Category: relationships

Go.

~ NewBeginnings ~ 5 Comments

I have at least 3 posts waiting to be finished.. I had so many ideas before I up and moved cross-country, and unfortunately it’s only been a few days.. so I haven’t found anything to call home yet where I can let my thoughts finish. I’ve barely found a Starbucks I like! But through the past few days, and even the days leading up to my departure from New England, I have been pulling at strings inside me only to try and cut some loose. Whether it be a failed test, a lost game, a relationship, a fight, or even moving, we have trouble accepting loss.. sometimes we think of it as failure.

The hardest thing in life is letting something go. Even through all the cliches of “everything happens for a reason”, we still take to heart moments that we should not hold on to. Maybe I should clarify.. it’s not that we should or shouldn’t hold on to these emotions, but many times we sit around and ‘wait’ for that second chance. We hope for someone to come back to us, or for karma to come ‘full circle’. We forget that letting go allows us to make a change or find something better, or makes us better. It allows us to learn. I, for example, have learned that sometimes there are no second chances. You can’t replay a game, and you can’t always re-take a test. And when it comes to relationships, we have to remember that yes, people come into our lives for a reason, but “God often removes people from your life for a reason, think before chasing after them.” -@coffee&cocktails. Do you know how many ex-boyfriends I thought were coming back?! Almost all of them. And how many did?  ___ this many.

Whether its friendships or partnerships, everyone has an expiration date in our lives. This sounds terrible I know, because some DO stand the test of time, but some are just longer than others, some are only for a day, some are only meant to bump into you on the subway and comment on the color of your shirt.. because that 3 seconds made your bad day better.. and some, only some, like library books, can be borrowed again when needed. One of my bestest friends was out of my life for about 4 years. We both never ‘chased’ each other, or fought to understand why we stopped speaking. What we both did, however, was let each other go. And its not that we banished each other from our lives, or were pompous jerks who snubbed each other, we just understood that there was a reason we stopped talking. We both learned a lot about ourselves, and not to sound super lame, but at the most perfect time, we found each other again. Even after so many years of being out of each others lives, one thing never changed, we still understood each other. We talked through the past.. and although it didn’t make sense 4 years ago, it all made sense now. This is one of few scenarios where that letting-someone-you-love-go-and-they-come-back-and-all-that-jazz.. rang true. The moment you let go of something or someone is the very moment everything makes sense. You become who you are again, and sometimes you realize that the something or someone you were stuck to, wasn’t even worth it at all. You are able to see everything from the outside. And sometimes, you even understand what it feels like to be on the other side. An example that this friend explained to me was.. “I was thinking, if I was just walking down the street and I didn’t know you at all, would I still want to talk to you or ask you for directions? As a stranger? Would you be someone I would want to talk to? ..And I answered YES.” After that conversation, I could name a few people that I would still want to talk to, but I also could name a few I wouldn’t want to talk to.. even as strangers.. and it made me realize again the glory of letting those people go.

“Sometimes you have to realize some people can stay in your heart, but not in your life.” -@iamprincekash

Because some people and some moments aren’t meant to be in your life forever. No matter how long they have been there already, we all know the past does not create the future. The past can’t ever change, but the future always will. So, of all the heartache, tears, and emotional turmoil.. all the scenarios I made in my head with ex-boyfriends.. (Ive been making rom com’s for years apparently!), all the old friends, and bad days at work.. If I had held on to every emotion.. every moment.. I would have never made a life for myself in New England. I would have never made the friends I have today. I would have been stuck in a terrible, emotionally damaging, relationship. I would still be crying driving on my way to work. I would still be fighting with friends who make bad decisions then question why bad things happen to them. With letting something go, even if its as small as a bad day, it allows you to see what is in front of you, and to show you that even the simplest of things, that are right in front of your face, can be amazing. It shows you the friends who stand by your side, the life you can create from the unknown, the crush who can turn into something more, and the endless possibilities of what fate has to offer.

We only only have one life. We only get one. Once chance. There are no second chances when it comes to life, so why would we ever assume that there are second chances IN life. YOLO all you want, but if you don’t stand by the idea, you weigh yourself down. Every day is a new beginning and with that should be finding something new to let go of. Think about what weighs you down, what lies heavy on your heart. Cut one more string. You’ll be able to breathe a little easier.

