Category: self-esteem

hit me like a hurricane

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I’m alive!

I honestly can’t believe how long it has been since my last post. For those who are still out there following me, and those who have been reading recently, a very big THANK YOU, to you!

I have been traveling A LOT, especially this year. Most for fun, one due to a family death, but all sending me across the country nonetheless. As we all know, if you have read any posts on this page, I have anxiety and depression. And with all the travel, and death, and well, life.. I hadn’t had time to see my therapist. After my last trip, an actual vacation! I finally saw my lovely Dr. and verbally vomited a lot of what was held in, the past 6 months. There were some weird dreams I had, and a lot of emotions needing to be discussed.

One thing we always work on is meditation. I’m terrible at this. I think it’s a little weird if I’m gonna be honest, but I know it helps. One thing my therapist always tells me, is that no one is perfect at meditation, it’s not supposed to be “perfected”. Because my mind is constantly running at 435948732 miles an hour, I always seem to wander off or lose track, and not that I have to be but I always feel bad, or like I’m failing. Positive note is that my therapist also always says that’s what meditation is, working on coming back to center. So the thing is, if I’m wandering and NOT coming back to center.. then there’s an issue. But the constant work of coming back to center is the work I need to be doing.

Point of this preface is that last night, I was trying to meditate. Per usual, my brain had me going in 78 directions and I’m having conversations that don’t exist with people who have no idea about the way I feel.. etc.. But in my ramblings to myself, 2 topics came to mind:

  1. I was talking something out about the “good & bad”. But then caught myself saying: but why does there always have to be “bad”? Why can’t it be “good & opportunistic”? Because in every, and I mean EVERY “bad” there is always a good. No matter how far off or morbid, or partially insane the idea may be, there is always a good. Now, I’m not discounting the pain and/or struggle we may have when things go wrong, or even when we lose a loved one.. but there is still, and always will be, a silver lining.
  2. Heartbreak. I’m sure somewhere in my internal conversations these two topics somehow merged, but heartbreak in a separate sense fascinated me for some time. Because as most of you know, I LOVE, love. Because love moves mountains, saves lives, brings people together, and in it’s purest form is nothing but contentment.

And this my friends is where my post has led me today. I was thinking about people I care about and the concept of love again.. that Love is: 1 Corinthians: 13. Not that I’m trying to make y’all read the bible, but point is that Love is pure, and all that is good.

Love is not Lust. Love is not obsession. Love is not fear. Love is not expectation. Love is not sex. Love is not attractiveness. Love is not flirting. Love is not pain. I can go on, but lastly, heartbreak has nothing to do with love.

Those items noted above are in and of themselves things, feelings, and separate entities of life that create emotion, sometimes pain, confusion, conflict, and questions.

Love, in and of itself, is the only thing that makes all those above disappear. Love itself is pure optimism, peace, and answers.

A few months back, I was talking to my best friend about love and heartbreak, and how we wouldn’t be who we are without the experiences we have had. And we talked about other people we knew some who have, and possibly have NOT had these same experiences. The conversation turned to: you can’t understand love, or life even, if you have not experienced heartbreak. Never in a million years did I think I would ever say.. FALSE.

I thought about that last night, while “trying” lol, to meditate. I have been heartbroken 4 times. You always remember those times people. They are terrible times. 3 times from the hands of men, and one time from my own. Broke my own damn heart.

And let me tell you. Heartbreak, or heartache is nothing, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING I wish upon ANYONE. I used to think: “Can’t wait till someone breaks his heart/breaks her heart.. then they will know/understand……..”

NO. I don’t care what you have done to me in this world. I wish this emotion, or life episode, on NO ONE. Just thinking about it, I fell into a small hole remembering what that felt like. And at the time people would say, “Well you loved him.” Yes. Past Tense. Because I realized, if you become heartbroken, it was not true love. It was possibly something else. Lust, sex, obsession, expectation, friendship even (that involved expectation).. but not love.

Heartbreak literally throws you under a bus. An unmoving one. It’s suffocating. It is the true definition of depression. There is a hole, an empty space in your stomach. You can literally feel it. It’s like a daily stomachache. The hole in your heart is similar, but strangely enough not as painful. Maybe because it knows it wasn’t love.

