Category: Uncategorized

stop listening

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

You know that saying:

ears

Yah, yah – we need to listen more than we talk.. and this is interesting really.. because it is a valid point to this post. I was going to dive into the idea that we need to STOP listening to others so much, and more of ourselves.. but this is a great point to note that people also need to STOP talking so much too.

mouthclosed

I guess with one truly comes the other.

I learned recently during what I like to call another “episode” of the Darkest of Times, and what a friend calls a “spring-crisis”, (or whatever season this seems to happen on) that for as much as I preach to myself to.. well.. listen to myself, I tend to take what others say more into consideration. And I’m not saying a second opinion isn’t worth it, but why are we always looking for that second opinion at all? Or worse, why are people giving us second opinions when we don’t want them? I know that when people care, they challenge us, to make us think outside ourselves or from a different perspective. And of course, I’m not saying that challenging an idea isn’t helpful either, but the people in our lives are supposed to support us. << Was that enough emphasis there? Lol.

And I understand that in supporting each other, we also need to challenge each other, however, many times we don’t realize, that sometimes people just need support. And to be listened to.

That’s it.

Sometimes an opinion is not what anyone is looking for. Many times, we already know the answer. Whether or not we want to act on those answers is another story.. but the point is, we know ourselves better than most. There may be a handful of people that border on “osmosis-through-the-brain” and may see things that we may have overlooked, but in the end, if we all sit in a dark room alone, we know or feel our truth.

I’m a feeler as we know (however creepy that may sound, lol) so the one thing I realized the past two weeks is that people kept providing me with logical answers. Answers from the brain, if you will. I’m not against my brain, but in my experience, when I have lived through my emotions vs my brain, I always end up happier.

My life-answers are always from the heart. My brain is only useful during actual logical situations.. like driving, following the rules of the road, work, professionalism, math, science. You get my drift. But at any time that matters of life are involved, for me, there is no truer way to live other than from your heart. Your instincts never let you down, even if you fall on your face. I’ve asked guys out, I’ve moved across the country, I’ve quit jobs, gone on last-minute road trips or flights to nowhere. So many of these emotion-driven decisions that resulted in some anxiety and stress, lol BUT ALSO c r a z y,  wonderful times ❤

And the crazy-wonderful is what I live for. I clearly have always figured it out. I can still feed myself, pay my rent, and clothe myself. But somewhere in the last two weeks, I thought it was better to use my brain than my heart. Sadly, and I guess, OBVI – it did not make me happy. I’m a giver, I’m a helper, I’m the worlds biggest supporter. I NEED to be there for people, even if they aren’t there for me. Does that make me crazy? I say no. It just makes the other people look bad. boom.

Long story, short. Stop listening.

Stop listening to the outside noises. Stop listening to your friends, your family, your co-workers. Yes, they are trying to help, and yes you can consider those ideas, but in the end, you are going to do whatever it is you will do anyway. So long as you accept those consequences – which I love, because that means I own my life – then live your best life for you.. and your heart.. and leave your brain on the kitchen table every now and then.

listentoyourheart

❤

 

priorities.

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Aside from my overly-optimistic mindset going into this new year, hilariously enough, this could be considered to NOT be one of my best years as of yet.

From a large addition to my workload in January, sickness when it was most inconvenient right after my vacation in February, then losing my grandmother at the end of Feb/early March, and down to the seriously painful fire of shin-splints, while trying to train for my first 10k. Which is in 5 weeks, mind you, and these shins are only allowing me to run 3days/week if I’m lucky. It’s like I can’t catch a break. Yet – when anyone asks.. I keep saying that considering my “small bumps” in the road, things are wonderful.

And really, I know several people who would hide in a hole if all these things happened at the same time – but I’m still – eh life is good. Lol.

Recently I think I have come full-circle on something though. And my “benefit-of-the-doubt” attitude struggles with this, but then again, I can only control myself when it comes to being “busy” or not “having time.”

I say this because someone who I think is wonderful keeps putting off plans. And as much as I know the time constraints of this particular person, I keep thinking of a time, far, far, away.. like last year, lol – when this happened with someone else.. and it fell into the idea below:

priority

I was not a priority.. and maybe this is happening again. BUT.. this full-circle..

I read, and re-read this, 1) because I love it, and 2) because this was happening to ME! And I wasn’t even noticing it! For me however, it was that I was focusing my attention to things I didn’t consider priorities. That last line pulls at my heart strings:

“Changing our language reminds us that time is a choice. If we don’t like how we’re spending an hour, we can choose differently.”

THIS. 

