Category: life

just another random sunday..

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Being sick just weeks before Thanksgiving really made me stop to re-group. I have a trip planned to visit my brother and his farm of children for the holiday (there’s four of them), never mind the pre-made plans I have to meet up with a friend visiting from out of state just days before that! I just can not socially afford to be sick right now. Also, being this the first time I’ve been sick since becoming single was sorta making the whole situation worse.. but at the same time, made me focus more on kicking this thing.

Anyway, I have done absolutely nothing this weekend. And by nothing, I mean I slept in as long as I could on Saturday and forced myself out of the house for a few hours just not to feel emotionally miserable. I’ve been living off of vitamin C, soup and tea, and the extra sleep definitely did a body good. Waking up today (Sunday) was a relief. Knowing myself, however, I knew not to get too excited because my normal protocol when feeling better is usually to go do a MILLION things. Why? you may ask.. well.. because I’m feeling better dammit, I can do anything! Right? Thankfully, I have learned that never works, because I usually end up ill for about 5 more days when I push it. So instead, to fill my need of adventures and activities, I went to breakfast at my favorite diner with the roommate, and then like a good little sick girl, took myself back home. Understanding my need to get better, I decided this is a perfect opportunity to finally unpack the residual boxes that had been collecting dust in my bedroom.

**Note: I moved over a year ago.. no big deal. Can we say procrastination?

This residual mess I had just sitting in my room was a number of things – divorce papers, tax documents, a lot of pictures, books, and some random things. I had recently been given a much-needed book shelf (recent = 3 months ago – just emphasizing my procrastination haha) and finally put it to good use.

In my sorting, dusting, and organizing.. I ran into several things that made me wonder why I kept any of this stuff. Of the questionable items were pictures, (ugh unfortunately many of them) of a lot of exes. Some still providing great memories, while others reminding me why I’m crazy sometimes. This got me to thinking.. should I just shred all this? Now mind you, I’m a memory keeper – meaning that I have about 6 memory boxes starting back from college, (thats about 15 years worth – ewww I’m showing my age haha!) and I still save stuff to this day – cards, pictures, ticket stubs, event tickets, you name it, if I think it holds some sort of value to my life, then it’s a keeper.

The stuff that sort of pinches my insides are the hardest – do I keep it as a reminder? To remind myself what never to do again? Or is it worthless because I mean, in the end, who is gonna keep it all anyway?! You see, never mind myself, but there are photos from weddings of friends who are also now divorced, many of those friends I don’t even talk to or even know where they are anymore. Photos of trips, and events with exes, other family member exes.. etc.. so strange. Again, some of them were great to remember.. others, (honestly, I’m pretty proud of myself for this – I had already cut out the exes from the photos or just removed them and stuck them in a ‘random’ pile. Yup, I was that girl – I will cut you out of pictures.. Mmwuaahahaha!) those others.. they just, I don’t know, it wasn’t pain, it was more annoyance. I kept saying, Ugh, jerk – never again! Haha, but for my soul, it was a great reminder of how much better my choices have been. To be clear, I did decide to shred some photos.. of duplicates, and some that just had no need to stay in my brain’s ‘memory box’.

Thankfully with technology, (or maybe NOT thankfully..) nowadays, the most you can do is delete photos anyway – yet as we have learned – they are never deleted for good. Which I guess sort of helps my idea of saving of such things that, Hey, if the internet keeps it forever, I guess I can too. It was definitely a strange journey through the pictures that start from the 6th grade – when I was still living in SoCal (the 1st time) – I pretty much spent about 2 hours reliving my entire late childhood and my transition into adulthood. Gonna be honest, it was slightly awkward at times haha. I had some good stuff to show my roommate too, and overall, I was pretty happy to finally get through it. Honestly, there was a part of me that was scared at what I’d find. But hey, if wedding certificates paper-clipped to divorce decree’s aren’t scary anymore, then really, what could possibly be in there that could still scare me?

