Category: Uncategorized

hello there, it’s nice to see me again.

~ NewBeginnings ~ 12 Comments

I am back. In more ways than one.

I took a mini hiatus from my blog. And although I was not nearly as generous in explanation as fellow blogger and writing superstar Jodi Ambrose was when she took a little break, 😉 I, myself was in hiding nonetheless. A lot has ensued over the past week or two.. or three even, and I have many drafts floating around that now make no sense to me. I was having a personal struggle, one that only few people knew about. This struggle of mine, has also brought ME back.

I was waiting and waiting to write a new post. Racking my brain on how and what I was going to say or explain about my situation. I had a lot of “I’ve become that person I criticize” moments. So many times did I want to spew out all my issues and try to release all the stresses building up. But honestly, not everyone needs to know my issues, not in specifics at least, and it was probably better that way. If I had blogged about it, the outcome would probably have been different. I would have felt that in expressing my emotions, it was enough to calm me down, and in the end I would not have pulled myself out of my hole.  As I have said many a time, my life is not terrible, and this situation is no different. There are plenty of worldly problems, cancers, diseases, and pain that take up people’s lives. For me, it was just a small moment of identity loss. But if this has ever happened to you, losing yourself is worse than losing your car keys.

For a few years, I was living a life that was rational and made sense. I had a great relationship, a job that pays bills, and amazing friends. Unfortunately, in all the rationality and sense that was being made, I was digging myself into a hole of self-doubt. I took a job I don’t like, and I gave up on myself and what made me happy. I was too busy focusing on making someone else happy. It’s no ones fault but my own, and knowing that was eating at me. Starting this blog was the beginning of me breaking free again, stepping outside the comfortable. My creative juices started to flow.. and I started to divulge into what was inside me. I thought about volleyball, I thought about coaching. I thought about martinis and running, and little black dresses. I thought about my family A LOT. I thought about home. I thought about my eccentricities that most people don’t understand with me, but that my friends love about me. I thought about being Posh. I thought about the expectations my parents had for me, and then I realized, my parents just expected me to be happy, and it was ME who was not living up to my OWN expectations.

I kept myself in a safe place. I moved along with societal expectations, got involved in “normal” to-do’s. My friends were starting to get married and they are now starting to have babies. The questions started popping up towards me, “So Kara, when will you.. ” So many times have I had to explain to people that marriage and kids, and houses and white picket fences, are not for me. This is hard for people to understand. Is it bad that I have a sense of ‘pride’ in being alone, single? And I’m not talking about being available here, but independent. The moment I realized I was not doing things for myself anymore, but rather for someone else, I started crumbling. The arguments of settling down and selfishness I know are out there, but if I don’t feel like I can stand on my own, how am I supposed to stand next to someone.. without them holding me up?

I’ve always had a stubborn independence in me. Call me crazy, but I’ve always seen myself in a ‘Melrose Place’ sort of complex, with a shared pool, meeting all my neighbors and having cocktails on our balconies. And when I retire, I see myself in FL with a whole lot of old people in a community having wine everyday at noon. Aside from all the alcohol, I see myself surrounded by people and being a part of a community. Like I mentioned, I don’t want to be alone, I just want to be me. I see myself visiting my nieces and nephews, seeing them on holidays, and being a role model. I see myself being successful at being unconventional. I see myself becoming a writer, a coach, a volleyball player again (most likely in an old people league, but playing nonetheless!). I see myself living by the ocean, making an impact to society, and changing people’s lives. I may not be able to change the world, but I can be the one positive influence in someone’s life that may change their perspective. Call me a dreamer, but I see these things.

I’ve always seen these things. Yet for some reason, I held them back the last few years. This past week however, after a text to a friend and a prayer, something happened. Those who know me will call it fate, but I had one of those “sometimes the-hardest-thing-and-the-right-thing-are-the-same-thing” moments. My mind was reeling, I could barely eat, my stress was through the roof, and I was making myself sick. But finally, after all the internal aching, it is over. I am free. I am ME.

I am not feeling good by any means where I am right now.. I feel like I lost my best friend. Yesterday was a miserable day. But now there is freedom to follow dreams and accomplish goals. Freedom to do better. Everyday that goes by is another new beginning. It will be hard, it IS hard, it will take time, and it will completely SUCK. But like all things, it will get better. I have to keep reminding myself of what I want.. That “life begins at the end of your comfort zone..”  and I can’t wait to get uncomfortable.

“It’s time to begin, isn’t it?
I get a little bit bigger, but then I’ll admit
I’m just the same as I was
Now don’t you understand
That I’m never changing who I am” ~Imagine Dragons

picture post

~ NewBeginnings ~ 8 Comments

Because I love sunrises so much, I just wanted to share a few pictures from my sunrise this morning. They are all from my iPhone, so they may not be the best, but they are lovely at the least 🙂 Enjoy!

