Not sure if many of you are aware, but I am an avid science nerd. I love the planets, and stars, and movements in the ether. And I truly believe God created all things with purpose. The Moon affects the tides, and I don’t believe that’s just coincidence. So I do believe our Universe and the Heavens affect our being. “If the Stars were made to Worship, so will I”
That little prologue brings me to today. Therapy was very much needed yesterday after a tough week. It was quite an emotional rollercoaster. My last connection to CA (and my best friend) is moving east on a new adventure. And my soul-sister just found out she got a promotion. In between that, I’m home, fighting with my Landlord about painters who gave me an eye roll bc I did not know how to speak Español (and of course couldn’t explain that I was not offending their ancestors, but that I am, in fact, of Asian-American decent. *now I AM eye rolling) ANYWAY, on top of this, it seems I have fallen into crush mode for someone I shouldn’t right now, and I just got back from a 2-week work/play hiatus that was more work-travel than play.
Needless to say, the past month has been busy all around. And yesterdays conversation consisted of me crying about: I am officially alone – all these things are happening AROUND me, but not TO me. I did NOT want to be the last one left in CA. What am I supposed to do with myself for the next 9-mo?! There is nothing left for me here, other than the ocean.
And my therapist said something to me, that I don’t think she’s ever said: “Well maybe you aren’t supposed to DO anything right now – maybe this is your time to wait it out. Sit, be still, and LET it all happen around you.” And not that I haven’t heard those words ever, but she also said: “You are a DO-er, you’re constantly moving, making things happen, this can be a time to rest. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you like this, questioning, and frustrated. YOU know it’s OK, NOT to be ok.” And there, she isn’t wrong. I AM constantly moving and shaking, and not sleeping, and taking in every tiny breath life has to offer. We also talked about my control issues, and this is where it’s hardest for me to “rest”. Because to me, if so much is happening around me, I MUST be doing SOMETHING – bc I can’t let life control ME.. Additionally, she made a valid point in that I have been working on myself for close to 9 years now, always DOING something in the name of emotional and mental progress, and where I am, may be a crossroads. We talked about why I moved to CA in the first place and what I got out of it. And her conclusion to that part of the conversation was: “Sounds like you did everything you were set out to do. Maybe this is closed chapter. Maybe it IS time for change, even sooner than later.”
I live for others, and rarely let myself be sad. And right now, I am sad. I am sad that nothing is happening for me, right now. I am sad that I feel lonely, and if one y’all tell me me.. oh stoppp you’re not ALONE. imma tell you to throw yourself in the ocean, bc at this moment, the loneliness is unbearable. I know I’m not ALONE. but being alone is different from feeling lonely. The things and people that are important to me, feel so far away. And I have come to realize there is not one person out there who puts me into their equation of choices in life. While I’m sitting here, being like well, if I move here, what will happen to Sally!? (I don’t have a Sally in my life, lol, just an example) So no, you don’t understand how I feel, bc you are not me, nor have experienced the life I have lived. I digress, my point is that I’m trying to let myself be sad. Sometimes, even though there is something good in a day, the day is still not good. And that is ok.
Which brings us back to Eclipses – Eclipse season in the world of Spirituality is a time of milestones and change. Many aspects of life and emotion “end” allowing New Beginnings to unfold. And with this final Eclipse in Taurus this weekend, another theme that has been constant is the allowance of the universe to unfold around you, and have clear eyes once the dust settles. I.e. New Beginnings.
So maybe I am in the middle of some turbulence which is causing this emotional distress. I want to believe there is something on the other side, and that I will move out of this loneliness era and finally feel like I am a part of something. Anything. I’ll even take a book club at this point. lol
Per usual, this was a mini-rant that was all over the place, but to conclude my thoughts: If anyone else out there is feeling similarly stuck, or questioning a lot of things right now, let’s blame it on Eclipse Season. And next week, as we enter a new Era, I hope for everyone that the crumple of emotions flatten out, and you’re able to see a little more clearly what your scribble needed to become an art piece. ❤
much love to y’all out there, xoxo
To New Beginnings 