Category: relationships

people watching.

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

We all do it in some form or fashion.

One of my favorites is to find first dates, or even long-term couples – I guess just couples in general – so I can question intent. Lol – I know that sounds terrible, but if you have read any of my posts, you’ll know I’m fairly critical of relationships because 90% of people are in them for all the wrong reasons.

And mind you, I know a handful of people who actually love each other, care for each other, etc.. but those relationships don’t come by very often. Do I need to remind everyone about the divorce rate.. again?!

Anywhoo.. the next that are always interesting are 20-30yr women who are at brunch.. because you wanna know what they are talking about? Yup, their terrible relationships. Lol. And again, I have seen, and heard some wonderful couples, relationships, even some beautiful friendships. What we don’t realize however, is that we are so enamored by those one-off relationships or best-friend goals, that we accept all the others as “normal” conversations or scenarios.  Why? Why is mediocre ok? Why is mediocre considered normal or average?

When did this happen?!

We have one life.. ONE. So why are we constantly filling it with mediocre anything?! I get money sometimes plays a factor on things or experiences.. but money doesn’t necessarily affect the people you can surround yourself with.

So many people question how I know so many people, yet I do so many things alone. I choose only a select few people to keep close. A great way to explain why, is to also explain the people who complain about their “friends” and how mediocre they are, but yet they still choose to surround themselves with them. And I get that different groups of people serve different purposes – co-workers, family, gym “friends”, book club, etc.. But if you find yourself complaining about people and how they are, or what they do, why are you making a conscious decision to keep them close? What purpose is mediocre serving? I guess I sort of feel bad, maybe some people want to be mediocre? But WHY?! Must I remind you of this ONE LIFE?!

mediocre

Sheesh, anyway – I want to live my life like my absolute favorite person to watch: The one who is looking at their phone and smiling. Not just for a moment, but that perma-smile look, like it will never end. Like they are re-reading, re-watching, re-looking at whatever created that smile. I want to be that person creating those smiles. I want to only surround myself with people who put that smile on my face. This girl – I swear whatever she was looking at, not only made her day.. but created a memory. That smile. It was so wonderful, and I’m glad I got to see it in this sea of mediocre.

I mean, hell, it made MY DAY. I wanted to creepily snap her and comment that this was how I wanted every day to be, and that I hope whatever made her this happy never ends. It was all kinds of beautiful, innocent, and real.

So as y’all are out there watching others, be conscious of what side you are on: Mediocracy or Memory. One Life. Don’t be part of the “average” conversation. Majority of people already lie there.. thats why it’s called “average” not amazing. 

Be that person who creates those smile-memories, and keep close those who give you those same smiles. Maybe one day,  t r u e  love and happiness can be the new “norm”.

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❤

 

p.s. as I finished this, I got a txt back from one of my people.. and man do I love staring at my phone and laughing, and having people wonder what MY happiness is from. 🙂 part of it is bc i’m hilarious, lol, but more so, the response from one of few people who get me. love you, xoxo ❤

 

stop listening

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

You know that saying:

ears

Yah, yah – we need to listen more than we talk.. and this is interesting really.. because it is a valid point to this post. I was going to dive into the idea that we need to STOP listening to others so much, and more of ourselves.. but this is a great point to note that people also need to STOP talking so much too.

mouthclosed

I guess with one truly comes the other.

I learned recently during what I like to call another “episode” of the Darkest of Times, and what a friend calls a “spring-crisis”, (or whatever season this seems to happen on) that for as much as I preach to myself to.. well.. listen to myself, I tend to take what others say more into consideration. And I’m not saying a second opinion isn’t worth it, but why are we always looking for that second opinion at all? Or worse, why are people giving us second opinions when we don’t want them? I know that when people care, they challenge us, to make us think outside ourselves or from a different perspective. And of course, I’m not saying that challenging an idea isn’t helpful either, but the people in our lives are supposed to support us. << Was that enough emphasis there? Lol.