 

tall, raspberry iced coffee, in a grande cup.. with extra ice.

~ NewBeginnings ~ 2 Comments

I currently have three fave hotspots where I constantly spend my time: Barnes & Noble and two different Starbucks. The Barnes & Noble is lovely on days off, especially rainy days and snowy days. Its quiet, has a lovely view of the highway, several things for me to read, and a cafe. My two Starbucksss (how DO you make Starbucks plural?) are similar for obvious reasons, but the main difference between the two, is which way and what time am I going to work?

I will keep these two Starbucksss fairly indistinguishable because continuing on this post, I don’t want to give anything away of which location I am talking about. Now, it’s not that I like one better than the other, they both have their defining qualities.. Like, one has a rude manager who I’ve seen get into arguments with customers and creates fear in me. At one of them, almost the entire staff knows my order way too well it almost scares me. (Or maybe thats both..) One has an awesome older gentleman who wears THE BEST hats. One of his hats is like those beer helmets with the straws, except it has coffee cups! (and OMG he is wearing it today!!) One of the Starbucksss has amazing seating. By amazing, I mean no matter where you sit, you are close enough to an outlet (this is important because somedays I sit for almost 8 hours. Hey, I job hunt too!) One also name-drops me.. bad. You heard me! Name-Drops! I can go on about their differences, but one thing is for sure, they both have internet, coffee, and baristas (or baristOs, as Danielle likes to call them, because they are guys) who are fairly talked about amongst my friends.

These baristOs we talk about are more important than the coffee or internet, obvi. There are the cute baristOs and the baristas (yah all kinds) who you know make your coffee better than others. Is it bad that when I send a girl out to get my coffee, and they come back with something questionable, I always ask who was working? There is some validity in  knowing who is making the coffee. (A perfect example is when I order a certain drink and ask for it ‘skinny’. There is a sign in (I assume) every the Starbucksss that states: Try it ‘skinny’ = skim milk + sugar-free (or unsweetened). So when I order a ‘skinny’ beverage, why are they asking ME what that means?!  Mind you, this happens only at one of the two Starbucksss, but seriously?!) There is also the quintessential baristO-crush where you think they are flirting with you. I mean.. this happens ALL the time! RIGHT?! (BAHAHAHA I’m literally laughing out loud typing this)

And then there is the name-dropping.. Ok, I know.. if you go to any  Starbucks, you will know that 90% of the time, they will ask your name for the cup when they prep. But one Starbucks in particular name-drops like whoa! I mean, it makes me feel at home, and like they remember me, or at least something about me.. I guess thats the point.  But, a couple of baristOs at one of my Starbucksss totally made fun of my drink in front of me. They realize the drink bar is open to the public right? And what is so wrong with a tall iced-coffee-in-a-grande-cup-with-extra-ice?! Where I work, our air circulation is so terrible that it’s always about 75-80 degrees everyday.. do I really need to explain that to these baristOs?! And to top it all off, they know my name! Great.

Well this name-dropping business got me all confused. At one (or both 😉 ) of my Starbucksss I started getting name-dropped so often, I thought.. OMG do I  have a baristO-crush?! I mean, for the past few weeks, I’ve had my name said.. nicely.. and with a coffee behind it! And it’s not only when my coffee is ready, it’s been right when I walk in! “Kara, you’re not normally here this late are you?” “I’m not used to you NOT ordering a coffee, Kara.” Whoa I tell you. And ok, I get that someone of my nature, (who should probably just work for Starbucks at this point) who is in as frequently as I am, name-dropping should be a norm. Whatever, I’ll see it as flattery any day.

Which brings me to my point of this awesome post. The other day, I overheard one of my baristO-crush-name-droppers say something about a girl he was ‘seeing’. WHAT?! I mean, I myself, have had a boyfriend.. for 5yrs now. 🙂 But in moments like these, you don’t want to know those personal snip-its! Its like going to watch “Magic Mike’ and being reminded that Mr. Channing Tatum is MARRIED.. happily at that! You don’t want to think about that! You just want to watch him dance around and forget there is even a plot to the movie.. wait, is there?!

Question now is.. is he playing hard to get?! HAHAHAHA no.. but is it bad that now all this fake ‘special’ treatment is now normal? Knowing that any of these baristOs really don’t have crushes on me!? Wait, are Starbucks employees paid to flirt!? Maybe. Or maybe as a girl, it was just the flattery in it all.. and knowing that somewhere, the idea of someone having a crush on you, made you feel like.. a girl.  A girl in a movie. Co-staring with Channing Tatum. 😉

So to all you baristOs out there.. if you are even pretend-fliritng, don’t talk about other girls.. it’s unprofessional anyway to the public, and all us coffee-loving ladies want to pretend you have a crush on us. the end.

breaking up is hard to do.

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I planned on waiting a few days before blogging about the big Ray Allen news but I just couldn’t hold it in any longer.