I was not doing things, because I “didn’t have time.” But in reality, I was not prioritizing properly. I let insignificant things get in the way.

Time. Is. A. Choice.

And this Easter weekend, whether it be the Lord’s rising or the Universe’s full moon, something came over me and I remembered what my priorities were. At least some of them. Like ice cream. For reals tho.

Anyway, as I was thoroughly enjoying myself, and making myself a priority this weekend, it brought me back to other people. Is this a situation of forgetting that time is a choice? Possibly. Or am I just not the priority after all? Maybe. I know last year that was the case. But if I have learned one thing in finance it’s that, “Past performance is no guarantee of future results.” And because I know all situations are relative, that comment is fairly accurate (generally speaking) in that your past does not control your future. Or it shouldn’t at least, because we can always make a new decision, change, beginning. Especially if the past involves a complete and separate entity than what is currently in the present/future.

So with all the static that has happened already in the first 3 months of 2018, the only thing that has made this year mediocre at best, was me forgetting my priorities. Otherwise, it’s still been amazing. Because with recent events, it forced me to take a step to the side, (we never go back people!) and stop for a second to remember who I am and what makes my heart happy. I started focusing on what I “used” to love. Or more like, what I have always loved.. but I just started making time for them again.

It all comes down to the idea that – to be your own priority is to never be someone else’s option.

Time. Is. A. Choice.

Choose wisely my friends.

Cheers!

i’m not easy

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Today I experienced first hand the idea that :

“It is easy to hate and difficult to love.” -Confucious

Love takes energy, time, patience, and work. With that:

“It’s a lot easier to be mad, then admit you are hurt.” – Anon.

Because again, to admit fault or hurt, takes energy.. work. We are all defensive in a way in order to protect our emotions, our pride. But what we forget is the capacity, even in all  the frustration, to maintain happiness.

There needs to be a constant reminder, that in the end, it is only ourselves who can make us happy. I’m going to assume most people have seen this video:

 

“..not coming to each other begging with our empty cups out, demanding that [you] fill my cup, and demanding that [you] meet my needs – it’s unfair and it’s kind of unrealistic and can be destructive to place the responsibility of your happiness on anybody other than yourself.”

I fell upon this video by accident, but the last few seconds really hit home, especially recently. I am one of, I’m sure many, who have been victim to allowing others to determine my happiness. I would get upset when others would “steal my happiness” because I never understood why anyone would take away, or try to, remove happiness from anyone. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure right? So let it be. But now I see a little clearer that those people who try and “take away” any kind of energy are just lacking in themselves. And this is not to say these people are terrible people, but it’s just a terrible cycle of emotion, holding pride, and building walls out of fear of feeling anything.

“If you are willing to look at another person’s behavior toward you as a reflection of the state of their relationship with themselves, rather than a statement about your value as a person, then you will, over a period of time, cease to react at all.” -Yogi Bhajan

YES.

Again, just another fantastic point that how people treat you, is almost never a reflection of you as a person, but in how they see themselves. This is a little sad to me, because I would always hope that we all have a level of wonderment towards ourselves. However, as many know, deep down most of us have.. issues, if you will. From self-esteem to self-awareness.

It’s in moments like these why I always end up hurting because, I am not easy. I love, Love. I like to work hard and show emotion. I choose patience over anger. I choose happiness.

❤

 

available

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

(quote disclaimer – there are a few in this post. lol)

Why am I always available?

And by available, it’s more of a “making time” situation. The small amount of people I actually like, when any of them need me, I am always “available”.

calendarfriend

This ^^ I am the friend who never consults a calendar. Because people are more important than calendars. Time is only meaningful when you spend it properly. But why is it, that it’s only me who lives this way? I have wonderful, wonderful friends. People that, I don’t know how I could live without. People who have added value, meaning, or even just good company. Yet these same people never seem to be available when I need them. I either get no responses, or the usual “I’m busy.” But turn this around, and I am changing plans, picking up my phone, and getting the next possible second to give to these people. And I’m sure there’s a few of you who question: Who are these terrible friends? Or want to comment plainly: Find new friends.

Trust me, I have questioned and commented a few times to myself. And the hilarious part about this is, these same people wonder why I eventually lose it and sort of explode emotionally. And THEN it’s all: “What happened? Why are you so emotional? I’m sorry, I don’t understand.” I don’t want sorry – what I needed, was someone a week ago to talk things out with, you know, sort of what I do in return?! So that moments like this, don’t happen.

And to be honest, I have been told my friend “expectations” are a little high. The thing is, I don’t expect anything. It’s more an assumption (which I guess is just as bad) that the Golden Rule exists with people who matter most to you: Treat others as you want to be treated.

