I’m alive!

I honestly can’t believe how long it has been since my last post. For those who are still out there following me, and those who have been reading recently, a very big THANK YOU, to you!

I have been traveling A LOT, especially this year. Most for fun, one due to a family death, but all sending me across the country nonetheless. As we all know, if you have read any posts on this page, I have anxiety and depression. And with all the travel, and death, and well, life.. I hadn’t had time to see my therapist. After my last trip, an actual vacation! I finally saw my lovely Dr. and verbally vomited a lot of what was held in, the past 6 months. There were some weird dreams I had, and a lot of emotions needing to be discussed.

One thing we always work on is meditation. I’m terrible at this. I think it’s a little weird if I’m gonna be honest, but I know it helps. One thing my therapist always tells me, is that no one is perfect at meditation, it’s not supposed to be “perfected”. Because my mind is constantly running at 435948732 miles an hour, I always seem to wander off or lose track, and not that I have to be but I always feel bad, or like I’m failing. Positive note is that my therapist also always says that’s what meditation is, working on coming back to center. So the thing is, if I’m wandering and NOT coming back to center.. then there’s an issue. But the constant work of coming back to center is the work I need to be doing.

Point of this preface is that last night, I was trying to meditate. Per usual, my brain had me going in 78 directions and I’m having conversations that don’t exist with people who have no idea about the way I feel.. etc.. But in my ramblings to myself, 2 topics came to mind:

1. I was talking something out about the “good & bad”. But then caught myself saying: but why does there always have to be “bad”? Why can’t it be “good & opportunistic”? Because in every, and I mean EVERY “bad” there is always a good. No matter how far off or morbid, or partially insane the idea may be, there is always a good. Now, I’m not discounting the pain and/or struggle we may have when things go wrong, or even when we lose a loved one.. but there is still, and always will be, a silver lining.
2. Heartbreak. I’m sure somewhere in my internal conversations these two topics somehow merged, but heartbreak in a separate sense fascinated me for some time. Because as most of you know, I LOVE, love. Because love moves mountains, saves lives, brings people together, and in it’s purest form is nothing but contentment.

And this my friends is where my post has led me today. I was thinking about people I care about and the concept of love again.. that Love is: 1 Corinthians: 13. Not that I’m trying to make y’all read the bible, but point is that Love is pure, and all that is good.

Love is not Lust. Love is not obsession. Love is not fear. Love is not expectation. Love is not sex. Love is not attractiveness. Love is not flirting. Love is not pain. I can go on, but lastly, heartbreak has nothing to do with love.

Those items noted above are in and of themselves things, feelings, and separate entities of life that create emotion, sometimes pain, confusion, conflict, and questions.

Love, in and of itself, is the only thing that makes all those above disappear. Love itself is pure optimism, peace, and answers.

A few months back, I was talking to my best friend about love and heartbreak, and how we wouldn’t be who we are without the experiences we have had. And we talked about other people we knew some who have, and possibly have NOT had these same experiences. The conversation turned to: you can’t understand love, or life even, if you have not experienced heartbreak. Never in a million years did I think I would ever say.. FALSE.

I thought about that last night, while “trying” lol, to meditate. I have been heartbroken 4 times. You always remember those times people. They are terrible times. 3 times from the hands of men, and one time from my own. Broke my own damn heart.

And let me tell you. Heartbreak, or heartache is nothing, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING I wish upon ANYONE. I used to think: “Can’t wait till someone breaks his heart/breaks her heart.. then they will know/understand……..”

NO. I don’t care what you have done to me in this world. I wish this emotion, or life episode, on NO ONE. Just thinking about it, I fell into a small hole remembering what that felt like. And at the time people would say, “Well you loved him.” Yes. Past Tense. Because I realized, if you become heartbroken, it was not true love. It was possibly something else. Lust, sex, obsession, expectation, friendship even (that involved expectation).. but not love.

Heartbreak literally throws you under a bus. An unmoving one. It’s suffocating. It is the true definition of depression. There is a hole, an empty space in your stomach. You can literally feel it. It’s like a daily stomachache. The hole in your heart is similar, but strangely enough not as painful. Maybe because it knows it wasn’t love.

But this pit in your stomach.. not only does that hurt, your head hurts, your muscles hurt, your joints hurt. You definitely do not want to get out of bed. You sleep for days. The crying.. OH THE CRYING. I’m telling you, it is unbearably painful. Every part of your being hurts. It hurts to laugh, it hurts to think. You think you are going crazy. Not only the physical pain.. but seriously how can your emotions hurt too?! How, I tell you!?

I can literally re-feel it right now. Once it happens I don’t think that memory will ever leave, maybe because it’s a reminder to be better next time and work to NOT get to that place again. Remember, not all breakups lead to heartbreak/ache, so to be conscious of that can help alleviate any future breakup/relationship issues.

In that context, to finish this off – I was talking to a friend before I finished editing this, and he mentioned in his last few relationships that he kind of set himself up to sort of expect a breakup. Not that he didn’t hope for longevity, but understanding reality he just realized that if the relationship did end, then it was nothing “unexpected”. Me, being the over-thinker that I am, internally questioned: Was this just a typical “guy” set up into relationships? Did this take away from the validity of the relationship? Is this the new wave of not allowing yourself to be vulnerable and not fully putting yourself into the relationship? Or did this just answer my idea of working to NOT get into a place of heartbreak?

Either way, emotions have no definitive answer because they are felt, but one thing is for certain – Love that is real and pure does not create pain. Pain is a separate and individual emotion. Relationships are not black and white, but heartbreak/ache (or at least the memory of it) is forever.

Be mindful of how your relationships are, whether romantically, or friendship. Friends can break hearts too you know, and Love is meant to grow, not diminish.

Lastly, if you’ve never felt heartbreak, spread love to more people. You have a gift, and I hope you always feel that goodness.

❤