Category: happy

it’s MY anniversaryyy – as sang by Tony Toni Tone.. hehe

~ NewBeginnings ~ 1 Comment

Anniversary of my awesome birth, that is! 🙂

I have been sad because I have not had much “time” to blog as I would like. Work has been insane and I’m trying my darnedest to focus on a 10k I’m running in May. But I can never go a year without expressing my love, gratitude and some terrible opinions when my Birthday rolls around! Lol

Topic for this years Birthday post is: “Nevertheless, She Persisted” which I’m borrowing from the theme of the 10k I’m running! (It’s a womens run)

I have been overly grateful lately, due to many events that have happened which force me to realize where I have been and where I am now. Iv’e had many a person make statements relating to how they view my life:

I’m spoiled.

All I do is brunch and drink

I’m a snob because I live walking distance to a beautiful ocean

I have a perfect life

Ok, let me explain, I am spoiled. Lol – not out of chance, however, which I feel people forget.. But I spoil MYSELF from working my ass off on a weekly basis, into the evening even – just to have the things I have. I have debt people, and I still have bills to pay. It’s called budgeting.

I only brunch on the weekends, relax. 😉 And red wine is good for – life. Anyway – who the eff cares?! You wanna brunch?! Go effing brunch! I don’t quite understand how/why brunching and wine drinking are effecting the masses not actively involved in my life. And yes, I’m a relative food snob. I have learned what good food tastes like, and how it effects mood and your body as a whole. So yes, I prefer to eat, drink, and enjoy as best as I can afford.

Call me a snob all you want, but It’s not like I was just granted this life, like *poof!* here ya go Kara! ALL YOURS! Love, God. Nope, doesn’t work like that. As many know, I moved to SoCal with 3k, no job, no home, blah, blah, nothing. So to all of a sudden be a snob because I got a job that allows me to rent a studio – yes, I live in a studio by the water – means nothing. I know how to do math, and I wanted to live by the water.. so I get a studio, do laundry at a laundromat, and live the best bad-ass life with what I have. Did the universe or the Lord have something to do with my blessings? Maybe, but there is nothing in this world that is ever handed to us without effort.

And no. There is no perfect life.. we all know this. So why would you say this to anyone!? There are millions of things we don’t know about anyone’s life. Mine in particular, from abuse (in multiple forms), to anxiety, eating disorders, and depression. I was a broken and desperate person until I was about 26. I was lucky to have enough hope and love in myself to not turn into a drug-addicted stripper in Vegas.. Because that thought did cross my mind at one point.

So going into this new year.. at my very young age.. LOL, I am proud to look back and see that I never once allowed myself to be called a “victim” of anything. Whether it be my abuse, or of circumstance. I have never believed in “blaming” life on anything, or anyone. Or making excuses for who I am. I’ve made mistakes, more than I would like to admit, but every day is a New Beginning. The only person to be better than is yourself. Many people hate when I say that.. mainly because excuses and blame are an easy fix. “I have anxiety”, “I was abused”, “I have issues”. I know many wonderful people who have issues (lol, I mean who doesn’t!?) – who have anxiety, depression.. and they still wake up every morning with a mission to create – whether it be art, music, or their life ❤

This life is our choice. We choose our happiness, and if we are lucky enough for some great moments to fall in our laps, even better. But still.. if someone puts a cute puppy on your lap, it’s still a choice of whether you’re going to pet it or not. Hence, just like the outside assumptions of my life, nothing is just given. We still need to do something with what’s provided to us.

I-am-not-what-happened-to-me-I-am-what-I-choose-to-become.

So for my Birthday, I wish you all health, wealth, happiness, and more importantly, love. As much as I hate Valentine’s Day – I love LOVE! Because love in it’s pure form is a verb. An action word. You must love to be loved. And in my life, I kept choosing love. To love myself, to love my life. It was all I had sometimes to allow myself to wake up another day ❤

Cheers!

December 30th 2017

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

At the time of this typing.. we only have about 28hr left until a “new year”. A time to celebrate, look forward, and create a sense of hope for “better” days.