If I treated some people the way they treat me, i.e. as the rule states, how they “want” to be treated, I’d have no friends.

2744215-Jewel-Quote-Excuse-me-guess-I-ve-mistaken-you-for-somebody-else

Is that it maybe? I treat people assuming they are like me and can give me the same in return. But that’s why I am me, and you are you. So maybe that’s an expectation? I’m breaking my own rules. I do have to be better with understanding that people are not like me, and that’s what makes me wonderful. But at the same time, it’s a struggle emotionally to feel as loved as I make others feel.

weseethemasweare

And there it is, closure to this post. In the end, we see things the way we are. We see people how we want to see them. And we need to remember that reality is better than expectation.. or assumption even. And when we accept things as they are, it leads to better relationships and understanding all around.

I know I shouldn’t see people as I am, and this is why I’m still friends with people who don’t give me all that I need. At the same time, it leads me on a mission to find someone who can give me what I give in return. Is my emotional dopplegänger out there?! I don’t want to believe that I am the only giver-without-expectation person in the world. There must be more.. or we really do have a lot to worry about in the future.

❤

it’s MY anniversaryyy – as sang by Tony Toni Tone.. hehe

~ NewBeginnings ~ 1 Comment

Anniversary of my awesome birth, that is! 🙂

I have been sad because I have not had much “time” to blog as I would like. Work has been insane and I’m trying my darnedest to focus on a 10k I’m running in May. But I can never go a year without expressing my love, gratitude and some terrible opinions when my Birthday rolls around! Lol

Topic for this years Birthday post is: “Nevertheless, She Persisted” which I’m borrowing from the theme of the 10k I’m running! (It’s a womens run)

I have been overly grateful lately, due to many events that have happened which force me to realize where I have been and where I am now. Iv’e had many a person make statements relating to how they view my life:

I’m spoiled.

All I do is brunch and drink

I’m a snob because I live walking distance to a beautiful ocean

I have a perfect life

Ok, let me explain, I am spoiled. Lol – not out of chance, however, which I feel people forget.. But I spoil MYSELF from working my ass off on a weekly basis, into the evening even – just to have the things I have. I have debt people, and I still have bills to pay. It’s called budgeting.

I only brunch on the weekends, relax. 😉 And red wine is good for – life. Anyway – who the eff cares?! You wanna brunch?! Go effing brunch! I don’t quite understand how/why brunching and wine drinking are effecting the masses not actively involved in my life. And yes, I’m a relative food snob. I have learned what good food tastes like, and how it effects mood and your body as a whole. So yes, I prefer to eat, drink, and enjoy as best as I can afford.

Call me a snob all you want, but It’s not like I was just granted this life, like *poof!* here ya go Kara! ALL YOURS! Love, God. Nope, doesn’t work like that. As many know, I moved to SoCal with 3k, no job, no home, blah, blah, nothing. So to all of a sudden be a snob because I got a job that allows me to rent a studio – yes, I live in a studio by the water – means nothing. I know how to do math, and I wanted to live by the water.. so I get a studio, do laundry at a laundromat, and live the best bad-ass life with what I have. Did the universe or the Lord have something to do with my blessings? Maybe, but there is nothing in this world that is ever handed to us without effort.

And no. There is no perfect life.. we all know this. So why would you say this to anyone!? There are millions of things we don’t know about anyone’s life. Mine in particular, from abuse (in multiple forms), to anxiety, eating disorders, and depression. I was a broken and desperate person until I was about 26. I was lucky to have enough hope and love in myself to not turn into a drug-addicted stripper in Vegas.. Because that thought did cross my mind at one point.

So going into this new year.. at my very young age.. LOL, I am proud to look back and see that I never once allowed myself to be called a “victim” of anything. Whether it be my abuse, or of circumstance. I have never believed in “blaming” life on anything, or anyone. Or making excuses for who I am. I’ve made mistakes, more than I would like to admit, but every day is a New Beginning. The only person to be better than is yourself. Many people hate when I say that.. mainly because excuses and blame are an easy fix. “I have anxiety”, “I was abused”, “I have issues”. I know many wonderful people who have issues (lol, I mean who doesn’t!?) – who have anxiety, depression.. and they still wake up every morning with a mission to create – whether it be art, music, or their life ❤

This life is our choice. We choose our happiness, and if we are lucky enough for some great moments to fall in our laps, even better. But still.. if someone puts a cute puppy on your lap, it’s still a choice of whether you’re going to pet it or not. Hence, just like the outside assumptions of my life, nothing is just given. We still need to do something with what’s provided to us.

