Category: quotes

a whole bunch of nonsense

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I feel so inclined to vent today.. It’s been one shit week let me tell ya.

But as angry, hurt, frustrated, just overly emotional as I am, today was an eye opener. I don’t really talk about what is going on with me unless people ask. I have this assumption (or should I say expectation?) that if someone wanted to know something about me, they would ask, right? Just as I ask how people are doing on a daily basis.

side note: Why do I keep thinking people are like me!?

Anyway – I was chatting with a co-worker this morning and he opened up about some personal struggles he was facing. I provided my support, and shared that it’s a very interesting time, because I have recently been experiencing some similarities with others I know. Very large personal changes happening, and none are on the side of positive at the moment.

As he continued to explain, I had a moment of gratitude.. That realization, which I try and remind myself often, is that there are worse things happening out there in the world than my own “problems”. And although this idea still causes anxiety and depression – because I think I can handle ANYTHING I tell ya! – it was still rather fascinating to me that life just never stops.

No matter what is happening – happiness, vacations, sadness, losing your job – whatever it may be, life is always just happening for others. I had this huge bout of anxiety a few weeks back because something was happening to everyone around me. New jobs, new apartments, babies, new relationships, you name it. Generally speaking, it was all good things at that time. And I wondered, “why am I stagnant?!” But I realize now, maybe it wasn’t stagnation, maybe I was just in preparation mode. Maybe it’s true,

all great changes

That’s it – for me it was internal chaos, but chaos nonetheless. And not to say I’ve got all things figured out, but I have definitely been doing things now, that I should have been doing weeks, if not, months ago.

In thinking about all that was happening with people around me, my focus shifted. I then finally realized where my anxiety stems from. People. Lol.. more so, I’m afraid to lose people. Most of you know relationships are important to me. But there always comes a time in all my relationships, especially friendships, where I start “expecting” things. And by “things” I mean behaviors. Again, I assume people are like me, or I assume the Golden Rule holds true.

The problem, as we know, is if everyone were doctors, we would have no firemen. So I don’t know why I begin to expect that people just turn into me with all my goodness and giving. They aren’t me. So what ends up happening, and hysterically enough this has happened to all my very best and closest friends, is that I feel like I’m losing them somehow. Because they aren’t “caring” about me as much as I care about them while life is happening to them.

As I was sitting here sipping my latte, I realized – In almost all my closest friendships there has come a point where I questioned the loyalty of said friend. I would get upset because they were not treating me, as I do them. And as we know, I’m a little extreme – I love without boundaries and give without cause. And in each of these friendships, I’ve pushed to the point of a sort-of exile – where I, in a sense, remove this person from my peripheral, thinking this will fix whatever underlying issue there is.

After hiding, (like with one friend, we stopped speaking almost 2 years) if all is meant to be, we usually find ourselves back, talk it out, and create an even stronger bond. And literally this has happened to all 4 of my closest friends. But why? Why did each friendship have to be “tested”?

expectation

The reality is, that things are happening all around us, to everyone around us, all the time. Change is inevitable, but that doesn’t mean your people have to, or will change. I also need to continuously remind myself that I am not like other people. I will always care more. But for some reason, I thought it was easier to shut people out than care sometimes, thinking this would ease the pain of potential “loss”. Though clearly it’s not the best route to show that you do care.. oops. I’m just glad that the handful of people I have kept, chose to keep me too. I’m worth it, I swear! 🙂

However, the one thing I need to work on are these “expectations”. I hate expectations! So I wonder why I have them with the people I care most about? This is definitely something I never came to terms with until now, which to me, is surprising. I guess better late then never.

So if I’ve ever kicked you down or become overly emotional because of my un-met needs, I apologize. I am the only person who can meet my needs, so I have to understand and trust to utilize my people for their strengths, just as they use me for mine. xoxo

#rantover

❤

available

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

(quote disclaimer – there are a few in this post. lol)

Why am I always available?

And by available, it’s more of a “making time” situation. The small amount of people I actually like, when any of them need me, I am always “available”.

calendarfriend

This ^^ I am the friend who never consults a calendar. Because people are more important than calendars. Time is only meaningful when you spend it properly. But why is it, that it’s only me who lives this way? I have wonderful, wonderful friends. People that, I don’t know how I could live without. People who have added value, meaning, or even just good company. Yet these same people never seem to be available when I need them. I either get no responses, or the usual “I’m busy.” But turn this around, and I am changing plans, picking up my phone, and getting the next possible second to give to these people. And I’m sure there’s a few of you who question: Who are these terrible friends? Or want to comment plainly: Find new friends.

