Category: emotion

Time is a construct humans created.

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

#halfedited

I feel like I am well known for disappearing in many areas of life at one time or another and then just emerge out of nowhere. And I wonder how people can just forget about me.. but hey, New Beginnings amiright?!

It’s definitely been a hot sec since my last post and for (sort of) good reason. Turning 30-10, getting my job eliminated, trying to stay sane, then having a loss in the family, all resulted in a stall in writing/blogging and per usual.. here I am trying to emerge another butterfly. But as all these things were happening, with many other smaller moments whirling around, like most things in life it was eye opening, and provided many moments of realizations.

One in particular I catch myself in all the time, and will probably forget like a day after I post this.. is the concept of telling “young” people (and I quote that because, young, is a relative term really, based on who you’re talking to) “Don’t worry YOU HAVE TIME”. Not to just toss us into morbid thinking the first 3 paragraphs here.. but DO YOU HAVE TIME?! Do ANY OF US?! Think about it – yah I know the mortality rate is increasing as years go on with technological advances in the sciences and medical fields. However, just the past year alone – I’ve learned of many people passing – not necessarily all people I am, or were, close with, but people my age nonetheless, plus or minus a few years, and beyond. Not only that, but people die every day. And how many of those people were told they “had time”!? Probably 90% of them. That has always fascinated me, whether it was someone very close, and the loss was devastating, or someone you read about in the paper.. life just keeps going. Those left here, wake up another day, people still going to work, having lunch, etc.. There are SO MANY things happening in the world.. and we just keep trucking along, because time stops for no one.

Point in this idea, while I was in the Northeast visiting family and friends, on a car ride with my bestie, we talked about a related topic of “If you die tomorrow, are you happy with your last day?” A similar conversation also occurred at dinner before my flight with another good friend talking about – you don’t want to go to the gym today? DON’T. Everything is a decision we make for our own journey’s. You regret not going to the gym? Then maybe you should go. Maybe that last workout defined your presence here. I’ll tell you right now tho – NOT ME. LOL. I have given up yoga, a run, lots of things to spend time with people. Because THAT is what’s important to ME. Hence, DO YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TIME!? If someone ever asked me to grab a drink or meet up at the cafe, and I’m like – sorry gotta get this run in.. NOPE. Because I could get hit by a car while running. THEN WHAT? I missed my final chance to spend time with someone who chose to spend time with me. Now, I am a little crazy and if I really wanted to run, I would just adjust my day, and create a way to accomplish both.. anywayyyy.. Point is, my journey, I choose what is important and what I want my final day to look like.

With another death in the family, this concept hit a little harder this time. Like.. right – why do we think we have time for ALL THE THINGS? And maybe that’s why I am living with some debt due to plane tickets and travel plans. That’s why I will always say YES to any adventure, any last min plan that will make my soul happy. As much as I am excited about Tomorrow (bc all my travel plans obvs, lol), I have taken a moment every day, to ask, “If I die tomorrow, am I happy with what I did on my last day?” Now I know we need means for the ends to be able to accomplish some things we would want to – if we truly lived like today was our last. But I take it into perspective, because I know and listen to people constantly wanting to mend a broken relationship, or even just get a mani-pedi. DO IT. Will all things turn out in our favor? No. But no matter how any moment turns out, you now have the ability to say you did it. If you wake up tomorrow, theres a new opportunity (a New Beginning, if you will 😉 ) to either save face, find closure, or even revel in the glorious outcome that may have come from whatever it was you wanted to do.

I know this is no easy task, we are all victim to vulnerability, shame, self-doubt. But if even a small change in mindset can bring you to think about possibly having no tomorrow, what would you do? Or even just TRY to do? This all comes down to just being present and thinking about it a different way.

Ask her/him out, sign up for that race, join that meet up, read the extra book, go on that vacation, apply for that job. So many things that seem simple that we hold back due to the unknown reaction we may receive. Just DO IT.

If tomorrow never comes, would you be happy how you ended today?

Stay present, my friends, xoxo ❤

Non-traditional

~ NewBeginnings ~ 1 Comment

I was chatting with a friend earlier today, about the new year, blah blah.. and à la Carrie Bradshaw – I couldn’t help but wonder – what is it with traditions?

So like, we know what a tradition is: n – a long-established custom or belief that has been passed on from one generation to another. Or, in laymen’s terms – something that we “always” do.

I think I mentioned this in my last post or maybe I was just talking about it to someone, but for as long as I have been in SoCal, not one NYE has been the same. Come to think about it, no Christmas either. The closest thing to holiday traditions would be Thanksgiving, I do visit my brother every year. And possibly my Birthday – the past couple years I spent it my local watering hole, but every year has been a little different, the people mostly.

I guess my point is, the conversation from this morning was geared more at NYE, and I was having a moment, bc one of those “on this day, 85 years ago..” posts popped up and it was a NYE in Boston and the photo was insinuating the consumption of the proper bubbly concoction of champagne and Chambord. I remember making this drink another NYE while here in SoCal.. and I said out loud this morning, “All I wanted was Champagne and Chambord, I drank those every New Years!” And hence.. this is where I feel “traditions” fall flat.

The thing with – Holiday – traditions specifically, is that they are realistically short-lived. Or maybe this is just in my experience. Because as all things in life, nothing is forever.. which means, even if life is the most wonderful, eventually we all will die.

Therefore, once that moment happens, say, a person who passes, the current form of tradition, in a sense, changes. I say this because, I was seeing a lot of “what happens when the glue that holds us together leaves (is gone, or passes away)?”, posts, on the socials this year. Many commented with: MAKE NEW GLUE (ok maybe some didn’t yell, exactly, but yelling in text has been a delight lately, so thats all me lol). I digress, point is, new glue = a change in tradition.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying “traditions” are silly or meaningless, bc I definitely loved when I was part of one, or carried one on. But I guess, especially after this past year.. we need to normalize change. And I know we have all heard: “The only constant in life is CHANGE,” however, do we actually KNOW that? And ACCEPT it?

