the longest facebook post ever.

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Now don’t get upset, but this won’t be about the longest fb post ever.

Honestly, I’m partially happy that I didn’t go fb-happy during the holidays this year and here’s why..

I was too busy actually spending time with people.

And let me tell you, I tried! Hahaha I did.. part of me started getting frustrated at the fact that I was unable to post all the pictures and all my annoying Christmas, i.e. Jesus’ Birthday, cheer and New Years hopefulness. For the first time in a long time, I felt it was more important to actually absorb everything around me instead of trying to let people (who could prob care less anyway) know what I was doing, and how exciting! it all was.

I totally understand the concept and the importance of social media so don’t get me wrong. I understand that without it, friendships may not have been saved, or long-distance family time would be more than scarce. Trust me, it helps me everyday keep in touch with my long-distance loves ❤ I also know many a people who have met loves of their lives on social networks. But I also know how it has ruined relationships and hindered actual social lives.

If you have read anything of mine, you will know that I feel the spirit of any holiday (and/or birthday) should carry throughout the year, not just that day, or time; because we should be celebrating life and all it brings everyday. However, “reality” for most, isn’t my way of thinking. Knowing this, we should be more diligent in taking the time during those holidays that focus on family, friends, and sharing, and actually spend the time doing it vs telling internet people about it. And per usual, I am sorry that I always seem to get a little bit morbid.. But, the time we waste during those crucial moments, even just minutes, are minutes not spent with people we apparently love. Those minutes may come in handy one day.. when you are counting them down.

So my Christmas? If you’re still wondering.. was spent in NYC.. with family.. a new family at that, and even though they weren’t my own, they deserved all the love and magic.. and cupcakes! Christmas had to offer. Because that’s what Christmas is all about. Jesus.. (had to!) and family. (Which really go hand-in-hand if you know anything about Christianity) Anyway -rant.over- the entire time I was there, it wasn’t so much about what we were doing anyway, but who was doing what. Were we all together? Was someone still sleeping? And honestly, the best moments were the conversations around the kitchen table.. or possibly playing Heads Up (no, not 7up) because karaoke and karate are pretty similar.. just sayin.

And New Years? I might add.. Was also spent with family, mine this time, and some friends with lots of food and drink. Nothing too crazy, which is out-of-the-ordinary for me, but still splendid all the same.

This past year was another crazy chapter in my life-book. There were plenty roller-coaster moments.. some over-exaggerations, lots of emoji faces.. I laughed, I cried, and had more than enough learning-mistakes. I met several amazing people – two of which, keep me on my toes, and refuse to let me live by a plan.. and more in the moment ❤ – and I made some overly-amazing friends. I survived my first year back in the sate of my birth and full-circled back to one of the best companies out there that was so gracious to offer me a new, great job. I survived the darkest of times, a mechanical bull accident, my new job transition.. in the middle of the holidays, mind you.. which included a business trip two weeks before Christmas! and I even survived meeting my boyfriends’ family. AH!

My annoying optimism will admit, this was a perfect year.. just like all the rest. Because how can any year not be perfect if I’m still standing?

So here’s to another frustratingly-exciting, magically-wild, overly-emotional, and crazily-awesome year.

Cheers!

Happy Birthday!

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

It’s that time of year again.. where you all can’t stand my posts of giving thanks and love.

But thankfully you’ll probably still keep reading anyway 😉 hehe.

So it is that time, where (at least in the US) we begin to focus on being Thankful and we begin the Season of Giving. Well what if I told you we could do this all year long? Everyday even. And I’m not saying this metaphorically like “We should love each other every day of the year, not just on a fake holiday we call Valentines Day.” Or “We should be thankful everyday for family and friends not just on Thanksgiving.” Yah I know I’ve heard it too.

What I’m trying to say is that.. I mean it. It’s simple really, and many of us (not just crazy people like me) do this everyday.

