Category: random

my brain is still jumbled

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I just got back from yet another trip 🙂 in 2025 I have been blessed to have experienced Iceland (for the second time!) Ireland, Spain, and Morocco. And while the insight I will share applies to all places, it hits more certain destinations. I think I have blogged about this before when I was living in CA. I went to the beach at least 3-4 times a week, if not every day. I noticed the regulars that gathered in the mornings and afternoons, to walk their dogs and have coffee with friends and acquaintances.. Mind you, I went to the beach a lot my first 2yrs, then much more the last 5 of 12 years I lived there. I learned a lot in my last 5 years, one being how blessed I was to live where I am (more in an aesthetic sense because of the beauty, not the people, cost of living, or any other tangible fact of CA lol). And even in this realization, I had friends who were born and raised in SoCal, close enough to the beach also – who openly admitted they haven’t been in YEARS. YEARS I tell you. I had a friend tell me once, they only came because I lived so close and that’s where I hang out, and well, they would get a moment to see the ocean. I remember being more appalled at the people of CA after that LOL. I realized in my 12 years there, it was all the transplants who really dove into the nature and beauty of the coastline. Locals saw it as a distraction because #Tourists. And honestly, I can understand the annoyance living there myself, and planning my days of when I knew the seasonal people would be gone. However, it never deterred me from the beauty, and the sunsets, and the pretty mornings.

This isn’t to throw stones at CA or the people who live there, (although I am very happy to not live there anymore, lol) my point of this blog post is just sharing yet another realization on how we get desensitized in many aspects of life, not just the news. In all my travels, especially in Iceland, I wondered why people drove so fast. Like are y’all lookin around while you’re driving!? I AM, lol. Magic spews from all the baby fosses (what I like to call small waterfalls), the terrain changes as the miles increase, and the weather is like a toxic ex.. you just never know what you’re gonna get every 5min. This experience, and others alike, reminded me of living here in the US. I have always been one to appreciate nature and trees, and rivers, and lakes, and beaches.. but there always comes a time, like in CA where I’m deterred from the beauty due to “others” lol stomping in, leaving trash, and taking advantage of my parking spots lol. Now, thankfully as a seasoned traveler, I am VERY (prob too much sometimes lol) respectful of other countries, even other states in the US for goodness sake, and am very cognizant of culture. Even just visiting TN, I do all I can to be a part of whatever they consider “home”. Because isn’t that the point of visiting new places? To see a different lens? Maybe learn something.. maybe even adopt something that resonates with your beliefs? I beg those who travel to remember, the world is not here to adapt to YOU, it is YOU that needs to learn to adapt to your surroundings. That being said, In all places I have lived, New England, CA, and TX – I do have to take a step back and remember the local beauty around me.. because that’s why people are visiting. ME, MYSELF and I.. need to stop driving so fast.. and maybe look around a little more because there are many beautiful areas around where I live and some that I have yet to explore myself.

Ireland is probably the one place I have visited where they openly accepted tourists, they practically love them lol. The Irish (in my experience) help people immerse in their culture and the beauty of their country. They are so proud of what they have to offer and I think they find it a blessing that people want to experience it too. Maybe I need to pull that Irish side outa me and remember there are many people like me in the world (at least I want to believe it) who do travel for the appreciation, and the learning, and to see God’s creation.

Just as the title states, I’ve only been home like 30hr (closer to 48hr now lol) and my brain is still jumbled. I just had so many thoughts running around after this last adventure that I needed to start throwing words on electronic paper. It’s possible none of this makes sense and is a bit scattered.. It will just force me to post another idea in another week or so (can’t believe it’s been 10mo since my last post!). With all the traveling I did this year, I’m honestly surprised it took me this long to write something out loud.

I digress.. I think the best way to sum up the madness in my head, is that 1) Remember the beauty in your own home, your own surroundings. Even deep in a concrete jungle, I know there are sights that inflict emotion. Remember people might be visiting your location because they can’t get this experience at their home. 2) When visiting other places, remember it’s not their job to accommodate to you, you are in their space, their environment. Do a little bit of homework before exploring (honestly it surprises me when people don’t even look up basic lifestyle things before visiting somewhere. Like, no leaf peepers, someone’s PERSONAL HOME is not part of the peeping process – get out!).

So I guess some final jumbled thoughts are – I am blessed to be able to travel as much as I do. If you are not a traveler, honestly, thank you. Because I question if there will ever be (safe) untouched land again. And hot take: just as not everyone is meant to be a doctor, I don’t believe traveling is meant for everyone either. If you are a fellow traveler, I hope you are kind, considerate, adaptable, and patient. And lastly, remember where you are, remember your surroundings – there is beauty in your back yard too. ❤

Have we talked about the little things?

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Whoop! its a double whammy weekend! You all are blessed with back-to-back posts! Who even am I right now!? lol

Idk what it is, maybe Mercury heading into the microwave again!? But by 8:20am PST on a Sunday, I was reminded how important the little things are.