And I understand that in supporting each other, we also need to challenge each other, however, many times we don’t realize, that sometimes people just need support. And to be listened to.

That’s it.

Sometimes an opinion is not what anyone is looking for. Many times, we already know the answer. Whether or not we want to act on those answers is another story.. but the point is, we know ourselves better than most. There may be a handful of people that border on “osmosis-through-the-brain” and may see things that we may have overlooked, but in the end, if we all sit in a dark room alone, we know or feel our truth.

I’m a feeler as we know (however creepy that may sound, lol) so the one thing I realized the past two weeks is that people kept providing me with logical answers. Answers from the brain, if you will. I’m not against my brain, but in my experience, when I have lived through my emotions vs my brain, I always end up happier.

My life-answers are always from the heart. My brain is only useful during actual logical situations.. like driving, following the rules of the road, work, professionalism, math, science. You get my drift. But at any time that matters of life are involved, for me, there is no truer way to live other than from your heart. Your instincts never let you down, even if you fall on your face. I’ve asked guys out, I’ve moved across the country, I’ve quit jobs, gone on last-minute road trips or flights to nowhere. So many of these emotion-driven decisions that resulted in some anxiety and stress, lol BUT ALSO c r a z y,  wonderful times ❤

And the crazy-wonderful is what I live for. I clearly have always figured it out. I can still feed myself, pay my rent, and clothe myself. But somewhere in the last two weeks, I thought it was better to use my brain than my heart. Sadly, and I guess, OBVI – it did not make me happy. I’m a giver, I’m a helper, I’m the worlds biggest supporter. I NEED to be there for people, even if they aren’t there for me. Does that make me crazy? I say no. It just makes the other people look bad. boom.

Long story, short. Stop listening.

Stop listening to the outside noises. Stop listening to your friends, your family, your co-workers. Yes, they are trying to help, and yes you can consider those ideas, but in the end, you are going to do whatever it is you will do anyway. So long as you accept those consequences – which I love, because that means I own my life – then live your best life for you.. and your heart.. and leave your brain on the kitchen table every now and then.

listentoyourheart

❤

 

i’m not easy

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Today I experienced first hand the idea that :

“It is easy to hate and difficult to love.” -Confucious

Love takes energy, time, patience, and work. With that:

“It’s a lot easier to be mad, then admit you are hurt.” – Anon.

Because again, to admit fault or hurt, takes energy.. work. We are all defensive in a way in order to protect our emotions, our pride. But what we forget is the capacity, even in all  the frustration, to maintain happiness.

There needs to be a constant reminder, that in the end, it is only ourselves who can make us happy. I’m going to assume most people have seen this video:

 

“..not coming to each other begging with our empty cups out, demanding that [you] fill my cup, and demanding that [you] meet my needs – it’s unfair and it’s kind of unrealistic and can be destructive to place the responsibility of your happiness on anybody other than yourself.”

I fell upon this video by accident, but the last few seconds really hit home, especially recently. I am one of, I’m sure many, who have been victim to allowing others to determine my happiness. I would get upset when others would “steal my happiness” because I never understood why anyone would take away, or try to, remove happiness from anyone. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure right? So let it be. But now I see a little clearer that those people who try and “take away” any kind of energy are just lacking in themselves. And this is not to say these people are terrible people, but it’s just a terrible cycle of emotion, holding pride, and building walls out of fear of feeling anything.

“If you are willing to look at another person’s behavior toward you as a reflection of the state of their relationship with themselves, rather than a statement about your value as a person, then you will, over a period of time, cease to react at all.” -Yogi Bhajan

YES.

Again, just another fantastic point that how people treat you, is almost never a reflection of you as a person, but in how they see themselves. This is a little sad to me, because I would always hope that we all have a level of wonderment towards ourselves. However, as many know, deep down most of us have.. issues, if you will. From self-esteem to self-awareness.

It’s in moments like these why I always end up hurting because, I am not easy. I love, Love. I like to work hard and show emotion. I choose patience over anger. I choose happiness.