It’s called Birthdays. Now, I know what you’re thinking.. “Oh goodness Kara, we get it, you love your birthday because it’s your one day to celebrate yourself.” And, “I think I’ve read this already.. on this same blog!” Ok, yes, if there’s one thing anyone can agree on, it’s that I do love my birthday and birthdays in general 🙂 but aside from my love of birthdays proving my own point, (you’ll see how this relates soon) I am honestly trying to explain mere observations I have had.

To start, I do not, for the love of God, understand why some people dislike Birthdays. The whole crying about getting old bit is well.. getting old. Seriously. Because while these people are complaining about “another year older” they seem to be forgetting that there are hundreds, millions even, who never made it to their second birthday.. maybe even their first. On top of that, I know (as I’m sure many of you know) people who are fighting, and surviving cancer. I even heard more great news last week! But I have also lost friends who did not get to win that fight. I know old people, survivors of major accidents, and even some of those miserable people who are bitter every year that goes by because they can’t grasp getting “old”. But I also have friends who didn’t make past the age of 21.. or 16 even.. and I have an uncle who didn’t make it through his 40s. Birthdays, yes, are celebrations, but they are also reminders.

Long story, long.. this brings me to my point. WHY?! The easiest, most fun, and best way to be thankful everyday is to Celebrate Birthdays!! And I mean like really celebrate like you mean it, like you are happy to be alive. Not celebrate that you are one year older, but that you made it another year.. because sadly, there are many who did not make it this far. I’m not trying to be a debbie-downer here, I’m just trying to open some eyes. Don’t you see? Every birthday is a day to be thankful and celebrate life.

And even with what your faith or beliefs are.. whatever reason we have that some people leave us too soon, we still know that to make it another day here on earth is a blessing. We always seem to forget about the alternative. Birthdays remind us that we are blessed.

Knowing this, why would we not want to celebrate making it another day, never mind another year! Without birthdays there would be no people.. and without people, no life.

So Celebrate Life this week and this Holiday Season. Be Thankful for Birthdays. Celebrate them.. all of them. It is someone’s Birthday everyday. If you are on Facebook, you know this is true! And feel Blessed for the mere fact that you are here and able to celebrate.

Give Thanks & Be Thankful.. for simply being alive.

who knew!?

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I never thought I’d say this..

But man that last post was filled with some angst. Hahaha.. Oh well, this post may not be any different..

..In the explanation of cycles!

We all have them, it’s the life roller coaster effect.. up & down. Up & down. Tax time comes every year.. The holidays make us penniless until then.. etc. It’s every year, or every month if your a woman.. can I get an lol?! (<<that was some lame humor right there, HA! I apologize)

But what I really thought I would never say.. Is that.. I miss having a routine. WHAT!? I know right?! For a girl who loves to teeter at the end of my comfort zone and live in a whirlwind of possibility, this is crazy-talk.

Let me tell you a little story:

This recent routine-missing, if I can even call it one, is one of health.. and boy can I not stand it! Anything can happen.. I sneeze, I’m stressed, I hiccup, I lose my routine. I never thought I’d even enjoy a routine until I had one! When I first moved to SoCal, it took me about a month or two to settle in, get a job, find an apartment.. the works. I then got a gym membership, found my nearest Trader Joes, and continued the life I once loved. Full of good wholesome food, an active lifestyle, and weekends to have fun. It was almost perfect.. I worked, came home, ate a small dinner, sometimes napped, headed to the gym, went to bed.. I did this about 3-4 days a week. I squeezed in some 5-day workout weeks in there when I was feeling wild! I was finally running like normal and reaching small goals. My roommate at the time even forced me out the door into the sand where I started playing the love of my life, volleyball, again.

That created an even better routine! I now could alleviate some work days and workout on Saturday and/or Sunday depending on plans. Volleyball motivated me to work out that extra day even if it was just a 30min run.

And then! Somewhere in July, I fractured my thumb.. arghhhh! I tried to be good, but I made an attempt to play twice in August, which did not help the matter.. and I am still out of volleyball commission. I’m out for the season! 😦

But during the healing in August.. I started running more, so I was compensating my time out on the sand with time on the treadmill.. Not overly exciting, but I was still getting my workout on and pushing more running goals.

