Month: May 2021

Random Thought #365

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I’d have to look at back if I’ve even posted any random thoughts, but really, who’s counting?

I can’t remember the last time I felt so off. I transition into a new role (with my same company) on Monday. And for some reason, I am having the hardest time letting go of certain things. Granted, I spent 8 years in this office which means 8 years with people. (If you have read anything from be before, you know people are very important to me. bc I mean, without people what do we have in this life?!) Although every time I catch myself saying that, I remember that all that’s left from my start are 6 people. SIX – in a current office of 30. And while I can add some people since they started within a year or so after me, most people have really only worked with me 5 years or less. And more so, most of those people I don’t even care about, lol.

So as I sit here, the one weekend, OF ALL FREAKIN WEEKENDS, where I have nothing going on, but yet feel the need for the most support – I am struggling with this past/present/future construct again. I know being present is the best way to be. We only have today. I am also excited for what the future may potentially bring, considering, there is a chance I may still be working with many of these people going forward (another reason I don’t understand these random emotions of longing). However, I feel like everything around me is changing. I mean, there are some people I really DON’T want to keep in touch with. There are things I am SO HAPPY to get rid of and not deal with in my new role.

Maybe it’s just the fact that really, nothing major – personally – has happened in like, idk 6 years for me? And career-wise it’s been, what, 4 years? I am always constantly moving and shaking, I thrive on constant change, but I am not making anything happen this time.. It’s all happening TO me.

Can’t believe I just had an epiphany sitting here venting at a screen:

  1. I have control issues
  2. I feel like I’m not “controlling” anything right now

Now, I also know I don’t actually “control” anything except my reactions to things, but the feeling of control is where it’s at. And now, I have not idea why I’m still typing, but I am still posting this in case anyone else out there needs a reminder, or is experiencing an “uncontrollable” moment.

I literally started today feeling so out of place – I woke up “late” (lol thats 7am for me), I didn’t know where to start, (yes, I felt behind already) I couldn’t even form complete sentences in my head. I chatted with a couple friends expressing my off-ness and thought, maybe this is a good blog post. So I started tip-tapping. This isn’t my best work by any means, but now I guess I provided some nonsense to read on your Saturday.

I guess moral of the story is here, if you take a moment to talk through things, write them down, type them even, or just be realistic in mindset, you will find an answer to whatever crazy emotion you are feeling. Not that having an answer helps the whole situation necessarily, but it’s a start to understanding it, and can maybe help stop the laugh-crying while listening to country music *shrug*

If you made it this far, thanks or not getting bored, lol. Stay present, remember not to freak out over change, but if you do, set some time to think. Emotions are problematic to many, and silly for others, but are the only thing we have that keeps us honest. Listen to them.

Cheers! xoxo

Time is a construct humans created.

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

#halfedited

I feel like I am well known for disappearing in many areas of life at one time or another and then just emerge out of nowhere. And I wonder how people can just forget about me.. but hey, New Beginnings amiright?!

It’s definitely been a hot sec since my last post and for (sort of) good reason. Turning 30-10, getting my job eliminated, trying to stay sane, then having a loss in the family, all resulted in a stall in writing/blogging and per usual.. here I am trying to emerge another butterfly. But as all these things were happening, with many other smaller moments whirling around, like most things in life it was eye opening, and provided many moments of realizations.

One in particular I catch myself in all the time, and will probably forget like a day after I post this.. is the concept of telling “young” people (and I quote that because, young, is a relative term really, based on who you’re talking to) “Don’t worry YOU HAVE TIME”. Not to just toss us into morbid thinking the first 3 paragraphs here.. but DO YOU HAVE TIME?! Do ANY OF US?! Think about it – yah I know the mortality rate is increasing as years go on with technological advances in the sciences and medical fields. However, just the past year alone – I’ve learned of many people passing – not necessarily all people I am, or were, close with, but people my age nonetheless, plus or minus a few years, and beyond. Not only that, but people die every day. And how many of those people were told they “had time”!? Probably 90% of them. That has always fascinated me, whether it was someone very close, and the loss was devastating, or someone you read about in the paper.. life just keeps going. Those left here, wake up another day, people still going to work, having lunch, etc.. There are SO MANY things happening in the world.. and we just keep trucking along, because time stops for no one.

Point in this idea, while I was in the Northeast visiting family and friends, on a car ride with my bestie, we talked about a related topic of “If you die tomorrow, are you happy with your last day?” A similar conversation also occurred at dinner before my flight with another good friend talking about – you don’t want to go to the gym today? DON’T. Everything is a decision we make for our own journey’s. You regret not going to the gym? Then maybe you should go. Maybe that last workout defined your presence here. I’ll tell you right now tho – NOT ME. LOL. I have given up yoga, a run, lots of things to spend time with people. Because THAT is what’s important to ME. Hence, DO YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TIME!? If someone ever asked me to grab a drink or meet up at the cafe, and I’m like – sorry gotta get this run in.. NOPE. Because I could get hit by a car while running. THEN WHAT? I missed my final chance to spend time with someone who chose to spend time with me. Now, I am a little crazy and if I really wanted to run, I would just adjust my day, and create a way to accomplish both.. anywayyyy.. Point is, my journey, I choose what is important and what I want my final day to look like.

With another death in the family, this concept hit a little harder this time. Like.. right – why do we think we have time for ALL THE THINGS? And maybe that’s why I am living with some debt due to plane tickets and travel plans. That’s why I will always say YES to any adventure, any last min plan that will make my soul happy. As much as I am excited about Tomorrow (bc all my travel plans obvs, lol), I have taken a moment every day, to ask, “If I die tomorrow, am I happy with what I did on my last day?” Now I know we need means for the ends to be able to accomplish some things we would want to – if we truly lived like today was our last. But I take it into perspective, because I know and listen to people constantly wanting to mend a broken relationship, or even just get a mani-pedi. DO IT. Will all things turn out in our favor? No. But no matter how any moment turns out, you now have the ability to say you did it. If you wake up tomorrow, theres a new opportunity (a New Beginning, if you will 😉 ) to either save face, find closure, or even revel in the glorious outcome that may have come from whatever it was you wanted to do.

I know this is no easy task, we are all victim to vulnerability, shame, self-doubt. But if even a small change in mindset can bring you to think about possibly having no tomorrow, what would you do? Or even just TRY to do? This all comes down to just being present and thinking about it a different way.

Ask her/him out, sign up for that race, join that meet up, read the extra book, go on that vacation, apply for that job. So many things that seem simple that we hold back due to the unknown reaction we may receive. Just DO IT.

If tomorrow never comes, would you be happy how you ended today?

Stay present, my friends, xoxo ❤