❤

 

available

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

(quote disclaimer – there are a few in this post. lol)

Why am I always available?

And by available, it’s more of a “making time” situation. The small amount of people I actually like, when any of them need me, I am always “available”.

calendarfriend

This ^^ I am the friend who never consults a calendar. Because people are more important than calendars. Time is only meaningful when you spend it properly. But why is it, that it’s only me who lives this way? I have wonderful, wonderful friends. People that, I don’t know how I could live without. People who have added value, meaning, or even just good company. Yet these same people never seem to be available when I need them. I either get no responses, or the usual “I’m busy.” But turn this around, and I am changing plans, picking up my phone, and getting the next possible second to give to these people. And I’m sure there’s a few of you who question: Who are these terrible friends? Or want to comment plainly: Find new friends.

Trust me, I have questioned and commented a few times to myself. And the hilarious part about this is, these same people wonder why I eventually lose it and sort of explode emotionally. And THEN it’s all: “What happened? Why are you so emotional? I’m sorry, I don’t understand.” I don’t want sorry – what I needed, was someone a week ago to talk things out with, you know, sort of what I do in return?! So that moments like this, don’t happen.

And to be honest, I have been told my friend “expectations” are a little high. The thing is, I don’t expect anything. It’s more an assumption (which I guess is just as bad) that the Golden Rule exists with people who matter most to you: Treat others as you want to be treated.

If I treated some people the way they treat me, i.e. as the rule states, how they “want” to be treated, I’d have no friends.

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Is that it maybe? I treat people assuming they are like me and can give me the same in return. But that’s why I am me, and you are you. So maybe that’s an expectation? I’m breaking my own rules. I do have to be better with understanding that people are not like me, and that’s what makes me wonderful. But at the same time, it’s a struggle emotionally to feel as loved as I make others feel.

weseethemasweare

And there it is, closure to this post. In the end, we see things the way we are. We see people how we want to see them. And we need to remember that reality is better than expectation.. or assumption even. And when we accept things as they are, it leads to better relationships and understanding all around.

I know I shouldn’t see people as I am, and this is why I’m still friends with people who don’t give me all that I need. At the same time, it leads me on a mission to find someone who can give me what I give in return. Is my emotional dopplegänger out there?! I don’t want to believe that I am the only giver-without-expectation person in the world. There must be more.. or we really do have a lot to worry about in the future.

❤

I wish you all #9

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

As some of you may know, I just came back from an enlightening trip to the Philippines. This was my first international trip, and I’ll be blogging specifically about that, hopefully soon.

During lunch today with a dear friend, however, I was re-living all my experiences and explaining all that I had seen. There are many, many things that I took away from this trip, and as we were immersed in conversation, per usual, the conversation turned to relationships. And by “relationships” I mean we discussed all types: friendship, societal expectations, family, and of course, romantic. It was, and still is difficult to explain properly in words all I experienced, but in terms of relationships, especially being “officially, officially” single for months now, (I finally let go after months of emotional suicide) there was sort of a fire re-ignited inside me about where I am and where I am going.. #hopelessromantic

While on vacation, I was in the midst of several conversations about relationships. In addition, I was able to observe a whole new culture of relationships. And coincidentally, on one of the last days, I was sifting through my FB looking over all the posts I was tagged in – and fell into my About Me page.. totally forgot about that.. like, does anyone have stuff filled out in there anymore? Apparently I do! Within this About Me page, there is a Quotes section in which I found this:

“from a blog titled: 10 Decisions that Change Your Life
#9. When you love who you actually love. I know it’s a simple observation, but one day it just hit me that people aren’t always together because they love each other. There are a thousand different reasons people get (and stay) together and some of them can be the farthest thing from love. If this is your truth, change it. Go love who you actually love. If you don’t know who that is yet, keep living, they will come.”