Trust me, I have questioned and commented a few times to myself. And the hilarious part about this is, these same people wonder why I eventually lose it and sort of explode emotionally. And THEN it’s all: “What happened? Why are you so emotional? I’m sorry, I don’t understand.” I don’t want sorry – what I needed, was someone a week ago to talk things out with, you know, sort of what I do in return?! So that moments like this, don’t happen.

And to be honest, I have been told my friend “expectations” are a little high. The thing is, I don’t expect anything. It’s more an assumption (which I guess is just as bad) that the Golden Rule exists with people who matter most to you: Treat others as you want to be treated.

If I treated some people the way they treat me, i.e. as the rule states, how they “want” to be treated, I’d have no friends.

2744215-Jewel-Quote-Excuse-me-guess-I-ve-mistaken-you-for-somebody-else

Is that it maybe? I treat people assuming they are like me and can give me the same in return. But that’s why I am me, and you are you. So maybe that’s an expectation? I’m breaking my own rules. I do have to be better with understanding that people are not like me, and that’s what makes me wonderful. But at the same time, it’s a struggle emotionally to feel as loved as I make others feel.

weseethemasweare

And there it is, closure to this post. In the end, we see things the way we are. We see people how we want to see them. And we need to remember that reality is better than expectation.. or assumption even. And when we accept things as they are, it leads to better relationships and understanding all around.

I know I shouldn’t see people as I am, and this is why I’m still friends with people who don’t give me all that I need. At the same time, it leads me on a mission to find someone who can give me what I give in return. Is my emotional dopplegänger out there?! I don’t want to believe that I am the only giver-without-expectation person in the world. There must be more.. or we really do have a lot to worry about in the future.

❤

it’s MY anniversaryyy – as sang by Tony Toni Tone.. hehe

~ NewBeginnings ~ 1 Comment

Anniversary of my awesome birth, that is! 🙂

I have been sad because I have not had much “time” to blog as I would like. Work has been insane and I’m trying my darnedest to focus on a 10k I’m running in May. But I can never go a year without expressing my love, gratitude and some terrible opinions when my Birthday rolls around! Lol

Topic for this years Birthday post is: “Nevertheless, She Persisted” which I’m borrowing from the theme of the 10k I’m running! (It’s a womens run)

I have been overly grateful lately, due to many events that have happened which force me to realize where I have been and where I am now. Iv’e had many a person make statements relating to how they view my life:

I’m spoiled.

All I do is brunch and drink

I’m a snob because I live walking distance to a beautiful ocean

I have a perfect life

Ok, let me explain, I am spoiled. Lol – not out of chance, however, which I feel people forget.. But I spoil MYSELF from working my ass off on a weekly basis, into the evening even – just to have the things I have. I have debt people, and I still have bills to pay. It’s called budgeting.

I only brunch on the weekends, relax. 😉 And red wine is good for – life. Anyway – who the eff cares?! You wanna brunch?! Go effing brunch! I don’t quite understand how/why brunching and wine drinking are effecting the masses not actively involved in my life. And yes, I’m a relative food snob. I have learned what good food tastes like, and how it effects mood and your body as a whole. So yes, I prefer to eat, drink, and enjoy as best as I can afford.

Call me a snob all you want, but It’s not like I was just granted this life, like *poof!* here ya go Kara! ALL YOURS! Love, God. Nope, doesn’t work like that. As many know, I moved to SoCal with 3k, no job, no home, blah, blah, nothing. So to all of a sudden be a snob because I got a job that allows me to rent a studio – yes, I live in a studio by the water – means nothing. I know how to do math, and I wanted to live by the water.. so I get a studio, do laundry at a laundromat, and live the best bad-ass life with what I have. Did the universe or the Lord have something to do with my blessings? Maybe, but there is nothing in this world that is ever handed to us without effort.

And no. There is no perfect life.. we all know this. So why would you say this to anyone!? There are millions of things we don’t know about anyone’s life. Mine in particular, from abuse (in multiple forms), to anxiety, eating disorders, and depression. I was a broken and desperate person until I was about 26. I was lucky to have enough hope and love in myself to not turn into a drug-addicted stripper in Vegas.. Because that thought did cross my mind at one point.