I guess my point in all this, even for someone like me who loves tomorrow – I am a planner by nature, and you can’t plan without tomorrow! You also can’t have new beginnings without today! – As much as we/I want to keep yesterday far behind us and focus on the now..and plan for tomorrow.. the past never seems to go away.. Sometimes it even finds you after a few years just to remind you of how far you’ve come – or maybe for some, and in some cases for me – to show you how much further you can go. It’s a crazy life we live, and all you can do is keep learning, keep trucking, keep remembering that it is all yesterday. We are constantly in the past, in yesterday.. That second it took to write that last sentence, yup already the past. Interesting isn’t it? So why be afraid of it? We are constantly living in it.

See what happens when I get sick? I think too much. Happy random Sunday!

Cheers!

where is my passport?!

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Wholly mollies saturday! Car is ready to be traded in – clearly haven’t gone through my trunk since it went cross-country :/ , now i just have to buy a car!

Laundry done, donation drop off at Salvation Army done, wild search for my old passport that brought me into old memory boxes full of hysterical things plus old journals.. (passport not found 😦 ) done.. but going through these had me realize that I have lived (and am still living apparently..) a very amazingly heart wrenching, yet incredibly interesting, and crazy life.

I have been saving things since high school and writing in a journal since the 6th grade.. and I am still boy-crazy, a fool for love, never satisfied, looking for new adventures, and in the darkest of times.. which sadly there seem to be many of those.. I am strangely overly positive and optimistic. This last characteristic surprised me honestly, because I am very much a realist. 99.9% of the time look at both sides of a situation before determining a thought or reaction to feeling. So yes, this surprised me. Another thing to point out there is that I seemed to have many sad, dark times.. But again, in reading my vintage words, I also have never been so hopeful for tomorrow.

This sort of hit home.. literally, because I am home! (bahaha my version of a joke) but for real.. because I am currently sliding into a valley in this life of hills. It brought to light how, even throughout the ups and downs, I am for some reason disgustingly grateful for my life. I’m serious. I know there are people out there who think my life is perfect and “shut up about being blessed and grateful already Kara, gah!” And when I have troubling times I swear people think it’s just like a #whitepeopleproblems moment.

But like all people I have a dark side. I have skeletons, and just because I find a way to control them does not mean I don’t feel them or deal with them daily. I’m just happy that for whatever reason, my hidden positivity comes out when I need it most. Although I wish it was out more than just that, but I guess the realist in me doesn’t find sense in that either.

So here’s to a productive and meaningful Saturday.. in the obscene SoCal heat.. where I can now pretty much smell my sweaty self.. (WHY MUST IT BE SO HOT?! IT’S SEPTEMBER! #sweatingballs) Looks like a shower is in my near future.. and a decision on my afternoon activities.. And also.. where IS that damn passport?! 😦

Cheers!

is 1 really the loneliest number?

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About a week ago on the infamous FB, I posted something along the lines of :

“why is it when I want to be alone, there’s always someone asking to do stuff.. then when I want to hang out with people.. no one is around! 😐 #gah #oppositesattract #boredpost”

And this idea got me thinking.. When this sort of thing happens.. and I feel like its been happening more frequent lately.. is it the universe trying to tell me something? Do I need this time to be alone and reflect? Do laundry? Read? Find life’s purpose? Anything!? Because sometimes we need alone time and I get that. And sometimes maybe we need it forced on us because life can be a constant GO.. and we lose track of.. well.. life. I definitely enjoy it when I need it. Whether it’s yoga at 8am, breakfast by myself, or reading & writing time at the cafe.. lets be honest.. I even enjoy alone time at the cafe just merely surfing the web and following up on Facebook and Pinterest :p Point is, does the universe ‘force’ this type of thing on us because there is something we are missing and maybe need to notice? I don’t know, but I will definitely re-think those ‘where is everyone?!’ moments and evaluate.

The other thought that came to mind was.. ‘Ok, if I’m not supposed to have alone time, is this a sign to re-evaluate the people that surround me?’ This idea resonated more when I was in the midst of a 2hr late-night conversation with a dear friend of mine who I would literally pay $470 to fly 5hrs.. across the country.. just to attend a party for one night.. (literally still ironing out the details there!) Anyway, as we were chatting, we talked about how relationships change, and how sometimes our perceptions of some relationships also change. And we talked about my FB post and mentioned what I wrote in the first sentence of this paragraph – should I re-evaluate the people around me? Because the thought behind this is.. if this is some sort of new trend occurring more frequently then usual, maybe it isn’t me.. maybe it’s the company I don’t keep. Because the coincidence of me being unavailable or another person being unavailable is normal and understanding.. but to have several people coincidentally unavailable while I am just chillin’ by myself is, well, interesting.