I figured after a couple of days, emotions would be settled, and maybe I could write about it without any real emotion from myself, just knowledge. However, after seeing Ray’s picture with Rashard Lewis holding up their Heat uniforms yesterday, a wildfire of emotions came through me. I almost cried. It was like when I broke up with my high school boyfriend and then finding out three weeks later that he was seeing someone new. I remember thinking, “you said you LOVED me!” I wanted to see this girl.. I needed to know if I was better than she was. Seeing Ray with that jersey.. aside from the pain, was the same as seeing that girl. I was flooded with teenage girl emotions all over again. But she was not better than me, and that jersey definitely looked better in GREEN. With a 20 on it. No matter what the Heat bring to the table this coming season, they aren’t Boston, they aren’t LA, they aren’t even the Bulls.. they aren’t much of anything other than a basketball organization who has great players. And as many sports enthusiasts can vouch, having great players doesn’t mean you have a great team.

Growing up in southern california, I was born into a family of Laker fans, and I of course, was also a fan. Part of me still is, when Boston isn’t a contender, but really, when does that happen? 😉 My family can’t understand how this happened, but living in the Boston area for almost 18 years now, it only took time before my blood would start to bleed Green. The competition with my family is always fun though, it was especially exciting in the 2008 and 2010 finals. As big of rivals Boston and LA are.. and as intense as their competition is, I would have rather seen Ray put on Yellow and Purple. I would have taken the beating from my family and all the snide remarks that came with it. Really I, and probably every other Celtics fan, would have rather seen Ray go anywhere but to the Heat. Boston has history, and to-date, the most banners hanging from the rafters. Year after year, the Celtics and the Lakers are always considered hopefuls even when they have a bad season. It took negotiations and top-ranked players to make Miami what it is today, and even so, it’s only been that way for about 2-3 years.  Call me spoiled, but I’m just happy I was able to be part of the two best NBA teams in the country. 🙂

Back to Ray breaking up with us.. I was upset when I first heard the news, maybe not as upset as some people I know, but upset nonetheless. The reason I say  it this way is because, as a person, I am fairly level headed when it comes to emotions toward athletes or celebrities. Really, what have they done for me other than entertain? Im not saying Ray did not impact the Celtics, or their fans, I am just saying its not worth a jersey burning, because yes, he DID impact the Celtics during his time here. But honestly, when I saw that jersey in his hands, that smile on his face, I’m telling you, I felt cheated on. There was a small part of me who wanted to pull out a lighter.

The hardest part about all of this is the “WHY!?” Just like my sad high school break up, I wanted answers. All of Boston wanted answers. A lot of scrutiny came out calling Ray “The new Johnny Damon.” (Johnny Damon left the Red Sox for the Yankees a fews years back.. right into our rivals arms) However, in conversation with someone dear to me, it was said that “No, its not like Johnny Damon, because Damon left for more money. You can never fault someone for doing that because in that situation, we would all do it.” Im sure there is a small percentage of people who would claim loyalty and stay, but either way.. Ray left us for LESS. So I can assume that what is eating away at Celtics fans is that Ray left for personal reasons.. and unfortunately no matter what ESPN or local sports networks can spew out, i.e. Ray leaving because he was almost traded the past few years, Ray didn’t get along with Rondo.. gossip, gossip. Even our own speculation as fans doesn’t matter because the only people who will know the real reason of Ray’s break-up with Boston is Ray, his wife, and most likely his agent. Thats it.

As Celtics fans, we will all be upset, we will hate to see that jersey.. red or green. We will never understand why.. Time will pass, wounds may be re-opened, but somehow, at some point, we will let go. Letting go is the best at this point because our concern right now should not be about Ray Allen, but instead, Rondo, Pierce, and Garnett. Like any break-up, you eventually have to let go but you always remember what you had, and what you still have.

GO Cs!

today.

~ NewBeginnings ~ 4 Comments

Today is kind of a tough day.

It’s a day where I look back, and as cheese (my version of ‘cheesy’) as many of my posts are, I realize they are all true. As much as we want to live the way we watch it on television, read it, or quote it, it takes days like today where we question why we don’t actually live that way.

I found out that an old high school friend passed away yesterday. She was only 30yrs old and lost her fight with cancer. When I say old friend, I just want to clarify that we were friends in high school, but we haven’t talked since. In more recent years, she found me on Facebook, and we “kept in touch” via the internet. I didn’t know much about her after high school other than what I saw from Facebook.  I know she got married a few years ago and has three kids. We were not close, but when I read the news, I was back in high school. I was thinking.. imagine if we knew then how much time we had left.

My freshman year I lost a friend in a car accident. During that time I also wondered the same thing. My friends and I, and the whole town really, talked and talked about ‘how fragile life is’. Trying to keep this idea in the forefront of our minds.