But have we ever thought about.. what if there is nothing “better”? Like, I get 2017 sort of sucked overall, but if you look hard enough, you’ll see, love actually is all around.. hehe ❤

It’s true, I know, there have definitely been years better than others. Those years are 2015/16 for me. But in the end, there is always enough good to make any “bad” year feel average at the least. 2016 is a great example, it was a “terrible” year for me, but I realized midway through 2017, that 2016 prepared me for all the awesomeness I experienced this year. The pain made me stronger, and the wonderful moments were bigger than they seemed. We always seem to hang on to the negative vs positive. Like all those surveys – we will tell 10 people about a terrible experience but only 3 about a great experience.

Why we do this, is a whole other conversation, but let’s stay with the “new year” idea. We are always looking forward to something new. And I mean, don’t get me wrong, my blog title is all about New Beginnings! lol – But I also try and live with a feeling or ideal that every day has the opportunity for a new beginning. I write about this often.. hence, the blog title. Point is.. let us use this time of “New” to look back and remember all the GOOD and bad. Let us learn and let us be better.

If the point of anything “new” is to “start over” or “make a change”, then let’s do that. If you can’t find it in your mindset to view every day as something new, and for some reason want to put the whole year on your shoulders all at once.. (lol sorry had to) at least use the year to create betterment all around. Truly use the “new” year as your brand new start. Make someone’s day. Make your own day. For as many days as you can.

Because next December 30th we’ll be back to the countdown and prepping for New Years Eve again.. and will it be a list of repeating boo-hoos?

So here’s to tomorrow, and January 1st, and 2nd, and 3rd… and February, and March, and so on..

Here’s to every day in 2018. To make everyday better and start anew every morning.

Here’s to really looking at the year as “New” and beginning again, and working to make even the smallest things better.

 

I wish for you all to stay wide-eyed and bushy-tailed, to find hope in the sunrises, and find peace with the sunsets. To keep believing in fairytales, and to remember that love will always win ❤

Thank you to my readers near and far, new and old. As difficult as the last few weeks have been, 2018 has a lot coming my way, and I hope my brain can stay focused enough so I can share it all with you.

 

Cheers!

 

 

woah.

~ NewBeginnings ~ 1 Comment

Oh geez – looks like I used this blog properly the last two posts.

lol

Wait, was that ^^ a laugh?!

Thankfully laughing is a happy thing today/night. I blame it on Mercury being in Retrograde – for all these crazy emotions I mean. I’ve accepted the fate that my exam is pushed out until after New Years. Is this good? For some.. but for me, I really wanted to enjoy the Holidays. Oh well..

One thing I’m always learning is that with all the dips we fall into, we aren’t stuck in the hole if we dig out of it.. I’m digging alright. And that is the greatest thing about life and this blog – Every day is a New Beginning.

Tomorrow always has the chance to be better no matter how terrible anything seems. And I know I am naturally an optimist, but I also know when I talk to natural pessimists, that I can at least provide a positive twist on their outlook. And if you have ever fallen into a negative black hole, naturally positive or not, hearing anything that can inflict hope at least gets you to tomorrow.

Today is my yesterday’s tomorrow. And today has been wonderful. And honestly, although difficult sometimes, I do know and realize often, how absolutely blessed I am. From the past 5 years, to the past 6 months – I have grown and accomplished so much and it reminds me that the scary moments are only temporary.. and more so, that there’s always something new to happen when they pass.

So with Hanukkah, Christmas, and the New Year upon us – lets use this time to be mindful, appreciative, and grateful. Find promise in tomorrow and use yesterday as motivation to be better.

This time of year brings wild emotions no matter what kind of person you are. And I have always believed that this is not a time of ending-to-new beginning, but continuous beginnings which is why our emotions are so crazy. From family pissing you off or being single for the holidays – both give a spark of hope and remind you that you are more than what your family says and there are possibilities of finding someone new. But especially if your holidays are filled with joy and wonderment – it reminds you of how wonderful tomorrow can be.