So again, I’m not quite sure which way I am falling.. However I will say this – In the recent incidences of this happening I utilized my time for added alone-ness and life reflection and questions of self-improvement.. but I have also reconsidered my feelings for a handful of people in my life. Life is a constant change – good, bad, and indifferent – although each of those many will argue are based on perception.. I feel all change is good in some way. Whether we see is now or later, whether it hurts or massages the soul.. being able to walk through a new door/day can never be bad.

So yes, per usual, I will look at both sides.. and well maybe, that was the point of this all along. Maybe this has been happening more frequent because I need to do both. There are a million sayings about people that come into your life.. you cross paths for many reasons.. and many aren’t meant for forever, but just for a purpose.. whether to learn something or whatever.. One thing I definitely got out of that 2rh late-night conversation was that whatever the reason.. one thing is true, we all just want to be happy. And to be happy, we need to create happy surroundings.. whether it’s your work, your hobbies, yourself, and/or your people.

cheers!

bon anniversaire! (deux)

~ NewBeginnings ~ 2 Comments

whoaaa.. look at me go!

Play on words there people – because its not a birthday, it is an anniversary. But aren’t anniversaries just that? Birthdays.. for events?! hehe

Today marks one year saying yes to consciously hanging out on the reg with one of the most super-awesome people ever.. who has tested my patience from our very first conversation. Haha 😀 It’s true though. It’s been a hysterical year really, normal ups and downs.. and realizations. A year I thought I’d never see come full circle honestly.. but gosh darn it, am I blessed or what?! And boy has it been worth every second.

No matter where this relationship takes us.. to forever.. or just a “forever within the numbered days”.. 😉 Not only will it have been/be a pleasure to spend the time with this person, but also a privilege. Our friendship alone is better than most relationships.. (we are kind of amazing 😉 ) never mind the possibilities of tomorrow.

I have met a lot of great people in my day, but never have I met someone with such a beautiful soul, who is hysterically funny, with such GORGEOUS eyes.. (HAD to!) But really – even through some of the downs.. its a funny thing when you learn something from what you sometimes find as a fault. Like saying ‘sorry’. Mind.Blown.

I love this person, and I love how careful they are. How considerate, thoughtful, immensely smart, understanding, strong – in all ways, and focused they are. Most importantly, for me, patient – as you know, I’m kind of a handful, and somewhat.. crazy? haha 😉

So here’s to a tiny milestone in this thing we call life.. Here’s to more FUN runs, gin/vodka-waters, Whole Foods experiences, bad horror movie watching, emoji faces, and, of course, adventures! I can only pray I’m lucky enough to have even more of them.

To me, to you.. to US.. Cheers ❤

mush.

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

That’s exactly how my brain feels this week..

I had forgotten my study materials at work this afternoon, and so to my frustration of not being able to study (I mean how SAD is that?! I was upset about NOT studying!? sheesh) I decided to head into the internet hands first! with a glass of wine in one of them, of course..

And with hesitation (since it had been so long) I came back onto my wordpress page. Whoa. I mean, this might not mean much to others, but man, was I absolutely SHOCKED to see that people had still been.. reading..!? I have not written in probably over 4 months.. although I’ve had an itch to.. but ‘life happened’.

And it was a great life I might add.. I got a new job.. which is where 90% of my time at the moment has been immersed into. You see, I have these awesome exams I need to take in order to hold licenses. And boy, let me tell you! Licensing exams are just a bucket o’ fun! {insert sarcasm here} Especially when they run between 3-6hr long (depending on the license). I’m currently studying for my 2nd, and hopefully final, exam for a while..