If I had stayed a miserable 13yr old who didn’t want to make friends, would I have ever become the crazy-confident-self-loving girl who thought moving back to CA would be a great idea?! Without cutting a few strings, I may have never taken a step forward. So here’s to you New England, as I pour out some champagne for you, know that I will never forget you.. and as days go on, I might pull another string off.. no worries though, because if I love some of you enough, you’ll come back right? Or does that mean I’ll go back..?

“Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. Maybe you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be.” -S&TC

 

live your life.. love your job..

~ NewBeginnings ~ 2 Comments

This continues my adult-yearbook-will.. and this one is for you girls.

I honestly cannot believe this day is finally here. I never thought I’d see it come. The Aerie chapter of my life is finishing today.

To Natasha, Kristina, Hayley, Shannyn, and Leah.. the originals. To ‘talk with an accent day’. Or was it just talking like pirates? Or leprechauns? The candy drawer, and gossip in the stockroom. To dance parties and tank and undie sets.. and how everything was SUPER CUTE! when it came in. To Leah’s car that couldn’t drive fast because it was new.. what?! And Hayley and Kristina, who kept in touch and celebrated my 30th!! You ladies started the Aerie adventure, and I hope I end mine with swiping the undie table to the floor. ♥

To the ones who came and went, but that made an impact all the same.. Ill always remember how much Mish loved Ksoby and how amazing she was at bras.. And Tawn, Mish’s right-hand-man in the stockroom.. me and your dad were bffls.. we should play volleyball. Ames, I will never forget how great you were at swiffering, and how much you loved it when I told other managers how good you were at finger-spacing too 😉 Your family is my favorite and it makes me so happy that you are doing well. Malisa, you motivated my spiritual side and were always so kind-hearted. You made me want to be a better person. Andie, who said it best during one of the worst working years of my life “I think we all saved eachother a little bit today.” We did save each other.. and through it all we stood by each other. Kimberly, the BEST.MINOR.EVER. Even Nicole.. I told you this was going to be the best month of your life! We enjoyed it together 🙂

To the ones who stayed strong and survived through the best times and the worst, when we were failing, succeeding, or when me and Mish worked 14hr days with no breaks. We did it together, and we sure as hell had a great time.. especially at Chilis.. kind of 😉 We talked about baristas, boyfriends, stalkers, and creeps. We had cookie-cakes. There were life lessons being made. Al.. Ms “Hi, I’m Allie, Ive worked here since we opened..” Who never ceases to amaze me with stories, and gossip.. and whatever it was you did at camp.. thats probably where I get the gossiping from.. To proms, signs, graduations, KEN, Mrs Fields, and relationships.. I hope you learned to speak with your words, and how to become an MTV star. Dani G. you were the best at MAN DOWN!! procedures and there is nothing better than a conversation with you.. what the future holds, and wait, more relationship talk.. Naysh, I pretty much watched you grow up, and like Allie, I was your other mother.. hope Lisa doesn’t find your stash of drews.. Bri, the most fashionable one on staff.. and Moira who makes a blazer look good on anything. Landry, thank goodness for you, or Stef would go crazy.. shes going crazy now.. and thank you for working insane hours.. and asking for it? And duct tape.. we can never forget the duct tape. J’aimie, you’ve been there longer than all of us! Thank you for being my work confidante when things were frustrating or just changing on us.. and helping with all my Apple questions.. obvi. Peterman, I laugh just thinking about working with.you.every.shift especially all the closes and disney singing, and our candle-lit power outage.. and of course, all the relationship conversations.. are we seeing a trend here?! And making sure you didnt become a statistic. Julia.. Smokes. Hahaha best place ever, and I’m glad I wasn’t the only one who thought so. Thank you for telling me I’ve still got game.. hahaha. Cayt, thank you for loving trees 🙂 The saddest moment of my life will be when I start my new job and realize there is no one I can create a ROM COM with.. because no one has ideas as good as we come up with. Alanna.. my favorite artist.. the best relationship and life conversations come out of our closes.. I realized.. we ARE a rom com! Strange how much we have in common.. even all the amazing music from 2005! And, of course, Rivetts.. my human diary.. you know more about me than most people ever want to. We have our own personal book club discussions over Glee, New Girl, The Office.. and face rubbing. You’re my very own personal assistant. I would never have enough coffee in my day if it wasnt for you, and you pretty much kept me from going crazy. Thanks for quitting on me while I was on vacation, and thank you for being the.best.waitress.ever. Now get me a pancake.. and a coffee ♥

And now for the finale..