So going into this new year.. at my very young age.. LOL, I am proud to look back and see that I never once allowed myself to be called a “victim” of anything. Whether it be my abuse, or of circumstance. I have never believed in “blaming” life on anything, or anyone. Or making excuses for who I am. I’ve made mistakes, more than I would like to admit, but every day is a New Beginning. The only person to be better than is yourself. Many people hate when I say that.. mainly because excuses and blame are an easy fix. “I have anxiety”, “I was abused”, “I have issues”. I know many wonderful people who have issues (lol, I mean who doesn’t!?) – who have anxiety, depression.. and they still wake up every morning with a mission to create – whether it be art, music, or their life ❤

This life is our choice. We choose our happiness, and if we are lucky enough for some great moments to fall in our laps, even better. But still.. if someone puts a cute puppy on your lap, it’s still a choice of whether you’re going to pet it or not. Hence, just like the outside assumptions of my life, nothing is just given. We still need to do something with what’s provided to us.

I-am-not-what-happened-to-me-I-am-what-I-choose-to-become.

So for my Birthday, I wish you all health, wealth, happiness, and more importantly, love. As much as I hate Valentine’s Day – I love LOVE! Because love in it’s pure form is a verb. An action word. You must love to be loved. And in my life, I kept choosing love. To love myself, to love my life. It was all I had sometimes to allow myself to wake up another day ❤

Cheers!

selfie sunday

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I sat at the beach this morning.. like I do many weekend mornings after, what I like to call Brunch but, what most would call Breakfast. The minute I sat down, the view took my breath away – honestly this happens a lot. And all I wanted to do was take a photo or some awesome contemplation-by-the-water-selfie to share. Because it’s moments like these where my coined hashtag #myeverydayisyourvacation is perfect.

But then I thought, “lol – am I just being an asshole every time I post that?” I try not to think I am, but I can definitely see how some people might be all “Oh look at her again.. this ocean in her back yard, brunch on the weekends, blah blah, life is perfect.”

And then, if you know anything about me, my next direct thought was: “oh who gives a sh*!” Lol

But for reals, none of my photos came out nearly as wonderful as what my eyes could see anyway. It was SO CLEAR to the North – I could literally see every beach-city landmark from Redondo to Malibu. And all my senses were taking in the, blue-r than normal, water and the warm sun hugging me in the cool breeze.

Thats where a new thought came to mind that one of my fave IG pages posted:

IMG_5115

I’ve had this conversation with many a people – but this here, entirely describes what we have become, and hopefully where we are going. Back to living our lives without justification. And don’t get me wrong, to share some amazing experiences is one thing, but to blast social media with “proof” of what you are doing on the daily is another.

It was a sign when all my tried photos failed. I didn’t need to share this with anyone, it was ME time. And for the next 32 minutes (I know that’s pretty exact, but when you live where meters run your plans, you understand lol) I lost track of time because I put my phone away, and the only reason I even looked at it was to check time.. because.. meters people!

Point is, I am blessed. I have the Pacific Ocean in my back yard at my disposal people, my backyard! Ok well, 1.5mi from my doorstep, but you get the idea. I run here, I meditate here, there are cafes and brunch spots. Sea breezes and sunsets. I literally live where people vacation, and I’m sad to admit, I get annoyed at the tourists. Stop littering in my backyard!

Anyway, my “normal” life may seem to be a sort of extreme to some, with this image of a SoCal lifestyle, but for me this is more than I ever imagined. Just 5 years ago, my plane landed (an hour late!) in the middle of the night, in the rain. I left the only life my adult-self knew. Right out of a 5yr relationship, and being 31yr old. People thought I was crazy. I thought I was crazy! I only had 3k to my name. No job, no home. If you have followed me all these years, you know the story.

So to find myself sitting, with the views that I have, and the access that I have to something SO amazingly beautiful, maybe it’s these moments we don’t need to bombard social media with. Because not everyone knows or understands where I have come from.

Because what’s another favorite to share?:

tell no one

People ruin beautiful things. I did my best to live this mantra ^^ this year.

I’m still going to try and live this way, year after year. In life, we only have so many people who we actually care to know our lives. Knowing this, why must we share everything to the masses? If you live properly, share amazing experiences, and create an impact, your story gets told by those closest to you. It is shared, and it’s for the world to find out naturally – not forced.

So live my friends! Live for yourselves. And don’t let people ruin your beautiful things.

 

❤

 

I wish you all #9

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

As some of you may know, I just came back from an enlightening trip to the Philippines. This was my first international trip, and I’ll be blogging specifically about that, hopefully soon.