September rolled around and I visited New England, gave myself anxiety over the boyf’s birthday, and kind of tumbled off the wagon. When October hit, fall was in the air, and I wanted to get back on that horse of a wagon! So I went back to my second favorite workout, Bikram Yoga. LOVE. Well.. yah.. that worked out for two weeks, then work got crazy prepping for the holidays, and I found myself in the midst of stress-induced headaches, stress-eating, and terrible sleeping patterns. It didn’t help that I was also in the interview process for a job I really wanted and was losing my brain over that too. All that and getting the stomach flu last week. (I got the job btw! WHOOP! I start on Monday! Which is another possible cause of stress.)

Anyway, here I am.. back in the bottom of this terrible life-cycle. And I know the previous paragraph is filled with excuses, but for some reason, when I’m off a ‘routine’ I almost feel pushed down. Like, womp womp.. I’ve fallen and I can’t get up! I would love to say, ‘I can’t wait to be back on a work-workout-home cycle again’ but really, will that ever happen again? I feel like every time I find myself in one.. it’s smooth sailing for all of three months then something crazy happens.. like a thumb fracture!

At this point, I am focusing on my diet, and putting that back to normal.. Got to keep that mac n cheese on the weekends! Especially with Thanksgiving breathing down my neck, my diet will be important before the food-baby event. I also am trying new workouts. Like my efforts at pilates tonight for the first time. A nice 15min beginner class.. WHAT?! My entire core hurts already! 15 minutes?! Yup, can’t wait to do it again! I realized in the past month, if I switch up my workouts, I am way more susceptible to keep working out even if its 2-3 days a week.. If I can make it through the Holidays, I can make it through anything I tell you.

Oh and did I mention I’m meeting the boyf’s fam for Christmas.. Oh yah. Stress-eating should commence in about 3 more weeks.. I’ll be back at square one in no time. AH!

a beautiful mess.

~ NewBeginnings ~ 1 Comment

I don’t know if I’ve ever blogged about this, but..

I am a beautiful  m e s s.

I’ve been that way all my life. I live to please people. I am the positive spark that keeps motivation alive. I am the clever sarcasm that allows laughter to break through walls. I am the friend who will let you in.. or answer my phone.. at 2am if you are lost or stranded. I am a giver. I give more than I have many times, and compensate by living moderately.

Although I don’t always believe it, I have been blessed with beauty. My eyes, they always shine. They glitter with happiness. There isn’t an ounce of me that won’t, for one second, try and make you laugh.. even in my most miserable of days. I am honest. Almost to a fault.. hahahaha 😉 I always see both sides to a story. I believe in the impossible.

This is where it gets messy. I am so positive, so shining, so focused on keeping other emotions alive, so expected to be this way.. that there are days, weeks even.. this one in particular, where every vulnerability, every fear, every bit of insecurity bursts out every pore. The tears fighting.. and I mean  f i g h t i n g  to stay in my little eyeballs. Tears people. Tears that only about 5 people in my life have ever seen. 5.

And honestly it partially angers me. Because you would think that someone of my nature who does nothing but smile, and can make a joke about the ‘darkest of days’, could have more people around when my emotions have hiccups. Instead what I get are awkward moments of confusion. I’m serious. It’s strange.

People ask the required, “Are you ok? I’m here to talk about it if you want.” And I know deep down these sad souls have no clue what they are talking about, because the minute an emotion surfaces, the conversation quickly turns to something more generic like work, or weekend plans. Why.. why ask at all? If you can’t handle me being normal, then just allow me to continue my routine that I am so very well versed in. Because I get it. I can barely handle myself too in these moments. But I guess it’s a double-edged sword. With no expression of emotion at the time of the emotion.. it builds.. and hence becomes me, right now. An over-emotional-beautiful-mess.  Literal emotional vomit.

Knowing this has made me cynical of those who are the same way.. Engaging and positive, happy and glowing all the time. I assume they are hiding something deep. In most cases, it’s true. There are many people like me, because there is just no physical way to constantly be emotionally perfect. Everyone needs an outlet or an explosion.

