Category: emotion

my brain is still jumbled

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I just got back from yet another trip 🙂 in 2025 I have been blessed to have experienced Iceland (for the second time!) Ireland, Spain, and Morocco. And while the insight I will share applies to all places, it hits more certain destinations. I think I have blogged about this before when I was living in CA. I went to the beach at least 3-4 times a week, if not every day. I noticed the regulars that gathered in the mornings and afternoons, to walk their dogs and have coffee with friends and acquaintances.. Mind you, I went to the beach a lot my first 2yrs, then much more the last 5 of 12 years I lived there. I learned a lot in my last 5 years, one being how blessed I was to live where I am (more in an aesthetic sense because of the beauty, not the people, cost of living, or any other tangible fact of CA lol). And even in this realization, I had friends who were born and raised in SoCal, close enough to the beach also – who openly admitted they haven’t been in YEARS. YEARS I tell you. I had a friend tell me once, they only came because I lived so close and that’s where I hang out, and well, they would get a moment to see the ocean. I remember being more appalled at the people of CA after that LOL. I realized in my 12 years there, it was all the transplants who really dove into the nature and beauty of the coastline. Locals saw it as a distraction because #Tourists. And honestly, I can understand the annoyance living there myself, and planning my days of when I knew the seasonal people would be gone. However, it never deterred me from the beauty, and the sunsets, and the pretty mornings.

This isn’t to throw stones at CA or the people who live there, (although I am very happy to not live there anymore, lol) my point of this blog post is just sharing yet another realization on how we get desensitized in many aspects of life, not just the news. In all my travels, especially in Iceland, I wondered why people drove so fast. Like are y’all lookin around while you’re driving!? I AM, lol. Magic spews from all the baby fosses (what I like to call small waterfalls), the terrain changes as the miles increase, and the weather is like a toxic ex.. you just never know what you’re gonna get every 5min. This experience, and others alike, reminded me of living here in the US. I have always been one to appreciate nature and trees, and rivers, and lakes, and beaches.. but there always comes a time, like in CA where I’m deterred from the beauty due to “others” lol stomping in, leaving trash, and taking advantage of my parking spots lol. Now, thankfully as a seasoned traveler, I am VERY (prob too much sometimes lol) respectful of other countries, even other states in the US for goodness sake, and am very cognizant of culture. Even just visiting TN, I do all I can to be a part of whatever they consider “home”. Because isn’t that the point of visiting new places? To see a different lens? Maybe learn something.. maybe even adopt something that resonates with your beliefs? I beg those who travel to remember, the world is not here to adapt to YOU, it is YOU that needs to learn to adapt to your surroundings. That being said, In all places I have lived, New England, CA, and TX – I do have to take a step back and remember the local beauty around me.. because that’s why people are visiting. ME, MYSELF and I.. need to stop driving so fast.. and maybe look around a little more because there are many beautiful areas around where I live and some that I have yet to explore myself.

Ireland is probably the one place I have visited where they openly accepted tourists, they practically love them lol. The Irish (in my experience) help people immerse in their culture and the beauty of their country. They are so proud of what they have to offer and I think they find it a blessing that people want to experience it too. Maybe I need to pull that Irish side outa me and remember there are many people like me in the world (at least I want to believe it) who do travel for the appreciation, and the learning, and to see God’s creation.

Just as the title states, I’ve only been home like 30hr (closer to 48hr now lol) and my brain is still jumbled. I just had so many thoughts running around after this last adventure that I needed to start throwing words on electronic paper. It’s possible none of this makes sense and is a bit scattered.. It will just force me to post another idea in another week or so (can’t believe it’s been 10mo since my last post!). With all the traveling I did this year, I’m honestly surprised it took me this long to write something out loud.

I digress.. I think the best way to sum up the madness in my head, is that 1) Remember the beauty in your own home, your own surroundings. Even deep in a concrete jungle, I know there are sights that inflict emotion. Remember people might be visiting your location because they can’t get this experience at their home. 2) When visiting other places, remember it’s not their job to accommodate to you, you are in their space, their environment. Do a little bit of homework before exploring (honestly it surprises me when people don’t even look up basic lifestyle things before visiting somewhere. Like, no leaf peepers, someone’s PERSONAL HOME is not part of the peeping process – get out!).

So I guess some final jumbled thoughts are – I am blessed to be able to travel as much as I do. If you are not a traveler, honestly, thank you. Because I question if there will ever be (safe) untouched land again. And hot take: just as not everyone is meant to be a doctor, I don’t believe traveling is meant for everyone either. If you are a fellow traveler, I hope you are kind, considerate, adaptable, and patient. And lastly, remember where you are, remember your surroundings – there is beauty in your back yard too. ❤

Have we talked about the little things?

