I’ve said this before, I’m a planner.
But the other day I was thinking.. WHY AM I LIKE THIS?!
There was a time, you know, where planning, to me, meant: Oh what are we doing RIGHT NOW?! Compared to my current need of wanting to control every minute of every day.
My thoughts continued.. I know where this comes from – all the consequences in my actions from the past. They have all caught up to me. So now I’m constantly bombarded with thoughts of “If, Then, What”.
Maybe this is a good thing. But in my old age – LMAO – there are still things I want to do that I shouldn’t be so worried about. Like, idk – living, loving, and being happy!?
I mean, I’m an Aquarian after all, free-spirit, gypsy wanderer.. Maybe that’s why I love the water so much.. because I’m an Air sign? Lol – but I AM the Water Bearer. I bear the water people. Water: giver-of-life, ever-changing and can either calm or destroy you. Muahahaha (lol)
A wonderful person I know once told me:
“..but the one thing I appreciated about you.. Your willingness to throw logic to the wind and go with your gut. I could never do it. But the world needs Kara’s.”
The world needs me! Well that me anyway ^^
Throw logic to the wind.. I do make decisions with my heart more than my brain that’s for sure.. Or, I feel like, I did. I mean do we remember 10/11/2012?!
Recently, however, I have found myself in more brain-space. Which again, isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but I honestly feel like I’m missing out on something greater that I could be sort-of chasing, if you will. Or maybe I’m just missing a piece of myself?
One thing is certain: I normally have a pretty good balance of emotion-to-brain ratio when it comes to life. I’ve had therapists, doctors, and other professionals tell me that I am very self-aware. This apparently is surprising to others. I understand why I do things, and because of this, I also have a very good understanding of others. I have great intuition on needs vs wants, and even when “mistakes” are made, I look at myself before I look at others.
I know my boundaries. Which is interesting because the one thing that seems to mystify even the bestest of friends, is when I know I’m doing something which may potentially hurt me, yet I always feel the need to push further for myself, until I am ready to let go (if there is any letting-go involved). And I don’t quite understand why that may be a bad thing.. I know my limits, and I learn from my mistakes more than making them again. But that’s it there – mistakes. I also know and remember the feeling of those mistakes. And it’s in never wanting to experience some of those again that I think has kept me here in this “safe” brain space.
Why am I even blogging about this? I have no clue – maybe I just needed to get something out. Express an emotion I can’t quite explain, but can you really explain an emotion? You just feel it.
And I have this feeling I have been thinking too much. Lol.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ll still be stimulating my mind with wonderful things, still using a planner, and also making sure I don’t jump into the deep-end without my floaties. But I want to start making some decisions again from my heart, my gut, my inner being. I’m tired of being afraid of what tomorrow may do to me. I miss that little gypsy heart of mine.. and I want to wander a bit.
After my recent travels, I keep finding myself in conversations about more exploration and more adventures – new experiences, near and far. For the first time in a long time, I have a free and open heart to add to my free and open spirit. Those combined can only lead to amazing things – or trouble, lol 😉
Those of you out there who live these in-the-moment lives, I take advice and recommendations to heart. I want to travel alone, learn to love without expectation, and find something new about life everyday. Share your wisdom! And maybe I’ll have better stories/posts to share. lol
“You’ll never be able to escape from your heart. So it is better to listen to what it has to say.” – Paul Coelho
❤
To New Beginnings 