So why then? Why must we play these charades? Why can’t people handle emotion? If we just dealt with them we would probably love each other more because we would see who we actually are. Which might explain the 3 friends I have. They allow me to be vulnerable.

My apologies that this has just turned into a mini rant.. which I guess exemplifies the ‘mess’ in my beautiful. But for those who can empathize, can we try and break down those barriers?! It would surely make my life much easier.

And for those who only expect my beautiful I say: Don’t ask me questions if you don’t want the answer.. and in turn, don’t question my charade when its you, who in fact, can’t handle the real.

The end.

back to the drawing board.

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

i literally just erased this entire post about 30 minutes ago.

i realized, one: i like typing in lowercase, hehe.. and two: i keep these drafts that are meant to be finished at the time of emotion.. yet they just sit in my queue. the universe must be telling me something. ive noticed that when i stretch and stretch out thoughts.. the main idea tends to get lost. i start focusing on my grammar more than my thought.

knowing this.. i decided to just type up a recap of this last post that i meant to publish, and just explain the angst inside me as simple as possible.

Ahem.. So.. after 11 months of being away, I took a trip back East.. visited some peeps, went on a few adventures.. had the BEST.BREAKFAST.EVER, but missed my bestest waitress 😦 I felt comfort in the city and lost in the woods. I realized within two days that this was no longer “home”. I then realized days later on the plane back West.. that one: I have been struggling with this idea of “home” for a while, and two: there were now only about 3 people that I could still call family.

This trip was a great learning experience. Most people found my explanation of my trip rather strange.. not understanding my confusion with feelings. You see I thought, as most of the people who know me thought, that I would land in Boston, breathe in the air, have a cannoli.. then drive up into the woods and relish in all its greenery.. and one changing leaf.

But that didn’t happen. I mean, I was very happy to see people.. some more than others, of course.. it’s always about the people. However, there was something weird and unsettling about it all. In all the familiarity and comfort, it’s like I no longer belonged. And maybe this was just a taste of my own medicine. Because for 18 of the 18yrs I lived in New England.. all I talked about was moving back West. I was always a SoCal girl to many.. I was a SoCal girl at heart.

SoCal was where I fell in love with the ocean, where I learned to play volleyball at the age of 9. Where I grew up learning from my father that I could do whatever I wanted as long as I worked hard enough.. and don’t let anyone tell me otherwise because I was a girl (you got it dad! 🙂 ).

But New England.. New England is where my love for the ocean grew, and where I was given the opportunity to play volleyball through college. It’s where I saw first hand that it is hard work that you needed to succeed. It’s like SoCal was the idea, and New England was the blueprint (for simplicity’s sake we’ll call it a plan).. and now full circle.. I am on to the execution stage.

It’s funny too, because thats exactly how I feel. Like I am taking two pieces of life and trying to make them fit together. And they can’t. Because plans come from ideas.. and you cant execute anything without a plan.

So instead of trying to figure out what “home” is, I am trying to find comfort in knowing that I love both places in different ways, and more important, both places are a piece of me.. whether I like it or not. One is the spark, the other the flame.

I just need to focus on loving the ideas I love, and re-evaluating the plans I don’t love.. to keep working on the execution.

i dont know why i never posted this..

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

In sifting through some past journal entries, I found something from March of 2011.

In it, I wrote about a couple of friends who said something to me about “Learning to accept the things that haven’t happened and move on.”

On the previous page, I wrote about my anxiety about my plans for the future, and having concern that I had lost my idea of what my ‘Dreams’ were.. because you can’t follow something that doesn’t exist.

Anyway, I continued to write about the fact that I did not agree with this statement of ‘accepting things that haven’t happened’. Because I wanted to make things happen. Even if it was in small doses. I wrote about moving to CA (oh look at that!) and saying that I’d rather make it out here and last 3months than never making an effort at all. Because really, just because something hasn’t happened doesn’t mean it still can’t. If we just accept the things that haven’t happened, then what is the point of having dreams or aspirations? Why dream at all?