But this pit in your stomach.. not only does that hurt, your head hurts, your muscles hurt, your joints hurt. You definitely do not want to get out of bed. You sleep for days. The crying.. OH THE CRYING. I’m telling you, it is unbearably painful. Every part of your being hurts. It hurts to laugh, it hurts to think. You think you are going crazy. Not only the physical pain.. but seriously how can your emotions hurt too?! How, I tell you!?

I can literally re-feel it right now. Once it happens I don’t think that memory will ever leave, maybe because it’s a reminder to be better next time and work to NOT get to that place again. Remember, not all breakups lead to heartbreak/ache, so to be conscious of that can help alleviate any future breakup/relationship issues.

In that context, to finish this off – I was talking to a friend before I finished editing this, and he mentioned in his last few relationships that he kind of set himself up to sort of expect a breakup. Not that he didn’t hope for longevity, but understanding reality he just realized that if the relationship did end, then it was nothing “unexpected”. Me, being the over-thinker that I am, internally questioned: Was this just a typical “guy” set up into relationships? Did this take away from the validity of the relationship? Is this the new wave of not allowing yourself to be vulnerable and not fully putting yourself into the relationship? Or did this just answer my idea of working to NOT get into a place of heartbreak?

Either way, emotions have no definitive answer because they are felt, but one thing is for certain – Love that is real and pure does not create pain. Pain is a separate and individual emotion. Relationships are not black and white, but heartbreak/ache (or at least the memory of it) is forever.

Be mindful of how your relationships are, whether romantically, or friendship. Friends can break hearts too you know, and Love is meant to grow, not diminish.

Lastly, if you’ve never felt heartbreak, spread love to more people. You have a gift, and I hope you always feel that goodness.

❤

 

 

 

 

Untitled 2

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I felt compelled to write tonight.

Maybe because it’s been a while? Also maybe because ideas and emotions always flow through my brain when I’m depressed or anxious because that’s what causes the issue in the first place, amiright?! Just casually sitting here, creating unrealistic life scenarios all day and thinking the world is out to get me. #nobigs

Therapy has been tough recently. Not “tough” as in difficult per say, but tough emotionally. Don’t get me wrong, I know that’s the point. To shake up unresolved emotions and get them out. It’s a process, a daily challenge. And like 80% of this worlds population, I have issues.

  1. Control issues (where this comes from is a novel, so let’s not go there today)
  2. When I begin to “feel” not in control of life, I panic and ultimately become a very difficult person. I snap, I’m rude, I’m a super bitch, and then I ignore the world for a minute to “make a point” (<< seriously I’m a crazy person) and then when my point isn’t understood I get angry again and sort of create situations of self-sabotage in order to try and “control” something or someone.. see #1

One thing I do rather well is fight with people in order to inflict emotion. I tell myself I’m just challenging their thought process, but no, I know I’m just fighting. Because for some ungodly reason, fighting still equates emotion for me. I lived many a life where fighting = caring. Now, I KNOW this is not true. Fighting does not equal caring. But it’s still in there somewhere, and needs to release. I actually didn’t realize how bad this was until recently.

Because I realized.. the person I keep “trying” (I’m not quite succeeding more than just making myself mad and becoming disappointed in myself) to fight with, isn’t “fighting” back. And when the words (verbatim btw): “I’m just waiting for you to tell me to shut the fuck up!” came out of my mouth, it hit me, very, very, very.. VERY hard.

Why. Why must someone need to fight back? Why am I even doing this? Why do I think this will change anything? I mean, through all my therapy and self-realization I do know the answers here.. but I think my “why” is more like.. Why is that emotion still inside me?

I thought I got rid of it. I thought I had come to a point of clarity, using a LOT of practice I might add, in letting things go. Letting the hurt and painful emotions go. I keep ignoring those calls from the past.. why do they keep calling?!

