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~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I felt compelled to write tonight.

Maybe because it’s been a while? Also maybe because ideas and emotions always flow through my brain when I’m depressed or anxious because that’s what causes the issue in the first place, amiright?! Just casually sitting here, creating unrealistic life scenarios all day and thinking the world is out to get me. #nobigs

Therapy has been tough recently. Not “tough” as in difficult per say, but tough emotionally. Don’t get me wrong, I know that’s the point. To shake up unresolved emotions and get them out. It’s a process, a daily challenge. And like 80% of this worlds population, I have issues.

  1. Control issues (where this comes from is a novel, so let’s not go there today)
  2. When I begin to “feel” not in control of life, I panic and ultimately become a very difficult person. I snap, I’m rude, I’m a super bitch, and then I ignore the world for a minute to “make a point” (<< seriously I’m a crazy person) and then when my point isn’t understood I get angry again and sort of create situations of self-sabotage in order to try and “control” something or someone.. see #1

One thing I do rather well is fight with people in order to inflict emotion. I tell myself I’m just challenging their thought process, but no, I know I’m just fighting. Because for some ungodly reason, fighting still equates emotion for me. I lived many a life where fighting = caring. Now, I KNOW this is not true. Fighting does not equal caring. But it’s still in there somewhere, and needs to release. I actually didn’t realize how bad this was until recently.

Because I realized.. the person I keep “trying” (I’m not quite succeeding more than just making myself mad and becoming disappointed in myself) to fight with, isn’t “fighting” back. And when the words (verbatim btw): “I’m just waiting for you to tell me to shut the fuck up!” came out of my mouth, it hit me, very, very, very.. VERY hard.

Why. Why must someone need to fight back? Why am I even doing this? Why do I think this will change anything? I mean, through all my therapy and self-realization I do know the answers here.. but I think my “why” is more like.. Why is that emotion still inside me?

I thought I got rid of it. I thought I had come to a point of clarity, using a LOT of practice I might add, in letting things go. Letting the hurt and painful emotions go. I keep ignoring those calls from the past.. why do they keep calling?!

The worst is that I am hardest on myself. Because just as I talked about this yesterday with a wonderful person.. the only thing I can control is myself.. what I do, and more specifically what I put or don’t put in my body. So let’s play What Year is it?! And let’s go back to 1999 and stop eating! Because I can control that. Now I understand I need to consume nutrients in order to function, so I do take care of that in a sense, so I don’t pass out. And please no one yell at me, because I also KNOW this is not healthy by any means, and I will eventually find myself in trouble. If you come at me trying to feed me, I’ll punch you in the throat. (Do we need to revisit my “fighting” issues? lol) I am just sharing a story that I’m sure many can relate to in some form or fashion. And really for me, and again, I KNOW this isn’t a great remedy, but if I “punish” myself, I can hurt no one else.

For those who know me, know I am a kind, giving, loving, positive even! person by nature. So many people are shocked when they find out I go to therapy because they have no clue the trauma I had to deal with to just get to this point.

So anyway, to not spiral too deep, I will say this: Thank you to those who are patient with me. Thank you to those who understand (or at least try to) my pain and can help talk me through things. Thank you to those for just reading this and seeing me as a person who is just trying to live their best life and not just post all that is wonderful. Although, I could totally post about Kate & Pete foreverrrrrr ❤ lol

the-people-who-are-meant-to-be-in-your-life-31911749

Thank you, and thank you to those who are going through this too because you are not alone, you are strong, and you help me too when I read your stories..

 

Everyday is a new day.

Cheers, xoxo

 

 

 

it’s not me.. it’s you.

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Here’s a little story that I dedicate to all the “Debbie Downers” out there.

Those who know even a little bit about me, know that I can be a hardcore, CAPITAL – B, bold, italic, underlined, BITCH. I cut people out of my life, I fight for what I believe is to be true << true is the key word here. But sometimes I just like to fight. I’ve made terrible decisions in my day, and have paid my dues many times over thanks to Karma. As people, we are not perfect. I have learned to accept this in others, yet it still baffles me why the majority are still hung up on this thing called perfection. You know “perfection” is a relative term right?

Anywhoo other things that people know about me is that I have anxiety and depression. It hinders many a day, and from April thru June, there were days I never even left my bed, aside from the one forceful pull out to get food because I didn’t really feel like causing my own sad death. One.meal.a.day, people.