Looking back, I can obviously see what my friends were trying to say.. because right, you can’t change the past, you can’t change things that haven’t happened. You shouldn’t live and wonder ‘what if’. I think that was the point for me though, and the reason why I disagreed. Because there is always tomorrow. So why move on? Why even have a ‘what if’?! Take tomorrow by the horns and make something happen.

In my 32 years of my existence I have learned the obvious: We cannot change the past.. but that does not mean that what we have not accomplished cannot still be done now. Or tomorrow. And as crazy as life may be, and as fragile – and short even – there is still an opportunity to make things happen. And more so, a reason to be motivated. Knowing life is uncertain gives more of a reason to conquer today and think about those ‘what if’s’ and turn them into ‘this is what happened when I..’

Still thinking about that old college friend? Social Networking was created for you. Mad at yourself for not asking that guy/girl out last month? You probably know where to find them.. just do it. What’s the worst that can happen? They tell you they’re engaged!? BAHAHA (inside joke, and either way, at least now you know, and you’ve got a good story) Trying to get a Masters? a PhD? If money is a factor, start one class at a time. In the end, you will feel even more accomplished.

My point is, I would rather accept – what people call – ‘failure’ in trying. I would rather be late in the game, and getting even just a small piece of what I wanted, rather than accepting the nothingness of never trying. Why even have the talk about ‘accepting things that haven’t happened’? Why not just make them happen.. no matter how small, no matter how much time has passed. I would rather have stories to tell, even embarrassing ones, than having to ‘learn to accept..’ a nothing.

ode to family..

~ NewBeginnings ~ 2 Comments

It’s funny how the one place I wanted to leave for so long is now the only place I want to be right now.

For almost a year, I have been living “uncomfortably”. That whole Life begins at the end of your comfort zone idea was really ringing true, and I liked it. I still do. But oddly enough, what I never expected is that when it comes to comfort, it’s not necessarily where you are or what you are doing.. it’s who you are with.

What I realized is that my people, are family more than than they are friends. They have seen the darkest of dark, the craziest of crazy.. every tear shed, every smile shared. They have been there through every bad decision and every highlight. Every aching moment of despair and every hysterical laugh over a chambord margarita.. or a pumpkinhead.. or a gin & tonic.. or a sam summer.. or.. you get the idea, HA! I definitely have not been the most pleasant person to deal with, and even with my most vulnerable moments exposed, they still decided to keep me around. Through these past 10 months living my dream in the “uncomfortable”.. they are the ones who have been there to share every moment. They have been my cheerleaders and my support system.. As hard as it was being 3k miles away.. they took care of me when I was home alone with the flu on New Years Eve. They were high-fiving me through the phone when I finally started playing volleyball again.. and they even gave me a raised eyebrow and a ‘not surprised’ attitude when I fractured my thumb riding a mechanical bull..

It’s amazing, the types of connections people can have with each other. It always comes back to that old saying.. “I’d rather have 4-quarters than 100-pennies.” Thankfully, I have 5 😉

And don’t get me wrong, I have had, and still have, so many Michael Buble moments of “And I’m surrounded by.. A million people I.. Still feel all alone..” So cliche I know, but it’s true. It’s incredible what people can do to a life once they learn all about it.. and more so, how much people need it. In life, what people want most is acceptance and understanding. And even though you can seriously be surrounded by many great people, that doesn’t mean you receive either of those. The hardest part in all this, is finding those people that you can share your life with..

Having been accustomed to a traveling lifestyle as a child, and living a 50/50 life of East Coast, West Coast, the only thing I really strived on accomplishing was being part of a family. From the minute that plane hit NH soil back in 1994, I dreamed of moving back to the Golden State because that’s where I thought my family was, and that’s where I belonged. Yet in the 18 years I lived in the East, I never realized that I was creating the family I always wanted.. one who loved me unconditionally, with no obligation, no expectation.. just love.