From the beginning, it has been quite an adventure. And there is one person who I shared it with all the way to today.. MISH! 🙂 My peer, my friend, my manager.. you and I both know that I do not know what I would have done without you these past 4 years. From teaching me how to close, to wedding planning and bridal showers. Bachelorettes and pole dancing.. Weddings and amateur parties, laughing, crying, complaining, and all the tequila I should have drank the year before you came back. All the advice I called you for and Twilight talks.. when I finally read/watched it! Cheesecakes and cookie-cakes.. meatball subs.. and doritos.. and coke.. and chips and dip! We are BOTH always eating! We ran this store from the start, and will run it together until 5:30p. I learned so much from you in regards to management, and even more through friendship.. because we all know what kind of friend I am.. waste.of.my.time! You always had more patience, even though most people never saw it. I love you and miss you already.. I will never work with someone who I can yell at without shame ever again.. Thank you for everything through the good and bad.. and all the undies in between ♥

You girls are the reasons why I stayed as long as I did.. most people would never deal with the crap I have gone through at this job, and many managers haven’t.. so I thank all of you for your support and for giving me a sense of sanity. I will miss the laughs, the stock room gossip, the undie tables, bra hangers, conference calls, schedule making, being mini mall-cops, and every moment I had with each of you. Now someone get me some gin and a new ROM COM story..♥

“We make more in life lessons at aerie than dollars..” Dani G.

PSA

~ NewBeginnings ~ 1 Comment

reason #3895 why having a blog is great:

You can vent about anything to the general public knowing only a handful of people know what you are talking about, then receive unsolicited constructive criticism, advice, and sometimes even appreciation for discussing everyday angst.

And now I present to you, my vent of the week:

First and foremost, I would like to apologize because I feel it was because of my ignorance that this had to happen to me, however, in situations that are similar, I do not do this type of behavior because I feel I’m socially aware of people’s personal space.

What I did wrong was update my relationship status on facebook. As normal as this sounds, I actually did NOT want it to be public so I deleted it off my feed on my personal page. Unfortunately, I did not realize that in doing so, it does not delete it off the regular news feed as well. As much as I love my facebook community, old and new friends.. I have my own group of close friends who I talk to everyday.. you know, like most people.

So, in a public service-style announcement, I would like to say.. the answer is.. NO. No, I don’t need anyone to talk to because I have friends who I have talked to already. No, I don’t want to hang out. No, I don’t want to explain anything to anyone because frankly, it’s none of anyone business unless I say it is. No, I don’t need all this random attention just because I’m single. I’m single NOT lonely, or depressed, or incapable of living everyday life. No, I don’t need help. So enough with all the messages and allow me to be the celebrity who enjoys their privacy.

And, if you are really concerned, the only attention I would like at this time is one from a knight in shining armor, approx 6″1′, preferably with a swimmer-esque build, no chest hair, and in his mid-late 20s. (we all know how much of a cougar I am). I also don’t like horses, so if you can be a sort of Chris Hemsworth-style knight who just runs around mostly, and can let the horse be, that would be awesome. A wine offering would also be accepted, again, only if you are what is described above. That’s it. I hope this helps.

Thank you for your time.

hello there, it’s nice to see me again.

~ NewBeginnings ~ 12 Comments

I am back. In more ways than one.

I took a mini hiatus from my blog. And although I was not nearly as generous in explanation as fellow blogger and writing superstar Jodi Ambrose was when she took a little break, 😉 I, myself was in hiding nonetheless. A lot has ensued over the past week or two.. or three even, and I have many drafts floating around that now make no sense to me. I was having a personal struggle, one that only few people knew about. This struggle of mine, has also brought ME back.