And now, I am confronting these same emotions. Going into your 30s, the ideas of ‘threats’ like cancer, become more apparent in everyday life. Yet, (especially in this day-in-age where studies show we are living longer lives) we act as though we will live forever. Whether its 30 or 95, our time will come and it will still feel ‘too soon’ because there will always be a tomorrow that we don’t see.

I have posted before about regrets of the elderly before they passed and to not make the same mistakes. I have also posted about what this life has in store for us and the possibility of why things happen. I write and write, and people read and agree. Yet it takes a life lost before it hits home. It is hitting me especially hard because there are so many things I want to do before the Lord calls my name. I only pray that I have the time to do it all and make the impact on this life that I feel I’m supposed to. And when that time comes, I will continue to pray in hopes I am able to see the outcome of my positive (hopefully!) contribution I make on this world. I don’t know what this old friend of mine had planned in her life. I don’t know if she felt it was her time. As I mentioned before, I don’t know much, but what I do know, is that there is a family mourning a loss, and a ‘girl’ I talked to in the hallways and sang with in choir who lost a battle. I pray that the family finds peace.

I apologize if I have dampened the day. I did not share this to create sadness, but more as a reminder of, not only my posts, but of all those who share the same idea. Live today and don’t expect tomorrow, follow your dreams, tell people you love them. Make decisions and own them. Learn something new everyday. Make a difference even if its a small one. Have no regrets. Be thankful for everyday..

I can keep going, but you get the idea. If there is one more thing to say to finish off this post, it’s to remember ALL the cliches and keep them where you can see them.. Loss should not be the only reminder of life, today should be.

Laguna Beach.. A life lesson?

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

So, I watched a mini marathon of Laguna Beach today. I know you’re jealous 😉 Season 2 was on, which was fantastic, because its my favorite of the 3 seasons. And for the sake of my wild fan-isms, can I just get a show of hands of Lauren Conrad fans?! I absolutely love her, where she comes from, and what she has done for herself.. amazing fashionista, she is.

While the finale was closing up, it got me to thinking about a few things: high school, college, and California. It took me back to a place where the world was in front of me and anything was possible. I don’t mean to relate this to my last post, but I thought about my life choices.. and where I was when ‘LC’ and Stephen graduated from Laguna High School. I was 24. I was probably making bad decisions. And this is where I guess the connection from my last post comes in.

I look at my life now, and really, its not all that bad. I have a job I don’t like, but its a job nonetheless.. my bills gets paid, I have no debt, I eat everyday. I have a gym membership I don’t us as often as I should, I have cable (score!), and I have amazing friends who double as my family. Honestly, they are the shining stars in my life. AND, as simple as it may sound, I have LIFE. I am alive, and I am healthy.

After the credits started to roll, and I was wondering when the next marathon would be on, I starting saying to myself.. “I have so many regrets…no, not regrets, but I definitely didn’t make the choices I thought I would make when I was younger. If I just didn’t…” And that’s where I consciously stopped myself. I was about to blame this “normal” life I had, on something. I was about to blame it on getting married. I was married in June of 2001. I was 20, and 6 months later, right before my 21st birthday, I was legally separated. Then, divorced by August. Within a year, I had been married, filed lots of paper work, fought over a measly $1,000, changed my name twice, and was single again before I knew it. I wouldn’t call it traumatizing, but it was definitely a huge emotional strain I never planned to have by my 21st birthday. The relationship was sour from the start and, blame it on being young, but I knew and wanted to end that relationship before that wedding.. and maybe its that decision that I regret so much. I blame myself. for making bad decisions.

That got me to thinking.. these choices we make, we have to live with them.. take ownership of them, and hopefully learn from them. So why do we make bad ones? Is that the learning part? Like I was saying before, I don’t have a terrible life by any means. And all the “bad” decisions got me here, maybe with nothing more than amazing friends, but if thats the one ‘amazing’ thing I get out of all this, I’ll take it. That being the case, why am I not happy where I am in this ‘normal’ life? Why do I just keep going day by day.. feeling like I am missing out on something? Why am I not making a change? What choices led me here? Mind you, I’m not looking to become famous, or even important. I would however, like my blog to do well 🙂 But other than that, I’m not looking for a grand, fancy lifestyle. I just want what is waiting for me. I have an itch that leads me to believe I have a greater purpose than to sell bras and undies and to sit at home and watch “House Hunters”. I don’t even WANT to buy a house! More recently have I been feeling that ache, like something needs to happen. Something abnormal? But I keep feeling like I’m passing things by, even little things. I keep kicking myself for not going to the gym. Everyday I’m on the edge, I choose not to go. I make excuses. I wanted to submit my 1min audition to be Co-Host for the day on “Live! with Kelly”. See?! That could have been my chance! But again, excuses. Maybe too, because I don’t seem to do as well as I thought thinking on my feet. I’ve noticed I do much better after having thought about something. Comebacks for example, give me a day or two and I have a mean comeback on any comment. Another example is my writing. My blogs that get more feedback are better than others because I review them and I edit. Maybe this long thought process is reason for my lack of decision making. Laguna Beach reminded me of that. Or at least the idea of California did. I have been wanting to move back to California since the day my plane landed in Boston. That was 18 years ago. Gross. I hate doing life math. I was 13 and my parents are divorced, so it was my time to move out to live with my mother on the opposite coast of where I was born and raised. High School went by and I finally had a chance to go back. I looked at the University of California, San Diego. But I also wanted to play volleyball. I had been playing since I was 9 and like any child athlete, I wanted to go to the olympics. Obvi. Therefore, I HAD to play in college. The only school who looked at me, however, was NOT in CA. So where did I go? To a state school south of Boston. And what happened my freshman year? I quit because my then fiancé told me it was hindering our relationship.. and then what happened after that? Oh yah we got married and divorced in one year. During all that, I transferred to a private college in NH and played my junior and senior year. What was wrong with me?! Who let me make these bad decisions?! Oh right, I did. Why did no one at least slap me?! A better question I constantly asked myself back then was, “Why didn’t I at least try, be a walk-on.. take a chance.” When did I become weak?!