I don’t know why, but this hit me like that rock in shallow water that blew up my ankle on day 2 of vacation. Lol – Anyway, in terms of romantic relationships, I’m there. Or should I say, I’m STILL there. And honestly, if I look back far enough, I think I blogged about this in the past also. This is clearly a reoccurring theme in our society, (as that blog was posted in 2013 and it still rings true today) and I’m sure in most personal lives, not just mine. The funny thing this time, is that this gave me an, almost inappropriate, wave of hope. In life there are cycles, good and bad, good and bad.. but when it comes to matters of the heart, we for some reason refuse, or more so have a difficult time, removing the “bad”. We choose to hold on mainly because of fear of the unknown (which I point out later in this post). I remember being partially annoyed when I first read this back in 2013, because I kept seeing/hearing so many people complain about their relationships (which still happens today, of course) and when I would challenge them, it always came back to some strange conversation of: “I can’t find anyone else”, “I hate being single”, “But we’ve been together x amount of years”, or worse, “I have kids” (and this is not specific to married people btw).

The kid one, though, hurts my soul constantly. Probably because I come from divorced parents. And maybe I was just a super smart 2yr old, but I learned my parents were happier without each other, and thats all that mattered. There were no more fights. We were more a family separated than together. Like, you think your kids are thrilled when they see the two people who are supposed to be in love argue, bicker, and fight? How is that a healthy representation for your children to learn love? Instead they grow up with a sense of cynicism rather than understanding that patience, and not settling for anything less than happiness, is what they should strive for. What if your child was in your relationship? Would you want your daughter or son to be cheated on? Would you want your child to fight with their spouse/significant other on a daily basis and watch their unhappiness? Who wants that!? I don’t even want that for my friends, never mind loved ones.

On top of that, I learned a lot of life lessons. I learned that sometimes things just don’t work out, sometimes you make bad decisions, sometimes we just aren’t patient enough to wait for the right person because society pressures you, sometimes the person you love doesn’t love you back. And sometimes, it’s just that you realize it’s not a fairytale – and that’s ok, because in some instances, with patience, understanding, and communication, you can create or even re-invent your own story of love and happiness.

 

  • side note – I understand that with relationships it’s not black & white, and there are a multitude of things we can dig into: past and present personal issues, struggles, communication, and even love languages, to help some people love and continue to love. But my focus here is the generalization of how people get into and stay in relationships without love to begin with, and to challenge and question: WHY!?

 

And I mean, lets be real, the divorce rate is a clear representation that people get and stay together for many reasons other than love. Maybe it’s not so much of a bad thing after all – because so many people end up finding their “true love” in later years. But imagine if we all were just a little more patient.. we could have found that person earlier perhaps, and spent more wonderful years together.

I, myself, am also a wonderful divorcé – and maybe it’s because I went head-first into fear that I learned what real love is. Because that’s all it is essentially – FEAR. We are all afraid of being alone so we settle. We are even afraid because, WHAT IF IT DOESN’T WORK OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE?! << Funny how that is a fear, yet many times we are dealing with something that isn’t working out! But that last line in that post: “If you don’t know who that is yet, keep living, they will come.” They will! The problem is patience with timing.  If some of us just waited another day, another year or two, or three even, we could be with that love. We could have that story, and it may even resemble a fairytale.

So, my friends, I wish you #9 – and if you get a chance, click the link and check out the rest of the blog post – it’s a nice quick read and a wonderful reminder that although we may not have control over life, we can control ourselves, and how we react to it.

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” -Lao-Tzu

Love and be loved, my friends.

❤

 

i want ice cream..

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Why..

Why is it there are times when we just don’t feel adequate. And I say feel – 1) because I’m naturally an emotional person, and 2) because it IS just a feeling, isn’t it?

I look in the mirror and I think I’m one of the most beautiful people in this world. My friends think I’m weird because when I cry, I always think thats when I’m the most beautiful. Not because it’s sad and sort of deep moment, but because my eyelashes stay up! amiright?! And if there is one thing I consider my favorite thing about myself it’s my eyes. And they are just an ordinary middle-range brown, but I don’t know, I just love them. They always seem to sparkle in the sun.