From driving to Hermosa for breakfast then getting my Bees Knees from HiFi – every small moment hit me, in not all the good ways, lol. I mean, the realizations aren’t bad.. for example – as I am driving, I am thinking about finding new local spots in TX.. and then having a moment of, well, when I moved to SoCal, I felt the same way. I only “like” these places bc they are somewhat comfortable. And I say somewhat, bc it’s more the people – and a person forgot to tell me schedules had changed. So I drove for no reason if you will, bc I can get a better experience 3min from my current apartment.

Now I will say that, this normally wouldn’t bother me as much as it did bc whatever, stuff happens all the time. But I think in this moment it was just reminding me that people matter, not necessarily the places. Bc then I head back towards home, and stop by my local coffee shop since caffeine is needed on this packing day.. and I realize who’s working. And to clarify, these people aren’t terrible, lol, but I am in need of a certain experience today especially after having a misstep already this morning. So when I didn’t see “my people” I walked out and went across the street to a cafe where I know no one. And as simple as this situation may seem, it made a difference. My coffee is bomb, and it actually put a smile on my face bc the latte art is always on point there too. And then I started thinking.. why am I trying so hard to accept the mediocre? Why am I trying to do things a certain way, or only go to certain places bc I’m leaving? These people don’t care! lol I mean, ok there’s prob a small moment of awww – you were a great local, but other than that, these people be living their lives without me.

All together, as I got back in my car and headed “home” I just felt like I had to remind myself: This chapter is closing, stop trying to hold on to things that essentially, don’t matter. Bc just like this morning experience, I have dealt with these let downs so many times, but I felt they were just small inconveniences. When now looking at the big picture, they should have been signs of how inadequate living in the SoBay has actually been for me, especially the last couple of years. No wonder I’ve felt lonely. No wonder I never felt like a part of something. I was holding on to the big moments and orchestrated nights out. Holding on to when people came to visit and I could show them the “good parts”.

I have no regrets on how long I stayed here, the last year alone allowed me to meet one of my favorite people, and honestly, depending on what you believe in, I coulda met them anyway in some other way! lol. But these small things are hitting me more now. It’s like when you are finally in a good place after a bad breakup and you see things so clearly now, and wonder how you missed all the red flags. All those little things.

Brings me back to that conversation with my best friend – Its about the Wednesday nights. The small, “insignificant”, moments, that you think don’t matter.. they matter so much more than we realize.

And maybe I was so inclined to write this today (more like vent, to be honest, lol) on a whim, bc you know how much I love to remind y’all about these things! And like most epiphanies, I can’t be the only one with open eyes having these moments, and looking for reassurance. So if this helps any of you see things a little differently, or helps with a decision, or just a reminder to never go a day with bad coffee ever again, lol, then my job is done ❤

cheers, xoxo

another day, another thing to let go of

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

(note: i was having troubles saving drafts today, so apologies in advance for any grammatical mishaps in this post, lol)

My favorite time of the year is here.

And you may be thinking – oh the Holidays! Well, sort of. lol. Thanksgiving IS my favorite Holiday of the year, (second to my Birthday of course, lol) But this time of year is my favorite, more because we are getting into the sentiment, conversation, and ideas, of New Beginnings, letting things go, and leaving things in 2023 (or any prior year for that matter.

I’ve blogged about this before, but in new light, I lost my father this past Sunday, and the relationship was complicated. Although I will not be diving into that, as grieving is different for everyone, but I mention this, as it adds to the spirit of New Beginnings. Another chapter of my life has closed, and at the same time, the growth of this year has felt quite expansive. I feel that it prepared me for this moment. With that, it gives me more appreciation and gratitude as we move into this season of giving, tradition, and “family”.

Most of my “family” as you know, is chosen. And this year, this week even, has reminded me how important “our people” are. I don’t quite enjoy the general public, lol, and acquaintances and casual friends are nice to have, and needed for a sense of community, but our core “family” is really what gives us meaning. The time and conversations I spend with my best friend, (who is WAY more than just a best friend compared to what the name itself is defined as) are not of Wednesday energy. Every moment with her is a Friday or Saturday night – even on a Wednesday ❤ (now the explanation of that analogy may have to wait for another day, bc the whole concept of finding your Wednesday person is just so wonderful to me). Point here is, no matter where your life takes you, be very conscious of who you keep close, as these people are closely tied to your rise and fall.

In that same intention, every year, honestly, every day even, is an opportunity to allow yourself to reevaluate what is in front of you in the present, and also what is ahead of you. What is imperative to bring you joy, love, support and motivation even, to guide you on that path? Don’t worry, I didn’t forget about yesterday, lol. You can’t change the past, so no need to reevaluate that, but make a note on who was, or was NOT there in your rise(s) and fall(s). Does that need to change? Or are these relationships deserving of more nurturing and growth?

Any death makes these questions easier to answer. However, I’ve mentioned time and time again on this blog, that we need to be better about having these moments outside of extreme experiences. Your Wednesdays matter. The plain, “normal”, simple days – not just the thrill ride of Saturdays or big life moments.