I don’t know where this post came from, where it’s going, or where it went, lol, but I am hopeful and I am excited to finally take this exam – whenever I take it. I am excited to make it into January which is officially Birthday Season, and I am so hopeful in tomorrow that it will bring more New Beginnings.

Here’s to tomorrow!

❤

random reminder

~ NewBeginnings ~ 1 Comment

Ok so I literally typed, and typed, and typed – for almost 3 days now.

This post kept growing and changing, and growing and changing.

And it’s days like today that make me highlight and delete the entire thing in order to rethink the whole point of this post to begin with.

Today was a tough day.. It reminded me of many things that are way more important than work. But yet here’s all my anxiety and stress.. all because of work.

And I looked at my calendar.. only 3 more weeks until my next flight out of here. 3 more weeks. Something to look forward to.

I’m a planner. I always look forward to something. Whether it be my next yoga class, the weekend, a phone date with the bestie, a trip, or even just how I’m going to clean my apartment. I plan.

And generally speaking, theres nothing wrong with that right? I mean, it’s perfectly normal to look forward to things, ignite excitement, give meaning to tomorrow.

But often times we forget, especially during days like today.. that the reality in life, is that tomorrow is not promised. I know many people who had plans “tomorrow” who never made it to those plans.

And today was a day I said those terrible words: Omg – I seriously CANNOT wait for..

It happened.. and it is something I just had a conversation about, with my bestie, just 2 days ago.

As I sit here mentally and emotionally beat by a place, that in the large scheme of life, matters less than.. idk what can possibly matter less to be honest, I think: What about today was good? What am I grateful for?

Because as much as I look forward to another day, as much as I want to plan for something better, I am here now.

And I have blogged about this before, how we as people make the years go by “faster” from always waiting for things to happen, always planning for what’s next. But yet in the middle of whats happening, we forget to enjoy it. We anticipate vacation, then when it comes, we worry about it being over already, and it’s only the second day!

Today. What a concept. I admire you fellow bloggers who write about Today, and more so, living in the moment. I have a hard time with that. I’m always trying to make things happen – especially on bad days.

But sometimes it’s these days where we need to dig the most. What basic and/or simple things are keeping me content? Just waking up? Butterscotch Coffee? Getting an 80 on my chapter exam?

It’s today that matters most – and for someone like me who worries about consequence non-stop with everything from: what if I wait to do laundry, to: what if I call that client back tomorrow instead? Or even: what would happen if I made out with that cute guy? 😉  I need the small reminder of this: Video Link (<< incase the vid doesn’t load) 🙂

 

One of my all time favorite clips – the whole 2min are wonderful, but it’s at the 0.50 where it gets good ❤

 

Long story short:

1) There is a whole slew of things in life we can’t control. But what we can control, is the best of them all – ourselves.

2) Be present, and smile 🙂

 

❤

 

 

 

 

I wish you all #9

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

As some of you may know, I just came back from an enlightening trip to the Philippines. This was my first international trip, and I’ll be blogging specifically about that, hopefully soon.

During lunch today with a dear friend, however, I was re-living all my experiences and explaining all that I had seen. There are many, many things that I took away from this trip, and as we were immersed in conversation, per usual, the conversation turned to relationships. And by “relationships” I mean we discussed all types: friendship, societal expectations, family, and of course, romantic. It was, and still is difficult to explain properly in words all I experienced, but in terms of relationships, especially being “officially, officially” single for months now, (I finally let go after months of emotional suicide) there was sort of a fire re-ignited inside me about where I am and where I am going.. #hopelessromantic

While on vacation, I was in the midst of several conversations about relationships. In addition, I was able to observe a whole new culture of relationships. And coincidentally, on one of the last days, I was sifting through my FB looking over all the posts I was tagged in – and fell into my About Me page.. totally forgot about that.. like, does anyone have stuff filled out in there anymore? Apparently I do! Within this About Me page, there is a Quotes section in which I found this:

“from a blog titled: 10 Decisions that Change Your Life
#9. When you love who you actually love. I know it’s a simple observation, but one day it just hit me that people aren’t always together because they love each other. There are a thousand different reasons people get (and stay) together and some of them can be the farthest thing from love. If this is your truth, change it. Go love who you actually love. If you don’t know who that is yet, keep living, they will come.”