We should all think like this of ourselves right? Then why is it, the minute I leave my mirror, or my personal sense of self, and I look around me.. I all of a sudden sink? Why?

What is it about other people, or societal expectations, that can get inside you? And this is coming from a person who refuses to live by anything related to society – and yet, there are moments where I feel the strain, especially when it comes to my sense of self.

I literally went from confidently-tired from being busy at work, to that sort of depressive tired.. and I know y’all know what I’m talking about. Like I just wanted to go eat a pizza garnished with ice cream, and go to bed. Thankfully in my old age – lol – or really just practice and experience, I have learned to not fall into that hole as often. I went to Starbucks, got a salad and a bag of chips, and studied for about an hour and a half.

But then I got home. And I played CandyCrush for like another hour 😐

Ugh. It was just a sunken moment of not wanting to feel or think. I almost felt like I couldn’t stop playing that stupid game because it kept me preoccupied and my mind numb. Just dizzying pieces of candy to take away this gross feeling of not being enough. Where it came from I have no idea, but it happens every so often. Iv’e even asked my bestie for help one other time it happened, asking: “How, when you feel good about yourself, how do you keep that momentum all day/week/month/LIFE?!” Her response: “I guess just try not to get caught up in all the external shit that happens, and makes you feel like you’re not enough.”

That external shit. Thats what I’m talkin about. Go away!

Anyway, I looked at myself in the mirror after that lame ass, sort-of-personally-embarrassing-to-admit-hour of CandyCrush. And you know what I saw? My eyeballs. I thought to myself, there you are, you beautiful unicorn.. Now if I could only find a way to bubble-wrap this feeling and keep me safe from the outside world..

 

❤

 

 

I’m mad at my horoscope..

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Lol who else loves a good ‘ol Horoscope?!

As much as they are “for entertainment only”, theres definitely some truth in the stars. People born at certain times of the year carry similar traits. My close circle of friends, for example, are pretty much born in Fall and Winter. Spring babies I’ve always had a harder time understanding, and Summer babies, (Leo’s in particular it seems) are always an extreme – as in extreme likeness, or extreme dislike – there never seems to be a balanced energy with summer babies.

Anyway, I believe in the stars because, well, God made them, so they have to mean something, amiright?! Just as weird things happen during a full moon, and seasons change, our universe is based on cycles of life.. the up, the down, the end, the beginning. This is why I enjoy horoscopes – they provide a dialogue, however true or untrue, that uses the universe’s energy to explain why we do things and what we could possibly do. Because another truth is certain: we all have feelings, and we all create an energy, and this energy affects our surroundings.

So in one of my recent horoscopes, I think was for last week? Or the week before.. It talked about how I need to get myself out there, hang out with different people, and be social, “It’s your time to shine Aquarius!” And as I found myself immersed in plans, weekend after weekend all through June.. I realized something: As much as being social is an act of togetherness, and putting oneself out there, the people you surround yourself with really make a difference. Just because you are surrounded or engaged with the people around you, doesn’t mean they are good for you. And I think that’s the part I’m having trouble with. I don’t like to say people are “bad” necessarily, but not all people are good for YOU. As people, we are different for a reason, we can’t all be doctors or there would be no lawyers, firemen, teachers, etc.. you get my point. When it comes to the people in your life, Robin Williams said it best:

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So knowing the people who provide support, encouragement, and positive energy that compliments your own is important. And I’m not talking specifically about “your people” or your “inner-circle” necessarily. In general, we meet people all the time, and finding out or feeling that some people just aren’t what you need is ok. To consciously continue to surround yourself with the people “who make you feel all alone” is something to be mindful of. Keep in mind, just because these people aren’t good for you, doesn’t mean they aren’t perfect for someone else. That’s how the universe finds balance. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure, amiright?