During lunch today with a dear friend, however, I was re-living all my experiences and explaining all that I had seen. There are many, many things that I took away from this trip, and as we were immersed in conversation, per usual, the conversation turned to relationships. And by “relationships” I mean we discussed all types: friendship, societal expectations, family, and of course, romantic. It was, and still is difficult to explain properly in words all I experienced, but in terms of relationships, especially being “officially, officially” single for months now, (I finally let go after months of emotional suicide) there was sort of a fire re-ignited inside me about where I am and where I am going.. #hopelessromantic

While on vacation, I was in the midst of several conversations about relationships. In addition, I was able to observe a whole new culture of relationships. And coincidentally, on one of the last days, I was sifting through my FB looking over all the posts I was tagged in – and fell into my About Me page.. totally forgot about that.. like, does anyone have stuff filled out in there anymore? Apparently I do! Within this About Me page, there is a Quotes section in which I found this:

“from a blog titled: 10 Decisions that Change Your Life
#9. When you love who you actually love. I know it’s a simple observation, but one day it just hit me that people aren’t always together because they love each other. There are a thousand different reasons people get (and stay) together and some of them can be the farthest thing from love. If this is your truth, change it. Go love who you actually love. If you don’t know who that is yet, keep living, they will come.”

I don’t know why, but this hit me like that rock in shallow water that blew up my ankle on day 2 of vacation. Lol – Anyway, in terms of romantic relationships, I’m there. Or should I say, I’m STILL there. And honestly, if I look back far enough, I think I blogged about this in the past also. This is clearly a reoccurring theme in our society, (as that blog was posted in 2013 and it still rings true today) and I’m sure in most personal lives, not just mine. The funny thing this time, is that this gave me an, almost inappropriate, wave of hope. In life there are cycles, good and bad, good and bad.. but when it comes to matters of the heart, we for some reason refuse, or more so have a difficult time, removing the “bad”. We choose to hold on mainly because of fear of the unknown (which I point out later in this post). I remember being partially annoyed when I first read this back in 2013, because I kept seeing/hearing so many people complain about their relationships (which still happens today, of course) and when I would challenge them, it always came back to some strange conversation of: “I can’t find anyone else”, “I hate being single”, “But we’ve been together x amount of years”, or worse, “I have kids” (and this is not specific to married people btw).

The kid one, though, hurts my soul constantly. Probably because I come from divorced parents. And maybe I was just a super smart 2yr old, but I learned my parents were happier without each other, and thats all that mattered. There were no more fights. We were more a family separated than together. Like, you think your kids are thrilled when they see the two people who are supposed to be in love argue, bicker, and fight? How is that a healthy representation for your children to learn love? Instead they grow up with a sense of cynicism rather than understanding that patience, and not settling for anything less than happiness, is what they should strive for. What if your child was in your relationship? Would you want your daughter or son to be cheated on? Would you want your child to fight with their spouse/significant other on a daily basis and watch their unhappiness? Who wants that!? I don’t even want that for my friends, never mind loved ones.

On top of that, I learned a lot of life lessons. I learned that sometimes things just don’t work out, sometimes you make bad decisions, sometimes we just aren’t patient enough to wait for the right person because society pressures you, sometimes the person you love doesn’t love you back. And sometimes, it’s just that you realize it’s not a fairytale – and that’s ok, because in some instances, with patience, understanding, and communication, you can create or even re-invent your own story of love and happiness.

 

  • side note – I understand that with relationships it’s not black & white, and there are a multitude of things we can dig into: past and present personal issues, struggles, communication, and even love languages, to help some people love and continue to love. But my focus here is the generalization of how people get into and stay in relationships without love to begin with, and to challenge and question: WHY!?

 

And I mean, lets be real, the divorce rate is a clear representation that people get and stay together for many reasons other than love. Maybe it’s not so much of a bad thing after all – because so many people end up finding their “true love” in later years. But imagine if we all were just a little more patient.. we could have found that person earlier perhaps, and spent more wonderful years together.

I, myself, am also a wonderful divorcé – and maybe it’s because I went head-first into fear that I learned what real love is. Because that’s all it is essentially – FEAR. We are all afraid of being alone so we settle. We are even afraid because, WHAT IF IT DOESN’T WORK OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE?! << Funny how that is a fear, yet many times we are dealing with something that isn’t working out! But that last line in that post: “If you don’t know who that is yet, keep living, they will come.” They will! The problem is patience with timing.  If some of us just waited another day, another year or two, or three even, we could be with that love. We could have that story, and it may even resemble a fairytale.

So, my friends, I wish you #9 – and if you get a chance, click the link and check out the rest of the blog post – it’s a nice quick read and a wonderful reminder that although we may not have control over life, we can control ourselves, and how we react to it.

