I guess it’s timely that I am trying to add a blog post at the end of January. I’m pretty predictable when the New Year rolls around.. and more so, February. I will say though, most of what’s on my mind right now, isn’t related to New Beginnings. Or maybe I’m just not seeing it that way.
Per usual, I am word vomiting something I am feeling in case any one of you out there might feel or possibly experience the same. There’s a spiritual page I love on IG but don’t follow, or like posts, for a reason. I want to believe that if this person shows up on my feed it’s meant to be. With a lot of spiritual people out there, you never know if the messages are based on truth or views. And I will say, the average “likes” are around 5k. For a verified account in this current-day social media state, that isn’t a lot, but also 5k people thinking this message is for them, might make it unrealistic for me? And then I think – there are 8 billion people in the world.. 5, even 6k people isn’t even 1% of the population. So in a realistic sense. I’m sure a couple of people in every country are experiencing similar situations like divorce, grief, happiness, etc.. so I want to believe these people are meant to see the message that day also and we are healing or thriving together. One fact in life is that although we do not experience anything the same way, there are always similarities, and sharing those experiences helps us learn different ways of understanding said situation. I, for one, love a good perspective I may not have thought of.
So, who out there has ever had a moment of self-reflection and realized.. OMG. TSwift was right, IM THE PROBLEM, ITS ME. Not that I think I’m a problem per se, but I had a moment of: OMG. I am NOT as positive as my outside self shows to people. Last weekend, in the 11th hour, I booked a flight to see my bestie on the eastie, lol. And her mom-self was in shock and surprise when she learned that I negative self talk… ALL THE TIME. Even as recent as that moment getting picked up from the airport, I was “confirming” thoughts in my head. It was a weekend very much needed, and we came out with a new mantra since the last one we thought of: Life is too short not be f*cking excited!
This “new” mantra is more calming, lol. It started with me, on the plane, reminding myself that life changes literally every moment. The past 3 years have been the best and worst reality check of that. Whether that’s death, a new job, a new person, a car accident, weather canceling an appointment… Big or small, there are moments that change the trajectory of our lives constantly. And I recall a post from my blogs-past – me talking about how: tomorrow your life can change, and it is the most exciting, yet scary thing to really realize. Because people break up, people die, people get injured, people lose jobs, natural disasters happen.. lots of scary things. Yet at the same time, in these same moments, people also fall in love, finally have the baby they’ve been trying 8yr for, get new jobs, win the lottery, move across the country…
The reality is, knowing that life can change any moment, we can either be scared or hopeful. There is so much possibility even in the next 10min. And if we’re trying to focus on the positive here, with any hardship, there is always a small light, no matter how hard it is to see. So I explained to my bestie, that I have been saying to myself the entire flight here: “Stay Hopeful not Scared.” We talked about this concept almost all weekend – she’s a saint I tell you ❤ And in one wonderful moment, she says to me – “how about we make this even more simple: I am Hopeful. Make it an affirmation. I’m not trying to be, I want to be, I am.” Her additional rationale on this is, even though the second part is NOT Scared, the last word I’m saying is still: Scared. And just like telling a 5yr old NOT to run, all they hear is the RUN.
So in this, we started saying: I am Hopeful. I’ve been saying it a lot. But I’m having a hard time with it honestly. I did get one of my associates at work to jump on this Hopeful bandwagon, and I can only imagine they too, might be having a hard time believing it also. And this here is where my sad, eye opening moment from this current weekend came from. I say positive things all the time – been challenged as a “toxic positivity” person even. And this weekend I thought: “I’m a fraud!” LOL. Seriously though, I talk such a game of staying open, allowing God, or the universe to guide us, yet while no one is looking, I say the most terrible things to myself (annddd my eyes just welled up typing that). I have literally said to myself in the past 2 weeks: No wonder no one loves me, I barely love myself. << and this moment I literally sat there questioning my 5 years (yes FIVE) of singledom and being like: HAVE I DONE NOTHING to heal myself?! Yet, I know for a fact, I am not the same person today that I was even 2yr ago, so Yes, I have learned and grown.. but why can’t I see it lately? And if my thoughts are truly this low, am I even capable of creating or attracting positivity again? Is this why I find myself “struggling” so much lately?
And then like all things.. last night, actually.. eyes wide open, I thought: “How long has this been going on?” I definitely know it’s been a while, I’ve kept these negative thoughts in my brain for years.. and I always notice when I am able to shift the perspective because life does in fact change. It feels safer, I do feel hopeful in those moments. They just don’t seem to stick lately. It’s been years since I’ve had a moment like this… last time I was 20-something, and I was literally looking in a mirror at like 3am and saying to myself: “This is not what I want my life to be like.” Granted, those days and “failures” are much different than today’s lol, so I shouldn’t really compare the two, but the feeling hits just as hard. It’s the realization of: “I’m doing this to myself.” << which again is not exactly positive self-talk, and here we are.
I guess my point in all this is – Its ok to find yourself at a crossroads, to question your motives, rediscover your reality, as often as you need to. I just hope we all use these moments to reflect and actually make change. Because although we cannot control what happens TO US, we can control how we react and any actions we take. Self-reflection is uncomfortable, I know a lot of people who don’t, or can’t do this. It forces us to remember our weaknesses, who wants that?! But it is also a catalyst for growth. And no matter what you believe, I think one thing we can agree on is that, most fullfilment comes from growth and change.
So if y’all are struggling out there similarly, know you are never alone. Even if it’s only me who seems to understand this, it’s more than 0. We can be the <1% together. And I hope for you, as I do for myself, that we are able to dig ourselves back to hope – like for reals – and believe it. Believe that we are worthy of good. We are the only ones who can change our minds.
till next time.. ❤
To New Beginnings 