So much for 1/mo

~ NewBeginnings ~ 2 Comments

For this blog – thought I would be posting once a month, but its been quite a year. I guess I’ll just consider this is a mid-yr reacap? This will definitely feel, and sound like a ramble, but like all my posts, if anyone gains anything from this, even just a laugh or new idea, then I’m still fulfilling my purpose of starting this.. 11 years ago!? Go check out some Archives, those originals are hilarious, lol.

I also have 4 drafts that have been sitting in my edits waiting to complete.. maybe one day my brain will be able to focus long enough to get those done. For now though, its a new day, new month – and honestly, lots of New Beginnings have occured the past 5 months. One thing for certain however… there are some things that never, or rarely change.

From topics I write about often, a few thoughts that have remained consistent this year:

  • Family is not blood. It is many things, but blood and DNA/genes is not a requirement, nor the only, or needed, factor.
  • People are still in relationships for all the wrong reasons. *Small insight that I have learned is that most people’s fear of being alone is stronger than the need, or want for happiness – hence divorce rates, toxic relationships, etc… *Second insight is that almost all relationships get pressured to advance said relationship, i.e. “when are you getting married?!” “when are you having kids?!” which in turn creates issues, even for those who are in healthy relationships for the right reasons. We all have different timelines in life, relationships are no exception, we need to stop putting other people on our personal timelines.
  • Ignorance might be bliss, but its still Ignorance.
  • Contrary to popular belief, opinions are not facts. Nor are emotions, anxiety and depression.

Now, some things I did learn so far this year:

  • We need more Ted Lasso’s – Be Curious not Judgemental.
  • Although the ocean has a very special place in my heart, it is actually just the movement of water I truly love, and need in my surroundings.
  • No matter what you believe in, if you notice recurring signs, listen to them, pay attention to them. Don’t make assumptions – per point 1 – Be Curious. Sometimes the signs are super obvious, but sometimes, they are not necessarily pointing to what’s in front of you, they are teaching you and leading you to something you have not thought about. Maybe its a YOU problem, and maybe its more a need to change your way of thinking and doing.

Overall, this has been very much a year of: Control the Controllables. I started in a new role at work (eek!), I have traveled more in the last 5 months than I can remember in any year (YaY!), I moved (YaY!), I broke a toe (gah!). It’s definitely been a typical rollercoaster of heaviness and lightness of emotion, trying to navigate all the change internally and externally. I have had many a frustration, especially the past 3 months, having to travel in a boot for 2 of the many trips I took, and also being limited in movement after finally accomplishing my first half marathon just 3.5 mo prior to the bone break. BUT, this is day 5 of no splints, no tape, and real shoes 🙂 #smallwins

My new role is challenging, and will be a great learning experience for however long I do this. I think I learned the most about controllables from this role due to the reactive nature of it. Because thats all we can do when things happen that we do not expect, react. React as best we can, based on the tools we have. Knowing my reaction is controllable, I have learned to add more tools to my EQ box. Generally speaking, the more we are curious, the more we learn, and are able to create better experiences, whether thats with people or just trying to get through TSA.

I guess moral of this mid-year randomness is I have learned to be more curious, which in turn allows me to control my controllables, which really, the only thing we CAN control is ourselves. I have been learning to be more insightful in situations, and taking my time on next steps. Not every moment in life needs a to be a dive, sometimes wading or dipping a toe in a river, or ocean, or metaphorical lake, gives perspective and the ability to make proper decisions for our actions.

till next time, hopefully sooner than 5 months, lol, cheers,

xoxo

another day, another New Beginning

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According to 90% of the world, we are in a New Year. I’m not debating this, as I trust the calendar, lol, but I have always felt my New Year starts on my Birthday. If you have been following me long enough, you know how important I believe Birthdays are, and this is one of those reasons.

This past weekend, I was talking about this with a couple friends, and not that they were going to change their lives based on when a “New Year” starts, but we did slightly agree that on a personal level, that it only makes sense that one’s New Year begins on their Birthday. This is the day we entered this world, and it’s the same day – every year – that determines you making it, yet another year, on this planet.

As mentioned, this is how I have functioned for a while, and I’m not trying to tell yall how to live your lives, lol. If you need Jan 1st at a starting point, please use it. My hope in all these posts is to remind everyone that New Beginnings happen all the time. New jobs, new relationships, death, new life path, etc.. And all those moments don’t wait for Jan 1. And I guess now you can argue, none of those moments wait for your Birthday either. And you are correct!

Point is, your Birthday, or lets use my Birthday, is another milestone of a New Beginning. What will I accomplish this next year of my life? Did I have a goal of buying a house by the time I turn 40? What do I do now about it? What limitations might I run into this year (because I’m an old lady now, lol)? Birthday New Years give a different perspective on your hopes, dreams, and goals. And I feel like we take our Birthday goals more serious because there’s that hidden fear of “another year gone by”.

So whether you plan your life between Jan 1st and Dec 31st, or you are similar to me, and your year hasn’t “started” yet, I hope y’all use this time to reflect. And remember, your life can change any day, so as much as we want to “plan” the year ahead, whether that’s now, or Birthday time: “No Plan is Perfect, and Nothing Perfect Can be Planned”.