To put a bow on this post, let’s bring it back to my favorite time of year. I get to look at how far I’ve come, and anticipate what is ahead. With the closing of any chapter, brings new pages to create. And I am excited, hopeful, and very much grateful for the experiences this year has given me, and more importantly, the people I have gathered, kept, and graciously let go of. I hope for all of you readers, you are able to find peace, in once again releasing what is not meant for you, and in turn allowing what IS meant to be. Sometimes it’s harder to accept what the universe is trying to give us, versus letting go. It always feels easier to let go of what does not fill our souls, however, to trust what does light a fire within us, for some reason, is difficult for most << and that’s a whole post in itself, lol.

So cheers to you all. And if you are celebrating Thanksgiving this week, however you celebrate, I hope it is within the spirit and intent of gratefulness, and brings you to a place of balance where you can let go of what no longer serves you, and open your arms to what will. ❤

p.s. gotta remind y’all, especially during the holidays – remember “family” does not mean blood, “family” is your people, wherever they are from, of whom you trust, and trust you. Family is also those who love you not in spite of your flaws, but because of of them. They love you for just existing and being a positive part of their lives, not bc of any obligation.

p.p.s my last reminder for the holidays: No is still a full sentence, and an appropriate answer, xoxo

unedited thoughts of late

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I feel like there has been a lot of letting go the past year or so.

Letting go of friendships, family, and I guess relationships in general. As well as the past, ideas, emotions, and other aspects of life and myself, that were holding me back from living. With letting go of people, comes the letting go of their presence and past connections. Connections, that no longer support me, serve me, or give me joy. << It’s the “no longer serve me” that is important here. I say this because, I lost two loved ones last year, and both their spirits still serve me and support me, and give me peace.

However, there are moments, (some times many moments) that happen daily, where we realize we have outgrown a situation, a person, a feeling. This year has been a big year of finding myself, and relearning not to be afraid of life. And no matter where the days have sent me, for me, it’s the people who kept me going. I used to be so proud of being independent, strong, singular. Me. I’m going to take care of myself. Me. Just me. This year I realized I need people, but differently than I thought. I’m not as strong as I thought I was. I don’t always want to be independent. There is a difference between independence and being alone. I just ended up alone. And not just alone, but lonely. << This right here, was very hard for me to admit, and it still is. I never want(ed) people thinking I’m needy, dramatic, or worse yet, thinking I’m faking it.

But recent events have reminded me that sometimes we are so focused on certain things, people, emotions even, that are just “available” and in front of us, that we put our effort into them. Because why not right? They are there ready for the taking. But rather, we should be taking a breath, find some sort of grounding, and remember the ones, and the feelings, that in fact, still serve us, and light our soul. A team Jeremiah vs Team Conrad, metaphor for life, if you will lol.

As much as I love flowers, it’s this example of what people actually offer me, that I need to carry with me as I navigate this life through the good and bad. Am I just getting tangible things from people or am I getting *moments*, substance beyond the day, that can surpass the heavens?

I guess my point in all this, that probably could have been stated in a sentence, lol, is that not all people or feelings will serve you. Keep close the ones, although not always in front of you everyday, that stand the test of time. Not bring back the past to you, but from wherever they begin, they can follow you to the end. Let go of what no longer serves you, let the hard emotions pass, and let these people help you understand the difference.

A Harvard study did find, that positive relationships keep us happier, healthier, and help us live longer. So be mindful of your village however large or small. I am blessed to have had certain people by my “side” the past few weeks, and they reminded me that it’s ok to let the others go. Honestly, some of these people surprised me, while others confirmed some thoughts I had. But in all, I will forever be grateful to those who continue to show up when I need them, and learning through them that it’s ok to outgrow the ones who don’t.

Take care of yourselves friends, and pay attention to those who are part of your universe not just those in your front yard.

till next time, cheers,

I’m not popular

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

And neither are some of my opinions, but I just have a hard time understanding how we are in 2023 and still so unaccepting. In light of Pride Month and Juneteenth ahead, and well, the slew of hate against Drag Shows recently, I question a lot of things with this country and wonder how those who argue over “keeping things they way they were”, or “back in my day”, refuse to acknowledge all the progress they accept on a daily basis.

Don’t people understand that if “things stayed the way they were” we wouldn’t have this damn country. We were built from many things, and rebellion, different values/ideas, and different cultures are all part of that. We wanted a new land so we could live “freely”. So why would we deny freedoms or the people themselves who think and live differently? Why are we not wondering or asking them what they know that we don’t know?

I’m sure there were people who thought airplanes were witchcraft at one point. I mean, how many mid 80s/90s kids heard that the internet was the devils work bc it was opening up information we “shouldn’t know about”. Yet now those same people who shunned the internet, now use it as their form of “news”. And post on platforms on said internet to keep in touch with friends, all while posting their opinions on the media-driven “news” they read about. << ok maybe that last point might be the devils work, lol.

In that same sense, I know people will read this and come at me with plenty of OPINIONS (not facts) on why Drag Queens are bad, Gays are bad, and why History should not be dissected. Well, I stand by my last post – Be Curious, not Judgemental. Those of us who have no problem with lifestyles we don’t understand, are curious. We ask questions, we don’t judge. In that same sentiment, those who are finding gaps and inconsistencies in our history, were again, curious. Because as I also noted in my last post: Ignorance may be bliss.. but it is still Ignorance.