This has always been the scariest and most exciting thing to me. Change. I love it because in the 8 years living in SoCal, I have made about 7 friend groups (I just counted lol) – and in those groups are further sub-groups. I think about this, bc that means on average, I make a new friend group a year. THINK ABOUT THAT. I just hear all the silly people in my ear: “How do you meet people WITHOUT dating apps/apps in general?! It’s SO HARD.” No, its called GO OUTSIDE. Go to your local watering hole, go take a yoga class, go for a run, read a book at a coffee shop, and idk, when I was back east, everyone married each other at work! So just go to work! LOL (heres lookin at you #eastcoastfidofam) Thats how I have met people and made connections, then met other people through those people, and it goes on. And mind you, if you know me at all, you know I despise people who bother me at bars, lol, and at the coffee shop, etc.. but there is always someone who meets my energy, and the vibe is good, and friendships, and other ‘ships are made.

Through these ‘ships, some have kept and stayed since day one, i.e. I moved here in October, I met one of my best friend in November (from a mutual friend, she was looking for a new roommate), I moved in, in December, and the rest is history. Now, the volleyball friend group I met the following May/June? Inseparable like the first year. Then off-and-on the following, I was maid-of-honor at one of their weddings, then shortly after.. SEE YA. Lol. I mean, it wasn’t due to poor intentions, but life happened. Aside from random social media check-ins, I only talk to one person from that group still. ONE. And it’s not even on a consistent basis, lol.

I can go on about all the groups, those loves lost, and friendships of auld lang syne, but my point is: I, we, all of us – meet new people every.single.day. Whether we want those people in our lives or not is another story, but the opportunity is there, and those people are part of our daily “change.”

Tying these ideas of tradition and change together, is why it is all so exciting and scary at the same time to me. Because we have the opportunity to meet and experience new people/things on the daily. Think about that on a people aspect for a sec, how amazing is that?! Constantly making an impact or adding wonderful people to your life. BUT on that same notion, WE HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO MEET AND EXPERIENCE NEW PEOPLE/THINGS ON THE DAILY.

Y’all see where I’m going here?! Which means.. the people and things you experience today.. may not be the same people/things you experience in a year, a month, a week even. And as I wander through therapy to heal and repair myself, I realized that

  1. this is why loyalty and the idea of tradition is so important to me (people leaving/moments never happening again)
  2. this is why commitment is hard for me to accept (people leaving/moments never happening again)

I’m sure many people have had the feeling of this yo-yo/parallel emotion of wanting things to stay the same, but still yearning for change. I mean, as far as people are concerned, it takes a lot for me to actually trust someone and consider them my people. But at the same time, I’m high-five-ing and hiking with all these fun new people! But this is also normal for most, I think. We have all these friends, but only like 5 core people or whatever.

Anyway, because the only constant is change, how are traditions even possible? I mean, for me, the definition isn’t exactly set in stone, bc in basic terms, it’s just a long-established custom or belief (passed down from generations) – so those customs can include anyone? Like imma just make people, say, go to Christmas Eve services with me bc thats what my family did? And what exactly happens once that tradition isn’t done? (bc I haven’t gone to Christmas Eve services in like 39574594 years) Does that mean the tradition dies? Or does it become more nostalgic.. like my Champagne and Chambord on NYE? OR are traditions personal/singular? Because what if my brother hated celebrating Christmas on Christmas Eve like our family has done every year (with or without us there, pretty much every year until this year). I would think that would mean it’s NOT a tradition for him, but it still is with the “family”?

Anywayyy, in all this gibberish, and for someone who focuses on the little things #details, I just find the “bigger picture” fascinating. With everyday being a literal new beginning it’s a wild flurry of excitement and fear of the new, and possible loss of whatever is not-new. And I guess, as a side note, as much as I truly believe that you can:

“Meet someone tomorrow who has better intentions for you than someone you have known forever. Time means nothing, character does.”

I do have so much respect, and admiration to those who have kept any tradition, or people in their lives for a long time. I think of one of my Aquarian Soul-Sisters, who I have been best friends with for omg.. FIFTEEN YEARS?! And although there was a small snippet of time where we were off running our lives, we have literally been soul- inseparable (we live on opposite coasts now 😦 ) But think about it – 15years. Thats a lot of time to meet a whole lot of people. I mean in just 8 years, I have 7 different friend groups! So that also makes me wonder, are things just meant to be? Or is it all a choice?

This is also why couples who have been together for 10, 20, 50 years (and are in HEALTHY relationships) are admirable. Again, that’s a lot of time to meet so many people. Some say, you must “choose” your partner every day. Like working out, it’s a choice #priorities. Is THAT all tradition is? A choice, a conscious decision, to do or keep things continuing?

Anywayyy, I’m just going down a rabbit hole now. So if you made it this far, embrace the change. Accept traditions that may have been “lost”. Let yourself be sad if you lose a friend or lose touch with a colleague. Constantly remind yourself (or at least TRY to) that the chances of all the same.exact.people being there, in a few weeks time even, is not a sure bet. That being said, cherish every moment. Enjoy the time you have with others, and also in the activities you are involved in; and of course, take care of the ones who never seem to leave (that are HEALTHY relationships), and continue any “tradition” you’re still able to. Because as great as new opportunities are, new people, new traditions.. what is new may also be a replacement, and sometimes not for the better. And then you find yourself on January 1st, some random year, wondering where your Champagne and Chambord was on NYE.

Cheers!

p.s. are you now in a tug-o-war with excitement and fear for tomorrow!? eek! I half apologize if that is now happening, but it is also one of the BEST feelings in the world. #itscalledbeinggrateful

i love elephants, and theres one in the room

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Its name is 2020. Need I say more?

Well, I’m gonna! Lol

I was thinking this morning and chatting with my roommate about the past year, and we discussed not only how crazy this year has been.. But more so, how much can change, in so “little” time. By little, I mean anything from 1 month, to an entire year. And yes, a year is a small amount of time in the big picture of life. As I approach 30-10 (yes I will use this for as long as I can, and be annoying about it and I don’t care, bc I am not part of those people above 39) One year seems so small now – I’ve started looking at life in, like, 5 year increments. Point is, we talked about last year – and the beginning of this year (before pandemic lockdowns) and we reminisced about when I moved in, in April. Literally within a month, I searched for a new home, got denied for my current place because someone was already getting background checked, then getting a call that it fell through, and the place is mine after all!