I don’t know why, but this hit me like that rock in shallow water that blew up my ankle on day 2 of vacation. Lol – Anyway, in terms of romantic relationships, I’m there. Or should I say, I’m STILL there. And honestly, if I look back far enough, I think I blogged about this in the past also. This is clearly a reoccurring theme in our society, (as that blog was posted in 2013 and it still rings true today) and I’m sure in most personal lives, not just mine. The funny thing this time, is that this gave me an, almost inappropriate, wave of hope. In life there are cycles, good and bad, good and bad.. but when it comes to matters of the heart, we for some reason refuse, or more so have a difficult time, removing the “bad”. We choose to hold on mainly because of fear of the unknown (which I point out later in this post). I remember being partially annoyed when I first read this back in 2013, because I kept seeing/hearing so many people complain about their relationships (which still happens today, of course) and when I would challenge them, it always came back to some strange conversation of: “I can’t find anyone else”, “I hate being single”, “But we’ve been together x amount of years”, or worse, “I have kids” (and this is not specific to married people btw).

The kid one, though, hurts my soul constantly. Probably because I come from divorced parents. And maybe I was just a super smart 2yr old, but I learned my parents were happier without each other, and thats all that mattered. There were no more fights. We were more a family separated than together. Like, you think your kids are thrilled when they see the two people who are supposed to be in love argue, bicker, and fight? How is that a healthy representation for your children to learn love? Instead they grow up with a sense of cynicism rather than understanding that patience, and not settling for anything less than happiness, is what they should strive for. What if your child was in your relationship? Would you want your daughter or son to be cheated on? Would you want your child to fight with their spouse/significant other on a daily basis and watch their unhappiness? Who wants that!? I don’t even want that for my friends, never mind loved ones.

On top of that, I learned a lot of life lessons. I learned that sometimes things just don’t work out, sometimes you make bad decisions, sometimes we just aren’t patient enough to wait for the right person because society pressures you, sometimes the person you love doesn’t love you back. And sometimes, it’s just that you realize it’s not a fairytale – and that’s ok, because in some instances, with patience, understanding, and communication, you can create or even re-invent your own story of love and happiness.

 

  • side note – I understand that with relationships it’s not black & white, and there are a multitude of things we can dig into: past and present personal issues, struggles, communication, and even love languages, to help some people love and continue to love. But my focus here is the generalization of how people get into and stay in relationships without love to begin with, and to challenge and question: WHY!?

 

And I mean, lets be real, the divorce rate is a clear representation that people get and stay together for many reasons other than love. Maybe it’s not so much of a bad thing after all – because so many people end up finding their “true love” in later years. But imagine if we all were just a little more patient.. we could have found that person earlier perhaps, and spent more wonderful years together.

I, myself, am also a wonderful divorcé – and maybe it’s because I went head-first into fear that I learned what real love is. Because that’s all it is essentially – FEAR. We are all afraid of being alone so we settle. We are even afraid because, WHAT IF IT DOESN’T WORK OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE?! << Funny how that is a fear, yet many times we are dealing with something that isn’t working out! But that last line in that post: “If you don’t know who that is yet, keep living, they will come.” They will! The problem is patience with timing.  If some of us just waited another day, another year or two, or three even, we could be with that love. We could have that story, and it may even resemble a fairytale.

So, my friends, I wish you #9 – and if you get a chance, click the link and check out the rest of the blog post – it’s a nice quick read and a wonderful reminder that although we may not have control over life, we can control ourselves, and how we react to it.

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.” -Lao-Tzu

Love and be loved, my friends.

❤

 

i want ice cream..

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Why..