And this is why I am mad at my horoscope. Lol! Lately, I have been hanging out with so many different people, groups, and parties of my life, and I am now seeing that some people who I thought were “good” for me, actually aren’t. A few that I thought were a support system, actually mock me from behind. And it’s better to know these things of course, but damn that horoscope, if I just kept to myself and my 3 people I like, lol, I would still be living, (sort of a lie I guess) believing everyone is still amazing! And it’s not so much as we all can’t get along, because we can.. It’s just sad to know that I now have to be careful with some people vs others. Because, I at least, still believe in being kind, but that doesn’t mean everyone else is kind.

So per usual, I hope when you read this, it’s a reminder of the good people in your life, and also a side note to try a leave the others alone. More importantly, take a moment and reflect – just as some people are not good for you, you are also not good for some people. Accept that, and understand it’s better to focus on those who don’t feel alone with you ❤

 

 

 

 

 

Here’s to the man..

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Who at around 8yr old told me: “It doesn’t matter that you are a girl, you can do whatever you want as long as you work hard enough.” (this might be super cheese, but I literally tell myself this almost every day.. especially recently)

And at 20 before I made a terrible decision to get married, when my ex asked my father for my hand in marriage, my dad responded: “I don’t know why you’re asking me, if Kara wants to marry you, she will, if she doesn’t, she won’t. She will do whatever she wants.”

And most recently in the past year, while my dad was visiting, we had lunch with a couple friends of his.. who of course asked: “Is she seeing anyone? Married?” My dad Responds: “Why does she need to be married? You don’t need to be married to be happy nowadays.” They then come back with a: “How will she have children?!” (If you know me at all, I pissed myself laughing here) My fathers response? “She doesn’t need to be married to have children, if she wants children she will have them.” The conversation continued with how I’m happy and that’s all that matters.

And here’s to the man who told me once to never date a man like him, because he knew his flaws and wanted better for me. I understood what he was saying here, as I lived through it.. However, I would definitely appreciate someone who is also as open about their flaws, who understands that mistakes do not make us who we are, and that everyday is not perfect.

A man who is definitely not a traditional father – and even through a childhood of slight turmoil and young adulthood of distress, I still learned from this man that I do not need a boyfriend, a spouse, a job, children, money, or any other societal expectation to define me. I define me.

Happiest of Fathers Day to my daddio who is my biggest supporter and definitely helped nurture my independent-bitchy side Lol – And who will always be a reminder that it is I who makes my life, and to make sure I’m happy with all that I put in it, because it is also me, who has to deal with it.

Thanks Dad for making me want to work hard everyday 🙂

 

 

babies.. the fur kind

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Ok, I don’t even know where to start with this..

But I have been actively looking for pup recently since I am a beautifully single, independent, and hard working professional.. that only a pup could love apparently, lol.

And in my searches, a friend of mine shared with me an adoption site, and if I’m being honest here, I wasn’t even thinking about adopting.. but here is where my rant begins..

She pretty much found just about the perfect pup for me, but as a pup-virgin, I of course, began to browse through and see what other pups were out there. Because I only know what is in front of me.. and from what I have been told from others, finding a pup is a connection that just happens – so I also know I’ll have to meet some pups before I really make my decision.

As I am checking out these little fur-baby stories, my whole view on life begins to change. I’m about 11982764% certain now that I will adopt vs another means of pup-purchase. I mean – and I’m sorry to go off on a tangent here, but to start, YES – animals become your family, your babies, if you so choose to call them. They are little fur-balls that, just like children, need to be fed, and taken care of in order to continue living. They need 90% support from something outside themselves to thrive. And I say 90% because I know there are feral cats and lots of animals who survive in the wild (and I’m estimating/exaggerating here, for you technical people – so relax). Point is, when I read something such as, “4yr old who’s owner had to surrender because he is moving and pup can’t come.” I’m just like, I’m sorry?! Is that what people do when they have children, like: Oh gotta move, sorry Suzy, you’re 4 now, let’s go find you a new home. When you make a CHOICE to have and become the “parent” of an animal, (just like children) you then ACCEPT the responsibility that goes with it! I mean, I was casually looking for a new apartment a few months back.. and I was already looking for places who accept dogs! And I don’t even have one yet! #SMH #responsibilityprobs