As we divulge into a small portion of my personal life, I bring it back to me watching all the hopefulness of the future via a Laguna Beach season finale of graduation, going off to college, saying goodbye to childhood friends, and making a fresh start. Old feelings suddenly came back to bite me in the ass. Because really, I’m old enough now where I can move if I want. I have a whole colony of Liwanag’s out west to help me, support me, and take me in with open arms. I won’t have to cry every time I leave LAX anymore, my brother will only be a 2 hour plane ride vs the 5-6hr flight I do now. (He’s in the army, and stationed outside Seattle) In total, I have 5 nieces, one of which I haven’t even met yet, and 2 nephews, one who I also haven’t met yet. And maybe thats what I feel I’m missing out on? Family.. being a part of their lives. I have never had the desire to have children myself, so being away from my family of children must be starting to take a toll.

That being the case, why have I not gone back yet?! Why have I continued to make mediocre decisions everyday? I’ve been making excuses for 18 years. What will it take for me to finally decide to move back home? Money? Maybe. A job lined up? Another maybe. A good friend said it like this to me, (not verbatim) ” Maybe something inside you is not ready to make that decision. Decisions happen when its time to make them.” So is it timing then? What about that saying.. ‘The time is NOW’?

I’m sure there is scientific rational for all my questions, and more than that, probably lots of spiritual rational. Even so, I’m still here, in a city outside of Boston wondering when I’ll be strong enough to make the leap. I don’t even know why this decision is so difficult. Maybe I should go to the gym more often.

On a side note: Happy Birthday to my niece Lydia! Love you! She’s a whopping 6yrs old today 🙂

(OMG is it bad I totally teared up writing that!)

didn’t your mother ever teach you that pointing is bad?

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

DISCLAIMER: May become slightly spiritual or largely philosophical, or both. Or possibly neither, hope you enjoy it anyway!

I feel like I learn something new everyday.

Whether it’s something interesting, such as, “What differentiates a ‘college’ vs a ‘university’? Or even “What does being a ‘tenured’ teacher mean?” And sometimes, I learn useless things like, “Miley got engaged!” Or, “What?! Chris Hemsworth is married with child!?” Oh social media and smart people.. {sigh} teaching me little snip-its of life, one crazy or important thing at a time.

Point here is I learned something again. This time, it was a week long process.. mainly because I ran into a few people who made me question humanity.

Not to brag, but I know a LOT of people. (HAHAHA I laughed out loud typing that) But really. I know people I grew up with, I know people I went to high school with, and those I went to college with. I also know lots of people I have worked with. I even know celebrities. I mean, I don’t KNOW them, but I know what I know from media and wikipedia.

Of these people, many have inspired me, motivated me, helped me, made me laugh, and some even love me 🙂 Of all these people though, there is a defining factor on who I keep by my side, while others just continue on in my life as bits and pieces. Its always one question I ask myself. In true Carrie Bradshaw form: “When it comes to relationships..”  Umm no, I meant to say “Do you point the finger at yourself?”

People who take ownership for what comes their way, good or bad, are people I keep close. We all make mistakes, but it is always us who make that decision on how to act upon it. A friend posted on twitter “Strong people make as many mistakes as weak ones do. But the strong ones admit their mistakes, laugh about it & learn from it.” Life isn’t easy. And all these people I know have a story. Now, I’m not going to divulge into sad stories of my own childhood or life because, really, I don’t consider it to be that awful. However, many people, after learning some information, may think it was. I had a conversation with a lovely friend of mine about this, and about how people persevere through bad situations. In this conversation, to give an example, I pulled the Oprah card. Oprah (a celebrity, that I can say, I’m not the only one who knows her 😉 ) had a terrible childhood. It’s known about her struggles, rape, abortion, and so forth. But it is also known about how she made a decision that if there was nothing left, she at least had herself. And it was OPRAH, who made herself into what she is today.