One last fun thing to mention is that even if you’ve just had one awkward conversation with me, you’ll also know that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am loyal to a fault. And the best thing I do, is that I provide too much information too soon. I have factual evidence regarding this dating back to, at least, 2000/2001, lol. (one day I’ll write a story about that Filene’s break room conversation, thank you always, Patrick 😉 ) I just love learning about people and showing that I care. I love creating deep conversations, for the sake of learning, and to understand people better. More than anything, I never want others to feel that I am not being truthful so I try and give of myself as best I can.

Point is – with my good, there is my bad – or maybe it can be seen as, with my bad, there is my good. The funny thing about these “faults” of mine is that even through my darkest of days, my bitchiest of attitudes, I somehow have a feeling of realistic positivity. Some might say it’s a choice, I choose realistic positivity. So here’s the hilarious thing – more people can’t stand me when I’m positive (especially during “imperfect” times) vs when I’m negative. Misery really does love company. More so, I then get these people who think I have this perfect little life, see this post. Even more hilarious is when I do post some darker things, like anxiety, depression, emotional distress, and coping with loss, people then think I’m just looking for attention. I can’t win. Hence, it’s not Me, it’s YOU.

I almost always have a sense of realistic-positivity (almost, because again, I’m not perfect). But because I’m not an idiot, or I’d like to think I’m not at least, lol, I get that all positivity can’t come to fruition (realism 🙂 ), however, you can always choose to focus on the pieces that can.

Example: I am sick – I have been sick 3 times this year, and this recent one is going on about 6 weeks. I get sick because I have high stress. My stress turns into anxiety, and sometimes if I fall, it then becomes depression. I am on a bunch of meds at the moment, including an inhaler to try and get me better this time around. I was pretty down on myself Friday, and felt it even more yesterday. All I wanted to do was go to the beach and stare at the ocean before the world woke up. Little did I remember, there was a 10k race happening, roads were closed and parking was all taken. This made me even more sad. It wasn’t even 8am. 😦 I decided to just go to breakfast since I was out, that way I could also take my 7, yes SEVEN pills that I needed to take that morning.

I got home by about 9:30am. Honestly, I was frustrated. On a “bad day” I literally would have just gone back to bed and pout. But I told myself, “I can go tomorrow, I’ll get up even earlier and beat them all to the sand” (realistic-positivity). Since I was home, I decided to read a Class Action Settlement letter that I got in the mail while I was away on vacation. It was for a faulty part on my car and I realized I am part of it, and can submit a claim. I pull out all my invoices and realize that my shop did the SAME.EXACT.SERVICE in February AND recently in July. I was like: wha? I paid an extra 1k on this?! Was there a problem with the first one!? This made me upset – the day was already sad, was it getting worse? I called my shop half angry, yet half patient, to see what they would say. I was finally connected to one of the guys who I always deal with, and he found my two invoices. He apologized profusely and is refunding me the double charge. Because either way, if there was an issue, they never should have charged me twice. And I am still eligible for this claim, so in the end, I could get all my thousands back for the original replacement!

Kid you not, I hung up the phone, and started to laugh. I looked up at the cosmos and literally almost started to cry. My exact words to my sister-in-law were: “Seriously, this is such a weird emotional moment of depression and hope lol.”

But also seriously – This is what gratefulness and a little bit of positivity can get you. With every bad, dark day, we have a good day. With every terrible experience, we have an amazing one. It’s life’s balance. Because again, none of us are perfect. We make mistakes, we are mean sometimes, but we can also choose to be kind. We can choose to love, and we can choose to keep the light inside us through all our storms. Our imperfect moments may come around, but our “perfect” moments are close behind. I truly believe my small bout of hope and positivity helped with this karmic circle.

So call me crazy, call me obnoxious, call me whatever you please, but I would rather believe there is something better, a new beginning, if you will 😉 to look forward to – than to accept pain and suffering, or something as simple as assuming a whole day is ruined. All negativity does is keep us from enjoying fully the best moments we encounter because we are always waiting for the backhand.

But all you have to do is turn your head forward, and you’ll miss getting slapped. 😉

roses

Stay positive, my friends. It’s not easy, I understand, but it has a WAY better outcome than negativity. I have seen with my own eyes that what you give will always be what you receive. And with all the crap Iv’e dealt with the past few months, I’m just happy that my good energies seem to be making their way back to me.

 

❤

I don’t know what to call this

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

The past is a funny thing.

I leave in two weeks on a jet plane.. and DO know when I’ll be back again.. And every trip I take, especially if it exceeds 3 days, I always clean up my apartment. Every piece of laundry gets done – especially towels and sheets. I dust like I’ve never dusted before, and go through corners of my place I haven’t looked at since the last trip.