There was one post that made me laugh though, about 6 pups who were surrendered by the mom’s owner, and whoever posted on the site, legit wrote (not verbatim, but close): “Surrendered by mother’s owner who apparently lets her run loose and sleeps with who-knows-what.” LMAO. I felt bad for those 6, 8-week old pups, but man, was I happy with the honesty there. And the agency, who understands responsibility, also noted that in exchange for the pups, they neutered the mother so this wouldn’t happen again. #SMH #responsibilityprobs

And please spare the mom-shaming of: “Fur-babies don’t count, you don’t have children, its just a dog.. (or cat, or bird, or whatever).” Seriously people?! I mean, I get it.. they are not humans.. but for single people who can’t just pop out a child if they want one, (because you would probably shame them too for not being married #SMH), or even those that have tried, but found they can’t have children, or even have lost their children.. this IS their baby, and might be the only baby they may ever have. So stop judging! Love is Love.

Maybe this is just a responsibility issue.. Either way, the moral of this rant is that animals are family and they are babies. And I think what is a little sad is that more people are inclined to give up on animals because of the idea that they are not humans, therefore, not as “important”. Yet animals are more of babies, than actual babies, because humans eventually grow up and take care of themselves. Animals don’t, they will always need someone to feed them and care for them until they go to animal heaven. So, to see so many who have either been mis-treated or just given up out of irresponsibility, it makes me want to become Miranda Lambert and save them all! This process has officially become hard for me. I now rethink those dreams of winning the lottery.. I might just buy a farm and have like 5 dogs and 3 cats (I think thats the most I could handle.. lol). And then keep donating to shelters and such.

One can only hope I have that ability one day.. Anyway, I have a newfound appreciation for whatever fur-baby I will hopefully be blessed with. Until then, love all babies my friends.. and don’t be irresponsible!

❤

my biggest flaw

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I, for some reason, had an urge to share today, and as I learned from my blog challenge, I will listen!

In regards to the title of this piece, ask anyone who may know me even a little bit, and I have an inkling they will all say my biggest “problem” or “flaw” is I care too much. Many times it’s about things that, “don’t matter” or “shouldn’t matter”. Or more so, about people who “don’t deserve” it.

Good thing I don’t listen to anyone – maybe that’s another “flaw” lol.

I went to church for the first time in a long time, at my own will even.. << this is a rare occurrence. I was born and raised a Catholic – I still have those services memorized and engrained in my brain.. with the OLD language I might add – none of this “new” Catholic church language for me! lol (totally aging myself here). And let’s be clear, I have nothing against Catholics at all, but structure and methodology only speak to me in yoga. In religion, the only consistent “rules” you should find, are: to Love one another, and Worship he/she who takes care of you. (I say he/she because for many it is the Universe and Mother Earth who takes care of you, and that’s ok – because honestly, the lines of creationism and evolution are very much able to be seen as intertwined, so I never really understood how people could separate the two if you believe in anything bigger, outside of yourself.)

Anywhooo – I am in the process of trying a few congregations to see what feels best for my needs. Until this point, I haven’t been able to find anything ‘inviting’ per-say, since I moved away from Orange County. Not sure where this urge came from, but I gladly accepted it. This particular service that I went to over the weekend, (and I’m sure God knew) was legit, EXACTLY what I needed to hear. Everything from trusting the Lord, to reverting back to old ways because it’s “comfortable” versus taking yourself out of comfort for something larger.