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Whoop! its a double whammy weekend! You all are blessed with back-to-back posts! Who even am I right now!? lol

Idk what it is, maybe Mercury heading into the microwave again!? But by 8:20am PST on a Sunday, I was reminded how important the little things are.

From driving to Hermosa for breakfast then getting my Bees Knees from HiFi – every small moment hit me, in not all the good ways, lol. I mean, the realizations aren’t bad.. for example – as I am driving, I am thinking about finding new local spots in TX.. and then having a moment of, well, when I moved to SoCal, I felt the same way. I only “like” these places bc they are somewhat comfortable. And I say somewhat, bc it’s more the people – and a person forgot to tell me schedules had changed. So I drove for no reason if you will, bc I can get a better experience 3min from my current apartment.

Now I will say that, this normally wouldn’t bother me as much as it did bc whatever, stuff happens all the time. But I think in this moment it was just reminding me that people matter, not necessarily the places. Bc then I head back towards home, and stop by my local coffee shop since caffeine is needed on this packing day.. and I realize who’s working. And to clarify, these people aren’t terrible, lol, but I am in need of a certain experience today especially after having a misstep already this morning. So when I didn’t see “my people” I walked out and went across the street to a cafe where I know no one. And as simple as this situation may seem, it made a difference. My coffee is bomb, and it actually put a smile on my face bc the latte art is always on point there too. And then I started thinking.. why am I trying so hard to accept the mediocre? Why am I trying to do things a certain way, or only go to certain places bc I’m leaving? These people don’t care! lol I mean, ok there’s prob a small moment of awww – you were a great local, but other than that, these people be living their lives without me.

All together, as I got back in my car and headed “home” I just felt like I had to remind myself: This chapter is closing, stop trying to hold on to things that essentially, don’t matter. Bc just like this morning experience, I have dealt with these let downs so many times, but I felt they were just small inconveniences. When now looking at the big picture, they should have been signs of how inadequate living in the SoBay has actually been for me, especially the last couple of years. No wonder I’ve felt lonely. No wonder I never felt like a part of something. I was holding on to the big moments and orchestrated nights out. Holding on to when people came to visit and I could show them the “good parts”.

I have no regrets on how long I stayed here, the last year alone allowed me to meet one of my favorite people, and honestly, depending on what you believe in, I coulda met them anyway in some other way! lol. But these small things are hitting me more now. It’s like when you are finally in a good place after a bad breakup and you see things so clearly now, and wonder how you missed all the red flags. All those little things.

Brings me back to that conversation with my best friend – Its about the Wednesday nights. The small, “insignificant”, moments, that you think don’t matter.. they matter so much more than we realize.

And maybe I was so inclined to write this today (more like vent, to be honest, lol) on a whim, bc you know how much I love to remind y’all about these things! And like most epiphanies, I can’t be the only one with open eyes having these moments, and looking for reassurance. So if this helps any of you see things a little differently, or helps with a decision, or just a reminder to never go a day with bad coffee ever again, lol, then my job is done ❤

cheers, xoxo

4.14

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I literally had a whole post about emotions and heartache, and I saved the draft. I stopped bc I realized, what am I even trying to accomplish here? Share my thoughts? My emotions?

It’s a gloomy, rainy day today, and the slowdown is much appreciated, especially for my writing. My saved piece talked about my acceptance of “caring too much” and learning that it is not a weakness. It talked about the hurt I’m feeling at the moment – and that’s where I stopped. Because, I literally said out loud – why am I assuming this is a closed chapter? Pages are still in the works, changes can still be made at any given moment. There are drafts still in the editors box. And while the chapter could essentially close tomorrow, it is still not complete.

I’ve had so many ideas this past month on a new post, and sadly didn’t note them down, but I think today my goal for myself, and whoever reads this, is to remind you that although situations may feel difficult, hurtful even, or confusing, it doesn’t mean its over. And while that may sound like there is more to wade through, I mean it more as a moment of hope in that clarity will come, or the outcome you hoped for has even bigger plans.

There is a fine line of beginnings and endings, and sometimes I wonder if things really end, or if the story just changes. Like, I have a big move coming up, and how I feel about this, is similar on how I felt as I was grieving death these past few years. When someone leaves, nothing really changes – time still moves, people are still waking up, going to work, doing all the things. Nothing ended, maybe only the presence of that person, but still, sometimes even that presence remains. So in this move I am preparing for, I thought about the village where I spend the majority of my days in, the beach, and my walks/runs. None of this will change when I leave – life will continue on. New locals will emerge at the cafe, a new person will occupy “my seat” at the local bar, and the story of the village will continue – better yet, so will mine. They just become two different stories now, the ven diagram of stories expands – like a spin off series if you will. Just another new beginning versus viewing something as an ending.