Fast forward and here we are, 7 months later, and I can’t believe it’s almost been a year. On top of life events, we also talked about relationships.. And as we approach another new year, I realized I have not done the same thing, or spent time with the same people 2 years in a row for New Years. I literally looked back at my socials and checked every New Years I celebrated since moving to SoCal, and the closest I got to spending time, or celebrating with the same people would be 2014 and 2016 (I think? I cant remember anymore, all I remember was there was a year gap in between) I spent New Years with one of my cousins and that group of friends. Then again 2018 and 2020, I celebrated with friends and one friend in particular was there both years. But even then, both events were very different and the people involved were even more different, aside from the one familiar face.

I don’t know if this is the same for all you reading, but my life in particular, clearly revolves around meeting new people all the time, creating new connections, friendships, and sadly weaning out those who no longer keep my soul on fire.

I even think back to a particular Birthday of a wonderful person, who I no longer really connect with anymore.. but I spent about $200 if I remember correctly, on this person for her Birthday. She never had a Spa/Massage experience, and I wanted to give that gift of experience for her. Some people thought I was a little crazy as I had only known this person maybe a year at this point, but we had gown closer the past couple months – and I distinctly remember saying something along the lines of: You never know what is going to happen tomorrow, I may never celebrate another Birthday with her again, so I’m taking advantage of time now, and just the mere fact that I can afford such gift, because THAT could be the change in coming years as well.

I also remember the faces of the people I said this to. I wish we could be constantly reminded of that idea, because literally within 3 months of that Birthday, I broke up with a mutual friend I was dating, tension arose, and then a separate issue of mis-communication happened.. and here we are no longer close, lol.

As I was thinking about these events this morning within my roommate chat, I somehow got so excited for tomorrow, I actually started to tear up. Because as much as the unknown scares me.. i.e. this is why I’m still single, (bc the thought of losing someone in a blink of an eye is scarier than knowing it could be forever) I ABSOLUTELY LOVE the idea and fact that anything is possible tomorrow.

And I know I have blogged about this in the past – but I think with all that has happened this year.. the excitement, and hope, and faith in the future is just emotional for me right now. Maybe because I just want to manifest so much for myself and those I love. Maybe because I’ve felt lonely for the first time, in a LONG time, and knowing the possibilities are endless in meeting new people or even reuniting with people from days before. And not that I’m saying going back to exes is ever a good idea, but truth be told, I have a handful of “loves lost” that are very good friends, and it’s wild to think back to the person I was then vs the person I am today.

That’s the thing with connections.. they are just THERE. You can’t quite explain it, the same way as when there ISN’T a connection. And sometimes, as we have read in all the clichéd quotes, sometimes, you meet people for a reason, a season, and whatever else comes next.. but you get my point.

As I start to think about how to close out this random-ass post, that I just decided to do because: 1) its literally been almost a year since my last post, and 2) we are headed into the season of giving and gratefulness – I guess I want to make sure ya’ll get something out of this.

So long story, a little longer – as I was looking at the past year, it was also a bit upsetting. This time last year, I was invited to go to Bali. This time last year I was booking hotel and airfare to Boston for one of my most favorite peoples wedding. 90% of 2019 was an adventure and I finally felt like I was learning who I was. I had posts going into December, then January (Birthday Season!), about how busy 2020 was already turning out to be. I planned a small Birthday outing because Europe 2020 was supposed to be the plan for the 30-10 celebration. Everything was cancelling from that point on.

But on a recent zoom meeting at work, first question was: how are you feeling? One of the next questions was about how to improve culture, and one of my favorite people made me rethink the year. She said (and I paraphrase here): Although its been a tough year, there was still SO MUCH good. We had people making babies, having babies, getting married, buying homes, getting engaged – and that was just people from work!

I thought about this personally, I ALSO had friends having babies, buying land and building homes, and making huge moves like I did at 31 to another state to see what else is out there in the world. There was good, lots of it. It was just hidden by the loud screams of society. And by screams, I mean the non-factual, negative, shouting from many different sides on many different issues. When it comes to important issues, its one thing to debate, argue even.. FACTS – but its another to just yell opinions with no basis of truth. If you know anything about me – I love facts! I love truth. Because whether we like it or not, facts and truths allow people to make decisions. And its nothing we can challenge. This is also why I love emotions – dem betches don’t lie.

Moving on, point of that last story share, is that all these small details, I assume are the reason for this newfound hope and optimism. Because there is still good no matter how bad anything seems. And to bridge all these points, its the people that help bring us there.

Look at who is around you, what’s that saying? You are who your closest 5 friends are.. (or whatever) Who are those people!? Are they good support systems? Do they challenge you? Is there anyone you have learned from? Should you reach out to them again if they fell of your life wagon? Is there someone you need to push OFF the wagon?! Are there people fueling your fire? Or are they stealing your heat to improve their own flame and leave you cold?

As we close out one of the most turbulent years most of us have ever experienced, remember its been proven that people and community are what keeps people happy and provide longevity. This is a great time, if you don’t already, to revisit wants and needs – and the people behind them. Because again, the only constant in life is change. And as scary as that is for me – mainly my fear of losing people – I do truly feel so good about what’s to come because life can change in a millisecond. I am choosing to view that as a positive, and I hope y’all absorb that energy in whatever aspect of your life needs it.

I will now leave you with my screenshot below where my message transcends people and describes all aspects of life, work, hobbies, etc.. ❤ Can’t wait for more of those conversations.

Cheers!

the most wonderful time of the year

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

It’s Birthdayyy Seasonnn! 🙂

I’m sure you newbies are wondering why the heck I enjoy ticking off another year of life off the tick-sheet, like it’s some kind of CELEBRATION?! Lmaooo well, another year, another New Beginning.

Birthday Season to me, as I know it is for others, is a time of reflection. Where were you this time last year? Where are you now? And not for anything, it doesn’t matter what happened or what you did. And this sounds cray coming from someone whose sole purpose in life is to travel and experience ALL THE THINGS. And I am so pumped of all the traveling and experiences I did/had the past year.