These same people who choose ignorance and judgement, fight the same battle and complain against those that question their opinion. And I get it, judgement should not be coming from any side, however, those unaccepting of change, rarely realize that they feel attacked because more times than not, they fight with opinions, not facts. It’s possible they are trying to hold on to whatever “bliss” they have left from some mental model from childhood without realizing the only constant in life is change.

Even in a small town where things may change less, there is still change. How am I so sure about that? Because there are babies born every single day. A child alone, creates change in this universe – first in its home within its family, then as it grows and learns, school or no school, they will develop ideas and dreams, and questions. Why do you think that small town storyline in movies/books even exist? Gotta leave this farm for the “big city”. Why? Because each of these main characters wanted to LEARN MORE AND EXPERIENCE SOMETHING NEW. Because they realized ignorance may be bliss.. BUT, lol, ignorance is STILL ignorance. They wanted to understand what was outside their bubble.

I digress slightly, but my point is, before I start demanding that people return their cell phones and computers, and cars even, can y’all just take a moment to realize that change is eminent? Whether that’s an evolution of mind or culture change is constant. And instead of arguing as to why we must celebrate LGBTQIA+ or Juneteenth, (its bc both scenarios involve a portion of our population that has either been oppressed and/or denied truth just FYI) maybe be curious instead. I myself didn’t know what Juneteenth was up until 2-3 yr ago. But I was curious, so I learned. Lets throw another quote out there before this ends, lol, “Life begins at the end of your comfort zone”. How ’bout go to a Drag Show and ask questions, you have a gay co-worker? Ask questions. I want to believe they will appreciate that more than your judgement. I have a Jewish co-worker that I worked closely with back in the day, he appreciated all my “stupid” questions. I asked questions to learn so I could understand the culture. And let me tell you, I asked a lot of questions – Yes, I was even one of those people who asked if Jews celebrate Thanksgiving *face_palm. Point is, I was being curious, I took a moment to learn, to understand. And one year, he thanked me because although sometimes annoying, he was glad that I at least asked. I also think it was the same year I was the only person who gave him a Hanukkah card, and for that, he was also grateful.

So before y’all come at me, maybe ask a question first. And if you throw Jesus into this, mus I remind you that anyone in any religion can pull a line from a bible or other religious word to cover their OPINION. But FACT is, most religions, moral of their story is 1) believe in the Lord and worship them 2) don’t be an asshole to your neighbors. i.e. you can hate the sin, but not the sinner. The Lord loved sinners. We are supposed to love not judge. In this case of religion, we are supposed to spread His word, not take others words away. Don’t make me bring in excerpts of “casting the first stone” to start backing myself up, lol.

Anyway, I haven’t put controversial thoughts on here in awhile, and a great thing about this country is free speech. So lets remember why we are great – Indivisible with Liberty and Justice FOR ALL. ❤

till next time, be kind, be curious, not judgemental.

xoxo

So much for 1/mo

~ NewBeginnings ~ 2 Comments

For this blog – thought I would be posting once a month, but its been quite a year. I guess I’ll just consider this is a mid-yr reacap? This will definitely feel, and sound like a ramble, but like all my posts, if anyone gains anything from this, even just a laugh or new idea, then I’m still fulfilling my purpose of starting this.. 11 years ago!? Go check out some Archives, those originals are hilarious, lol.

I also have 4 drafts that have been sitting in my edits waiting to complete.. maybe one day my brain will be able to focus long enough to get those done. For now though, its a new day, new month – and honestly, lots of New Beginnings have occured the past 5 months. One thing for certain however… there are some things that never, or rarely change.

From topics I write about often, a few thoughts that have remained consistent this year:

  • Family is not blood. It is many things, but blood and DNA/genes is not a requirement, nor the only, or needed, factor.
  • People are still in relationships for all the wrong reasons. *Small insight that I have learned is that most people’s fear of being alone is stronger than the need, or want for happiness – hence divorce rates, toxic relationships, etc… *Second insight is that almost all relationships get pressured to advance said relationship, i.e. “when are you getting married?!” “when are you having kids?!” which in turn creates issues, even for those who are in healthy relationships for the right reasons. We all have different timelines in life, relationships are no exception, we need to stop putting other people on our personal timelines.
  • Ignorance might be bliss, but its still Ignorance.
  • Contrary to popular belief, opinions are not facts. Nor are emotions, anxiety and depression.

Now, some things I did learn so far this year:

  • We need more Ted Lasso’s – Be Curious not Judgemental.
  • Although the ocean has a very special place in my heart, it is actually just the movement of water I truly love, and need in my surroundings.
  • No matter what you believe in, if you notice recurring signs, listen to them, pay attention to them. Don’t make assumptions – per point 1 – Be Curious. Sometimes the signs are super obvious, but sometimes, they are not necessarily pointing to what’s in front of you, they are teaching you and leading you to something you have not thought about. Maybe its a YOU problem, and maybe its more a need to change your way of thinking and doing.