And every time.. I swear it never fails.. I always find a certain photo album (or two).. wait, do y’all know what photo albums are?! Lol. These particular ones are stored on the shelf of one of my tables. And I have to move them to dust all the corners. I don’t clean this thorough every time as I mentioned, but I’ll be away for a bit this time. So anyway, if I’m getting this OCD, I of course open them.

The years range from college until about 2006 or 2007 I think? Which were my years of bad decisions.. and hilarity, if I’m gonna be honest lol. Looking through, there were SO MANY emotional moments, good memories, and several uncomfortable pulls to the heart strings.

I remember other times looking through these and thinking, “If I could have one day back there..”

But now, whether it be letting a lot of that go, (which I have been working on as we know) or just being extremely happy and grateful where I am now, I didn’t have that thought pop in my head.

It was weird really. Because there are still so many good feelings from those days and I sort of felt bad thinking, “Why would I NOT want to spend just one more day there?” But of course, I know why. If there is just one thing I’ve learned these past, what did I say in my last post? 60 days? Lol, is that the past is exactly what it is – past tense. Behind us. Not happening now.

And as much as my heart warmed to see a few old faces, and even searching (and finding!) someone on Facebook, (although I don’t think it’s someone I can be “friends” with) with happiness to see them doing well – from a social media standpoint, that is – I just sat there, looked around me, remembered what I was doing, and thought about the current people in my life. More so, realizing that 2 of my people are people from those times, and know WAY TOO MUCH about me, Lol.

Point is, I’m here now. So much of our time is spent talking or thinking about yesterday that sometimes we forget what’s happening in front of us. Or even, what possibilities are waiting for us tomorrow. And as I’m learning how important it is to allow your past to be free, today was a great reminder because of how far I’ve come.

Don’t get me wrong, reminiscing is wonderful. Wondering how people are doing is wonderful. So many moments from yesterday are wonderful. But as wonderful (or not) the past may be, we have to remember not to stay there too long because even the “good” can hold you back from the “better” that today and tomorrow have.

And some may argue about people coming back and moments resurfacing, but be mindful, a person from your “past” that you see today, is now a person in your “present”. Make sense? I mean I can’t tell you if that’s a good decision or not, lol, maybe it’s a career contact? But point is, every day is a new beginning. Every day you are farther away from birth. Life changes in seconds, never mind minutes. So to be worried about or trying to relive anything from yesterday just holds you back from where you are now, which is where you are meant to be.

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UPDATE!

I never posted this, so.. I’ll pick up where I left off.

I went on that trip, lol and re-reading this draft was perfect because the trip was perfect. I saw MANY people from my “past” whether planned or unplanned. And I roamed land I haven’t seen in YEARS.

It was honestly one of the best trips I have had in a while. And it’s a perfect ending to this post. Because one of the best parts of this trip was realizing the whole “past” and “present” idea. And how we, as people, never change. Life does. What we do does, who we keep close with does, careers change, but our innate personalities and beings do not.

More so, how we interact or connect with people – it does change, but when you have certain people in your life, what’s that I said? “We picked up where we left off.. it’s like we never stopped talking.”

Yes! This is where past and present collide. The people you feel this way about, they are meant to be in the present. Seriously – a few people I saw the past week, it literally was like – what year is it?! Our lives may have changed, but we still had those connections – nothing forced, just the comfort of something that feels like it’s meant to be here today. At one point during my first night in town after an amazing surprise.. I said, “I’m just sitting here trying to figure out how the hell the 4 of us ended up here, lol!” Because we were not sitting there living in yesterday, we were there in the present, talking, reminiscing, making new memories. When it came to memories, the conversation tied more to where we are now, and how far we all have come. It was today we were experiencing, and embracing, and talking about. And then we started to plan for tomorrow.

So I guess to bring this full circle, the past is where it is for a reason. Let it go. Find closure. Keep your heart open and let it pass through. But people – I hate being super cheese but, if people are meant to be, they never stay behind. They never “come back.” Time may pass, but connections never fade. They are always here. In the present.

And this is where we should be focused to stay, present. Everyday is a new beginning.

My dear friends, use that to your advantage.

 

❤

 

karma: kara with an “m”

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I literally just realized my name was a sister to karma. Which I guess is perfect for me based on my views about the universe, God, and energies. What you give, is truly what you receive. Although in some instances the circle closes later than planned, but it all still comes back around eventually.

Just yesterday, I snapped a photo with a long-ass caption (that I’m unfortunately known for doing – sorry! #loveyoumeanit) And it was about how karma is a bitch through good and bad.  Because as much as we want to believe only the good will come around.. we forget our shitty decisions, actions, words, and energies we have spread out there also.