So cheers to 2023, whatever day your Year starts for you, and I hope yall find magic, love, and all things meant for you ❤

And if life happens to suck, remember tomorrow, and every tomorrow, is another chance at a New Beginning 🙂

back to the beginning

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I have a lot on my mind, and not sure where to start, so I’ll just go with what I know – I’ve said it year after year, that we do not need New Years to actually have a New Beginning, New Beginnings happen all that time, everyday, on a random Tuesday in Aug. This year I’m taking that more to heart. Today is my Day 1. Christmas Day of all days I understand, but I’m alone again for Christmas this year, and thought what better day to start anything especially on a long weekend (for me). And I mean, if I wanna get technical, yesterday could have been my Day 1 – but you know when you just get that “ready” feeling? I felt it for today, so I’m giving Day 1 to Christmas.

Like many years, this has been one of highs and lows.. the biggest high for sure was work and career. A year ago today, I was crying in cafes, lol, studying, (yes even on Christmas) for one of the hardest exams I had to take. 2 months of studying and I finally passed it (on the 4th try!) Feb 4th. To see where I am now makes me wonder why I don’t have that same patience or compassion in my personal life.

Because from that moment on, I have been offered 3 leader roles (and taken 2) and I’m about to start that second promotion in the new year. I will admit, I have leaned heavily on my work life bc my personal life was questionable, at best, from the start of the year. On top of personal, emotional, and even physical criticisms, I lost many a loved one, a few acquaintances, and some local friends this year. Life and Death was on my mind constantly, and my anxiety was at all time highs this year.

Work kept me feeling stable. It was the one place of community where I was excelling and being appreciated on a daily basis. When each day would be over, I would turn around in my desk chair, and not know what to do with myself. For a couple of months I had a few goals, as I ran my first Half-marathon this year. 13.1 officially in the books. And as much as many people would congratulate me, and high-five, considering my time was a-ok for a first-timer, I was not happy with any of it. I was only happy the training was over. It makes me a little emotional just typing that out loud. I love(d) running – and I didn’t love any of that experience. Once that race was over I literally did nothing. Except work. And travel, obvs, lol. But my day-to-day was just eat, sleep, work, and visit the cafe and bar in the village, just to get myself out of the house.

And then one day, I woke up 10lbs heavier, and feeling emotionally drained. I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize the person on the other side. I was in denial. I didn’t want to believe I was just existing. There was no sparkle in my eye, pants kept getting tighter, and as a petite 5’2″, I was now officially the same pant size as my best friend who is about 5’7″ and has 2 kids. And honestly she looks better in them pants than I do bc she’s got the height, and is prob in better shape at this point bc its been about 2 months since I saw her pretty face. AND I know none of this should matter bc every bod, and every shape, blah, blah, blah – but for me, myself – I know when I’ve been at my happiest – and spoiler alert, it was NOT when I was a size 0 (yes there were a few times I was a size 0). I was probably more miserable then. I was happiest when I could just fit into my favorite outfits. And not struggle to tie my shoes or give myself a pedi bc my stomach is in the way, or struggle with yoga poses bc of said extra cushion – yes, I said it. And I stand by it. Because the one thing that I realized is, yall are right, it doesn’t matter what size, weight, etc.. we are, but it DOES matter when you have image issues and hate yourself every time you look in a mirror. It also matters when the vision of yourself restricts you from enjoying life. Not making plans because it means I have to find an outfit that doesn’t make me feel gross, denying dates bc #same, and turning my “wardrobe” into hoodies and jeans bc thats all that fits, and the hoodies can hide the tightness of my jeans.

This is just a moment of reflection on why we (especially myself this year) put so much energy and motivation into so many things except ourselves. I preach so often about self-care, and “you cant pour from an empty cup”, and here I am with no cup, and awful feelings towards myself.

Bringing this full circle – today is my Day 1. Had a nice little Christmas Eve last night, and a friend drove me home. I was a little against it, until I remembered I wanted to do my “annual” Christmas Day run, and I turned it into an adventure. I found it hilarious knowing that this year, I was just running from my house back to the village, to pick up my car this year, lol, but of course I took the scenic route on the esplanade to pull a full 2 miles. And my first run in 2.5 months (since my half-marathon) is done.

And now Day 1 of refocusing all that work energy into myself is here. I know I’m not going to love myself overnight, and I also know it took me 3.5 years to pass that stupid exam (again, took me 4 tries!). Even with those obstacles, I was never as hard on myself as I am with my personal life. If I can be diligent and hopeful in my career goals, no matter how long it took, I can do the same for myself. I would be lying to say: “success doesn’t happen overnight”. Although there is some truth in the statement, this year alone reminded me how much can change in a minute never mind a day, or a year. So as much as I want to see change in myself, I need to remember what the process was for my career. Because in every stage, from exam studying to my offers this year, I focused on what was in front of me, and allowed myself to be happy with the journey. Thats what I want for myself this year. To be focused on whats in front of me, what today is offering me, bc tomorrow it may be different. Every day truly is a New Beginning.

Day 1 can be any day – and if you get to a point in your life where you need to reevaluate, I hope yall remember you choose when your Day 1 is. It doesn’t have to be every Jan 1st, it doesn’t have to be Christmas, it just needs to be a day – a day you remember, that you choose, to change your situation – whether you have a cheering section or no. This day is for you, and you only.