Overall, this has been very much a year of: Control the Controllables. I started in a new role at work (eek!), I have traveled more in the last 5 months than I can remember in any year (YaY!), I moved (YaY!), I broke a toe (gah!). It’s definitely been a typical rollercoaster of heaviness and lightness of emotion, trying to navigate all the change internally and externally. I have had many a frustration, especially the past 3 months, having to travel in a boot for 2 of the many trips I took, and also being limited in movement after finally accomplishing my first half marathon just 3.5 mo prior to the bone break. BUT, this is day 5 of no splints, no tape, and real shoes 🙂 #smallwins

My new role is challenging, and will be a great learning experience for however long I do this. I think I learned the most about controllables from this role due to the reactive nature of it. Because thats all we can do when things happen that we do not expect, react. React as best we can, based on the tools we have. Knowing my reaction is controllable, I have learned to add more tools to my EQ box. Generally speaking, the more we are curious, the more we learn, and are able to create better experiences, whether thats with people or just trying to get through TSA.

I guess moral of this mid-year randomness is I have learned to be more curious, which in turn allows me to control my controllables, which really, the only thing we CAN control is ourselves. I have been learning to be more insightful in situations, and taking my time on next steps. Not every moment in life needs a to be a dive, sometimes wading or dipping a toe in a river, or ocean, or metaphorical lake, gives perspective and the ability to make proper decisions for our actions.

till next time, hopefully sooner than 5 months, lol, cheers,

xoxo

Random Thought #365

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I’d have to look at back if I’ve even posted any random thoughts, but really, who’s counting?

I can’t remember the last time I felt so off. I transition into a new role (with my same company) on Monday. And for some reason, I am having the hardest time letting go of certain things. Granted, I spent 8 years in this office which means 8 years with people. (If you have read anything from be before, you know people are very important to me. bc I mean, without people what do we have in this life?!) Although every time I catch myself saying that, I remember that all that’s left from my start are 6 people. SIX – in a current office of 30. And while I can add some people since they started within a year or so after me, most people have really only worked with me 5 years or less. And more so, most of those people I don’t even care about, lol.

So as I sit here, the one weekend, OF ALL FREAKIN WEEKENDS, where I have nothing going on, but yet feel the need for the most support – I am struggling with this past/present/future construct again. I know being present is the best way to be. We only have today. I am also excited for what the future may potentially bring, considering, there is a chance I may still be working with many of these people going forward (another reason I don’t understand these random emotions of longing). However, I feel like everything around me is changing. I mean, there are some people I really DON’T want to keep in touch with. There are things I am SO HAPPY to get rid of and not deal with in my new role.

Maybe it’s just the fact that really, nothing major – personally – has happened in like, idk 6 years for me? And career-wise it’s been, what, 4 years? I am always constantly moving and shaking, I thrive on constant change, but I am not making anything happen this time.. It’s all happening TO me.

Can’t believe I just had an epiphany sitting here venting at a screen:

  1. I have control issues
  2. I feel like I’m not “controlling” anything right now

Now, I also know I don’t actually “control” anything except my reactions to things, but the feeling of control is where it’s at. And now, I have not idea why I’m still typing, but I am still posting this in case anyone else out there needs a reminder, or is experiencing an “uncontrollable” moment.

I literally started today feeling so out of place – I woke up “late” (lol thats 7am for me), I didn’t know where to start, (yes, I felt behind already) I couldn’t even form complete sentences in my head. I chatted with a couple friends expressing my off-ness and thought, maybe this is a good blog post. So I started tip-tapping. This isn’t my best work by any means, but now I guess I provided some nonsense to read on your Saturday.

I guess moral of the story is here, if you take a moment to talk through things, write them down, type them even, or just be realistic in mindset, you will find an answer to whatever crazy emotion you are feeling. Not that having an answer helps the whole situation necessarily, but it’s a start to understanding it, and can maybe help stop the laugh-crying while listening to country music *shrug*

If you made it this far, thanks or not getting bored, lol. Stay present, remember not to freak out over change, but if you do, set some time to think. Emotions are problematic to many, and silly for others, but are the only thing we have that keeps us honest. Listen to them.

Cheers! xoxo

Non-traditional

~ NewBeginnings ~ 1 Comment

I was chatting with a friend earlier today, about the new year, blah blah.. and à la Carrie Bradshaw – I couldn’t help but wonder – what is it with traditions?

So like, we know what a tradition is: n – a long-established custom or belief that has been passed on from one generation to another. Or, in laymen’s terms – something that we “always” do.

I think I mentioned this in my last post or maybe I was just talking about it to someone, but for as long as I have been in SoCal, not one NYE has been the same. Come to think about it, no Christmas either. The closest thing to holiday traditions would be Thanksgiving, I do visit my brother every year. And possibly my Birthday – the past couple years I spent it my local watering hole, but every year has been a little different, the people mostly.

I guess my point is, the conversation from this morning was geared more at NYE, and I was having a moment, bc one of those “on this day, 85 years ago..” posts popped up and it was a NYE in Boston and the photo was insinuating the consumption of the proper bubbly concoction of champagne and Chambord. I remember making this drink another NYE while here in SoCal.. and I said out loud this morning, “All I wanted was Champagne and Chambord, I drank those every New Years!” And hence.. this is where I feel “traditions” fall flat.