The worst is that I am hardest on myself. Because just as I talked about this yesterday with a wonderful person.. the only thing I can control is myself.. what I do, and more specifically what I put or don’t put in my body. So let’s play What Year is it?! And let’s go back to 1999 and stop eating! Because I can control that. Now I understand I need to consume nutrients in order to function, so I do take care of that in a sense, so I don’t pass out. And please no one yell at me, because I also KNOW this is not healthy by any means, and I will eventually find myself in trouble. If you come at me trying to feed me, I’ll punch you in the throat. (Do we need to revisit my “fighting” issues? lol) I am just sharing a story that I’m sure many can relate to in some form or fashion. And really for me, and again, I KNOW this isn’t a great remedy, but if I “punish” myself, I can hurt no one else.

For those who know me, know I am a kind, giving, loving, positive even! person by nature. So many people are shocked when they find out I go to therapy because they have no clue the trauma I had to deal with to just get to this point.

So anyway, to not spiral too deep, I will say this: Thank you to those who are patient with me. Thank you to those who understand (or at least try to) my pain and can help talk me through things. Thank you to those for just reading this and seeing me as a person who is just trying to live their best life and not just post all that is wonderful. Although, I could totally post about Kate & Pete foreverrrrrr ❤ lol

the-people-who-are-meant-to-be-in-your-life-31911749

Thank you, and thank you to those who are going through this too because you are not alone, you are strong, and you help me too when I read your stories..

 

Everyday is a new day.

Cheers, xoxo

 

 

 

let’s be honest.. (another mash-up)

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I started this in 2015.. and I believe I know where this was coming from, and where it may have been going, so I’m just gonna leave this right here to post since it’s been sitting in drafts for 3 years lol. Also, I found it rather interesting I was writing about my thoughts on doing what I’m “supposed” to do, especially to see where I am recently – I’ve been evolving for years! 🙂

_________________________________________________________________

(Nov 2015)

What is it about patience that is so difficult?

I mean I’ve given a lot of my time.. A lot. A lot of effort.. A whole lot.

Iv’e given a lot of energy, and love, and commitment.. Omg, SO MUCH of those.

Is that what it is? That with patience.. you just never know how much longer you’re “supposed” to wait..

But.. If you’re reading this and know anything about me, you know I don’t believe in things you are “supposed” to do.

Which brings me to another point – I feel like thats what I’ve been doing.

UGH. I’m tired.

I’m tired of feeling invaluable.

I think about how I’ve dealt with things in the past. At least from my own view, I’m not proud of those moments.

I feel like I’ve finally come to a point where I have made proper decisions based on what has been handed to me.

I’ve stayed, as others would say, mature.. Lol

_________________________________________________________________

(Aug 2018)

Just based on where I am now, I’m going to make a pretty good assumption that I was tired of living based on what I was “supposed” to do, expectation, and settling. On top of that, I wish I had time to elaborate on the patience question. That will have to wait for another post.

But in a quick note, I know from where I was then, and where I am now, I have learned patience is not easy. It takes practice, hope, and understanding. And patience is not so much the aspect of “waiting” as it is mentally and emotionally preparing for what’s to come. On top of that, patience also reminds us of our journey. Life will always happen when it’s good and ready to happen to us, because our journey is ours, on our own separate timeline.

Remember to focus on your journey, not others’ journeys, or where some people may want you to go. Practice patience, or at least mental and emotional preparation for what is meant for you.

 

❤

one wing out

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I haven’t been this happy in a while ❤

Despite my childhood trauma, or maybe because of it, I’ve always been a late bloomer. I wasn’t a typical High-Schooler, I never partied and I was engaged before I gave away my v-card. I was 21 and divorced when I finally started to do what “normal” people did my age – which then created a downfall of mistakes I fell into until I was 27. That year, I was pretty much reborn after meeting the person who I believe saved my life. I had lost years, and have been trying to catch back up ever since.