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” -Lao-Tzu

Love and be loved, my friends.

❤

 

I’m mad at my horoscope..

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Lol who else loves a good ‘ol Horoscope?!

As much as they are “for entertainment only”, theres definitely some truth in the stars. People born at certain times of the year carry similar traits. My close circle of friends, for example, are pretty much born in Fall and Winter. Spring babies I’ve always had a harder time understanding, and Summer babies, (Leo’s in particular it seems) are always an extreme – as in extreme likeness, or extreme dislike – there never seems to be a balanced energy with summer babies.

Anyway, I believe in the stars because, well, God made them, so they have to mean something, amiright?! Just as weird things happen during a full moon, and seasons change, our universe is based on cycles of life.. the up, the down, the end, the beginning. This is why I enjoy horoscopes – they provide a dialogue, however true or untrue, that uses the universe’s energy to explain why we do things and what we could possibly do. Because another truth is certain: we all have feelings, and we all create an energy, and this energy affects our surroundings.

So in one of my recent horoscopes, I think was for last week? Or the week before.. It talked about how I need to get myself out there, hang out with different people, and be social, “It’s your time to shine Aquarius!” And as I found myself immersed in plans, weekend after weekend all through June.. I realized something: As much as being social is an act of togetherness, and putting oneself out there, the people you surround yourself with really make a difference. Just because you are surrounded or engaged with the people around you, doesn’t mean they are good for you. And I think that’s the part I’m having trouble with. I don’t like to say people are “bad” necessarily, but not all people are good for YOU. As people, we are different for a reason, we can’t all be doctors or there would be no lawyers, firemen, teachers, etc.. you get my point. When it comes to the people in your life, Robin Williams said it best:

9628-Robin-Williams-Quote-I-used-to-think-the-worst-thing-in-life-is-to

So knowing the people who provide support, encouragement, and positive energy that compliments your own is important. And I’m not talking specifically about “your people” or your “inner-circle” necessarily. In general, we meet people all the time, and finding out or feeling that some people just aren’t what you need is ok. To consciously continue to surround yourself with the people “who make you feel all alone” is something to be mindful of. Keep in mind, just because these people aren’t good for you, doesn’t mean they aren’t perfect for someone else. That’s how the universe finds balance. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure, amiright?

And this is why I am mad at my horoscope. Lol! Lately, I have been hanging out with so many different people, groups, and parties of my life, and I am now seeing that some people who I thought were “good” for me, actually aren’t. A few that I thought were a support system, actually mock me from behind. And it’s better to know these things of course, but damn that horoscope, if I just kept to myself and my 3 people I like, lol, I would still be living, (sort of a lie I guess) believing everyone is still amazing! And it’s not so much as we all can’t get along, because we can.. It’s just sad to know that I now have to be careful with some people vs others. Because, I at least, still believe in being kind, but that doesn’t mean everyone else is kind.

So per usual, I hope when you read this, it’s a reminder of the good people in your life, and also a side note to try a leave the others alone. More importantly, take a moment and reflect – just as some people are not good for you, you are also not good for some people. Accept that, and understand it’s better to focus on those who don’t feel alone with you ❤

 

 

 

 

 

take care of yourself

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

So I started back at yoga last week! How pumped is everyone about that!?

Lol 🙂 I was going to dive into a 30 day challenge.. and honestly, if I still hold onto that challenge, I’m doing better than when I actually (over)paid to do an actual challenge about 2 years ago. Last time I made it 12 days straight.. then took a day or 5 off.. and ended up only making it through 17 classes in total. So far with this personal challenge, I have gone to 5 classes in the last 7 days, not including today – although I will probably still end up taking 5 classes again this week. So if my math is good, I’m on schedule to make it to about 20 classes this 30 days vs the 17 I did last time. I call that progress!

More importantly, I’m listening to myself. I have a tiny smile in my heart because I am doing what is good for me, and my body. I am actually making time for myself. I actually made plans around my yoga schedule! I think my mindset adjusted a little because so far, in all my classes, (I tried hot-yin too!) all my instructors have ended the final savasana with saying: “Thank yourself for coming to yoga, for taking care of yourself.”

LOVE THAT! Because it’s so true in anything you do – especially physical. I know there are some people who enjoy working out, but let’s be real.. there are definitely some sucky workouts. Sometimes it’s just a bad day, you didn’t drink enough water, your muscles are more tight than usual and you don’t understand why, you are just tired. But any workout should be viewed as a success! Thank yourself for it! Because it’s so true when they say (whoever they are..) “No matter how slow you go, you are still lapping everybody on the couch.”