I love the Oprah card because, although her situation is a little extreme, she is a great example of what I learned: that everyone has a Choice. A choice to make your life what you want it and stop blaming others and society. I’m not saying to place ‘blame’ on yourself, but more ownership on what you choose your life to become. Oprah could have become a statistic, saying her childhood was a failure, the people who abused her ruined her life. No. Instead she woke up one day taking ownership for things that have happened. You think she would say, “oh yah that rape made me famous.”? “Those people who thought I was nothing, yah they helped get me my first job.”? Doubt it. Oprah herself made her what she has become. Instead of placing blame on her environment, she made a choice to become better than that.

One of the greatest gifts we have from God is the ABILITY to make CHOICES. Not only did God allow us the choice to follow HIM or not, we also choose to take a shower, to be angry, to go to the gym. With anything in life (and I try to remind myself of this often) there are always better situations, but we always forget that there are worse. Whatever you believe, especially in regards to ‘fate’, we may have a destination, but it’s our choice in what that journey will look like. I apparently like the mountainous route.

I know we have all heard this story before. Choice. And I know sometimes certain choices are fairly non-negotiable like going to work; but it is still a choice. What we have in front of us now did not just happen today, yesterday, or last month even. It began with a series of choices we allowed ourselves from the moment we were presented with that gift. And trust me. Its not easy to look in the mirror and think, “hmmm you there, are YOU my problem?” It’s easy to play the blame game and point fingers.. “my health” ..”my job” ..”Johnny didn’t help me.” All these things, health especially, are life-long decisions. We know some people have it easier than others, but it’s still a choice of how you treat your body and what you put into it.

I have a hard time understanding these types of people who feel that life owes them something. Why choose to depend on society? Why be dependent on those around you? Even family, friends.. because even the closest will not be there forever. There comes a time in your life when you are able to formulate ideas, thoughts, decisions, all by yourself. So why give that up an depend on others for those decisions? Why allow others to hold YOUR FATE?

We don’t have to subject ourself to others’ responsibility. It’s a choice to see the things you can do for yourself. Because when you get to those pearly gates, its just you. And you might only have thumbs left.

blockage and bras.

~ NewBeginnings ~ 2 Comments

I’m having bloggers-block.

I assume this is a real thing.. I mean if writers can get blocked, bloggers can too. We are a form of writing, after all.. So this blog is pretty much about the ‘nonsense’ I mentioned in my “about me” page. I figure writing nonsense is better than not writing at all. At least it keeps my blog fresh, considering I haven’t blogged in almost a month!

Lets start with my morning.. I woke up fairly early and headed to the laundry mat. I was driving in absolutely gorgeous weather with my windows down, my hair in a wild frenzy, some New Direction and Maroon 5 on the radio.. A blanket of sun was covering every inch of the highway.. it was beautiful. And then.. I’m parked. And come to find out, I forgot my hangers, detergent, bleach, and dryer sheets. But “Live with Kelly!” is on! and Joel McHale is guest hosting.. LOVE him! Saw him live once, at a super classy place called the Casino Ballroom in Hampton Beach. [insert sarcasm here] But this detergent/hanger/bleach/dryer sheets situation was not fixing itself, and I was not planning on driving all the way home again.. Or maybe I should have! The drive alone would have been worth it. Well I didn’t. Instead, I spent $4.50 on three packets of detergent, a packet of bleach, and two packets of dryer sheets. I then drove over to Target while my clothes were in the wash and spent another $7 on hangers, and $2 on a breakfast sandwich from the cafe. $11 is probably more than the gas I would have used to drive home. (I don’t count breakfast, because I would have spent that anyway) Oh well, it made for a neat little adventure to Target and more time outside.

As the Nate Berkus show starts to come on, my laundry is drying and I’m swiftly folding clothes into neat little piles. Theres a wonderful cross-breeze coming through the doors, and I love when my hair starts blowing in a whirl-wind sort of way, I feel like I’m in a music video.. or hair product commercial, which ever makes me look more fantastic.

If you are still reading at this point, good for you! Im sure your excited to find out what happens next!