I was waiting and waiting to write a new post. Racking my brain on how and what I was going to say or explain about my situation. I had a lot of “I’ve become that person I criticize” moments. So many times did I want to spew out all my issues and try to release all the stresses building up. But honestly, not everyone needs to know my issues, not in specifics at least, and it was probably better that way. If I had blogged about it, the outcome would probably have been different. I would have felt that in expressing my emotions, it was enough to calm me down, and in the end I would not have pulled myself out of my hole.  As I have said many a time, my life is not terrible, and this situation is no different. There are plenty of worldly problems, cancers, diseases, and pain that take up people’s lives. For me, it was just a small moment of identity loss. But if this has ever happened to you, losing yourself is worse than losing your car keys.

For a few years, I was living a life that was rational and made sense. I had a great relationship, a job that pays bills, and amazing friends. Unfortunately, in all the rationality and sense that was being made, I was digging myself into a hole of self-doubt. I took a job I don’t like, and I gave up on myself and what made me happy. I was too busy focusing on making someone else happy. It’s no ones fault but my own, and knowing that was eating at me. Starting this blog was the beginning of me breaking free again, stepping outside the comfortable. My creative juices started to flow.. and I started to divulge into what was inside me. I thought about volleyball, I thought about coaching. I thought about martinis and running, and little black dresses. I thought about my family A LOT. I thought about home. I thought about my eccentricities that most people don’t understand with me, but that my friends love about me. I thought about being Posh. I thought about the expectations my parents had for me, and then I realized, my parents just expected me to be happy, and it was ME who was not living up to my OWN expectations.

I kept myself in a safe place. I moved along with societal expectations, got involved in “normal” to-do’s. My friends were starting to get married and they are now starting to have babies. The questions started popping up towards me, “So Kara, when will you.. ” So many times have I had to explain to people that marriage and kids, and houses and white picket fences, are not for me. This is hard for people to understand. Is it bad that I have a sense of ‘pride’ in being alone, single? And I’m not talking about being available here, but independent. The moment I realized I was not doing things for myself anymore, but rather for someone else, I started crumbling. The arguments of settling down and selfishness I know are out there, but if I don’t feel like I can stand on my own, how am I supposed to stand next to someone.. without them holding me up?

I’ve always had a stubborn independence in me. Call me crazy, but I’ve always seen myself in a ‘Melrose Place’ sort of complex, with a shared pool, meeting all my neighbors and having cocktails on our balconies. And when I retire, I see myself in FL with a whole lot of old people in a community having wine everyday at noon. Aside from all the alcohol, I see myself surrounded by people and being a part of a community. Like I mentioned, I don’t want to be alone, I just want to be me. I see myself visiting my nieces and nephews, seeing them on holidays, and being a role model. I see myself being successful at being unconventional. I see myself becoming a writer, a coach, a volleyball player again (most likely in an old people league, but playing nonetheless!). I see myself living by the ocean, making an impact to society, and changing people’s lives. I may not be able to change the world, but I can be the one positive influence in someone’s life that may change their perspective. Call me a dreamer, but I see these things.

I’ve always seen these things. Yet for some reason, I held them back the last few years. This past week however, after a text to a friend and a prayer, something happened. Those who know me will call it fate, but I had one of those “sometimes the-hardest-thing-and-the-right-thing-are-the-same-thing” moments. My mind was reeling, I could barely eat, my stress was through the roof, and I was making myself sick. But finally, after all the internal aching, it is over. I am free. I am ME.

I am not feeling good by any means where I am right now.. I feel like I lost my best friend. Yesterday was a miserable day. But now there is freedom to follow dreams and accomplish goals. Freedom to do better. Everyday that goes by is another new beginning. It will be hard, it IS hard, it will take time, and it will completely SUCK. But like all things, it will get better. I have to keep reminding myself of what I want.. That “life begins at the end of your comfort zone..”  and I can’t wait to get uncomfortable.

“It’s time to begin, isn’t it?
I get a little bit bigger, but then I’ll admit
I’m just the same as I was
Now don’t you understand
That I’m never changing who I am” ~Imagine Dragons