The thing with – Holiday – traditions specifically, is that they are realistically short-lived. Or maybe this is just in my experience. Because as all things in life, nothing is forever.. which means, even if life is the most wonderful, eventually we all will die.

Therefore, once that moment happens, say, a person who passes, the current form of tradition, in a sense, changes. I say this because, I was seeing a lot of “what happens when the glue that holds us together leaves (is gone, or passes away)?”, posts, on the socials this year. Many commented with: MAKE NEW GLUE (ok maybe some didn’t yell, exactly, but yelling in text has been a delight lately, so thats all me lol). I digress, point is, new glue = a change in tradition.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying “traditions” are silly or meaningless, bc I definitely loved when I was part of one, or carried one on. But I guess, especially after this past year.. we need to normalize change. And I know we have all heard: “The only constant in life is CHANGE,” however, do we actually KNOW that? And ACCEPT it?

This has always been the scariest and most exciting thing to me. Change. I love it because in the 8 years living in SoCal, I have made about 7 friend groups (I just counted lol) – and in those groups are further sub-groups. I think about this, bc that means on average, I make a new friend group a year. THINK ABOUT THAT. I just hear all the silly people in my ear: “How do you meet people WITHOUT dating apps/apps in general?! It’s SO HARD.” No, its called GO OUTSIDE. Go to your local watering hole, go take a yoga class, go for a run, read a book at a coffee shop, and idk, when I was back east, everyone married each other at work! So just go to work! LOL (heres lookin at you #eastcoastfidofam) Thats how I have met people and made connections, then met other people through those people, and it goes on. And mind you, if you know me at all, you know I despise people who bother me at bars, lol, and at the coffee shop, etc.. but there is always someone who meets my energy, and the vibe is good, and friendships, and other ‘ships are made.

Through these ‘ships, some have kept and stayed since day one, i.e. I moved here in October, I met one of my best friend in November (from a mutual friend, she was looking for a new roommate), I moved in, in December, and the rest is history. Now, the volleyball friend group I met the following May/June? Inseparable like the first year. Then off-and-on the following, I was maid-of-honor at one of their weddings, then shortly after.. SEE YA. Lol. I mean, it wasn’t due to poor intentions, but life happened. Aside from random social media check-ins, I only talk to one person from that group still. ONE. And it’s not even on a consistent basis, lol.

I can go on about all the groups, those loves lost, and friendships of auld lang syne, but my point is: I, we, all of us – meet new people every.single.day. Whether we want those people in our lives or not is another story, but the opportunity is there, and those people are part of our daily “change.”

Tying these ideas of tradition and change together, is why it is all so exciting and scary at the same time to me. Because we have the opportunity to meet and experience new people/things on the daily. Think about that on a people aspect for a sec, how amazing is that?! Constantly making an impact or adding wonderful people to your life. BUT on that same notion, WE HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO MEET AND EXPERIENCE NEW PEOPLE/THINGS ON THE DAILY.

Y’all see where I’m going here?! Which means.. the people and things you experience today.. may not be the same people/things you experience in a year, a month, a week even. And as I wander through therapy to heal and repair myself, I realized that

  1. this is why loyalty and the idea of tradition is so important to me (people leaving/moments never happening again)
  2. this is why commitment is hard for me to accept (people leaving/moments never happening again)

I’m sure many people have had the feeling of this yo-yo/parallel emotion of wanting things to stay the same, but still yearning for change. I mean, as far as people are concerned, it takes a lot for me to actually trust someone and consider them my people. But at the same time, I’m high-five-ing and hiking with all these fun new people! But this is also normal for most, I think. We have all these friends, but only like 5 core people or whatever.

Anyway, because the only constant is change, how are traditions even possible? I mean, for me, the definition isn’t exactly set in stone, bc in basic terms, it’s just a long-established custom or belief (passed down from generations) – so those customs can include anyone? Like imma just make people, say, go to Christmas Eve services with me bc thats what my family did? And what exactly happens once that tradition isn’t done? (bc I haven’t gone to Christmas Eve services in like 39574594 years) Does that mean the tradition dies? Or does it become more nostalgic.. like my Champagne and Chambord on NYE? OR are traditions personal/singular? Because what if my brother hated celebrating Christmas on Christmas Eve like our family has done every year (with or without us there, pretty much every year until this year). I would think that would mean it’s NOT a tradition for him, but it still is with the “family”?

Anywayyy, in all this gibberish, and for someone who focuses on the little things #details, I just find the “bigger picture” fascinating. With everyday being a literal new beginning it’s a wild flurry of excitement and fear of the new, and possible loss of whatever is not-new. And I guess, as a side note, as much as I truly believe that you can:

“Meet someone tomorrow who has better intentions for you than someone you have known forever. Time means nothing, character does.”