Why is it there are times when we just don’t feel adequate. And I say feel – 1) because I’m naturally an emotional person, and 2) because it IS just a feeling, isn’t it?

I look in the mirror and I think I’m one of the most beautiful people in this world. My friends think I’m weird because when I cry, I always think thats when I’m the most beautiful. Not because it’s sad and sort of deep moment, but because my eyelashes stay up! amiright?! And if there is one thing I consider my favorite thing about myself it’s my eyes. And they are just an ordinary middle-range brown, but I don’t know, I just love them. They always seem to sparkle in the sun.

We should all think like this of ourselves right? Then why is it, the minute I leave my mirror, or my personal sense of self, and I look around me.. I all of a sudden sink? Why?

What is it about other people, or societal expectations, that can get inside you? And this is coming from a person who refuses to live by anything related to society – and yet, there are moments where I feel the strain, especially when it comes to my sense of self.

I literally went from confidently-tired from being busy at work, to that sort of depressive tired.. and I know y’all know what I’m talking about. Like I just wanted to go eat a pizza garnished with ice cream, and go to bed. Thankfully in my old age – lol – or really just practice and experience, I have learned to not fall into that hole as often. I went to Starbucks, got a salad and a bag of chips, and studied for about an hour and a half.

But then I got home. And I played CandyCrush for like another hour 😐

Ugh. It was just a sunken moment of not wanting to feel or think. I almost felt like I couldn’t stop playing that stupid game because it kept me preoccupied and my mind numb. Just dizzying pieces of candy to take away this gross feeling of not being enough. Where it came from I have no idea, but it happens every so often. Iv’e even asked my bestie for help one other time it happened, asking: “How, when you feel good about yourself, how do you keep that momentum all day/week/month/LIFE?!” Her response: “I guess just try not to get caught up in all the external shit that happens, and makes you feel like you’re not enough.”

That external shit. Thats what I’m talkin about. Go away!

Anyway, I looked at myself in the mirror after that lame ass, sort-of-personally-embarrassing-to-admit-hour of CandyCrush. And you know what I saw? My eyeballs. I thought to myself, there you are, you beautiful unicorn.. Now if I could only find a way to bubble-wrap this feeling and keep me safe from the outside world..

 

❤

 

 

I’m mad at my horoscope..

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Lol who else loves a good ‘ol Horoscope?!

As much as they are “for entertainment only”, theres definitely some truth in the stars. People born at certain times of the year carry similar traits. My close circle of friends, for example, are pretty much born in Fall and Winter. Spring babies I’ve always had a harder time understanding, and Summer babies, (Leo’s in particular it seems) are always an extreme – as in extreme likeness, or extreme dislike – there never seems to be a balanced energy with summer babies.

Anyway, I believe in the stars because, well, God made them, so they have to mean something, amiright?! Just as weird things happen during a full moon, and seasons change, our universe is based on cycles of life.. the up, the down, the end, the beginning. This is why I enjoy horoscopes – they provide a dialogue, however true or untrue, that uses the universe’s energy to explain why we do things and what we could possibly do. Because another truth is certain: we all have feelings, and we all create an energy, and this energy affects our surroundings.

So in one of my recent horoscopes, I think was for last week? Or the week before.. It talked about how I need to get myself out there, hang out with different people, and be social, “It’s your time to shine Aquarius!” And as I found myself immersed in plans, weekend after weekend all through June.. I realized something: As much as being social is an act of togetherness, and putting oneself out there, the people you surround yourself with really make a difference. Just because you are surrounded or engaged with the people around you, doesn’t mean they are good for you. And I think that’s the part I’m having trouble with. I don’t like to say people are “bad” necessarily, but not all people are good for YOU. As people, we are different for a reason, we can’t all be doctors or there would be no lawyers, firemen, teachers, etc.. you get my point. When it comes to the people in your life, Robin Williams said it best:

9628-Robin-Williams-Quote-I-used-to-think-the-worst-thing-in-life-is-to

So knowing the people who provide support, encouragement, and positive energy that compliments your own is important. And I’m not talking specifically about “your people” or your “inner-circle” necessarily. In general, we meet people all the time, and finding out or feeling that some people just aren’t what you need is ok. To consciously continue to surround yourself with the people “who make you feel all alone” is something to be mindful of. Keep in mind, just because these people aren’t good for you, doesn’t mean they aren’t perfect for someone else. That’s how the universe finds balance. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure, amiright?