The past 60 days (too specific? lol) have been rather wonderful on a personal level. But just as I’m embracing all the goodness, wonder, and exciting changes, I noticed some aspects have been a little “sad” maybe? I don’t know if “sad” is the right word, but I’ve just realized that in terms of relationships/friendships, The way I have treated some people has come back and just slapped me in the ass, and not in a good way either. <<insert_proper_emoji_here>>

You see, I have a large character flaw, shocking! I know, lol. I’ve never been good dealing with the people I love making bad decisions or doing terrible things. (probably because I have done so many terrible things in my life, I try to keep my people from going through similar episodes. I definitely did NOT enjoy learning the hard way) I have a hard time supporting people when I don’t necessarily agree with their views. I mean, those who have made it through my berating or ignoring, or even being cut out of my life, have a better relationship with me now more than ever, but the thing is, even if it is right to cut someone out, that still creates a negative energy. Cutting = closing. When you close a door, another does not necessarily open. Sometimes it’s just a window. And sometimes, you just closed yourself into a room with no outlet.

On top of energies, what we forget is that all situations are different. No matter how similar a relationship/friendship is or an experience is, they are still a specific and individual moment that does not, and really, cannot be the “same” as any other moment. Because each moment we experience is defined by a number of things: age (and by age I mean where we were – I experienced things at 21 the same time as some 31yr olds and even some 18yr olds, so this is a relative term, but important based on where we were at the time), money, family, was Mercury in Retrograde?! (serious question), the year – was this 9/11?! (serious question).

Point is, there are so many factors in any given moment, that we can’t compare them to another similar moment. I mean, I guess we CAN compare them and talk about the similarities, but if that is the case, we also NEED to talk about the differences. We just have to stop generalizing experiences because no, Steven, is NOT like Sam. Sam was born in January and Steven was born in August. Sam was adopted, and Steven has 3 siblings. Just because both might have been terrible kissers, or whatever, doesn’t mean each moment with them was the same. They both came from different experiences, different ideals, and different lives all together.

So I guess the point in all this is that the karma that comes and goes has nothing to do if you broke up with 10 people via sticky-note – although still a terrible idea. But it does have to do about the energy you brought to that experience. 7 of those break-ups may have deserved that sticky, and that’s their karma. Because as I mentioned previously, sometimes, you do need to let some people go but it is in how you deal with that situation that matters. Should I have just cut some people out of my life? Yes. Is that how I should deal with all issues in my relationships/friendships? Hard NO. Because another thing about karma: sometimes, there are no second chances.

And although I talk a lot about relationships, energies matter in all things, big and small. If you’re just straight up rude to a waiter for no reason, boo you. If you’re a little irritated because they are being rude, that’s ok – but remember, you can control your reaction. Don’t allow yourself to be thrown into the karma circle because of someone else’s negative energy. Just as I hash-tagged on my snap: #stopthecycle. << On that note, if you are experiencing some not-so-fun karma back at you, as I have been recently, remember to keep yourself, or as I like to say, your heart open. Allow this to move through you and more important, don’t fight it. Or you will continue the “negative” cycle.

Learn to understand that when bad karma comes back at you, it’s ok. We are not perfect, and like I said, we are super shitty sometimes. So don’t start assuming life is just breaking down, or everyone and everything is just out to get you. Karma is just life’s way to remind you to stop being shitty, because you can control that. And of course, on the positive end, karma is also life’s way to give back the goodness you gave.

So to all you out there that I may have inflicted some negative energy on, I hope you know karma was watching. And even better, karma is watching you too, hehe. 😉

Here’s to learning, and growing, and staying open to all energies. Let’s remember that ALL situations are separate and individual no matter how similar. And let’s work on focusing more on the good and understanding that the bad is controllable and the cycle can be stopped.

#stopthecycle

❤

let’s be honest.. (another mash-up)

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I started this in 2015.. and I believe I know where this was coming from, and where it may have been going, so I’m just gonna leave this right here to post since it’s been sitting in drafts for 3 years lol. Also, I found it rather interesting I was writing about my thoughts on doing what I’m “supposed” to do, especially to see where I am recently – I’ve been evolving for years! 🙂

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(Nov 2015)

What is it about patience that is so difficult?

I mean I’ve given a lot of my time.. A lot. A lot of effort.. A whole lot.

Iv’e given a lot of energy, and love, and commitment.. Omg, SO MUCH of those.

Is that what it is? That with patience.. you just never know how much longer you’re “supposed” to wait..