Anyway, this job literally has changed my life. I can’t say I love it however, one day I may.. and I know that sounds crazy because you are thinking.. wtf?! how can this change your life and you NOT love it!? Explanation: This job allows me to do the things I love.. and things I have never been able to do. It has made me more grateful that I ever thought I could be. I know it’s kept me from my writing, which is definitely something that I love, but with most things comes sacrifice.. and that usually doesn’t last long. Like studying.

This job has provided me the opportunity to do things I never thought I could.. like buy a friend dinner without counting my pennies. or buying a second pair of theatre tickets because me and my friend are sort of idiots and showed up at the wrong show time.. AND not even being upset about it. Better yet, buying a plane ticket to visit my brother and his farm of 4 kiddos without even flinching! (I haven’t seen them in 2 years!) And I know money does not solve world problems, it doesn’t even solve all of mine. Mind you, I’m no millionaire.. I can’t even say I’m thousand-aire status.. but the little I have compliments the humble lifestyle I live, and in turn, provides me opportunities that I never had before.

Second, and more importantly.. the reason I can’t say I love this job. I don’t love it, I appreciate it. It requires me to work on things I struggle in. So, when my natural talents emerge they are more prominent than my opportunities, and in turn, makes me realize how much better of a person I can be.

Even my health habits. When I am stressed, I am in the no-fun-zone. I stress eat.. and with stress eating, comes bad eating habits.. with bad eating habits come de-motivation.. and so on. I went running for the first time in 4 months this past weekend. Man did it hurt. I was sore for two days. And I loved it. I was partially sad too, just at the fact that I had allowed myself to let it go this far. But again, it made me realize I could be better.. It made me appreciate the hard work I put into myself the past year and motivated me to find better solutions to combatting stress.

You see.. this is life’s paradox: you become grateful and more appreciative of things when you have them less, or they are taken away. I never understood why.. why can’t we be grateful everyday? but its something I think no one can understand. And it’s the little things. Like writing for me. I had this awful feeling like I was letting my journal down the minute I realized how long it had been since I last scribbled a pen in it. But the minute I can’t study for the second largest exam of my career (eek!) I head straight back to my happy place. (It’s a strange balance that is difficult to find.. needs/wants.)

And just like I mentioned in the beginning of this post, I almost shed a tear seeing that people were still reading, even though my head was in books the past 4 months trying to absorb more knowledge in fields that do not come natural to me. I appreciated every single reader.. I even said “Thank you” when I looked at the past months and saw that there were still interested parties out there. To those little things I thank this job.

Once all this studying is over and I’m back to running 2 days a week, yoga 3, and volleyball on the weekends (or any sort of combination really 😉 ) and back to me-time at the cafe with my laptop, journal and cappuccino.. I hope I start to love my job. Everything is still fairly new.. but I hope I eventually end up where I am meant to be.

No matter what.. I’m just happy that it’s still the little things that keep me thankful, grateful, and appreciative of of all the good.. and even the stressful.

 

Cheers!

the longest facebook post ever.

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Now don’t get upset, but this won’t be about the longest fb post ever.

Honestly, I’m partially happy that I didn’t go fb-happy during the holidays this year and here’s why..

I was too busy actually spending time with people.

And let me tell you, I tried! Hahaha I did.. part of me started getting frustrated at the fact that I was unable to post all the pictures and all my annoying Christmas, i.e. Jesus’ Birthday, cheer and New Years hopefulness. For the first time in a long time, I felt it was more important to actually absorb everything around me instead of trying to let people (who could prob care less anyway) know what I was doing, and how exciting! it all was.

I totally understand the concept and the importance of social media so don’t get me wrong. I understand that without it, friendships may not have been saved, or long-distance family time would be more than scarce. Trust me, it helps me everyday keep in touch with my long-distance loves ❤ I also know many a people who have met loves of their lives on social networks. But I also know how it has ruined relationships and hindered actual social lives.

If you have read anything of mine, you will know that I feel the spirit of any holiday (and/or birthday) should carry throughout the year, not just that day, or time; because we should be celebrating life and all it brings everyday. However, “reality” for most, isn’t my way of thinking. Knowing this, we should be more diligent in taking the time during those holidays that focus on family, friends, and sharing, and actually spend the time doing it vs telling internet people about it. And per usual, I am sorry that I always seem to get a little bit morbid.. But, the time we waste during those crucial moments, even just minutes, are minutes not spent with people we apparently love. Those minutes may come in handy one day.. when you are counting them down.