And this is why I am mad at my horoscope. Lol! Lately, I have been hanging out with so many different people, groups, and parties of my life, and I am now seeing that some people who I thought were “good” for me, actually aren’t. A few that I thought were a support system, actually mock me from behind. And it’s better to know these things of course, but damn that horoscope, if I just kept to myself and my 3 people I like, lol, I would still be living, (sort of a lie I guess) believing everyone is still amazing! And it’s not so much as we all can’t get along, because we can.. It’s just sad to know that I now have to be careful with some people vs others. Because, I at least, still believe in being kind, but that doesn’t mean everyone else is kind.

So per usual, I hope when you read this, it’s a reminder of the good people in your life, and also a side note to try a leave the others alone. More importantly, take a moment and reflect – just as some people are not good for you, you are also not good for some people. Accept that, and understand it’s better to focus on those who don’t feel alone with you ❤

 

 

 

 

 

Here’s to the man..

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Who at around 8yr old told me: “It doesn’t matter that you are a girl, you can do whatever you want as long as you work hard enough.” (this might be super cheese, but I literally tell myself this almost every day.. especially recently)

And at 20 before I made a terrible decision to get married, when my ex asked my father for my hand in marriage, my dad responded: “I don’t know why you’re asking me, if Kara wants to marry you, she will, if she doesn’t, she won’t. She will do whatever she wants.”

And most recently in the past year, while my dad was visiting, we had lunch with a couple friends of his.. who of course asked: “Is she seeing anyone? Married?” My dad Responds: “Why does she need to be married? You don’t need to be married to be happy nowadays.” They then come back with a: “How will she have children?!” (If you know me at all, I pissed myself laughing here) My fathers response? “She doesn’t need to be married to have children, if she wants children she will have them.” The conversation continued with how I’m happy and that’s all that matters.

And here’s to the man who told me once to never date a man like him, because he knew his flaws and wanted better for me. I understood what he was saying here, as I lived through it.. However, I would definitely appreciate someone who is also as open about their flaws, who understands that mistakes do not make us who we are, and that everyday is not perfect.

A man who is definitely not a traditional father – and even through a childhood of slight turmoil and young adulthood of distress, I still learned from this man that I do not need a boyfriend, a spouse, a job, children, money, or any other societal expectation to define me. I define me.

Happiest of Fathers Day to my daddio who is my biggest supporter and definitely helped nurture my independent-bitchy side Lol – And who will always be a reminder that it is I who makes my life, and to make sure I’m happy with all that I put in it, because it is also me, who has to deal with it.

Thanks Dad for making me want to work hard everyday 🙂

 

 

take care of yourself

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

So I started back at yoga last week! How pumped is everyone about that!?

Lol 🙂 I was going to dive into a 30 day challenge.. and honestly, if I still hold onto that challenge, I’m doing better than when I actually (over)paid to do an actual challenge about 2 years ago. Last time I made it 12 days straight.. then took a day or 5 off.. and ended up only making it through 17 classes in total. So far with this personal challenge, I have gone to 5 classes in the last 7 days, not including today – although I will probably still end up taking 5 classes again this week. So if my math is good, I’m on schedule to make it to about 20 classes this 30 days vs the 17 I did last time. I call that progress!

More importantly, I’m listening to myself. I have a tiny smile in my heart because I am doing what is good for me, and my body. I am actually making time for myself. I actually made plans around my yoga schedule! I think my mindset adjusted a little because so far, in all my classes, (I tried hot-yin too!) all my instructors have ended the final savasana with saying: “Thank yourself for coming to yoga, for taking care of yourself.”