After all the suspense.. I took my laundry and drove it back home. After my 3 trips from my car to the apartment, (I had hanging items too) I decide to change. I really wasn’t feeling my first outfit of the day. I figure I’ll stick with my distressed denim shorts, a regular summer staple, but just find a more comfortable top. I was wearing a bright orange tank with a beach scene and palm trees screen-prtinted on it, and a convertible nude bra that I made into a razor-back so my straps would be hidden. Oh don’t you worry, my bra is an important ingredient in the outfit salad of my day.. This bra that I was wearing, is a regular undergarment that is not meant to be seen. However, for some reason, on my right side, and my right side only, (trust me, I checked the left!) said bra was just chillin saying hello to people! I had a small moment of embarrassment knowing I had been running around all morning looking like that. Rather than question the quality of my tank, I decided to just find a better option of both items all together. I decided to try something new and exciting. I have never done this before, so I was somewhat thrilled at the outfit-experience I’m about to describe. I chose a multi-colored bandeau-style concert bra in blue and berry tones. I set it to a razor-back-look like my last bra, and paired it with a berry colored loose tank that has a little pocket on the left side like a tee-shirt. Now, you might be sitting there wondering, CONCERT bra? Yes. Working in a bra and undie store, who apparently were the first to advertise these things in the mall, I know a lot about them. Think about it, someone out there sat down and thought up an idea for a CONCERT bra. Here is an informal definition below.

Concert Bra: N. A bra made to wear at concerts and festivals that is made in a bathing-suit-type material that resembles a top for matters of thunderstorms, rain, or potential mud-sliding. This ‘bra’ is MEANT TO BE SEEN. Made in three known styles: bandeau, bustier, and triangle top.

You heard me. This bra can say hello to people all it wants because it is meant to be a top. Do we remember these from Madonna’s old days?! Bra-tops.. Really now? Well my concert bra is more of an accessory rather than a bra or a top. But it did alleviate my last ‘regular’ bra’s issue of being seen when it was not supposed to. I mean, c’mon now, this concert bra can be seen by people and no one will think I’m strange. Or at least thats the idea.

After this personal struggle of the seen, or not to be seen bra, my day continued with another lovely drive, this time, to B&N. Or as most people call it, Barnes and Noble. After getting out of my car, again in the gorgeous weather, shoulders bare, with my bra meaning to be seen, it was like I had turned into the hippie I always wanted to be. I was so excited about this new experience, I had to text a friend about it.

So as you can see, this was the highlight of my day. And here I am, still at B&N typing away at nonsense and a newfound interest in concert bras. Im so hip now. Hopefully my evening consists of something more interesting and maybe my blogging-block will end and I can type about something a little more entertaining. Or at least life changing.. or humorous, I’ll take humorous. Not like this piece wasn’t hysterical enough.

a small rant.

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

For some reason the billboard music awards has conjured up some random emotion and thoughts.

So what do I do? Pour myself a glass of wine.

It has been a very tough week at work, and if you read my last post, you would have seen a small glimpse of my how I feel about my job. Speaking of jobs, I have been actively hunting, like the old school hunter-gatherer type, for a new career. It has been thoroughly frustrating because I love writing and consider myself naturally creative. However, my most recent work experience has been managing a 1.5M dollar bra and undie store. With that, comes offers only from sales groups or retailers. It amazes me how often companies miss the 2nd largest portion of my resume which includes working for one of the largest financial institutions in the US, graphic design, marketing, social networking, blogging, and even some admin work. Having done so much professionally seems to be a problem. I don’t specialize in one thing. I specialize in knowing HOW to do many things.

Even then, how did I become crumpled up and stuffed into a tiny hole of an idea that I know nothing more than how to manage a retail store? More so, aren’t management skills important? Long story short, I manage up to 25 associates during our busy “holiday” seasons and have a fairly good retention rate, especially for retail. And last year as a manager, I had the highest key performance indicators in my store. That means, during the times I ran business on the sales floor, I had the highest average dollar sale, units per transaction, and customer conversion rate combined.

Lets Wayne’s World this moment and take us to Friday {{waving hands and bee-doo-doop sounds}} As I was waiting for my laundry to dry at the ‘mat (as I like to call it) ‘Live! with Kelly’ was on. I freakin love that show! I believe Reggie Bush was the co-host, and Krysten Ritter was a guest. On the show there was a moment where Krysten was talking about how she got discovered. Kelly then began talking about talent and being discovered. She said something along the lines of: Some of the best talent is still undiscovered because they couldn’t make it to an audition or something.. She continued with a tiny discussion of uncontrollables and some controllables that hold people back from being discovered.

This got me thinking about my blog. And though this little blog of mine, is not as ‘big’ per say, as I would like it to be, I at least have some followers, and many friends who read along. But I also began to think.. is there something I’m not doing.. or worse, AM doing.. that is holding my blog back? And in essence, holding myself back from a career that I would be happy in? Better yet, flourishing in? And making a positive social contribution to? Am I not marketing myself properly? Does my blog suck!?

{{waving hands and bee-doo-doop sounds}}

Oh hello there again Billboard Music Awards. *takes sip of wine.

So here I am again, job hunting and getting frustrated that my natural and previous talents are being smoked-screened by this retail business. I guess its partially my fault since I have been searching at probably the worst time of the year because I am competing with recent grads heading into the job market. Thats another thing I would love to know: how can a 22yr old with no professional experience be more valuable than me? Now, I’m not saying recent grads aren’t valuable, I mean, we have med school grads, science grads, techies, art students even, who clearly have something I don’t. A skill I can’t do. I just wonder though, with a Communications degree myself, and a minor in Business/Marketing, why is it that being a 31yr old with professional experience makes me seem INvaluable? Is it because young grads technically will be alive longer than me? I mean, I’m still on track to make it another 40 to even 60 more years!