But what it really comes down to is.. Did you learn anything? About yourself, about others, about life? Anything? Did you at least learn what a good cup of coffee tastes like? Point is, I had a year of ups and downs almost as perfect as the dictionary can describe either action.

I started the first part of the year traveling, experiencing, feeling so free and determined, found passions in things, motivated to find a career with purpose. I struggled with a hint of heartache around May.. Then June happened.

Another loss in the family in the past 16mo. I didn’t talk about it much to you “outsiders” lol, but if you know anything about my family dynamic you understand. Losing my Nana last year was harder than ever expected, and this year was difficult in a different way. After having to be emotionally strong for others, I was off again traveling and experiencing things with no time to absorb the internal stress that was created. I know, white people problems, #sorrynotsorry.

Then mid-July came. I had already been struggling since June and been in therapy more than ever. That trip back “home” in June really took me to a place internally I never thought I’d have to deal with again. The resentment, anger, pain, other words that can’t nearly explain the emotional vomit that came flooding my insides. Through all this, I was still breaking my own heart thinking I could love someone enough to have them love me back (I know this is unrealistic and pathetic, stop judging). I shut my phone off for 2 weeks because the anxiety of seeing other people’s lives was actually painful.

Oh and the drinking – hahahaha I promise I don’t love drinking as much as I actually consumed during the summer months.

Depression set in. I barely got out of bed, except to drink, and work. Y’all are lucky if I showered. I was a complete and utter mess. Now mind you, I still trudged through life with a smile on my face, and did the only thing I know to do that makes me feel good. Give to others. Pep-talk? I’m there! Ride to the airport #obvi (I mean, I LOVE doing this anyway lol, lets be honest) Concert tickets? LETS DOOO THISSSS. Plane tickets?! I’ve given awayyyyy worseee.

And then fall and winter happened, and here we are! Lol, I know thats a huge zip through, but these past couple months started bringing the year into perspective.

I LEARNED:

1) It’s ok to not have a “good year” even though you still had MANY good things happen.

2) That although losses are difficult, whether in life, friendships, or relationships, those people and moments brought you here, and gave you understanding of something new.

3) People really do come and go as you need them. This pains my heart because I wish I could keep you all! But holding on too tight to anything: ropes, steering wheels, dog leashes, emotions.. lol, starts hurting more than letting go.

This is why I love Birthday Season, and join it with why I live by quotes – Someone, somewhere, has a way to put your emotions to words when you can’t.

They say (whoever they are) that “birthdays are good for your health.. people with more of them live longer.”

Sorry, lame joke, but for reals. This is why every year, every day, every moment, matters. We don’t know when our last day will be. All we know is now. So if you get another Birthday, CELEBRATE dammit! Hehehe

Reflect, learn, and be better. Not sure if you know this, but life isn’t a competition. What only matters is where each of us are going, and where our own paths lead us. Maybe thats why I love running, the only time to beat is what I ran last time. Me, my time.

Me, my life. You, your life.

Thankfully though, some of us will help and motivate each other through the next year. I love cheering at races and finish lines! I cry all sorts of happy tears, lol.

Be kind, celebrate yourselves, be present, and if you can, love, xoxo.

Cheers!

ghost of everyday pasts (unedited)

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

The holidays bring about many emotions. One in particular is, I mean, not unhealthy necessarily, but is one reason many people get depressed: Nostalgia.

Now don’t get me wrong, being nostalgic is wonderful in many cases, it reminds you of good times, times you often forget about in childhood, wonderful traditions that bring a warm fuzzy feeling.. But what people tend to forget when you blast yourself into the past is, that you’re not there anymore. I know that seems a little obvious, but this is something I realized more this year than any other year.

I read somewhere once, something along the lines of: It’s ok to feel.. immerse yourself in the emotion, then let it go, do not dwell, do not live there.

The holidays, however, we try and live there. And I mean, this can go all year long really, with any moment that triggers a memory, but the holidays we just feel more. It’s an emotional time in general. You remember times that you will never have again, people who have left, and warmth that never seems to feel as warm.

This by no means is a problem, hence, nostalgia.. but remember not to dwell, or linger, or live there. So many times we fall into the memory hole and forget the blessings in front of you. And thats not to say discount your feelings of the past, but for some reason, generally speaking, people are so fascinated by what happened yesterday, 3 years ago, or even when we were 2. I know I may have written about this concept before that: if you focus on yesterday, how will you make new friends, meet your soulmate, have babies even?! Those moments are now. Things are happening all the time, every second of every day.

I know there are fears of forgetting people, or even ourselves.. being afraid that once we leave this world our impact will be forgotten. The spirit of anyone who has lived any sort of life, lives on in what we do in their memory. Their impact on us is what lives on. My Nana, for example, I was missing her more than I ever expected recently. I’ll say the reason is because my anxiety was real bad this year. She was the one person in my life, from what I’ll always remember, that no matter how terrible we thought life was, and I mean, I remember when I was younger complaining about everything under the sun, from stupid boys, to high school angst.. and even when I got divorced and I was embarrassed at myself, and thought I was a miserable human being, she was always the person who would acknowledge the pain, the problem, but then remind me that I was stronger than any of those things. Her cup always runneth over, and she would always say things like, “well there’s nothing you can do about it now,” and “you’ll find something better,” or “I never worry about my Kara because she always figures it out.” Another was, “my Kara, always doing wonderful things,” lol. And all of that is paraphrasing obvi, because, it’s the past, we physically can’t remember every detail of every moment, so I’m sure I missed a lot in those conversations. And this is why we can’t live there, in the past, because even what we do remember is never 100% accurate. (Why live in a lieeee lol you get my point)

Anyway, I chose to keep that goodness in me and spread the same sort of ideals as she did. Now, is my execution as good as what I remember of Nana? Probably not, or maybe it’s better? I have no real way of knowing, but those moments impacted me enough to know that the way we view things can really affect how we react to them. And just as the fact of, “there’s nothing you can do about it now,” is so true about anything, even moments as recent as a minute ago. So just as Nana tried to instill in us that today is a new day, and tomorrow can even be better, that lives on, at least in me (to new beginnings!!). And if I make any sort of impact on others, that spirit continues on.