And I cannot wait to squeal like a 5yr old when I see all you loves of my life♥

“The most important thing in life is your family. There are days you love them, and others you don’t. But, in the end, they’re the people you always come home to. Sometimes it’s the family you’re born into and sometimes.. it’s the one you make for yourself.” -Sex&theCity

bon anniversaire!

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Anniversaries are just the Birthdays of events. And we all know how much I love Birthdays! Whoop!

The end of July marks an anniversary for me that most people may never admit or even be proud of.. I will have survived an entire year of single-dom.

For some, a year may be nothing.. for others.. it may be a lifetime. For me, I thought a year would feel like a lifetime.. and for those who know me well, this is.. well, absolutely wild and somewhat of a monstrosity. Hahaha 🙂

However, it has been a wonderful year of survival and personal enlightenment. Don’t get me wrong, there have been days where I felt lonely.. I may have even struggled. But these moments were few and far between, and really.. even in the best of relationships, there is always a lonely or struggling moment.

So to this, I applaud myself. Because really, with the demons of my past that I carry around, it really is a surprise that I just didn’t attach myself to the first, sad, young man.. falling at my feet. And what’s even more amazing are the things that I figured out when there was nothing to take care of but myself.

I actually started to value the idea of a relationship. Crazy I know, because many find me cynical. But if you can break a piece of wall or open a window into my insides, you’ll find that it is not cynicism, but really, the complete opposite. I’ve mentioned this in many of my posts, at how in Love I am with the idea of love. Being alone for this long made me appreciate love for what it actually is and put the idea into perspective: I refuse to settle, I refuse to compromise myself. I value teamwork.

I have seen, with my own eyes, that in any relationship, whether friendship or romance, it is not about giving up any part of yourself. It is about working together and finding a solution or balance that suits both parties. Because in the end, working this way, you give up nothing more than arguments and stress. And I’ve learned, that yes, while it may be a difficult road to find that someone who makes it easy to work with, it will be worth it. Here’s an archive that might explain more.

So if you find yourself in this position of single-dom, my only advice is to be strong enough to spend the time alone. I know so many people who have never been single. I know people who during their ‘single’ days, are galavanting off into multiple affairs. Yah, I get it, because I have totally done that myself too, and I guess that’s my point.. for the first time ever in 32 years.. my focus was solely on myself.  More people need to take a min and watch themselves. I have found when people do that, myself included, they find that they are not quite the person even they would have a relationship with.. never mind the judging aspect.

Anywayyy..! Here’s to more new adventures, potential new love, and not that I would mind another year of self enlightenment, but I would love to see myself actually putting these ideas to work, and proving that this year.. as lonely, and crazy, and wonderful as it was, made me someone even I want to be with.

Cheers!

gym rant.

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

To the guys at the gym who do push-up after push-up.. after pull-up after pull-up.. after bench press after bench press.. after arm curl after arm curl..

No. No, please do not give me that hey look, please do not come over and talk to me. Why? Well honestly, I am kind of bitchy at the gym, and more so, because you can barely hold yourself up with your tiny, scrawny, little legs that have less muscle-mass than my own. The only conversation I want to have with you is in regards to an explanation of this obsession of being top-heavy! I have never understood it, and it makes men look in-proportionate.

I feel like I look pretty good in a mini, which means by the look of your legs, you might possibly look good in one too. That’s saying a lot.. for a man. And maybe, just maybe that’s why you are at the gym at 11pm on a Tuesday night, trying to talk to girls.

So, please, I ask of you, as nicely as possible.. Please go for a 3mi run on the beach, do some squats, some lunges, whatever.. for like 3 days/wk.. for about 6mo. And maybe the next girl you hey to will will like all of what they see.

i can’t make you love me if you don’t.

~ NewBeginnings ~ 2 Comments

“Some people are settling down, some people are settling, and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies.” -Sex & the City

I refuse to settle.