Because, for as long as I can remember, I have been placed in a box. This little space of what people assume I am or expect me to be. Assumptions or judgements of the type of person I am based on a number of factors that say little about me. My past, my grades, my occupation, my age, my eating habits, my wardrobe, my music choices, my dating history.. I can go on.. Little did/do people know about the black hole of what is actually me. The few who know me well, know I have never believed in societal expectations. Yet these expectations I allowed myself to follow, forced me into many situations and “lives” that never held my truth. Maybe that’s why I snapped at 21. I did everything I was “supposed” to do. I followed society’s rules. I tucked my past away and I excelled. I was on honor roll, I got married, went to college, and even got searched out by a few schools to play volleyball. What no one saw, however, was how much I hated myself from the ages of 13, to 27. No one saw I was living a complete and utter lie. I was living in accordance to the “rules of the road” with the idea that this would be the way for my past never to repeat itself. Except, that in itself is also a lie.

“All great changes are preceded by chaos.” -Deepak Chopra

One of my favorite quotes, and it has never been more true than as of late. So many wild things have been happening – lots of good, lots of bad.. Weeks, months even.. of thought, anxiety, depression, loss. Being part of big changes, and contemplating exciting changes of my own.

And I came to a conclusion that I’m tired of living how others believe I am, or should be for that matter. I’m tired of being complacent out of fear of my past. Truth is hard to come by these days, and the people I admire the most are not necessarily philanthropic, but they live their truth, and choose to see all aspects of life as opportunity and not obstacles.

I guess for me recently, after experiencing some very large changes, I realized that it’s time for me to live my truth. I am not my age, I am not my job, and if you want to get technical, I’m not even my name – it’s just what I am called.

I am so very tired of living based on the year I was born and what I do for a living. I am not the children I don’t have and the marriage I may never want again. I am not what I wear (although I do dress based on my mood, lol). I am not the house I don’t own or the uncertainty of my career. What I am, however, is honest. I am emotional. I give too much of myself, too soon. I love without boundaries, care too much, and give without expectation. I am a lover of the ocean, sunrises and sunsets.. flowers, and ice cream. If I could rip my brain out of my head I would, because I believe that the heart carries more truth than the mind. I am not what you see, but I am the story my eyes tell. I am not broken, just breaking free, and I finally have one wing out.

Dean_Jackson_butterfly_quote_

Don’t let outside judgements hold you back from yourself. Live your truth, my friends.

❤

can I use expletives?

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Because I would love to.

I had a conversation with a co-worker just the other day, and almost blogged at that very moment. We were talking about the many “changes” I am going through, “updates” if you will. And he asked, “Why do you care so much about what other people think?!” (It was more a stern statement, like, “Kara, WTF”) Because I have kept most a secret.. hence all my phases and reveals lol. This in turn made me think of my most favorite quote:

IMG_5513

I know I’ve posted this before, and talked about it, but it is all too relevant. Because yes, this is why I keep things to myself sometimes – People ruin beautiful things.

And by “ruin beautiful things”, our conversation continued into the terrible-ness of society and how if we walked into the mall at that very moment in our suits, we would be treated WAY differently than our weekend clothes. We are judged. All The Time. This co-worker also owns a home, and when he first moved, he received questions from his neighbors of: “Oh who owns this property? Or blatant “Are you renting?” Low and behold the shocked faces when he states he owns it. Even worse, when they ask what he does for a living and he answers.. their expressions turn into “ooohhhh ok, makes sense.” MAKES SENSE?!

I rent, and I am 8 years older than said co-worker (but look 10 years younger, lol). So my question is, why is it that a 20-something yr old can’t own a home without having to explain how, or why? Why can’t people just understand that there are 20yr olds who started saving at 16 or even 45yr olds who may never be able to afford owning property at all?! You realize there are 7.5 BILLION people in this world. Another twist! I’ll bet you right now, you find millions 30yr old divorcee’s with NO CHILDREN. And more so millions of 18-20yr olds married with kids. So why does the “average” person make assumptions and judgements based on looks/age?

Why must we always have to explain ourselves? And why are there SO MANY discriminatory ideas of age!? I understand there are laws of the land, but these societal judgements have nothing to do with laws.. but more so media. It has been engrained in our minds that life is only “good” a certain way. Even these millennial/gen Z-ers who have coined the phrase “living my best life.” Are you though? Or are you just trying to blend in with the sheep?