So bringing this full circle, when you find yourself lingering in moments that no longer spark joy, or even ones that do, remember that even good memories are selective, and come back and see what’s in front of you. Life comes in waves, and the things that no longer serve you, or even things that are just no longer relevant, always come back in some way. Let them pass, feel them flow through, all the good, all the bad, remember not to dwell, do not live there. Because before you know it, you’re either under water, or trying to swim back to shore. Just let it flow through, and enjoy the beautiful view that is in front of you.

In the spirit of the the holidays, stay present, my friends ❤

another anxiety post (unedited)

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I have such a hard time with people who don’t have the capacity to empathize with others, in this particular instance, I’m talking about mental illness. I don’t expect anyone to completely understand how this feels (unless they go through it themselves, of course, but even then, how it happens is different to everyone, and the outcomes are also different) but I always hope that the people around me are conscious enough to stay away from the obligatory: “But today is good right?” “Have you tried..” And the worse of them all, “It’s gonna be ok.”

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Not that people in my situation don’t know that things will eventually be ok, but that does not help the situation if someone is currently in a struggle. You have no idea how much I appreciate people who don’t try and give me advice, or try and  “fix” my issues. Because no one can fix them, it’s a mental thing! I am the holder of my thoughts, and it is I, who is the one who can “fix” anything, if there is anything that needs fixing, that is. But to those who listen, and talk through things, and share experiences themselves, no matter how relatable or not.. THOSE are my people. In life, we will never be able to save everyone, I learned that the hard way. But we can support, and accept, and LISTEN.

It took me a long time to realize that no one could “help” me. I kept thinking a boyfriend, or my friends, my Dr’s, my Therapist, were there to make this better and “fix” it. It was, not scary per say, but maybe.. no, it was a little scary, lol, but also enlightening to know I was the holder of my emotions, and that no one but myself can make me “better”. Not that others can’t help in other ways, but to assume an outside being was going to “save” me, that’s just pure cray, cray.

A wonderful person in my life talked me through and reminded me of all the good that happened this year because I was focusing so much on the downside, as this was a very difficult year emotionally. Lots of therapy, lots of anxiety, lots of depression, lots of loneliness. I did appreciate the talk, but also didn’t know how to vocalize that I know I am overly blessed. I know all the good, all the travel and amazing trips I went on this year, all the moments with my babies and watching them grow. Trust me, I know. I experienced them, I was there, lol. But thats the thing with mental illness, it pokes at the positives. I literally feel like I have a devil and an angel on my shoulders. There are days I have literally yelled (in my brain and even vocally) NOT TODAY SATAN!!

Over the weekend, I had another, lets call it.. episode. Doing something completely normal no less, and what I would consider an ideal situation. I was doing laundry on Saturday, and was pumped to find the laundromat empty with only about 3 people doing laundry. YES! Two of them were finishing up, and I had the place just about to myself.

When I started finishing up, the last person there had gone off, and it was wonderful and quiet, I live for these laundry days! UNTIL, out of nowhere, I became panicked. Any other day this moment was a moment of celebration, so I was yelling at my brain like, “The fuck bruh, why you stressin?!” And in the moments following, I had the biggest bout of anxiety with a fear that someone was going to come and try and steal me (for those who know anything about me, this is a normal, yet strange, fear of mine, lol – but it has never really created panic, its just been a thing I know about myself).

Anyway, I started rushing, kept breathing, focusing on my breath, I could feel my heart beating, I kept telling myself I’m fine.. and then RAN OUT OF THERE.

This, people, this is a snippet of what anxiety is all about. It is unexplainable to the masses, and many people think you’re cray. Like how do you explain this completely irrational moment to someone without feeling like an idiot?! Because I know the emotion is ridiculous, but I can’t always control it. And when things like this happen, I feel bad for myself, and sometimes end up in depression. I could barely get out of bed the next 38hrs. I do try and force myself out, to do an errand or two, but always end up home, and feeling trapped.

The night of this incident, I unexpectedly caught up with an old friend from college, and he said to me: “Wow, I never thought you had issues or anxiety over anything, you’re always so positive.” I laughed and said, “Yah, I’m that PSA where they say it’s “always the happy one, the funny one, the positive one.” But he actually had a hard time grasping that I, the positive one could feel and understand his issues so well. I never said this, but wanted to say, “Well, THAT’S HOW I understand so much!”

every-moment-is-a-new-beginning-quote-1

This blog has turned from emotional venting, to relationship venting, (those posts always make me smile, lol) to dealing with anxiety. I guess it makes a little sense because life evolves, and just as this blog was intended, every moment of our lives is a new beginning, so it only makes sense that content also evolves.

But one thing will never change: Every moment literally is a New Beginning. And just like every moment of crippling anxiety, I have to remind myself, tomorrow can be, and will be different. This is why New Years is just a reason to party for me. So many times in life has a New Beginning not come on January 1st. Moving to SoCal is one of those moments, getting a new job is another. We don’t wait around and start our lives in January, so why the build up?

Anyway, I digress.. point of today was to share a story, to help maybe provide some more insight in the world of what people like me go through. Maybe this helps someone who thinks they are equally cray, I gotchu.

In a world trying to grow a culture of acceptance, remember those who do not show their illnesses, those who are embarrassed of their “problems”, those who don’t know how to explain what is going on. Be kind, be supportive, and sometimes, just be there.

Stay kind my friends, xoxo

❤

wheres miranda when i need her (unedited)

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Sex & the City – Season 2 Episode 10

One of my absolute favorite episodes because it truly explains how women are (many times) punished for their success. I know I’ve blogged about this concept before, but in the midst of Tswift’s The Man, and just my recent experiences, I was compelled to write about another sleeve of this double standard.

I go to a local bar.. it’s my very own Cheers.. everyone knows my name. I tip well, and have made some.. acquaintances, if you will. What fascinates me though, is even though I tip rather well (20-50% depending on the day) I do not get the same respect or treatment as male regulars. And mind you, I’ve been, and still am, a regular at many places, but this place in particular, I notice the difference.