So my Christmas? If you’re still wondering.. was spent in NYC.. with family.. a new family at that, and even though they weren’t my own, they deserved all the love and magic.. and cupcakes! Christmas had to offer. Because that’s what Christmas is all about. Jesus.. (had to!) and family. (Which really go hand-in-hand if you know anything about Christianity) Anyway -rant.over- the entire time I was there, it wasn’t so much about what we were doing anyway, but who was doing what. Were we all together? Was someone still sleeping? And honestly, the best moments were the conversations around the kitchen table.. or possibly playing Heads Up (no, not 7up) because karaoke and karate are pretty similar.. just sayin.

And New Years? I might add.. Was also spent with family, mine this time, and some friends with lots of food and drink. Nothing too crazy, which is out-of-the-ordinary for me, but still splendid all the same.

This past year was another crazy chapter in my life-book. There were plenty roller-coaster moments.. some over-exaggerations, lots of emoji faces.. I laughed, I cried, and had more than enough learning-mistakes. I met several amazing people – two of which, keep me on my toes, and refuse to let me live by a plan.. and more in the moment ❤ – and I made some overly-amazing friends. I survived my first year back in the sate of my birth and full-circled back to one of the best companies out there that was so gracious to offer me a new, great job. I survived the darkest of times, a mechanical bull accident, my new job transition.. in the middle of the holidays, mind you.. which included a business trip two weeks before Christmas! and I even survived meeting my boyfriends’ family. AH!

My annoying optimism will admit, this was a perfect year.. just like all the rest. Because how can any year not be perfect if I’m still standing?

So here’s to another frustratingly-exciting, magically-wild, overly-emotional, and crazily-awesome year.

Cheers!

Happy Birthday!

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

It’s that time of year again.. where you all can’t stand my posts of giving thanks and love.

But thankfully you’ll probably still keep reading anyway 😉 hehe.

So it is that time, where (at least in the US) we begin to focus on being Thankful and we begin the Season of Giving. Well what if I told you we could do this all year long? Everyday even. And I’m not saying this metaphorically like “We should love each other every day of the year, not just on a fake holiday we call Valentines Day.” Or “We should be thankful everyday for family and friends not just on Thanksgiving.” Yah I know I’ve heard it too.

What I’m trying to say is that.. I mean it. It’s simple really, and many of us (not just crazy people like me) do this everyday.

It’s called Birthdays. Now, I know what you’re thinking.. “Oh goodness Kara, we get it, you love your birthday because it’s your one day to celebrate yourself.” And, “I think I’ve read this already.. on this same blog!” Ok, yes, if there’s one thing anyone can agree on, it’s that I do love my birthday and birthdays in general 🙂 but aside from my love of birthdays proving my own point, (you’ll see how this relates soon) I am honestly trying to explain mere observations I have had.

To start, I do not, for the love of God, understand why some people dislike Birthdays. The whole crying about getting old bit is well.. getting old. Seriously. Because while these people are complaining about “another year older” they seem to be forgetting that there are hundreds, millions even, who never made it to their second birthday.. maybe even their first. On top of that, I know (as I’m sure many of you know) people who are fighting, and surviving cancer. I even heard more great news last week! But I have also lost friends who did not get to win that fight. I know old people, survivors of major accidents, and even some of those miserable people who are bitter every year that goes by because they can’t grasp getting “old”. But I also have friends who didn’t make past the age of 21.. or 16 even.. and I have an uncle who didn’t make it through his 40s. Birthdays, yes, are celebrations, but they are also reminders.

Long story, long.. this brings me to my point. WHY?! The easiest, most fun, and best way to be thankful everyday is to Celebrate Birthdays!! And I mean like really celebrate like you mean it, like you are happy to be alive. Not celebrate that you are one year older, but that you made it another year.. because sadly, there are many who did not make it this far. I’m not trying to be a debbie-downer here, I’m just trying to open some eyes. Don’t you see? Every birthday is a day to be thankful and celebrate life.