And to clarify, I don’t see settling as in getting married or having children, or buying a house even.. any of that. Because, believe it or not, I want some of those things.. I want to love and be loved, but I know enough to wait for what is right for me. I refuse to do anything because of my age, or what society thinks I should be doing. Settling down for me is doing something for the mere reason that people, or society, expect it of you, not because you actually want to do it.

I especially believe this in terms of love. I have read in several places that people are in relationships for many reasons but not necessarily because of love. How sad is that!? I mean, if you think about it, we aren’t even friends with people because we genuinely like them or have anything in common.. many times it is a feeling of sheer obligation. I’ve also read a breakdown of the differences between love and obsession, lust, and control even. And honestly, this is why the divorce rate is 50%.

Don’t hate people, its a statistic. Fact. (in case you feel the need to read up on it, here’s a link for you) statistics

And also, in the 50% who stay married, only a fraction of those are together because of love. Now that is really sad.

As much as I LOVE living in a fantasy of romance and undying love, rom coms, and fairytales, (which, as many of you know, my likeness for these things is absolutely rediculous) I still understand, and learn everyday that love is more than convenience, expectation, practicality, being comfortable, and the idea of “I don’t think I can find anything better.” When I hear this, I want to kick a puppy. Is that what you really think? Or are you just being impatient? Lazy? Are you just plain scared of being vulnerable? These are the chances I am willing to take. Love is not “Well we’ve been dating 2 years, it’s time to get married.” Is it?! We’re talking forever here people.. do you realize this? Oh right, you can just get divorced.. because that’s a whole lot of fun I tell you.

Maybe it’s because I am part of that previously stated statistic and I refuse to add to it again. Maybe because of my previous ‘failure’ I finally understand what marriage actually means. Forever. I am slowing beginning to see, after physically seeing with my own eyes, so many people after me who got married, or divorced, or both even.. that marriage is no longer being taken seriously. It just becomes another ‘step’. Especially for those who are in long relationships.. hate me all you want for saying this, but maybe you aren’t supposed to get married.. maybe your long relationship is just that – a relationship you’ve had for a long time. I have been there, I know others who have been there too.. leaving relationships after 4, 8 years even. Marriage was not meant to be a ‘step’ it was, and is, meant for love.. not taxes, not babies, love. With love, comes the rest.. Maybe I’m trying too hard to explain this. But, maybe.. out of sheer hope, people will read and view life a little differently and actually take the time to fall in love vs just taking what they can get.

And yes, I’ve heard you critics, life now is not what life was back then.. blah blah.. The Bible is dated.. Society has changed.. That’s great, well if society has changed so much, then why are women, on average, still getting paid less then men? Why is there still discrimination? Why do families automatically expect children the minute people get married? Are you now going to argue on the basis of tradition? Exactly.. this is an on-going argumentative cycle. People may have changed, but feelings have not.

Love is a feeling, it is understanding. It’s compromise. Not in compromising yourself, but in finding compromise together. It’s being true to yourself and seeing truth in each other. It’s living as individuals, and bringing home your separate ideas to collaborate, or at least agree to disagree. It’s ever-changing.. because our lives are ever-changing. It’s loving all of someone including their imperfections.. not despite them. It’s allowing each other to be vulnerable because we all need to expose ourselves sometimes so we don’t feel shame. It’s about accepting that vulnerability because we all are victim to it.. It’s about not expecting strength and perfection at all times.

Love is about finding that person or people even, including friends, who see you for everything your worth, down to the bones. Vulnerable. Shameful. To be able to stand by you when you are not strong. Through imperfections. Love is not about knowing what buttons to push, but knowing why there are buttons at all. Love is truly unconditional.

And don’t get me wrong, of all the people I know who are married, with children, etc.. I know a few who are truly in love, who are together because of each other, not out of circumstance.. But I can count those couples on one hand.

Call me crazy, but no, I won’t settle, I refuse to allow myself to just be ‘comfortable’. I refuse to allow time, and society, and even friends and family, to create my boundaries. I refuse to be part of anything other than that 2% or so of the population who are together because of love.

Will I have to wait till I’m 80? Maybe. Will I be lonely? At times.. Will it be worth it? Yes.