Whether your year was similar to mine or better, hope yall have found some magic this Holiday Season,

Cheers to Day 1s – till next time..

Long time, no chat

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

If my followers are still here after this hiatus, I graciously thank you!

I feel like I have said that before, and I probably have, because I have had computer issues easily for over a year now, so I only used it for emergencies. However, I am typing from a whole new laptop! WHOS EXCITED?! Which means I’m stretching my fingers and and getting this party re-started!

Due to this delayed time, I have some drafts chillin, so I’m hoping to post those as well, be mindful some ideas may feel dated, but I still appreciated how the posts turned out, and think they are worth sharing. Keep eyes out for those!

For today, this is just my little: Hello! Anybody (still) there?! post as I emerge from the darkness. And honestly, everything happens for a reason because we are headed into year end, and yall know its my favorite time to remind everyone that everything in life is temporary and to embrace #newbeginnings not only on a yearly basis, but a daily basis.

Which brings me to a little recap of the last 18 MONTHS!? sheesh – I even re-read my last post from May of 2021 to catch myself up, and thankfully laughed more than cried, lol. The tears were all happy. I am also happy I was able to get a post in last year because last summer was when my 2008 macbook (you read that year right, and everyone was still in awe it even turned on lol) started to really die on me.

But after all that uncertainty, I started my new gig, and let me tell you.. my life CHANGED. I mean, I’m still the same ol’ sarcastic optimist, who tries to share a different perspective on life.. but all these changes, made ME see life a little differently. I met one of my most adored friends I have today, and my career went from 0 > 180 in the first 9mo. For example, in just the past year alone (i.e. a year ago from today) I got a promotion and just recently, only 7mo later, was offered anotha! new role. It honestly has been a whirlwind, and I have never felt so appreciated than I have right now with the work I am doing. AND if you have read along this journey, you’ll know that for many years, I didn’t really enjoy my job, but I loved [some of] the people.. now, I freakin love what I do, AND I love like ALL the people, lol. This whole experience just reminded me what the Universe/God can do if you’re not strong enough to make the change yourself. Sometimes we need a little nudge, so make sure you’re paying attention! That’s why your first love is your first, not your last, and why your first job is your first.. and you get the point. And I do know many people who don’t believe that things happen for a reason.. all I can do to explain is, you have to believe in something, for something to believe in you. ❤

Although my career has been on fire this year, personally, my life has been a rollercoaster. From a few deaths (yes a few) in my personal circle, some new and reoccurring health issues, to questioning where I belong, (bc when you lose people around you, you really start editing life’s Pros and Cons list) its been emotionally and mentally taxing to say the least. And I’m not sure how yall are, but when an aspect of life is struggling, I lean on the parts that are going well. I threw myself into work (at points to my dismay) and booked every plane ticket I could find. I tried my hardest to focus on my partnerships, but even some of those created heartache, headaches, or left me questioning if I travel to “run away”. But if there is one thing I have learned, no matter how hard I try, lol, I can’t run away from myself. I’m still there, with the same feelings, same headspace, same problems, if you will.. and the only way to manage those, are to accept them, and work through them. Thankfully travel always seems to find a way to help make me think a little differently, and help me to reevaluate priorities.

On top of life and work, I ran my first Half-marathon last month 🙂 2/10 recommend, lol. But really, it was an amazing experience, I def cried running over the finish line, and I may do another, but wanna go back to yoga first, lol. Per usual, whether work, life, personal, or any other aspect of ourselves, there are always highs and lows, this past 18mo was no different.. The struggle is finding a proper balance to be able to appreciate both. The sun and the moon are often out in the sky at the same time, and both are beautiful, and very much needed.

With that, thanks again for those who are still around, welcome to my new readers, and excited for this #newbeginnings chapter of life with restarting this blog!

till next time, cheers! xoxo

Random Thought #365

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I’d have to look at back if I’ve even posted any random thoughts, but really, who’s counting?

I can’t remember the last time I felt so off. I transition into a new role (with my same company) on Monday. And for some reason, I am having the hardest time letting go of certain things. Granted, I spent 8 years in this office which means 8 years with people. (If you have read anything from be before, you know people are very important to me. bc I mean, without people what do we have in this life?!) Although every time I catch myself saying that, I remember that all that’s left from my start are 6 people. SIX – in a current office of 30. And while I can add some people since they started within a year or so after me, most people have really only worked with me 5 years or less. And more so, most of those people I don’t even care about, lol.

So as I sit here, the one weekend, OF ALL FREAKIN WEEKENDS, where I have nothing going on, but yet feel the need for the most support – I am struggling with this past/present/future construct again. I know being present is the best way to be. We only have today. I am also excited for what the future may potentially bring, considering, there is a chance I may still be working with many of these people going forward (another reason I don’t understand these random emotions of longing). However, I feel like everything around me is changing. I mean, there are some people I really DON’T want to keep in touch with. There are things I am SO HAPPY to get rid of and not deal with in my new role.

Maybe it’s just the fact that really, nothing major – personally – has happened in like, idk 6 years for me? And career-wise it’s been, what, 4 years? I am always constantly moving and shaking, I thrive on constant change, but I am not making anything happen this time.. It’s all happening TO me.

