Month: November 2017

idk

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

Interestingly enough I just read a couple posts about “wheels spinning” in your head and being overwhelmed with life. Being “busy” vs “productive”.

And here I am – studying away.. Just finished chapter 13, of a 14 chapter program. I have been floating along getting average, to above average exam scores.. but then chapters 12 and 13 come along.. my first “failures”. And what happens? I lose my shit – internally. I go from borderline-calm (lol am I ever really calm?) to increased heart-rate, sweaty palms, and my brain, as I like to say, explodes. I start getting nervous about everything. I keep staring at everyone, everything, everywhere. I catch myself.

I try and take deep breaths. I close my eyes. Relax Kara!

But that never works does it.

So I try and calmly decide to take a step back.. Where am I? I am a week ahead of the program. A week ahead people! This I should celebrate.. but it almost makes me more anxious. Did I study too fast? Is this why I’m starting to lose it in the final chapters?! Do I even remember chapter 1?!?!?! << I know, I know, those thoughts are “busy” not “productive”..

Gah!

What’s more crazy is I am doing my best trying to not get “mad” at myself for being anxious. Oxymoronic I know. Getting mad at yourself for getting anxious in the first place? Anxiety at its finest!

So here I am, I logged off. I fired up the iTunes. I started to read. Part of handling anxiety is slowing down right? Taking yourself out of what is creating it in the first place and listening to yourself. Sometimes you just have to stop. Stop everything and find a nothing-ness that almost feels comfortable.

Tomorrow I will finish this program then conquer those shit chapters. Tomorrow.

For now, I sit, with my lemon-ginger tea, music in my ears to drown my thoughts, and words on pages to drown the other thoughts. Lol.

 

❤

 

 

 

old lady staus

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I’ve said this before, I’m a planner.

But the other day I was thinking.. WHY AM I LIKE THIS?!

There was a time, you know, where planning, to me, meant: Oh what are we doing RIGHT NOW?! Compared to my current need of wanting to control every minute of every day.

My thoughts continued.. I know where this comes from – all the consequences in my actions from the past. They have all caught up to me. So now I’m constantly bombarded with thoughts of “If, Then, What”.

Maybe this is a good thing. But in my old age – LMAO – there are still things I want to do that I shouldn’t be so worried about. Like, idk – living, loving, and being happy!?

I mean, I’m an Aquarian after all, free-spirit, gypsy wanderer.. Maybe that’s why I love the water so much.. because I’m an Air sign? Lol – but I AM the Water Bearer. I bear the water people. Water: giver-of-life, ever-changing and can either calm or destroy you. Muahahaha (lol)

A wonderful person I know once told me:

“..but the one thing I appreciated about you.. Your willingness to throw logic to the wind and go with your gut. I could never do it. But the world needs Kara’s.”

The world needs me! Well that me anyway ^^

Throw logic to the wind.. I do make decisions with my heart more than my brain that’s for sure.. Or, I feel like, I did. I mean do we remember 10/11/2012?!

Recently, however, I have found myself in more brain-space. Which again, isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but I honestly feel like I’m missing out on something greater that I could be sort-of chasing, if you will. Or maybe I’m just missing a piece of myself?

One thing is certain: I normally have a pretty good balance of emotion-to-brain ratio when it comes to life. I’ve had therapists, doctors, and other professionals tell me that I am very self-aware. This apparently is surprising to others. I understand why I do things, and because of this, I also have a very good understanding of others. I have great intuition on needs vs wants, and even when “mistakes” are made, I look at myself before I look at others.

I know my boundaries. Which is interesting because the one thing that seems to mystify even the bestest of friends, is when I know I’m doing something which may potentially hurt me, yet I always feel the need to push further for myself, until I am ready to let go (if there is any letting-go involved). And I don’t quite understand why that may be a bad thing.. I know my limits, and I learn from my mistakes more than making them again. But that’s it there – mistakes. I also know and remember the feeling of those mistakes. And it’s in never wanting to experience some of those again that I think has kept me here in this “safe” brain space.