But.. If you’re reading this and know anything about me, you know I don’t believe in things you are “supposed” to do.

Which brings me to another point – I feel like thats what I’ve been doing.

UGH. I’m tired.

I’m tired of feeling invaluable.

I think about how I’ve dealt with things in the past. At least from my own view, I’m not proud of those moments.

I feel like I’ve finally come to a point where I have made proper decisions based on what has been handed to me.

I’ve stayed, as others would say, mature.. Lol

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(Aug 2018)

Just based on where I am now, I’m going to make a pretty good assumption that I was tired of living based on what I was “supposed” to do, expectation, and settling. On top of that, I wish I had time to elaborate on the patience question. That will have to wait for another post.

But in a quick note, I know from where I was then, and where I am now, I have learned patience is not easy. It takes practice, hope, and understanding. And patience is not so much the aspect of “waiting” as it is mentally and emotionally preparing for what’s to come. On top of that, patience also reminds us of our journey. Life will always happen when it’s good and ready to happen to us, because our journey is ours, on our own separate timeline.

Remember to focus on your journey, not others’ journeys, or where some people may want you to go. Practice patience, or at least mental and emotional preparation for what is meant for you.

 

❤

one wing out

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I haven’t been this happy in a while ❤

Despite my childhood trauma, or maybe because of it, I’ve always been a late bloomer. I wasn’t a typical High-Schooler, I never partied and I was engaged before I gave away my v-card. I was 21 and divorced when I finally started to do what “normal” people did my age – which then created a downfall of mistakes I fell into until I was 27. That year, I was pretty much reborn after meeting the person who I believe saved my life. I had lost years, and have been trying to catch back up ever since.

Because, for as long as I can remember, I have been placed in a box. This little space of what people assume I am or expect me to be. Assumptions or judgements of the type of person I am based on a number of factors that say little about me. My past, my grades, my occupation, my age, my eating habits, my wardrobe, my music choices, my dating history.. I can go on.. Little did/do people know about the black hole of what is actually me. The few who know me well, know I have never believed in societal expectations. Yet these expectations I allowed myself to follow, forced me into many situations and “lives” that never held my truth. Maybe that’s why I snapped at 21. I did everything I was “supposed” to do. I followed society’s rules. I tucked my past away and I excelled. I was on honor roll, I got married, went to college, and even got searched out by a few schools to play volleyball. What no one saw, however, was how much I hated myself from the ages of 13, to 27. No one saw I was living a complete and utter lie. I was living in accordance to the “rules of the road” with the idea that this would be the way for my past never to repeat itself. Except, that in itself is also a lie.

“All great changes are preceded by chaos.” -Deepak Chopra

One of my favorite quotes, and it has never been more true than as of late. So many wild things have been happening – lots of good, lots of bad.. Weeks, months even.. of thought, anxiety, depression, loss. Being part of big changes, and contemplating exciting changes of my own.

And I came to a conclusion that I’m tired of living how others believe I am, or should be for that matter. I’m tired of being complacent out of fear of my past. Truth is hard to come by these days, and the people I admire the most are not necessarily philanthropic, but they live their truth, and choose to see all aspects of life as opportunity and not obstacles.

I guess for me recently, after experiencing some very large changes, I realized that it’s time for me to live my truth. I am not my age, I am not my job, and if you want to get technical, I’m not even my name – it’s just what I am called.

I am so very tired of living based on the year I was born and what I do for a living. I am not the children I don’t have and the marriage I may never want again. I am not what I wear (although I do dress based on my mood, lol). I am not the house I don’t own or the uncertainty of my career. What I am, however, is honest. I am emotional. I give too much of myself, too soon. I love without boundaries, care too much, and give without expectation. I am a lover of the ocean, sunrises and sunsets.. flowers, and ice cream. If I could rip my brain out of my head I would, because I believe that the heart carries more truth than the mind. I am not what you see, but I am the story my eyes tell. I am not broken, just breaking free, and I finally have one wing out.

Dean_Jackson_butterfly_quote_

Don’t let outside judgements hold you back from yourself. Live your truth, my friends.

❤

can I use expletives?

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Because I would love to.

I had a conversation with a co-worker just the other day, and almost blogged at that very moment. We were talking about the many “changes” I am going through, “updates” if you will. And he asked, “Why do you care so much about what other people think?!” (It was more a stern statement, like, “Kara, WTF”) Because I have kept most a secret.. hence all my phases and reveals lol. This in turn made me think of my most favorite quote:

IMG_5513

I know I’ve posted this before, and talked about it, but it is all too relevant. Because yes, this is why I keep things to myself sometimes – People ruin beautiful things.