LOVE THAT too! The point is in those savasana words: Thank yourself.. for taking care of yourself.. I don’t know why it took those words for me to understand that workouts and exercise are more than just looking good – because I knew that already – I guess I just never believed it. Because this will be a slow process, but the way I feel after just one week so far, proves that the rest will come. Seeing changes is motivational, but feeling a change, creates longevity, consistency, and continued progress. Because when you feel good about something, you want to keep doing it, amiright!?

On top of feeling good, another thing the instructors say a lot is: “Listen to your body, not your mind.” Because your mind will sometimes tell you, you can’t, but your body can.. and more so, listening to your body will tell you how far you can actually go. For you mental people, another side of this is, sometimes your brain thinks you can but then you injure yourself or push too far. It’s a balance – your mind is logic, but your body will never lie to you. And so that is why I’m sitting in a cafe typing this afternoon/evening. My body didn’t feel that great today for some reason. Maybe it was the recent, drastic, change in the weather? I’ll be in bed early tonight for sure. But in taking care of myself tonight, here’s to feeling better tomorrow to tackle my Tuesday double! I take a 60min Bikram-inspired class (it only adjusts two postures, and removes a second set for the rest) and then 60min hot-yin! It’s a great Tuesday night combo, I feel so amazing after! Tired, but amazing 🙂 It’s like my push for the week, on a Tuesday no less, but then the rest of the week feels easy!

So here’s to listening to yourself and taking care of yourself. Health (and by Health I also include mental-health) is a constant struggle for most of the United States, and I truly hope those of you reading this has something, or finds something, that makes you feel good. Whether it’s yoga, running, volleyball, whatever, just take care of yourselves. Do something good for you, and your body. Find your balance. Our time here is short as it is, might as well try and add one more day to it. And more so, feel good about everyday and find more meaning.

#namaste

 

 

my biggest flaw

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I, for some reason, had an urge to share today, and as I learned from my blog challenge, I will listen!

In regards to the title of this piece, ask anyone who may know me even a little bit, and I have an inkling they will all say my biggest “problem” or “flaw” is I care too much. Many times it’s about things that, “don’t matter” or “shouldn’t matter”. Or more so, about people who “don’t deserve” it.

Good thing I don’t listen to anyone – maybe that’s another “flaw” lol.

I went to church for the first time in a long time, at my own will even.. << this is a rare occurrence. I was born and raised a Catholic – I still have those services memorized and engrained in my brain.. with the OLD language I might add – none of this “new” Catholic church language for me! lol (totally aging myself here). And let’s be clear, I have nothing against Catholics at all, but structure and methodology only speak to me in yoga. In religion, the only consistent “rules” you should find, are: to Love one another, and Worship he/she who takes care of you. (I say he/she because for many it is the Universe and Mother Earth who takes care of you, and that’s ok – because honestly, the lines of creationism and evolution are very much able to be seen as intertwined, so I never really understood how people could separate the two if you believe in anything bigger, outside of yourself.)

Anywhooo – I am in the process of trying a few congregations to see what feels best for my needs. Until this point, I haven’t been able to find anything ‘inviting’ per-say, since I moved away from Orange County. Not sure where this urge came from, but I gladly accepted it. This particular service that I went to over the weekend, (and I’m sure God knew) was legit, EXACTLY what I needed to hear. Everything from trusting the Lord, to reverting back to old ways because it’s “comfortable” versus taking yourself out of comfort for something larger.

It was relevant in so many ways about how as humans we are all flawed and don’t naturally love or forgive – we feel hate, revenge, bitterness.. And there was a moment where the pastor said something like, “And that’s why I’m not Jesus”, and some one out there let out an “Amen!” which created some laughter because then the pastor stated, “You didn’t have to say it THAT loud”, lol. I mention this because I am hard on myself, and this was a wonderful reminder that yes, I am not God, I am not Jesus, I am NOT perfect. But being imperfect doesn’t mean you can’t at least try to be better.

I have prayed many-a-time to “not feel”. Yet after this weekend I wonder, why is feeling a flaw?! Most sermons consist of learning to forgive, and to love, and to not judge – because we, as humans, naturally do the opposite when we are hurt, embarrassed, or feel threatened. I realized, maybe I’m a better person than I think I am – I am loyal even to those who are not loyal to me, I make time when someone asks something of me, even if they have not given the same in return. And again, if you look deeper here, yes, this leads me to over-give myself without taking..