So these emotions I am moving through do not necessarily mean an end and a beginning, but maybe just an edit in the story. And as the quote above indicates, even edits just create a new idea in the storyline. As this thought continues to ruminate in my brain, honestly I found a little hope. Amazing what tippy-tapping on a screen can do for morale, lol.

If you spent time on this little brain spew, I hope you found some hope too. If something is going on that may feel confusing or if you’re struggling with “ending” and “beginning” maybe reframing it as a new story or an edit helps. Now, as we know, I still hold strong with letting things go that no longer serve you – and maybe even if that is the case, and something must be “let go”, the feeling doesn’t need to feel so hard. It can be softer, it may not alleviate the pain or hurt overnight, but can help recreate your vision of tomorrow, and create openness for you to welcome your new story. ❤

(I did not edit this before posting, so no grammar judging, lol)

till next time, xoxo

tis the Birthday season

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

oof – last post in Nov? And I feel like it could have been better, lol

Well, for those who have been on this weird writing journey with me you hopefully know that time it is.. BIRTHDAY TIMEEEEEE. lol. From January until like June? lol its Birthday Season for me and my friends. Now, I don’t celebrate with some now, so the season may be a little shorter these days or sporadic? is maybe a better description? Because I have people I love in Jan, Feb, Mar, April, June, and July then the majority of my babies (and my Brother) are Oct, with baby Jojo closin’ out on Nov 2nd. So maybe I’ve been thinking about this all wrong? Although the majority of celebrations happen within the first half of the year, I truly celebrate all year long. whoop!

I started this post with my usual intention of talking about: Every day is a New Beginning, Be present, Live in the moment, and here I am, sidetracking bc I’m amazed that I have people I love almost every month of the year lol.

Anywhooo this year, like the past two years, feels different. My normal Birthday season involves a literal celebration every weekend of Feb with increased social media posts on positivity and magic, and being an independent, strong, wild, woman. Past two years however, everything from surviving a plague, to multiple deaths, to huge career changes have occured. It’s all come with many highs and many lows, but the lows hit a little harder. Maybe because I’ve never been good with death. I’ve been trying to grasp death since HS when a good friend of mine died in a car accident. Then another good friend died in college from cancer. Times where you don’t quite imagine having anyone die so young. And now in adult-adult life, it begins to feel even more surreal if that’s even possible. I think it’s because as an adult who survived their 20s, every day that comes is another day closer to the inevitable. And as we get older, death is more prevalent, from hearing about people you went to HS with, to their parents, siblings, etc. Because death is more common as we age, it starts to become more than just an idea, but a reality.

And don’t worry, I’ll turn this mood around, lol – but the past two years of this mental and emotional cloud of losing 5 people in two years, has challenged me in more ways than I imagined. I thought it would just refresh my perspective, start living in the moment, be more grateful, etc.. But no. It actually made me more scared. Scared of tomorrow. Scared of possibly no tomorrow. Scared of taking risks. Scared of living bc of the fragility that surrounds life. All of which is complete opposite of what death should teach us. Or is it?

Maybe we should be scared. I looked up my first blog I ever posted. And it was about: Doing something everyday that scares you. And we’ve come full circle here kids. And if we wanna get technical, being Afraid is probably more grammatically correct, lol but either way, as Natalie Babbitt wrote in Tuck Everlasting, “Don’t be afraid of death; be afraid of an unlived life. You don’t have to live forever, you just have to live.”

It’s not death I think that is now the scary part. I think it’s more the fear that I will not be able to do all the things I hope, and wish, and strive, to do. Because if you’ve read any of my stuff, gratefulness oozes through the screen, adventure, wild thoughts, controversial ideas, and sometimes, I’ll even admit, toxic positivity, lol. But I DO truly believe things happen for reason – not A reason, but reason. There was a video I watched earlier today about a woman who lost one of her twins during birth. And she explains the idea of reason well, with regard that no matter what you believe, you just have to believe in something bigger, especially when death or tragedy occur. Because one moment (big or small) changes the trajectory of all that comes after. And she beautifully described how her son is at 7yr old now to explain her point.