People are so concerned with – Status-Quo – that they forget there are souls in each and every one of us. To use myself as an example, I look about about 10+ years younger than my actual age. Judgements against me go two ways:

  1. People are fascinated by the fact I look absurdly younger than my actual age. They see this as endearing, and that I take care of myself. I am also a fountain of knowledge, so until they realize my actual age, I’m just making 20yr olds look good lol. Also, I’ve only ever dated 2 guys older than me.
  2. I’ll be adulting.. like when I was buying a car, I was being treated like the 21yr old I look like. I had to be one of those people who are like.. LISTEN. I’M XX YEARS OLD. DON’T BS ME. Then attitudes change quick. From my job, to my age, attitudes always seem to change, for better or worse.

This is why I keep things to myself, because I’m tired of society judging me. I’m doing some things that, “don’t make sense”. Well hey, wanna know what’s better than Society’s Opinion?! MINE.

Honestly though, I feel bad for people who are actually in their 20s – I work with a lot of them. Because I can at least verify myself as NOT being one of them, to provide the “perception” that I’m not an idiot? Seriously.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!

Not that any of my words will change any of you reading this, but can we just take a step back every once in a while? Can we just see people for WHO THEY ARE?

For what their eyes say?

What their hearts feel?

What dreams they have, and values they hold on to?

Their actions?

I get we are in an electronic age, but lets start opening books again based on the story and words within the pages.. not the cover.

Remember what happens when we assume..?

 

❤

 

 

 

a whole bunch of nonsense

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I feel so inclined to vent today.. It’s been one shit week let me tell ya.

But as angry, hurt, frustrated, just overly emotional as I am, today was an eye opener. I don’t really talk about what is going on with me unless people ask. I have this assumption (or should I say expectation?) that if someone wanted to know something about me, they would ask, right? Just as I ask how people are doing on a daily basis.

side note: Why do I keep thinking people are like me!?

Anyway – I was chatting with a co-worker this morning and he opened up about some personal struggles he was facing. I provided my support, and shared that it’s a very interesting time, because I have recently been experiencing some similarities with others I know. Very large personal changes happening, and none are on the side of positive at the moment.

As he continued to explain, I had a moment of gratitude.. That realization, which I try and remind myself often, is that there are worse things happening out there in the world than my own “problems”. And although this idea still causes anxiety and depression – because I think I can handle ANYTHING I tell ya! – it was still rather fascinating to me that life just never stops.

No matter what is happening – happiness, vacations, sadness, losing your job – whatever it may be, life is always just happening for others. I had this huge bout of anxiety a few weeks back because something was happening to everyone around me. New jobs, new apartments, babies, new relationships, you name it. Generally speaking, it was all good things at that time. And I wondered, “why am I stagnant?!” But I realize now, maybe it wasn’t stagnation, maybe I was just in preparation mode. Maybe it’s true,

all great changes

That’s it – for me it was internal chaos, but chaos nonetheless. And not to say I’ve got all things figured out, but I have definitely been doing things now, that I should have been doing weeks, if not, months ago.

In thinking about all that was happening with people around me, my focus shifted. I then finally realized where my anxiety stems from. People. Lol.. more so, I’m afraid to lose people. Most of you know relationships are important to me. But there always comes a time in all my relationships, especially friendships, where I start “expecting” things. And by “things” I mean behaviors. Again, I assume people are like me, or I assume the Golden Rule holds true.

The problem, as we know, is if everyone were doctors, we would have no firemen. So I don’t know why I begin to expect that people just turn into me with all my goodness and giving. They aren’t me. So what ends up happening, and hysterically enough this has happened to all my very best and closest friends, is that I feel like I’m losing them somehow. Because they aren’t “caring” about me as much as I care about them while life is happening to them.

As I was sitting here sipping my latte, I realized – In almost all my closest friendships there has come a point where I questioned the loyalty of said friend. I would get upset because they were not treating me, as I do them. And as we know, I’m a little extreme – I love without boundaries and give without cause. And in each of these friendships, I’ve pushed to the point of a sort-of exile – where I, in a sense, remove this person from my peripheral, thinking this will fix whatever underlying issue there is.