And by “ruin beautiful things”, our conversation continued into the terrible-ness of society and how if we walked into the mall at that very moment in our suits, we would be treated WAY differently than our weekend clothes. We are judged. All The Time. This co-worker also owns a home, and when he first moved, he received questions from his neighbors of: “Oh who owns this property? Or blatant “Are you renting?” Low and behold the shocked faces when he states he owns it. Even worse, when they ask what he does for a living and he answers.. their expressions turn into “ooohhhh ok, makes sense.” MAKES SENSE?!

I rent, and I am 8 years older than said co-worker (but look 10 years younger, lol). So my question is, why is it that a 20-something yr old can’t own a home without having to explain how, or why? Why can’t people just understand that there are 20yr olds who started saving at 16 or even 45yr olds who may never be able to afford owning property at all?! You realize there are 7.5 BILLION people in this world. Another twist! I’ll bet you right now, you find millions 30yr old divorcee’s with NO CHILDREN. And more so millions of 18-20yr olds married with kids. So why does the “average” person make assumptions and judgements based on looks/age?

Why must we always have to explain ourselves? And why are there SO MANY discriminatory ideas of age!? I understand there are laws of the land, but these societal judgements have nothing to do with laws.. but more so media. It has been engrained in our minds that life is only “good” a certain way. Even these millennial/gen Z-ers who have coined the phrase “living my best life.” Are you though? Or are you just trying to blend in with the sheep?

People are so concerned with – Status-Quo – that they forget there are souls in each and every one of us. To use myself as an example, I look about about 10+ years younger than my actual age. Judgements against me go two ways:

  1. People are fascinated by the fact I look absurdly younger than my actual age. They see this as endearing, and that I take care of myself. I am also a fountain of knowledge, so until they realize my actual age, I’m just making 20yr olds look good lol. Also, I’ve only ever dated 2 guys older than me.
  2. I’ll be adulting.. like when I was buying a car, I was being treated like the 21yr old I look like. I had to be one of those people who are like.. LISTEN. I’M XX YEARS OLD. DON’T BS ME. Then attitudes change quick. From my job, to my age, attitudes always seem to change, for better or worse.

This is why I keep things to myself, because I’m tired of society judging me. I’m doing some things that, “don’t make sense”. Well hey, wanna know what’s better than Society’s Opinion?! MINE.

Honestly though, I feel bad for people who are actually in their 20s – I work with a lot of them. Because I can at least verify myself as NOT being one of them, to provide the “perception” that I’m not an idiot? Seriously.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!

Not that any of my words will change any of you reading this, but can we just take a step back every once in a while? Can we just see people for WHO THEY ARE?

For what their eyes say?

What their hearts feel?

What dreams they have, and values they hold on to?

Their actions?

I get we are in an electronic age, but lets start opening books again based on the story and words within the pages.. not the cover.

Remember what happens when we assume..?

 

❤

 

 

 

a whole bunch of nonsense

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I feel so inclined to vent today.. It’s been one shit week let me tell ya.

But as angry, hurt, frustrated, just overly emotional as I am, today was an eye opener. I don’t really talk about what is going on with me unless people ask. I have this assumption (or should I say expectation?) that if someone wanted to know something about me, they would ask, right? Just as I ask how people are doing on a daily basis.

side note: Why do I keep thinking people are like me!?

Anyway – I was chatting with a co-worker this morning and he opened up about some personal struggles he was facing. I provided my support, and shared that it’s a very interesting time, because I have recently been experiencing some similarities with others I know. Very large personal changes happening, and none are on the side of positive at the moment.

As he continued to explain, I had a moment of gratitude.. That realization, which I try and remind myself often, is that there are worse things happening out there in the world than my own “problems”. And although this idea still causes anxiety and depression – because I think I can handle ANYTHING I tell ya! – it was still rather fascinating to me that life just never stops.

No matter what is happening – happiness, vacations, sadness, losing your job – whatever it may be, life is always just happening for others. I had this huge bout of anxiety a few weeks back because something was happening to everyone around me. New jobs, new apartments, babies, new relationships, you name it. Generally speaking, it was all good things at that time. And I wondered, “why am I stagnant?!” But I realize now, maybe it wasn’t stagnation, maybe I was just in preparation mode. Maybe it’s true,

all great changes

That’s it – for me it was internal chaos, but chaos nonetheless. And not to say I’ve got all things figured out, but I have definitely been doing things now, that I should have been doing weeks, if not, months ago.