Maybe because the type of bar it is? Maybe because the the traffic that comes through? I don’t know, but what I DO know is, when it’s busy I am patient and understanding, and I don’t let the busyness deter me from tipping well or taking it personal. But I also always notice other regulars who frequent this place.. almost all of whom are male.. are still always taken care of in a timely manner.

Now, don’t get me wrong.. women are different personality-wise by nature.. but is that any reason to take advantage of those qualities? I know for a fact I make the same, if not more, than many of those men who frequent this place, but yet, my dollar is undermined by the fact that I’m a female. Even by female staff no less!

Why does society hate successful women? Why must I BE understanding if I’m served after a man? Even fellow women can’t stand successful women! *face_palm* No one questions the man who shows up every night to have a cocktail and sits at the bar for a few hours, yet I receive looks and questions of why I’m there so often. This then turns into “jokes” which in turn just shows that women aren’t allowed to “act” like men.

HOW ABOUT WE JUST ACT LIKE PEOPLE. PEOPLE WHO HAVE STRESSFUL JOBS THAT MAKE THEM WANT TO DRINK.

I understand this post is slightly 2-fold: treatment and success. But many times it comes hand-in-hand. This even more frustrates me that I am constantly judged for both.

I don’t think there’s much moral to this story due to the fact that my situation, and the situations of other successful women won’t change overnight. But I guess use this as a reminder of inequality and societal stigma that is sadly still ingrained even in this new generation of “activists” and “free thinkers”.

It costs nothing to be kind.

✌🏻

that time i was smarter than my smart phone

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

July 14th was a very special day, it was a Sunday. I actually can’t even type that with a straight face. Thinking about it makes me laugh.. and cry.. and cry some more, lol. The night of the 14th I had one of the worst anxiety attacks I’ve had in a long time. I had the worst dream, waking up at like 3am literally soaked in my own sweat. So bad, that I had to get out of bed and change.

Long story short, after some wild txt, social media insanity, work needs and an adjustment of my schedule, I turned my phone off from Tuesday, the 16th at 2pm until Sunday, the 28th at 12pm. Not only was this quite a learning experience, but also a bucket of realizations.

Some major points:

  • Time and directions
  • Honesty
  • Priorities
  • **How you feel about yourself never changes

Time and Directions. If I’m being honest, this was really the only downfall of the two weeks, haha. I never realized how much I needed a watch (totally bought myself a watch 😉 ). But really, I’d always wanted one anyway.. and this solidified a reason to purchase. Traffic more than directions was my other issue here. If you know me at all, you know that the minute I go anywhere once, I will find it again. Will I get lost in the process? Possibly, but I will still make it without directions. It really only matters when trying to find somewhere I’ve never been.. three times I had to either print or write down some google maps madness, lol. But the checking of traffic.. man, having to consider a worse-case scenario every time I travel wastes a little time, and sometimes, it still made me late.

Honesty. One of my fav servers said to me (paraphrasing): “that’s scary, it’s one thing to tell the truth, it’s another to be honest.” As we continued conversation, turns out people are afraid of honesty yet want the truth. <<insert.confused.emoji.here>>

Honesty: Expressing your feelings and opinions accurately.
Truth: Accurate representation of reality. (Facts)

Exhibit A: Truth – no I don’t remember your name

Exhibit B: Honesty – no I don’t remember your name because I wasn’t interested in remembering it

This was the hardest. Because in life, I’ll guestimate 99% of us use our phones as a barrier to people we don’t want to interact with in public – in the waiting room at the Dr office, the bus, the train, at the bar waiting for friends.. etc. I go out alone all the time, especially to my regular locations. But going to a bar alone as a woman, even in 2019, is THE.WORST. I never win. I either talk just to be polite, ruining my own time, or I use my phone as an excuse and get berated by men because of it. Without a phone, and having my anxiety higher than normal, I had no choice but to finally be honest with people. I actually told a guy I was not interested in his conversation and that he could still talk, but I didn’t care. That one actually went well. Another however, (from the exhibit above) pretty much tried to make me feel bad because I didn’t remember him from 4 months ago. FOUR MONTHS. Although I wished I was a little more honest with that one, lol, it ended with him practically yelling at me and calling me a terrible person.

Overall I didn’t hate the experience though. I appreciated having to learn how to talk to people again, and being conscious of explanation. Even though most of the experiences probably increased my anxiety, lol, in the end I felt better putting my emotions out there so I didn’t have to deal with these people again if I didn’t want to. Fakeness doesn’t look good on me.

Priorities. Just as these random people I don’t care to be friends with, or anything else for that matter, reminded me about what was important, I also learned how important I was to others. And I guess this could all be relative, this “important” idea. Because most people didn’t know my phone was off until it was “too late” if you will. It was interesting to see though, people that did freak out a little who noticed I had “disappeared” and those I never heard from. Either way, the whole point was to escape for a while. But I did tell some people, work for example, so they didn’t think I was being rude. I told my brother and sister-in-law, and my besties. Others found out as the days were going either because someone would mention it or I had to explain myself. So if there were any emergencies, everyone knew to either email me or message me on one particular social media. That was the thing too, I realized social media meant nothing to me. I will talk about that a little more as I close out this post.

But in deciding who to tell, and who “didn’t matter” was strange. Because some people I wanted to tell, not like they don’t matter, but some people are just noise. And I’m also not saying it’s all bad noise.. but noise all the same. My trainer for example, texts me all the time to see how I’m doing, and that’s fine, but the thing is, why do I feel the NEED to respond? It’s not “important”. But my anxiety always makes me feel obligated to respond to everything all the time at that moment. So I learned not to respond to messages other than those I needed, like making plans, confirming locations, letting people know I got home safe.

This also reminded me of 2 things: how sad our society is, but also how much love is out there.

The nights I went out I saw both examples. One night I went to a show at the House of Blues. A bunch of fans were there of course, but it was amazing how many people were literally just filming, or live streaming the entire freakin set with their phones. Like, get out of my way so I can jump around, sing along, and SEE the band. I don’t want to look at your phone all night, and it’s sad that this is how you experience life RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. But on the other hand, I was at the bar one night, and I had nothing to do at that point but people watch. I looked around and I felt like I was in the opening credits of Love Actually. “If you look for it, I’ve got a sneaky feeling you’ll find that love actually is all around.” -HG. Seriously, It was like slo-mo watching people NOT on their phones, talking, laughing, genuinely enjoying their time with people. You could see first dates, some hoping they were on dates, and many friends just getting together.