Can’t believe I just had an epiphany sitting here venting at a screen:

  1. I have control issues
  2. I feel like I’m not “controlling” anything right now

Now, I also know I don’t actually “control” anything except my reactions to things, but the feeling of control is where it’s at. And now, I have not idea why I’m still typing, but I am still posting this in case anyone else out there needs a reminder, or is experiencing an “uncontrollable” moment.

I literally started today feeling so out of place – I woke up “late” (lol thats 7am for me), I didn’t know where to start, (yes, I felt behind already) I couldn’t even form complete sentences in my head. I chatted with a couple friends expressing my off-ness and thought, maybe this is a good blog post. So I started tip-tapping. This isn’t my best work by any means, but now I guess I provided some nonsense to read on your Saturday.

I guess moral of the story is here, if you take a moment to talk through things, write them down, type them even, or just be realistic in mindset, you will find an answer to whatever crazy emotion you are feeling. Not that having an answer helps the whole situation necessarily, but it’s a start to understanding it, and can maybe help stop the laugh-crying while listening to country music *shrug*

If you made it this far, thanks or not getting bored, lol. Stay present, remember not to freak out over change, but if you do, set some time to think. Emotions are problematic to many, and silly for others, but are the only thing we have that keeps us honest. Listen to them.

Cheers! xoxo

Time is a construct humans created.

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#halfedited

I feel like I am well known for disappearing in many areas of life at one time or another and then just emerge out of nowhere. And I wonder how people can just forget about me.. but hey, New Beginnings amiright?!

It’s definitely been a hot sec since my last post and for (sort of) good reason. Turning 30-10, getting my job eliminated, trying to stay sane, then having a loss in the family, all resulted in a stall in writing/blogging and per usual.. here I am trying to emerge another butterfly. But as all these things were happening, with many other smaller moments whirling around, like most things in life it was eye opening, and provided many moments of realizations.

One in particular I catch myself in all the time, and will probably forget like a day after I post this.. is the concept of telling “young” people (and I quote that because, young, is a relative term really, based on who you’re talking to) “Don’t worry YOU HAVE TIME”. Not to just toss us into morbid thinking the first 3 paragraphs here.. but DO YOU HAVE TIME?! Do ANY OF US?! Think about it – yah I know the mortality rate is increasing as years go on with technological advances in the sciences and medical fields. However, just the past year alone – I’ve learned of many people passing – not necessarily all people I am, or were, close with, but people my age nonetheless, plus or minus a few years, and beyond. Not only that, but people die every day. And how many of those people were told they “had time”!? Probably 90% of them. That has always fascinated me, whether it was someone very close, and the loss was devastating, or someone you read about in the paper.. life just keeps going. Those left here, wake up another day, people still going to work, having lunch, etc.. There are SO MANY things happening in the world.. and we just keep trucking along, because time stops for no one.

Point in this idea, while I was in the Northeast visiting family and friends, on a car ride with my bestie, we talked about a related topic of “If you die tomorrow, are you happy with your last day?” A similar conversation also occurred at dinner before my flight with another good friend talking about – you don’t want to go to the gym today? DON’T. Everything is a decision we make for our own journey’s. You regret not going to the gym? Then maybe you should go. Maybe that last workout defined your presence here. I’ll tell you right now tho – NOT ME. LOL. I have given up yoga, a run, lots of things to spend time with people. Because THAT is what’s important to ME. Hence, DO YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TIME!? If someone ever asked me to grab a drink or meet up at the cafe, and I’m like – sorry gotta get this run in.. NOPE. Because I could get hit by a car while running. THEN WHAT? I missed my final chance to spend time with someone who chose to spend time with me. Now, I am a little crazy and if I really wanted to run, I would just adjust my day, and create a way to accomplish both.. anywayyyy.. Point is, my journey, I choose what is important and what I want my final day to look like.

With another death in the family, this concept hit a little harder this time. Like.. right – why do we think we have time for ALL THE THINGS? And maybe that’s why I am living with some debt due to plane tickets and travel plans. That’s why I will always say YES to any adventure, any last min plan that will make my soul happy. As much as I am excited about Tomorrow (bc all my travel plans obvs, lol), I have taken a moment every day, to ask, “If I die tomorrow, am I happy with what I did on my last day?” Now I know we need means for the ends to be able to accomplish some things we would want to – if we truly lived like today was our last. But I take it into perspective, because I know and listen to people constantly wanting to mend a broken relationship, or even just get a mani-pedi. DO IT. Will all things turn out in our favor? No. But no matter how any moment turns out, you now have the ability to say you did it. If you wake up tomorrow, theres a new opportunity (a New Beginning, if you will 😉 ) to either save face, find closure, or even revel in the glorious outcome that may have come from whatever it was you wanted to do.

I know this is no easy task, we are all victim to vulnerability, shame, self-doubt. But if even a small change in mindset can bring you to think about possibly having no tomorrow, what would you do? Or even just TRY to do? This all comes down to just being present and thinking about it a different way.

Ask her/him out, sign up for that race, join that meet up, read the extra book, go on that vacation, apply for that job. So many things that seem simple that we hold back due to the unknown reaction we may receive. Just DO IT.

If tomorrow never comes, would you be happy how you ended today?

Stay present, my friends, xoxo ❤

Non-traditional

~ NewBeginnings ~ 1 Comment

I was chatting with a friend earlier today, about the new year, blah blah.. and à la Carrie Bradshaw – I couldn’t help but wonder – what is it with traditions?