I guess what I’m getting to here is, grief is hard. And it’s never the same as anyone or any situation. It’s as diverse as snowflakes and stars. It changes your life for good, for bad, or whatever mixture the two values create. But it changes you and your world. Personally, I feel as grief has changed me more on the good bc I love so much harder, and give more than I physically can now. Whitney Hanson has a beautiful poem about loving people who know grief and says people who know grief, know that, “everyone and everything you love will disappear one day” which is why said people who know grief should not be let go of. We know, how fragile life is, and maybe that’s why I have always known. I’ve literally been grieving most my life. I’ve felt pain like this since I was 16 and questioned so many things as the years go by. But I also love and care harder than most people I know. There are so many nights I’ve cried and prayed so hard to stop caring about “things I shouldn’t.” When now, I realize it’s just who I am bc I know nothing is permanent. I’m scared, so I care.

Well this came back around not in a way I had expected, which means my other ideas of Love and New Beginning will be expressed closer to Feb, which I guess makes sense being the Hallmark Month of Love. And maybe by then, I WILL feel a little more celebratory and hopeful. But until then, let me share that beautiful poem I mentioned above, and I hope anyone who has felt grief, or is feeling this now, that this little grief dump of a post, helped free a few of your emotions.

till next time, stay scared – the good kind ❤

another day, another thing to let go of

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

(note: i was having troubles saving drafts today, so apologies in advance for any grammatical mishaps in this post, lol)

My favorite time of the year is here.

And you may be thinking – oh the Holidays! Well, sort of. lol. Thanksgiving IS my favorite Holiday of the year, (second to my Birthday of course, lol) But this time of year is my favorite, more because we are getting into the sentiment, conversation, and ideas, of New Beginnings, letting things go, and leaving things in 2023 (or any prior year for that matter.

I’ve blogged about this before, but in new light, I lost my father this past Sunday, and the relationship was complicated. Although I will not be diving into that, as grieving is different for everyone, but I mention this, as it adds to the spirit of New Beginnings. Another chapter of my life has closed, and at the same time, the growth of this year has felt quite expansive. I feel that it prepared me for this moment. With that, it gives me more appreciation and gratitude as we move into this season of giving, tradition, and “family”.

Most of my “family” as you know, is chosen. And this year, this week even, has reminded me how important “our people” are. I don’t quite enjoy the general public, lol, and acquaintances and casual friends are nice to have, and needed for a sense of community, but our core “family” is really what gives us meaning. The time and conversations I spend with my best friend, (who is WAY more than just a best friend compared to what the name itself is defined as) are not of Wednesday energy. Every moment with her is a Friday or Saturday night – even on a Wednesday ❤ (now the explanation of that analogy may have to wait for another day, bc the whole concept of finding your Wednesday person is just so wonderful to me). Point here is, no matter where your life takes you, be very conscious of who you keep close, as these people are closely tied to your rise and fall.

In that same intention, every year, honestly, every day even, is an opportunity to allow yourself to reevaluate what is in front of you in the present, and also what is ahead of you. What is imperative to bring you joy, love, support and motivation even, to guide you on that path? Don’t worry, I didn’t forget about yesterday, lol. You can’t change the past, so no need to reevaluate that, but make a note on who was, or was NOT there in your rise(s) and fall(s). Does that need to change? Or are these relationships deserving of more nurturing and growth?

Any death makes these questions easier to answer. However, I’ve mentioned time and time again on this blog, that we need to be better about having these moments outside of extreme experiences. Your Wednesdays matter. The plain, “normal”, simple days – not just the thrill ride of Saturdays or big life moments.

To put a bow on this post, let’s bring it back to my favorite time of year. I get to look at how far I’ve come, and anticipate what is ahead. With the closing of any chapter, brings new pages to create. And I am excited, hopeful, and very much grateful for the experiences this year has given me, and more importantly, the people I have gathered, kept, and graciously let go of. I hope for all of you readers, you are able to find peace, in once again releasing what is not meant for you, and in turn allowing what IS meant to be. Sometimes it’s harder to accept what the universe is trying to give us, versus letting go. It always feels easier to let go of what does not fill our souls, however, to trust what does light a fire within us, for some reason, is difficult for most << and that’s a whole post in itself, lol.