I do have so much respect, and admiration to those who have kept any tradition, or people in their lives for a long time. I think of one of my Aquarian Soul-Sisters, who I have been best friends with for omg.. FIFTEEN YEARS?! And although there was a small snippet of time where we were off running our lives, we have literally been soul- inseparable (we live on opposite coasts now 😦 ) But think about it – 15years. Thats a lot of time to meet a whole lot of people. I mean in just 8 years, I have 7 different friend groups! So that also makes me wonder, are things just meant to be? Or is it all a choice?

This is also why couples who have been together for 10, 20, 50 years (and are in HEALTHY relationships) are admirable. Again, that’s a lot of time to meet so many people. Some say, you must “choose” your partner every day. Like working out, it’s a choice #priorities. Is THAT all tradition is? A choice, a conscious decision, to do or keep things continuing?

Anywayyy, I’m just going down a rabbit hole now. So if you made it this far, embrace the change. Accept traditions that may have been “lost”. Let yourself be sad if you lose a friend or lose touch with a colleague. Constantly remind yourself (or at least TRY to) that the chances of all the same.exact.people being there, in a few weeks time even, is not a sure bet. That being said, cherish every moment. Enjoy the time you have with others, and also in the activities you are involved in; and of course, take care of the ones who never seem to leave (that are HEALTHY relationships), and continue any “tradition” you’re still able to. Because as great as new opportunities are, new people, new traditions.. what is new may also be a replacement, and sometimes not for the better. And then you find yourself on January 1st, some random year, wondering where your Champagne and Chambord was on NYE.

Cheers!

p.s. are you now in a tug-o-war with excitement and fear for tomorrow!? eek! I half apologize if that is now happening, but it is also one of the BEST feelings in the world. #itscalledbeinggrateful

the most wonderful time of the year

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

It’s Birthdayyy Seasonnn! 🙂

I’m sure you newbies are wondering why the heck I enjoy ticking off another year of life off the tick-sheet, like it’s some kind of CELEBRATION?! Lmaooo well, another year, another New Beginning.

Birthday Season to me, as I know it is for others, is a time of reflection. Where were you this time last year? Where are you now? And not for anything, it doesn’t matter what happened or what you did. And this sounds cray coming from someone whose sole purpose in life is to travel and experience ALL THE THINGS. And I am so pumped of all the traveling and experiences I did/had the past year.

But what it really comes down to is.. Did you learn anything? About yourself, about others, about life? Anything? Did you at least learn what a good cup of coffee tastes like? Point is, I had a year of ups and downs almost as perfect as the dictionary can describe either action.

I started the first part of the year traveling, experiencing, feeling so free and determined, found passions in things, motivated to find a career with purpose. I struggled with a hint of heartache around May.. Then June happened.

Another loss in the family in the past 16mo. I didn’t talk about it much to you “outsiders” lol, but if you know anything about my family dynamic you understand. Losing my Nana last year was harder than ever expected, and this year was difficult in a different way. After having to be emotionally strong for others, I was off again traveling and experiencing things with no time to absorb the internal stress that was created. I know, white people problems, #sorrynotsorry.

Then mid-July came. I had already been struggling since June and been in therapy more than ever. That trip back “home” in June really took me to a place internally I never thought I’d have to deal with again. The resentment, anger, pain, other words that can’t nearly explain the emotional vomit that came flooding my insides. Through all this, I was still breaking my own heart thinking I could love someone enough to have them love me back (I know this is unrealistic and pathetic, stop judging). I shut my phone off for 2 weeks because the anxiety of seeing other people’s lives was actually painful.

Oh and the drinking – hahahaha I promise I don’t love drinking as much as I actually consumed during the summer months.

Depression set in. I barely got out of bed, except to drink, and work. Y’all are lucky if I showered. I was a complete and utter mess. Now mind you, I still trudged through life with a smile on my face, and did the only thing I know to do that makes me feel good. Give to others. Pep-talk? I’m there! Ride to the airport #obvi (I mean, I LOVE doing this anyway lol, lets be honest) Concert tickets? LETS DOOO THISSSS. Plane tickets?! I’ve given awayyyyy worseee.

And then fall and winter happened, and here we are! Lol, I know thats a huge zip through, but these past couple months started bringing the year into perspective.

I LEARNED:

1) It’s ok to not have a “good year” even though you still had MANY good things happen.

2) That although losses are difficult, whether in life, friendships, or relationships, those people and moments brought you here, and gave you understanding of something new.

3) People really do come and go as you need them. This pains my heart because I wish I could keep you all! But holding on too tight to anything: ropes, steering wheels, dog leashes, emotions.. lol, starts hurting more than letting go.

This is why I love Birthday Season, and join it with why I live by quotes – Someone, somewhere, has a way to put your emotions to words when you can’t.

They say (whoever they are) that “birthdays are good for your health.. people with more of them live longer.”

Sorry, lame joke, but for reals. This is why every year, every day, every moment, matters. We don’t know when our last day will be. All we know is now. So if you get another Birthday, CELEBRATE dammit! Hehehe

Reflect, learn, and be better. Not sure if you know this, but life isn’t a competition. What only matters is where each of us are going, and where our own paths lead us. Maybe thats why I love running, the only time to beat is what I ran last time. Me, my time.