So like, we know what a tradition is: n – a long-established custom or belief that has been passed on from one generation to another. Or, in laymen’s terms – something that we “always” do.

I think I mentioned this in my last post or maybe I was just talking about it to someone, but for as long as I have been in SoCal, not one NYE has been the same. Come to think about it, no Christmas either. The closest thing to holiday traditions would be Thanksgiving, I do visit my brother every year. And possibly my Birthday – the past couple years I spent it my local watering hole, but every year has been a little different, the people mostly.

I guess my point is, the conversation from this morning was geared more at NYE, and I was having a moment, bc one of those “on this day, 85 years ago..” posts popped up and it was a NYE in Boston and the photo was insinuating the consumption of the proper bubbly concoction of champagne and Chambord. I remember making this drink another NYE while here in SoCal.. and I said out loud this morning, “All I wanted was Champagne and Chambord, I drank those every New Years!” And hence.. this is where I feel “traditions” fall flat.

The thing with – Holiday – traditions specifically, is that they are realistically short-lived. Or maybe this is just in my experience. Because as all things in life, nothing is forever.. which means, even if life is the most wonderful, eventually we all will die.

Therefore, once that moment happens, say, a person who passes, the current form of tradition, in a sense, changes. I say this because, I was seeing a lot of “what happens when the glue that holds us together leaves (is gone, or passes away)?”, posts, on the socials this year. Many commented with: MAKE NEW GLUE (ok maybe some didn’t yell, exactly, but yelling in text has been a delight lately, so thats all me lol). I digress, point is, new glue = a change in tradition.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying “traditions” are silly or meaningless, bc I definitely loved when I was part of one, or carried one on. But I guess, especially after this past year.. we need to normalize change. And I know we have all heard: “The only constant in life is CHANGE,” however, do we actually KNOW that? And ACCEPT it?

This has always been the scariest and most exciting thing to me. Change. I love it because in the 8 years living in SoCal, I have made about 7 friend groups (I just counted lol) – and in those groups are further sub-groups. I think about this, bc that means on average, I make a new friend group a year. THINK ABOUT THAT. I just hear all the silly people in my ear: “How do you meet people WITHOUT dating apps/apps in general?! It’s SO HARD.” No, its called GO OUTSIDE. Go to your local watering hole, go take a yoga class, go for a run, read a book at a coffee shop, and idk, when I was back east, everyone married each other at work! So just go to work! LOL (heres lookin at you #eastcoastfidofam) Thats how I have met people and made connections, then met other people through those people, and it goes on. And mind you, if you know me at all, you know I despise people who bother me at bars, lol, and at the coffee shop, etc.. but there is always someone who meets my energy, and the vibe is good, and friendships, and other ‘ships are made.

Through these ‘ships, some have kept and stayed since day one, i.e. I moved here in October, I met one of my best friend in November (from a mutual friend, she was looking for a new roommate), I moved in, in December, and the rest is history. Now, the volleyball friend group I met the following May/June? Inseparable like the first year. Then off-and-on the following, I was maid-of-honor at one of their weddings, then shortly after.. SEE YA. Lol. I mean, it wasn’t due to poor intentions, but life happened. Aside from random social media check-ins, I only talk to one person from that group still. ONE. And it’s not even on a consistent basis, lol.

I can go on about all the groups, those loves lost, and friendships of auld lang syne, but my point is: I, we, all of us – meet new people every.single.day. Whether we want those people in our lives or not is another story, but the opportunity is there, and those people are part of our daily “change.”

Tying these ideas of tradition and change together, is why it is all so exciting and scary at the same time to me. Because we have the opportunity to meet and experience new people/things on the daily. Think about that on a people aspect for a sec, how amazing is that?! Constantly making an impact or adding wonderful people to your life. BUT on that same notion, WE HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO MEET AND EXPERIENCE NEW PEOPLE/THINGS ON THE DAILY.

Y’all see where I’m going here?! Which means.. the people and things you experience today.. may not be the same people/things you experience in a year, a month, a week even. And as I wander through therapy to heal and repair myself, I realized that

  1. this is why loyalty and the idea of tradition is so important to me (people leaving/moments never happening again)
  2. this is why commitment is hard for me to accept (people leaving/moments never happening again)

I’m sure many people have had the feeling of this yo-yo/parallel emotion of wanting things to stay the same, but still yearning for change. I mean, as far as people are concerned, it takes a lot for me to actually trust someone and consider them my people. But at the same time, I’m high-five-ing and hiking with all these fun new people! But this is also normal for most, I think. We have all these friends, but only like 5 core people or whatever.

Anyway, because the only constant is change, how are traditions even possible? I mean, for me, the definition isn’t exactly set in stone, bc in basic terms, it’s just a long-established custom or belief (passed down from generations) – so those customs can include anyone? Like imma just make people, say, go to Christmas Eve services with me bc thats what my family did? And what exactly happens once that tradition isn’t done? (bc I haven’t gone to Christmas Eve services in like 39574594 years) Does that mean the tradition dies? Or does it become more nostalgic.. like my Champagne and Chambord on NYE? OR are traditions personal/singular? Because what if my brother hated celebrating Christmas on Christmas Eve like our family has done every year (with or without us there, pretty much every year until this year). I would think that would mean it’s NOT a tradition for him, but it still is with the “family”?