LOVE THAT! Because it’s so true in anything you do – especially physical. I know there are some people who enjoy working out, but let’s be real.. there are definitely some sucky workouts. Sometimes it’s just a bad day, you didn’t drink enough water, your muscles are more tight than usual and you don’t understand why, you are just tired. But any workout should be viewed as a success! Thank yourself for it! Because it’s so true when they say (whoever they are..) “No matter how slow you go, you are still lapping everybody on the couch.”

LOVE THAT too! The point is in those savasana words: Thank yourself.. for taking care of yourself.. I don’t know why it took those words for me to understand that workouts and exercise are more than just looking good – because I knew that already – I guess I just never believed it. Because this will be a slow process, but the way I feel after just one week so far, proves that the rest will come. Seeing changes is motivational, but feeling a change, creates longevity, consistency, and continued progress. Because when you feel good about something, you want to keep doing it, amiright!?

On top of feeling good, another thing the instructors say a lot is: “Listen to your body, not your mind.” Because your mind will sometimes tell you, you can’t, but your body can.. and more so, listening to your body will tell you how far you can actually go. For you mental people, another side of this is, sometimes your brain thinks you can but then you injure yourself or push too far. It’s a balance – your mind is logic, but your body will never lie to you. And so that is why I’m sitting in a cafe typing this afternoon/evening. My body didn’t feel that great today for some reason. Maybe it was the recent, drastic, change in the weather? I’ll be in bed early tonight for sure. But in taking care of myself tonight, here’s to feeling better tomorrow to tackle my Tuesday double! I take a 60min Bikram-inspired class (it only adjusts two postures, and removes a second set for the rest) and then 60min hot-yin! It’s a great Tuesday night combo, I feel so amazing after! Tired, but amazing 🙂 It’s like my push for the week, on a Tuesday no less, but then the rest of the week feels easy!

So here’s to listening to yourself and taking care of yourself. Health (and by Health I also include mental-health) is a constant struggle for most of the United States, and I truly hope those of you reading this has something, or finds something, that makes you feel good. Whether it’s yoga, running, volleyball, whatever, just take care of yourselves. Do something good for you, and your body. Find your balance. Our time here is short as it is, might as well try and add one more day to it. And more so, feel good about everyday and find more meaning.

#namaste

 

 

my biggest flaw

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I, for some reason, had an urge to share today, and as I learned from my blog challenge, I will listen!

In regards to the title of this piece, ask anyone who may know me even a little bit, and I have an inkling they will all say my biggest “problem” or “flaw” is I care too much. Many times it’s about things that, “don’t matter” or “shouldn’t matter”. Or more so, about people who “don’t deserve” it.

Good thing I don’t listen to anyone – maybe that’s another “flaw” lol.

I went to church for the first time in a long time, at my own will even.. << this is a rare occurrence. I was born and raised a Catholic – I still have those services memorized and engrained in my brain.. with the OLD language I might add – none of this “new” Catholic church language for me! lol (totally aging myself here). And let’s be clear, I have nothing against Catholics at all, but structure and methodology only speak to me in yoga. In religion, the only consistent “rules” you should find, are: to Love one another, and Worship he/she who takes care of you. (I say he/she because for many it is the Universe and Mother Earth who takes care of you, and that’s ok – because honestly, the lines of creationism and evolution are very much able to be seen as intertwined, so I never really understood how people could separate the two if you believe in anything bigger, outside of yourself.)

Anywhooo – I am in the process of trying a few congregations to see what feels best for my needs. Until this point, I haven’t been able to find anything ‘inviting’ per-say, since I moved away from Orange County. Not sure where this urge came from, but I gladly accepted it. This particular service that I went to over the weekend, (and I’m sure God knew) was legit, EXACTLY what I needed to hear. Everything from trusting the Lord, to reverting back to old ways because it’s “comfortable” versus taking yourself out of comfort for something larger.