It was relevant in so many ways about how as humans we are all flawed and don’t naturally love or forgive – we feel hate, revenge, bitterness.. And there was a moment where the pastor said something like, “And that’s why I’m not Jesus”, and some one out there let out an “Amen!” which created some laughter because then the pastor stated, “You didn’t have to say it THAT loud”, lol. I mention this because I am hard on myself, and this was a wonderful reminder that yes, I am not God, I am not Jesus, I am NOT perfect. But being imperfect doesn’t mean you can’t at least try to be better.

I have prayed many-a-time to “not feel”. Yet after this weekend I wonder, why is feeling a flaw?! Most sermons consist of learning to forgive, and to love, and to not judge – because we, as humans, naturally do the opposite when we are hurt, embarrassed, or feel threatened. I realized, maybe I’m a better person than I think I am – I am loyal even to those who are not loyal to me, I make time when someone asks something of me, even if they have not given the same in return. And again, if you look deeper here, yes, this leads me to over-give myself without taking..

But c’mon let’s be real here – is the act of taking really something we see of value? That we are proud of? I would hope not, but I understand the concern of [my people] because there “should” be balance – but seriously, those who tell me I give too much.. each and every one of those people were not there for me at one time or another when I needed them. So what does that say about them? If I listened to the people I care about, I shouldn’t give to them either! Because even the closest, most chosen-family of [my people], are still not there for me when I need them sometimes. Because again, we are human, we are not perfect. And trust me, I still wish I didn’t care as much about anything than I do – but I’ll tell you right now, the people I make myself available for, or give to, feel better than when I’m not available, and I definitely feel good knowing I have helped in some way. So it’s a win-win. To always worry about oneself leads us into those moments where we have to look ourselves in the mirror again. Pain and bitterness, as crazy as it sounds, is easy. To be angry and bitter takes no effort – but to love.. if you’ve loved anything, or anyone, you know this is a daily choice – daily, constant, effort. And this is why people tell me I’m crazy to care because I do exert a lot of energy, never mind time to those I care most about.

In the end, moral of the story of the service this past weekend was making sure you are listening for the whispers of God (listen to what the Universe is telling you!) – this I have a hard time with. The pastor continued with, if you don’t listen to the whispers, God may have to sort-of slap you in the face with the message. Blessing in disguise, if you will (or karma, amiright?!) So this made me see myself, where I am, what I do, and if I was “comfortable”. If I was doing things out of comfort because I am in a stressful moment of my life. Was I reverting back to “old” ways? Was I doing things that weren’t really making me better, but just fulfilling an empty space for now? I stopped caring for a little bit, I did things, and planned things in my brain that brought me back to another time. A time of pain. I tried to expose this “better” side of me – which was a complete lie. But I did book an amazing trip out of it, lol (which now I question if it was the right choice?) This past weekend made me care again. Not gonna lie, I didn’t really like it, lol. But if it is my calling to care, then by all means, I will care. Maybe that’s my life’s tragedy: The girl who cared to much. What were those lyrics by The Band Perry?

“Here lies the girl whose only crutch,
Was loving one man just a little too much”

Now don’t be vain, this song isn’t about you.. Lol – but more so meaning there’s my crutch. I give, and I give. I love, and I love. I give to a lot of people who don’t give back. People I love, people I call family. People who think they give enough to me.. but they don’t. This will always be an imbalance in my life. And if I can accept that of others of whom I know are not perfect, then I truly hope if one of you are reading this, that you understand, I will keep caring, and I will keep giving. And I, too am not perfect. And maybe the rest of you readers are like – damn girl, get some new people in your life! Lol! Trust me, I thought that many times – and honestly, I have made some adjustments along the way.

But for those who may have thought that, if you look around you, none of your people are perfect too. But they are your people. For whatever reason they have stuck by your side through good, bad, ugly, and even nasty. And thats why, even if your circle is small, theres always one other person who picks up pieces when another person drops them. We have these people because there is not one person who can fill every crevice of your heart and life. We have friends, we have family, we have children, and parents.. and even pets. And I am blessed to be the pick-er-upper for my people.

Now, if I could just find the right path for my life, that would be awesome..

 

🙂