I-am-not-what-happened-to-me-I-am-what-I-choose-to-become.

So for my Birthday, I wish you all health, wealth, happiness, and more importantly, love. As much as I hate Valentine’s Day – I love LOVE! Because love in it’s pure form is a verb. An action word. You must love to be loved. And in my life, I kept choosing love. To love myself, to love my life. It was all I had sometimes to allow myself to wake up another day ❤

Cheers!

life still happens..

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

even if you don’t post it on social media.

I’ve never liked that saying, “If you didn’t post it, did it really happen?”

I mean, we all know the answer to that.. right? Or at least I hope my readers know the answer to that? lol – but seriously – Trees are still making noises in empty forests..

Which brings me to my all time favorite quote, possibly ever:

IMG_5513

I found an image of this last year and googled to find the origin to make sure I had it right, and boy was I in awe of reading these words, over and over, and over, and over..

It was my mantra last year.. and it will continue to be, every year going forward until I find something more amazing (if that’s even possible).

I shared this a few weeks back in a smaller scale, mentioning that I hope those reading know that this does not mean hide under a rock (although I’m not completely against that sometimes). But more so, keeping your life and your moments to yourself.

Be true to yourself. Do you boo.

I use this as a way to live my life on my terms. There is SO MUCH  N O I S E  out there. Never mind from society, but from family, friends, and even those old high school FB “friends” who look at your life and make assumptions. I know plenty of people judge my life. For me, I just worry that some aren’t as happy as social media makes them out to be due to the expectations of over-sharing. Whats that other wonderful quote?

“Expectation is the root of all heartache” -William Shakespeare

And that’s why this idea of keeping certain things, like in this example: travel, love, and happiness to yourself is important. Because these things: Travel, Love, Happiness – they involve emotion, experiences, and memories. They are not supposed to be measured or compared, or shown to outshine others. Emotions are our own, no one really, truly understands how another feels because emotions are personal.

I hope for everyone in 2018 we learn to actually experience something wonderful – without expectation, and the need for approval or recognition by others. Because those who matter will probably be with you, or they’ll know your travels because they’re that person who needs to know in case you are stolen, amiright?! Or is that just a personal fear? lol.

Get out there friends! And make beautiful things ❤

December 30th 2017

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

At the time of this typing.. we only have about 28hr left until a “new year”. A time to celebrate, look forward, and create a sense of hope for “better” days.

But have we ever thought about.. what if there is nothing “better”? Like, I get 2017 sort of sucked overall, but if you look hard enough, you’ll see, love actually is all around.. hehe ❤

It’s true, I know, there have definitely been years better than others. Those years are 2015/16 for me. But in the end, there is always enough good to make any “bad” year feel average at the least. 2016 is a great example, it was a “terrible” year for me, but I realized midway through 2017, that 2016 prepared me for all the awesomeness I experienced this year. The pain made me stronger, and the wonderful moments were bigger than they seemed. We always seem to hang on to the negative vs positive. Like all those surveys – we will tell 10 people about a terrible experience but only 3 about a great experience.

Why we do this, is a whole other conversation, but let’s stay with the “new year” idea. We are always looking forward to something new. And I mean, don’t get me wrong, my blog title is all about New Beginnings! lol – But I also try and live with a feeling or ideal that every day has the opportunity for a new beginning. I write about this often.. hence, the blog title. Point is.. let us use this time of “New” to look back and remember all the GOOD and bad. Let us learn and let us be better.

If the point of anything “new” is to “start over” or “make a change”, then let’s do that. If you can’t find it in your mindset to view every day as something new, and for some reason want to put the whole year on your shoulders all at once.. (lol sorry had to) at least use the year to create betterment all around. Truly use the “new” year as your brand new start. Make someone’s day. Make your own day. For as many days as you can.

Because next December 30th we’ll be back to the countdown and prepping for New Years Eve again.. and will it be a list of repeating boo-hoos?

So here’s to tomorrow, and January 1st, and 2nd, and 3rd… and February, and March, and so on..

Here’s to every day in 2018. To make everyday better and start anew every morning.

Here’s to really looking at the year as “New” and beginning again, and working to make even the smallest things better.

 

I wish for you all to stay wide-eyed and bushy-tailed, to find hope in the sunrises, and find peace with the sunsets. To keep believing in fairytales, and to remember that love will always win ❤

Thank you to my readers near and far, new and old. As difficult as the last few weeks have been, 2018 has a lot coming my way, and I hope my brain can stay focused enough so I can share it all with you.

 

Cheers!

 

 

woah.