It was relevant in so many ways about how as humans we are all flawed and don’t naturally love or forgive – we feel hate, revenge, bitterness.. And there was a moment where the pastor said something like, “And that’s why I’m not Jesus”, and some one out there let out an “Amen!” which created some laughter because then the pastor stated, “You didn’t have to say it THAT loud”, lol. I mention this because I am hard on myself, and this was a wonderful reminder that yes, I am not God, I am not Jesus, I am NOT perfect. But being imperfect doesn’t mean you can’t at least try to be better.

I have prayed many-a-time to “not feel”. Yet after this weekend I wonder, why is feeling a flaw?! Most sermons consist of learning to forgive, and to love, and to not judge – because we, as humans, naturally do the opposite when we are hurt, embarrassed, or feel threatened. I realized, maybe I’m a better person than I think I am – I am loyal even to those who are not loyal to me, I make time when someone asks something of me, even if they have not given the same in return. And again, if you look deeper here, yes, this leads me to over-give myself without taking..

But c’mon let’s be real here – is the act of taking really something we see of value? That we are proud of? I would hope not, but I understand the concern of [my people] because there “should” be balance – but seriously, those who tell me I give too much.. each and every one of those people were not there for me at one time or another when I needed them. So what does that say about them? If I listened to the people I care about, I shouldn’t give to them either! Because even the closest, most chosen-family of [my people], are still not there for me when I need them sometimes. Because again, we are human, we are not perfect. And trust me, I still wish I didn’t care as much about anything than I do – but I’ll tell you right now, the people I make myself available for, or give to, feel better than when I’m not available, and I definitely feel good knowing I have helped in some way. So it’s a win-win. To always worry about oneself leads us into those moments where we have to look ourselves in the mirror again. Pain and bitterness, as crazy as it sounds, is easy. To be angry and bitter takes no effort – but to love.. if you’ve loved anything, or anyone, you know this is a daily choice – daily, constant, effort. And this is why people tell me I’m crazy to care because I do exert a lot of energy, never mind time to those I care most about.

In the end, moral of the story of the service this past weekend was making sure you are listening for the whispers of God (listen to what the Universe is telling you!) – this I have a hard time with. The pastor continued with, if you don’t listen to the whispers, God may have to sort-of slap you in the face with the message. Blessing in disguise, if you will (or karma, amiright?!) So this made me see myself, where I am, what I do, and if I was “comfortable”. If I was doing things out of comfort because I am in a stressful moment of my life. Was I reverting back to “old” ways? Was I doing things that weren’t really making me better, but just fulfilling an empty space for now? I stopped caring for a little bit, I did things, and planned things in my brain that brought me back to another time. A time of pain. I tried to expose this “better” side of me – which was a complete lie. But I did book an amazing trip out of it, lol (which now I question if it was the right choice?) This past weekend made me care again. Not gonna lie, I didn’t really like it, lol. But if it is my calling to care, then by all means, I will care. Maybe that’s my life’s tragedy: The girl who cared to much. What were those lyrics by The Band Perry?

“Here lies the girl whose only crutch,
Was loving one man just a little too much”

Now don’t be vain, this song isn’t about you.. Lol – but more so meaning there’s my crutch. I give, and I give. I love, and I love. I give to a lot of people who don’t give back. People I love, people I call family. People who think they give enough to me.. but they don’t. This will always be an imbalance in my life. And if I can accept that of others of whom I know are not perfect, then I truly hope if one of you are reading this, that you understand, I will keep caring, and I will keep giving. And I, too am not perfect. And maybe the rest of you readers are like – damn girl, get some new people in your life! Lol! Trust me, I thought that many times – and honestly, I have made some adjustments along the way.

But for those who may have thought that, if you look around you, none of your people are perfect too. But they are your people. For whatever reason they have stuck by your side through good, bad, ugly, and even nasty. And thats why, even if your circle is small, theres always one other person who picks up pieces when another person drops them. We have these people because there is not one person who can fill every crevice of your heart and life. We have friends, we have family, we have children, and parents.. and even pets. And I am blessed to be the pick-er-upper for my people.

Now, if I could just find the right path for my life, that would be awesome..

 

🙂