And even with what your faith or beliefs are.. whatever reason we have that some people leave us too soon, we still know that to make it another day here on earth is a blessing. We always seem to forget about the alternative. Birthdays remind us that we are blessed.

Knowing this, why would we not want to celebrate making it another day, never mind another year! Without birthdays there would be no people.. and without people, no life.

So Celebrate Life this week and this Holiday Season. Be Thankful for Birthdays. Celebrate them.. all of them. It is someone’s Birthday everyday. If you are on Facebook, you know this is true! And feel Blessed for the mere fact that you are here and able to celebrate.

Give Thanks & Be Thankful.. for simply being alive.

a beautiful mess.

~ NewBeginnings ~ 1 Comment

I don’t know if I’ve ever blogged about this, but..

I am a beautiful  m e s s.

I’ve been that way all my life. I live to please people. I am the positive spark that keeps motivation alive. I am the clever sarcasm that allows laughter to break through walls. I am the friend who will let you in.. or answer my phone.. at 2am if you are lost or stranded. I am a giver. I give more than I have many times, and compensate by living moderately.

Although I don’t always believe it, I have been blessed with beauty. My eyes, they always shine. They glitter with happiness. There isn’t an ounce of me that won’t, for one second, try and make you laugh.. even in my most miserable of days. I am honest. Almost to a fault.. hahahaha 😉 I always see both sides to a story. I believe in the impossible.

This is where it gets messy. I am so positive, so shining, so focused on keeping other emotions alive, so expected to be this way.. that there are days, weeks even.. this one in particular, where every vulnerability, every fear, every bit of insecurity bursts out every pore. The tears fighting.. and I mean  f i g h t i n g  to stay in my little eyeballs. Tears people. Tears that only about 5 people in my life have ever seen. 5.

And honestly it partially angers me. Because you would think that someone of my nature who does nothing but smile, and can make a joke about the ‘darkest of days’, could have more people around when my emotions have hiccups. Instead what I get are awkward moments of confusion. I’m serious. It’s strange.

People ask the required, “Are you ok? I’m here to talk about it if you want.” And I know deep down these sad souls have no clue what they are talking about, because the minute an emotion surfaces, the conversation quickly turns to something more generic like work, or weekend plans. Why.. why ask at all? If you can’t handle me being normal, then just allow me to continue my routine that I am so very well versed in. Because I get it. I can barely handle myself too in these moments. But I guess it’s a double-edged sword. With no expression of emotion at the time of the emotion.. it builds.. and hence becomes me, right now. An over-emotional-beautiful-mess.  Literal emotional vomit.

Knowing this has made me cynical of those who are the same way.. Engaging and positive, happy and glowing all the time. I assume they are hiding something deep. In most cases, it’s true. There are many people like me, because there is just no physical way to constantly be emotionally perfect. Everyone needs an outlet or an explosion.

So why then? Why must we play these charades? Why can’t people handle emotion? If we just dealt with them we would probably love each other more because we would see who we actually are. Which might explain the 3 friends I have. They allow me to be vulnerable.

My apologies that this has just turned into a mini rant.. which I guess exemplifies the ‘mess’ in my beautiful. But for those who can empathize, can we try and break down those barriers?! It would surely make my life much easier.

And for those who only expect my beautiful I say: Don’t ask me questions if you don’t want the answer.. and in turn, don’t question my charade when its you, who in fact, can’t handle the real.

The end.

back to the drawing board.

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

i literally just erased this entire post about 30 minutes ago.

i realized, one: i like typing in lowercase, hehe.. and two: i keep these drafts that are meant to be finished at the time of emotion.. yet they just sit in my queue. the universe must be telling me something. ive noticed that when i stretch and stretch out thoughts.. the main idea tends to get lost. i start focusing on my grammar more than my thought.

knowing this.. i decided to just type up a recap of this last post that i meant to publish, and just explain the angst inside me as simple as possible.

Ahem.. So.. after 11 months of being away, I took a trip back East.. visited some peeps, went on a few adventures.. had the BEST.BREAKFAST.EVER, but missed my bestest waitress 😦 I felt comfort in the city and lost in the woods. I realized within two days that this was no longer “home”. I then realized days later on the plane back West.. that one: I have been struggling with this idea of “home” for a while, and two: there were now only about 3 people that I could still call family.