Anywayyy, in all this gibberish, and for someone who focuses on the little things #details, I just find the “bigger picture” fascinating. With everyday being a literal new beginning it’s a wild flurry of excitement and fear of the new, and possible loss of whatever is not-new. And I guess, as a side note, as much as I truly believe that you can:

“Meet someone tomorrow who has better intentions for you than someone you have known forever. Time means nothing, character does.”

I do have so much respect, and admiration to those who have kept any tradition, or people in their lives for a long time. I think of one of my Aquarian Soul-Sisters, who I have been best friends with for omg.. FIFTEEN YEARS?! And although there was a small snippet of time where we were off running our lives, we have literally been soul- inseparable (we live on opposite coasts now 😦 ) But think about it – 15years. Thats a lot of time to meet a whole lot of people. I mean in just 8 years, I have 7 different friend groups! So that also makes me wonder, are things just meant to be? Or is it all a choice?

This is also why couples who have been together for 10, 20, 50 years (and are in HEALTHY relationships) are admirable. Again, that’s a lot of time to meet so many people. Some say, you must “choose” your partner every day. Like working out, it’s a choice #priorities. Is THAT all tradition is? A choice, a conscious decision, to do or keep things continuing?

Anywayyy, I’m just going down a rabbit hole now. So if you made it this far, embrace the change. Accept traditions that may have been “lost”. Let yourself be sad if you lose a friend or lose touch with a colleague. Constantly remind yourself (or at least TRY to) that the chances of all the same.exact.people being there, in a few weeks time even, is not a sure bet. That being said, cherish every moment. Enjoy the time you have with others, and also in the activities you are involved in; and of course, take care of the ones who never seem to leave (that are HEALTHY relationships), and continue any “tradition” you’re still able to. Because as great as new opportunities are, new people, new traditions.. what is new may also be a replacement, and sometimes not for the better. And then you find yourself on January 1st, some random year, wondering where your Champagne and Chambord was on NYE.

Cheers!

p.s. are you now in a tug-o-war with excitement and fear for tomorrow!? eek! I half apologize if that is now happening, but it is also one of the BEST feelings in the world. #itscalledbeinggrateful

i love elephants, and theres one in the room

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Its name is 2020. Need I say more?

Well, I’m gonna! Lol

I was thinking this morning and chatting with my roommate about the past year, and we discussed not only how crazy this year has been.. But more so, how much can change, in so “little” time. By little, I mean anything from 1 month, to an entire year. And yes, a year is a small amount of time in the big picture of life. As I approach 30-10 (yes I will use this for as long as I can, and be annoying about it and I don’t care, bc I am not part of those people above 39) One year seems so small now – I’ve started looking at life in, like, 5 year increments. Point is, we talked about last year – and the beginning of this year (before pandemic lockdowns) and we reminisced about when I moved in, in April. Literally within a month, I searched for a new home, got denied for my current place because someone was already getting background checked, then getting a call that it fell through, and the place is mine after all!

Fast forward and here we are, 7 months later, and I can’t believe it’s almost been a year. On top of life events, we also talked about relationships.. And as we approach another new year, I realized I have not done the same thing, or spent time with the same people 2 years in a row for New Years. I literally looked back at my socials and checked every New Years I celebrated since moving to SoCal, and the closest I got to spending time, or celebrating with the same people would be 2014 and 2016 (I think? I cant remember anymore, all I remember was there was a year gap in between) I spent New Years with one of my cousins and that group of friends. Then again 2018 and 2020, I celebrated with friends and one friend in particular was there both years. But even then, both events were very different and the people involved were even more different, aside from the one familiar face.

I don’t know if this is the same for all you reading, but my life in particular, clearly revolves around meeting new people all the time, creating new connections, friendships, and sadly weaning out those who no longer keep my soul on fire.

I even think back to a particular Birthday of a wonderful person, who I no longer really connect with anymore.. but I spent about $200 if I remember correctly, on this person for her Birthday. She never had a Spa/Massage experience, and I wanted to give that gift of experience for her. Some people thought I was a little crazy as I had only known this person maybe a year at this point, but we had gown closer the past couple months – and I distinctly remember saying something along the lines of: You never know what is going to happen tomorrow, I may never celebrate another Birthday with her again, so I’m taking advantage of time now, and just the mere fact that I can afford such gift, because THAT could be the change in coming years as well.

I also remember the faces of the people I said this to. I wish we could be constantly reminded of that idea, because literally within 3 months of that Birthday, I broke up with a mutual friend I was dating, tension arose, and then a separate issue of mis-communication happened.. and here we are no longer close, lol.

As I was thinking about these events this morning within my roommate chat, I somehow got so excited for tomorrow, I actually started to tear up. Because as much as the unknown scares me.. i.e. this is why I’m still single, (bc the thought of losing someone in a blink of an eye is scarier than knowing it could be forever) I ABSOLUTELY LOVE the idea and fact that anything is possible tomorrow.