In thinking about all that was happening with people around me, my focus shifted. I then finally realized where my anxiety stems from. People. Lol.. more so, I’m afraid to lose people. Most of you know relationships are important to me. But there always comes a time in all my relationships, especially friendships, where I start “expecting” things. And by “things” I mean behaviors. Again, I assume people are like me, or I assume the Golden Rule holds true.

The problem, as we know, is if everyone were doctors, we would have no firemen. So I don’t know why I begin to expect that people just turn into me with all my goodness and giving. They aren’t me. So what ends up happening, and hysterically enough this has happened to all my very best and closest friends, is that I feel like I’m losing them somehow. Because they aren’t “caring” about me as much as I care about them while life is happening to them.

As I was sitting here sipping my latte, I realized – In almost all my closest friendships there has come a point where I questioned the loyalty of said friend. I would get upset because they were not treating me, as I do them. And as we know, I’m a little extreme – I love without boundaries and give without cause. And in each of these friendships, I’ve pushed to the point of a sort-of exile – where I, in a sense, remove this person from my peripheral, thinking this will fix whatever underlying issue there is.

After hiding, (like with one friend, we stopped speaking almost 2 years) if all is meant to be, we usually find ourselves back, talk it out, and create an even stronger bond. And literally this has happened to all 4 of my closest friends. But why? Why did each friendship have to be “tested”?

expectation

The reality is, that things are happening all around us, to everyone around us, all the time. Change is inevitable, but that doesn’t mean your people have to, or will change. I also need to continuously remind myself that I am not like other people. I will always care more. But for some reason, I thought it was easier to shut people out than care sometimes, thinking this would ease the pain of potential “loss”. Though clearly it’s not the best route to show that you do care.. oops. I’m just glad that the handful of people I have kept, chose to keep me too. I’m worth it, I swear! 🙂

However, the one thing I need to work on are these “expectations”. I hate expectations! So I wonder why I have them with the people I care most about? This is definitely something I never came to terms with until now, which to me, is surprising. I guess better late then never.

So if I’ve ever kicked you down or become overly emotional because of my un-met needs, I apologize. I am the only person who can meet my needs, so I have to understand and trust to utilize my people for their strengths, just as they use me for mine. xoxo

#rantover

❤

people watching.

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

We all do it in some form or fashion.

One of my favorites is to find first dates, or even long-term couples – I guess just couples in general – so I can question intent. Lol – I know that sounds terrible, but if you have read any of my posts, you’ll know I’m fairly critical of relationships because 90% of people are in them for all the wrong reasons.

And mind you, I know a handful of people who actually love each other, care for each other, etc.. but those relationships don’t come by very often. Do I need to remind everyone about the divorce rate.. again?!

Anywhoo.. the next that are always interesting are 20-30yr women who are at brunch.. because you wanna know what they are talking about? Yup, their terrible relationships. Lol. And again, I have seen, and heard some wonderful couples, relationships, even some beautiful friendships. What we don’t realize however, is that we are so enamored by those one-off relationships or best-friend goals, that we accept all the others as “normal” conversations or scenarios.  Why? Why is mediocre ok? Why is mediocre considered normal or average?

When did this happen?!

We have one life.. ONE. So why are we constantly filling it with mediocre anything?! I get money sometimes plays a factor on things or experiences.. but money doesn’t necessarily affect the people you can surround yourself with.

So many people question how I know so many people, yet I do so many things alone. I choose only a select few people to keep close. A great way to explain why, is to also explain the people who complain about their “friends” and how mediocre they are, but yet they still choose to surround themselves with them. And I get that different groups of people serve different purposes – co-workers, family, gym “friends”, book club, etc.. But if you find yourself complaining about people and how they are, or what they do, why are you making a conscious decision to keep them close? What purpose is mediocre serving? I guess I sort of feel bad, maybe some people want to be mediocre? But WHY?! Must I remind you of this ONE LIFE?!

mediocre

Sheesh, anyway – I want to live my life like my absolute favorite person to watch: The one who is looking at their phone and smiling. Not just for a moment, but that perma-smile look, like it will never end. Like they are re-reading, re-watching, re-looking at whatever created that smile. I want to be that person creating those smiles. I want to only surround myself with people who put that smile on my face. This girl – I swear whatever she was looking at, not only made her day.. but created a memory. That smile. It was so wonderful, and I’m glad I got to see it in this sea of mediocre.

I mean, hell, it made MY DAY. I wanted to creepily snap her and comment that this was how I wanted every day to be, and that I hope whatever made her this happy never ends. It was all kinds of beautiful, innocent, and real.