Priorities. Would you rather live your life in the moment, or through a screen? Do you live for experiences, or just for the IG? And again, priorities are really a relative idea, because what is important is different to all of us, but the question is, are you putting the things that give you life priority? The things, people, experiences, that make you smile. Or are you constantly putting tasks, or negative energy first? Work over family, “old” friends over good friends, or an ex over a new possibility? This was an eye opener for me because I no longer had something to distract me.

How You Feel About Yourself. One thing is for sure.. no matter phone off or on.. the way you feel about yourself will not change. Like I mentioned before, social media wasn’t my problem. We are constantly looking for a reason to why we view ourselves the way we do.. not saying that social media doesn’t play a part with all the “fake news” but no matter what you look at everyday, or read.. when you get home, alone in your room, the only thing you compare yourself to is what you were yesterday.. or 3 years ago.. At least for me, those fitness models don’t make me feel bad about about myself, a picture from 5yr ago makes me feel bad about myself.. getting (or even not getting) txt and messages from all the wrong people don’t make me sad, my insecurities make me sad. I am the only thing I can control, and I am the only person who can change me.

This was the largest epiphany of the two weeks. As much as we distract ourselves from “reality” through our phones, we forget it’s how we react to reality that causes most of our problems.

annie

Mental health and all, we still create our means to our ends. And I’m not going to tell any of you to turn your phones off for two weeks, but I will say this:

Whatever you use as a distraction, phone, Netflix, computer, social media, etc.. just remember what it is, and what it should be. Technology was created to help society, use it for that. Skyping with your favorite people who live in another state, being able to see vaca pics from your bestie while she is away, keeping up with your nieces’ and nephews’ 852493740 activities and sporting events so you can keep being a proud auntie/uncle. Try NOT to use it for distraction. Talk to people, be honest with them. In a society filled with messages of accepting others, live it, don’t just talk about it. Change happens with action not talk.

And there it is. Action. I came to a point in my mental health where I realized I needed to take action. As drastic or not as turning off a phone may be, I needed to do something for me. I needed to take care of myself, I needed to remember that you can’t fill from an empty cup. I may live with this the rest of my life, but for what I can control, I know I can “escape” and the world will still turn, and I will still have another chance tomorrow.

I mean, I’m also not going to say don’t turn your phone off for two weeks, because realizing how amazing and scary it was, definitely was eye opening. From feeling free, to being scared that I might get into a car accident and can’t call for help – like all things, there was good and bad. And learning to cope with both was helpful in realizing how much I can control myself, and my reactions.

So remember my friends, take care of yourselves, whether conventional or crazy. Do you boo. And also remember it’s people who are important, not the devices you use communicate with them.

 

❤

 

 

hit me like a hurricane

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I’m alive!

I honestly can’t believe how long it has been since my last post. For those who are still out there following me, and those who have been reading recently, a very big THANK YOU, to you!

I have been traveling A LOT, especially this year. Most for fun, one due to a family death, but all sending me across the country nonetheless. As we all know, if you have read any posts on this page, I have anxiety and depression. And with all the travel, and death, and well, life.. I hadn’t had time to see my therapist. After my last trip, an actual vacation! I finally saw my lovely Dr. and verbally vomited a lot of what was held in, the past 6 months. There were some weird dreams I had, and a lot of emotions needing to be discussed.

One thing we always work on is meditation. I’m terrible at this. I think it’s a little weird if I’m gonna be honest, but I know it helps. One thing my therapist always tells me, is that no one is perfect at meditation, it’s not supposed to be “perfected”. Because my mind is constantly running at 435948732 miles an hour, I always seem to wander off or lose track, and not that I have to be but I always feel bad, or like I’m failing. Positive note is that my therapist also always says that’s what meditation is, working on coming back to center. So the thing is, if I’m wandering and NOT coming back to center.. then there’s an issue. But the constant work of coming back to center is the work I need to be doing.

Point of this preface is that last night, I was trying to meditate. Per usual, my brain had me going in 78 directions and I’m having conversations that don’t exist with people who have no idea about the way I feel.. etc.. But in my ramblings to myself, 2 topics came to mind:

  1. I was talking something out about the “good & bad”. But then caught myself saying: but why does there always have to be “bad”? Why can’t it be “good & opportunistic”? Because in every, and I mean EVERY “bad” there is always a good. No matter how far off or morbid, or partially insane the idea may be, there is always a good. Now, I’m not discounting the pain and/or struggle we may have when things go wrong, or even when we lose a loved one.. but there is still, and always will be, a silver lining.
  2. Heartbreak. I’m sure somewhere in my internal conversations these two topics somehow merged, but heartbreak in a separate sense fascinated me for some time. Because as most of you know, I LOVE, love. Because love moves mountains, saves lives, brings people together, and in it’s purest form is nothing but contentment.

And this my friends is where my post has led me today. I was thinking about people I care about and the concept of love again.. that Love is: 1 Corinthians: 13. Not that I’m trying to make y’all read the bible, but point is that Love is pure, and all that is good.

Love is not Lust. Love is not obsession. Love is not fear. Love is not expectation. Love is not sex. Love is not attractiveness. Love is not flirting. Love is not pain. I can go on, but lastly, heartbreak has nothing to do with love.

Those items noted above are in and of themselves things, feelings, and separate entities of life that create emotion, sometimes pain, confusion, conflict, and questions.

Love, in and of itself, is the only thing that makes all those above disappear. Love itself is pure optimism, peace, and answers.

A few months back, I was talking to my best friend about love and heartbreak, and how we wouldn’t be who we are without the experiences we have had. And we talked about other people we knew some who have, and possibly have NOT had these same experiences. The conversation turned to: you can’t understand love, or life even, if you have not experienced heartbreak. Never in a million years did I think I would ever say.. FALSE.

I thought about that last night, while “trying” lol, to meditate. I have been heartbroken 4 times. You always remember those times people. They are terrible times. 3 times from the hands of men, and one time from my own. Broke my own damn heart.