And I know I have blogged about this in the past – but I think with all that has happened this year.. the excitement, and hope, and faith in the future is just emotional for me right now. Maybe because I just want to manifest so much for myself and those I love. Maybe because I’ve felt lonely for the first time, in a LONG time, and knowing the possibilities are endless in meeting new people or even reuniting with people from days before. And not that I’m saying going back to exes is ever a good idea, but truth be told, I have a handful of “loves lost” that are very good friends, and it’s wild to think back to the person I was then vs the person I am today.

That’s the thing with connections.. they are just THERE. You can’t quite explain it, the same way as when there ISN’T a connection. And sometimes, as we have read in all the clichéd quotes, sometimes, you meet people for a reason, a season, and whatever else comes next.. but you get my point.

As I start to think about how to close out this random-ass post, that I just decided to do because: 1) its literally been almost a year since my last post, and 2) we are headed into the season of giving and gratefulness – I guess I want to make sure ya’ll get something out of this.

So long story, a little longer – as I was looking at the past year, it was also a bit upsetting. This time last year, I was invited to go to Bali. This time last year I was booking hotel and airfare to Boston for one of my most favorite peoples wedding. 90% of 2019 was an adventure and I finally felt like I was learning who I was. I had posts going into December, then January (Birthday Season!), about how busy 2020 was already turning out to be. I planned a small Birthday outing because Europe 2020 was supposed to be the plan for the 30-10 celebration. Everything was cancelling from that point on.

But on a recent zoom meeting at work, first question was: how are you feeling? One of the next questions was about how to improve culture, and one of my favorite people made me rethink the year. She said (and I paraphrase here): Although its been a tough year, there was still SO MUCH good. We had people making babies, having babies, getting married, buying homes, getting engaged – and that was just people from work!

I thought about this personally, I ALSO had friends having babies, buying land and building homes, and making huge moves like I did at 31 to another state to see what else is out there in the world. There was good, lots of it. It was just hidden by the loud screams of society. And by screams, I mean the non-factual, negative, shouting from many different sides on many different issues. When it comes to important issues, its one thing to debate, argue even.. FACTS – but its another to just yell opinions with no basis of truth. If you know anything about me – I love facts! I love truth. Because whether we like it or not, facts and truths allow people to make decisions. And its nothing we can challenge. This is also why I love emotions – dem betches don’t lie.

Moving on, point of that last story share, is that all these small details, I assume are the reason for this newfound hope and optimism. Because there is still good no matter how bad anything seems. And to bridge all these points, its the people that help bring us there.

Look at who is around you, what’s that saying? You are who your closest 5 friends are.. (or whatever) Who are those people!? Are they good support systems? Do they challenge you? Is there anyone you have learned from? Should you reach out to them again if they fell of your life wagon? Is there someone you need to push OFF the wagon?! Are there people fueling your fire? Or are they stealing your heat to improve their own flame and leave you cold?

As we close out one of the most turbulent years most of us have ever experienced, remember its been proven that people and community are what keeps people happy and provide longevity. This is a great time, if you don’t already, to revisit wants and needs – and the people behind them. Because again, the only constant in life is change. And as scary as that is for me – mainly my fear of losing people – I do truly feel so good about what’s to come because life can change in a millisecond. I am choosing to view that as a positive, and I hope y’all absorb that energy in whatever aspect of your life needs it.

I will now leave you with my screenshot below where my message transcends people and describes all aspects of life, work, hobbies, etc.. ❤ Can’t wait for more of those conversations.

Cheers!

the most wonderful time of the year

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

It’s Birthdayyy Seasonnn! 🙂

I’m sure you newbies are wondering why the heck I enjoy ticking off another year of life off the tick-sheet, like it’s some kind of CELEBRATION?! Lmaooo well, another year, another New Beginning.

Birthday Season to me, as I know it is for others, is a time of reflection. Where were you this time last year? Where are you now? And not for anything, it doesn’t matter what happened or what you did. And this sounds cray coming from someone whose sole purpose in life is to travel and experience ALL THE THINGS. And I am so pumped of all the traveling and experiences I did/had the past year.

But what it really comes down to is.. Did you learn anything? About yourself, about others, about life? Anything? Did you at least learn what a good cup of coffee tastes like? Point is, I had a year of ups and downs almost as perfect as the dictionary can describe either action.

I started the first part of the year traveling, experiencing, feeling so free and determined, found passions in things, motivated to find a career with purpose. I struggled with a hint of heartache around May.. Then June happened.

Another loss in the family in the past 16mo. I didn’t talk about it much to you “outsiders” lol, but if you know anything about my family dynamic you understand. Losing my Nana last year was harder than ever expected, and this year was difficult in a different way. After having to be emotionally strong for others, I was off again traveling and experiencing things with no time to absorb the internal stress that was created. I know, white people problems, #sorrynotsorry.

Then mid-July came. I had already been struggling since June and been in therapy more than ever. That trip back “home” in June really took me to a place internally I never thought I’d have to deal with again. The resentment, anger, pain, other words that can’t nearly explain the emotional vomit that came flooding my insides. Through all this, I was still breaking my own heart thinking I could love someone enough to have them love me back (I know this is unrealistic and pathetic, stop judging). I shut my phone off for 2 weeks because the anxiety of seeing other people’s lives was actually painful.

Oh and the drinking – hahahaha I promise I don’t love drinking as much as I actually consumed during the summer months.