Me, my life. You, your life.

Thankfully though, some of us will help and motivate each other through the next year. I love cheering at races and finish lines! I cry all sorts of happy tears, lol.

Be kind, celebrate yourselves, be present, and if you can, love, xoxo.

Cheers!

another anxiety post (unedited)

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I have such a hard time with people who don’t have the capacity to empathize with others, in this particular instance, I’m talking about mental illness. I don’t expect anyone to completely understand how this feels (unless they go through it themselves, of course, but even then, how it happens is different to everyone, and the outcomes are also different) but I always hope that the people around me are conscious enough to stay away from the obligatory: “But today is good right?” “Have you tried..” And the worse of them all, “It’s gonna be ok.”

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Not that people in my situation don’t know that things will eventually be ok, but that does not help the situation if someone is currently in a struggle. You have no idea how much I appreciate people who don’t try and give me advice, or try and  “fix” my issues. Because no one can fix them, it’s a mental thing! I am the holder of my thoughts, and it is I, who is the one who can “fix” anything, if there is anything that needs fixing, that is. But to those who listen, and talk through things, and share experiences themselves, no matter how relatable or not.. THOSE are my people. In life, we will never be able to save everyone, I learned that the hard way. But we can support, and accept, and LISTEN.

It took me a long time to realize that no one could “help” me. I kept thinking a boyfriend, or my friends, my Dr’s, my Therapist, were there to make this better and “fix” it. It was, not scary per say, but maybe.. no, it was a little scary, lol, but also enlightening to know I was the holder of my emotions, and that no one but myself can make me “better”. Not that others can’t help in other ways, but to assume an outside being was going to “save” me, that’s just pure cray, cray.

A wonderful person in my life talked me through and reminded me of all the good that happened this year because I was focusing so much on the downside, as this was a very difficult year emotionally. Lots of therapy, lots of anxiety, lots of depression, lots of loneliness. I did appreciate the talk, but also didn’t know how to vocalize that I know I am overly blessed. I know all the good, all the travel and amazing trips I went on this year, all the moments with my babies and watching them grow. Trust me, I know. I experienced them, I was there, lol. But thats the thing with mental illness, it pokes at the positives. I literally feel like I have a devil and an angel on my shoulders. There are days I have literally yelled (in my brain and even vocally) NOT TODAY SATAN!!

Over the weekend, I had another, lets call it.. episode. Doing something completely normal no less, and what I would consider an ideal situation. I was doing laundry on Saturday, and was pumped to find the laundromat empty with only about 3 people doing laundry. YES! Two of them were finishing up, and I had the place just about to myself.

When I started finishing up, the last person there had gone off, and it was wonderful and quiet, I live for these laundry days! UNTIL, out of nowhere, I became panicked. Any other day this moment was a moment of celebration, so I was yelling at my brain like, “The fuck bruh, why you stressin?!” And in the moments following, I had the biggest bout of anxiety with a fear that someone was going to come and try and steal me (for those who know anything about me, this is a normal, yet strange, fear of mine, lol – but it has never really created panic, its just been a thing I know about myself).

Anyway, I started rushing, kept breathing, focusing on my breath, I could feel my heart beating, I kept telling myself I’m fine.. and then RAN OUT OF THERE.

This, people, this is a snippet of what anxiety is all about. It is unexplainable to the masses, and many people think you’re cray. Like how do you explain this completely irrational moment to someone without feeling like an idiot?! Because I know the emotion is ridiculous, but I can’t always control it. And when things like this happen, I feel bad for myself, and sometimes end up in depression. I could barely get out of bed the next 38hrs. I do try and force myself out, to do an errand or two, but always end up home, and feeling trapped.

The night of this incident, I unexpectedly caught up with an old friend from college, and he said to me: “Wow, I never thought you had issues or anxiety over anything, you’re always so positive.” I laughed and said, “Yah, I’m that PSA where they say it’s “always the happy one, the funny one, the positive one.” But he actually had a hard time grasping that I, the positive one could feel and understand his issues so well. I never said this, but wanted to say, “Well, THAT’S HOW I understand so much!”

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This blog has turned from emotional venting, to relationship venting, (those posts always make me smile, lol) to dealing with anxiety. I guess it makes a little sense because life evolves, and just as this blog was intended, every moment of our lives is a new beginning, so it only makes sense that content also evolves.

But one thing will never change: Every moment literally is a New Beginning. And just like every moment of crippling anxiety, I have to remind myself, tomorrow can be, and will be different. This is why New Years is just a reason to party for me. So many times in life has a New Beginning not come on January 1st. Moving to SoCal is one of those moments, getting a new job is another. We don’t wait around and start our lives in January, so why the build up?

Anyway, I digress.. point of today was to share a story, to help maybe provide some more insight in the world of what people like me go through. Maybe this helps someone who thinks they are equally cray, I gotchu.

In a world trying to grow a culture of acceptance, remember those who do not show their illnesses, those who are embarrassed of their “problems”, those who don’t know how to explain what is going on. Be kind, be supportive, and sometimes, just be there.

Stay kind my friends, xoxo

❤