This trip was a great learning experience. Most people found my explanation of my trip rather strange.. not understanding my confusion with feelings. You see I thought, as most of the people who know me thought, that I would land in Boston, breathe in the air, have a cannoli.. then drive up into the woods and relish in all its greenery.. and one changing leaf.

But that didn’t happen. I mean, I was very happy to see people.. some more than others, of course.. it’s always about the people. However, there was something weird and unsettling about it all. In all the familiarity and comfort, it’s like I no longer belonged. And maybe this was just a taste of my own medicine. Because for 18 of the 18yrs I lived in New England.. all I talked about was moving back West. I was always a SoCal girl to many.. I was a SoCal girl at heart.

SoCal was where I fell in love with the ocean, where I learned to play volleyball at the age of 9. Where I grew up learning from my father that I could do whatever I wanted as long as I worked hard enough.. and don’t let anyone tell me otherwise because I was a girl (you got it dad! 🙂 ).

But New England.. New England is where my love for the ocean grew, and where I was given the opportunity to play volleyball through college. It’s where I saw first hand that it is hard work that you needed to succeed. It’s like SoCal was the idea, and New England was the blueprint (for simplicity’s sake we’ll call it a plan).. and now full circle.. I am on to the execution stage.

It’s funny too, because thats exactly how I feel. Like I am taking two pieces of life and trying to make them fit together. And they can’t. Because plans come from ideas.. and you cant execute anything without a plan.

So instead of trying to figure out what “home” is, I am trying to find comfort in knowing that I love both places in different ways, and more important, both places are a piece of me.. whether I like it or not. One is the spark, the other the flame.

I just need to focus on loving the ideas I love, and re-evaluating the plans I don’t love.. to keep working on the execution.

i dont know why i never posted this..

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

In sifting through some past journal entries, I found something from March of 2011.

In it, I wrote about a couple of friends who said something to me about “Learning to accept the things that haven’t happened and move on.”

On the previous page, I wrote about my anxiety about my plans for the future, and having concern that I had lost my idea of what my ‘Dreams’ were.. because you can’t follow something that doesn’t exist.

Anyway, I continued to write about the fact that I did not agree with this statement of ‘accepting things that haven’t happened’. Because I wanted to make things happen. Even if it was in small doses. I wrote about moving to CA (oh look at that!) and saying that I’d rather make it out here and last 3months than never making an effort at all. Because really, just because something hasn’t happened doesn’t mean it still can’t. If we just accept the things that haven’t happened, then what is the point of having dreams or aspirations? Why dream at all?

Looking back, I can obviously see what my friends were trying to say.. because right, you can’t change the past, you can’t change things that haven’t happened. You shouldn’t live and wonder ‘what if’. I think that was the point for me though, and the reason why I disagreed. Because there is always tomorrow. So why move on? Why even have a ‘what if’?! Take tomorrow by the horns and make something happen.

In my 32 years of my existence I have learned the obvious: We cannot change the past.. but that does not mean that what we have not accomplished cannot still be done now. Or tomorrow. And as crazy as life may be, and as fragile – and short even – there is still an opportunity to make things happen. And more so, a reason to be motivated. Knowing life is uncertain gives more of a reason to conquer today and think about those ‘what if’s’ and turn them into ‘this is what happened when I..’

Still thinking about that old college friend? Social Networking was created for you. Mad at yourself for not asking that guy/girl out last month? You probably know where to find them.. just do it. What’s the worst that can happen? They tell you they’re engaged!? BAHAHA (inside joke, and either way, at least now you know, and you’ve got a good story) Trying to get a Masters? a PhD? If money is a factor, start one class at a time. In the end, you will feel even more accomplished.

My point is, I would rather accept – what people call – ‘failure’ in trying. I would rather be late in the game, and getting even just a small piece of what I wanted, rather than accepting the nothingness of never trying. Why even have the talk about ‘accepting things that haven’t happened’? Why not just make them happen.. no matter how small, no matter how much time has passed. I would rather have stories to tell, even embarrassing ones, than having to ‘learn to accept..’ a nothing.