And let me tell you. Heartbreak, or heartache is nothing, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING I wish upon ANYONE. I used to think: “Can’t wait till someone breaks his heart/breaks her heart.. then they will know/understand……..”

NO. I don’t care what you have done to me in this world. I wish this emotion, or life episode, on NO ONE. Just thinking about it, I fell into a small hole remembering what that felt like. And at the time people would say, “Well you loved him.” Yes. Past Tense. Because I realized, if you become heartbroken, it was not true love. It was possibly something else. Lust, sex, obsession, expectation, friendship even (that involved expectation).. but not love.

Heartbreak literally throws you under a bus. An unmoving one. It’s suffocating. It is the true definition of depression. There is a hole, an empty space in your stomach. You can literally feel it. It’s like a daily stomachache. The hole in your heart is similar, but strangely enough not as painful. Maybe because it knows it wasn’t love.

But this pit in your stomach.. not only does that hurt, your head hurts, your muscles hurt, your joints hurt. You definitely do not want to get out of bed. You sleep for days. The crying.. OH THE CRYING. I’m telling you, it is unbearably painful. Every part of your being hurts. It hurts to laugh, it hurts to think. You think you are going crazy. Not only the physical pain.. but seriously how can your emotions hurt too?! How, I tell you!?

I can literally re-feel it right now. Once it happens I don’t think that memory will ever leave, maybe because it’s a reminder to be better next time and work to NOT get to that place again. Remember, not all breakups lead to heartbreak/ache, so to be conscious of that can help alleviate any future breakup/relationship issues.

In that context, to finish this off – I was talking to a friend before I finished editing this, and he mentioned in his last few relationships that he kind of set himself up to sort of expect a breakup. Not that he didn’t hope for longevity, but understanding reality he just realized that if the relationship did end, then it was nothing “unexpected”. Me, being the over-thinker that I am, internally questioned: Was this just a typical “guy” set up into relationships? Did this take away from the validity of the relationship? Is this the new wave of not allowing yourself to be vulnerable and not fully putting yourself into the relationship? Or did this just answer my idea of working to NOT get into a place of heartbreak?

Either way, emotions have no definitive answer because they are felt, but one thing is for certain – Love that is real and pure does not create pain. Pain is a separate and individual emotion. Relationships are not black and white, but heartbreak/ache (or at least the memory of it) is forever.

Be mindful of how your relationships are, whether romantically, or friendship. Friends can break hearts too you know, and Love is meant to grow, not diminish.

Lastly, if you’ve never felt heartbreak, spread love to more people. You have a gift, and I hope you always feel that goodness.

❤

 

 

 

 

Untitled 2

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I felt compelled to write tonight.

Maybe because it’s been a while? Also maybe because ideas and emotions always flow through my brain when I’m depressed or anxious because that’s what causes the issue in the first place, amiright?! Just casually sitting here, creating unrealistic life scenarios all day and thinking the world is out to get me. #nobigs

Therapy has been tough recently. Not “tough” as in difficult per say, but tough emotionally. Don’t get me wrong, I know that’s the point. To shake up unresolved emotions and get them out. It’s a process, a daily challenge. And like 80% of this worlds population, I have issues.

  1. Control issues (where this comes from is a novel, so let’s not go there today)
  2. When I begin to “feel” not in control of life, I panic and ultimately become a very difficult person. I snap, I’m rude, I’m a super bitch, and then I ignore the world for a minute to “make a point” (<< seriously I’m a crazy person) and then when my point isn’t understood I get angry again and sort of create situations of self-sabotage in order to try and “control” something or someone.. see #1

One thing I do rather well is fight with people in order to inflict emotion. I tell myself I’m just challenging their thought process, but no, I know I’m just fighting. Because for some ungodly reason, fighting still equates emotion for me. I lived many a life where fighting = caring. Now, I KNOW this is not true. Fighting does not equal caring. But it’s still in there somewhere, and needs to release. I actually didn’t realize how bad this was until recently.

Because I realized.. the person I keep “trying” (I’m not quite succeeding more than just making myself mad and becoming disappointed in myself) to fight with, isn’t “fighting” back. And when the words (verbatim btw): “I’m just waiting for you to tell me to shut the fuck up!” came out of my mouth, it hit me, very, very, very.. VERY hard.

Why. Why must someone need to fight back? Why am I even doing this? Why do I think this will change anything? I mean, through all my therapy and self-realization I do know the answers here.. but I think my “why” is more like.. Why is that emotion still inside me?

I thought I got rid of it. I thought I had come to a point of clarity, using a LOT of practice I might add, in letting things go. Letting the hurt and painful emotions go. I keep ignoring those calls from the past.. why do they keep calling?!

The worst is that I am hardest on myself. Because just as I talked about this yesterday with a wonderful person.. the only thing I can control is myself.. what I do, and more specifically what I put or don’t put in my body. So let’s play What Year is it?! And let’s go back to 1999 and stop eating! Because I can control that. Now I understand I need to consume nutrients in order to function, so I do take care of that in a sense, so I don’t pass out. And please no one yell at me, because I also KNOW this is not healthy by any means, and I will eventually find myself in trouble. If you come at me trying to feed me, I’ll punch you in the throat. (Do we need to revisit my “fighting” issues? lol) I am just sharing a story that I’m sure many can relate to in some form or fashion. And really for me, and again, I KNOW this isn’t a great remedy, but if I “punish” myself, I can hurt no one else.

For those who know me, know I am a kind, giving, loving, positive even! person by nature. So many people are shocked when they find out I go to therapy because they have no clue the trauma I had to deal with to just get to this point.

So anyway, to not spiral too deep, I will say this: Thank you to those who are patient with me. Thank you to those who understand (or at least try to) my pain and can help talk me through things. Thank you to those for just reading this and seeing me as a person who is just trying to live their best life and not just post all that is wonderful. Although, I could totally post about Kate & Pete foreverrrrrr ❤ lol

the-people-who-are-meant-to-be-in-your-life-31911749

Thank you, and thank you to those who are going through this too because you are not alone, you are strong, and you help me too when I read your stories..

 

Everyday is a new day.

Cheers, xoxo