But c’mon let’s be real here – is the act of taking really something we see of value? That we are proud of? I would hope not, but I understand the concern of [my people] because there “should” be balance – but seriously, those who tell me I give too much.. each and every one of those people were not there for me at one time or another when I needed them. So what does that say about them? If I listened to the people I care about, I shouldn’t give to them either! Because even the closest, most chosen-family of [my people], are still not there for me when I need them sometimes. Because again, we are human, we are not perfect. And trust me, I still wish I didn’t care as much about anything than I do – but I’ll tell you right now, the people I make myself available for, or give to, feel better than when I’m not available, and I definitely feel good knowing I have helped in some way. So it’s a win-win. To always worry about oneself leads us into those moments where we have to look ourselves in the mirror again. Pain and bitterness, as crazy as it sounds, is easy. To be angry and bitter takes no effort – but to love.. if you’ve loved anything, or anyone, you know this is a daily choice – daily, constant, effort. And this is why people tell me I’m crazy to care because I do exert a lot of energy, never mind time to those I care most about.

In the end, moral of the story of the service this past weekend was making sure you are listening for the whispers of God (listen to what the Universe is telling you!) – this I have a hard time with. The pastor continued with, if you don’t listen to the whispers, God may have to sort-of slap you in the face with the message. Blessing in disguise, if you will (or karma, amiright?!) So this made me see myself, where I am, what I do, and if I was “comfortable”. If I was doing things out of comfort because I am in a stressful moment of my life. Was I reverting back to “old” ways? Was I doing things that weren’t really making me better, but just fulfilling an empty space for now? I stopped caring for a little bit, I did things, and planned things in my brain that brought me back to another time. A time of pain. I tried to expose this “better” side of me – which was a complete lie. But I did book an amazing trip out of it, lol (which now I question if it was the right choice?) This past weekend made me care again. Not gonna lie, I didn’t really like it, lol. But if it is my calling to care, then by all means, I will care. Maybe that’s my life’s tragedy: The girl who cared to much. What were those lyrics by The Band Perry?

“Here lies the girl whose only crutch,
Was loving one man just a little too much”

Now don’t be vain, this song isn’t about you.. Lol – but more so meaning there’s my crutch. I give, and I give. I love, and I love. I give to a lot of people who don’t give back. People I love, people I call family. People who think they give enough to me.. but they don’t. This will always be an imbalance in my life. And if I can accept that of others of whom I know are not perfect, then I truly hope if one of you are reading this, that you understand, I will keep caring, and I will keep giving. And I, too am not perfect. And maybe the rest of you readers are like – damn girl, get some new people in your life! Lol! Trust me, I thought that many times – and honestly, I have made some adjustments along the way.

But for those who may have thought that, if you look around you, none of your people are perfect too. But they are your people. For whatever reason they have stuck by your side through good, bad, ugly, and even nasty. And thats why, even if your circle is small, theres always one other person who picks up pieces when another person drops them. We have these people because there is not one person who can fill every crevice of your heart and life. We have friends, we have family, we have children, and parents.. and even pets. And I am blessed to be the pick-er-upper for my people.

Now, if I could just find the right path for my life, that would be awesome..

 

🙂

..let it rain

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

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Love this! I found this as I wanted to talk about time..for one thing, this perfectly describes the weather today 🙂 but more so, my current idea of ‘time’.

I mean, can we just talk about how we wake up, blink, and it’s all of a sudden 7pm?! Like, what did I even DO today!? Maybe it’s the feeling of being at work for 8 hours that takes away the meaning of a day.. and by ‘meaning’ it’s not to say that the day doesn’t mean anything, it’s just that when it goes by, I almost feel like I missed out on living.

Because for real, as much as I love Fridays when they come, I also love Mondays, and Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays.. Because everyday is important – so how all of a sudden do I feel every day just slipping away? It’s like the days have just gotten faster on me.

So this rain quote I found, one that I now love, sort of presents a good way to look at time. As time goes by, let it go. Because we can’t control it, it will just keep going without us! Let’s remember to see days as moments, not minutes. Even through a stressful workday, find time (how ironic) to make moments – coffee moment, co-worker moment, moment for yourself.

As time keeps moving on without our permission, all we can do is make moments to keep us feeling alive. It’s a great reminder to be present, let it rain, let time go, be grateful for the weather, be grateful for now.