So cheers to you all. And if you are celebrating Thanksgiving this week, however you celebrate, I hope it is within the spirit and intent of gratefulness, and brings you to a place of balance where you can let go of what no longer serves you, and open your arms to what will. ❤

p.s. gotta remind y’all, especially during the holidays – remember “family” does not mean blood, “family” is your people, wherever they are from, of whom you trust, and trust you. Family is also those who love you not in spite of your flaws, but because of of them. They love you for just existing and being a positive part of their lives, not bc of any obligation.

p.p.s my last reminder for the holidays: No is still a full sentence, and an appropriate answer, xoxo

Maybe these Eclipses are for reals

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Not sure if many of you are aware, but I am an avid science nerd. I love the planets, and stars, and movements in the ether. And I truly believe God created all things with purpose. The Moon affects the tides, and I don’t believe that’s just coincidence. So I do believe our Universe and the Heavens affect our being. “If the Stars were made to Worship, so will I”

That little prologue brings me to today. Therapy was very much needed yesterday after a tough week. It was quite an emotional rollercoaster. My last connection to CA (and my best friend) is moving east on a new adventure. And my soul-sister just found out she got a promotion. In between that, I’m home, fighting with my Landlord about painters who gave me an eye roll bc I did not know how to speak Español (and of course couldn’t explain that I was not offending their ancestors, but that I am, in fact, of Asian-American decent. *now I AM eye rolling) ANYWAY, on top of this, it seems I have fallen into crush mode for someone I shouldn’t right now, and I just got back from a 2-week work/play hiatus that was more work-travel than play.

Needless to say, the past month has been busy all around. And yesterdays conversation consisted of me crying about: I am officially alone – all these things are happening AROUND me, but not TO me. I did NOT want to be the last one left in CA. What am I supposed to do with myself for the next 9-mo?! There is nothing left for me here, other than the ocean.

And my therapist said something to me, that I don’t think she’s ever said: “Well maybe you aren’t supposed to DO anything right now – maybe this is your time to wait it out. Sit, be still, and LET it all happen around you.” And not that I haven’t heard those words ever, but she also said: “You are a DO-er, you’re constantly moving, making things happen, this can be a time to rest. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you like this, questioning, and frustrated. YOU know it’s OK, NOT to be ok.” And there, she isn’t wrong. I AM constantly moving and shaking, and not sleeping, and taking in every tiny breath life has to offer. We also talked about my control issues, and this is where it’s hardest for me to “rest”. Because to me, if so much is happening around me, I MUST be doing SOMETHING – bc I can’t let life control ME.. Additionally, she made a valid point in that I have been working on myself for close to 9 years now, always DOING something in the name of emotional and mental progress, and where I am, may be a crossroads. We talked about why I moved to CA in the first place and what I got out of it. And her conclusion to that part of the conversation was: “Sounds like you did everything you were set out to do. Maybe this is closed chapter. Maybe it IS time for change, even sooner than later.”

I live for others, and rarely let myself be sad. And right now, I am sad. I am sad that nothing is happening for me, right now. I am sad that I feel lonely, and if one y’all tell me me.. oh stoppp you’re not ALONE. imma tell you to throw yourself in the ocean, bc at this moment, the loneliness is unbearable. I know I’m not ALONE. but being alone is different from feeling lonely. The things and people that are important to me, feel so far away. And I have come to realize there is not one person out there who puts me into their equation of choices in life. While I’m sitting here, being like well, if I move here, what will happen to Sally!? (I don’t have a Sally in my life, lol, just an example) So no, you don’t understand how I feel, bc you are not me, nor have experienced the life I have lived. I digress, my point is that I’m trying to let myself be sad. Sometimes, even though there is something good in a day, the day is still not good. And that is ok.

Which brings us back to Eclipses – Eclipse season in the world of Spirituality is a time of milestones and change. Many aspects of life and emotion “end” allowing New Beginnings to unfold. And with this final Eclipse in Taurus this weekend, another theme that has been constant is the allowance of the universe to unfold around you, and have clear eyes once the dust settles. I.e. New Beginnings.

So maybe I am in the middle of some turbulence which is causing this emotional distress. I want to believe there is something on the other side, and that I will move out of this loneliness era and finally feel like I am a part of something. Anything. I’ll even take a book club at this point. lol

Per usual, this was a mini-rant that was all over the place, but to conclude my thoughts: If anyone else out there is feeling similarly stuck, or questioning a lot of things right now, let’s blame it on Eclipse Season. And next week, as we enter a new Era, I hope for everyone that the crumple of emotions flatten out, and you’re able to see a little more clearly what your scribble needed to become an art piece. ❤

much love to y’all out there, xoxo

unedited thoughts of late

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I feel like there has been a lot of letting go the past year or so.

Letting go of friendships, family, and I guess relationships in general. As well as the past, ideas, emotions, and other aspects of life and myself, that were holding me back from living. With letting go of people, comes the letting go of their presence and past connections. Connections, that no longer support me, serve me, or give me joy. << It’s the “no longer serve me” that is important here. I say this because, I lost two loved ones last year, and both their spirits still serve me and support me, and give me peace.