After hiding, (like with one friend, we stopped speaking almost 2 years) if all is meant to be, we usually find ourselves back, talk it out, and create an even stronger bond. And literally this has happened to all 4 of my closest friends. But why? Why did each friendship have to be “tested”?

expectation

The reality is, that things are happening all around us, to everyone around us, all the time. Change is inevitable, but that doesn’t mean your people have to, or will change. I also need to continuously remind myself that I am not like other people. I will always care more. But for some reason, I thought it was easier to shut people out than care sometimes, thinking this would ease the pain of potential “loss”. Though clearly it’s not the best route to show that you do care.. oops. I’m just glad that the handful of people I have kept, chose to keep me too. I’m worth it, I swear! 🙂

However, the one thing I need to work on are these “expectations”. I hate expectations! So I wonder why I have them with the people I care most about? This is definitely something I never came to terms with until now, which to me, is surprising. I guess better late then never.

So if I’ve ever kicked you down or become overly emotional because of my un-met needs, I apologize. I am the only person who can meet my needs, so I have to understand and trust to utilize my people for their strengths, just as they use me for mine. xoxo

#rantover

❤

stop listening

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

You know that saying:

ears

Yah, yah – we need to listen more than we talk.. and this is interesting really.. because it is a valid point to this post. I was going to dive into the idea that we need to STOP listening to others so much, and more of ourselves.. but this is a great point to note that people also need to STOP talking so much too.

mouthclosed

I guess with one truly comes the other.

I learned recently during what I like to call another “episode” of the Darkest of Times, and what a friend calls a “spring-crisis”, (or whatever season this seems to happen on) that for as much as I preach to myself to.. well.. listen to myself, I tend to take what others say more into consideration. And I’m not saying a second opinion isn’t worth it, but why are we always looking for that second opinion at all? Or worse, why are people giving us second opinions when we don’t want them? I know that when people care, they challenge us, to make us think outside ourselves or from a different perspective. And of course, I’m not saying that challenging an idea isn’t helpful either, but the people in our lives are supposed to support us. << Was that enough emphasis there? Lol.

And I understand that in supporting each other, we also need to challenge each other, however, many times we don’t realize, that sometimes people just need support. And to be listened to.

That’s it.

Sometimes an opinion is not what anyone is looking for. Many times, we already know the answer. Whether or not we want to act on those answers is another story.. but the point is, we know ourselves better than most. There may be a handful of people that border on “osmosis-through-the-brain” and may see things that we may have overlooked, but in the end, if we all sit in a dark room alone, we know or feel our truth.

I’m a feeler as we know (however creepy that may sound, lol) so the one thing I realized the past two weeks is that people kept providing me with logical answers. Answers from the brain, if you will. I’m not against my brain, but in my experience, when I have lived through my emotions vs my brain, I always end up happier.

My life-answers are always from the heart. My brain is only useful during actual logical situations.. like driving, following the rules of the road, work, professionalism, math, science. You get my drift. But at any time that matters of life are involved, for me, there is no truer way to live other than from your heart. Your instincts never let you down, even if you fall on your face. I’ve asked guys out, I’ve moved across the country, I’ve quit jobs, gone on last-minute road trips or flights to nowhere. So many of these emotion-driven decisions that resulted in some anxiety and stress, lol BUT ALSO c r a z y,  wonderful times ❤

And the crazy-wonderful is what I live for. I clearly have always figured it out. I can still feed myself, pay my rent, and clothe myself. But somewhere in the last two weeks, I thought it was better to use my brain than my heart. Sadly, and I guess, OBVI – it did not make me happy. I’m a giver, I’m a helper, I’m the worlds biggest supporter. I NEED to be there for people, even if they aren’t there for me. Does that make me crazy? I say no. It just makes the other people look bad. boom.

Long story, short. Stop listening.

Stop listening to the outside noises. Stop listening to your friends, your family, your co-workers. Yes, they are trying to help, and yes you can consider those ideas, but in the end, you are going to do whatever it is you will do anyway. So long as you accept those consequences – which I love, because that means I own my life – then live your best life for you.. and your heart.. and leave your brain on the kitchen table every now and then.

listentoyourheart

❤

 

i’m not easy

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Today I experienced first hand the idea that :

“It is easy to hate and difficult to love.” -Confucious

Love takes energy, time, patience, and work. With that:

“It’s a lot easier to be mad, then admit you are hurt.” – Anon.