So as y’all are out there watching others, be conscious of what side you are on: Mediocracy or Memory. One Life. Don’t be part of the “average” conversation. Majority of people already lie there.. thats why it’s called “average” not amazing. 

Be that person who creates those smile-memories, and keep close those who give you those same smiles. Maybe one day,  t r u e  love and happiness can be the new “norm”.

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❤

 

p.s. as I finished this, I got a txt back from one of my people.. and man do I love staring at my phone and laughing, and having people wonder what MY happiness is from. 🙂 part of it is bc i’m hilarious, lol, but more so, the response from one of few people who get me. love you, xoxo ❤

 

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~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

**wow, I started this almost two years ago.. and it is all still so relevant – especially the emotional distress lol, every few years.. so true!

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What does it really mean to give? To love?

Love is a constant topic on my blog. Mainly because I believe 90% of the population does not understand it, or they confuse it with some other emotion. I’m not sure where in my life this issue became such a focus and frustration to me, but I’ve had this feeling for a long time.

I have currently been experiencing another downward cycle of emotional distress. I understand myself fairly well, but every so often something happens inside me and I sort of snap. I cry for days, weeks even, and can’t control emotions. I know where it fuels from.. I have demons – don’t we all? But by nature I am a happy, realistically-positive person, which allows me to manage these dark emotions, but as mentioned, like all things, nothing lasts forever.. not even happiness. Thankfully, neither does distress, so I only encounter these, what I have so graciously coined as, the “darkest of times” periodically. It seems to happen every few years.. and usually its followed by some new energy that does one of two things: gets me in trouble, or sends me into an abyss of wild happiness.. or both, I guess.

I’m not there yet, not even close. I’m still milling in my brain why I’m not just filled with pancakes vs emotions. Emotions are tough, which brings me back to my initial sentence. To give.. to love..

Why has no one figured out that yes.. love is 1 Corinthians 13. It is all of it. Love is patient. Patience. The one virtue I swear almost everyone I know, including myself has a difficult time with.

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<<begin.new>>

Not exactly sure where I was going with this, but let’s go back to that last sentence – Why has no one figured out that Love is: 1 Corinthians 13? Because it’s tough. Like I said, emotions are tough. And for someone who throws down emotions like they’re bottomless mimosas on a Sunday morning, I can vouch the toughness.

I scare people. I frustrate people. I annoy people. A wonderful co-worker said it best: “Kara, your problem is that you give your all at the beginning of everything. And not many people can handle that.” << context here was relationships, but he was even talking normal friendships and work relationships. I do, I give everything right out the gates. I mean why not? Have you ever seen those parody commercials (I want to say it was for a credit card) where they caption, “Imagine if you were completely honest on a first date”. And it goes on with the girl who says, “I’m just here for a free dinner”, and the guy “I still live at home with my mother”. (or something like that)

See?! That isn’t a what-if for me.. it’s reality. Thankfully, I DON’T NEED NO MAN TO BUY ME DINNER, lol – So that piece would never happen to me. However, this is also why sometimes I’m quiet because I can’t think of the right things to say.

So I guess there’s part of my problem.. I def don’t think before I speak.. because everything for me is emotional, and my brain isn’t invited to the party.

Anyway, this is slowly coming back to the point of this pieced-together blog: What does it mean to give? To love? It means being uncomfortable. It means being vulnerable. It means being honest. Love is being patient. And what is Patience? It’s hard, thats what it is. But it also means making other people happy. Making yourself happy. Experiencing a state of euphoria that cannot be matched with any other experience. And for me, fulfilling my purpose to be of value to others.

My biggest downfall is that I take care of others before I take care of myself. But that is love – to give without expectation. << This leads me to a tiny note: theres that saying:

love hurts

The only thing I don’t quite agree with here, is the “cover up” part, but you see where I’m going here.. Love is NOT: sex, obsession, lust, crushes, infatuation, butterflies, sweaty palms, jealousy, I can go on..

If we can just remember that to Love and to Give are verbs, action words – then it should always be a reminder that it’s the people that you give to, you love.. that may be the issue. Not the giving of Love itself. How many of us have given or loved people who have not given the same in return!? Exactly. But giving and love are not about what you get in return. What’s that other quote?

“When you give and expect something in return, that is doing business not kindness”

There are a few variations of this that state love specifically, but you get the point.

To love and to give go hand-in-hand. So don’t be afraid to love, or feel in general. Just be patient, read all of 1 Corinthians 13, and remember that love and giving is about the act, not about the people.

cheers to love,

❤