to, even if they aren’t exactly religious, so thats a great support system for any challenge you put yourself into these next 40 days (or 36 now if you want to get technical). It’s a great way to help each other and hold ourselves accountable. And here’s a wonderful quote I found about Lent:

“It’s almost looked at as a sort of “spring-cleaning” for your life.” heavy.com

I thought that article was a nice, little, quick explanation of Lent, and have I mentioned that quote is wonderful?!

I pretty much did a “Spring Cleaning” at home yesterday! Lol – Imagine doing that with your life once a year. Like a 3 day cleanse to kick start better eating, Lent gives us a reason to challenge oneself in hopes to kick start into something better ahead.

And again,  if you feel strongly about staying as far away from any religious ties, pick a different time of year – your birthday, an anniversary.. I just challenge you.. to challenge yourself! I feel like if we challenged ourselves more often, we may see new sides of ourselves – We would view life and/or certain situations differently. Just like with me, as mentioned a couple days ago, I like challenging myself anyway, new yoga class, pushing to a 10k run, whatever. This blog post is day 5 of a “blog challenge” I gave myself after my “quote challenge” from my Birthday month! So ok, I’m a little bit of an overachiever when it comes to challenges.. Lol. But just as I found some insight from the quotes I found in February, I am seeing a new determination during this “blog challenge” that I haven’t had in some time. I’m using my brain differently on a daily basis trying to think of something to share – it makes me look at every day differently, thinking.. how can I tell this story? Or even if I have a frustrating day, this challenge forces me to at least share that frustration in words even if it’s written poorly.

The point is, it’s making me DO vs just thinking about it. I had been frustrated at myself for not keeping up this blog and writing to my full potential. And honesty, I was super scared I wouldn’t have enough material for 31 days – OMG. I literally JUST realized I began this blog challenge on the first day of LENT! Ash Wednesday was March 1st this year! WHA?! I’ve been challenging myself from the start! Never mind the bread thing! 😀

That seriously just made my day! Ok so to finish up here, I hope you all take from this an idea of a challenge. Whether it’s giving up bread (harder than it looks I tell ya), taking a 30-day yoga challenge, or taking the GMATs (go big or go home amiright?!). Whatever it is, I hope you find something new, something that makes you think a little bit differently about what is around you, something that makes you proud of yourself ❤

Good Luck! 🙂

 

 

 

so fresh and so clean, clean

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So, I don’t know about you, but I just took my Christmas tree down today.. true statement.

This funk I’ve been in also has led to, what looks like a Hoarders episode.. Ugh I can’t even explain the grossness. Like, how did this happen?! I literally deep-cleaned my entire place from top to bottom.. it took me three hours.

Why am I sharing this via blog you ask? Because you know that feeling of getting out of the shower and into clean sheets? Yah, the most wonderful feeling in the whole world? I haven’t been able to feel it yet Lol 😀 Because just as I was clean and sparkly from my shower, one of my most favorite people called me, and I was off having to miss my bed. 

But for reals, maybe it’s my OCD, but anytime I clean, and this time in particular, man do I feel like a whole new person. I also missed my Saturday run for all this cleaning, but I think my back hurts more from cleaning than from my runs!

Point is, it’s been a good, clean, day – it’s almost like now that my home is clean and “new” I have more hope and motivation in myself. I’m not quite sure what was in me to finally tear down the dirt and grime and dig elbows deep to sanitize, dust, and even scrub the oven! Because I’ll tell you right now, it was not part of my day plans.. I was planning on running, so of course I cleaned in my work-out gear since I never made to the track. 

If I could just slap my own ass into cleaning, I can do it with other things to keep me happy and healthy. Also, I can’t believe how much I shed! If I have the patience to clean up that much hair and keep finding it in every crevice of the apartment, then I think I’m ready for a pup. 🙂

#CleanlinessisclosetoGodliness 

oh sn-app!

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Can we just talk about this for a hot sec? Apps – on your phone, on your tablet.. wherever..

I was just currently using a coloring book app and my 5min Journal app.

Two things that once required actual work: writing in a journal and coloring in a book.

What has become of us?! Honestly, speaking solely on behalf of myself, I mostly use the coloring app when I’m bored and at the laundromat. The 5min Journal, I added as a complement to my normal leather-bound journal to keep me focused and as stress-free as possible while I’m at work.

But I think of these things as I recall a co-worker yelling in my door as he walks by.. “They don’t teach cursive in schools anymore, did you know that!?” and wonder.. is this why communication is dying? We are so consumed by “easier” and “convenient” we have lost touch of authenticity.

And I know this conversation happens on a daily basis. Even as this tool of a computer helps me get a few random thoughts across to the blogging public vs reading a paper or magazine. I too am victim of some sort of “easy” technology. But when did technology become a tool for us to no longer think for ourselves? Because let’s be real, a blogging site is more so a network of writers sharing thoughts and ideas, we still need to think in order to type. So this version of technology has been a positive impact, and accomplished what it was meant to – bringing people and ideas together. But something like a coloring app? There’s no more thoughtfulness as to choice of color, working that pencil or crayon even, blending colors, or even accepting a color that you can’t go back on now.. you really should have chosen the forest green.. 😐 I mean there are apps for dating now.. meeting real people! How do you use 35 seconds of an app and a photo to know someone?

I don’t know, maybe my age is showing.. I mean, I remember when the internet was born. I remember dial-up, and AOL.. It’s fascinating and scary all at the time.

And yet we still have these conversations that the world is losing touch, relying on technology to a fault. Yet there is never any change. We don’t change our process, we just fall deeper into technology, and apps in particular, that take something meaningful, like meeting a person, capturing memories, expressing yourself, and even creating art.. and turning it into the same motion as changing the channel on a TV.