Because again, to admit fault or hurt, takes energy.. work. We are all defensive in a way in order to protect our emotions, our pride. But what we forget is the capacity, even in all  the frustration, to maintain happiness.

There needs to be a constant reminder, that in the end, it is only ourselves who can make us happy. I’m going to assume most people have seen this video:

 

“..not coming to each other begging with our empty cups out, demanding that [you] fill my cup, and demanding that [you] meet my needs – it’s unfair and it’s kind of unrealistic and can be destructive to place the responsibility of your happiness on anybody other than yourself.”

I fell upon this video by accident, but the last few seconds really hit home, especially recently. I am one of, I’m sure many, who have been victim to allowing others to determine my happiness. I would get upset when others would “steal my happiness” because I never understood why anyone would take away, or try to, remove happiness from anyone. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure right? So let it be. But now I see a little clearer that those people who try and “take away” any kind of energy are just lacking in themselves. And this is not to say these people are terrible people, but it’s just a terrible cycle of emotion, holding pride, and building walls out of fear of feeling anything.

“If you are willing to look at another person’s behavior toward you as a reflection of the state of their relationship with themselves, rather than a statement about your value as a person, then you will, over a period of time, cease to react at all.” -Yogi Bhajan

YES.

Again, just another fantastic point that how people treat you, is almost never a reflection of you as a person, but in how they see themselves. This is a little sad to me, because I would always hope that we all have a level of wonderment towards ourselves. However, as many know, deep down most of us have.. issues, if you will. From self-esteem to self-awareness.

It’s in moments like these why I always end up hurting because, I am not easy. I love, Love. I like to work hard and show emotion. I choose patience over anger. I choose happiness.

❤

 

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~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

(quote disclaimer – there are a few in this post. lol)

Why am I always available?

And by available, it’s more of a “making time” situation. The small amount of people I actually like, when any of them need me, I am always “available”.

calendarfriend

This ^^ I am the friend who never consults a calendar. Because people are more important than calendars. Time is only meaningful when you spend it properly. But why is it, that it’s only me who lives this way? I have wonderful, wonderful friends. People that, I don’t know how I could live without. People who have added value, meaning, or even just good company. Yet these same people never seem to be available when I need them. I either get no responses, or the usual “I’m busy.” But turn this around, and I am changing plans, picking up my phone, and getting the next possible second to give to these people. And I’m sure there’s a few of you who question: Who are these terrible friends? Or want to comment plainly: Find new friends.

Trust me, I have questioned and commented a few times to myself. And the hilarious part about this is, these same people wonder why I eventually lose it and sort of explode emotionally. And THEN it’s all: “What happened? Why are you so emotional? I’m sorry, I don’t understand.” I don’t want sorry – what I needed, was someone a week ago to talk things out with, you know, sort of what I do in return?! So that moments like this, don’t happen.

And to be honest, I have been told my friend “expectations” are a little high. The thing is, I don’t expect anything. It’s more an assumption (which I guess is just as bad) that the Golden Rule exists with people who matter most to you: Treat others as you want to be treated.

If I treated some people the way they treat me, i.e. as the rule states, how they “want” to be treated, I’d have no friends.

2744215-Jewel-Quote-Excuse-me-guess-I-ve-mistaken-you-for-somebody-else

Is that it maybe? I treat people assuming they are like me and can give me the same in return. But that’s why I am me, and you are you. So maybe that’s an expectation? I’m breaking my own rules. I do have to be better with understanding that people are not like me, and that’s what makes me wonderful. But at the same time, it’s a struggle emotionally to feel as loved as I make others feel.

weseethemasweare

And there it is, closure to this post. In the end, we see things the way we are. We see people how we want to see them. And we need to remember that reality is better than expectation.. or assumption even. And when we accept things as they are, it leads to better relationships and understanding all around.