Depression set in. I barely got out of bed, except to drink, and work. Y’all are lucky if I showered. I was a complete and utter mess. Now mind you, I still trudged through life with a smile on my face, and did the only thing I know to do that makes me feel good. Give to others. Pep-talk? I’m there! Ride to the airport #obvi (I mean, I LOVE doing this anyway lol, lets be honest) Concert tickets? LETS DOOO THISSSS. Plane tickets?! I’ve given awayyyyy worseee.

And then fall and winter happened, and here we are! Lol, I know thats a huge zip through, but these past couple months started bringing the year into perspective.

I LEARNED:

1) It’s ok to not have a “good year” even though you still had MANY good things happen.

2) That although losses are difficult, whether in life, friendships, or relationships, those people and moments brought you here, and gave you understanding of something new.

3) People really do come and go as you need them. This pains my heart because I wish I could keep you all! But holding on too tight to anything: ropes, steering wheels, dog leashes, emotions.. lol, starts hurting more than letting go.

This is why I love Birthday Season, and join it with why I live by quotes – Someone, somewhere, has a way to put your emotions to words when you can’t.

They say (whoever they are) that “birthdays are good for your health.. people with more of them live longer.”

Sorry, lame joke, but for reals. This is why every year, every day, every moment, matters. We don’t know when our last day will be. All we know is now. So if you get another Birthday, CELEBRATE dammit! Hehehe

Reflect, learn, and be better. Not sure if you know this, but life isn’t a competition. What only matters is where each of us are going, and where our own paths lead us. Maybe thats why I love running, the only time to beat is what I ran last time. Me, my time.

Me, my life. You, your life.

Thankfully though, some of us will help and motivate each other through the next year. I love cheering at races and finish lines! I cry all sorts of happy tears, lol.

Be kind, celebrate yourselves, be present, and if you can, love, xoxo.

Cheers!

ghost of everyday pasts (unedited)

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

The holidays bring about many emotions. One in particular is, I mean, not unhealthy necessarily, but is one reason many people get depressed: Nostalgia.

Now don’t get me wrong, being nostalgic is wonderful in many cases, it reminds you of good times, times you often forget about in childhood, wonderful traditions that bring a warm fuzzy feeling.. But what people tend to forget when you blast yourself into the past is, that you’re not there anymore. I know that seems a little obvious, but this is something I realized more this year than any other year.

I read somewhere once, something along the lines of: It’s ok to feel.. immerse yourself in the emotion, then let it go, do not dwell, do not live there.

The holidays, however, we try and live there. And I mean, this can go all year long really, with any moment that triggers a memory, but the holidays we just feel more. It’s an emotional time in general. You remember times that you will never have again, people who have left, and warmth that never seems to feel as warm.

This by no means is a problem, hence, nostalgia.. but remember not to dwell, or linger, or live there. So many times we fall into the memory hole and forget the blessings in front of you. And thats not to say discount your feelings of the past, but for some reason, generally speaking, people are so fascinated by what happened yesterday, 3 years ago, or even when we were 2. I know I may have written about this concept before that: if you focus on yesterday, how will you make new friends, meet your soulmate, have babies even?! Those moments are now. Things are happening all the time, every second of every day.

I know there are fears of forgetting people, or even ourselves.. being afraid that once we leave this world our impact will be forgotten. The spirit of anyone who has lived any sort of life, lives on in what we do in their memory. Their impact on us is what lives on. My Nana, for example, I was missing her more than I ever expected recently. I’ll say the reason is because my anxiety was real bad this year. She was the one person in my life, from what I’ll always remember, that no matter how terrible we thought life was, and I mean, I remember when I was younger complaining about everything under the sun, from stupid boys, to high school angst.. and even when I got divorced and I was embarrassed at myself, and thought I was a miserable human being, she was always the person who would acknowledge the pain, the problem, but then remind me that I was stronger than any of those things. Her cup always runneth over, and she would always say things like, “well there’s nothing you can do about it now,” and “you’ll find something better,” or “I never worry about my Kara because she always figures it out.” Another was, “my Kara, always doing wonderful things,” lol. And all of that is paraphrasing obvi, because, it’s the past, we physically can’t remember every detail of every moment, so I’m sure I missed a lot in those conversations. And this is why we can’t live there, in the past, because even what we do remember is never 100% accurate. (Why live in a lieeee lol you get my point)

Anyway, I chose to keep that goodness in me and spread the same sort of ideals as she did. Now, is my execution as good as what I remember of Nana? Probably not, or maybe it’s better? I have no real way of knowing, but those moments impacted me enough to know that the way we view things can really affect how we react to them. And just as the fact of, “there’s nothing you can do about it now,” is so true about anything, even moments as recent as a minute ago. So just as Nana tried to instill in us that today is a new day, and tomorrow can even be better, that lives on, at least in me (to new beginnings!!). And if I make any sort of impact on others, that spirit continues on.

So bringing this full circle, when you find yourself lingering in moments that no longer spark joy, or even ones that do, remember that even good memories are selective, and come back and see what’s in front of you. Life comes in waves, and the things that no longer serve you, or even things that are just no longer relevant, always come back in some way. Let them pass, feel them flow through, all the good, all the bad, remember not to dwell, do not live there. Because before you know it, you’re either under water, or trying to swim back to shore. Just let it flow through, and enjoy the beautiful view that is in front of you.

In the spirit of the the holidays, stay present, my friends ❤