Or maybe its that thing.. those uncontrollables.. or maybe its the controllables.. Maybe I’ll just start doing cartwheels in front of all the companies I want to work for. Is that good marketing? Either way, I really need to figure this out, because I think the wine is starting to get to me..

keep your eyes on the prize..

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

hello friends!

Today, like many days, I realize something new. My realization today was nothing really profound, just another pat on the back, and Glee-like motivation to continue to reach beyond what is in front of me. If you get a moment, and you are open to reading about life and matters of faith, please read this Blog:  http://wp.me/p2hYeU-9i and you may see what I’m talking about.

This Blog, as Religious as it may seem, has taught me a few things. Honestly, I first started following AdoptingJames, not because I knew what they were blogging about, but because they followed me. I find that its respectful to follow bloggers who follow me, so long as I can relate. After further reading the blog, however, I learned so many new ways of looking at things. I have found strength in everyday obstacles and learned not be afraid of talking about my faith.

The reason why I’m talking about this particular blog post is because, 1: you’ll see a quote below that I extracted that I want to chat about, and 2: really, I just wanted to share with my friends because I know I’m not the only one feeling like this right now. No matter what religion you are, or what faith you carry, I feel like this message can be understood by all. Here is the excerpt:

“May we never take our eyes off of what’s to come, because when you’re pulled down by the mundane babblings of the cashier working next to you, you can offer a word of encouragement that something better is outside that retail store. Keep your eyes fixed on Heaven, and you won’t be able to help but speak about it with everyone you know. God knows that you’re not happy where you are (and sorry Mr. Olstene, but God isn’t concerned about our best life now), but He knows that there is a greater Life waiting for you on the other side of this world, and we should all be living for it each moment” -http://adoptingjames.wordpress.com/2012/05/16/fix-your-eyes-above/

This excerpt was towards the end of the post, but the post itself talks about feeling STUCK in a situation. its a good read I tell you. The reason why this portion of the post really hit me was because, if you know what I do for a living, the “babblings of the cashier working next to you” happens EVERYDAY! The other reason, more importantly, that hit me was the continuing line “you can offer a word of encouragement that something better is outside that retail store”

I do that everyday. I am the cheerleader at work. I’m a supporter, a friend, a motivator. Not to totally brag about myself, 🙂 but I have stopped people from quitting out of mere explanation of what they mean to me at work. Not only what they mean to me, but what they mean to this job, and what they are capable of doing. This job may not be what we do forever, but it is our job to learn from it and create experiences to help us further. Aside from work, I also help the people I work with understand that learning from your mistakes is not always the best way, but learning from OTHERS mistakes sometimes is more effective. In what I do for work, there comes a point where you do feel “stuck” so it is so coincidental that this blog popped up today when my co-worker and I had this EXACT conversation yesterday! We feel stuck, “comfortable” in other words, and feel like there is no way out. Its easy to stay where you are, no effort, no challenge. A wonderful friend of mine posted on FB one day “Life begins at the end of your comfort zone”. I felt then as I do now, that if we all think that way, we will never become stagnant.

This blog post, talks about stepping out and reaching higher. Looking ahead and looking for support from others. I know not everyone who reads this post will correlate Heaven with what is out there for them, but the message of knowing that we can be stronger than those that keep us down is marvelous. There IS more to this life.  Ive always had this strange feeling that the minute I’m not searching for something, life is over. Not necessarily, OVER, over, but I question, have I done EVERYTHING I can?! I mean, even in my own life, there are many people who think my dreams and aspirations are silly, but I keep trying, and finding more clever ways to get there. Because for me, I DO believe God has a greater plan for me. I feel as though I am meant to help people in a non-traditional way. I am a great mentor to many, and knowing that even if I helped only one person this whole time, its one person more than if I didn’t try at all. And sure, we all get STUCK at some point, heck, I AM stuck right now! But knowing there is a way out should be motivation enough to keep your head up and eyes focused.

As far as work and life is concerned, I plan to continue to be that cheerleader for those who are stuck. As I mentioned, I am also stuck.  Many who know me, know that. And honestly, always being the motivator sometimes leads me forget to motivate myself. The things I read in this post.. I have found myself saying to people! Strangely, however, why have I stopped saying them to myself?!  This post, couldn’t have shown up in my inbox at a better time.

Again, if you have the time to read it, I definitely recommend it. If not, you’ll be hearing about it from me anyway 🙂 And I know I’m promoting a blog right now, but don’t forget to keep reading mine! 🙂

http://adoptingjames.wordpress.com/2012/05/16/fix-your-eyes-above/