I know I shouldn’t see people as I am, and this is why I’m still friends with people who don’t give me all that I need. At the same time, it leads me on a mission to find someone who can give me what I give in return. Is my emotional dopplegänger out there?! I don’t want to believe that I am the only giver-without-expectation person in the world. There must be more.. or we really do have a lot to worry about in the future.

❤

it’s MY anniversaryyy – as sang by Tony Toni Tone.. hehe

~ NewBeginnings ~ 1 Comment

Anniversary of my awesome birth, that is! 🙂

I have been sad because I have not had much “time” to blog as I would like. Work has been insane and I’m trying my darnedest to focus on a 10k I’m running in May. But I can never go a year without expressing my love, gratitude and some terrible opinions when my Birthday rolls around! Lol

Topic for this years Birthday post is: “Nevertheless, She Persisted” which I’m borrowing from the theme of the 10k I’m running! (It’s a womens run)

I have been overly grateful lately, due to many events that have happened which force me to realize where I have been and where I am now. Iv’e had many a person make statements relating to how they view my life:

I’m spoiled.

All I do is brunch and drink

I’m a snob because I live walking distance to a beautiful ocean

I have a perfect life

Ok, let me explain, I am spoiled. Lol – not out of chance, however, which I feel people forget.. But I spoil MYSELF from working my ass off on a weekly basis, into the evening even – just to have the things I have. I have debt people, and I still have bills to pay. It’s called budgeting.

I only brunch on the weekends, relax. 😉 And red wine is good for – life. Anyway – who the eff cares?! You wanna brunch?! Go effing brunch! I don’t quite understand how/why brunching and wine drinking are effecting the masses not actively involved in my life. And yes, I’m a relative food snob. I have learned what good food tastes like, and how it effects mood and your body as a whole. So yes, I prefer to eat, drink, and enjoy as best as I can afford.

Call me a snob all you want, but It’s not like I was just granted this life, like *poof!* here ya go Kara! ALL YOURS! Love, God. Nope, doesn’t work like that. As many know, I moved to SoCal with 3k, no job, no home, blah, blah, nothing. So to all of a sudden be a snob because I got a job that allows me to rent a studio – yes, I live in a studio by the water – means nothing. I know how to do math, and I wanted to live by the water.. so I get a studio, do laundry at a laundromat, and live the best bad-ass life with what I have. Did the universe or the Lord have something to do with my blessings? Maybe, but there is nothing in this world that is ever handed to us without effort.

And no. There is no perfect life.. we all know this. So why would you say this to anyone!? There are millions of things we don’t know about anyone’s life. Mine in particular, from abuse (in multiple forms), to anxiety, eating disorders, and depression. I was a broken and desperate person until I was about 26. I was lucky to have enough hope and love in myself to not turn into a drug-addicted stripper in Vegas.. Because that thought did cross my mind at one point.

So going into this new year.. at my very young age.. LOL, I am proud to look back and see that I never once allowed myself to be called a “victim” of anything. Whether it be my abuse, or of circumstance. I have never believed in “blaming” life on anything, or anyone. Or making excuses for who I am. I’ve made mistakes, more than I would like to admit, but every day is a New Beginning. The only person to be better than is yourself. Many people hate when I say that.. mainly because excuses and blame are an easy fix. “I have anxiety”, “I was abused”, “I have issues”. I know many wonderful people who have issues (lol, I mean who doesn’t!?) – who have anxiety, depression.. and they still wake up every morning with a mission to create – whether it be art, music, or their life ❤

This life is our choice. We choose our happiness, and if we are lucky enough for some great moments to fall in our laps, even better. But still.. if someone puts a cute puppy on your lap, it’s still a choice of whether you’re going to pet it or not. Hence, just like the outside assumptions of my life, nothing is just given. We still need to do something with what’s provided to us.

I-am-not-what-happened-to-me-I-am-what-I-choose-to-become.

So for my Birthday, I wish you all health, wealth, happiness, and more importantly, love. As much as I hate Valentine’s Day – I love LOVE! Because love in it’s pure form is a verb. An action word. You must love to be loved. And in my life, I kept choosing love. To love myself, to love my life. It was all I had sometimes to allow myself to wake up another day ❤

Cheers!