 

🙂

40 days and 40 nights

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

My dad is in town, and for those who are reading this and know me, that means church on Sundays! I mean, I have gone to church without my father before, but those churches are not Catholic churches. And while I can’t say I “enjoy” being in a Catholic church and all that structure and feeling like God is always angry.. It is slightly comforting to still know by heart every bit of every prayer, (with old-school language I might add.. I never learned these “new” words they have updated to) and to sort of reminisce about grade school.

So let’s just talk about with how happy I was just for the fact that today was the first Sunday of Lent! A couple quick things here, I love the season of Lent and I am also a believer of a higher power – one of which I call God. Also, I’m not quite sure how I feel about churches, but I have always found it endearing how people find comfort in feeling a part of something by “praying” together. (This is a whole other post in itself) And let’s be clear here – I am a believer, but I am not by any means, telling any of you to believe something that you don’t. Nor am I trying to persuade – I like to believe I am a proper Christian who lives by the choice that God gave us, to believe or not to believe. Therefore, I am no judge or a prophet – I just hope you all are good people, but if you aren’t a good person.. I may judge a little bit lol 😉

Anywhoo – Lent! Yay for lent! Lol I love this time of year because as I explained, with much more sarcasm and swear words, to a dear friend of mine: It gives me a reason to challenge myself, make me a better person. And for me, because I do feel this sort of, “higher meaning” behind it, I actually stick to it. My percent of failure at what I have chosen for Lent every year is probably an average of about 90% success.. There have definitely been years where I have given up, or slipped, but more times than not, I uphold the challenge and am sometimes sad when it’s over, because I want to know how long I can REALLY go without bread before I break into a bakery in the middle of the night just to smell it!

I continued the conversation by saying to her, (she who is not a church-goer or religiously inclined per say) I think this is a great personal experience for everyone to go through because whether a believer or not, the point in Life, or with God’s work, is to challenge ourselves. To make ourselves better, to find fulfillment and find a bigger purpose than just – wake up, work, die. Now I’m not saying Lent changes lives and makes us all open non-profits to save babies, or puppies, or trees, but what I am saying is that giving yourself a challenge during Lent or in August, whenever you want, proves to yourself what you are capable of. I like the season of Lent however, because one: I follow it anyway, and two: a lot of people seem to, even if they aren’t exactly religious, so thats a great support system for any challenge you put yourself into these next 40 days (or 36 now if you want to get technical). It’s a great way to help each other and hold ourselves accountable. And here’s a wonderful quote I found about Lent:

“It’s almost looked at as a sort of “spring-cleaning” for your life.” heavy.com

I thought that article was a nice, little, quick explanation of Lent, and have I mentioned that quote is wonderful?!

I pretty much did a “Spring Cleaning” at home yesterday! Lol – Imagine doing that with your life once a year. Like a 3 day cleanse to kick start better eating, Lent gives us a reason to challenge oneself in hopes to kick start into something better ahead.

And again,  if you feel strongly about staying as far away from any religious ties, pick a different time of year – your birthday, an anniversary.. I just challenge you.. to challenge yourself! I feel like if we challenged ourselves more often, we may see new sides of ourselves – We would view life and/or certain situations differently. Just like with me, as mentioned a couple days ago, I like challenging myself anyway, new yoga class, pushing to a 10k run, whatever. This blog post is day 5 of a “blog challenge” I gave myself after my “quote challenge” from my Birthday month! So ok, I’m a little bit of an overachiever when it comes to challenges.. Lol. But just as I found some insight from the quotes I found in February, I am seeing a new determination during this “blog challenge” that I haven’t had in some time. I’m using my brain differently on a daily basis trying to think of something to share – it makes me look at every day differently, thinking.. how can I tell this story? Or even if I have a frustrating day, this challenge forces me to at least share that frustration in words even if it’s written poorly.

The point is, it’s making me DO vs just thinking about it. I had been frustrated at myself for not keeping up this blog and writing to my full potential. And honesty, I was super scared I wouldn’t have enough material for 31 days – OMG. I literally JUST realized I began this blog challenge on the first day of LENT! Ash Wednesday was March 1st this year! WHA?! I’ve been challenging myself from the start! Never mind the bread thing! 😀

That seriously just made my day! Ok so to finish up here, I hope you all take from this an idea of a challenge. Whether it’s giving up bread (harder than it looks I tell ya), taking a 30-day yoga challenge, or taking the GMATs (go big or go home amiright?!). Whatever it is, I hope you find something new, something that makes you think a little bit differently about what is around you, something that makes you proud of yourself ❤

Good Luck! 🙂