Why am I even blogging about this? I have no clue – maybe I just needed to get something out. Express an emotion I can’t quite explain, but can you really explain an emotion? You just feel it.

And I have this feeling I have been thinking too much. Lol.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ll still be stimulating my mind with wonderful things, still using a planner, and also making sure I don’t jump into the deep-end without my floaties. But I want to start making some decisions again from my heart, my gut, my inner being. I’m tired of being afraid of what tomorrow may do to me. I miss that little gypsy heart of mine.. and I want to wander a bit.

After my recent travels, I keep finding myself in conversations about more exploration and more adventures – new experiences, near and far. For the first time in a long time, I have a free and open heart to add to my free and open spirit. Those combined can only lead to amazing things – or trouble, lol 😉

Those of you out there who live these in-the-moment lives, I take advice and recommendations to heart. I want to travel alone, learn to love without expectation, and find something new about life everyday. Share your wisdom! And maybe I’ll have better stories/posts to share. lol

“You’ll never be able to escape from your heart. So it is better to listen to what it has to say.” – Paul Coelho

❤

selfie sunday

~ NewBeginnings ~ Leave a comment

I sat at the beach this morning.. like I do many weekend mornings after, what I like to call Brunch but, what most would call Breakfast. The minute I sat down, the view took my breath away – honestly this happens a lot. And all I wanted to do was take a photo or some awesome contemplation-by-the-water-selfie to share. Because it’s moments like these where my coined hashtag #myeverydayisyourvacation is perfect.

But then I thought, “lol – am I just being an asshole every time I post that?” I try not to think I am, but I can definitely see how some people might be all “Oh look at her again.. this ocean in her back yard, brunch on the weekends, blah blah, life is perfect.”

And then, if you know anything about me, my next direct thought was: “oh who gives a sh*!” Lol

But for reals, none of my photos came out nearly as wonderful as what my eyes could see anyway. It was SO CLEAR to the North – I could literally see every beach-city landmark from Redondo to Malibu. And all my senses were taking in the, blue-r than normal, water and the warm sun hugging me in the cool breeze.

Thats where a new thought came to mind that one of my fave IG pages posted:

IMG_5115

I’ve had this conversation with many a people – but this here, entirely describes what we have become, and hopefully where we are going. Back to living our lives without justification. And don’t get me wrong, to share some amazing experiences is one thing, but to blast social media with “proof” of what you are doing on the daily is another.

It was a sign when all my tried photos failed. I didn’t need to share this with anyone, it was ME time. And for the next 32 minutes (I know that’s pretty exact, but when you live where meters run your plans, you understand lol) I lost track of time because I put my phone away, and the only reason I even looked at it was to check time.. because.. meters people!

Point is, I am blessed. I have the Pacific Ocean in my back yard at my disposal people, my backyard! Ok well, 1.5mi from my doorstep, but you get the idea. I run here, I meditate here, there are cafes and brunch spots. Sea breezes and sunsets. I literally live where people vacation, and I’m sad to admit, I get annoyed at the tourists. Stop littering in my backyard!

Anyway, my “normal” life may seem to be a sort of extreme to some, with this image of a SoCal lifestyle, but for me this is more than I ever imagined. Just 5 years ago, my plane landed (an hour late!) in the middle of the night, in the rain. I left the only life my adult-self knew. Right out of a 5yr relationship, and being 31yr old. People thought I was crazy. I thought I was crazy! I only had 3k to my name. No job, no home. If you have followed me all these years, you know the story.

So to find myself sitting, with the views that I have, and the access that I have to something SO amazingly beautiful, maybe it’s these moments we don’t need to bombard social media with. Because not everyone knows or understands where I have come from.

Because what’s another favorite to share?:

tell no one

People ruin beautiful things. I did my best to live this mantra ^^ this year.

I’m still going to try and live this way, year after year. In life, we only have so many people who we actually care to know our lives. Knowing this, why must we share everything to the masses? If you live properly, share amazing experiences, and create an impact, your story gets told by those closest to you. It is shared, and it’s for the world to find out naturally – not forced.

So live my friends! Live for yourselves. And don’t let people ruin your beautiful things.

 

❤