However, there are moments, (some times many moments) that happen daily, where we realize we have outgrown a situation, a person, a feeling. This year has been a big year of finding myself, and relearning not to be afraid of life. And no matter where the days have sent me, for me, it’s the people who kept me going. I used to be so proud of being independent, strong, singular. Me. I’m going to take care of myself. Me. Just me. This year I realized I need people, but differently than I thought. I’m not as strong as I thought I was. I don’t always want to be independent. There is a difference between independence and being alone. I just ended up alone. And not just alone, but lonely. << This right here, was very hard for me to admit, and it still is. I never want(ed) people thinking I’m needy, dramatic, or worse yet, thinking I’m faking it.

But recent events have reminded me that sometimes we are so focused on certain things, people, emotions even, that are just “available” and in front of us, that we put our effort into them. Because why not right? They are there ready for the taking. But rather, we should be taking a breath, find some sort of grounding, and remember the ones, and the feelings, that in fact, still serve us, and light our soul. A team Jeremiah vs Team Conrad, metaphor for life, if you will lol.

As much as I love flowers, it’s this example of what people actually offer me, that I need to carry with me as I navigate this life through the good and bad. Am I just getting tangible things from people or am I getting *moments*, substance beyond the day, that can surpass the heavens?

I guess my point in all this, that probably could have been stated in a sentence, lol, is that not all people or feelings will serve you. Keep close the ones, although not always in front of you everyday, that stand the test of time. Not bring back the past to you, but from wherever they begin, they can follow you to the end. Let go of what no longer serves you, let the hard emotions pass, and let these people help you understand the difference.

A Harvard study did find, that positive relationships keep us happier, healthier, and help us live longer. So be mindful of your village however large or small. I am blessed to have had certain people by my “side” the past few weeks, and they reminded me that it’s ok to let the others go. Honestly, some of these people surprised me, while others confirmed some thoughts I had. But in all, I will forever be grateful to those who continue to show up when I need them, and learning through them that it’s ok to outgrow the ones who don’t.

Take care of yourselves friends, and pay attention to those who are part of your universe not just those in your front yard.

till next time, cheers,

back to the beginning

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I have a lot on my mind, and not sure where to start, so I’ll just go with what I know – I’ve said it year after year, that we do not need New Years to actually have a New Beginning, New Beginnings happen all that time, everyday, on a random Tuesday in Aug. This year I’m taking that more to heart. Today is my Day 1. Christmas Day of all days I understand, but I’m alone again for Christmas this year, and thought what better day to start anything especially on a long weekend (for me). And I mean, if I wanna get technical, yesterday could have been my Day 1 – but you know when you just get that “ready” feeling? I felt it for today, so I’m giving Day 1 to Christmas.

Like many years, this has been one of highs and lows.. the biggest high for sure was work and career. A year ago today, I was crying in cafes, lol, studying, (yes even on Christmas) for one of the hardest exams I had to take. 2 months of studying and I finally passed it (on the 4th try!) Feb 4th. To see where I am now makes me wonder why I don’t have that same patience or compassion in my personal life.

Because from that moment on, I have been offered 3 leader roles (and taken 2) and I’m about to start that second promotion in the new year. I will admit, I have leaned heavily on my work life bc my personal life was questionable, at best, from the start of the year. On top of personal, emotional, and even physical criticisms, I lost many a loved one, a few acquaintances, and some local friends this year. Life and Death was on my mind constantly, and my anxiety was at all time highs this year.

Work kept me feeling stable. It was the one place of community where I was excelling and being appreciated on a daily basis. When each day would be over, I would turn around in my desk chair, and not know what to do with myself. For a couple of months I had a few goals, as I ran my first Half-marathon this year. 13.1 officially in the books. And as much as many people would congratulate me, and high-five, considering my time was a-ok for a first-timer, I was not happy with any of it. I was only happy the training was over. It makes me a little emotional just typing that out loud. I love(d) running – and I didn’t love any of that experience. Once that race was over I literally did nothing. Except work. And travel, obvs, lol. But my day-to-day was just eat, sleep, work, and visit the cafe and bar in the village, just to get myself out of the house.