~ NewBeginnings ~ 1 Comment

Oh geez – looks like I used this blog properly the last two posts.

lol

Wait, was that ^^ a laugh?!

Thankfully laughing is a happy thing today/night. I blame it on Mercury being in Retrograde – for all these crazy emotions I mean. I’ve accepted the fate that my exam is pushed out until after New Years. Is this good? For some.. but for me, I really wanted to enjoy the Holidays. Oh well..

One thing I’m always learning is that with all the dips we fall into, we aren’t stuck in the hole if we dig out of it.. I’m digging alright. And that is the greatest thing about life and this blog – Every day is a New Beginning.

Tomorrow always has the chance to be better no matter how terrible anything seems. And I know I am naturally an optimist, but I also know when I talk to natural pessimists, that I can at least provide a positive twist on their outlook. And if you have ever fallen into a negative black hole, naturally positive or not, hearing anything that can inflict hope at least gets you to tomorrow.

Today is my yesterday’s tomorrow. And today has been wonderful. And honestly, although difficult sometimes, I do know and realize often, how absolutely blessed I am. From the past 5 years, to the past 6 months – I have grown and accomplished so much and it reminds me that the scary moments are only temporary.. and more so, that there’s always something new to happen when they pass.

So with Hanukkah, Christmas, and the New Year upon us – lets use this time to be mindful, appreciative, and grateful. Find promise in tomorrow and use yesterday as motivation to be better.

This time of year brings wild emotions no matter what kind of person you are. And I have always believed that this is not a time of ending-to-new beginning, but continuous beginnings which is why our emotions are so crazy. From family pissing you off or being single for the holidays – both give a spark of hope and remind you that you are more than what your family says and there are possibilities of finding someone new. But especially if your holidays are filled with joy and wonderment – it reminds you of how wonderful tomorrow can be.

I don’t know where this post came from, where it’s going, or where it went, lol, but I am hopeful and I am excited to finally take this exam – whenever I take it. I am excited to make it into January which is officially Birthday Season, and I am so hopeful in tomorrow that it will bring more New Beginnings.

Here’s to tomorrow!

❤

anxiety in 143 words.

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Haha.

I laugh.. I always laugh. It’s happening again. I know I wrote about this before, but it was noticeable tonight. Laughing at nothing. Where does it come from? How did I get here?! I was having such a normal, productive day. Was it when I was home, debating on showering, napping, or cleaning? I did feel off then. Maybe it started there. Maybe I’m overwhelmed. This happens when I’m overwhelmed. What is it?! Why am I yelling at myself in my own brain?! Omg. I’m just staring at walls.. music blaring in my ears.. make it stop. Stop talking. Stop, stop, stop… I swear people can notice. Can they? Do they sense this awkwardly intense energy?

Gahhhhh – I’m lying, it’s more like AAAAHHHHHHHHRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!

Why wont it stop, why does this happen? Music blaring in my ears.. make it stop. Stop talking. Stop…

idk

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Interestingly enough I just read a couple posts about “wheels spinning” in your head and being overwhelmed with life. Being “busy” vs “productive”.

And here I am – studying away.. Just finished chapter 13, of a 14 chapter program. I have been floating along getting average, to above average exam scores.. but then chapters 12 and 13 come along.. my first “failures”. And what happens? I lose my shit – internally. I go from borderline-calm (lol am I ever really calm?) to increased heart-rate, sweaty palms, and my brain, as I like to say, explodes. I start getting nervous about everything. I keep staring at everyone, everything, everywhere. I catch myself.

I try and take deep breaths. I close my eyes. Relax Kara!

But that never works does it.

So I try and calmly decide to take a step back.. Where am I? I am a week ahead of the program. A week ahead people! This I should celebrate.. but it almost makes me more anxious. Did I study too fast? Is this why I’m starting to lose it in the final chapters?! Do I even remember chapter 1?!?!?! << I know, I know, those thoughts are “busy” not “productive”..

Gah!

What’s more crazy is I am doing my best trying to not get “mad” at myself for being anxious. Oxymoronic I know. Getting mad at yourself for getting anxious in the first place? Anxiety at its finest!

So here I am, I logged off. I fired up the iTunes. I started to read. Part of handling anxiety is slowing down right? Taking yourself out of what is creating it in the first place and listening to yourself. Sometimes you just have to stop. Stop everything and find a nothing-ness that almost feels comfortable.

Tomorrow I will finish this program then conquer those shit chapters. Tomorrow.

For now, I sit, with my lemon-ginger tea, music in my ears to drown my thoughts, and words on pages to drown the other thoughts. Lol.

 

❤