And then one day, I woke up 10lbs heavier, and feeling emotionally drained. I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognize the person on the other side. I was in denial. I didn’t want to believe I was just existing. There was no sparkle in my eye, pants kept getting tighter, and as a petite 5’2″, I was now officially the same pant size as my best friend who is about 5’7″ and has 2 kids. And honestly she looks better in them pants than I do bc she’s got the height, and is prob in better shape at this point bc its been about 2 months since I saw her pretty face. AND I know none of this should matter bc every bod, and every shape, blah, blah, blah – but for me, myself – I know when I’ve been at my happiest – and spoiler alert, it was NOT when I was a size 0 (yes there were a few times I was a size 0). I was probably more miserable then. I was happiest when I could just fit into my favorite outfits. And not struggle to tie my shoes or give myself a pedi bc my stomach is in the way, or struggle with yoga poses bc of said extra cushion – yes, I said it. And I stand by it. Because the one thing that I realized is, yall are right, it doesn’t matter what size, weight, etc.. we are, but it DOES matter when you have image issues and hate yourself every time you look in a mirror. It also matters when the vision of yourself restricts you from enjoying life. Not making plans because it means I have to find an outfit that doesn’t make me feel gross, denying dates bc #same, and turning my “wardrobe” into hoodies and jeans bc thats all that fits, and the hoodies can hide the tightness of my jeans.

This is just a moment of reflection on why we (especially myself this year) put so much energy and motivation into so many things except ourselves. I preach so often about self-care, and “you cant pour from an empty cup”, and here I am with no cup, and awful feelings towards myself.

Bringing this full circle – today is my Day 1. Had a nice little Christmas Eve last night, and a friend drove me home. I was a little against it, until I remembered I wanted to do my “annual” Christmas Day run, and I turned it into an adventure. I found it hilarious knowing that this year, I was just running from my house back to the village, to pick up my car this year, lol, but of course I took the scenic route on the esplanade to pull a full 2 miles. And my first run in 2.5 months (since my half-marathon) is done.

And now Day 1 of refocusing all that work energy into myself is here. I know I’m not going to love myself overnight, and I also know it took me 3.5 years to pass that stupid exam (again, took me 4 tries!). Even with those obstacles, I was never as hard on myself as I am with my personal life. If I can be diligent and hopeful in my career goals, no matter how long it took, I can do the same for myself. I would be lying to say: “success doesn’t happen overnight”. Although there is some truth in the statement, this year alone reminded me how much can change in a minute never mind a day, or a year. So as much as I want to see change in myself, I need to remember what the process was for my career. Because in every stage, from exam studying to my offers this year, I focused on what was in front of me, and allowed myself to be happy with the journey. Thats what I want for myself this year. To be focused on whats in front of me, what today is offering me, bc tomorrow it may be different. Every day truly is a New Beginning.

Day 1 can be any day – and if you get to a point in your life where you need to reevaluate, I hope yall remember you choose when your Day 1 is. It doesn’t have to be every Jan 1st, it doesn’t have to be Christmas, it just needs to be a day – a day you remember, that you choose, to change your situation – whether you have a cheering section or no. This day is for you, and you only.

Whether your year was similar to mine or better, hope yall have found some magic this Holiday Season,

Cheers to Day 1s – till next time..

Long time, no chat

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

If my followers are still here after this hiatus, I graciously thank you!

I feel like I have said that before, and I probably have, because I have had computer issues easily for over a year now, so I only used it for emergencies. However, I am typing from a whole new laptop! WHOS EXCITED?! Which means I’m stretching my fingers and and getting this party re-started!

Due to this delayed time, I have some drafts chillin, so I’m hoping to post those as well, be mindful some ideas may feel dated, but I still appreciated how the posts turned out, and think they are worth sharing. Keep eyes out for those!

For today, this is just my little: Hello! Anybody (still) there?! post as I emerge from the darkness. And honestly, everything happens for a reason because we are headed into year end, and yall know its my favorite time to remind everyone that everything in life is temporary and to embrace #newbeginnings not only on a yearly basis, but a daily basis.

Which brings me to a little recap of the last 18 MONTHS!? sheesh – I even re-read my last post from May of 2021 to catch myself up, and thankfully laughed more than cried, lol. The tears were all happy. I am also happy I was able to get a post in last year because last summer was when my 2008 macbook (you read that year right, and everyone was still in awe it even turned on lol) started to really die on me.

But after all that uncertainty, I started my new gig, and let me tell you.. my life CHANGED. I mean, I’m still the same ol’ sarcastic optimist, who tries to share a different perspective on life.. but all these changes, made ME see life a little differently. I met one of my most adored friends I have today, and my career went from 0 > 180 in the first 9mo. For example, in just the past year alone (i.e. a year ago from today) I got a promotion and just recently, only 7mo later, was offered anotha! new role. It honestly has been a whirlwind, and I have never felt so appreciated than I have right now with the work I am doing. AND if you have read along this journey, you’ll know that for many years, I didn’t really enjoy my job, but I loved [some of] the people.. now, I freakin love what I do, AND I love like ALL the people, lol. This whole experience just reminded me what the Universe/God can do if you’re not strong enough to make the change yourself. Sometimes we need a little nudge, so make sure you’re paying attention! That’s why your first love is your first, not your last, and why your first job is your first.. and you get the point. And I do know many people who don’t believe that things happen for a reason.. all I can do to explain is, you have to believe in something, for something to believe in you. ❤

Although my career has been on fire this year, personally, my life has been a rollercoaster. From a few deaths (yes a few) in my personal circle, some new and reoccurring health issues, to questioning where I belong, (bc when you lose people around you, you really start editing life’s Pros and Cons list) its been emotionally and mentally taxing to say the least. And I’m not sure how yall are, but when an aspect of life is struggling, I lean on the parts that are going well. I threw myself into work (at points to my dismay) and booked every plane ticket I could find. I tried my hardest to focus on my partnerships, but even some of those created heartache, headaches, or left me questioning if I travel to “run away”. But if there is one thing I have learned, no matter how hard I try, lol, I can’t run away from myself. I’m still there, with the same feelings, same headspace, same problems, if you will.. and the only way to manage those, are to accept them, and work through them. Thankfully travel always seems to find a way to help make me think a little differently, and help me to reevaluate priorities.

On top of life and work, I ran my first Half-marathon last month 🙂 2/10 recommend, lol. But really, it was an amazing experience, I def cried running over the finish line, and I may do another, but wanna go back to yoga first, lol. Per usual, whether work, life, personal, or any other aspect of ourselves, there are always highs and lows, this past 18mo was no different.. The struggle is finding a proper balance to be able to appreciate both. The sun and the moon are often out in the sky at the same time, and both are beautiful, and very much needed.

With that, thanks again for those who are still around, welcome to my new readers, and excited for this #newbeginnings chapter of life with restarting this blog!

till next time, cheers! xoxo

Random Thought #365

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I’d have to look at back if I’ve even posted any random thoughts, but really, who’s counting?

I can’t remember the last time I felt so off. I transition into a new role (with my same company) on Monday. And for some reason, I am having the hardest time letting go of certain things. Granted, I spent 8 years in this office which means 8 years with people. (If you have read anything from be before, you know people are very important to me. bc I mean, without people what do we have in this life?!) Although every time I catch myself saying that, I remember that all that’s left from my start are 6 people. SIX – in a current office of 30. And while I can add some people since they started within a year or so after me, most people have really only worked with me 5 years or less. And more so, most of those people I don’t even care about, lol.

So as I sit here, the one weekend, OF ALL FREAKIN WEEKENDS, where I have nothing going on, but yet feel the need for the most support – I am struggling with this past/present/future construct again. I know being present is the best way to be. We only have today. I am also excited for what the future may potentially bring, considering, there is a chance I may still be working with many of these people going forward (another reason I don’t understand these random emotions of longing). However, I feel like everything around me is changing. I mean, there are some people I really DON’T want to keep in touch with. There are things I am SO HAPPY to get rid of and not deal with in my new role.

Maybe it’s just the fact that really, nothing major – personally – has happened in like, idk 6 years for me? And career-wise it’s been, what, 4 years? I am always constantly moving and shaking, I thrive on constant change, but I am not making anything happen this time.. It’s all happening TO me.

Can’t believe I just had an epiphany sitting here venting at a screen:

  1. I have control issues
  2. I feel like I’m not “controlling” anything right now

Now, I also know I don’t actually “control” anything except my reactions to things, but the feeling of control is where it’s at. And now, I have not idea why I’m still typing, but I am still posting this in case anyone else out there needs a reminder, or is experiencing an “uncontrollable” moment.

I literally started today feeling so out of place – I woke up “late” (lol thats 7am for me), I didn’t know where to start, (yes, I felt behind already) I couldn’t even form complete sentences in my head. I chatted with a couple friends expressing my off-ness and thought, maybe this is a good blog post. So I started tip-tapping. This isn’t my best work by any means, but now I guess I provided some nonsense to read on your Saturday.

I guess moral of the story is here, if you take a moment to talk through things, write them down, type them even, or just be realistic in mindset, you will find an answer to whatever crazy emotion you are feeling. Not that having an answer helps the whole situation necessarily, but it’s a start to understanding it, and can maybe help stop the laugh-crying while listening to country music *shrug*

If you made it this far, thanks or not getting bored, lol. Stay present, remember not to freak out over change, but if you do, set some time to think. Emotions are problematic to many, and silly for others, but are the only thing we have that keeps us honest. Listen to them.

Cheers! xoxo